Chapter 22 – Haunted by the Past
Melida/Daan
Obi-Wan knew he should deem himself lucky that Master Jinn had taken him on as a padawan after all. Yet, as they were standing in front of each other now, a small part inside of him whispered that maybe becoming a jedi knight wasn't even his destiny.
Like his master had always said, he was too angry, too unstable, too close to the darkness. Even though that he had been selected as a padawan only a few months ago, Master Jinn had never really warmed up to him and it felt like he was only a disappointment, an unwanted burden.
Despite Master Yoda's meddling it had been clear that Qui-Gon had rather chosen every other initiate than Obi-Wan. He had tried so hard to become the apprentice Master Jinn wanted. But in this very moment, he was only seconds away from leaving that path forever.
It should feel wrong, but leaving children without defense in a war zone felt even more sickening.
Qui-Gon didn't see that. His focus was completely on Master Tahl. After being dispatched to negotiate a peace treaty between the two opposing fractions, the Melida and the Daan, Tahl had been captured and injured. With the help of a group of children, The Young, they were able to set the dispute between them and free the jedi. Sadly, that victory was short lived as the Elders now turned against their own children.
Even a blind man could tell that Master Jinn loved her. Nonetheless, Obi-Wan never got a glimpse of that caring man. For him, Qui-Gon only offered reprimands and a cold shoulder. He didn't understand what he did so wrong that the jedi master wasn't able to let him in just a bit.
How much longer did he have to prove himself to others? Why wasn't he ever good enough for someone?
Even their training bond hadn't been properly formed. It hurt, but it was nothing Obi-Wan could do about it.
'Don't let them see that they hurt you. Keep your head up high and face what wants to tear you down.'
The padawan still remembered the words in detail. Master Koon had told him that after Bruck and some of the other initiates had ganged up on him. Of course, after Obi-Wan had managed to get a few hits in they had accused him of having started the fight. And to his dismay, the jedi masters even believed their story. All except the gentle Kel'Dor. The man had taken him to the healing halls afterwards and had spoken these words to him. Obi-wan had always hoped that he would choose him as a padawan.
He had been disappointed again as he was shipped off to Bandomeer instead.
To help the children, Obi-Wan had wanted to use their ship to fend of the Elder's fighters, as the Young had no chance against the air assault. Him and Cerasi, one of the Young's leaders, had made it to the aircraft only to be met with Qui-Gon who was very intent on leaving right now.
The man was scowling down on his young padawan, clearly displeased with the boy's actions.
"And here I thought you finally learned to listen to the orders you were given, padawan", the jedi sneered, "As I see, I'm clearly mistaken, as you seem to be doing everything possible to endanger the mission."
Obi-Wan flinched as he was met with the onslaught of fury and disappointment in the Force, but held his ground. Now was not the time to back off. "Master, these kids are dying!", he tried to reason, "We can't just leave them."
"I will take Master Tahl back to the temple, either you board this ship or you stay here. Now choose." Qui-Gon's expression had become colder as he said these words. Obi-Wan knew that there was no ground for him to build on left. The jedi master had made his point and didn't want to discuss the subject further.
Heart hammering in his chest, the 13-year-old thought about his next words. The decision weighted heavy on him but he didn't see another way.
His mouth suddenly felt very dry as he sealed his fate. "I won't abandon those who are in need", Obi-Wan's voice was steady while he spoke, "even if that means not becoming a jedi knight."
Clipping his lightsaber from his belt, the weapon suddenly felt foreign in his hands. It was the first he ever constructed, supposed to accompany him on his way to knighthood. Now it would be the tool to separate him from his past.
With a trembling hand, he ignited the bright blue blade. There was no going back for him.
Obi-Wan grabbed his padawan braid and severed the strand of hairs in a swift motion.
He let the short red hairs be consumed by the muddy ground beneath his feet, burying his dreams with them. Tears shimmered in his eyes, as he squeezed them shut in an attempt to hide his emotions.
Deactivating the saber again, he held the hilt out to his master. Obi-Wan opened his eyes to look at his master for a last time. One could be mistaken but it looked like a flash of remorse and guilt swept over the man's face. It didn't matter to Obi-Wan though. He had made his choice.
"Thank you for giving me a chance, Master Jinn. But I can't go home with a clear conscience. Not when children are dying and I could do something about it, I just can't. I'm so sorry."
