A/N: Beware the angst. Hope you enjoy.
Listening to the raised voices that were coming from the office a floor above them the members of the MCRT exchanged a slightly amused glance. If they'd thought that the arguing between Agent Gibbs and Director Shepard would have stopped simply because of their personal relationship, they would have been gravely mistaken. It was comforting, in a way, to know that they still fought just as much, and one Anthony DiNozzo secretly suspected that in some instances, it was their own form of foreplay.
None of the agents could make out the words, but the anger in their team leader's voice was unmistakable as they heard the door to Jenny's office open.
"You can't do this, Director."
"I assure you I can, and I am. It's time you remembered who runs this agency, Agent Gibbs, and here's a hint: it isn't you."
Ziva's eyebrows went up in surprise, and McGee turned his gaze to his computer, desperate to look busy. Only Tony kept his eyes on the stairs, following Gibbs as he made his way down them. When the team leader said his name, the Senior Field Agent jumped, trying to pretend he hadn't been listening, and he sheepishly met the eyes of the older man.
"Director's office," he barked, "Now."
Tony nodded, too concerned by the anger in Gibbs' hard eyes to make any kind of joke, and as he made his way swiftly up the stairs, Ziva gave him a small wave. Looking at the remaining members of his team, Gibbs shook his head, grabbing his jacket.
"Going for coffee."
Ziva and McGee both nodded to show that they'd heard him, and when he disappeared into the elevator, McGee looked at his friend seriously.
"What do you think is going on?"
Ziva shrugged.
"It does not look good for us, whatever it is."
Though he hoped not, McGee thought she was probably right. After all, she usually was.
"You wanted to see me, Director?"
Jenny nodded, gesturing for him to sit, and as he did, Tony couldn't help the way his eyes passed over her body. At twenty-four weeks, there was no hiding her pregnancy now, not that she had tried, and he gave her a cautious smile.
"Everything going okay?"
She nodded, touched by his question.
"Fine, though I didn't think it was possible for me to be even more tired than I already was. Now, the reason I've asked you here is not an easy one. Not for us, anyway. The FBI has requested that we loan you out to them to help them solve their latest case. It's a bit unorthodox, but your experience with Baltimore PD will be a great asset to them, and though Gibbs has protested and I hate to lose you for that long, I've agreed to the transfer. If something comes up here that we need you back for, we will absolutely bring you back, but until then, you'll report to Fornell. And if he gives you any grief, I want to be informed."
Tony was silent for a moment, and he looked up at her in confusion.
"Not that I'm not grateful for the opportunity, Jenny, but...you really think I can do this? I mean, working with the FBI is one thing, but working for them..."
Jenny smiled, nodding at him slowly. His eyes met hers, and there was no hidden emotions in her bright green irises, making him relax, even if slightly.
"DiNozzo, you've proven yourself to both this agency and myself more times than I can count. I have every confidence in the world that you can do this. I wouldn't have agreed to send you if I didn't think you were capable. Don't sell yourself short. You're not Gibbs' second-in-command for nothing."
She reached for his hand, her eyes on his reassuring him that he wasn't making a mistake, and she smiled again.
"You can do this, Tony. Go kick ass and take names."
Gibbs was noticeably absent as Tony was gathering his things from his desk, and while the younger man hadn't expected anything different, it still made him slightly sad. He swung his bag over his shoulder, giving McGee a firm handshake and clap on the back, holding out his hand to Ziva as soon as they'd moved away, and she smiled as she took it, her grip comforting.
"You've got this. Show them what you're made of."
He smiled.
"Thanks, Ziva."
Walking towards the elevator, he turned just before the doors opened, and when he was hugged from behind so hard that he nearly fell over, he frowned.
"Tony! You're not really leaving, are you?"
Turning to face the Goth, Tony gave her a smile, his eyes on hers.
"It's not forever, Abby. I'm just on loan. You don't really think Director Shepard would let them keep the best-looking guy in the building for good, do you?"
Abby laughed, hugging him again, and when she finally released him, he kissed her cheek gently.
"I'll call you every day if you want."
She nodded.
"You'd better," she said seriously.
He waved at Ziva and McGee one last time, and as Abby watched the doors slide shut, she frowned at the emptiness of the room.
"Where's Gibbs?"
Ziva nodded in the direction of the elevator.
