Acting Like Armageddon

by Queen Tzahra

"Acting is energy. In the theater, people pay to see energy." It's Fuuma's fourth summer directing at Babylon Theatre Company, a prestigious collective in Upstate New York, away from the dirt and distraction and anxiety of the city. However, you dirt on people you work with, new relationships distract and uncovering feelings is anxiety provoking.

10. Chapter 10

Hiya! Happy Thursday!

I hope you've all had a good two weeks. I've been having kind of a chaotic time, which is why it took me so long to get this chapter edited and posted, but I'm grabbing socially distant drinks with some dear friends shortly, so I'll be able to unwind and chill out.

This chapter though, oh man... it both kills me and gives me life. It's beautiful and ugly. It's- yeah you get the idea. I'm weirdly proud of the ugliness though, because it's not an ugliness I typically write about, but I think it's a good sign that i cringe whenever I read through the scene. If I remember correctly that was where I picked up the story again for NaNoWriMo 2018, when I finally finished the first draft, and I remember going into work just angry and hurt and ugh. It was a bad time.

Speaking of NaNoWriMo...

I won't be updating this again until December. I participate in NaNoWriMo every year. For those of you who don't know, it's a challenge where you write 50,000 words in 30 days, and it's absolutely exhausting, or at least I find it to be. So yeah, there's no way I'd be able to edit the chapters and post them to my schedule (or personal satisfaction) while working on another project. There just aren't enough hours in the day, unfortunately. I'm a little disappointed not to have had this wrapped up and put to bed before November, but, as Mike Tyson said, "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face," which has been my unfortunate reality with every writing project since Nihta.

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful November, a fantastic Thanksgiving if you're celebrating and the best of luck if you're doing NaNoWriMo too!

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money off of this.

---

"I didn't say I liked it. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference."

- Oscar Wilde

The rain stopped at 3:57 AM. Fuuma knew the exact time because the sudden lack of driving rain had woken him immediately. He rolled over, curling tighter into the blankets and burying his face in the pillows. The linens were all fresh and clean rather than stiff and musty after Fuuma had washed them that afternoon. They also smelled deeply familiar; the detergent he always used was one of the few things he'd taken from his childhood. Cocooned in the warmth and the smell, he tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep a while longer, then gave up and went downstairs to the kitchen.

Without turning on any of the lights, he crossed the cool tile floor and slid open the door to the porch. It was that all consuming, impenetrable darkness that preceded dawn, and Fuuma could barely make out the shapes of the furniture and grill through the blackness. Owls hooted and insects buzzed, but all else was silent. Fuuma stood still, strangely on edge, goosebumps rising up his arms and random disjointed thoughts flashing in his mind. Seishiro, his parents, Clow, New York, Three Sisters, Macbeth. Eventually, Fuuma managed to gather his wits about him, turned on the overhead light and set to work changing the screens he'd been neglecting. He finished just as the sky lightened to a cold blue grey, then went back to bed as the sun began spreading rosey feelers over the valley.

He caught a few more hours of sleep, then dressed, picked up coffee in town and went to rehearsal. He wasn't sure what he'd find, and something was telling him to stay on high alert. However, as he entered the Igarashi, he found Nataku perched on a barstool waiting for him as usual. 'Encouraging,' he thought, though he was unable to keep the hesitation out of his voice as he said, "Morning." Nataku hopped off the stool, snatched his usual stack of papers off the bar and clutched them to his chest.

"Hi. How was your day off?"

"Let's not discuss it," said Fuuma. Nataku's deadpan expression shifted for a fraction of a second in either confusion or concern. However, he made no comment, and a warm spring of affection bubbled up in Fuuma's chest. "You're the best, you know that?" Nataku raised his eyebrows, but Fuuma just laughed. "What's up? How's things here?" Nataku rolled his eyes.

"I'm trying to get press night organized but the administration remains obtuse as ever." Fuuma burst into contemptuous laughter and fuck if it didn't feel good. "Other than that, I'll leave it to you," Nataku continued, nodding at the entrance to the theater with a look of vague disgust.

"I got this, let's go."

"Here's hoping." Again, Fuuma burst into laughter while Nataku made a contemptuous noise, and they walked side by side into the theater. The cast was clustered on stage waiting for him, looking tired and in varying states of distraction as they chatted amongst themselves.

"Hello," said Fuuma, and suddenly all eyes were upon him. He knew a moment of deep connection to every single person there, to all these people helping him achieve his vision. 'Helping,' he thought, mentally reaffirming his commitment to get stuck in and give them more of himself. "Nice to see you," he continued, and he meant it. "I hope you're all over your after tech hangovers." Everyone laughed, though he saw a few shudders and he smiled widely. "Good. Get into costume. I want a stumble through, tech and all."

"Good morning to you too," said Kusanagi, and again everyone laughed. Fuuma caught his eye and they exchanged a warm smile before he turned and followed Yuuto to the dressing room. Satsuki hopped off the stage and passed him on her way to the lighting booth, looking surlier than usual.

"You okay?" Fuuma asked her.

"Aside from my upper back still killing me? I'm fabulous," she replied, smiling sarcastically before stalking off. Fuuma shook his head and took his usual front row center seat.

"Oh shit will you go remind everyone I don't want them in the audience anymore?" he asked Nataku, who nodded and hurried backstage.

---

"Did you ladies have good days off?" Kanoe asked once she, Karen, Yuzuriha and Arashi had shut the door to their dressing room.

"I think the universe is trying to tell me I'm too old for parties like that," Karen laughed, though she'd enjoyed herself immensely.

"Lies!" exclaimed Yuzuriha, kicking off her shorts and sending them flying across the room. "Whoops!" She rushed to retrieve them while the other three laughed.

"Too much sugar in your coffee this morning?" Arashi asked. Karen and Kanoe looked momentarily stunned before bursting into more laughter. Arashi blushed, but was pleased at the reaction. Yuzuriha grinned, snatched up her shorts and strode back across the room with her head held high.

"Not as much as you," she muttered playfully in Arashi's ear as she passed. Arashi blushed deeper and let out an indignant cry, but again was pleased at the reaction and with herself.

She and Sorata hadn't gotten beyond kissing after the party, they'd been way too drunk, but they'd spent all of the following day together. They'd gotten breakfast in town and toured the famous author's house, the thunderstorm surrounding them making them feel like the only two people in the world. In between commenting on the quiet, beautiful interior, the house's history and the author's work, they'd discussed other things, learned about each other before and outside of BTC. Arashi couldn't believe how easy it all was, how much they had in common and understood. They got dinner in town too, then returned to their dorm and hung out with their castmates for the remainder of the evening. They'd exchanged one last kiss away from prying eyes at the top of the stairs before returning to their separate bedrooms. Arashi was still waiting for the anxiety to set in again, for doubt to creep into her mind and heart, but in the meantime she relished the warm, uplifted feelings. She was also aching to get back into bed with him.

"How was your party?" Karen asked Kanoe, who smiled a self-satisfied smile.

"It was a good time," she said, lightly, zipping up her dress and stepping into her heels. "You should have come!" Karen laughed and zipped up her own dress.

"I appreciate that, but I'd rather not seventh wheel."

"You could have brought someone! I told you that too." Karen laughed.

"Like who?" she asked, incredulously.

"Kusanagi?" Kanoe offered, and the other three raised their eyebrows at the readiness with which she'd come up with this suggestion. She smiled and started to put up her hair. "He's been single for way too long. I worry about him." Yuzuriha's heart stopped and her mind flashed back to what Hokuto had said. How had she known? And if she knew, did Kanoe know? Did she not think she and Kusanagi would work? She found this thought surprisingly insulting despite not caring about Kanoe's opinion in the slightest.

"He seems fine to me," Karen said, perplexedly.

"Alone with his tomatoes? I don't know…" Yuzuriha shuddered as though the words had stung her. She checked her reflection in the mirror one last time and left the room in a swish of pink and green, slamming the door behind her. Arashi, Karen and Kanoe all jumped, then looked at each other in the sudden, echoing silence. "What was that about?" Kanoe asked, concernedly.

"I don't know," Karen replied, gazing at the closed door with a furrowed brow. Arashi said nothing, but resolved to go talk to Yuzuriha in private, as she'd done for her.

---

Yuuto was having a hard time getting into costume. He kept fumbling over his tie and buttoning his shirt the wrong way. He wasn't surprised; he'd been feeling out of sorts and off balance for the last twenty four hours, ever since waking up on Monday morning with Satsuki and Kanoe on either side of him. It had been a fun night and he'd hoped to continue that morning, but Satsuki had left almost the moment she'd woken up. Yuuto's heart had hurt him and his stomach had squirmed guiltily. She'd been unhappy with him all night, and though he was sure it went beyond leaving her hanging outside for a half hour, that was the most salient thing, so he hung onto it as he rebuttoned his shirt for the twelfth time.

"What did you do Sunday night, Kusanagi?" asked Keiichi, emerging from the neck of his undershirt and shaking his hair out of his eyes. Kusanagi furrowed his brow. The rest of his weekend had been rather overshadowed by his afternoon with Fuuma.

"What did I do… Oh! I made tomato soup and watched Planet Earth for the thousandth time."

"That sounds amazing," said Subaru, pulling off his t-shirt.

"It was, I must say."

"Can I try some soup?" Kamui interjected eagerly.

"I'll bring you some, just remind me," replied Kusanagi, smiling fondly at him.

"Cool, thank you!" he said, before adding, grumpily, "I wanted to steal some of the sauce you gave to Yuzuriha but she'd have killed me." Kusanagi laughed, though he felt rather touched.

