When Evangeline Williamson arrived in Llanview, she was a fierce attorney who didn't let anyone get in the way of what she wanted. Imagine what would happen if she became that woman again.

I woke up today beside Cristian and I knew my life needed to change. I crawled out of bed and could barely look at myself in the mirror. I quickly dressed and returned to the sanctity of my own apartment. I'd left him less than ten minutes ago and he'd already called my house and cell phone more than ten times. I sent Layla a quick text before I switched off my cell phone and disconnected the phone inside my apartment.

A bath was what I needed right now. I sat on the edge of the tub and watched as the water filled the large tub and my thoughts immediately drifted to you. We spent many nights here together just holding each other. I knew it was one of the things you loved the most. It was one of the few times I would let you get away with not saying a word. Now, I had new memories here.

I tuned off the water and dropped in some of my favorite bath beads. They fell to the bottom of the tub and dissolved, filling the water with their heavenly aroma. I peeled off my clothes and eased myself down into the water. The water rose close to the brim as I finally settled in and I let out a sigh.

A wave of sorrow washed over me. This used to be one of our places, and as I sat there I only thought of you in retrospect. Now, his arms were the ones that I felt around me. Now, it was his scent that seemed to linger in almost ever room of my home. Tears streamed down my face and left ripples in the water as they fell. Why did you let this happen to us?

I squeezed my eyes shut and sunk down deeper into the tub. I tried to push those thoughts of you away, but it didn't work. I finally let go and cried like I never allowed myself to. "Damn it John McBain," was all I could muster through my sobs. I soaked until the water turned cold, and then I climbed out of the tub.

From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and frowned at the woman looking back at me. In that moment I knew exactly what I needed to do. I'd become a shell of a woman since I came to this town and lost myself in you. I'm Evangeline Williamson, and no one made a fool out of me and got away with it.

I stood outside John's apartment with my heart in my hands. The drive over here was the longest one in my entire life. This all seemed simple, in theory. So, why was I hesitating now?

I turned to walk away, but something inside me stopped me in my tracks. I remembered the woman I saw in the bathroom mirror. I wasn't going to continue down that path. I wanted to get my life back. I wanted to be the woman who could defend Mitch Laurence to a town full of people that he'd hurt and not be sickened by it. I wanted to be someone who no one wanted to go against. I'd lost some of my reputation as I softened, but it wouldn't take long to get things back to the way they used to be.

Before I lost my nerve again, I knocked firmly on his door and held my breath for what was to come. The door creaked open slowly and a familiar figure stood on the opposite side.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" John fixed his soft blue eyes on me and smiled his trademark smile. I smiled back and he pushed the door open ushering me inside. I walked into the place that was almost like a second home and noted how things haven't changed in the slightest. I heard him close the door and I turned to face him.

He leaned back against the door and I could feel his eyes traveling my body. I shifted under his careful inspection and he recovered quickly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare. Since the accident, I've just found myself trying to burn certain images into my brain. Friends. Family. That type of stuff." He walked to the sofa and motioned for me to sit. "Do you want a drink?" He said as he ran his hand through his new shorter locks. I could tell that he was nervous about something. Surely it was related to Spencer's new trial, but that wasn't what I was here for.

"No, thank you." I sat and stared up at him. His skin grafts were finished a few weeks ago. If you didn't know him, you never would be able to guess that he was nearly permanently disfigured.

His sat uncomfortably on the opposite side of the sofa and avoided my eyes. "I'm not used to getting too many visitors this time of day. Shouldn't you be at work?" He opened the door to Spencer Truman, but I was already prepared for that.

"When it feels like you've just hit a brick wall, it's best to stand up and brush yourself off. You know, take some time to relax." I flipped my hair over my shoulder and bent over placing my elbow on my knee, resting my chin in my hand.

