The pros of last night and this morning:
1. I finally fixed my hair, and it actually looks good now. Thanks, Marona!
2. I learned that Shuî mumbles in his sleep. It sounds like he mostly talks about cooking. Is that what he dreams about?
3. The showers were very hot this morning, very good.
4. Eric won't be here to watch our fights, so there's a lot less pressure.
The cons:
1. Ash's hair still looks like garbage.
2. Even though Shuî's mumbling is cute, it kept me up all night.
3. I'm like ninety percent sure that Peter was staring at me in the shower. It was only for a few moments, and I don't know for sure if it was him, but it's likely. Maybe it was Drew. Probably wasn't anyone else.
4. I'm up against Molly.
Molly's strong. Like, real strong. The way she was able to punch Christina around yesterday, hurting her to the point where she broke and admitted defeat, terrifies me. I don't have the option of backing down. Even if Eric isn't here to throw me into the Chasm, admitting defeat would lose me more points than letting her beat the shit out of me.
Part of me wants to bail. I can make up those points later. But as I look around, I really can't. Everyone here is stronger than me, and everyone here wants to reach the top.
Except me. I'm fine with staying in the middle.
That will be my downfall. I'll settle for mediocrity and fall far, far below, sinking into the depths of failure.
I can't win this fight. That's a given. But maybe I can still score some points.
Four told me to be smart in my fights. Take advantage of their weaknesses. I'm sure Molly has plenty, but I couldn't bear to watch her last fight. Christina didn't stand a chance. So how will I?
Will fights first, this time against Shuî. I'm going to be fighting both of this at some point. I don't want to hurt either of them, nor do I want to watch them get hurt, but I signed up for this, didn't I?
So I watch. Not for entertainment, but for education. I learn that Will guards his head too much, and neglects his midsection. However, even though in a normal fight, that would matter, it won't in this fight. Shuî is too hesitant, too unwilling. Will wins the fight without too much fuss.
The next fight is Peter versus Edward. Both of them are way stronger than anyone here, and it's hard for me to even tell what they're doing. Punches are flying so fast, being dodged almost as quickly. They almost run out the full ten minutes before Edward lands a solid punch to Peter's jaw, and the only thing I've learned is that they both favor their right hands. Then again, everyone but Ash does, as far as I know.
And then it's my turn.
I get on the mat with Molly and take my stance. She's so strong, taller than me and twice as wide. If she wasn't scowling like she was going to kill me, I'd think she's pretty, with a cute bulbous nose and dark brown hair what goes just above her shoulders.
Now's not the time. Not when she might actually kill me if I fuck up.
She isn't throwing the first punch. Her legs are locked in place, and she takes a defensive stance. I know she's not afraid of me. Is she trying to bait me into attacking? I know that if I go head on, she'll probably catch me and it'll all be over.
But I don't have to attack from the front. If I get to her side, I could maybe strike before she has a chance to fully turn. Or, if I catch her mid kick, I could sweep out her legs from underneath her. That one is a lot riskier, considering how sturdily she's built. I'd be much likelier to just hurt my own legs.
I can be fast. Or, at least, I could when I was a child. While Ash hasn't always been unusually tall (that development started around when we were thirteen), he's always been light on his feet. Chasing him in games of Tag was always a struggle, but eventually I managed to catch up to him.
Now I just have to do that in a fight. Easy. It's not like I haven't played tag in 6 years, right?
I'm fucked.
No. If I think like that, I'll lose.
Luckily, I can gallop sideways faster than she can turn. I manage to get a couple jabs at her midsection before she can catch me, leaping back to avoid her shots. This strategy is exhausting, but at my strength, hit and run tactics are all I have.
I manage to get a few more jabs in before I can move onto the next part of my strategy. She's guarding her midsection, because that's all I've hit. She won't be expecting me to go for her throat.
She doesn't. I manage to hit her by surprise. Fuck, I really wasn't expecting that to work. Unfortunately, she grabs my arm and punches me straight in the cheek. I can't wrestle free, so I try to go to the side. If I get her to turn, maybe I can try and get her legs out from under her.
I try to kick out her legs, but she just yanks me forward and slams me into the mat. I gasp for breath, but it just won't come. I try to push myself up, but my legs go out.
How am I down in only two hits?
"Molly wins the fight. Go to the infirmary." I get that Four has to be impartial, but damn, does he emote, like, ever?
Molly doesn't help me up. Of course she doesn't. I drag myself off the mat and finally take a deep breath. Al lends me a hand, and I gladly take it. "Thanks, man." I smile. "I think I can get it from here."