Qui-Gon studied him with a strange expression, before nodding shortly. "Very well, Obi-Wan. If this is what you wish, so be it." A callused, big hand slowly eased the weapon from his grasp.
As the hilt left his palm, a sudden coldness washed over Obi-Wan. The Force had quieted, he realized. For the first time in his life the constant whispers inside of him came to a halt. No guiding light, no one to show what was right or wrong. The decision was his. And his alone.
Obi-Wan bowed slightly. At least he would walk away with dignity. "Farewell, Master Jinn. May the Force be with you."
Tipping his head slightly, Qui-Gon pressed his lips into a thin line. "And with you, Obi-Wan", the man whispered. It looked like he wanted to say more but as he watched the young boy in front of him, his mouth slipped shut again. He studied the saber inside his hand before he clipped it to his belt. Throwing a last glance on Obi-Wan and Cerasi, he then turned around and made his retreat into the ship.
It wasn't easy to let him walk away. Obi-Wan watched in silence as the ramp closed and the ship lifted up into the air. He didn't know how long he watched the silhouette disappear into the distance, as suddenly a soft hand landed on his shoulder.
"Obi-Wan?", a tentative voice asked. Cerasi. Of course. He had almost forgotten about her presence.
Obi-Wan lightly grabbed the hand on his shoulder and slipped it off. Eyes hefted now on the ground in front of his feet, he shook his head.
"Not now, Cerasi", he mumbled distantly. Somewhere in front of his boot a few red hairs were sticking out of the mud. Obi-Wan scowled and clenched his fists, before he turned around and trudged past the young girl, leaving her to follow him.
They made their way back to the Young's hideout in the underground in silence. Some of the children looked up alarmed as Obi-Wan wordlessly stomped past them.
He wanted to be alone. His blood was boiling. The anger was threatening to consume him.
But who was he angry at? The jedi order? Qui-Gon? Or himself?
Obi-Wan left the group behind him and climbed through one of the smaller tunnels in the cave system. Slipping down into a small alcove, he let himself slip down to the floor.
Who was he trying to fool? He didn't know what to do. Fighting a war wasn't something they taught them at the jedi temple. Let alone leading children into it with the small hope of turning things for the better.
They were on their own now. And it was his fault. He should have been more insistent. Maybe he could have convinced Qui-Gon. For the sake of the children.
The thought of his former master made him sick again. As he tapped into the Force, he felt nothing of their meager bond anymore. It was gone without a trace. 'It should have hurt', he thought. But on the other hand, the training bond hadn't really been there at all.
Next to him laid a small stone on the ground. Obi-Wan used the Force to call the rock towards him and let it float over his palm. The surface was uneven, its edges almost sharp, chipped in a lot of places. The color varied from a light grey, over a light coppery tone to brown. It reminded him of one of the rocks in the Room of the Thousand Fountains back at the temple.
He closed his fist and shattered the stone into pieces.
Hours later he silently returned to the other children. Some of them had gone to sleep but most of them had stayed awake. The bombing and shooting on the surface weren't easy to drown out.
Obi-Wan sat down next to Cerasi on the ground, somewhere on the side of the cave, crossing his legs. She was cleaning an old guitar they had found a few days ago.
"Do you want to talk about it now?", she asked, stopping with her task.
"No", he rasped, his voice cracking a little. He wasn't even sure if he ever wanted to talk about it.
Nodding in understanding, she looked over their small group. Most of the kids weren't older than nine years.
Cerasi focused back on the instrument in her hands, it was worn down but still functionable. The strings needed to be replaced at some time but they had to do for now.
"Here, take it", she said, holding it out to him Obi-Wan.
Confusion spread over his face as he looked at the guitar with a questioning look. "I don't know how to play."
"Then you will have to figure it out." Without waiting longer, she just pressed the instrument into his arms.
Obi-Wan studied the wood for a second before he watched her again. "Why should I?"
Cerasi smiled. "To keep your sanity, Obi-Wan. You won't talk about what is going on inside of you. And it will break you, if you keep going like this. Finding a way to express yourself is important, so maybe you want to give it a try."
With that she stood up and left to talk to some of the younger children. Being alone with his thoughts again, Obi-Wan plucked on the guitar strings. He knew that Cerasi was right. Confiding in others had never been his strength.
Perhaps he should give this approach a shot.
present time
"I can't believe you left the jedi order", Anakin breathed bewildered, staring at his former master in awe.