"Yeah." He swallowed hard and tilted his head to the side. I could see that he was dying to get back to work, but Bo refused until he had full medical clearance that wouldn't be coming until the end of the week. It wasn't so bad though. Spencer was again apprehended, and was declared to be competent to stand trial. Now he was just waiting for the inevitable; Spencer's conviction and subsequent death sentence. "You're doing a great job. I can't think of anyone else that I'd rather see prosecuting Spencer."

"Thank you, again, but that's not what I'm here to talk about." I said in a somewhat ominous voice. He immediately looked confused.

"Oh, sorry. I just figured." He said as he trailed off. Something was different about him, but I couldn't place it.

I gave him a reassuring smile, "I brought you a card actually." I placed my purse on the table and removed the soft white envelope. I slid it across the table and he placed his hand on it just before it slipped onto the floor.

"Oh no, I hope this isn't one of those cheesy get well cards." He chuckled as he opened the envelope and pulled out the card. I sat silently and watched him knowing that there was no turning back now.

The card was a dark blue with two animated bears on the front. They stood apart at the summit of a hill and were watching the sun set. He flipped open the card and wondered what witty phrase was written inside. He frowned as he was greeted by three simple words written in the center of the card.

"I don't understand. What does this mean?" He reread the inside of the card and then turned it so that I could see it, as if I'd given it to him by mistake.

"It doesn't get much simpler than that." I said as I look over at him. The look on my face had changed from welcoming and caring to serious.

"Change is inevitable?" He said as he read it out loud carefully. "Mike always tells me I'm so slow. You're going to have to fill me in on this one." He gave me a smile and hoped that this wasn't as bad as it seemed.

"I remember when you got a special citation and we had drinks at the palace. You asked me if I'd ever done anything impulsive." I stood and walked behind the sofa. Things had changed. He had a few portraits of Natalie around, but that wouldn't deter me. He watched me as I started to pace.

"I know now that I was totally wrong about you. You had this innocent essence about you, but it was actually a little more devious. I was pleasantly surprised." He hinted to our basement rendezvous. His cheeks reddened as he blushed.

"A lot has changed since then." I kept my eyes fixed on him as he stood and walked toward me. I picked up a picture of Natalie in a silver frame and he looked away nervously.

"Inevitably." He said softly. "I still don't know what this is all about."

"When we were first together, we both held back our emotions and enjoyed the physical pleasure that we could give each other. As more time passed, my feelings toward you changed. I wanted more and hoped that you could give me what I desired. I loved you, damn it John." I could feel my voice elevating and he still couldn't face me. I placed the picture down on its face as if that would help. "I really loved you. You could never say it, but you promised that you were committed to me and only me. We broke up and you ended up…changing. It was worse than a slap in the face." I fixed my eyes on him, but he only turned and walked toward his bed.

"Evangeline, I'm sorry." He sat on the left side of the bed and dropped his head into his hands, but I'm not going to let him off that easily. I followed him and stood over him.

"That's not good enough. I want an explanation!" I was almost shouting now. I shook my head and regained my composure. This wasn't how I wanted things to go. We were two adults who needed to have a calm and rational discussion.

"What do you want from me? I thought that was in the past." He looked up at me with tears in his eyes but that didn't change my resolve. "I never wanted to hurt you! I never had feelings for Natalie when we were together, and I know you don't believe me but it's the truth. The timing was all wrong, of course, and I'm truly sorry for that."

"That's not good enough John. I want you to tell me how. How you could lie to me! How could you let me fall in love with you!" I folded my arms across my chest and stared down at him.

"Why are you doing this? What's going on? Did something happen between you and Cris?" His face changed from angry to understanding as he stood in front of me.

"Answer my question!" I didn't back down and we were standing inches from each other's face.

"Rehashing that won't help anything. We need to move past the pain." He scooped the hair out of my face and I could tell he is surprised when I didn't pull away from him.

"We can't move on until we deal with this." I swallowed hard and prepared to drop an atomic bomb on him. "We can't be together until we face our past." He gave me a blank stare as he dropped his hand from my face.

