Chapter 22: Thursday, February 14, 1980

"Although we want to be close with others, we maintain a distance so we won't be hurt."

-Yong Kang Chan

Over the last fortnight, Remus had gone out of his way to avoid Hermione at all costs. He made up excuses to leave when she would arrive at James and Lily's for dinner a few nights a week, he didn't sit next to her at the Order Meetings, he hadn't baked anything for her… He was doing his best to ignore her, and Hermione would be lying if she said her feelings weren't hurt by it.

She had begun to wonder if Sirius was wrong, if her own gut was wrong. There were quite a few instances since she arrived over four months ago that led her to thinking Remus had romantic interest in her, but now she wasn't so sure. Perhaps she had misread the signs? Maybe she had been too forward, and Remus hadn't known how to properly turn her down?

But then again, that kiss didn't feel like he wanted to turn her down.

It was all she could think about. It was as if the terrible moment in the alley with Sirius had never even happened, as if all her worries of the children had been wiped clean. Thanks to James and Sirius, The Order had gotten together that night and were able to successfully extract eight of the children who were kidnapped. She had been devastated to find out that not all of the children were alive, but she was glad that they were able to rescue the ones that were. Kingsley worked with the Muggle police to get the children settled with living relatives and get them into some sort of trauma treatment. Even after being obliviated, they had still lost so much and Hermione had personally begged Moody to take their mental well-being into consideration. Once the dust settled and she had checked in with Kingsley about the status of the surviving children, her mind drifted to focus on other things…

And found herself thinking about that damn kiss.

The way Remus melted into her, how his tongue felt like silk against hers, his lips much softer than she had expected. Everything about it was slow and gentle and heated. She could still hear the low groan that pulled from his throat and feel the heat of his fingers against her chin, his nails scraping lightly against her scalp as he held her curls…

She felt ridiculous, like a love sick school girl who couldn't get her head out of the clouds. She had a brief lapse of sanity that even had her wondering if she had been dosed with small amounts of Amortentia. It was the only thing she could think of to explain feeling like this over a kiss. A simple kiss! But then again, the more she thought about it, the more she knew that that kiss had been anything but simple. Remus had opened up a vulnerability to her that she knew he was uncomfortable with. He had been physically affectionate toward her, even before she mucked it up by kissing him. He had removed her shoes, washed her face, and rubbed soothing circles between her shoulders.

Hermione had never had a wizard care for her like that after something traumatic. It was always the other way around. She always found herself burying the shock of a situation to take care of everyone else around her, only to later deal with the trauma herself, if she even dealt with it at all. The only other person to ever make sure she took care of herself was Harry, and while they had the one night in the tent when they were on the run, that had proven to be awkward and certainly not a good fit. Especially considering he preferred the company of other wizards.

She tried hard to rack her brain, trying to remember a time when any of her previous partners had been so warm and tenderhearted. While her sexual relationship with Ron had been great, there was a lack of intellectual compatibility; they simply didn't see eye to eye unless they were in bed together. She had slept with George twice, and that had proven to be a terrible experience for both parties. Seamus had been far too rough for any part of their brief relationship to be enjoyable. Theo had been the best intellectually suited person for her. He was brilliant at spellwork and could put together a new charm in ten seconds flat, he talked about spell theory constantly with her and had a heavy hand in helping her and Draco create a lot of the healing spells they used regularly, but any intimacy between them felt forced and lackluster.

Everything felt natural with Remus. Every time Hermione laughed or smiled because of something he said, it was because it was truly funny or amusing. She felt like she could be vulnerable around him, because he knew what it was to keep a secret, to not feel like he can trust his own judgement on things because of it. And while Hermione knew that his own views of his lycanthropy were terribly skewed, she felt like she could trust him.

But perhaps she had been mistaken. Perhaps she was just missing her life in 2001, her friends who had become her family. Maybe she was just picking out the qualities in Remus that reminded her of home and so he felt comfortable and safe.

She laughed at that. If Remus knew that Hermione thought of him as safe she was sure he would have her admitted into the Janus Thickey ward at St. Mungo's.

Hermione sat at her small table in the kitchen picking at a rather sad dinner she had made for herself. She found her mind kept wandering as she pushed the food around on the plate, finally giving up and emptying it into the rubbish bin before grabbing her journal off the counter and curling up in her favorite armchair to read through the notes she had taken over the last few weeks, to see if there was anything of importance to stand out to her.

After the debacle in the alley, she had decided that perhaps, volunteering for assignments might be too much. Just as she knew she couldn't trust herself to not try and change things, so much so that she had her memories altered a bit and made an unbreakable vow, she realized that things may need to happen in certain sequences in order for the future to remain unscathed.

