Chapter 22 You're Not Here
"Blue sky to forever
The green grass blows in the wind, dancing
It would be a much better sight with you, with me
If you hadn't met me, I'd be fine on my own, baby
Never felt so lonely, then you came along
So now what should I do?
I'm strung out, addicted to you
My body aches, now that you're gone
My supply fell through" – You're not here, Akira Yamaoka
She doesn't believe it when she hears it. Claire is presenting the case to both Terrasave and the B.S.A.A.
"So, as I've stated before. The effects cause by the hypnosis and the combinations of drugs and stress caused the consciousness of Alex Wesker to surface. With these factors eliminated Natalia has returned to normal. I request the monitoring be suspended and she would be allowed to return to a normal life."
There is a murmur among the people in the room. Claire smiles at her, takes her hand walks her out of the room. Alex does her best to smile.
"Why?" she asks in the car.
"It's like you said. As long as you exist people will target you for the knowledge. If everybody thinks your gone it will be for the best. I guess you're free now. You can do whatever you want."
Alex is still in disbelief.
"Redfield."
"Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on you." She takes out a small device.
It's a tracking device. Then she recalls the chip Victoria put into her.
"It's just going to me now." Claire says. "But don't think for a moment I won't come to kick your ass if you try any of that take over the world crap."
"You know I could always just remove it." Alex says, teases.
"Well, for one it's been relocated. And if you do, I'll assume you're up to something and then I'll come for you."
"Seriously?" Alex shakes her head.
"Or I could go back and tell everybody that you're still alive." Claire says.
"Thank you." She says, eyes meeting in the mirror.
She remains living with Claire, for a time. Preparations are being made for her to return to live with Barry. Of course he is aware of the lie. Chris too. But they keep silent. Claire managing to convince them it was for the best for now. The less people knew about her existence the safer it would be for all of them. After all Haupman was somebody trusted by many institutions. But his betrayal proved that nobody was safe. Anyone could turn against them for the selfish desire of immortality. Until they knew who could be trusted, and that would take time, they would act like it was just Natalia.
It came as a complete surprise but at the same time like a weight being lifted. She was free. Not even sure if she knew what the meant. Not sure she knew how to be free. What was she going to do with her life now? A couple years of high school remained. College or university seemed like the logical next step. She had forgotten that over the commotion Natalia turned 16. She supposed science was always an option. But she already knew enough about biology and viruses to write a book about it. Perhaps something new was in order. She still had time to figure out what she wanted to do.
Lucy was back in school. Still not attending a full day of class, it made her too exhausted. But her presence definitely made things livelier. Alex showed her the new place she had set up. Lucy was in cloud nine, having a whole building just for them. They had to keep things quiet, considering it was connected to the school and loud music could be heard across the walls. But she would only be here for two months, until school was done. After that they were moving away.
She sees Eliot looking at them from across the hall. He made it out alive. Alex wanted to thank him but with Lucy around it was difficult. Knowing how she hated him before. She could try telling Lucy the truth but decided against it. Maybe later, when more time passed.
It's after Lucy has left for the day that she texts him. It's been a couple of weeks since she's been out of the hospital. Somethings had to be done in person. So she waited for the right time. She had noticed him watching her a few times. Sometimes in class. Sometimes in the crowded hallway. He never approached them just watched. Lucy noticed. Called him a creep.
"I'm alone. You know where to find me." She sends him the message and waits.
She isn't sure he will show up. Perhaps he has gone home already. But half an hour later she hears the door open. Somebody is here. She stops typing, reworking the program, with the probability of souls existing. Still unable to believe it.
It is Eliot. But he looks different somehow. His hair is not long anymore. It's much shorter and slicked back. He isn't wearing the old hoodie and baseball jacket anymore and the jeans look new. A shirt neatly tucked into them. New elegant shoes as well. She can't help the laugh that escapes. He raises an eyebrow at her.
"Is something wrong?"
"No." She gets up, inspects him.
The short sleeves of the shirt show off his muscular arms. This look reminds her of Him.
"I did like your long hair." She says.
"Oh, ah, I felt like I needed a change. "still awkward like always.