"I've got plenty, it's no problem," he replied. "How was your party?"

"Fucking great, can't you tell by the bitemarks?" Sorata asked, playfully, nodded at the bruise on Subaru's chest. Everyone snorted and looked quickly at Subaru to see how he'd take this. However, he just rubbed the bruise affectionately and replied with a coy smile that made everyone laugh harder.

"I'd ask if you were jealous, but…"

"Ooh!" chorused Keiichi and Kamui. Sorata blushed, and though he was clearly pleased with himself,

"Shut up," he told them, just in case.

"I'll give you hickey next time," Kamui assured him.

"Too late, I'm mad now," Sorata snapped, turning away.

"Why are you mad?!" demanded Kamui in mock outrage.

"You're fucking rude, that's why."

"Can I make it up to you?"

"I doubt it…"

"Hmm," said Kamui in theatric thoughtfulness. "How about this? I won't spit on you next time we hook up." The entire room exploded into laughter, which masked Yuuto's embarrassed splutter.

"I won't," Sorata gasped, doubled over, "I won't spit on you next time we hook up, holy shit, Kamui!"

"Told you. I'm generous like that," Kamui replied, shrugging, though he was grinning broadly at the reaction.

"I mean, unless you're into that sort of thing," Keiichi added to Sorata, confidentially, and yet again the room exploded with laughter that masked another embarrassed cry from Yuuto. He turned away from the group to finish getting dressed, remembering intensely and viscerally Satsuki doing exactly that and just how into it he'd been. However, he could also still remember the look on her face, the cold fury and disgust… He shook his head and took a few deep breaths, doing his utmost to stay focused, or at least put the memories to the back of his mind for the moment. He knew he'd have to talk to her. He'd make time. It'd be productive. With that reassuring thought, he was able to finish getting dressed, noticing as he did so that Kakyo hadn't joined in any of the raucous laughter or rude comments, and close up he looked rather pale.

"Sorry," Yuuto muttered to him under his breath. "You get used to the vulgarity eventually, I promise."

"What? Oh!" Kakyo replied, trying and failing to smile reassuringly despite hearing none of the conversation. "I'm okay, don't worry about me, I'm just tired." It wasn't a total lie: he'd been feeling completely exhausted since the party, though he only remembered the beginning, then bits and pieces. His last distinct memory was standing in his dark bedroom doorway facing Hokuto, holding hands and saying goodnight. He remembered her brave face, how her eyes had sparkled in the moonlight, but also the sadness underneath the bravery and beauty. He hadn't been able to really make sense of it at the time, and the next thing he knew he was waking up fully clothed in bed the next morning, driving rain pounding in his head and anxiety in his chest.

He'd immediately gotten out of bed to find Hokuto as he always did when feeling uneasy, and had come upon her in the kitchen making breakfast for Keiichi and Karen. She'd been her usual cheerful self, but something hadn't been right. He'd tried to ask her if she was okay, if something had happened the night before, but she'd brushed him off. It gave him a strange, empty feeling, and though he'd followed her lead in not saying anything more, it felt like the wrong thing to do, like he should know better. He flushed at the thought. How could he possibly know better? When had he ever known better?

A knock on the door forced him back to the present, to his castmates' noise and Yuuto looking nearly as troubled as he felt. Kamui rushed to answer the door, revealing Nataku, who looked relieved he hadn't walked in on anything strange. A giggle ran around the room.

"Fuuma wanted to remind you you're not allowed to sit in the audience and watch anymore," he said. Everyone nodded in understanding, still trying to stifle giggles, and Nataku shook his head in despair and left the room. The moment the door closed, everyone, even Yuuto and Kakyo, erupted into another fit of giggles, and finished getting into costume.

---

Nataku turned towards the women's dressing room and nearly walked smack into Yuzuriha. "Oh my god, I'm sorry!" she exclaimed, blushing.

"It's fine," he replied, put off by her agitation. "Fuuma wanted me to remind you not to hang around and watch in the audience anymore."

"Right! I remember!" she cried. "Thank you!" And with that, she rushed past him down the hall, leaving him staring after her, perplexed.

Behind the screen, Yuzuriha paused, trying to breathe and get her wits about her. Fortunately, all around her was dark, dusty silence, and she leaned against a wall and stared at the prop table across from her. She kept taking deep breaths as she stared at each of the props lined up neatly. The espresso machine Dr. Grant bought the Perspicuous was in the very center and shining in the glow of the light clamped to the side of the table. She remembered seeing it in other shows; Kusanagi had told her some other summer that it was just the old one from the bar in the lobby, which had been a donation by a local coffee shop. She could remember his smile as he'd told her, a little exasperated, a little conspiratorial, and it made her heart ache. 'No, focus,' she told herself crossly, before walking resolutely to where she needed to be for her first entrance. Of course, she had plenty of time, and in future rehearsals and performances she'd be able to spend most of Act One in the dressing room, but right now she had no desire to be there. She flashed back to Kanoe's comment, her tone disparaging under the guise of concern and compassion, and her already aching heart was licked by a tongue of angry flame from her belly.

"Alone with his tomatoes? I don't know…"

As if she were anyone to talk, when she and Yuuto were alone with their sex life and the sense of superiority it gave them. Yuzuriha flushed as her anger cooled and condensed into heavy guilt in her stomach. She didn't like thinking that way, it didn't make her feel any better, because it was unnecessary and because she had no idea if she was even close to accurate and because she didn't like to judge at the best of times. 'Especially considering my personal life isn't exactly puppies and rainbows,' she reminded herself, and the weight in her stomach spread out through her body. She sighed, trying to vent the feeling as best she could before her castmates joined her. She looked around, desperate for anything to distract her.

Someone, probably Nataku, had placed folding chairs about, and she sat down in one, her shadow long and spidery on the floor. She'd be lying if she said there wasn't part of her that was jealous of Kanoe. She and Yuuto had been together so long and were still obviously in love, like actually in love. She placed her elbows into her thighs and rested her chin in her hands, staring at the floor, chipped and scratched and covered in bits of glow tape. Clearly finding someone that perfect for you was possible because it happened to other people, real people, not just on TV or in movies. So why not her?

'Because I don't try,' she answered herself at once, leaden sadness threatening to weigh her down even more. Fortunately, at that moment she heard the rest of the cast leave the dressing rooms in a chattering crowd to find their places for the top of the act. She watched Subaru give Kamui a swift kiss on the lips before following Karen and Arashi on stage.

"Hold up, you three backstage too!" Came Fuuma's voice from the audience, no less loud and commanding from this vantage point. "We'll start from the first time the lights come up." Subaru, Arashi and Karen returned with looks of sarcastic persecution on their faces. Everyone stifled giggles as they took their places behind the screen, carefully avoiding the coils of electrical cable that powered it. "Everyone else is where they're supposed to be?" Nataku appeared suddenly in the gap between wings and screen. A few people waved at him, but he ignored them and returned to Fuuma.

"Yes."

"Good. Satsuki, kill the lights please." The lights all went off at once, and every bit of glow tape, new and old, shone in the sudden darkness. "Let me see it!" A pop beat sounded from every corner of the room, followed by a woman's voice. You're no good for me, baby you're no good for me. You're no good for me, but baby I want you, I want… The screen came on, casting its soft blue white light over the stage, clear and cold and diffuse. Subaru, Karen and Arashi took their places on stage, and Fuuma's lip curled as their shadows played across the screen. Diet Mountain Dew, baby New York City, never was there ever a girl so pretty. Do you think we'll be in love forever? Do you think we'll be in love…?

Satsuki brought up the rest of the stage lights and the music stopped abruptly to be replaced by a live broadcast of Tarara Boom De-ay played on an old fashioned radio. Everyone present knew that it was just a recording of Karen singing out in the lobby, but the effect was still convincing. The song continued for a few seconds longer while Karen stared out over the audience center stage, Subaru graded papers at the dining table and Arashi read a book on the couch. The song ended in applause, and there was just enough time to hear, "Thank you as always for tuning into WQXR-" before Subaru shut off the radio.

"Dad died a year ago today," he said, sharpening the focus in the room immediately. "May fifth." Fuuma leaned forward and narrowed his eyes at the stage, relishing the relative focus work provided. He felt cautiously as though the show was out of that in between stage where everything was muddy and he couldn't see where he was going. Nothing was really clear yet, obviously, but it seemed like everything they'd worked so hard for might actually be going somewhere and be worth something. After the last few days, it was heartening.

Backstage, Kusanagi, Kakyo and Keiichi stood waiting for their cues while everyone else sat in the folding chairs or paced about. From his seat beside Yuzuriha, Kamui caught Keiichi's eye. Keiichi mimed spitting at him and Kamui mimed it hitting him in the face. "Why are you guys being gross?" Yuzuriha demanded in a whisper. Kamui ignored her, but Kusanagi caught her eye and shook his head despairingly. Yuzuriha's blush glowed in the awkward backstage lights.

"Can we not?" Came Karen's weary voice from the stage, and Kusanagi called,

"Fuck both of you!" loudly in response.

"You're right, it's ridiculous," Kakyo conceded.

"It's beautiful out today, even though it's early," Subaru continued from his place at the dining table. "Eleven years ago, Dad was made a general and we all left New York. The city would either still be cold or that one week where it's warm but not hot and everything's in bloom. I can still remember it exactly. When I woke up this morning and actually felt the sun? Oh my god it was all I could think about." Everyone heard Fuuma's satisfied laugh at Subaru's sarcasm, then, "Will you please stop whistling, Maudie?"