"Be together?" He put his hand to his mouth and shook his head. "Evangeline, what is going on? You're with Cris. I'm with Natalie."

"Cris?" I laughed as I stepped out of his personal space. "He's immature, not unlike your little Natalie!" I said nastily. "I'd never given myself to anyone so completely. You broke my heart and started dating the bitch who wedged herself between us. Cris was there and hurting too. In an effort to get over you, I convinced myself that I cared about him and even fooled myself into thinking that I loved him. I was going through life with blinders on, but they're off now John. Cris is childlike. He was a great artist, but the minute he lost his 'muse' he was nothing. He turned to a self-destructive career that nearly cost him his life. He never thinks. He just overreacts, especially when things don't go his way. Sure, he was could say the sweetest things, but a relationship is more than that. I know you're confused because that's all I ever wanted from you. Anyway, I just decided that I don't deserve to be punished like that. I lost the one thing that I really wanted, but my daddy didn't raise a loser!"

John stood there with his mouth open reeling from the words that spewed from my mouth. He could see a familiar light burning in my eyes, and he had to admit that he missed it. I had to dim the lights to be with him, and he was heartbroken when the light was completely extinguished at the end of our relationship. He was happy that I was getting back to my old self, but he didn't want me to have that at the cost of my sanity.

"I'm not crazy John, so stop looking at me like that." I said as I walked back to him and pulled his hand away from his mouth. "I need you to speak now."

"I'm sorry that you feel that way about Cris, but there's still Natalie. We're together." I laughed at that and pushed him down onto the bed. I wanted him to realize that I was in control now.

"You lost Caitlyn because some psycho took her from you, and I know exactly how that feels. I lost you because of someone else. I could see you growing and our relationship was getting stronger, and then she gets jealous and decides she wants you back. I fell for you hard and was scared that at any moment I would wake up and it would be over. I pushed you for a commitment because I wanted to make sure that we were both in this. You promised me that there was nothing, but that was a lie. You were in denial while Natalie kept me in emotional limbo. You were quick to see her pain, but not mine."

"I know that I hurt you with Natalie. I hated myself for it, but to be honest, it was only because I was hurting so bad. You were the one I wanted. I dreamed about you. I cried about you. It was hard losing Caitlyn because I couldn't protect her, but it was hell losing you. I could have protected you, but I didn't. I turned a blind eye to what Natalie did to you. I failed you."

"So why her John? Why Natalie?"

"I wanted to punish us both. I wanted to punish you for rejecting me and not taking the limited affection that I did give you and me for being weak and not being able to give you what you needed. I used Natalie, so after the accident I couldn't just leave her. I could only hope that in time she'd get over me. I thought you were happy with Cris, so I was just going to go back to the way I was before, never letting anyone get close." He spoke honestly for the first time in a long time, shocking even himself.

"That's all I wanted to hear. We both needed to be honest with each other before we could start to heal. It's okay now." I smiled softly at him. I was finally getting everything that I deserved.

"No, I can't. I can't do that." He shook his head and tried to stand from the bed, but I forced him back down before he could stand.

"Can you tell me right now that you don't want this? Can you tell me that you don't want to feel what it's like to be the recipient of my love? I want you John, and I'm not going to take no for an answer!" I give him a determined stare but he doesn't say anything in return. "I'm right!" He shook his head. I was right, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. This was a dream come true, but as usual the timing was horribly off.

"You keep thinking about her, but did she once ever think about either of us? It was obvious that she hurt me, but you said that you were hurting too. Why is she the only one that deserves happiness?" I uncrossed my arms and started to unbutton my dark blue trench. "Touch me John. You know you want too."

"Evangeline, we can't." He stood in front of me and I held my ground.

I dropped my coat to the floor and his eye bulged out of his head. I stood before him stark naked, and I knew he wouldn't be able to resist me. He started panting softly and he clenched his fists to stop himself from touching me.