"Went for coffee an hour ago. He's pretty angry."
Abby whistled, shaking her head slowly.
"I bet there was a big fight upstairs over that one."
McGee laughed.
"You have no idea."
The elevator chimed again, revealing the aforementioned silver-haired agent, and he didn't so much as glance at them as he stormed up the stairs. Ziva shook her head, her eyes following his movements, and when they heard Jenny's office door open again, she frowned.
"Looks like we're in for round two."
McGee nodded.
"Anyone bring any popcorn?"
The remark, reminding them all of Tony, lightened the atmosphere in a way that nothing else could have.
Jenny sighed inwardly as her door opened, and when she found herself facing a cup of coffee, she frowned. Gibbs was waiting for her to take it, looking at her with an expression she couldn't identify, and as her fingers closed around the cup, he sat down in the chair across from her desk.
"You're really doing this?"
She sighed.
"He's going to be fine. And it isn't permanent."
"He's my second-in-command, Jen."
"You have McGee. He'll take on DiNozzo's responsibilities, and everything will work out just fine. This is no different than when you left for Mexico. He was Senior Field Agent then, and he can do it again. Have some faith in him."
Gibbs shook his head.
"I don't like changes like this. Why didn't you ask me first?"
"And what would you have said? You would have told me to go to Hell, and then I would have done it regardless, making you hate me."
He frowned, confused by her thought process, and shook his head as he reached for her hand.
"I could never hate you. You know that. And I would never tell you to go to Hell."
Though she was slightly comforted by this, Jenny wasn't so sure. She knew all too well how easily Gibbs let his temper take control, and she shook her head again.
"Still, McGee's a good agent. He's proven himself more than capable over the years, and this will be good for his confidence."
"His confidence is fine."
Rolling her eyes, Jenny laughed quietly, though the sound was somewhat bitter.
"For an investigator, you really are unobservant sometimes. McGee does everything he can to follow the rules, hoping to gain your approval. Your praise. He wants you to be proud of him."
"Reminds me of you when you first started. Now look at you."
She smiled, though the exhaustion in her eyes dulled the effect, and as he stood, Gibbs leaned over the desk to kiss her cheek.
"You really should get some rest, Jen. You're exhausted."
He gave her a smile as he made his way to the door, and as she laid her head down on the desk, Jenny didn't even turn off the computer screen before closing her eyes and falling into a deep sleep.
Tony DiNozzo frowned as he returned from yet another coffee run, annoyed that this had been his primary job since being loaned to the FBI. Fornell knew his qualifications, knew what he was capable of, so why was he being treated like a glorified butler? As he handed the older man his cup, Fornell noticed the expression on his face, and looked at him in mock seriousness.
"Something wrong, DiNozzo?"
"Just curious as to why I'm getting coffee instead of helping you solve your case."
Fornell smiled.
"Because you're so good at it," he quipped.
Sighing, Tony sat down behind his borrowed desk, wishing that he was anyplace else. He tapped his fingers on the keyboard in irritation, wishing for anything that would send him back to his rightful place at NCIS. This was going to be the longest assignment of his life. He just knew it.
As soon as she opened her eyes, Jenny knew that something was wrong, and she frowned as she raised up from her position on the bed. Gibbs had gotten a call late that night, leaving her to sleep in their bed alone, and at first the redhead figured that had been what caused her to wake. After all, she always slept better when he was by her side, and it was such a commonplace occurrence now that it unnerved her to be in the bed by herself.
The dull pain in her abdomen that she'd been experiencing for the past two days had worsened, now much more pronounced, and while she wasn't normally one to panic over such things, she was in an entirely new situation. She'd never had to worry about a life other than her own in such a personal way before, and as she picked up her phone, she wasn't surprised to find her hands shaking.
"Hello?"
"Ducky, it's Jenny. Got a minute?"
"For you, my dear, I have as many as you'd like."
She smiled, but it soon disappeared at the sharp pain shooting through her body.
"I appreciate that. I know you're not an OBGYN, but...I'm a bit worried about something, and with it being so late, I wanted a medical opinion."
"Of course. What's concerning you?"
"Well, for two days now, I've been having some abdominal pain. It wasn't anything unbearable at first, so I didn't really think much of it. Now, it's really sharp, almost stabbing, and I'm starting to wonder if I should just go to the hospital."
"Have you noticed any bleeding?"
