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Chapter 22
Night fell long before Anakin made his way to the Senate Apartment Complex. Lights blinked from distant buildings and illuminated the skyline. The whir of engines quieted but never truly ceased, not there. He'd gotten so accustomed to this routine, arriving late at night and skulking in the shadows, that it almost felt natural to him. Almost.
This time, he arrived with Leia in his arms. He didn't even know how it happened.
Anakin woke after their late arrival on Coruscant. Obi-Wan left to speak with the Council and was gone before Anakin woke. Senator Organa and Queen Organa had planned to take Leia to Padmé and had apparently sent a message to her, but an urgent notice from the Senate distracted them. Breha passed Leia to Anakin with a few words of advice and disappeared with her husband. Anakin, still bleary-eyed and winded from walking through the ship, hadn't had the mental acuity to argue.
So here he was, strolling through the apartment complex with Leia. He held her with her back to his chest, because she seemed to enjoy looking out at the world. Her head whipped one way and then another, eyes wide, and she took it all in. Occasionally, her arms would flail and her legs would kick when she saw something particularly colorful or bright.
R2 trundled along behind them. Someone had fixed his wheel.
Anakin meandered through the hallway of the complex, and his steps slowed the closer he got to Padmé's apartment. He wasn't upset that he had to go there, because he knew he had something to say to her that needed to be said, but terror drenched his heart and made his chest ache at the thought.
A cluster of about a dozen troopers gathered in the hall in front of Padmé's door. She must have loved that. They all stood at attention, blasters raised, when he appeared, but a squeak from Leia put them at ease. They stepped aside for him, but he felt the weight of their stares even through their visors. R2 rolled up behind Anakin and swiveled his optical lens at each individual trooper. He beeped at them. Anakin took a deep breath and pressed the intercom.
"It's Anakin," he said into the intercom. "I have Leia."
A moment of soul-crushing silence followed. The door opened to reveal 3PO and a dim apartment behind him.
"Oh, Master Anakin! How good it is to see you," 3PO said with his usual formality and cheerful vigor. "And Mistress Leia, too—"
"Move, Threepio!" Padmé called from inside the apartment.
Her footsteps pattered the floor somewhere behind 3PO. She shoved past the droid into the doorway. Both her hands slammed against the doorframe. Her eyes went wide when they found Anakin, but it was short-lived—her focus went straight to Leia. Leia lit up with a brilliant smile, and her little hands flew up and her tiny legs started kicking at the sight of her mother. Tears filled Padmé's eyes and she let out a breath and a sob before reaching to take her daughter. Padmé held Leia close, cradled Leia's head at her shoulder, and wept over her child nearly lost.
Because of Anakin.
Padmé wandered into the apartment as she cried and held Leia. Anakin remained in the doorway, knowing he didn't belong but not comfortable with leaving her. He still had something to say, and he needed to say it. But the reunion between mother and daughter—he couldn't interfere with that.
R2 whistled and trundled into the apartment, and he stopped to inspect 3PO. The two started up a dialogue, but Anakin didn't pay attention to them. His mind went blank, the throbbing in his head a little too persistent and the ache in his chest devastating and overwhelming.
Padmé collected herself, though tears continued to fall. She faced Anakin while she bounced Leia in her arms.
"You can come in," she said. He caught the hint of uncertainty. She looked at him the way she had when they'd met again for the first time when Anakin was a Padawan—not sure yet if she should love or reject him.
Anakin couldn't bring himself to move. The more he thought of what he needed to say, the more tears stung behind his eyes and the more his heart hammered inside his chest like a monster ripping its way out. He would never get through it if he didn't say it then and there.
He stepped inside and allowed the door to close only because the troopers outside needn't hear him.
"I'm sorry," he said, and the words barely escaped his lips. When Padmé's brow wrinkled, genuine confusion marring her beautiful face, he elaborated, "For everything, but…" He couldn't breathe, and a dry lump in his throat choked him. "You deserve to know. Padmé, I had to make a choice." His own tears started to fall. "I had to choose between saving Leia and saving Alderaan…. Padmé, I chose Alderaan."
Her face contorted into a frown. She wore an expression of horror, and it reminded Anakin of everything he'd done and would do. He deserved the reaction, he deserved the rejection, but it stung because he would do everything different in this lifetime if he could.
"I didn't have time," he said, tried to explain, not that there was any excuse. "But I chose Alderaan, and Leia is only alive because of some fluke. If not for that, she'd be…"
He would be the reason she died.
"I'm sorry," Anakin said, but the words would never be enough. "I'm so sorry—"
Padmé embraced him with one arm, her hand at the back of his head to draw him near despite Leia muttering between them. Padmé held him tight, and Anakin stood stiff and dumb. His heart roared and made him lightheaded.
"I'm sorry, Ani," Padmé whispered, her voice addled with grief. "I'm so sorry you were in a position where you had to choose. It's not fair. I'm sorry for what Sidious has done to you."
Padmé did not release her grip on him, and Anakin didn't have the heart to fight her. It felt warm and safe with her, something he infinitely craved. It did no good to be there with her, he knew that, but he couldn't be bothered to move. She may have held him longer if not for the squeak that erupted across the room.
They separated to find Luke making an ambitious trek across the floor to reach them. He'd tuck his head down and charge in a hasty crawl, stop to reorient himself, wobbling on still-too-weak arms and legs, and tuck and charge. When he got close enough, he stopped and stared at them, a flash of bemusement across his round face, and he squawked like some sort of animal but full of so much joy and pleasure that both Anakin and Padmé chuckled. Luke's face lit up with an enormous grin quite on par with Leia's toothless smile, and he crawled towards them and squawked with giddy enthusiasm the entire way.