"I love you John, and I won't be denied." I placed my hands flat on his chest and kissed the side of his face. His face had healed nicely, so I couldn't even tell the difference. I felt him tense up like he wanted to pull away but he didn't. I was comforted by the smell of his cologne.

"I'm so sorry." He said as he put his hands on my shoulders as if he wanted to push me away. I waited for him to act, but he just sat there. It was all the confirmation I needed. If he really 'loved' her, I would have been out the door by now.

"Shh, I've already forgiven you." I kissed down the side of his face and he tilted his head back giving me access to his neck. His hands fell timidly to my waist and I knew he's missed this.

Sure, he hasn't been able to have sex with Natalie due to the accident, but I knew that she could never give him what I gave him. We shared more than just an intense physical connection, but I knew it was something he really appreciated during our relationship.

He leaned his head forward and his newly grown stubble rubbed across my cheek. I felt a shiver go down my side as he kissed me softly on the cheek. "I want you." He said in a soft low tone. "I've really missed you." He held me close to him and kissed the top of my head. "I've really missed us." I looked up into his soft blue eyes and he blinked away a tear.

"I've missed us too, John." I was practically going insane waiting for him to take me.

"We can't." I stopped and looked at him confused. "I mean, we can and we will; just not here. I tainted this place when I took another woman into my bed." He moved a few loose strands of my hair behind my ear. His eyes traversed the length of my body and I felt completely vulnerable.

"John, I want you now." I said breathlessly. My body was still burning from his touch. The feeling my body pressed into his brought back a tidal wave of memories that I thought had long since been lost.

He gave me a familiar smile as he pushed me backwards into the wall. Before I could speak, his lips covered mine. This kiss was more intense than the last and I was almost dying from anticipation. I'd have him again. He was going to be mine.

"Don't you want this John? Don't you want me?" I said showing signs of insecurity and weakness. If I could I would kick myself, but I really didn't care. I wanted John, and I'd do whatever it took.

"Yes, but I don't want to do it like this. Not here." He let go of my wrists and picked up the coat that I used to conceal my indecency. He handed it to me and ran his hand over his chin.

"John I don't care. I just need to be with you." The tears stung my eyes and I bit my lip to stop them from quivering. How could he be rejecting me? I knew I was not wrong. He didn't love Natalie. I knew I was his soul mate. I knew I was the one.

He kissed the tip of my nose and smiled at me. "Please don't cry. I just want us to have a new beginning. Meet me at The Palace in an hour. The concierge will be able to tell you where to find me."

"John, you're not supposed to leave your apartment." I said genuinely concerned about his well being. "I don't want to do anything that's going to jeopardize your health."

"Well technically, I'm not supposed to be engaging in any sexual activity either, so if you're already going to break one rule you might as well break some others." He said with a grin. I smiled and realized that this is the happiest I'd seen him in a long time. Usually, his eternal shadow was lingering around and he seemed sedated, but not now. I hated to be egocentric, but I felt like I was the sun in his sky.

"Maybe I was wrong to come here then." I slid on my coat and tied it together tightly. I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

"I let you walk away once, and I'll be damned if I do it again. I'm fine Evangeline. The doctors cleared me last week, but someone thought it would be good for me to have another week's worth of rest." He rolled his eyes and I knew he was talking about her. Bitch! I bit my tongue for thinking it but shook it off remembering how she treated me when John and I were together.

"So, you want this?" I said pointing between us. "You want us."

"Yes, and I want to make it special. So, go home, freshen up, and meet me at The Palace." I nodded and he walked me to the door. I turned to look at him before I left and he was smiling like he did on his birthday. I realized how lucky we both were, and I knew that I've made the right decision.

I don't know why, but I was extremely nervous. I arrived at The Palace twenty minutes ago, and I didn't have the nerve to go up and meet John. Something in the pit of my stomach told me that this was wrong, and that he really didn't want to be with me. I downed a few drinks of liquid courage and found myself on the elevator. I stood in front of the room and again I had to build up the nerve to face him.