Jenny shook her head.
"I haven't looked, honestly. But I think it would have stood out to me if I had."
"And what does Jethro say about all of this?"
Sighing, Jenny leaned back on the pillows, trying to find a more comfortable position.
"He isn't here. Had a case."
"Since you asked, I believe it would definitely be in both your best interests and the baby's, to go to hospital. I'll drive you if you'd prefer, but this isn't something that should be ignored."
"Thanks, Ducky," she said, feeling relieved that her fears weren't completely irrelevant, "I really appreciate this."
"Anytime, my dear. I'll be there in ten minutes."
After hanging up the phone, Jenny reached out to pet Aries, who had snuggled up next to her during her conversation, and he looked up at her curiously.
"Don't tell anyone Aries, but Mommy is really scared."
He licked her hand reassuringly, and she smiled as she leaned down to kiss the top of his head.
"I love you, little monster."
By the time Ducky had arrived, Jenny's pain was so severe that she had difficulty walking, and as he led her to his beloved Morgan, she leaned on his arm heavily.
"You know, considering your middle name, this car is very fitting for you to ride in," he said, trying to calm her.
She gave him a fleeting smile, refusing to let go of his hand until he'd closed the door for her, and as he drove carefully through the dark streets, he glanced at her.
"Have you called Jethro?"
She shook her head.
"Sent him a text. Told him to call as soon as he could."
"Good. Try not to worry, my dear. I'm sure everything is fine."
As he pulled up to a stoplight, Jenny's phone began to vibrate, and when she put it to her ear, she felt Ducky reach for her hand and place a gentle kiss on the back.
"Shepard."
"You asked me to call?"
"I did. I'm on my way to Portsmouth now. I'm sure it—"
"What's wrong?"
She almost laughed at the way he was immediately on alert, but the situation was so serious that she didn't have the heart to.
"I'm sure it's nothing, but I've been having some abdominal pain, and I'm going to make sure that everything is progressing like it should be."
"Are you driving? That's not the safest—"
"No, Jethro," she assured him, "Ducky's with me. He's driving."
There was a brief pause, and Jenny could practically see him weighing all of his options in his mind before he spoke again.
"I'm on my way."
"Jethro, you—"
The click in her ear made her nearly throw her phone in frustration, but she supposed she should have expected it.
"He's on his way."
Ducky laughed, patting her knee reassuringly as he drove.
"I never expected anything less."
No, she hadn't really, either. And that knowledge was the most comforting thing she could have been given at that moment.
Having her blood drawn had always made Jenny nervous, but that night, her nervousness was overrode with a fear that had settled so deeply into her bones that she didn't feel anything else. Her every thought was focused on the baby, hoping and praying that she'd simply been overreacting, and when Dr. Blake returned to the room, his face was serious.
"Hello, Jenny. I do wish we were seeing each other again under better circumstances. What I'm about to tell you won't be easy for you to hear, but I want you to try to remain calm, okay?"
When she nodded, he looked at her, sitting down slowly.
"Long story short, you're in labour. This is an extremely early labour, even by premature delivery standards, and as such, we're going to need to prepare you for an emergency surgery. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear when you came in tonight, but I'm feeling very hopeful for a positive outcome. You did the right thing by coming in, and by addressing the problem early, that makes our chances better."
"What caused this?" she asked softly.
"Right now, it's difficult to determine the cause. When we've finished the surgery, we'll be able to run some tests, and hopefully then we can give you a better answer. I'm sorry I don't have one for you now."
He handed her the clipboard he'd been carrying, along with a pen, and as she signed the documents needed to give her consent, she felt her eyes filling with tears. Dr. Blake held her hand slightly longer than necessary when he shook it, giving her a sad smile.
"Try not to worry, okay? A nurse will be right in to take care of everything you need."
"Thank you," she whispered.
Just as he'd said, a nurse was in the room within seconds, and Jenny immediately recognised her as one of the nurses who had been present after the accident. That seemed a lifetime ago now, and when she heard rapid footsteps approaching, she didn't even glance up.
"Jen?"
His voice cut through the panic in her head, and her eyes shot up, locking on his. Gibbs was by her side in an instant, taking her hand in his, and he glanced at the nurse seriously.
"What's going on?"
Jenny shook her head.
"I—I don't know. I mean, I'm in labour, but I don't know how this happened."