After the last meeting, she brought this up to Dumbledore, and he had agreed that it would be best that she not sacrifice herself and her future on missions unless absolutely necessary. Wanting to still be of use to the Order, she had agreed to be a scribe of sorts, for the meetings. Hermione would copy down all pertinent information during the meetings, something she already did on her own time, but now she had permission to do it during the meeting. She was able to keep a record of all assignments and all plans being made. Any moves that had been made by Voldemort and his cohorts and anything The Order needed further researched.

As she began to filter through a few things from the last meeting, she heard a light tapping sound coming from her window. She furrowed her brow, wondering who on earth would be owling her, and got up from the chair to let the bird into the house.

The tawny barn owl ruffled his feathers impatiently at her and she took the small scroll from his leg. The bird didn't wait on a treat or a confirmation before swooping back through the window.

Hermione unrolled the parchment and saw Lily's curved writing.

I know you're probably starved by now. Don't give me that look, I know you haven't eaten yet. James and I won't be home tonight, there's leftovers in the ice box. Please, go eat. I'll keep sending owls until I get confirmation from our wards that you're in the house. Don't think I won't do it.

Happy Valentine's Day, we love you!

-Lily

Hermione rolled her eyes and set the parchment on the coffee table. As she began to walk toward her room to change into something more suited for an evening spent curled in her chair, reading over her notes and possibly diving into a new book, her stomach grumbled from hunger and she rolled her eyes. Honestly, it's as if they think I'm not self sufficient!

But then again, the thought of James' roast chicken and vegetables or perhaps a French Onion soup with fresh bread sounded much more appetizing than the swill she had attempted to make for herself. As her stomach growled again, she sighed in defeat and back tracked to the small foyer, slipping on her trainers and pulling her cloak over her shoulders. At least she would have the house to herself. Lily had told her Remus and Sirius were going out to the pub for the night; no doubt so Remus could sit awkwardly at Sirius' side while he tried to pick up any lonely, broken hearted muggle girl he could get.

She tucked her wand and journal into her pocket and stepped into the cold February air. The sky was clear and with it being eight at night, it was already dark. The stars were twinkling against the inky sky and she took a moment to look up and appreciate it. Somewhere, under this freezing, vast, sparkling sky, Harry, Draco, Ron, And Ginny were waiting for her to come back. Justin and Pansy were curled up on a sofa together, Blaise and Neville were playing exploding snap against Luna and Hannah. Lee, Seamus, and George were more than likely putting together some sort of ridiculous scheme that would get a laugh out of everyone…

Her friends, her family, were somewhere under this sky and she wondered if they knew she was gone. If time was still passing without her there, or if it had stopped completely. Would everyone wonder where she had gone? Harry would have made up some sort of assignment or something to explain her absence, she was sure. Ron wouldn't buy it, he would be pestering Harry relentlessly about the details until Luna found some way to distract him. Ginny and Blaise, of course, knew at least a bit of what she was doing. Knew that she had traveled back. She felt guilty for not telling Ron, but then, Ron was always a bit hot headed. He wouldn't have understood her need to go back, to look for the answers they were denied before they could even ask the questions.

Hermione sighed, watching as her warm breath created a fog against the cold air. She hugged her cloak tighter to her frame and trekked over to James and Lily's, stepping through the door and removing her cloak and trainers before making her way into the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks at the sight of Remus standing near the table, a piece of parchment in his hands.

The table was set for two, with candles and the nice, expensive china that Lily and James had received as a wedding gift. They rarely used it, bringing it out only for Christmas, and Hermione felt her brows pull together in confusion.

"Remus?" She asked, looking around for Sirius, "Where's Sirius? I thought you were going to the pub together? Lily said-

"Lily, is a meddlesome witch," Remus grumbled, handing her the parchment. "And I was with Sirius. He told me to come home because he had found someone to spend the rest of the night with."

Hermione arched an eyebrow at him as she took the parchment from his hands and shook her head as she read Lily's neat writing:

Our Dearest Remus and Hermione,

The three of us have decided we are completely exhausted with watching you dance around one another. The cottage is locked until James and I come home to unlock it. Eat, talk, figure it out. It's getting awkward.

We love you both,

Lily, James, and Sirius

Hermione huffed a humorless laugh as she folded the parchment back in half and set it on the table, "I don't think it's just Lily doing the meddling."

"This is ridiculous," Remus said. "I swear she treats me like a damn child. You know, she locked my room! I can't even go in it without getting burns on my hands!" Remus showed the palm of his right hand, which was red and looked painfully blistered.

Hermione's eyes widened in disbelief before she began laughing. Remus looked at her, his brows pulled together in indignation as his mouth dropped open.