Up in the lighting booth, Satsuki had her arms and legs crossed and was leaning back in her seat, surveying the stage, the actors and Fuuma through the glass she'd put back up to close off the booth. Her upper back was still painful, but she was pleased to see all her hard work put together and flowing rather than in pieces cut up in weird places by Fuuma's voice. Of course, after this run through he could turn everything on its head like he did last year, though she hoped having Seishiro in his ear keeping him focused all week would help. Although she appreciated Seishiro for usually taking her side in these situations, she found his and Fuuma's dynamic rather repellent a lot of the time. She rolled her eyes, wanting more and more to get this season over and done with.

"At least today I'm free, I'm home and I don't have a headache," said Subaru, again with that subtlest trace of sarcasm. "I even feel younger, though I'm still an old man at twenty eight."

"You talk too much shit, I can't listen to you anymore," Kakyo said, loudly, leading Keiichi on stage. Kusanagi followed slightly apart, immersed in his cell phone as he made his way to the couch.

"Are you okay?" Kamui whispered to Yuzuriha, once the three of them had disappeared around the screen.

"What? Yeah of course, why?"

"I dunno, you've just seemed off." Yuzuriha pressed her lips tightly together as she stared into his sincere face. He'd always been so perceptive.

"You managed to tear your eyes away from Subaru long enough to notice? I'm impressed, honestly!"

"Shut the fuck up," Kamui replied, conversationally, though he couldn't help but grin, and Yuzuriha herself hastily stifled a giggle.

"Things got weird after the party, that's all."

"What happened?" Kamui asked, his chest swelling and eyes narrowing as though he were preparing for a fight.

"Nothing bad!" she assured him, placing her hand on his forearm and giving it a squeeze. "Just like…" She smoothed the fabric of her dress, trying to find the words. "Punch just got me thinking, you know?"

"We've all been there," Kamui replied, consolingly, his demeanor softening at once. "You wanna talk about it?" A soft smile crossed Yuzuriha's lips as she stared into her friend's face. He already knew how she felt about Kusanagi, and she could tell him what Hokuto had said if she really had to. However, she wouldn't do it right now. Not at work. Not when there were even more people around to overhear.

"Later," she replied, softly, the promise making her feel better almost in spite of herself. Kamui nodded earnestly.

"I got you." On stage, Kusanagi let out a booming laugh, and Kamui took Yuzuriha's hand and squeezed it.

"No seriously, I've done fuck all since I graduated from medical school. Haven't even read a book, just random stuff online." Yuuto, who had been waiting backstage for that very cue, got to his feet at once. "See? I go on Facebook and see 'A woman did,' oh I don't know, something for a week 'and what happened blew our minds!'" Yuuto wrapped smartly on the back of the wings. "Oh shit, that's for me. Hold on!" Kusanagi appeared suddenly around the corner of the screen and came to stand sentinel by the prop table, ready and waiting for his cue to reenter with the espresso machine. Kanoe rose from her seat and also approached the prop table. She picked up an empty vase with a ribbon tied around it. There would be fresh flowers in it once the show opened.

"He's up to something," said Karen, narrowing her eyes after Kusanagi.

"Mm, he looked way too happy about whatever it was. Maybe it's a present?" Kakyo asked, sardonically.

"He's always doing shit like this," Subaru said, impatiently. He walked over to Karen and both of them looked expectantly at Arashi, who was still on the couch downstage right, thoroughly uninterested in the proceedings. However, under their gazes she got gracefully to her feet, saying, quietly,

"It's been six years and now I'm back. I'm home, Mother…" Her delivery was lyrical, almost as though she were reciting a metered poem. Fuuma smiled a wide, satisfied smile and Sorata's heart swelled in his chest.

"Where are you going?" Subaru asked, wearily.

"Home," Arashi replied, with dignity. However, before she could go anywhere, Subaru and Karen surrounded her.

"Why?" Karen demanded.

"It doesn't matter, I'll be back later," Arashi replied, dismissively. She hugged Karen goodbye. "Right after Dad died, when we held all those memorials and everything, there were at least thirty or forty people." She sounded sad, but completely matter of fact, though as she continued, her tone became more and more bitter. "And now there's hardly any of us, it's as fucking desolate as the view outside!" She gestured irritably at the screen, then ran her fingers through her hair. Subaru and Karen exchanged a look while Keiichi and Kakyo just raised their eyebrows. "Today's not a good day. I'm depressive, just ignore me. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Good lord," muttered Keiichi.

"Will you shut up?!" snapped Arashi.

'They should have parties every weekend if it makes them loosen up this much,' Fuuma thought, his chest swelling. For a split second, his mind flashed back to Seishiro, to their party, but was then distracted by the scene.

"Here, my darlings," said Kanoe, striding on stage with her vase of invisible flowers. "From the City Council, from Mr. Nathan!"

Yuuto kissed Kanoe as she passed him for her entrance, then waited until she'd disappeared around the edge of the screen before dropping into the seat beside Sorata, who asked, under his breath, "You all right?"

"Of course, just a little tired," Yuuto replied, surprised. "Why?"

"You just seemed really uncomfortable in the dressing room when-"

"Oh no, I assure you I wasn't," Yuuto replied, hoping the poor lighting was enough to hide his blush.

"I figured you'd have more to say, so then I wondered if we'd crossed a line, you know?" Yuuto forced a laugh, then fell silent as his mind jumped to Satsuki and his wife came backstage again. She sat down on his other side with a warm, affectionate smile, and his stomach scorched into a curl of hot guilt as he did his best to return it.

He had to talk to Satsuki and find out what was wrong, but he couldn't just go and see her now, could he? Not when they were working, but he did have quite a bit of time before he had to be on stage, and he didn't trust her not to leave the second Fuuma told them they were done for the day. He hesitated a moment longer, frozen in painful limbo, but then got to his feet abruptly as he came to his decision.

"Bathroom," he muttered to Kanoe before kissing her on the cheek. He hurried out from backstage, keeping his head bowed as though he could dodge any eyes following him. Not that he had any reason to worry about being scrutinized; no one else knew he was going to see Satsuki, and even then it was just to sort things out with her, a totally innocent endeavor. However, at the entrance to the lobby he almost collided with Nataku, and his casualness evaporated. "Sorry, bathroom!" he cried, stupidly, and Nataku's incredulous stare made him feel as though he were being X-rayed.

"Did partying make all of you forget to watch where you're going?" Nataku asked, coldly, before moving past Yuuto into the audience. Yuuto shook himself, his face burning, and hurried up to the lighting booth. He knocked, then pushed the door open.

Satsuki started at the noise and wheeled around in her seat. Her stomach contracted, her jaw clenched and her upper back throbbed painfully at the sight of Yuuto in her doorway. Immediately her mind flashed to him pulling her close, kissing her hard on the lips and bending her over the switchboard- but no. Her mind loved to play tricks like that on her, that was all. She crossed her legs and arms and glared at him where he stood. For a moment he quailed under her look, like a little boy caught doing something naughty, and Satsuki knew a surge of righteous contempt. "Yes?" she asked, her venomous tone contrasting sharply with her rather demure posture.

"Satsuki, are you angry with me about something?" Yuuto asked. It was weird to speak so plainly, but also weirdly relieving to finally put it out there. A full ten seconds passed in ringing silence, then Satsuki's eyes narrowed piercingly behind her glasses.

"No," she spat, "why?" Her contempt pushed uncomfortably against the constricted walls of her belly and chest.

"Well, Sunday night," Yuuto paused and swallowed, trying to find his words and keep his focus. He just wanted to clear the air, there was no reason to get worked up. Satsuki watched, seething, and wondered what he'd say. Possibilities chased each other through her mind, but she had counters for all of them ready. "I'm sorry I didn't keep better track of time," he decided on, finally. "Starting late and leaving you outside was fucked up, and I'm sorry." The words hung between them, and she remained silent, noticing with some satisfaction that he shivered, as though her cold fury was chilling the very air in the room. The silence dragged horribly as Yuuto waited for Satsuki to accept his apology and for things to go back to normal. That was how things always went with Kanoe- 'Satsuki isn't Kanoe,' he reminded himself. 'Isn't that the whole point?' Still he waited, but all he got was her cold stare.

Satsuki couldn't have said how his words made her feel, except that the contempt bubbling in her stomach suddenly burned shockingly. He was trying to apologize, to speak to her normally after all that had happened between them, and this was the best he could come up with? But then she reminded herself he was all surface level, all excuses and rationalizations and justifications. He was all words, and she hated every single one of them. "I see," she replied, eventually. Yuuto gave another shiver, but this one carried an aftershock of frustration. His hands balled themselves into fists.

"Is there, I mean I'm not sure what else I can apologize for here," he said, trying valiantly for diplomacy. Satsuki raised her eyebrows as the hot contempt in her stomach bubbled up into her chest, her vocal cords and her jaw.

"That sounds like a personal problem," she told him, which was perfectly true. He'd only apologized to make himself feel better, but truly what could he even apologize for? I'm sorry for being a weak little puke who won't take responsibility for hooking up with me and gets off on his pseudo-progressive bullshit? "Don't you have a cue soon?" she asked, hoping he'd just take the hint and be out. However,

"Satsuki, come on!" he pleaded, taking an impatient step towards her. "I know you're angry with me and I don't-"

"You know?" Satsuki asked, her voice lowering as contempt warmed and lubricated her voice box. "You don't know a damn thing. Get out before one of us misses a cue."

