After a minute in Carina's arms, Maya pulled back, grabbing her phone and make doctor's appointment for eleven. She then looked at Carina.
"Will you come with me to talk to my team?" the blonde asked as Carina wrapped har arms around her, Maya leaning on her chest.
"Of course, Bella," Carina said, "Whatever you need."
"Thank you," Maya said, just staying in Carina's arms.
She looked through the blinds on her office, seeing Andy walk in. She broke away from carina, pulling the door open.
"Herrera," Maya said, "Can I see you in my office for a minute?"
"Sure," Andy said, walking into the office, "Hey Carina. Is everything ok?"
"Not really," Maya said, shaking her head, "I need to take some PTO for the next couple shifts and I was hoping you could take over? Just for a few days?"
"Of course," Andy said, nodding, "What's going on, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I'm having a hard time," Maya said, "With everything we talked about the other day. It's too much right now so I am going to take some time. I'm not in the right state of mind to captain this team right now."
Andy walked over to Maya, wrapping her arms around her friend.
"I've got this for you Maya, for as long as you need," Andy said.
"Thanks," Maya said, tears running down her face, "I am going to tell the team what's going on this morning."
"All of it?" Andy asked.
"Most of it," Maya said, nodding, "They deserve to know."
"I'm proud of you," Andy said, wiping a tear off her own cheek.
"Thanks," Maya whispered, "Now, go get ready for shift because you are Captain."
Andy nodded, squeezing Maya's shoulder one more time before heading upstairs.
"I'm proud of you too Bella," Carina said, walking over to where Maya was, "I know none of this is easy."
"I'm already exhausted," Maya said, leaning on Carina, "I feel so terrible right now."
"I know," Carina said, rubbing her back, "Let's go talk to your team and then we can go home."
Maya nodded, wiping her eyes one last time before taking Carina's hand, heading upstairs. They stopped outside the beanery door, Maya just standing there for a minute.
"I'm right here," Carina said, putting a hand on Maya's shoulder, trying to calm the shaking that had started in the blonde's body.
Maya took a deep breath before walking into the beanery with Carina.
"Morning Cap," Dean said, "Hey Carina."
"Can everyone sit down, please?" Maya asked, trying to keep her voice steady.
"Something wrong?" Travis asked, already knowing the answer was yes just based on Maya's face.
"I have some things I need to tell you," Maya said, sitting down in a chair, Carina sitting next to her, not letting go of her hand.
"Is everything alright?" Ben asked, voice full of concern.
"Let's let our captain talk," Vic said, nodding at Maya.
The blonde took a deep breath before starting.
"So, as I'm sure some of you have noticed over the past couple of weeks, I've been going through some stuff,"' Maya said, voice even, "I've been seeing Dr. Lewis, and I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It's gotten pretty bad, and I have decided to take some time away from work. I don't really know how much time yet, but at least our next two shifts, possibly longer. Andy has agreed to step up and cover for me for now. I tried to push through, to keep going and make it work, but I just can't right now, and I hope you all understand. I need to take care of myself right now. I'm sorry if any of this makes anyone feel like I have done a disservice to you in any way. I'm sorry I'm failing you as your captain."
Maya tried her best to hold herself together, to not have a complete breakdown in front of her entire team.
"You're not failing us, Maya," Andy said, getting up and going to her best friend, wrapping her arms around her as Maya started to sob.
Carina tried to move back, to give Maya a moment with her team, but the blonde had a death grip on her hand, so she stayed.
Once Maya had stopped crying so much, Ben looked at her, eyes glassy, "Why didn't you tell us sooner? We could have helped."
"Because it's embarrassing," Maya said, looking down, "I am supposed to be your leader, the person you all can come to with issues and trust to keep you safe on calls, and I'm barely even able to function half the time. But I promise I never put any of you in danger. I never went into a scene I wasn't prepared for, but that's why I need time away, because I'm not in a headspace that I trust to keep you safe right now."
"Maya, there is no shame in needing help," Travis said, "We have all been through more than our fair share of traumas. All of us have had points where we've had to lean on others to get through the day. It doesn't make you a worse leader. If anything, it makes me have more respect for and trust in you because you are willing to admit your limits, to put our safety above everything, even your own comfort."
Maya just sat there, tears running down her cheeks as Travis got up, giving her a hug. Just then, the alarm went off, sending the aid crew team, today Jack and Dean, out the door. The rest of the team just sat there with her for a few minutes.
"You all need to get to work," Maya said after a while, starting to feel a little uncomfortable.
Slowly, they started to leave.
"I know we're not close," Ben said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "But if you need anything, you can always call."
"Thank you," Maya said, offering a watery smile as he left.
"Take your time to heal," Travis said, "Don't rush back into this before you're ready, but when you are, we will welcome you back with open arms."
Maya nodded as he went to help Warren with tool maintenance.
"I'll stop by after shift tomorrow," Andy said, giving Maya a hug, "And I'm always here if you need me."
"Thanks," Maya said, wiping at her eyes as Andy headed downstairs to get to work on her captain duties. "
I'm really proud of you," Vic said, smiling at her roommate, "I know that was hard. You should be proud of yourself."
Maya just shrugged.
"Get some rest Maya," Vic sad, "I'll see you after shift."
Maya nodded, wiping her eyes one more time before she and Carina stood up, walking out of the beanery. They stopped by the Captain's office, Maya grabbing her stuff before they headed out. They didn't say much on their ride home, Carina just holding Maya's hand in her own, rubbing comforting circles on the back of it.