She nods, approves.
"It suits you."
"So, you wanted to see me?"
"Well, yes. You did save my life." She says, leaning against a desk.
"I'm glad you're unharmed." He looks at her, awkwardly.
"And what about you? You could have died!"
He looks at her.
"No one would miss me." He says.
"That's not true."
The dream was true after all, she realizes.
"Thanks for saying that, Natalia." He tries to give a smile.
"I mean it." She does.
He looks surprised. She approaches him and he looks like he wants to move back.
"I thought you said that you weren't interested."
"I'm not. But you're a good person. And I know you'll find someone who will be right for you." She sighs." It's not because of you. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now, with anybody. "
"Oh, that's fine. You've been through a lot."
"I don't mean to sound ungrateful." She says, put's her arms around him." Really, thank you."
He returns the embrace awkwardly. He feels tense somehow. She feels him against her, his warmth. There is a hint of that scent- His. And she wonders how is it possible for two different people to have the same scent. She loses herself in it, nuzzles her face in the crook of his neck, and holds him tightly. Doesn't want to let go. She knows it's wrong. Eliot is Eliot. Albert is dead. Even if she bleached his hair blond and made him wear sunglasses everywhere he would still be Eliot. A poor imitation. Nobody can replace Albert or what he meant to her. All she can do is pretend, but deep down she knows it isn't real. Even so, the longing for him is just as strong.
"Natalia." He says, still holding her in this awkward embrace that has gone on too long. " Can I ask you something."
She hums a yes into his neck.
"Why does Lucy call you Alex?"
She pulls away from him, reluctant. Turns away to face the wall. Tries to decide if she should lie or tell the truth. He did nearly die for her.
"Because that used to be my name." She says.
"Used to be?"
"In a previous life. "She says.
He looks confused, as if trying to figure out if this was a joke or not.
"You can say that this body is reincarnation. But I still have all my memories of the person I used to be"
"Who was that person?"
She turns, doesn't look at him. Eyes wander over the lab equipment.
" I was a scientist, working for the Umbrella Corporation. In Raccoon city. Those events you read about in history class, the bioweapons- I've made some of them."
He looks at her, takes a step closer.
"Alex"
She turns, faces him.
"But I don't want to be that person anymore. What I did was wrong, I see that now. If you thought Victoria was fucked up then I was probably twice as fucked up. I want to change that. Be somebody different."
He looks shocked.
"I don't blame you for not believing it." She says." After all it sounds pretty crazy."
He shakes his head.
"I'm sorry. You must regret saving me now. "She says." But you deserve the truth, to know what kind of person you've saved – a monster."
"No. I don't think you are." He says.
"You weren't there." She says.
"You're brilliant." He says, arms around her holding her against him." You're brave and kind."
She feels him kiss the top of her head. The scent enveloping her. It's not fair to Eliot, but she wants him. Not for who he is but for who she wants him to be.
"Keep up the flattery and I'll start thinking that you saved me just to get in my pants."
He looks flustered now. She laughs a little.
"You did."
"No, of course not."
She smiles.
"Well, you did save me, regardless of your reasons. It's only fair you get something out of it."
It's purely selfish and she knows it. Grabs him by the shirt collar and pulls him into a kiss. But it's not his mouth she imagines against her own. The scent makes it feel real. If she closes her eyes it's like she's kissing Albert. The height difference between Natalia and Eliot is about the same as theirs was. He is muscular form hard labor. She can feel his muscles thought the shirt. He responds to her kiss passionately. She knows this is wrong, that in the end it will end up hurting her even more and it will hurt him as well. Eliot deserves better. But she was always selfish and old habits are hard to kick.
"Just this once." She whispers to him.
But these words are more for herself. Just this once.
