Chapter 22

Ziva sat on her couch and stared at her phone. It was Saturday and she had said she would call Tim's parents, but Gibbs hadn't called them back since getting information about grocery stores. Did that mean he hadn't succeeded or that he had? Gibbs was generally reticent to share only partial information. He would call back when he knew more or when he could show he was successful. She thought about calling him but she felt like that would just make Gibbs more likely to ignore her.

Still, they did know where Tim was and that Gibbs was working on tracking down his exact location. That was something and it was good news... even if it was accompanied by the terrible news that Tim was apparently still traumatized by it all.

It was a major step forward. That was what she needed to focus on.

She looked at her phone again.

Two years ago, she would have scoffed at any suggestion that she'd be worried about giving bad news to someone. She would have scoffed at the idea that Ziva David, Mossad officer, would ever been intimidated by something so simple as giving information. She would have been incredulous at the idea that she'd be forming such close connections, that she'd be willing to "settle down" with anyone, let alone someone so... normal as Oliver. Part of her was worrying that something would have to go wrong. How could she have such a wonderful, simple life with her background?

...and yet, she couldn't intentionally give it up. It was too wonderful. If she was going to lose it, it would have to be after fighting tooth and nail to keep it.

...and for now, that included making a difficult phone call.

She took a breath and nodded to herself and dialed the McGees' number.

"Hello, McGee residence."

"Hello, Naomi. It is Ziva."

"You have news?"

"Yes."

"Sam! Sarah! There's something! It's Ziva!"

Ziva took a breath as she heard the other McGees get on the line.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

"Tim is in Maine."

"What? Why there? Have you talked to him?" Naomi asked, breathlessly.

"Please, let me tell you everything before you ask questions. It is not a simple thing."

"All right. I'm sorry. Tell us."

"We found out that Tim had bought a house in Maine, a very small one, but he did it under a different name and we were afraid to tell you right when we found it... just in case it was not really Tim," Ziva said. She took another breath. "Gibbs went there to look and he found the house. Tim was not there, but it was obvious that this was where he was staying. And Gibbs found some things that have made us very worried. Tim has not healed. Not at all, from what Gibbs found."

"What did he find?" Sam asked, quietly. "I know you said not to ask questions, but I can tell you're trying not to tell us. What did he find?"

Ziva grimaced, but she knew that she had to share.

"Tim took his typewriter with him and Gibbs found thousands of pages that Tim had typed. All they had was Abby is dead written over and over. Nothing else."

"Oh. Oh, no," Naomi said. "I had hoped that... that maybe he might have improved some since last year but... Okay. Keep going."

"Gibbs told us that the police found someone who knew Tim, but that Tim had said he didn't want to talk to anyone from his life. However, Gibbs said he would try to find that person and see if he could convince him to tell where Tim is hiding. That is the last I knew. I do not know if Gibbs has found him and is busy or if he has not found him and is waiting to call until he knows more. I have considered calling, but I know that he will tell us when he has the whole story."

"So... what now? Are you telling us to wait here?"

"No," Ziva said. "I truly do not know what the answer is. If Tim does not want to see us, we cannot force him, but I believe it is more likely that he feels he should not... or that he is afraid he will be blamed for Abby's death. But..."

"Tim is stubborn," Naomi said with a sad chuckle. "He may be so determined to avoid us that it won't matter what reality is."

"We can't just stay here twiddling our thumbs," Sarah said, speaking for the first time. "If Tim is in Maine, we need to go to Maine and see him!"

"Sarah, what Tim wants, even if it's not best for him, has to be considered, and if we just go and force ourselves on him, he might completely reject us in the heat of the moment. I don't want that to happen, not even for a moment," Naomi said, firmly. "Ziva, let us know as soon as Agent Gibbs contacts you. When he has a definite location known, we'll head up there, no matter what, but until then, we'll try to be patient and wait."

"'Our patience will achieve more than our force.' Edmund Burke," Sam said. "We want to do what's best for Tim, even if that means waiting a little longer. I want nothing more than to be right there, right now, but I'll wait. ...at least for a few days. Not much more than that."