"Yeah, no problem." Even if I needed him to help me, he couldn't, because he's fighting Ash right after me. Christina and Myra are next, and Tris and Drew are last. I don't really want to watch any of them fight, but I should get back as quickly as possible.
As I walk, it dawns on me that at some point, I'll have to fight Ash. There's enough days in this month that we'll be fighting everyone twice, roughly.
He'll fight fair, that's for sure. I can't imagine he'd sabotage me for his own gain, but I can't see a universe where he'd throw the fight and let me win. He'll fight me like I'm anyone else. I have to study his weaknesses.
0-0-0-0-0
After everyone's done with fighting and back from the infirmary, Four demonstrates more fighting techniques. I wish we were one of the groups that got to learn first and then fight. I know some groups fight as the very last thing they do.
My muscles are sore by the time we go to lunch. Fin is sitting at a table full of Dauntless, so we sit with Will and his friends. We don't really talk about much, mostly listening to Christina and Al reminisce about home.
My body's sluggish by the time we have to get up. I want to go and curl up in bed, let my body heal, but we don't have time.
I still don't know how they expect us to get amazingly fit in a month.
We practice with our guns for a while, and Four finally teaches us how to clean them. You'd think that would come first, but I doubt Four understands much about teaching. You'd think they'd have a curriculum to follow, but as a whole, Dauntless doesn't seem as rigidly structured as Erudite. I don't know if I love it or hate it.
After we break away to do our own things, I approach Four. This time, Ash is sparring against Peter, and Edward is helping Myra practice at a punching bag.
"Am I correct in saying that you're stalling on having to do any exercise by asking about your progress?" Four says, not even looking down at me
I frown. "Am I really that easy to figure out?"
"Well, how do you think you did?"
"Uh, not well. If I get hit, it's all over, so I need to be able to dodge better. My hit and run tactics could be effective, but I need to build up my stamina to be able to keep it up. If I face off against another agile opponent," Like Ash, but I don't want to admit that out loud. "I'm going to be screwed, and I can't afford to go on the defensive."
"It seems that you have a good handle on your weaknesses." Four nods. "Though, you are remarkably fast. Being able to propel yourself sideways with your legs can help you."
"You really think so? It's been a while since I've had to be fast. The last time I really remember running around was when Will wanted to catch a pigeon when we were ten."
"Catch a pigeon?"
I grin. "Yeah. He thought it he grabbed one, his parents would have to let him keep it, so Ash, Sebby, and I helped pitch in. We all played border guard, trying to keep the pigeons in line while Will tried to grab one. Of course, they can fly, so that didn't work, so it ended with us all dashing around like madmen and diving at pigeons until Will caught one." A grin creeps up my face. "His sister Cara screamed when he shoved the bird in her face. Of course, his parents said no, because Erudite doesn't allow pets, and even then, a pigeon would make an awful pet, but it was fun while it lasted."
Four's faintly smiling. Holy shit, that's the equivalent of Will's boisterous laughter. I got him to emote! Today's a success, no matter what else happens.
"If I had to recommend anything, it would be how to escape grabs and holds. I plan on teaching that on a couple days, but if you want help before, you may want to speak to one of the other more experienced students."
My mind flits to Ash or Edward, but neither of those are amazing choices. Edward is still a sore topic for Will, and I feel like Ash would just get annoyed if I had to ask for help. He's not a great teacher.
Who else could I ask. Peter? I get the feeling he'd feed me false information. No one else in here is any more experienced than I am.
Fin. He's the answer here. I can ask him for help, and I'm sure he would.
"Thanks, Four." And then I go to catch up with my friends. They're jogging laps again. Of course.
"How aren't you terrified he's going to snap your neck?" Christina asks, eyes wide.
I shrug. "I mean, I'm just asking him questions about my progress. He's not that scary, just boring."
"I can't believe you got him to smile." Will shakes his head. "How'd you do that?"
"I told him about that time we all caught a pigeon."
"You guys what?" Tris asks, an incredulous expression slapped on her face.
Will's the one who tells the story this time, and he's much better at it. He embellishes it a bit more, adding in a detail about Ash falling face first into the dirt that I don't remember. He also adds a detail that I forgot. A bird crapped on Sebby's hair, and he cried. To be honest, I'd cry too if a bird ruined my hair. Does that make me a priss? Probably.
By the time he's done, we're all breathless. Laughing while running is a terrible idea, and by the time we're done, I just want to die.
0-0-0-0-0
Shuî doesn't come with us for dinner. Something about how cleaning relaxes him or something? I don't really get it, since cleaning's something I hate, but to each their own. The rest of us head down to the Canteen.