He says nothing, just nods. She undoes his shirt. He backs her into a desk. Suddenly reminded of a dream she had. She feels so turned on, needs Him. Though half lidded eyes her visions is blurry, it's growing dark outside. The shadows in the room only adding to the illusion. She sits up on the edge of the table. He moves to stand between her legs. Pushes her jacket down, exposes her arms. Lips moving against hers. She feels him growing hard against her. His hands sliding under the t-shirt, pushing it up. She feels a little embarrassed. The words Victoria carved into her, she know they have healed, no trace left but she still feels them. He kisses her between her breasts. Hands moving to caress. It's different from the two times she slept with him. This hunger is surprising but welcome. He touches a spot under her breast, kissing, biting. She moans. Wonders how he knew. Perhaps just luck. Then his hand moves to her side, caresses another spot where she liked to be touched. He seems to know her body even better than her and it drives her crazy. He finds all the right spots. She had to bite her lip to keep herself from calling out. The name on her lips is not Eliot's after all. But he is making the illusion feel so real.
Kissing down her stomach he stops. Looks at the tattoo. The light is dimming but still enough to see it. Up close the two skulls with arms reaching for each other, connected by the halo like ripples almost like saints or gods. He leans down and kisses it. Eliot never paid it any attention before. But she banishes the thought. Feels his hot mouth on the spot, tracing the drawing. It wasn't that sensitive before. Perhaps the tattoo made it so. He keeps toying with her. So close to where she wants him to be. She reaches to undo her own belt but he grabs her wrists, pins them above her head. She gasps in surprise. He kisses her again, she feels his exposed shin on hers. He is so warm. His free hand moves to remove her pants. Thumb sliding in to tease her. She moves and rocks against it. He chuckles, placing a kiss on her neck.
"So eager."
She swears she hears His voice. Feels him remove his hand. Holds her breath in anticipation. Hears the sound of him undoing his pants. Despite the urge to look him in the eyes she keeps hers closed. Recalls him over her, her breath hitching. He enters her. Sets a pace that is slow but deep. It's something He used to do. She squirms against him trying to get more. He quickens the pace a little. She know it well, it will be drawn out, torturous and so very sweet. If only he moved little faster she would over the edge in seconds. But he doesn't. Not yet. She doesn't even question how Eliot know it. Lost in her illusion. Her lips move to form his name but she doesn't dare to speak it out loud. And suddenly it changes. He begins thrusting fast and hard, a pace that is almost punishing. She comes, tosses her head back and screams. Feels him moving through her orgasm, prolonging it until he finds his own release. He lays on top of her. Tired. Breathing heavy.
Finally she dares to open her eyes. Looks at his face. Wonders when his eyes became so blue. After a moment he moves away. Turns his back to her, tucks himself in. She pulls her shirt down to cover herself up. Kicks of her pants, leaving her" Converse "sneakers on and goes to the small washroom connected to the lab to clean up. She did keep a change of clothes in the lab. When she comes out, new jeans on, she is somewhat surprised to find him still there. She shoves her other jeans and underwear into her bag.
"You won't mind it if I call you Alex?" he asks.
"Well, I let Lucy call me that, so why not. Just not around other people. It's too hard to explain to everybody."
He nods.
"I can give you a ride back." He offers.
She looks at the watch. It is late. The last bus back is in two hours. Or she could call Claire.
"Thanks." She gives him a smiles
Notices that his eyes are the same brown they always were. Yet, she could have sworn they were blue. Perhaps she just really wanted them to be.
She gets in the car. Tells him the address.
"I am grateful to you for saving me. " She says when they stop outside the apartment. "And as amazing as that was, it was just this one time. I really need to figure out a lot right now and considering that bad things happen to people that get involved with me I'd much rather deal with it alone."
"I get it." He says after a long silence." I'm just a distraction."
"I'm sorry. I really am. You deserve somebody that cares for you. Somebody better."
She gets out. Walks inside the building. He remains in the car. Presses his head against the wheels and slams the panel.
She helps Lucy pack for the move. Lucy's mother being overly grateful to the point that it makes both girls embarrassed. They are planning a farewell party next month.
"So what's the deal with you and Eliot?" Lucy asks.
It catches her by surprise. She hesitates bringing up anything sexual, considering what happened to Lucy.
"He isn't that bad once you get to know him." She says.
"He burned down the house!"
"Under Hoffman's orders. " Alex says." So was the bullying. "
Lucy sighs.
"What a push over."