"It isn't funny!" Remus said, petulantly.

Hermione continued to chuckle as she walked to the cabinet that Lily kept the majority of the potions in, and plucked a tin of healing salve from the shelf. She scooped some of it out, set the tin on the counter and walked back to where Remus was standing. She grabbed his burned hand and held it tightly as he tried to pull away from her, arching an eyebrow at him as she pursed her lips. He sighed and relaxed, letting Hermione apply the salve to his burned palm.

"So, I see you told Lily I kissed you," she said, her voice low and her eyes avoiding his face as she rubbed the salve carefully into his palm.

"I… Erm… I may have said something to James about it," he admitted.

"Who in turn told Lily and Sirius, I take it?"

Remus cleared his throat, "Looks that way."

Hermione twisted her mouth to the side in thought as she finished applying the salve and held Remus' hand in her own for a minute, watching as the blisters slowly sank back into his skin, leaving behind nothing but a few faint, red spots.

He had told James about it.

She wasn't upset that he had said anything about it, in fact she would have been confused if he hadn't. What bothered her was that she didn't know what he said about it. Was he horrified that she had kissed him? Was he upset that he left? Or maybe upset that she didn't wait for him to return? Was he angry with her for assuming that he had wanted to kiss her, that he liked her?

It was the growling of her stomach that pulled her from her thoughts, making her realize she had been standing there, intently staring at Remus' hand for far too long. Remus chuckled and she dropped his hand, feeling a flush of red kiss her cheeks as embarrassment crept it's way into her.

"I haven't eaten yet," she admitted, walking toward the kitchen. "I assume you haven't either, if you were with Sirius?"

"You assume correctly," Remus said.

"I guess we had better eat dinner then. Lily will probably do something much worse if she comes home and the diner James made went untouched."

Remus visibly shuddered at the thought, "I don't want to imagine the things she would do to us."

Hermione chuckled, shaking her head as she took her seat. "And I thought Ginny was bad," she murmured.

"Ginny?" Remus asked.

"A friend of mine," Hermione responded, not offering any other information.

She pulled the lid off the tray that was in the center of the table and saw that James had placed a stasis charm over a cottage pie. She pulled her wand from her pocket and waved it over the meal, canceling the stasis. When she did, the smell of it nearly made her mouth water. While she wasn't excited about being manipulated into having a very awkward dinner with Remus, she was thrilled to have a reason to eat James' cottage pie.

"He hardly ever makes cottage pie," Remus mumbled, his mood brightening a bit.

"I guess we shouldn't disappoint him then," Hermione said, filling her plate.

They ate in silence, a painfully awkward silence. The only words muttered were the occasional "could you pass the pepper, please?" and "thank you" as the aforementioned pepper was passed. Hermione wanted to talk, wanted to ask him how he was doing, if he had still accepted the pain potions and chocolate she had left for him after the moon, or if he had thrown them away. After they were nearly done with their food, their bites slowing considerably, Hermione cleared her throat and took a sip of the wine James had left on the table for them. Gathering up as much of the Gryffindor courage she could muster, she decided to just say what was on her mind.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," she blurted out, instantly internalizing a groan as she said it. "I mean, I'm not sorry that it happened, I just… Merlin, I… I thought you maybe… Sirius said you fancied me and I- I don't know why I thought the timing was right then… It wasn't… But I… I just...God help me… Okay," Hermione took a deep breath and stared down at her plate, trying to collect herself and form a coherent sentence. "Sirius told me that you fancied me, and the way you were with me that night, you were so kind and… If I overstepped, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry that I kissed you, Remus."

Several seconds of silence ticked by and Hermione mentally kicked herself for even saying anything. But then, that was the point of this little forced date, wasn't it? To get them to talk it out, to get them to figure out their feelings toward one another, if there were even feelings there to be had.

"You don't regret it?"

If it hadn't been so uncomfortably quiet in the room, Hermione would have missed that he even said it. She quickly pulled her head up to meet his eyes and saw fear flash through them.

"Regret it? Why on earth would I regret it?" she asked.

Remus took a long breath in, blowing it out slowly through his nose; Hermione saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, "I'm not good at this type of thing," he said, quietly. "I don't want you to get hurt. And if you're close to me, especially like… like that, you're going to get hurt."

The realization hit her like a rogue bludger to the head and before she could stop the words from falling out of her mouth she spoke, "Is it because you're a Werewolf? You honestly believe that I would regret it because you have a day out of the month that you aren't yourself? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, Remus Lupin, but most of us have a few days a month that we aren't completely ourselves. Yours is just a little more excusable."