Fin's sitting with some of his Dauntless friends. Fuck. I was hoping he'd sit with us so I could ask him to train me. I guess I could still go up and ask, but I don't want to interrupt them. I'm sure they're perfectly nice people and all, but large groups of strangers make me anxious. Besides, they're all more… I don't know, experienced here. They'll know immediately that I don't quite fit in. Even if they don't laugh at me outright, they'll all know.
Heh. I'm scared of not being a real Dauntless. Ironic, I guess.
It's not like this fear is new. Back in Lower Levels, when we first met Sebastian, I was terrified of him. He was the smartest kid in our class, and everyone loved him. Ash had no problems befriending him, as he always tends to befriend the most competent people around him, and I was dragged along because I was too scared to make friends on my own. I thought Sebby was the coolest person ever. Spoilers, we were like eight years old, so none of us were cool, but the point still stands.
This is dumb. I shouldn't be scared of my friends. I force myself to get up. "I'll be right back."
I make my way over to his table. Halfway through, my body tries to pull back, but I push through. Fin wouldn't be friends with bad people, right? They'll all be nice. I'll be fine. Besides, I just have a quick question to ask.
Fin seems to notice me before I say anything, really before I'm closer than ten feet away. He smiles and waves me over. How did he notice? The sound of my footsteps. Sure, I can do that with my friends and parents (specifically by the sound of their keys), but I doubt I could hear that sort of thing in a crowded cafeteria, and he probably wouldn't have my footsteps memorized in less than three days. My smell? I just use the standard shampoo and stuff that Dauntless provides. Side note, I need to ask Al where he bought that lemongrass soap he uses.
I guess it doesn't really matter. He's noticed me, and I can't go back now.
"Hey, did you finally come to sit with us?" Fin asks. I still wonder why one of his teeth is missing.
"Oh, uh, I just had to ask you something. I already told the rest of the group I'd be right back." Wait, did he invite me over and I forgot? Oh fuck.
Fin's smile falters a little bit. "Oh. Well, you're welcome any time. I promise we don't bite unless you want us to." He gives a sharp look to a girl with shaved hair, and she rolls her eyes.
"I, well, I didn't want to intrude or anything." I rub the back of my neck as my face heats up.
"Fin, you never invited him over?" The blonde girl -oh shit, that's Marlene from the thrift store- lightly smacks him in the chest with the back of her hand. "Don't worry, you guys are always welcome. We'll make room."
"Oh, uh, thanks Marlene."
"You had a question for Fin?" The shaved haired girl scowls at me, obviously wanting me gone as quickly as possible. She acted this way in the thrift shop too, so I know she's exaggerating a bit, but I still don't want to overstay my welcome.
"Oh, uh, right. Could you help me train tonight? I need some extra practice."
Fin's grin is back. "Yeah, of course. Meet me at the Chasm after dinner."
"Okay, cool, thanks. I'll, uh, let you guys get back to it."
"Come back any time!" Marlene grins.
"Yeah, any friend of Fin's a friend of ours." Uriah, who I briefly met on the train, says.
"Thanks." I turn around and head back to my table. Man, that was awkward, but it was entirely my fault. I have no reason to be scared of them, they're all perfectly nice. I have nothing to worry about.
0-0-0-0-0
Shuî never shows up for dinner. Does cleaning up the training room really take that long? I know they serve dinner until fairly late, but I don't think the burgers will hold up very well.
I leave a little earlier than the rest of the group. When I get out, the Pit is swarming, as always. I normally hug the edge to get to the Chasm, but when I look out into the crowd, I see some dumbass in a turtleneck standing directly in the middle of the Pit and staring straight up.
Oh fuck, it's Shuî.
I run up to him, lightly touching his arm to get his attention. "Hey, man, where were you?"
"Look up, Crimson." He idly points up, not even looking down at me.
I look up, and I'm greeted by the most beautiful sight. It's raining outside, and through the web of paths spiralling above us, the sight of the rain sliding down the glass is just gorgeous. The occasional ray of sunlight cuts through, lighting up the tower for a moment before disappearing again.
"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." He finally looks down at me, and a soft smile appears on his face.
"Yeah, the world's really nice sometimes." My mind flies back to Amity feels, and I feel homesick for a life I never had.
We stand there for a moment, watching the rain, before I feel a hand clap on my shoulder. "Yo, Crimson, did you forget we were going to train?"
Fuck. I did forget for a moment. "I just ran into Shuî, sorry."
"It's all good. Hey, Shuî, want to train with us?"
Shuî glances up at him. "Oh, uh, sure, but take a look at how pretty it looks right now."