"I will hope that it is much less," Ziva said.

"Thank you so much," Naomi said. "For everything you've done."

"I want him to come back."

"So do we all."

They said their good-byes and hung up.

Ziva sat back and sighed. She didn't know what the right answer was, but she did know that, when they found out where Tim was, they would need to convince him that they didn't blame him, and the only reason she had not kept protesting Gibbs being the one to go was because she knew he was right. Tim needed to have Gibbs tell him it was okay. Tim would accept from Gibbs as truth what he wouldn't from the others, not because he necessarily thought they were lying but because he assumed that Gibbs wouldn't say it unless he meant it.

Maybe that was true, but Ziva still worried that Gibbs wouldn't try hard enough to reach out to Tim and help him. He had reached out to her, but he had never reached out to Tim, and Ziva knew that she herself could have done better with that, given how much she had enjoyed her friendship with Tim, but Gibbs was very selective about who got his kindness. Abby always did. Ziva knew that she had on occasion. Even Tony had been supported by Gibbs occasionally. But Tim didn't ask for help and, usually, he didn't receive it, either. Tony had tried to help him, but they just thought so differently about things. Abby had tried to hug away Tim's problems, but Ziva hadn't done enough herself.

All this time spent with Oliver and Teresa had really highlighted how much they had all ignored the real problems, not just with Tim, but with all of them. They didn't talk about it, and they should have, Ziva was seeing now.

Tim had paid the price of their lack of communication, but he wouldn't keep paying it.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim was sitting at his chosen window.

"Tim, are you ready to talk to Dr. Lee?"

"Yeah," he said.

He got up and followed the nurse to Dr. Lee's office.

"Okay, Tim, how are you feeling today?"

Tim just shrugged.

"Nope. That's not going to fly this time, whether you're feeling good or not. We're evaluating whether or not it's prudent to release you."

"I'm... okay."

"Still feeling the same?"

"A little better," Tim said reluctantly.

"No overwhelming feelings today?"

"Not yet."

"Good. Now, how do you feel about leaving here?"

"It's fine."

Dr. Lee laughed a little.

"Tim, you need to communicate a little bit more. I'm not asking if you're perfect because we both know that you're not, but in order to know whether or not you're ready to leave, I need to hear from you."

Tim looked around the room a little bit and then back at Dr. Lee.

"I don't know what to say. I feel okay right now. I don't feel great. But I had a nightmare last night. Does that mean I'm not ready? I don't know. I still don't know if I agree with you that I don't deserve to feel guilty. I still don't know how you can justify that when I know that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't published my book. No one would have known about my writing and no one would have..."

"Tim, it's true that your book was likely the trigger for what happened, but that does not make it your fault. You didn't encourage it. You tried to stop it. And feeling that you don't deserve to grieve or feel bad about your friend's death isn't right. You need to grieve and the reason it's been so overwhelming is because of how long you spent trying to suppress it. If you just let yourself grieve naturally, it will be easier. It will be easier for you and it will be easier for everyone around you."

Tim looked down.

"Now, the main thing I'm going to impress on you is that you need to be willing to let out the emotions when they hit you instead of repressing them because you don't think you deserve to feel them. You've been doing a lot better at that the last few days, but that's here where you're more willing to reach out."

"Am I?" Tim asked.

Dr. Lee smiled. "Yes, and the reason for that is because it's our job here, so you're not bothering us. That's what we do. When you leave here, you need to be willing to reach out to people whose job it is not, and you need to do that if the overwhelming feelings come back even though I know you don't want to. And you need to do it when you recognize that you're starting to suppress your emotions. You don't need to suppress them. You need to let them out. If you can consistently work on that, you'll find that the feelings won't be nearly so overwhelming... and you'll be on the path to forgiving yourself. And yes, that is something you deserve."

Tim took a shaky breath and let it out slowly.

"What are you feeling, Tim? Right this moment."

Tim swallowed and didn't say anything.