3PO followed Luke, having apparently gone off to tend to him, and R2 rolled up beside Luke. Luke bounced on his hands and knees when he saw the droid and squealed that much louder. Luke definitely had a bit more cheerful enthusiasm than Leia.
"Has she been changed recently?" Padmé asked, bouncing Leia to draw Anakin's attention back to her.
"Not that I'm aware of, no." Anakin shook his head. He hadn't, at least, since leaving the ship.
"I'm going to take care of her. Would you mind…?" Padmé waved her hand at Luke. "He won't be any trouble."
Anakin swallowed hard. He couldn't—he shouldn't. Yet when he really took in Padmé's image, he relented and offered a quick nod. She looked so worn, with pale cheeks and dark rings around her eyes. Her hair, normally perfectly maintained, frizzed in odd directions, as though maybe she'd tried to do something with it but couldn't be bothered. She'd been through a lot, worrying over Leia on top of tending to Luke. He owed it to her and to them to give Padmé some time.
"Thank you," she said. She slipped away, her light gown swishing as she left the room.
Luke watched her go, and Anakin fully expected him to burst into tears as his mother disappeared. Luke looked at Anakin, stared as though contemplating his existence, grinned, and squawked. He ducked his head and charged straight at Anakin.
Anakin melted. For the trillionth time, he resisted tears. He knelt to receive Luke, who came straight to him. Luke tugged at Anakin's pant leg as if trying to pull himself up. Anakin obliged him, took Luke's arms, and carefully lifted him to his feet. Luke snatched Anakin's leg and stood—with Anakin's support—and squealed with delight. The happiest shriek Anakin had ever heard.
Luke tried to turn and walk away, but his legs couldn't yet support his weight, so Anakin had to move with him. Luke toddled all the way to R2 and threw his hands against the droid, unleashing yet another happy screech, and then he turned back to Anakin and threw himself into his arms. Anakin received the full weight of his tiny son in both arms, and he wept. He laughed when Luke opened his mouth and gnawed on Anakin's shirt.
Padmé returned with a bottle in hand and Leia, bundled in a blanket, in her arm. Her hair had been brushed—a little—and she wore a nightgown. Anakin lifted Luke and stood, and Padmé offered the bottle with a sheepish smile.
"I've been meaning to get one for him, but I was so anxious about Leia." Padmé continued to smile, but it looked to Anakin tired and forced, something between grin and grimace. Her entire body dragged.
His mind told him to leave before he could cause her any trouble, but his heart told him to stay and offer his support. If only she could have a little peace of mind. He took the bottle and carried Luke to the sofa. Padmé sat on one end and Anakin sat on the other end, maintaining his distance. She smiled at him anyway as she nuzzled into her seat with Leia swaddled at her chest.
Anakin cradled Luke and offered the bottle. Luke took it and stared at Anakin with big, bright eyes, inspecting him with the same curiosity Leia had. Luke finished only about half the bottle before he drifted to sleep. Remembering Obi-Wan's instruction, Anakin lifted the boy to his shoulder and patted his back to burp him. Anakin glanced at Padmé.
She and Leia had fallen asleep.
"It is very late," 3PO said. "The children should be put to bed. If Mistress Padmé sleeps there, surely she will get a knot in her neck."
"Can you show me?" Anakin asked.
He stood with Luke and followed 3PO into the bedroom. Two bassinets lined one wall, one with a pink blanket embroidered with pudgy, baby Wookiees and another with a blue blanket embroidered with squished astromech droids quite similar in design and color to R2. Anakin couldn't help yet another smile that crawled onto his face. He laid Luke in his bassinet with the droid blanket before returning to collect Leia. He set her in her bassinet, and before he could even try to touch it, her hands snapped to her Wookiee blanket and she nuzzled it to her cheek.
3PO stood watch over him the entire time and made Anakin feel out of sorts, as though he were some kind of threat to them. When he returned to the sofa and to Padmé, 3PO followed along.
"It is so good to see you, Master Anakin. We have been very worried about you. Especially poor Mistress Padmé, even though she tries not to show it. She's putting on such a brave front."
Anakin contemplated Padmé for only a moment. The sofa wouldn't be comfortable, and she was in dire need of rest. She deserved rest. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom. 3PO followed.
"She calls out for you at night sometimes. In her sleep, of course. She's not slept well since you've left, Master Anakin. Are you able to stay, or do duties continue to call you elsewhere?"
Anakin laid Padmé in bed and drew the blankets around her so she could sleep peacefully. He frowned at 3PO's words. The droid seemed to think he still belonged here, despite giving Padmé formal separation documents. Almost as if he had been spoken about by Padmé as being away on duty and not simply… being away. Away because of war, as he'd often been, and not because he was a threat and a danger to his family.
After settling Padmé in bed, he ensured she and the twins slept soundly before exiting the bedroom. He would stay only long enough to ensure Padmé slept, uninterrupted—if the twins needed something, he'd help and let her sleep. He owed her that. He gathered a spare blanket and returned to the sofa.
"I'm only here for tonight, Threepio," Anakin said as he sat and removed his boots.
"Oh," the droid said, genuinely disappointed. "That is unfortunate."
R2 whirled around the sofa and beeped at Anakin with ferocity, and Anakin needed no translation. Even 3PO jumped back with a start.
"Now that was certainly uncalled for," the protocol droid said.
"I can't stay, Artoo." Anakin lay on the sofa and spread the blanket out. He still felt a bit chilled from the fever. He and Padmé used to fight over the temperature in the apartment, and now she had it set to frigid cold. He might need another blanket. "Just for tonight. For Padmé."
R2 let out a sad whine. Anakin patted the droid on the head, rolled over, and curled up to sleep.