He frowned, doing some quick math in his head.
"But...it's still—"
"I know," she said quietly, her grip on his hand tight.
"Agent Gibbs, I'm afraid we have to borrow Jenny for awhile. We'll keep you updated, and let you know as soon as you can see her and the baby."
Gibbs nodded, kissing her hard before he stood up, and his eyes stared into hers as though it were the last time he would ever see them.
"I love you."
She smiled.
"I love you, too. So much."
Gibbs absolutely hated hospitals. That much was common knowledge. The smell, the sounds, the feeling of time dragging on so slowly and the utter hopelessness that seemed to linger in the very walls...it was quite possibly one of his least favourite places to be. He couldn't bring himself to sit down, pacing the floor of the waiting room endlessly, and as he passed Ducky for the fifth time, the elder man shook his head.
"Jethro, would you please sit? This isn't helping Jennifer, and you're making me dizzy."
Gibbs glared at him, still pacing, and shook his head.
"I can't, Duck. What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Patience, Jethro. You'll know soon. And in these situations, the longer you wait, the better the results, in most cases. Things tend to go badly very quickly."
Though the younger man knew he was right, his mind refused to stop racing, and he ran his hand through his hair as he turned again.
"Agent Gibbs?"
He whipped around at the sound of Dr. Blake's voice, crossing the room with impressive speed, and looked at him seriously.
"Would you please come with me?"
Nodding, Gibbs gave Ducky one last glance before following the doctor, and as they walked down the hallway, Dr. Blake began to speak.
"Jenny's doing fine, the surgery went very well, and she's recovering as we speak, so—"
"What about the baby?"
"That's what I'm most concerned about. Your son's lungs were severely underdeveloped, as result of such a premature birth, and while this is common in a situation such as this, the outcome doesn't look good. We're doing everything we can, but I want you to be prepared for the worst. I've called you back here to give you some time to be with him and Jenny, but..."
"Is there any chance? At all?"
"It's highly unlikely, Agent Gibbs."
As the door of the room in front of him was pushed open, his heart began to race again, and when he found Jenny standing in front of the incubator, his breath caught in his chest. Her left hand gripped the side so tightly that her fingers were pure white, and her right lightly touched the baby's skin, as though she were afraid he would break.
"Jen?"
Neither one of them noticed when the door closed behind Dr. Blake, and Jenny didn't move as he walked closer, her eyes glued to the tiny baby in front of her. Gibbs stopped next to her, tears filling his eyes as he reached out to touch the baby, and he smiled weakly.
"He's beautiful," she whispered, "Our precious little Matthew."
"You were right," he answered softly, "and he's the most beautiful thing I've seen since Kelly was born."
A soft knock on the door made Gibbs turn, and when Ducky walked through the opening, he gave the younger man a sad smile.
"I hope you don't mind. I had to tell them that I was your father to be allowed back."
Gibbs shook his head.
"Not at all. You're more of a father to me than my real one. You deserve to be here."
Ducky peered into the incubator, smiling sadly at Jenny as she ran her fingers over Matthew's cheek.
"He's absolutely perfect, Jennifer."
Her eyes filled with tears, spilling over onto her face, and Ducky reached out to wipe them away, knowing she would never stop touching her son to do so.
"He is, isn't he? Ducky...why did this happen? I didn't have a difficult pregnancy, there was no indication that anything would go wrong..."
He hugged her in a way that she could still reach the baby, and kissed her cheek.
"Sometimes...sometimes shit happens, my dear. I wish I could give you an answer."
It was the first time Gibbs had ever heard the doctor swear, and had the situation not been so serious, he would have laughed. The monitor attached to Matthew began to sound, and Jenny's grip on the incubator tightened, her heart pounding in her chest. Seconds later, the door opened, and as the nurse began to check the signs, she turned to Gibbs seriously.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room. All of you."
Jenny shook her head, refusing to move, and Ducky placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Jennifer—"
"Don't touch me," she snapped, "I'm not going anywhere. This is my baby, I'm not leaving him alone here."
"Miss Shepard, I can't have you in here while we—"
"No. I'm not leaving."
Ducky looked to Gibbs, giving him a gentle push forward.
"Jethro, you have to."
Though there was nothing in the world he wanted to do less, Gibbs reached for Jenny's hand, prying her fingers loose from the incubator, forcing her to look at him.