"Idiot." I said to myself. I took a deep breath and inserted my keycard into the door. I pushed the door open slowly and I was greeted with the soft aroma of amber and lavender. White rose petals are scattered around the room and I sighed in relief. John walked in from the bathroom with his head down and didn't even notice me. Something was different.

"John, what's wrong?" I rushed over to him and hoped that it wasn't something that was going to warrant a trip to the hospital. He looked up at me with his soft blue eyes.

"Evangeline, where have you been? I was worried sick. When you didn't get here I started to freak out. Why didn't you at least have your cell phone on?" He pulled me to his chest and I could feel his heart racing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He relaxed his hold and I stared back up at him. "I was scared too."

"What? Why were you scared? Did something happen?" He kissed my forehead and ran his hand along the side of my face.

"Scared of what you were really thinking. I'm not usually this forward, and I didn't know if you were maybe having second thoughts." I tried to look away but he put his hand under my chin and made me stare back at him.

"I know it will be a while before you completely trust me again, but know that I'm in this all the way. I would be a fool to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me." He kissed my forehead and I was comforted by his words.

"John, I can't believe you got all this together in such a short amount of time." I looked around the room and tried to avoid the more complicated things that we could be talking about. In time, these things would be unavoidable, but for now I just wanted to feel him.

"Before, when we were together, you were the one who would provide all the romantic surprises. This time around I want to show you that I appreciate you as much as you do me. Does that make sense?" He sat down on the bed and stared up at me.

"Yeah." I smiled seductively before sitting down beside him. I felt giddy and nervous, almost like it was my first time. I watched as he stared at my body and I couldn't help but to stare back at him.

"So, what's under that coat this time?" He fingered the knot to my coat and bit down on his bottom lip.

"Why don't you open it up and see?" I laughed as he rolls on top of me and started to work the coat off of me. He finally loosened the knot and helped me slip the coat off of my shoulders before tossing it onto the floor.

"Breath taking." He stared down at me like a hungry dog looking at a bone and I figured he likes my attire. I was wearing a peach colored camisole that had a low v-cut neck to show off a little cleavage. John was a breast man, so I knew he appreciated what I was offering him. I smiled back at him and I knew there was no turning back now. Soon he'd be with me, and all thoughts of that messy red head would be tossed aside.

"I love you so much." His hands rested on my waist as I pushed him down onto the mattress. "I know you've missed me, because I missed you too." I raked my nails down his chest and started to pull down his briefs. "Are you ready?"

He smiled and that was it for both of us. We made love to each other slowly. There was no need to hurry because I wasn't letting him go anywhere. Our lovemaking was just as magical as it always had been.

"That felt so good Evangeline. I've missed you so much." He lay on the bed beside me. I turned so I was facing him, and his dark brown hair stuck to his forehead.

"I broke up with you because I said that you always wanted to use sex as a cure-all in our relationship. Now I'm guilty of the same thing." I sighed as I try to catch my breath. He shook his head and ran his hand up and down my arm.

"You came here and you were completely honest with me. The one thing that's been a constant in our relationship has been your ability to be completely open and honest. I know as well as you do that we've got a lot to work on between us, but I don't think us getting together is a bad thing. The physical part of a relationship can be just as important as the emotional part." He scooted closer to me and the tips of our noses touched.

"John, I love you so much." I touched the side of his face that had previously been scarred and say a silent prayer that he would always be able to come home to me safely. He pulled away from me and I could see the expression on his face change instantly. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. "John." I sat up on my elbows and look down at him, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "Did you hear me? I love you." I said softly. I knew I couldn't expect miracles, but I was sure that he loved me. It just had to be true.

"I heard you, but I don't feel the same way." He said sadly and refused to look over at me. I felt as though my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and I sat up completely and looked at him incredulously.

I had just made a total ass of myself. I came to this man with my heart in my hands and confessed my undying love to him, and like a man he took advantage of me. I knew I was offering myself to him, but he knew what I wanted from him and he never intended to return those feelings. I was lying in bed with this man and I couldn't tell if I ever knew him at all.

