10.

The first thing she'd seen when she had woken up earlier, was him.

She didn't know right away where they were, but for the first few minutes it didn't matter. Elliot was here and he was sleeping, and that meant that they were safe. He wouldn't be sleeping if they weren't. His hand was still wrapped lightly around hers even in his sleep, and after a few minutes she began to remember. They were at a hotel because her apartment was still being processed. Elliot had come back after giving his statement to IAB and had insisted on staying with her through the night.

Olivia appreciated it more than she was willing to admit. She knew that the only reason she had woken up so calmly just now, was the fact that his sleeping face had been the first thing she'd seen. Now that she was waking up more fully the memories were coming back, but for a few minutes, all had been well.
The thought of needing someone like that - of needing Elliot like that - scared her. She had never needed anyone; or so she'd thought. But she hadn't always been alone by choice. She had been alone simply because there hadn't been anyone for her. And so she'd gotten used to it. She had accepted that it was how it was supposed to be. She was on her own.

I've been alone my whole life.

The dream about her younger self being attacked by Lewis had shaken her to the core. He couldn't have her! She had cried out that she wanted to live and the words had taken on a whole new meaning. She didn't just want to stay alive. She wanted to thrive. To really live at last. Never before had she allowed herself that wish, always thinking she had to atone for her existence. By some miracle, Elliot seemed to have understood her desperate cry.

You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?

He was right. In the end, it wasn't. No matter how gratifying it was to get justice for other people, to help them find closure and to get them on a road to recovery; no matter how well a life of service fit her; no matter how useful it made her feel; in the end, she wasn't really living her own life. And now, for the first time in her life, she wanted to.

And then her partner - her best friend - had dropped a bomb on her that she'd barely heard detonate because she had been so exhausted. But the words came drifting back to her now. They had made her feel safe in a way she couldn't describe. They had finally allowed her to sleep.

I love you, Liv.

If she didn't know him so well, the words would almost have sounded casual. But neither of them would ever say such a thing without meaning it deeply. He had immediately told her he didn't expect her to do anything with it and she hadn't. She had just basked in the security his words had given her, making her feel safe and allowing her to sleep peacefully for a few hours.

But she was awake now, and her brain was kicking into gear. Surely, he had just meant that he cared for her as a friend. That had to be it. Then again, he'd also said that he was going to put her first from now on.

It's about time someone put you first, Olivia.

Maybe he was right, but it shouldn't be him. He had a family that needed to come first, always. And if Elliot wasn't the one to put her first, she would have to be that person herself.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself.

She had always felt like it was. She didn't really matter. She was just here by accident. Unplanned. Unwanted. It wasn't about her. It was about everyone but her. But once she saw Lewis approach and expose her younger self - not just in her nightmare but during the hours she had been forced to spend with him, something had awoken inside her. She had wanted to save that little girl. She had wanted to save herself from the pain and injustice that had been piled on her, even at such a young age and in all the years after.

I wanna live.

Something had broken deep inside her but she hadn't disintegrated. Instead, something was oozing out of her steadily now, not allowing the cracks to close again. She was finding a will to live that went beyond a need to stay alive. Until now she had always wanted, even needed to stay alive for others. For her partner. For her mother even. And for the victims. She would lay down her life to save a child. She almost had, a few years ago, when she had gotten too close to Gitano, and she knew she would do it again. She had never considered her own life. Until now.

There had to be more to life, even for her, a product of a rape.

Her eyes scanned her partner's relaxed face again. He loved her. She couldn't really fathom it yet. Not the fact that he'd said it out loud, and not the fact that he loved her at all. And yet, part of her had known all along because she fought for him the way he fought for her for the very same reason. She just had a hard time believing anyone could care that much for her. That he could care as much for her as she cared for him.
But here he was. He was here with her because being anywhere else wasn't an option, as he'd put it. He was putting her first and she felt goosebumps form on her arms and her back at that thought. Finally, someone was putting her first and a fresh lump formed in her throat. She remembered how Elliot had told her he would have beaten anyone up who bothered her back in school. He would have stood up for her. He would have seen her. She would have mattered.

It was all she had ever wanted.

...

Elliot found himself in that blissful state between sleeping and waking up, registering nothing but his own breathing yet, until he felt movement against his hand. He closed his hand instinctively, wanting to hold on to whatever he had been holding. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Olivia's big brown eyes staring back at him. Her eyes were wet and he was instantly fully awake.