"No! If I don't know, then tell me!" Yuuto cried, taking another step towards her and pressing his hand to his chest. "Nothing will get solved if we don't communicate!" The word seemed to puncture a hole in Satsuki's contracted stomach, allowing the feelings within to pour out into the rest of her body. She was on her feet before she realized what she was doing.

"Don't," she spat, and Yuuto shuddered as though the word had stung him. "Don't say that to me right now."

"What?!" Yuuto cried out, then, catching himself, lowered his voice at once. "You're clearly angry and I'm just trying to solve whatever the problem is! Why are you shutting me out?" Satsuki closed her eyes, unable to stand even looking at him.

"There is no problem," she said, as calmly as she could, staring at the red black insides of her eyelids. This was also true: she had no right to be angry about their circumstances when she'd been fully aware of the situation going in, though of course that was exactly why this was all bullshit. No one had rights to their feelings when they didn't fit in with their structure, the very thing they were trying to subvert. What did she expect? That something would have changed just from them hooking up one on one? "I'm not angry with you," she said, after a moment, opening her eyes again. This was also true. As she stared into his flushed face, his bright, almost golden eyes, she felt nothing but disgust. "So I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like I was at one of your exploratory workshops or whatever you call them-" Yuuto gave another shudder, "-with you and your wife."

"Hold on, that's not fair!" Yuuto snapped, his flush deepening. He felt totally uncomfortable in his anger, but refused to allow this kind of disrespect. "You don't need to bring up what we do without you like that, it's not your business and we-"

"It's not?" Satsuki asked, coldly incredulous. "Are you sure?"

"I-" but Yuuto faltered, and Satsuki smiled a deeply satisfied smile.

'That's fucking right,' she thought, her entire body throbbing with disgust and superiority. She wanted to shatter him, break him into pieces, separate him from his and Kanoe's nonsense and finally see him raw and true.

"You know that wasn't-" again Yuuto faltered as a tidal wave of guilt rose up and crashed inside him, making his stomach lurch and throat constrict as though he'd gagged. Was that what she was angry about? That he'd made that mistake with her? He hated feeling this way, and he was furious at being in this situation and both Satsuki and himself for putting him there. "That was a one time thing and it wasn't allowed and-"

"Allowed?" Satsuki asked, gloriously scornful. She'd never seen him discomposed, much less really and truly angry before, but it felt good, as though she were siphoning off her own negative feelings into him, watching someone stuck in this situation besides her suffer for a change. "Do you have to be home when the street lights come on too?" Yuuto's expression hardened.

"Don't say it like that," Yuuto shot back, his voice lowering.

"Like how?" Satsuki asked, almost lazily.

"Like I'm not equal in all of this, like I'm some kind of victim!" Satsuki let out a harsh, derisive laugh. "I'm serious, that's fucked up, Satsuki! It is all equal, we agreed to it together-"

"Good for you," Satsuki interrupted. "I've heard all of your speeches about rules and boundaries before, I don't fucking care."

"Really? You don't care, really?" Yuuto asked, before he could stop himself. "You care when you call them ridiculous, or when you give me a hard time, or when you don't respect them!" Satsuki closed her eyes against the rush of revulsion she felt at the words, and when she opened them she was fuming.

"You've got some nerve putting that all on me," she said, through gritted teeth. "Get the fuck out of here before you miss your cue."

"No!" Yuuto cried, clutching his chest with one hand and gesturing wildly with the other. "You can't just make all these assumptions and then shut down when you might be wrong! Stop it, you're better than that!" His voice broke and he swallowed the sudden burning in his throat and stared determinedly back at Satsuki, at the face he'd so long admired and had once smiled at him discreetly but now showed nothing but anger.

'You're better than that, who the fuck do you think you are?' she thought, furiously, but all she said was, "Go." Yuuto's face fell.

"Satsuki, please!" His anger had fueled her, but now he just sounded sad, and she hated it. She wanted to scream at him, or pull inwards and withdraw and shut him out. However, she found herself stuck, able to do either.

"What?" she seethed, "what do you want?" He said nothing, but of course he didn't, because he'd never have a good answer for her, and his expression sagged under the question as he realized it too. However, he stood his ground, staring her hard in the face. He had to do something to make her understand, make her forgive him, make her…

As if in slow motion, he gave one last pathetic little moan, stepped forward, took her face into his hands and pulled her into a kiss. Satsuki cried out in surprise against his lips, but then melted into it, throwing her arms around him and pulling him flush up against her. He gave another soft moan and backed her up against the lighting board, shoving his thigh between her legs and running his fingers through her hair. He wasn't thinking anymore, he was barely feeling: his entire spectrum of emotions had converged into the white hot passion now surging through his body. Satsuki gasped softly and began to grind against his thigh, already craving more friction. It had been like this last time too; no wasted words, no bullshit, just pure and honest expression, and it made her crazy.

"Here!" she gasped, between kisses, seizing Yuuto's wrist and shoving his hand up her shirt. Yuuto groaned into her mouth and squeezed her warm, heavy breast while his other hand reached blindly for the zipper on her shorts. Satsuki shivered and dragged her hands down his chest to undo his pants at once, moaning softly as she felt his erection, already straining against his underwear.

"Oh god," Yuuto gasped, softly, thrusting into her hand and sliding her shorts down. Satsuki broke their kiss only to step out of them and kick them aside, the chilled air on her hot, flushed skin making her shiver again. Yuuto let out a moan of longing and his erection throbbed hopefully as he stared between her legs. Satsuki would have stayed there and relished it, let him groan and drool, but right now she needed more and wouldn't have waited even if they'd had time. She pulled him into another kiss and helped him slide his pants halfway down his thighs. He backed her up once more into the console, and Satsuki took hold of his erection and pressed it up against herself, hot and full and slippery. "Oh god," Yuuto gasped again, any and all remaining judgment or reservations deserting him in the promise the sensation held. "Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Satsuki cried, impatiently. With another deep, passionate kiss, Yuuto thrust deep inside her, pushing her up onto the console. Satsuki knew a moment of true ecstasy as he filled her, as he was all hers, and she wrapped her arms and legs tight around him, wanting to be as close as she could even through their clothes. He immediately began to move, pulling out and thrusting back inside at an almost frantic speed, though he maintained the perfect angle for her pleasure.

Satsuki moaned encouragingly and Yuuto brought one hand between them to press his fingertips against her clit. He knew he wouldn't last long, and he didn't care, but even in his fogged brain he knew he had to take care of her first. Satsuki muffled her cry against his lips as her inner walls throbbed gratefully and her thighs began to shake. It set Yuuto's body on fire and he kept going, pleasing her as hard and as fast as he could, desperate to make her feel good. Satsuki dug her fingers into his upper back and buried her face in his neck, gasping and shuddering against his skin. The pleasure inside her had already built to the bursting point, but her mind was too deliciously fogged to even think of warning him. She came hard against his fingers and around his erection, her body shuddering violently with the force of it, and Yuuto swallowed any noise she might have made in a deep, passionate kiss. She went limp in his arms except for the occasional residual shudder and buried her face in his neck again. She breathed in his sweat, his aftershave and his shampoo and moaned longingly on her exhale. "Are you close?" she managed to whisper in his ear.

"Y-yeah," he gasped, his erection throbbing as he said it. The spasm of her pleasure had almost been enough to send him over the edge, but he'd held on, wanting to relish it.

"Keep going." Yuuto nodded gratefully and was back to it, fucking her hard and fast and deep, steadying himself with one hand behind her on the console and the other around her waist. It didn't take much else.

"I'm gonna come!"

"Inside!" Yuuto bit down on her shoulder as he came, deep inside her, pleasure rushing out of him from every nerve of his body, making him shudder violently and gasp in her ear. He managed a few more weak thrusts, draining himself completely, before sagging against her.

"Oh my god," he moaned into her neck. He nosed at her hair, her ear, her jaw, before she turned and caught his lips in a kiss. Yuuto groaned into her mouth and they stayed there for what felt like a long time, though it was probably only a minute or so, kissing softly but deeply and holding each other close.

When they eventually broke apart, Yuuto felt strangely detached from his body. He watched himself pull out, his erection deflating in his hands as he zipped up again. Bizarrely, his first thought was, 'Hokuto will kill me if I get stains on these pants.' Then, a split second later, 'Hokuto, oh wait-' The thought jump started his brain. 'Oh fuck,' he thought, as who and where he was and what he'd been doing clunked back into place unpleasantly. He was at rehearsal, he'd come to talk to Satsuki in between cues and they'd just… "I'm so sorry!" he blurted out, stupidly.

"What?" Satsuki asked, the snap in her voice dulled by satisfaction as she redressed.

"I," Yuuto began, but then stared past her, his brain and expression blanking. A moment's silence. "I'll," but he just kissed her on the lips, because he couldn't stand to just leave her, and hurried back downstairs, uncomfortably aware that in trying to solve one problem, he'd created so many more.

Satsuki watched him go, a strange numbness spreading out from her beating heart. She crossed her arms and turned around to look out the plastic panel onto the stage to see where they were. Fortunately, she hadn't missed any cues, and Yuuto made it backstage in time for his first line. From her numb observatory, Satsuki watched Yuuto enter, heard him deliver his lines with Kirsch's characteristic grandiosity and pomp. She watched him try to be loving and affectionate with Arashi, only to get rebuffed and have no idea why.