"I don't love you, Evangeline. I can't ever love you." His words echoed in my head and I felt bitter tears stinging my eyes before sliding down my cheeks. I was wrong and now I knew it. He played me from day one and I bought into all of his deceitful ways and lies.

I pulled the sheet up to my chest and turned to climb out of the bed. I was shell-shocked, but I knew I couldn't stay here. Not with him. Not after this. I felt his arm on my wrist and I couldn't even look back at him.

"I'm sorry. I think you misunderstood me." He said softly and I felt him sit up in bed behind me.

"You don't have to do this John." My voice was shaking and I brought my hand to my face to wipe away my tears. "I get it now. I was just sex to you; nothing more than a hookup." I laughed at the unusual situation. It's all I could do to stop myself from breaking down.

"You have it wrong." He sat with his legs around me and pulled me back to his chest. "I said those words to her. The words that meant so much to you. The words that I wasn't man enough to say to you. I said them to her to placate her and to fool myself into thinking that I could live without you. I cared for her and I tried to believe that over time I could be everything that a man should be to the woman he is involved with."

"If you hadn't come to me tonight, I would still be living a lie. I wanted to believe that finding my father's killer and nearly being killed would have a dramatic change over me, but I was wrong. I grew when I was with you. I could feel it. You never let me get away with just sitting there silently and letting my problems fester inside of me. You pushed me like no one else could and I let you get away. I pushed you away, because I was afraid that if I could ever heal completely that I wouldn't be enough for you."

"I liked having stuff bottled up inside of me and holding back with my emotions. Then people always thought that I had more inside of me, and that with enough love they could bring it out of me. I resolved myself to never changing and being able to selfishly take the love that others offered me. That's why she was able to find a place in my bed." He kissed the back of my head and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Everyday since our breakup I've hated how weak I've been. You were gone and changing seemed useless. Now you're here and you're willing to love this damaged man who doesn't deserve you, and his own selfish needs won't allow him to protect the one person that he cares about the most."

"Are you saying that you regret being with me tonight?" I said hurt and he kissed my cheek as his stubble brushed against my cheek.

"Every moment I've spent with you has been absolutely perfect. I only wish that I could be perfect for you."

"John, I love you. I love you now and I loved you then. I wanted you to change and that wasn't fair. You are who you are. Either I love you or I don't."

"Don't you ever say that again!" He spun me around and I was sitting forward but my heard was turned to face him. "I agree with that to a degree, but I fell for you too. I fell for a woman who wanted me to change because she cared so much about me. That's what I wanted, Evangeline. I wanted you to change me because I can't do it on my own."

"So, what happens now, John? You say you don't love me. That you can't love me. What the hell am I supposed to say?" I said bitterly and he smiled slightly.

"I know those words are important to you, but I made them cheap and meaningless when I said them to her. She was just someone to fill my bed. She was someone who wanted me to stay exactly as I was so that I would stick with her always. If that's what love is, I don't want any part of it. I want more for us. I want to heal and be the best John McBain that I can. The John McBain that you deserve." I shook my head and for the first time in a long time I was confused.

"Evangeline you complete me. You are my heart and the time away from you has only made me grow even bitterer and closed off. Do I really have to say those words to convince you of that?" He blinked and looked at me seriously. I guess it was up to me now. He was right, though. How special could those words be when he said them to her with no emotion behind them?

"I don't want either of us to completely banish that word from our vocabulary. We both perverted that word with fake romances. As we heal and grow, I want us to redefine that word. Over time, I want you to be able to look at me and tell me that you love me."

"Do you really think we can overcome our pasts?" I can't blame him for being doubtful, but that was something we'd address over time.

"I think we belong together and we can do anything it takes for us to be together." I kissed him sweetly on the lips and felt him stiffen behind me. "You ready for round two?" He pushed me down onto the bed. He made love to me all night and I was happy that he was willing to make changes. I was willing to change too because true love means making compromises.