"I know, he can be sometimes." She admits." But he has his uses."
Lucy gives her a weird look.
"Honestly I'm surprised he hasn't tried to apologize to you in person." Alex says.
"He might have tried." Lucy admits." Not that I gave him a chance to."
"What did you do?"
"Told him to get lost and never show his face unless he wants to get punched."
"Well, I already did." She confesses.
Lucy looks at her, eyes wide.
"No."
"I did."
She tells her the whole story about how she found out Hoffman was involved.
"So really Eliot is part of the reason you got rescued." Alex says.
"Oh crap. I need to apologize." Lucy says.
"You should."
It seems so easy to tell others to do the right thing. But when it comes to doing it, she can't. She told herself it was only going to be once. But she found herself thinking about it again. It wasn't fair to both of them. She knew she needed to get over it. Albert was dead, no amount of pretending would change that. But her feelings for him just wouldn't die.
She observes him from far away. Afraid that if she gets close she will lose her determination to stay away. It's difficult because he seems to be spending more time in the library. He actually seems to be studying instead of goofing around or smoking with his buddies. She knows what she feels for him is not love. It's purely physical. She knows it's wrong because deep down she loves somebody else, wants somebody else. Staying away is the best for both of them.
Lucy makes her apology. He looks somewhat surprised.
"Ale… I mean Natalia told me everything. I'm sorry. I promise I won't punch you. Also thanks for helping to get me rescued." She just blurts it out like one giant sentence.
Alex smiles a little. He looks at her confused not sure what she just said.
"Okay, I guess."
"She meant to say sorry." Alex stands behind her friend, avoids making eye contact.
"Yeah." Lucy said "Sorry and thanks."
"oh, sorry I caused you trouble. And about the house." He says.
"The new place more then makes it up for it." Lucy says. "You should hang out with us sometime."
Alex feel her heard drop. But how could she possibly tell Lucy that it's not a good idea.
"Uh, thanks. But I got a lot of classes I need to catch up on."
"Later then."
"Yeah, later."
Alex feels relieved that he refused. Then he catches her eyes. She quickly looks away. It's obvious he refused because of her.
"At least you won't be alone when I'm gone "She hears Lucy say.
"What? You mean Eliot?" she tries to laugh it off.
"I'm not stupid. There's clearly something going between you two."
"I have no idea what you mean, Lucy." She tries to get out of it.
The girl give her the look of "Are you serious right now?"
"You like him don't you. "
"No. I don't." She says. "He just remind me of somebody I used to know in a past life. But he's dead."
"Oh. Sorry. That really sucks."
She knows she should just move on. But her feet are stuck in place. The ground is like quicksand that has swallowed them up. Lucy smiles and she tries to smile too. Pretend she is fine. Maybe eventually the feelings will pass. Maybe she will find someone new. Being positive was never a strong suite of hers. But she tries. Lucy makes plans for Collage in Seattle. They should apply to the same one and be roommates.
"So, you'll do science?" Lucy wonders
"I don't think so. " Alex says. "Maybe something new. Something I haven't done. That way it won't feel like already know everything."
"How about photography?"
"I don't know about that one. Maybe something with books."
"Like publishing?"
"Maybe more like writing."
Lucy laughs
"What?! You don't think I could write a book?"
"I don't think there is a degree for that."
"I was thinking about journalism actually."
"You get to meet a lot of people and write articles, yeah that sounds cool." Lucy says. "But are you sure?"
"It's different enough from making bioweapons and killing people. "
"Yeah. A good different." Lucy says
She stays the night over at Lucy's place. Watches them leave to the airport early on in the morning. Most of the stuff was already sent away days ago. The few furniture left were being sold with the house.
Claire has to go on a mission. Alex goes back to the Burton's house. It feels strange. Being back after everything. Cid leaps at her and licks her face. She holds the cat in her arms. Lucy's mother didn't allow her to bring him with them and the Burtons were already used to it. She hangs the photo of her and Lucy on the bedroom wall. Gets rid of all the dresses Natalia owned. Lines up all the books she brought from Claire on the shelf. It was going to give her something to do in summer.