For some reason Satsuki felt her throat burn through her numbness and she turned away, unable to look. How disgusting, just going back on stage and being up in other people's space as if he hadn't just fucked her senseless. The fact that it was Arashi, who was so sheltered and clueless, made it so much worse. Satsuki hugged herself tighter and sat down in her chair, finding residual pockets of satisfaction and disgust as she moved. Her heart continued to pound in her chest, begging for a cue, for anything to distract her.

---

In the audience, Fuuma noticed nothing of Yuuto's leaving and reappearing, he was too absorbed in the rest of the act. He sat with his elbows on his knees and chin in his hands as Kamui led Yuzuriha downstage center, away from everyone else at the table upstage, looking almost silhouetted against the blue white light of the screen. "I don't even know, just, please…" Kamui begged, softly, before tenderly taking Yuzuriha's face in his hands and kissing her. Satsuki waited as long as she could stand it before killing all the lights and playing the next sound cue. Diet Mountain Dew, baby New York City, can we get it down low, down and gritty? Do you think we'll be in love forever? Do you think we'll be in love…?

Under the cover of the music, everyone rushed about to grab props, move set pieces and change backstage. Kamui sat down on the couch with a book, and the music faded into background noise as the screen lit up in Act Two's deep, purplish black. Kamui allowed a few beats, then turned on the bedside table lamp to begin the scene.

Backstage, everyone settled themselves into chairs or on the floor, listening for cues and talking among themselves in whispers. Yuuto, however, immediately rushed past all of them into the dressing room. A few of his castmates looked after him curiously, but none of them said anything.

Being on stage had been helpfully distracting, but now the chaos at the edges of Yuuto's mind was seeping in like rising water. He sped up his pace, the long black hallway seeming to close in around him, before he finally wrenched the dressing room door open, stepped inside and slammed it behind him. He sighed and leaned against the closed door, covering his eyes against the great geyser of emotion gushing up in his chest.

It was impossible to pick apart separate feelings, let alone identify them. All he knew was that it was painful and overwhelming. However, through it all, one question remained inescapable: how could he have let this happen, not just once, but twice?! He wanted to scream, or cry, things he normally never felt like doing except on stage. How did Satsuki always manage to draw this much out of him, take his footing right out from under him? This never happened with Kanoe, they barely raised their voices at each other, let alone actually fought! Satsuki wasn't exactly firey or argumentative either of course, but the way she'd looked at him, both Sunday night and just now… Kanoe had never looked at him like that, but… Maybe she would in light of his second transgression…

'What is wrong with me?!' he thought, furiously, fighting all of his feelings as hard as he could. He wouldn't break down. He'd say calm and handle the situation rationally. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tight around himself and took deep breaths in through his nose. However, what he really wanted was another person there, but he couldn't ask Kanoe to comfort him now.

---

On stage, Kanoe kissed Kamui goodnight and exited through the wings. She looked around for Yuuto, but didn't see him. She hoped he wasn't getting sick or something, close as they were to opening. She sat down beside Karen, took off her shoes and began to rub her feet. Karen smiled.

"I admire your commitment," she whispered.

"It's nothing," Kanoe whispered back. "You should have seen the shoes I wore when I did a stage adaptation of Venus in Fur."

"Oh I'm sure!" Karen replied, smiling, then added, "that must have been a fantastic show."

"Well, I was an understudy," Kanoe amended. "But when I did get to perform I had a wonderful time!"

"You must have!" The lights on stage all went out, and a moment later Kamui came through the wings, shaking his head and dropping into the seat beside Yuzuriha. "Do you want to take our places?" Karen murmured to Kakyo, on her other side.

"What?" he asked, even more out of sorts without Transeau to distract and focus him.

"Let's go take our places," Karen said, a little more firmly.

"Oh! Yes let's." They stood up and headed out behind the audience to the lobby door.

"It's different, right? Not being able to sit and watch," whispered Karen.

"It is," Kakyo replied, gratefully. "I keep thinking I've missed cues, is that weird?"

"Oh no, not at all, and even if you did we've all been there. It's not the end of the world." Kakyo seriously doubted this, but appreciated it all the same. Karen was always so kind to him. "I once missed a cue because I was reading a book backstage," she confessed. Kakyo suppressed a laugh.

"That's so… Innocent?"

"It is, right? The seventh Harry Potter book had just come out so I wasn't the only one. There's a photo somewhere of the whole cast backstage reading it, I'll see if I can find it." Kakyo hastily suppressed another laugh. On stage they could see Sorata and Arashi moving around each other, narrowly avoiding kisses and touches. At the party, everyone had given them so much space without asking, as though there were some silent agreement. Looking back, it made him feel like a child: grown ups communicating in code words and implications and knowing looks while he sat there in anxious darkness. It wasn't like he didn't understand, it had just been a long time, and no one he had those feelings towards would reciprocate anyway. He blushed deeply.

"Are you feeling all right?" Karen asked. Kakyo sighed, insistence that all was well halfway to his mouth, but then he swallowed it. He looked at Karen in her grey shift dress, side lit by the stage lights, expression soft and receptive.

"I'm fine, but um, did Hokuto seem weird to you yesterday?"

"In what way?" Karen asked. Kakyo though for a moment, unsure of exactly what to say. How could he describe it, and describe it without giving himself away? At the party, he'd held her hand at the top of the stairs and she'd stared so deeply into his eyes, only to avoid looking him in the face the next day, despite being her usual cheerful self.

"I think she might be mad at me," he said, and his stomach contracted fearfully.

"Did she tell you that?" Karen asked, her expression softening sympathetically.

"No, but," Kakyo's heart was now pounding.

"Kakyo?"

"Sorry, what?"

"Breathe," she said, firmly but kindly. "If she didn't tell you, wait to ask her what's going on before you panic, okay? Trust me." Kakyo took a deep breath in through his nose and nodded on his exhale. After the way Hokuto had brushed him off yesterday, he doubted he'd be able to get a word in, but he supposed in the short term Karen had a point. He knew from what she'd told him about her childhood that she'd spent a lot of time assuming people were angry with her. At the time it had been a survival strategy, but now it only got in her way. He understood completely how that felt.

"Yeah," he said, after a moment. "Thank you."

On stage, Sorata lifted Arashi into his arms and laid her down gracefully over the dining table, and Karen and Kakyo began to make their way up the aisle. "I'm so tired!" Karen exclaimed, and Kakyo's focus shifted immediately back to Transeau. He placed his hand on Karen's lower back, and she turned to smile at him. "Thank you for bringing me home."

Satsuki activated the would-be porch light as they came up the stairs, and Sorata and Arashi scrambled off the table and away from each other, flushed and sweaty and gasping. In the audience, Nataku made a noise of disgust which Fuuma ignored, while backstage Yuuto finally emerged from the dressing room. He was feeling rather jumpy but managed to stay calm and focused as he sat down beside Kanoe. She took his hand, though he wished she wouldn't.

The rest of the scene passed quickly and smoothly, ending with Karen alone, center stage, singing softly, "So is the girl, you used to call, the Queen of New York City…" Satsuki killed all the lights. You're no good for me, baby you're no good for me. You're no good for me, but baby I want you, I want… The song faded out sweetly into silence.

Fuuma applauded loudly, then called, "Take ten!"

Satsuki brought up the house lights before sprinting down her stairs and into the bathroom. She didn't look at herself in the mirror as she rushed into a stall, slammed the door and locked it. She leaned against the side of the stall, eyes closed and heart slamming against the inside of her chest.

Without the helpful distraction of sound and lighting cues, everything that had happened came flooding into her mind and body, intense and visceral and corrosive. She wanted to cry out, vent the unpleasant feelings somehow, but of course she wouldn't even if she could. She took off her glasses, pressed the heel of one hand between her eyes and wrapped her other arm around herself. She tried to gather herself, but the harder she tried the worse it all seemed to become. She could still feel Yuuto's touches and kisses, hear his breath and his moans, and for one eternal second, it all seemed to overwhelm her, possess her. This had happened last time too, and she'd never felt anything like it with anyone else. Was this what kept her running back? Chasing him despite knowing he was unattainable? She knew she was getting scraps, that she'd always get scraps, and it seemed almost worth it when the scraps affected her so powerfully. Satsuki's stomach lurched and she clapped her hand to her mouth. 'No,' she thought, furiously, as hatred and disgust rushed up her throat, highjacking her brain and making it spin sickeningly. She also couldn't remember ever feeling this angry at anyone else, but she had no right to be this angry, she knew what this was, she'd-

At that moment, the door swung open and two sets of footsteps echoed off the tile floor and walls, making her jump. "Really, it's not a big deal," came Yuzuriha's voice.

'Great,' thought Satsuki. Under the cover of Yuzuriha's next words, she sank down onto the toilet and pulled her legs into her chest, hoping they wouldn't notice her and feeling utterly pathetic.

"What she said just bugged me, that's all." Yuzuriha leaned against the sink, still dressed in her silky pink nightgown from the second act.

"I know," Arashi replied, carefully reapplying her lipstick in the mirror and watching Yuzuriha out of the corner of her eye. It was a transparent red Karen had leant her, assuring her how nice it looked on stage. Arashi had just taken her word for it, but now thought she might have a point. Yuzuriha crossed her arms, and Arashi waited.

"She didn't have to come at him about his tomatoes," Yuzuriha snapped, eventually. In spite of herself, Satsuki was suddenly curious. Who wanted to talk shit about Kusanagi?

"She didn't," Arashi agreed, her tone cautious despite how much she agreed. Kanoe's comment had reminded her of all the disparaging things her aunt liked to say about what other people loved.

