L

"You look like shit. Ever heard of a brush?" My sister showers me with compliments before ever stepping foot into the house.

I move aside to let her in. "Nice to see you too, Jisoo."

She tugs on my hair. "Messy."

"Kids at school like it."

"Pfft." She drops her suitcase at the bottom of the stairs. "Where's Dad?"

"Recliner. Sleeping."

She turns, exhaling slowly like the trip from Kentucky to Colorado is the longest trip ever. "How's he doing? What did the doctor say? Is he in pain?"

Scratching the back of my head, I chuckle. "For someone who makes the visit once, maybe twice a year, I find your concern a little dramatized."

"Just because I have a busy life, doesn't mean I don't care."

I sigh, feeling emotionally dead and raw with pain clear to my bones. "Let's not fight. He's doing fine. The doctors said the cancer is still slow growing, but they want to start treatment again after the holidays. Oh, and he's still a pain in the ass, but I think that's about it."

Jisoo grins and rolls her eyes. "Sounds about right." She rubs her arms. "Brr … you have any coffee made?"

I nod toward the kitchen.

"How's your job?" She sits at the table while I pour her a cup of coffee and set it in front of her plate of Christmas cookies that Etta made.

"It's good." It's fucking unbearable. I can't walk in that building without thinking of Jennie. I can't breathe for the entire forty-five minutes of third period. I can't understand why her parents let her drop out. And I can't do a damn thing about it.

If Jennie's not a student, the school can't fire me for being in a relationship with her. But I'm not stupid. Principal Rafferty will not like being made to look like a fool. She'll know I lied, and she'll find some reason to fire my ass and destroy my career before I even get a full year on my résumé.

"How's the ranch doing?"

I shrug, taking a seat next to her. "It was a little slower this summer. The fires in the area didn't help. At one point, I thought we were going to have to evacuate, but they got it under control."

"Yeah, I worried about Dad when that was going on."

Dad. She worried about Dad. No need to worry about her fuckup of a sister.

"He's in good hands."

She frowns.

I sip my coffee. "So … what's new with you?"

"It was a rough fall. Castaway had a knee injury. Ted is being an ass about it. Thinks it's my fault. Other than that. Nothing much."

"Who's Ted?"

"The owner's brother. Doesn't know shit about horses, but he sure likes to throw his weight around."

"So is Ted next in line if Arnie dies?" Arnie is the billionaire who owns the horses she trains. He had a stroke last year, and Jisoo nearly had a heart attack when it happened. Arnie thinks the world of Jisoo. But no one else seems to agree with her style of training, which only matters if Arnie dies.

"Unfortunately, yes. And Ted just wants to cash it all in. So if you have a secret stash of money someplace, I might have a few good tips on some horses you could buy that will likely win some crowns."

I grunt a laugh. "I'm certain you make way more money than I do. Dad told me you got ten percent of the purses last year, and he suspects you're getting a percentage of breeding rights."

She smirks. "That's a lot of math for my sister who never liked math."

"Mmm …" I give her a fake smile while rubbing my temple with my middle finger.

Her smile settles into something resembling regret. Our relationship has been ripped to shreds over the years, but it's still raw, and every jab cuts open old wounds. I wonder if the day will ever come when we no longer need the boxing gloves.

"You seeing anyone?" Another jab, but I don't think she means for it to be.

Twisting my lips to the side, I shake my head.

Jisoo traces the rim of her cup with her finger. "You … at least hooking up with anyone?"

Pushing a tiny laugh through my nose, I roll my eyes. I once let it slip to her that I occasionally find someone to hook up with using a "dating" website. It's not like I've paid for sex, but some people—like Jisoo—seem to think it's just as bad.

"Maybe. But at least it's in my budget."

"What? I'm just asking. Looking for small talk."

"She's too obsessed with babysitting me to have time to find a good woman."

We look over at Dad wheeling himself into the kitchen.

"Hey, Daddy." Jisoo gets up and gives him a hug. "Merry Christmas."

"It's Christmas Eve," he says in his gruff, post-nap tone.

"Fine. Merry Christmas Eve." She ambles to the stove and lifts the lid off the Crock-Pot. "Mmm … smells good, Lisa. Beef stew?"

When Dad's awake, we treat each other with a lot more respect—usually.