Ahsoka shifted nervously beside him before she mumbled: "I'm more concerned about the fact that Master Jinn just left his padawan in a warzone without a second thought. He could at least have tried to help."
The jedi knight looked at his protégé for a second, contemplating her words, then let his eyes lock on Obi-Wan, who still had to say something. "Why did you never tell us, master?"
The jedi master pressed his lips into a grim line. "Would it have made a difference?"
Both padawans shared a side glance. "What? Of course, it would have made a difference, Obi-Wan! Maybe I would have understood you for once", Anakin burst out.
"Understanding what, Anakin? That I am not the perfect jedi of whom you think I am? That Qui-Gon maybe isn't that flawless hero you worshipped all the time?", Obi-Wan bit back, before his face contorted into a grimace of hurt. Averting his gaze, he let out a breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
An awkward silence fell between them. Anakin and Ahsoka were still studying their master's frame while the man in question seemed to stare at something in front of him.
It took Anakin a few minutes before he was calm enough to speak again.
"No", he shook his head, "it's alright. I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I'm sorry, master. You're right though, I don't know if I would have believed you that Master Jinn wasn't the man that saved me from Tatooine."
"I wouldn't have judged you for that", Obi-Wan huffed, "he was a different man when he was with you."
Noticing the silence that was threatening to overcome them again, Ahsoka spoke up.
"How long were you on Melida/Daan?"
"A little over a year, I think", Obi-Wan hummed in thought, "We didn't really keep track off the time."
"How come that you rejoined the order then?" Ahsoka knew that she was walking on thin ice, but she wanted to understand her grandmaster. If him and Anakin couldn't really speak about that openly, then at least she should give it a try. She wouldn't be able to fix the broken, but she could turn their relationship for the better. They were a family after all. And they should stick together. No matter what. Even if saying the truth might hurt.
Her grandmaster sighed. "Things were soon starting to turn sideways. None of us were trained soldiers, nor were we equipped to stand a chance against the Elders. We somehow managed to fend them of for a year, but then they finally broke into the underground system. As we were cornered and outmatched now, we had no choice but to run. I decided to call the jedi order for help again."
"And they send Master Jinn."
Obi-Wan nodded and smiled a little. "Sharp conclusions, Little One. But yes, he came and together we managed to settle the dispute. I accompanied him back to Coruscant afterwards where I was put on trial for disobeying my orders and breaking the code. Qui-Gon took me back as his padawan maybe two months later."
Anakin had fallen silent during their conversation, listening intently. The knight still didn't know what to make of that story.
"You still have that guitar Cerasi gave you?", he asked then.
Obi-Wan looked at him again. "Sadly, I do not. It was lost as we escaped from the undergrounds."
"Would you play for us if we organized one for you?" Anakin knew exactly where to get one. It would be nice if one actually brought the instrument to life for once.
"I could try, but I don't know if I still can. It's been a long time since I played guitar", he held out his trembling hands, "and then there's this issue."
"Master Che said she had an idea to help with that."
"Well, she didn't specify what it is yet, so I guess I'll have to find out tomorrow." Obi-Wan put his arms down again to let them rest in his lap.
Next to him still laid the commlink Master Che had given him. He shouldn't delay the call any further. Satine deserved to know and Obi-Wan really missed her too.
Ahsoka noticed how his eyes rested on the device and nudged Anakin lightly in the side.
'We should go, master. I think Master Kenobi still has something to settle', she sent over their bond.
Her master was confused for a moment, but then he followed Obi-Wan's gaze and it dawned on him. Satine, of course. Ahsoka's observation skills sometimes were really admirable.
Straightening his back, Anakin stood up from the chair. "I think we should go now, before Master Che throws out again."
Realizing that Anakin and Ahsoka must have noticed his absentness, Obi-wan quickly looked back at the master-padawan duo. "Oh, no… I must have gotten distracted. I'm sorry."
His former padawan smiled and led Ahsoka by her shoulder towards the door. "Don't worry we understand. Just say hello from me, will you?"
With that both left the room and Obi-Wan was alone again. He grabbed the commlink and held it in his hands. He should call her. He knew that. But he still didn't know what to say.
Sighing, Obi-Wan noticed that he was trying to postpone the call again. 'Pull yourself together, Kenobi.' He was going to call the woman he intended to marry, not his worst enemy.
With trembling hands he put in her frequency and started the call.