Fin looks up to the sky for a minute. "I mean, yeah, I guess so. It just looks rainy to me."
Shuî frowns a bit, then shakes his head. "I guess if you've lived with sights like this your whole life, it doesn't really matter."
Fin shrugs. "Come on, we don't have all night." He starts walking towards the training room, and we follow. Keeping his pace means walking two steps for each of his, and I almost laugh at how ridiculous we must look beside each other. Shuî at least balances us out.
As we walk across the Chasm, Shuî stops for a moment. I'm sure he's admiring the beauty, but all I can see is Christina dangling off the edge. Right, he didn't see that, he just heard about it. I'm glad the view isn't ruined for him.
We walk down the hall to the training rooms, and we pass our own. I wonder if Four's still in there. I don't look, I don't have the time.
As we approach a room, Lauren walks out. "What are you doing here this late?" She eyes up me and Shuî, then gives Fin an expectant look.
"Just training my friends. It's not against the rules, right?" Fin rests his hand on the back of his head, stretching.
"No, but is it really a good idea for a hotshot who can't even follow directions to be training a couple new kids?" Lauren raises an eyebrow.
"Dude, y'all literally have us fight until we knock each other out. I know you guys say not to, but none of us are pussy enough to back down." Fin smirks. "And I only don't pay attention in practice because I'm miles above what you're teaching."
Lauren rolls her eyes. "Alright, alright, as long as it's just training you're doing. If I come back and you guys are doing anything else, I'm revoking permission."
Fin raises his eyebrows. "Are you implying that I'm gonna fuck these cuties in there?" Shuî's face goes beet red, and honestly, mine does too. "Cause, I know that's in character, but come on, the training room? There's a thousand more places we could do it. Ever fucked on the roof? It's fuckin' great, feeling the air on your back as you-"
"Infinity Perkins, if you weren't such a promising fighter, I would have kicked you out of Dauntless the moment you entered my training room." She sighs. "You can use the room, just clean up after yourselves, okay?"
"Will do." Fin grins as Lauren leaves. After a moment, he turns back to us. "You see, the takeaway here is that it doesn't matter if you have massive personality flaws, as long as you're attractive and talented, everyone will like you."
"That's not the takeaway at all, Fin!" Lauren yells back as we enter the training room.
I'm not sure what I was expecting, but their training room is almost identical to ours. The only difference is that the targets for gun practice are spread around the room, some even in the ceiling. Fin did mention that their target practice was more involved, since many of them have trained with guns before, even if for only a day or two for fun. Their expectations must be higher for them, because otherwise the Dauntless borns would just steamroll us.
"Hey, Shuî, would you mind grabbing some boxing wraps from the closet? They should be in a marked box."
"Yeah, no problem." Shuî goes into the closet.
Fin turns to me as he… locks the training room door? "You trust me, right?"
"I mean, of course. You're my friend."
All I see is a devilish smirk on his face before he rushes at me. His hand clamps down on my mouth, and in an instant, his other arm is around my neck. "Wrong answer."
Wait. What? My hands claw up at his, but to no avail. What? Why is he-?
"You just waltzed right into a secluded room with some boy you just met. It'll be what, twelve hours before someone comes in here again? Do you understand how much I could do to you in twelve hours?" He chuckles to himself a little. "Oh, and don't expect that pansy ass Stiff to be able to help you out. One more kick in the ribs and he's fucking done for."
Chills shoot up my spine. I can still breathe, thank God, but I can't really move. I try to pry his fingers from my face, to get my voice out, but it's ineffective.
"The first lesson you'll learn in Dauntless is to never trust anyone you can't beat in a fight. Trust is a luxury that only the strong can afford."
Tears well up in my eyes. I thought he was my friend, why is he doing this?
I blink. He's not doing anything though. Sure, he has me in a lock, but he's not attempting to hurt me in any way. In fact, his grip softens a bit.
This is a test. But how do I get out of this?
"Don't focus on the parts of you that you can't move. Instead focus on what you can move." He says, voice calmer than I've ever heard it.
My arms are free, but what I'm trying to do with them isn't working. After a second of thinking, I elbow him in the ribs as hard as I can. He just laughs a little, so I must not have hurt him. Shit.
"Here, use your feet and stomp on mine. It works extra well if you're wearing high heels. One time, I was wearing these five-inch stiletto heels, and some pink tried to give me shit about it, so I stomped on his foot. Man, there was so much blood, and I-"
Three things occur to me.
One, Fin's worn high heels that put him at two feet taller than me.
Two, Fin's stomped on someone with said heels and potentially permanently injured them.
Three, Fin just got punched in the face.