"Like what the fuck?" Yuzuriha cried, her tone thick with righteous anger. "Alone with his tomatoes. Maybe that's all he needs, who the fuck are you?!" Her voice broke and she shuddered as a fresh deluge of hopelessness fell in upon her. Arashi's heart ached for her, but she said nothing. "Sorry," Yuzuriha said, thickly, looking up at the ceiling as if to drain away the tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. "It's not a big deal, Kanoe has something to say about everyone, I-"

"It's different when it's someone you care about though, isn't it?" Arashi asked, hesitantly, covering Satsuki's tiny noise of disgust. Silence fell, thick and painful, over the bathroom. Yuzuriha finally faced Arashi, her eyes now swimming with tears. "I'm sorry!" exclaimed Arashi at once, terrified.

"What makes you say that?" Yuzuriha asked in a brittle voice. She felt exposed, just as she had the night of the party.

"I'm sorry," Arashi said again, her voice much higher than usual. Had she said the wrong thing? Was Yuzuriha upset with her now? Was everything ruined? "I just… All I meant was…" Yuzuriha blinked, and her tears slid down her face. "Oh," Arashi breathed, and with a sudden rush of understanding she felt her heart break, each shard now beating sharply in her chest. "I didn't realize…"

"Does everyone know?!" Yuzuriha burst out, slightly hysterically. Her emotion frightened Arashi more. She had no idea what to do, how to comfort her. In the bathroom stall, Satsuki screwed up her eyes. She didn't want to listen to this. She really didn't want to listen to this. "At the party Hokuto said I should talk to Kusanagi, tell him how I feel, she said! Like she's anyone to talk! When she's pretending Kakyo's not-" but she broke off with a strangled sob, tears now pouring down her face. Still frightened, but determined to be there for her friend, Arashi opened her arms. Yuzuriha fell into them, crying hard into her shoulder. Arashi closed her eyes, feeling deeply out of place in this caregiving role, but doing her best.

"Shh," she said, quietly into Yuzuriha's hair. "For what it's worth I had no idea you felt that way, when I said 'care about' all I mean was, well it doesn't matter, I'm sorry…" Yuzuriha heaved a heavy sigh. "It's all right…"

Satsuki glared at the scene through the crack between stall and door, knowing a deep contempt and latching onto it for dear life. Why were they being so dramatic? Everyone here had feelings for someone else, why did it have to be such a big fucking deal? Was all this hugging and crying really necessary? But then Satsuki realized just how isolated she felt in that moment, hiding from colleagues in a bathroom stall like some tragic middle school student. Was this really any less dramatic? She closed her eyes, hoping desperately for it to be over.

Eventually, Yuzuriha got control of herself and let go of Arashi, who seized a fistfull of tissues from the box on the counter and handed them to her. "Sorry," she choked, sniffing and wiping her eyes. "This is so stupid, I'm going crazy over nothing…"

'Yes,' Satsuki thought, coldly.

"No," interjected Arashi, but,

"Sorry," Yuzuriha said again, shaking her head. "Let's just get back to work, we're gonna be late!" She was trying her best to sound normal and forced a smile, because she hated to see Arashi looking so worried.

"If you're sure," Arashi replied, hesitantly. Yuzuriha nodded and began to fix her smudged make up in the mirror, though it didn't make much of a difference against how red and puffy her eyes were. "Yuzuriha?"

"Yeah?"

"I um, I doubt I'll be much help, but if you need to talk to someone, I'm here." Arashi meant it, and she hoped Yuzuriha knew that. She seemed to, because she smiled a watery smile, then,

"I wish I knew what to do."

"I wish I did too." Yuzuriha sighed resignedly, though she was still trying valiantly to smile. "It'll be all right," Arashi continued, because she could think of nothing else to say. Yuzuriha sniffed.

"I hope so," she replied, wearily, running her fingers through her hair. "It just feels like… I got so used to how things were, it didn't occur to me that they could be any different. Does that make sense?"

"It does," replied Arashi, and she meant that too. Satsuki shuddered and dug her fingernails into her upper arms.

'Even if things could be different, would you want them to be?'

"Yeah," sighed Yuzuriha. A pause. "Let's just go back to rehearsal, okay?"

"Okay," Arashi replied, her tone as supportive and cajoling as she could make it.

Satsuki heard the door open, then swing shut, and the sound echoed in the sudden, empty silence. She waited a few seconds before getting to her feet. She actually used the bathroom, the whole reason she'd snuck out of the lighting booth in the first place, then unlocked the door. It creaked open and she stepped forward to wash her hands, looking anywhere but at her reflection in the mirror behind it.

"It didn't occur to me that things could be any different."

The words bounced off the insides of her skull, crawled under her skin and twisted her stomach. Things could be different for Yuzuriha if she really did have feelings for Kusanagi (Satsuki had had no idea, both because she didn't care and because Yuzuriha was good at hiding it) all she'd have to do would be to talk to him. It was simple. She had a choice, but instead of doing anything she was wallowing and making everything needlessly complicated, just like everyone here loved to do.

Satsuki reflected upon her own circumstances, which were also needlessly complicated. She shut off the water and seized a paper towel rather aggressively. What was the point of Yuuto coming to talk to her today?! How could he possibly think of apologizing when he refused to take responsibility? When he was angry at her for his own fucking choice?! She screwed up her eyes. She hated him for making her feel this way and this much when it shouldn't have mattered at all. She was supposed to be their third to get out her attraction to him. It was just supposed to be work and sex, that was it, so why had he broken his stupid, arbitrary rule for her twice?

As she threw out the paper towel, it occurred to her to actually wonder about his motivation. She'd been working under the assumption that he was just acting under desire and instinct, not really using his brain. That was how most people behaved, after all. At last she faced herself in the mirror, her shrewd eyes behind her glasses, downturned mouth and short hair tied back in a ponytail. She looked away again at once. She wasn't beautiful enough to lure him away from Kanoe, conspicuously gorgeous and everything a man like him would want. But if that wasn't the reason, what was? He hadn't just fucked her and let her be, he'd sought her out to speak to her, more than once in fact. He couldn't actually have other feelings towards her, could he?

Satsuki's stomach lurched again and she pressed her lips tightly together. It was as though she'd been walking along a familiar path only to have it suddenly lead her to the edge of a cliff. She tried to reassure herself that he couldn't have any deeper feelings for her. He was very much in love with his wife, as they constantly reminded everyone, unless that was all compensation? Satsuki shuddered and shook her head, her lips still pressed tightly together. No no no. She wouldn't go there. Whatever his feelings were or were not, they were his problem, except that he was making them her problem. Satsuki shuddered and straightened up.

"Fuck this," she muttered, the words sharp in her throat. Without a backwards look, she stormed from the bathroom and back into the theater just as Fuuma was calling his cast to order. She caught sight of Yuuto in the crowd, looking dazed, but when they made eye contact he started and averted his gaze. Satsuki knew a rush of painful contempt as she climbed back up to the lighting booth.

"So far so good?" Fuuma asked, loudly, and his cast nodded and made noises of agreement. "Good. Change the set for Act Three, then places." Everyone obeyed at once, swapping the dining room for the bedroom before taking their places backstage or in the aisles. Satsuki killed the lights dispassionately, then turned on the screen and the first sound cue, a beautiful but heavy guitar riff, then finished with the would-be emergency vehicle light. Fuuma's lip curled. He couldn't help but feel pleased with himself. The act proceeded smoothly, so smoothly in fact that it distracted him totally from thoughts of Seishiro.

"What the fuck, tonight…" Karen said, quietly to Subaru, the only other person on the shadowy stage with her at the end of the act. "Jackson?"

"Mm?"

"Did you hear the brigade is leaving? They're going somewhere far away."

"That's just a rumor," Subaru replied, sounding exhausted.

"We'll be all alone here, Jackson!" Karen said, just as exhausted.

"Yeah," he replied, putting his arm around her.

"Transeau's a good guy, right? I'll tell him, we'll get together!" She buried her face in Subaru's chest. "But please, promise me we'll go back to New York!" Satsuki killed the lights again, but there was no music for this transition as per Fuuma's instructions. Subaru and Karen exited, smiling weakly at their castmates. Kamui sprang to his feet and hugged Subaru tightly, and he sighed heavily in his arms.

"You're so good in that scene," Kamui breathed in his ear. Subaru laughed softly and kissed him on the cheek. The house lights came on again, illuminating backstage in shafts between the screen and wings.

"Keep going!" Fuuma called, though of course during performances there would be another intermission here. Subaru and Kamui let go of each other reluctantly and headed back on stage to help with the set change.

Yuzuriha watched them from a distance, marvelling at how easy it all seemed for them. They'd had no problem saying how they felt, and it had worked out beautifully. Clearly this was possible for other people, so what was different for her and Kusanagi? Well, many things, age and proximity to each other during the off season for a start. She sighed as she carried her assigned props to their rightful places, watching Kusanagi, Yuuto, Subaru, Sorata and Kamui lift the bed and carry it backstage, feeling more stuck than ever.

Once the set was changed, everyone took their places for the final act. Yet again Satsuki killed the lights, but it was for a much shorter time. She brought up the screen and played the first sound cue. A rather morose voice began to sing, accompanied by a much happier backing track. All I need is some sunshine… All I need… All I need is some sun… shine… All I need… Lastly she brought up the stage lights, illuminating Kusanagi, Yuuto, Karen and Kakyo, who opened with,"The brigade is leaving today, it's the end of an era!"

"This might just work, shh!" Fuuma muttered to Nataku, who of course ignored him. A smile broke out across Fuuma's face and remained there until he jumped at the gunshot heralding Transeau's death at the end of the act.

