I thought about going to her place as soon as I got home, but truth be told I was afraid. And it was so much easier just to feel sorry for myself. I had a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in my freezer on hold for just such occasions. It would have been nice to share it with Irene, but I couldn't afford to share my secret with another person, and I wasn't selfish enough to make Kai witness any more of my pity party. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone, and I believed him.

I sat on one end of my couch, eyeing Hamlet spread out on the other end. I wondered if she might comfort me. She had been nice to me only once at another sad moment, so maybe I had a chance. I reached for her, and received not just her usual growl, but a hiss too.

She was clearly on Lisa's side.

I thought about going to her a thousand times, maybe a thousand and one. But I had to face it—she had been out of my league from the very beginning. She would have gotten tired of me eventually, once the forbidden factor wore off. And I can't even begin to contemplate what might have happened if we'd been caught. Even the thought of it brought adrenaline rushing through me, like when she'd kissed me in the lab for anyone to see. Maybe I was doing myself a favor, severing the ties now. I mean, it sucked times seven billion, but it would have been worse after more time.

In my dim, quiet apartment in my ice cream induced haze, I could admit that I had been falling for her. Our oh-so-brief relationship had been like spending a day in sunlight when you've lived your whole life underground (my former self being the mole man in this story). Maybe that was all we got when it came to relationships like that—flashes of sunlight. Maybe it was too bright to be sustained for any extended period of time. Maybe I should be thankful.

I didn't feel thankful. I felt miserable (and full of ice cream).

We were in the lab again Wednesday, and she never came within three feet of my workspace. At rehearsal that night, she sat in the top row taking notes, and never said a word.

Thursday and Friday were the same. Though the acting in rehearsals had improved now that Kai and I had patched things up (sort of). We weren't quite friends again. I didn't see us hanging out alone any time in the future, but we could talk without any major disasters, and both of our minds had cleared enough to focus on the play.

I returned to my mole man state on the weekend, never leaving my apartment, showering only when absolutely necessary. Any other weekend, Irene might have forced me into an outing, but she was still a little ticked about my attitude at the club.

So, I was pretty much alone.

I had no one, but Hamlet. Who hated me with the fire of a thousand suns.

I passed an entire week in a state of loneliness before I had the nerve to do anything about it.

I dropped by during her office hours, too afraid to confront her at home or after class. When I approached the door, she was on the phone.

"I know," She was nodding, smiling. "I know. I'll be home before you know it. What is it, just three more months?"

I froze. I plastered myself to the wall outside her door, and my lungs seemed empty no matter how many breaths I took.

"That? No, I'm over it. It really wasn't anything to begin with… just inconvenient."

Something was crumbling inside me, something that had already been vulnerable and weak, but now was breaking and breaking.

"I should have known better. I know, but it's over now, and I don't really care anymore, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'll find another place to work. It's just not worth it."

Not worth it?

I think, until then, I'd still hoped, even though I'd tried to talk myself out of it.

Hope… it was such a motherfucker.

I wouldn't cry. She was over it. I needed to be, too. And I needed to make sure she knew it. If she was thinking about quitting to stay away from me, I had to fix that. I wouldn't be the reason she left.

Before I could change my mind, I reached out and knocked on the doorframe, and stepped into the open doorway.

She looked up, and stuttered over whatever she was going to say next. She stared at me for a second, the phone forgotten in her hand.

Then finally, she blinked, and turned back to her conversation.

"Hey, I have to go. I'll call you later, okay?"

I hated whoever was on the other end of that phone call. Was it a girl? Did she have a girlfriend back in Philly? Had it been just a fling for her, just sex (or well, almost sex)? Whoever it was spoke for another twenty seconds while she said yes and okay and nodded along.

When she hung up, I still had no idea what I was going to say.

She just looked at me for a moment, and then said, "How can I help you, Jennie?"

Her formal tone made me queasy, but I tried to copy it as best as I could. "I just wanted to apologize for my behavior during our rehearsal together. Kai and I have worked everything out—"

She interrupted, "I noticed."

My thoughts stuttered, fleeing for the moment. "So… I, uh, I promise it won't happen again. In the future, I will maintain a professional attitude. I won't bring my personal life into rehearsal or your classroom."

She put down the pen she'd been toying with, and started to stand. "Jennie…"

Whatever she was going to say, I couldn't hear it. If I had to listen to her try to let me down easy (when I knew she didn't care), I would end up crying and making a fool of myself. So I cut her off.

"It's okay. I'm over it. No big deal, right?"

She paused and I was certain she knew I was lying, certain she could see into my churning stomach, my wringing heart. I willed her to believe me.

I'm okay. I'm over it. I'm okay. Okay. Okay.

"Right," she finally said.

I sucked in a greedy breath.

"Great. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day!" Then I was out the door and running, running, running down the stairs out into the air where I could gulp and fill my lungs until I no longer felt like crying.

From then on, I built walls with smiles and closed myself off with laughs. I made up with Irene, promising her I would go dancing whenever she wanted. I threw myself into rehearsal, memorizing all of my lines over a week before the off-book date. I willed myself into March like a soldier, moving forward, refusing to look back. Jimin praised my work in rehearsals, saying he could feel my shame, my self-hatred in every word, could see it in even my posture. I smiled and pretended like I was glad to hear it.

I set my sights on graduation, when I would leave and go who knows where. Maybe I'd max out a credit card and go traveling with Irene. Maybe I'd go back home and work, save some money. Mom would just love that. Maybe I'd stay here, get a job at Target or something. I just had to get to the end. Things would get easier then. Then… I would deal. I'd tell Irene about everything, and we'd party the pain away. Then.

I couldn't wait for Then.

It seemed possible. It seemed do-able.

Until the Now screwed everything up.

We were one week away from Spring Break—a much needed break. Friday afternoon had us all in the black box theatre for beginning directing scene workshops. The entire department was gathered into the theatre—the Junior directors petrified, everyone else ranged from boredom to sadistic glee.

I was just marching forward, willing the time to pass, until V stood to make an announcement before the first scene.

He cleared his throat, remarkably serious for V. "So… I went to the doctor yesterday…"

"And you're pregnant?" Someone at the back shouted.

"No," He smiled, albeit a small one. "Actually… I have mono."

There was a beat before it sank in.

"The doctor said that the incubation is anywhere between four and eight weeks, which means I could have had it as far back as January or February. So… you might want to be careful about drinking after people and… other things."

January or February. The party. I'd kissed V at that party. We'd all kissed… everyone.

By instinct, my eyes sought out the other members of that spin the bottle game. Their expressions were just as anxious and fearful as my own. If V was already contagious back then, that meant I would have it, along with Kai, and Irene and Joy, and every person at that party.

And Lisa.

Damn.