"Jen, we can't be in their way."
Her tears fell faster as he attempted to pull her to the door, and she shook her head rapidly, hair sticking to her damp cheek.
"No, p-please," she whispered desperately, "Please...don't..."
He pulled her into his arms, leading her from the room as she collapsed against his chest, and when the door had closed behind them, she began sobbing so hard that Gibbs didn't even know how she could breathe. He held her as tightly as he could, tears of his own falling into her hair, and when Ducky placed his hand on his arm, Gibbs looked at him slowly.
"Jethro...Jennifer..."
Gibbs nodded once, and as the Scottish doctor walked down the long hallway, he didn't think his heart could break any more than it already had for the two people he loved like his own family.
It's probably safe to assume that there is a limit to the horrors that the human mind can experience before it completely shatters. That at some point, the mind reaches a line that, once crossed, it can never recover from. Words became meaningless, and time came to a sudden halt as Gibbs struggled to comprehend what had happened over the last few hours. He'd driven home in a daze, never really knowing how he'd made it there unharmed, and as he'd helped Jenny into the house, he didn't have the slightest clue of what was taking place.
Jenny said nothing as she made her way slowly to the bedroom, her eyes staring straight ahead, and it wasn't until he heard the door shut that Gibbs even realised she was no longer next to him. He pulled out his phone, calling Ducky, and as his friend's voice filled his ear, Gibbs took a deep breath.
"Jethro? What can I do to help?"
"Get DiNozzo back. We're taking time off, and we need him more than Fornell does. Call DiNozzo, tell him to get back to work, and if Fornell gives him any hell, he's to take it up with me."
"Of course. Give my love to Jennifer."
"I will. Thanks."
Gibbs hardly understood the words that came from his own mouth, and as he made his way into the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle of bourbon, not even bothering to bring a glass. There wouldn't be any liquor left in the bottle come morning anyway, so why dirty a glass needlessly?
Tony DiNozzo frowned at the sight of the Scottish doctor's name on the screen of his phone, and when he answered, his voice betrayed his confusion.
"Ducky? What's up?"
"You're reporting back to NCIS. Effective immediately."
"Why? Not that I'm not relieved, but what's going on? The Director made it sound like—"
"Gibbs and the Director are taking time off, and we need you back. If Fornell protests, he's to call Gibbs, but if I were you, I would advise him against it."
Tony took a long drink of his beer, trying to figure out what had caused this change in plans.
"Ducky, what happened? If Gibbs is taking time off, something must be really wrong."
Ducky sighed, and Tony was suddenly wishing he hadn't asked, very afraid of the answer he would get.
"Director Shepard went into early labour."
"Oh? That's great! He'll have more time to spend with—"
"They lost the baby, Anthony."
"Shit," Tony whispered, "What happened?"
"His lungs were severely weak, and there was nothing to be done. He held on for about an hour, they were able to see him and touch him, but..."
"God...poor Gibbs. And Jenny, damn, I can't even imagine what she's going through. Of course I'll take over. Tell them both how much I love them, and to take all the time they need."
Tony ran his hand through his hair slowly after he'd hung up the phone, and as he drained the last of his beer, he sighed. This hadn't been what he'd meant when he'd wished for anything to happen that would allow him to return to his proper office...
There was no rhyme or reason to the way that Leroy Jethro Gibbs went about getting drunk following the death of his son. He merely downed as much straight Kentucky bourbon as he possibly could, hardly pausing to take a breath, and as he drained the very last of the bottle he'd carried to the bedroom, he felt Jenny move beside him. He gave her a confused look when she left the room, but once she had returned with the second bottle, he understood.
She unscrewed the cap, tossing it to the ground, and when she raised it to her lips, he shook his head. He still had enough of his senses to remember that she wasn't supposed to drink, and he reached out to place his hand on her wrist.
"You shouldn't drink, it's bad for the—"
Just as he realised what he'd been about to say, Gibbs stopped, horrified blue eyes locking onto tear-filled green. Pulling her arm free, Jenny shook her head, speaking for the first time since they'd left the hospital.
"I just lost my baby, Jethro. I think I've earned this."
He nodded, saying nothing else as she swallowed the burning liquid, and when she began to cough, unused to the sensation, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. The coughing soon gave way to harsh sobbing, tearing from her chest as he held her, and she gripped the bottle tightly, not wanting it to shatter.