"Let them all cry!" Kusanagi proclaimed, resignedly, "get it out. Tarara boom de-ay, I sit in gloom all day. Who gives a fuck?" Fuuma could feel the scene closing in upon them. "Tarara boom de-ay, I sit in gloom all day, who gives a fuck?"

"I wish I knew," said Subaru. The entire theater went dark, and as the rest of the cast made its way on stage for what would eventually be the curtain call, the song from the top of the act began to play again. I found empathy, from madness… Deliverance, from malaise… My heart is filled with gladness… And you're the only spirit that I crave… All I need… The lights came up again, revealing the whole cast standing in a line, holding hands. Black water, black… Water…

"Stop!" Fuuma called, and the music cut off. He stood up, and for a moment the cast tensed, but then saw he was grinning like an idiot. "That looked pretty fucking good from where I'm standing," he proclaimed, "how did it feel?"

"Great!" Keiichi cried at once, and everyone laughed and nodded in agreement.

"Fantastic," replied Fuuma. "We'll work out curtain call later. For now just take…" He consulted his phone. "Twenty, and we'll start working more closely." Everyone rushed off stage in different directions, talking and laughing. Subaru followed Kamui and Keiichi back to their dressing room to retrieve his cigarettes and cellphone. No texts, but he raised his eyebrows at a voicemail from Hokuto. He called her back at once without bothering to listen to it.

"Hello?"

"Hey- one second, Kamui. Hokuto? You called me?"

"I did. Are you on break now?"

"Yes, for twenty minutes. Why?"

"Can we meet up? I want to talk to you about something." Subaru's brow furrowed and Kamui and Keiichi stopped chattering at once.

"Of course, is everything okay?"

"Yeah! It's no big deal, I just want your opinion on something." This did nothing to assuage Subaru's concern. "Meet me in front of the Igarashi?"

"Sure, see you in a bit." He hung up and shoved his phone, cigarettes and lighter into his back pocket.

"What's up?" Kamui asked immediately, his eyes wide. Subaru couldn't help but smile and kissed him reassuringly on the lips.

"Hokuto. I'll see you after break, okay?" Kamui nodded. He and Keiichi bid Subaru goodbye, and he was out the door with a wave over his shoulder. Out in the lobby, he spotted his sister at once, smiling and waving on the other side of the glass. "Hey," he said, pushing the door open and approaching her. Her smile vanished the moment he lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

"You have some nerve, smoking in your costume in front of me."

"I do," Subaru agreed, exhaling smoke away from her. Hokuto just shook her head, seized his upper arm and dragged him down the winding gravel path that led to the Apapa and Ohkawa. It was another beautiful day. The leaves and grass seemed to glow in the bright, clear sunlight and cloudless sky. Gravel crunched under their feet, insects hummed in the distance and trees rustled in a light breeze.

"How was rehearsal?" Hoktuo asked, still holding Subaru's arm.

"Great! I'm sure we'll be in trouble for something later, but-"

"That's a good start!"

"Mm." Subaru took a patient drag from his cigarette in the moment's silence that followed.

"Is Kakyo doing okay?" Hokuto asked, as casually as she could.

"As far as I know," Subaru replied, then, knowing they only had twenty minutes, "wouldn't you do better to ask him that?" Their path wound them around the back of the Apapa, where there was a small pond full of frogs basking on rocks. Subaru smiled fondly and took extra care to exhale down wind of them.

"We need time apart," replied Hokuto, finally letting go of Subaru's arm.

"What does that mean?" he asked, laughing at her gesture rather than her words, but she gave him a nasty look anyway. "I'm serious! And I'm listening." Hokuto glared at him a moment longer for good measure, but then sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around herself defensively.

"Do you remember that huge fight we had? Where you told me to back off and leave you alone?"

"We had a few of those as I recall," Subaru replied, tilting his head to the side. Hokuto resisted cuffing him on the upper arm.

"It was like that," she said, evasively. Subaru paused with his cigarette halfway to his mouth.

"Kakyo actually told you he needed space?" he asked, simultaneously stunned and impressed. However, when Hokuto shook her head and averted her gaze, Subaru changed tact at once. "What happened?" he asked, still ignoring his cigarette.

"Nothing," replied Hokuto, "but on Sunday night…" And she told Subaru all that had taken place after they'd returned to their dorm. How they'd hung out on the porch, how he'd started to tell her too much, how she'd begged him to have the conversation sober, how heartbroken he'd looked through his drunkenness as they'd said good night. She left out what she'd said to Yuzuriha, though, because even thinking about it was enough to make her skin crawl with guilt. Subaru just listened, his eyes soft and receptive, occasionally taking drags from his cigarette or nodding or adding the odd "mmhmm." Although it was helpful to say it all out loud, it wasn't instructive, and the moment she was finished she looked to her brother for guidance. Subaru, however, finished his cigarette, snubbed it out on the metal lid of a trash can and threw it out before saying anything.

"Did you end up having that conversation sober?" Hokuto watched insects skimming the surface of the pond for a moment.

"No. I was hoping he wouldn't remember." She closed her eyes, her insides squirming guiltily.

"I don't blame you," Subaru assured her at once, "but that'd be way too easy."

"I know," snapped Hokuto, facing Subaru, "but what am I going to say? This is all way too soon, your feelings are skewed because of circumstance? That's so patronizing! I-"

"Can I please ask you something?" Subaru interrupted, as kindly as he could.

"If you feel you must," replied Hokuto, still rather snappishly.

"How do you feel about Kakyo?" Silence fell between them and Hokuto just looked back at Subaru, utterly perplexed.

"What?"

"You keep talking about Kakyo. How he feels, what his intentions are, what will happen to him." The corner of his mouth twitched. "This is the longest I think I've ever heard you go without talking about yourself."

"Oh shut up!" However, the point nudged its way into Hokuto's mind and heart like a splinter, uncomfortable and awkward and impossible to ignore. She fixed her gaze once more upon the pond, staring this time at the largest frog as he slid gracefully off his rock into the water.

"We have the same problem," Subaru reminded Hokuto, kindly, "great with other people's shit, not so great with our own." Hokuto snorted despairingly. He was right of course. They'd known this about themselves and each other for years, especially when it started getting them into trouble. Another frog leapt into the water with a soft splash, sending ripples out to the edges of the pond.

"I know I don't owe him my feelings," Hokuto said, slowly.

"Mmhmm."

"And I know codependent caretaking dynamics don't work, that's just a breeding ground for resentment."

"Truly," said Subaru, thinking of how many times he'd had to learn that lesson the hard way before it finally stuck. Hokuto looked up at him expectantly, waiting for him to agree with her and move on, but, "You didn't answer my question, though."

"Yes I did."

"No," Subaru contradicted her, kindly as ever. "I asked you how you feel about Kakyo. YOu told me two things you know and that I agree with-"

"Thanks, Subaru!" Hokuto interrupted, sarcastically, but he pressed on.

"But how do you feel about Kakyo? Do you like him? Romantically?" And there it was, the question she'd actually needed to address since Sunday night. Or far longer than that, if she were honest with herself. She tried to shy away and deflect the sudden spotlight she found herself under, but it seemed her words had left her. With a heavy sigh, she actually began to ponder the question.

Before bringing him up to BTC with her, her answer would have been unequivocally no. He was an online friend she'd grown to care about beyond blogposts and messages, a friend she wanted to see get better, a friend she could help. However, once Kakyo had started to feel better, work and come alive, she was forced to admit she'd noticed him in a whole new light.

He was very good looking, particularly on stage, powerful and present and drawing all eyes to him. Offstage, too, they'd started having much more fun together, once she wasn't so consumed with taking care of him and making sure he was comfortable. They also complemented each other nicely: they both had a deep inner intensity, but while she wore hers on her sleeve, his was hidden beneath his introversion and softness. She remembered saying goodnight to him on the stairwell again, and imagined going into his room, wrapping herself around him and waking him up… What side of him would she see there? She sighed again, but remained silent. It wasn't as though she didn't like him romantically, but did that mean she did? It took her a long time to decide what to say, because it seemed like a statement one way or the other would somehow bind her, and that restriction and commitment was far scarier than any emotion.

"I don't know," she said, eventually, and as much as she hated to admit it, doing so seemed to ease out the splinter of Subaru's point. Newly unblocked, she continued as if someone else were speaking for her. "I don't think I can say honestly one way or the other because of what our relationship's been thus far. Does that make sense?" She looked into her brother's face, still so loving and receptive.

"Absolutely." Hokuto smiled, grateful for the validation. "Do you want advice?" Hokuto rolled her eyes, though the space once occupied by the splinter was now aching for anything else.

"Sure."

"When you have the conversation, tell him that. Keep the focus on you and how you feel." The corner of his mouth twitched. "Be selfish."

"Subaru Sumeragi did you of all people just tell me to be selfish?!" Hokuto shrieked. Subaru shrugged, grinning.

"Giving others the advice I need is my thing, remember?" Hokuto rolled her eyes. "Kakyo can take it, don't worry," he continued, on a more serious note.

"Can he?" Hokuto asked, before she could stop herself.

"With rare exceptions, other adults are capable of taking care of themselves," Subaru reminded her, still smiling.

"I hate you," Hokuto replied, though she couldn't keep a smile off her own face. Subaru wrapped his arm around her and pulled her into a hug.

"It was a really kind thing you did, bringing him here," he reminded her. "Don't forget that, okay?" Hokuto said nothing, just held him close, placing one hand on each of his shoulder blades under the fabric of the costume she'd made for him.