"Hey. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice still raspy from sleep.

Olivia swallowed visibly and then took a shaky breath before answering him on a whisper.

"Yeah."

He looked at their hands, still joined between their pillows and Olivia retracted her hand shyly.

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered again, her voice gaining a little in strength already.

She seemed okay, albeit a little emotional. He guessed she hadn't had another nightmare, or he would have woken up during the night.

"What time is it?" he asked her.

"I have no idea."

She turned her head towards the closed drapes of her hotel room. It looked like it was getting light outside so it had to be early in the morning. Elliot turned on his back. His entire body felt stiff from sleeping in the same position for hours and he stretched his arms above his head. Olivia did the same next to him, only slightly more carefully.

"How are the burns?" he inquired.

"These still burn a little," she admitted, gesturing at her chest. "And this one …"

She put a hand over her bandaged stomach and took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. He could tell that the bigger burn was still very painful. Olivia had been relieved to learn that it was 'just' a second degree burn, just like a couple of the cigarette burns on her breasts, but it had still caused deeper tissue damage than the others and would take a lot longer to heal. Elliot was glad he'd gotten there when he had, before the freak could cause more damage to Olivia with the glowing coat hanger.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Elliot said. "Is it time yet for your pain meds?"

"I don't know. Probably."

Elliot picked his phone up from the nightstand on 'his' side of the bed. He activated it to check the time and saw that it was almost 6 am. He told her what time it was and Olivia pushed herself up into a sitting position reluctantly. She winced and he wished he could do something for her. But he knew she would want to do this herself. Once she was sitting on the edge of the bed, her feet on the ground, she turned to look at him. She surprised him when she said,

"Thanks for staying, El."

She then stood up and padded to the bathroom to take her medication. Elliot sat up as well and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. After half a minute, Olivia appeared in the doorway of the bathroom and announced that she was going to take a shower. She walked to the closet and grabbed some clean clothes before retreating back into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

Elliot was relieved that Olivia had gotten some sleep and seemed to be doing alright for now. She had a tough day ahead of her, having to come in to give her statement. It was a little too early to make a breakfast run or order room service, and he inspected the room, looking for something to eat. Last night's crisps wouldn't do and he put away the opened bag for later. He'd also brought some salted crackers the night before and decided to eat a few and wash them away with some bottled water. A real breakfast would have to wait.

When Olivia came out of the bathroom, she had changed into black leggings and a loose-fitting grey long-sleeved shirt. Elliot suspected she was wearing at least another layer of clothing underneath the shirt, but still, she was wearing considerably less layers than before and he took it as a very good sign. He asked how things had gone with her bandage and she told him she had no trouble changing it herself.

"After I got it wet, it came off," she told him.

He made a face and Olivia attempted a smile, but he knew it must have been very painful to peel the bandage off the burn on her stomach. But Olivia was a trooper as always.
He took her place in the bathroom. He hadn't brought a change of clothes but took a quick shower anyway. When he returned to the room he was happy to see Olivia chewing on a couple of the crackers he'd left laying out on the bed, while finishing off the water bottle he had opened earlier.

"You wanna grab a proper breakfast later?" he asked her but Olivia said she wasn't sure she could eat anything else.

"Let's get the statement over with first."

"Okay. Maybe we can get something later then."

Olivia nodded and it would have to do for now.

…

She had given her statement to a Detective from another precinct. Cragen didn't want his own team to have to take her statement and Olivia appreciated it. Still, everyone had already been at work very early, just to see her. It made her feel a little self-conscious. She still felt like she had failed as a cop because she had frozen and hadn't even tried to reach for her gun. And she looked like hell, with stitches on her forehead and several bruises on her face; not exactly a pillar of strenght.

She had kept her report purely factual, making no mention of the mind games Lewis had played with her. He'd milked her initial shock to no end, mocking her abilities as a police officer and stressing how she was hiding all her weaknesses behind her badge and gun, and stressing how she was completely helpless without them. But none of that was going into her file. Just what he'd done to her, as supported by the physical evidence gathered in her apartment and on her body. Everything else was none of anyone's business.

Elliot had been hovering outside the Captain's office the whole time, like she had expected. He had only gone up to his locker to get a change of clothes but he'd been back within minutes. Olivia knew Elliot was off duty until IAB finished their report on the shooting and she wondered briefly what he was planning to do with his time off. Once the Detective left who had taken her statement, Elliot walked into Cragen's office, and their Captain answered her question before she could even ask it.