"Why?" she whispered, "Why did this happen? I did everything the doctors told me to do. What could I have done so wrong?"
"You didn't do anything wrong, Jen. These things just happen sometimes. It isn't right, and it hurts like hell, but they happen."
"It's not fair," she sobbed, falling into his arms, "Matthew didn't deserve this. None of us did."
"No, it's not fair," he answered, wiping his hand under his eyes, "and you're right, Matthew deserved the chance to live his life."
"I just—Jethro, I want my baby back," she whispered, her voice breaking.
"I know, Jen," he murmured into her hair, kissing her gently, "So do I."
Though they tried to keep it quiet, news of Matthew's death spread quickly through the offices of NCIS, and each time Tony DiNozzo overheard a hushed conversation on the matter, he took it upon himself to shut it down. The last thing Gibbs and Jenny needed was to return to the whispered gossip of their colleagues. Ducky had been the only person that had been allowed to enter the Gibbs-Shepard house in the direct aftermath, and as he grabbed his coat to leave the building, he was stopped by the Senior Field Agent.
"Hey, Ducky, are you heading out?"
The older man nodded.
"Yes. I'm going to check on Gibbs and our lovely Director."
"When you see them...make sure they know how much we love them."
Ducky smiled sadly.
"I will. Though I doubt anything will bring them much comfort now."
Tony nodded understandingly.
"Any word on the funeral?"
"Friday morning. It's already been arranged."
"Thanks, Ducky."
The doctor nodded, pulling his car keys from the pocket of his coat, and as he slid behind the wheel of his Morgan, he sighed. Nothing in the world would ease their pain, and it was breaking his heart to see it.
"God help me," he whispered as he put the car in gear.
The drive was short, and when he knocked softly on the front door, he wasn't surprised to find it unlocked. Though it was still early in the evening, the house was dark, and as he wandered through the eerily silent living room, Ducky frowned. He found Gibbs at the kitchen table, nursing a mason jar of bourbon, his hair disheveled, clothing rumpled, and when the former marine noticed him in the room, he glanced up slowly.
"Hey, Duck."
"Jethro. Have you eaten today?"
The younger man shrugged, and Ducky nodded. He hadn't expected any different, and he frowned as he glanced around the room curiously.
"Where's Jennifer?"
"Upstairs. Bedroom. Aries hasn't left her side."
"I imagine not. May I go up and see her?"
Gibbs nodded, and as he passed, Ducky placed his hand on his shoulder.
"I'll be right back."
The silent nod was his only answer, and as the doctor made his way up the stairs, he shook his head, the weight of the loss so heavy that he could almost physically touch it. The bedroom was even darker than the living room, and when Ducky's eyes finally located Jenny in the pile on blankets on the bed, they filled with tears. As Gibbs had said, Aries was sitting on the floor next to the bed, refusing to move even as the doctor took a step forward.
"Jennifer?"
She didn't move, but he could just make out the shine of her eyes in the darkness. He crossed the room carefully, not wanting to startle her, and sat down on the edge of the bed, his hand coming to rest on her hair.
"Have you eaten anything at all?"
She shook her head so slowly that he nearly missed it, and he ran his fingers through her tangled red hair.
"You have to eat something, my dear. I know this is hard, quite possibly the most difficult thing you've ever done, but you have to try."
Still, she stayed where she was, and Ducky reached out to pull the blankets back just enough that he could make out her face. Tear tracks stained her skin, made more apparent by the leftover mascara that had run, dark circles stood out prominently against her pale skin, and Ducky didn't think he'd ever seen her look as broken as she did now.
"Jennifer, I...there are no words to tell you how sorry I am for what happened, but...please. Don't give up. Not now. You need each other, you and Jethro. That's how you're going to make it through this. Together."
He leaned down, kissing her cheek lightly, and he ran his thumb under her eyes, wiping away some of the remnants of her makeup.
"I love you so much, my dear. And so does Jethro. More than anything else in the world. Don't ever forget that."
There was no indication that she'd comprehended or even heard the words he'd said, and though he would have said it wasn't possible, Ducky felt his heart break with each passing moment for the woman in front of him. He kissed her cheek one final time before leaving the room, and as he walked back down into the kitchen, he took a deep breath for composure.