Maya was still shaking as they got out of the car, going up to Maya's place. As soon as they were inside, Maya went into her room, changing into pajamas before climbing into bed. Carina came in a minute later with a glass of water, changing her clothes as well before climbing in next to her girlfriend.
"Come here," Carina said, pulling Maya's shaking body close to her, "I am so proud of you for everything you did today. I know none of it was easy, and you did it anyways."
Maya didn't say anything, her entire body beyond exhausted from what she had just done. They just laid in bed, Carina rubbing Maya's back, pressing kisses into her hairline every few minutes.
"What time is it?" Maya croaked out after a while.
"Almost 10:30," Carina said, "We need to get up. Did you want me to come with you to the doctor?"
"Only if you want," Maya said, not moving as Carina sat up.
"I'll come," Carina said, knowing that that answer was Maya saying yes, "Come on."
"I don't feel good," Maya said, rubbing her eyes as she sat up.
"I know," Carina said, "I know all of this feels terrible, but it is going to get better. Now, come on."
Maya nodded, taking Carina's hand and getting up. They both got dressed, Maya pulling her hair up into a messy bun, before they headed out the door.
The doctor's appointment was fairly painless. Dr. Lewis had already called and talked to Maya's physician about what was going on.
Maya was shocked when she stepped on the scale, seeing that she had lost almost twenty pounds since the last time she had been in for her yearly physical just six months earlier. She wasn't going to tell Carina, knowing it would just make her girlfriend worry, but she found out anyways when Maya's doctor brought it up as a concern.
After the appointment was done and Maya had prescriptions for an SSRI, an emergency anti-anxiety medication because there was a good chance her anxiety was going to spike before it got better, and a sedative that would not be addictive, they got in the car.
"The meds will be ready in like twenty minutes," Carina said as they got in the car, "How about we go grab some coffee and something to eat and then we can go get it?"
"I'm not hungry," Maya said.
"I know," Carina said, "But you need to eat. Maya, you cannot keep losing weight."
"I know," Maya said, voice starting to get angry, "I know that I need to eat, and I know that I am underweight, and I know that I'm not alright and I feel like I'm spiraling, and I can't stop, and I'm terrified of my own mind right now and I hate it."
After she finished screaming, she broke down, pulling her knees up to her chest. Carina reached over and tried to put a hand on her girlfriend's back, but the blonde bristled, and Carina pulled her hand back. Maya cried for a long time, eventually coming out of her ball and letting Carina hold her.
"I'm sorry," the fire captain said after a while, tears still flowing down her face.
"I know, Bella," Carina said, brushing a tear off her cheek, "And I know that was not meant for me. You have every right to be overwhelmed and exhausted. I know none of this is easy and today had been long and so hard. I'm right here for you."
"I love you," Maya said, offering a watery half smile.
"I love you too," Carina said, kissing Maya's hand, "Now, we are going to get coffee and food and your meds and then we can go back to your place and do whatever you need to for the rest of the day."
Maya nodded, rubbing at her eyes. Carina drove to a nearby coffee shop, grabbing them both a drink and sandwich. She convinced Maya to eat about half her sandwich, which was nowhere near what the blonde should be eating, but it was more than Carina had seen her eat in a week, so she wasn't going to push it. They stopped by the pharmacy, getting all of Maya's new medications before Carina drove them back to Maya's.
They went inside, Carina going into the kitchen to put away the rest of Maya's lunch and grab both of them some water before going into the bedroom. She found Maya curled up in bed, buried under the covers. Carina pulled off her sweater and pulled on one of Maya's t-shirts before climbing into bed next to her girlfriend. The blonde moved closer to her as soon as she sat down.
"You should take your meds," Carina said, grabbing the bottle of the medication that Maya would be on for a long time, maybe the rest of her life.
Maya took the pill, taking a deep breath before swallowing it.
"I'm proud of you Bella," Carina said, leaning over and giving her a small kiss, "I know that was not easy."
"I just want to feel better," Maya said, snuggling closer to Carina, "I feel so shitty that I will do anything to feel better."
"It will get better," Carina said, "You are taking the right steps to get there. It just takes time."
"Don't you have to work today?" Maya asked as she put her head on Carina's chest.
"I took today off," Carina said.
"Why?" Maya said, "I'm fine. You don't need to take off for me. You should go to work."
"Today was a long and difficult day for you," Carina said, looking at Maya, "You did a lot of things that were incredibly brave, but also very draining. I wanted to make sure I was here for you today. Besides, I worked a lot of overtime a few weeks ago so people owe me."
"Thank you," Maya said so quietly Carina almost couldn't hear her.
Carina just pulled her close, rubbing Maya's back.
"Do you want to do anything?" Carina asked, "Movie, TV, book, music, talk?"
"I don't know," Maya said, shrugging, "Maybe music?"
Carina pulled out her phone, putting on some music. They spent much of the rest of the afternoon in that way, just curled up in Maya's bed. Carina went and ran a bath for them after getting Maya to eat a little bit of soup for dinner. The blonde joined her in the bathroom, sighing as she slipped into the bath with her girlfriend.
"Thank you for everything today," Maya said as Carina wrapped her arms around her in the tub.
"Of course," Carina said, kissing Maya behind the ear, "I am here for you Maya. Even if I have to step back sometimes, I am in your corner, fighting for you even when you can't fight for yourself."
"Thank you," Maya said, turning to look at Carina, tears in her eyes, "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Bella," Carina said, "Always."