They stayed there, arms around each other in silence, until Subaru had to go back to work.

---

After break, Fuuma had the cast run through the whole play again, but this time he'd stop the action to change and critique. Overall, though, he was very pleased, and he told his cast so. "Three weeks until we open, how do you guys feel?" he asked, at the end of the day. His cast exchanged looks.

"Cautiously optimistic," Kusanagi offered. Everyone laughed, and Fuuma smiled appreciatively.

"From you, I consider that extravagant praise!" More laughter. "All right, you all get the fuck out of here, I'll see you tomorrow." The cast dispersed, and Fuuma felt deeply grateful for their hard work. He picked up his bag and retrieved his cellphone, but, before he could check it for messages, Nataku appeared at the end of his row of seats and called his name. "What's up?" Fuuma asked, making his way over.

"It's after tech, can we talk about previews now?"

"Oh shit you're right," replied Fuuma, caught off guard. "I mean, does it really matter what group of people comes when? What do you think?"

"That's not up to me," Nataku reminded him, patiently.

"I'll stop valuing your opinion then," Fuuma shot back. Nataku rolled his eyes. However, this was one of precious few decisions Fuuma had no problem outsourcing because he truly didn't give a fuck. Whether a group of BTI students, senior company staff or the general public saw the show first was irrelevant: he'd hear everyone's opinion eventually.

"You usually leave it to Seishiro," Nataku reminded him, a delicate inflection at his name. Fuuma ignored him, and checked his phone even though he knew it would give him away. No messages, which he'd expected, but it was so much worse when he needed him for something. He took a second to soothe the pain in his chest and guilt in his stomach before answering.

"Yeah, let me talk to him and see what he thinks and get back to you."

"Don't take too long, the Board will be on my ass and I have enough to do already." Fuuma laughed distractedly.

"Yeah, I'll let you know tomorrow."

"You will," Nataku agreed, then, "your last previews here," he continued, with that same delicate inflection at the word "last." "How are you feeling about that?" Fuuma didn't answer immediately. He stared at Nataku, imagining him as a little boy trying for negative attention because it was better than nothing.

"Don't hold me to that," Fuuma told him, quietly, before leaving the theater. As he made his way through the lobby, he passed the poster of the Macbeth production by that director. He barely even noticed the actor playing the title role, so drawn he was to Setsuka as his queen. He paused there, too, and texted Seishiro. 'If you have any thoughts about who should come to previews and when I'd love to know'

And with that, Fuuma left for the day.

---

Yuzuriha and Arashi left their dressing room together, passing Nataku at the entrance of the theater. He quickly busied himself with whatever papers he was holding at the sight of them. "Do you want to go get dinner in town?" Arashi asked Yuzuriha, quietly, as they entered the lobby, full of warm evening sunlight. Yuzuriha blinked and ran her fingers through her hair. She was exhausted, and though most of her just wanted to go to bed early and hope things would feel less awful in the morning, she also wanted to avoid the dorm.

"Sure," she replied, trying to sound more enthusiastic than she felt. Arashi took as much heart as she could from this.

"We could ask Kamui along too?" she offered, then, jokingly, "If we can tear him away from Subaru?" In spite of herself, Yuzuriha giggled weakly.

"Yeah, that'd be cool." She sighed again. "You sure you don't want time with Sorata?" she asked, under her breath. Arashi flushed, but shook her head so her long hair swayed around her.

"I mean, I do, but," she swallowed, far more aware of Yuzuriha's needs than Sorata's, or even her own, at that moment. "I'd rather spend time with you. If that's all right," she added, her blush deepening. Yuzuriha's heart swelled and seemed to fill her throat.

"Thank you," she replied, her voice constricted, profoundly grateful. "Let me text Kamui, hold on." She dug in her bag for her cellphone as Satsuki emerged from the theater too. She stopped the moment she caught sight of them and her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Although she was positive they didn't know she'd overheard their conversation in the bathroom, it was still a tense moment. "Hey," Yuzuriha said, trying again to sound more cheerful than she felt.

"Hi," Satsuki replied, coldly. Yuzuriha was forcing a smile while Arashi just looked suddenly fearful as though ready for an argument.

"Um, Arashi and I were going to go get dinner in town, did you want to come with us?" Yuzuriha asked rather wildly as she sent a text. Satsuki raised her eyebrows.

"No thank you," she replied, as politely as she could. She was sure she hadn't imagined both of them relax visibly, and it made her stomach lurch.

"Oh, well, I just thought I'd offer," Yuzuriha said, smiling, and Satsuki felt the gesture like a punch in the gut. She forced a smile of her own, said,

"See you tomorrow," and was out the door. Arashi let out the smallest of sympathetic groans as the door swung shut behind her, and Yuzuriha turned to her curiously.

"What?" Arashi asked, rather awkwardly.

"Are you okay?" Arashi nodded and brushed her hair back over her shoulder, staring sadly after Satsuki. Yuzuriha followed her gaze, pretty sure she understood.

---

Satsuki shuddered at the sudden, offensive brightness of the parking lot and scurried around the side of the Igarashi where she'd left her bike chained up, wanting more than anything to be as far away from BTC as possible. As she secured her bag and put on her helmet, a sudden crunch of gravel and honking of a car horn made her jump. She turned, and saw Kanoe waving at her from the driver's seat of her and Yuuto's car. Satsuki's throat tightened and she waved back sarcastically. Kanoe laughed and drove away, and as she did so Satsuki was just able to catch sight of Yuuto in the passenger's seat, looking down, again reminding her of a little boy who'd gotten in trouble.

Satsuki closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, her stomach twisting and lurching worse than ever. She didn't want to see them. She didn't want to think about them or any of it. However, the image of Kanoe waving to her as she drove away wouldn't leave her. 'Yeah, when your husband-' she tried to think, but even contempt couldn't distract her.

Forcing her eyes open, Satsuki mounted her bike, gripping the handlebars tightly to stop her hands from shaking. She streaked out of the parking lot and up the hill, her legs pumping furiously, breathing hard through her nose, the sudden sting of wind in her eyes making them stream.

---

The moment they were home from rehearsal, Yuuto jumped in the shower without a word to Kanoe. He scrubbed himself clean as vigorously as he could, as though he might remove his mistake, disloyalty and boundary violation with just soap and water. He rinsed off with water so hot it left his skin flushed red, and couldn't look himself in the mirror as he got out of the tub.

He then found Kanoe and took her to bed to make love, assuage his guilt and prove his feelings and devotion. Usually sex was more than enough, and with each thrust of his hips he kept expecting it to be, but instead it just made him all the more aware that something had changed. Kanoe, however, didn't seem to notice anything, which made it even worse for Yuuto and kept threatening to deflate his erection. Unlike that afternoon, it took him a long time to climax, but Kanoe seemed to think he was drawing it out for her benefit. She moaned indulgently and kissed him greedily until he finally was able to come, then lay across his chest, running her fingers up and down his breastbone. She was so beautiful, Yuuto thought. Every curve of her body was perfect, her face was exquisite, her long silky hair was gorgeous draped gracefully around her. He was the luckiest man in the world to have her, and yet look what he'd done. A cloud drifted lazily across the sky outside, momentarily dimming the rays of sunlight falling across their bed, and all of a sudden, he felt lonely for the first time in a very long time. "Kanoe?"

"Mm?" She looked up at him, her make up a little smudged, and the ensuing rush of affection cut sharply at his insides. He couldn't tell her, he just couldn't: it seemed that to say something that might even begin to suggest what had happened would dismantle everything they'd built together, plant a doubtful spore that would rot it from the inside out.

"I love you," he told her, and she beamed up at him.

"I know. I love you too." Yuuto swallowed, stroking her hair and hating himself.

"Regardless of what we get up to with other people, you know you're my number one."

"Of course," she replied, as though it were obvious, and her faith and trust simply broke his heart. A geyser of emotion rose up in his throat, burning it and making his vision go blurry with tears. "Yuuto!" Kanoe sat up at once and pulled him into a sitting position. He fell against her, breathing hard and burying his face in her neck. She was so warm and familiar, the smell of her perfume and feel of her against him was so comforting, and yet he knew, on some deep level he almost never gave himself permission to access, that she couldn't give him what he needed in that moment.

'Why isn't it you?!' he thought, desperately, as a tidal wave of loneliness and self-disgust rose and crashed through his body. 'Why isn't it you?!' He cried harder than ever as he saw Satsuki in the parking lot, looking just as lost as he felt. He had to talk to her one more time, but the prospect was more terrifying than he ever could have imagined.

"It's all right," Kanoe breathed, holding him close and rubbing up and down his back. "It's all right, I'm here, I love you…"

---

I was hoping to leave things at least somewhat resolved before taking a break, I'm sorry!

But, you know, everyone has a plan until... Yeah. The Satsuki and Yuuto drama continues! Who are you mad at? I have my opinion based on my own experiences, but honestly? I just feel so bad for Kanoe. Kanoe did NOTHING wrong. Poor Yuzuriha and Hokuto too, those are not fun places to be stuck in. On a lighter note, though, can I just say how much joy it brings me to write about Subaru being like... emotionally stable and well adjusted and differentiated and happy? BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

It's a pretty drastic shift from when I wrote about him in If You Love Me, Answer Me Softly and Nihta, right? It's like his saga has finally ended happily and I'm thrilled! I love you, Subaru, my anime bff, my recovery buddy, my inspiration!

Okay let me chill. I love you all, I'll see you in December!

I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!