"Come on, Tim. Say it."

"I..." His throat tightened. "I really... when you say that I deserve it..." He stopped again.

"Yes?"

"I still... I can't quite... believe it... but I really want to," Tim admitted. He didn't actually start crying but he was close. "I want to believe that... that you're right."

"It will come as you keep working on it. You're going to have ups and downs, Tim. That's just the nature of things, but if you keep trying, it will get a lot better for you. I promise."

"So... am I leaving, then?" Tim asked after a moment.

"Yes. Now, I spoke to Dr. Livingston."

"Who?" Tim asked.

"Dr. Harris Livingston."

"Oh. I didn't know his last name," Tim admitted.

Dr. Lee chuckled. "That's all right. Anyway, he said that he'd be willing to keep meeting with you after you get out of here so you don't have to drive back to Augusta every time. That's a long drive, especially by yourself."

"But you think I still need it?"

"One hundred percent," Dr. Lee said, firmly. "This is not a long-term care facility. We get you over the worst of it so that you can keep working on it outside in the real world. You're at that point, but you're still struggling, so yes, you still need it. And Dr. Livingston already knows about it so don't try to get around it."

Tim found that he could smile a little bit at that warning.

"Okay."

"So you should call your friend to come and get you since I know you don't have a car here and driving all the way back would cost a fortune in a taxi."

"Right."

"You've made good progress, Tim. You just need to keep it up."

"Okay."

Tim left the office and got permission to call Mark to come and get him. Then, he packed up his things and waited. Mark came a couple of hours later, apologizing for taking so long.

"Are you ready to go?" he asked.

"Yeah. I guess."

"Good, and let me just forestall any bitterness by telling you up front that I'm not taking you back to your house. You definitely aren't ready for that yet."

"Okay," Tim said, meekly.

Mark raised an eyebrow at him and then gestured for Tim to get into the truck. They set off once more, leaving Augusta and heading for Mark's home.

For a while, it was silent, but it couldn't last.

"Tim, what's up?"

"Are you sure you want me back at your place, Mark?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't."

"But why? You sent me off to that hospital because it was too much."

"I sent you off there because you needed it. And now, you need a place with support, not your little house alone."

"Mark..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm supposed to ask when I need help, when I can't handle it."

"Okay. You can ask me, and if it's really bad, we can ask Harris."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm positive. I wouldn't have guessed that ordering in all that paper for you would lead to this, but I'm glad I can help, Tim. That's something not everyone gets to do in their lives."

"Thanks," Tim whispered.

"It's going to be okay, Tim."

"Maybe."

"Definitely. Just take it a little at a time."

"Okay."

Then, they got closer to Mark's home.

"Hey, Tim. There's one other thing, and I don't want you to get mad at me for it, so I will say that this was not my idea and if you don't want it, I'll be happy to make sure it can't happen."

Tim felt his brow furrowing.

"What are you talking about?"

They pulled into Mark's driveway and Tim saw a man standing there.

Someone he hadn't wanted to see, someone he'd hidden from for nearly a year. He was stunned into muteness.

"Before you ask, no, I didn't go looking for him. He came looking for me... well, he was looking for you, but he needed me for it. I made sure he didn't try to find you when you were in the hospital, but he says he really needs to talk to you."

"About what," Tim whispered, almost inaudibly.

"You know what, and I'm not going to let him run roughshod over you if that's what he wants to do. I'm going to make sure that you don't suffer that way. But he's here and so you need to decide if you want to talk to him or not. It's completely your choice."

"He never takes no for an answer," Tim said, still only able to whisper.

"Well, he will this time because I'll make sure he does. Is your answer no? If it is, I'm out of this truck and making sure he clears out right now."

Tim swallowed... and shook his head.

Then, tentatively, he opened the door and got out. He walked over and stood there silently for a moment.

Silence.

No one spoke.

Tim heard Mark get out of the car, but he didn't look away.

Still silence.

Finally, Tim took a breath and let it out quickly.

"G-Gibbs," he said.