"Yes."

"Did you invite Duke and Etta?" Dad asks.

"Of course. She's bringing dessert." I glance at the time. "I'm going for a ride before it gets dark."

"You guys have a ton of snow. I bet the trails are fun." Jisoo smiles.

I nod. They're an escape.

"Be careful," Dad says.

"I will."

After changing into my layers of riding gear and saddling up Snare, my favorite horse named after my favorite drum, I set out on the trail, walking through a glittering fresh blanket of snow. The air is crisp on my skin, the wind a soft whisper in my ears, and the sun a beacon of hope that I will survive this fucking life of mine.

Snare snorts, pulling to the right a bit. We slow down, anticipating another rider coming in the opposite direction. He snorts again.

"Easy …" I pull back on the reins a little more.

It's not another rider. It's someone snowshoeing toward us, trekking at a pretty good pace. We stop and wait for them to pass in their neon blue snow gear, wraparound sunglasses, and brown hair cascading beneath it. I wait idle in the saddle for her to pass.

Is it her? No. Not her. Maybe a dream? Shit … what's wrong with me? She slows up upon passing us. My head follows her and hers follows mine, both of us looking back over our shoulders. Then she stops.

I don't have to see her whole face to know it's her. I feel her. She releases one pole, letting it dangle from her wrist as she slides her sunglasses onto her head.

My heart feels like Snare's standing on it. Those freckles along her rosy nose and cheeks, and those blue eyes so brilliant, framed with that wild red mane—it all hits me so hard I can't breathe. Without her, I'm not sure I want to breathe.

Her gaze drops to the ground between us. After several blinks, she slips her glasses back on and continues in the opposite direction.

"Jesus …" I whisper, climbing off Snare. "That's it? You're just going to walk off?" I plod my way through the snow after her. "Stop!" I grab her arm.

She whips around with her pole, ready to decapitate me. I duck then lose my balance and stumble back onto my ass. Jennie straddles me with her snow shoes on either side of my body, forcing my head back into the snow by shoving the point of her pole against my throat.

"Just to be. Very. Fucking. Clear." Her voice drips rage like acid on my soul. "You are the one who walked off."

I can't see her eyes behind her glasses, but I don't miss the tear trailing down her cheek, and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm not sure how much longer I'll be alive as the tip of her pole digs a little more into my skin, making me work harder for oxygen.

She nods slowly several times as another tear appears on her other cheek. "I'm glad we ran into each other. I needed this closure." Inching the tip away from my neck, she swings a leg over my head and continues on her way.

"Well, I don't have closure!" I dig my ass out of the snow and chase after her, with nothing to offer, with no grand explanation, with nothing but a bleeding, aching heart and a need to feel us again.

Giving her a good ten feet radius from my throat, I run ahead of her and hold up my hands in surrender. "Please, just …"

Jennie holds her pole out like a sword and takes another step forward so that the point of it marks the center of my chest.

"It's okay," I whisper as emotions sting my eyes. "Without you, I'm already dead."

She clenches her teeth. "You don't deserve me."

"No. I don't."

Like a leaf slowly floating to the ground, she lowers her pole.

"I owe you an explanation."

"No," she murmurs so softly I almost don't hear her. "I know you have your reasons. I know they're probably very self-sacrificial in comparison to my indignation, but if I'm not at the top of your list, that's okay. I don't need to see your list because I'm leaving. I'm making my own list, and you're …" her voice cracks.

She inhales a shaky breath and swallows hard before biting her lips together to keep them from quivering, but I already saw them losing their battle with her emotions. Her pole is no longer pointed at my heart, but I feel it tearing through my chest with each word she speaks.

"I'm not on your list," I say it for her.

Ms. Manoban would be so proud of her for putting one foot in front of the other and walking away from a doomed relationship. She would commend her for having a list. But the woman in me who simply loves this woman more than life, well … that woman can't seem to get her lungs to draw their next breath, let alone put one foot in front of the other and walk away from her.

Taking the two steps that puts me so close to her I can feel her warmth cut through the cold between us, I remove my gloves and slide off her sunglasses, revealing red, tear-filled eyes. "Where are you going?"

She swallows again and blinks more tears, silenced by her choking emotion.

"To experience the world?"

She nods once, keeping her gaze to the ground.