"Crimson, are you okay?" Shuî grabs me and pulls me away, panic in his eyes. "I was just gone for a second, and when I came out, he was attacking you, and-"
"Shuî. Calm down man. He was pretending." I have to tell that to myself too. I know logically that he wasn't going to hurt me, but damn.
"Hey, yo, you know how I said that pansy ass Stiff couldn't help you?" I turn to Fin, and he's setting his jaw back in place. "Holy shit, Shuî, I know Ash said you were strong, but what the actual fuck, man?"
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I misread the situation, and-"
"If it were up to me, I'd make you Dauntless right now." Fin grins wide, his sharp incisors catching the light. "Springing into action to save a friend is the bravest thing you can do, especially when you probably can't win the fight."
Shuî lets go of me. "Oh, uh, it's nothing."
"Hey, thanks for looking out for me." I smile a bit. Fin's right, jumping into action like that is incredibly brave.
A deep part of my heart sinks. If it had been Shuî in danger, would I have the courage to save him? I didn't have the courage to stand up for Christina, when Al, who's regarded as cowardly because he doesn't want to hurt his friends, could.
These fights aren't about bravery. They're about obedience.
The rest of training goes well. After we've calmed down, Fin teaches us how to wrap our hands properly (which is something Four should be teaching us, but whatever) and teaches us how to get out of various holds. His advice from earlier rings true. Forget about what you can't move, focus on what you can.
Fin is so far beyond just talented. I've never really gotten to see a Dauntless fight, and I suppose he wasn't fighting at even close to full force, but when Shuî and I took a quick break, he decided to demonstrate on a punching bag. He almost knocked it clean off the chain with just one roundhouse kick.
Compared to that, his hold on me was like an empty backpack. Even if I believe he won't intentionally hurt me -which I do, despite his lesson, which may be a bad call- even a slight bit of extra force could break me.
Maybe that's what he was talking about when he told me not to trust anyone I couldn't beat in a fight.
After we're done, Fin and I lay back on the cool mat. I'm gasping for breath, and sweat drips out of every pore. I'm overworking myself, but to stand any chance, I have to work even harder.
Shuî's mopping, because of course he is. I watch him for a moment, getting lost in his rhythmic movements. It's quiet and serene, and a part of me wonders if that's why people transfer to Abnegation. Even though it's a life hollow of emotion or entertainment, for some, serenity and security are all they desire.
Then again, if they wanted a happy, content life, they could just join Amity.
Everytime I think of Amity, I get strangely homesick for a life I never had.
"Hey, Crimson?" I glance over at Fin, and he's turned on his side to face me.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Earlier, when I grabbed you, I uh, I just needed to tell you that I didn't like scaring you like that." He thinks for a moment, trying to gather the words. "I know a lot of the things I say make it seem like I like hurting people, and yeah, if they're assholes I like giving them some karma or whatever, but I don't enjoy hurting my friends. I, uh, I don't want you getting the wrong idea or anything." His face is flushed. Is he actually embarrassed? I didn't think that was possible.
"Aren't you the one who told me not to trust anyone?" I'm joking when I say that, but he looks down to the ground.
"Yeah, I am."
I turn over and reach my hand out to his. "Don't worry, Fin, I trust you."
"But you shouldn't!" He runs his hands through his hair. "God, how can you be this naive?"
"There's a reason I left Erudite." I'm half joking, but honestly, it's kind of true. Intuition, while useful in some cases, was to take a backseat to logic and facts. I suppose that's useful, but it's not how I want to live. Sure, I have a logical reason not to trust Fin, but it's not anything about his character. The fact that he's stronger than me doesn't affect my judgement of what kind of person he is.
Maybe the fact that he's admitted his violent tendencies multiple times should disturb me. And it does, a little, but not as much as it should. Maybe that says more about me than it does him. But he's shown me nothing but kindness, even if it's wrapped in crass remarks and toothy grins.
Maybe this is why I belong in Dauntless. It's not just about test results, it's about those you love and enjoy.
"Fin, I trust you." I squeeze his hand.
"Not many people do." He shrugs. "It's nothing personal." He takes it personally.
"But I do. Don't tell me I shouldn't, because I've got intuition on my side." I grin.
He smiles softly at me, no teeth, just his black stained lips. "Is that so?"
The two of us lay like that for a while, listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner and the gentle rhythm of the mop.
0-0-0-0-0
A/N: hiya. I'm finishing this on 11/05/2020, at 1:30 CST. Nevada was supposed to announce their results two and a half hours ago. They haven't. I'm going to fucking die. Help.
As of 3:00 CST it's been delayed until tomorrow. At least I'll stop checking every second.