"Elliot, while you're off duty, you make sure Olivia is comfortable at the hotel, alright? Whatever she needs."

"Yes sir. Goes without saying."

Elliot extended his arm invitingly, motioning to guide Olivia out of the Captain's office. Part of her wanted to rebel because the men were making decisions about her without consulting her, but a bigger part of her just wanted to let it all happen and allow Elliot to be there for her like he had been there for her all night.

She mattered.

She mattered to her squad, she knew that. She nodded at Fin and Munch, her long-time coworkers and friends who would do anything for her. And she knew the newbies, Rollins and Amaro, would have her back too. But most of all, she mattered to Elliot, more than she had dared to think or expect, and she was finally allowing that reality to sink in.

Early on in their partnership, Olivia had learned to trust Elliot. And he had trusted her. They were professionals and partners who were supposed to trust each other and have each others' backs. That's what she had told herself for years.
But a couple of dangerous situations had brought other feelings to the surface, to the point of spilling out, most notably the Gitano case. They had lashed out at each other because that was what they did when emotions ran high; but they had also confessed hidden truths. They hadn't said the actual words. Not like Elliot had during the night, when he had told her out loud that he loved her. But the messages had come across loud and clear. They mattered more to each other than they should.

Olivia had felt like Elliot had rejected those feelings at the time, not wanting to acknowledge them because they were inappropriate. In the process he had rejected her and her feelings for him and she had run away for a while to come to terms with yet another rejection. She had sucked it up, as she always did, and then she had gone back.

after her return, they had repaired the damage together.

I'd give you a kidney.

Not if I gave you mine first.

The mutual trust had been restored and their partnership had survived the separation. Just like his marriage. Again. A fifth child had sealed the deal and once again, Olivia had locked away everything she wasn't supposed to feel for or dare to expect from her partner. That kind of a life wasn't in the stars for her anyway. She was supposed to do it all on her own.

But on the job, she wasn't alone. Her job had given her what life had refused to give her. An identity. A family. And a partner she could trust.
Lewis had seen that and he had gleefully stripped it all away in a matter of hours, exposing the oldest, deepest scars on her soul until she couldn't push all the pain back down anymore. She had never cried as hard as she had last night, and she had never cried for herself like that, ever. And yet, after a grueling evening with a sadistic, murdering rapist who had gotten inside her head in a way nobody else ever had, she was emerging from her ordeal with a new desire to not only live but to thrive. It was a feeling she had never had before. Seeing her younger self fall victim to her tormentor had changed something deep inside her. She had been innocent. It was like Elliot had said, over and over again.

It's not your fault.

She had been innocent. She had not deserved the abuse and the rejection she had grown up with because her own mother couldn't deal with what had been done to her. She had not chosen to be born and now that she was here, she had a right to take up space. She wasn't just collateral damage. She had a right to be here and she was allowed to want to thrive.

"You wanna go grab a bite to eat now?" Elliot asked her as they exited the building.

His hand was lingering on the small of her back and it reminded her of the beginning of their partnership, when such touches were still innocent. They had stopped touching each other casually over the years but something was different now. They were both different. She looked up at him and nodded.

"Okay. But I don't want to be out in public looking like this."

She pulled her jacket tighter around herself and Elliot gave her a small smile. His eyes lingered on the gash on her forehead and for a second, Olivia thought he was going to touch her face. But he didn't and then he told her,

"It's fine. You wanna pick something up on the way back, or order room service at the hotel?"

She shrugged.

"Either is fine with me."

She suddenly felt very tired again and wasn't up to making a decision. Elliot seemed to sense that and decided for her.

"Let's get you back inside. The department is paying for room service anyway. It's the least they can do after what you've been through."

Olivia nodded and when Elliot opened the passenger door of the Sedan for her, she got in. When Elliot joined her in the car, she glanced at him before saying,

"And once we get back to the room, you can tell me what's going on with you and Kathy."

…

…

A/N: In case you're wondering, even with all the new insights Olivia is gaining, she still has a trauma to overcome. However, it will not consume her every minute of every day. As many of you will undoubtedly know, trauma comes in waves and in between those waves, she is able to focus on other things and other people, and on things she needs to know. I'd say this qualifies as something she needs to know, especially now. To be continued ...