Remus stood from the table with such force that his chair toppled backward. He stepped further into the kitchen and began pacing and Hermione realized too late what she had admitted. She knew. She had just told Remus that she knew he was a Werewolf, without him offering up the information first. She waited for the burn of her arm to tell her she had colossally screwed up, but it didn't come.

Remus' voice, however, did. "What are you talking about?"

Hermione slowly stood from the table, walking over to where his chair had toppled over and picked it up, pushing it back into place. "By your reaction, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. You don't have to—

"How did you find out? Fuck! Did Sirius tell you? That fucking arsehole! I knew—

"No." Hermione put both hands up in surrender, trying to calm him down, "No. I swear, Remus, Sirius didn't tell me anything."

"Then how..?"

"I'm not an idiot," she said, coming up with a quick lie to cover up the fact that she had known for years. "You look terrible every month right around the full moon! I mean, I did go to Hogwarts, I learned about Werewolves in third year just like everyone else! I know the signs… Do you honestly believe I would brew a special hangover potion meant just for you and leave it every full moon, and not leave any for anyone else?"

"It's not a hangover potion," Remus said. "It's a—

"Potent pain relief potion, yes. It's my own brew. It has muscle strengthening properties and blood replenishers and just a dash of dreamless sleep and Skele-gro to help your bones reset. I'm not new to being around Werewolves, Remus. You don't scare me."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of!" Remus said, his voice louder than she had ever heard it. He wasn't shouting, but she could tell he was angry.

"Neither do you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Remus snapped.

"You think you're this big terrifying beast but Remus, you aren't! Werewolves aren't inherently bad!"

"You don't know that, Hermione! You don't know that! I could kill you! Look at those Werewolves working with the Death Eaters! That's what I'm capable of!"

"I don't believe that," Hermione said, folding her arms over her chest and looking at him with raised brows and pursed lips. "Those Werewolves, those men, are vile. Disgusting caricatures of what a good Werewolf, a good man can be. You would never do what those men did."

"You don't-

"If you tell me I don't know something one more time, I'm going to show you who, in this room, is the one to be feared," she said, setting her jaw and staring at him with fierce eyes.

Remus ran both his hands through his hair, his shoulders slouching forward as he leaned against the counter, sighing loudly. "You really aren't afraid?"

"Of you?" Hermione chuckled and stepped closer to him, "The man who keeps chocolate in his pocket for a bad day and sorts his quills by height? No, I'm not afraid of you. There's nothing to fear."

Hermione closed the space between them, their toes touching. She could feel his breath hit her face and she looked up at him through her lashes, leaning back slightly to see his face. He pulled his chin up and looked at her, his eyes roaming her face, flashing between green and gold and swirling with questions. Two weeks past the full moon, and he didn't look quite as exhausted as he had the last time she was this close to him. She noticed a new scar running just under his chin and she reached up, tracing it lightly with her fingers.

"You could never frighten me, Remus. I trust you," she whispered, bringing her hand down to rest on his chest.

Remus' heart was beating wildly against her palm and she could feel him trying to control his breath. His tongue darted out between his lips, wetting them nervously as his arms moved from his sides, slowly snaking their way around her, pulling her closer to him. She bit into her bottom lip, breathing deeply as she returned the embrace, the side of her face pressed into the chest of his knobby jumper. When she inhaled she chuckled, he smelled like fresh bread and the earth after it rains.

He pulled away and stooped down and she briefly wondered how uncomfortable it must be that he's so tall. Constantly having to stoop over to avoid knocking his head into door frames and never fitting on the furniture unless it's magically enlarged, which he's always too polite to do for himself.

Remus leaned down, his lips twitching as his brows pulled together in question. Hermione bit back a smile and nodded in understanding, pushing up onto her tip toes and resting a hand against his jaw. He pressed his lips to hers, and her heart thumped hard in her chest. It was tentative and soft and sweet, his lips moving ever so lightly against her mouth.

For a moment, Hermione thought she could stay here forever kissing Remus. She could die with his lips on hers and she would be okay with it because she had never felt something so lovely in her life. She wanted to cry when he pulled away, but promptly stopped herself when he wrapped her in another embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head.

"So the chocolates after the moon..?" Remus questioned.

Hermione chuckled, "A friend of mine told me that it's always nice to have a bit of chocolate on hand for when you need it."

His chest shook as he laughed, "Smart friend of yours."

"Absolutely brilliant."

.

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a/n: Hey everyone, thanks for reading! So, an announcement... of sorts?

I am having surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed on TUESDAY (10/20) (because apparently teething at the age of 30 is a fucking thing...?) and I have to go completely under for it. So I'm not 100% sure if I'll be functional to post on thursday (10/22) or not. If I do not post thursday, I will double post saturday!

Just wanted to give a heads up!

xo

mimi