"Jethro?"
The younger man raised his eyes from where they had been staring into the depths of his bourbon, and Ducky made his way closer.
"I'll come by on Friday to check on things before the service. As long as Jennifer seems capable of handling it, there should be no issue with her attending."
Gibbs nodded, his eyes hazy from unshed tears and alcohol.
"I don't know if you've noticed, but Jennifer isn't speaking. I don't even know if she truly knows where she is. I can't even imagine what you're both going through, but—"
"Do you know what the last thing she said to me was?" Gibbs said suddenly, his voice dull.
"No. What was it?"
"She said, "Jethro, I want my baby back". Do you know how hard it was to hear that and know that there was nothing I could do? I can't bring Matthew back, and nothing is ever going to change that."
His voice broke, and as his tears began to fall, Ducky made his way closer, placing his hand on his shoulder. Gibbs stood suddenly, his eyes so lost and heartbroken that the older man wrapped him in a hug so tight that it was almost painful. As the sobs racked his body, Ducky wondered if there was any way that he could physically hold the younger man together, or even if he would be able to help pick up the pieces as they shattered.
On the morning of the funeral, Ducky arrived at the Gibbs-Shepard house two hours before the visitation was meant to start to assess the situation. Jenny wandered the house like a ghost, speaking to no one, and while Gibbs wanted nothing more than to hear her voice, he knew there was nothing either of them could say that would ever make this right. She was still dressed in the clothing she'd managed to pull on two nights prior, and when Ducky led her to the couch, she didn't fight him.
"Jennifer, if you need help, I would be more than willing to do so."
She merely looked at him, as though she'd never seen him before, and when she stood to make her way up the stairs, he frowned.
"Are you alright, my dear?"
She nodded distantly, and when Gibbs passed her on the steps, he looked after her in concern.
"You sure this is a good idea?"
Ducky sighed.
"I'll give her a mild sedative. Luckily, I came prepared for this very occurrence."
He reached into his bag, pulling out the orange pill bottle, and as he disappeared up the steps, Gibbs found that his hands were shaking too badly to button his suit jacket. How had this gone so terribly wrong so fast?
When Jenny walked down the stairs an hour later, dressed in a simple black dress, black heels, and a black jacket, Ducky looked over her seriously. Her ability to dress herself had been the final test to see if she could cope well enough to handle the service, and he had decided that, despite the shaking in her hands, she would be fine. Her bright green irises were glazed from the sedative, and her movements were slow, but that was to be expected. She was stoned, yes, but her eyes had lost that thoughtful look of haunted madness that had so frightened the doctor when he'd first seen her.
Gibbs wrapped his arm around her waist as he led her to the car, and as he helped her into the back seat, he kissed her gently. It had already been decided that Ducky would drive, none of them trusting either Gibbs or Jenny to be in the right frame of mind to operate a vehicle, and when the car began to move, Gibbs laid his head against the window. Ducky glanced at them both periodically as he drove, more for his own peace of mind than theirs, and as they finally reached the small funeral home, he had never felt his age more than he did then.
The entire MCRT was waiting for them when they arrived, and though that morning Gibbs would have told anyone who asked that he didn't want them there, he was profoundly grateful to see them now. Abby was the first to hug them both, tears falling from her eyes as she pulled Jenny into her arms, and for once Ducky was thankful for the younger girl's high emotions. It kept her from noticing that Jenny hadn't even responded to her embrace, and as she moved away, the Scottish doctor smiled sadly.
"Maybe we should head inside. It's quite cold out here."
They all made their way to the entrance, Gibbs holding Jenny's hand as he led her to the door, and when she stopped just before crossing the threshold, he frowned.
"Jen?"
There was something building behind her eyes that he didn't like, not at all, and just as he was preparing to ask her if she wanted to leave, Tony walked up behind her, his hand at the small of her back. He leaned down close, his voice low enough that only Jenny could hear, and Gibbs watched her carefully for a reaction.
"You can do this, Jenny," Tony whispered, "You're our fearless leader, and we love you so much."
Blinking slowly, the redhead finally nodded, allowing Gibbs to lead her inside, and as they walked closer to the main room, he tried to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to see.
It wasn't enough. No amount of preparation would have ever been enough. Not for this.
There is nothing quite as heartbreaking as the sight of a coffin that was made for a child. No more than four feet long, covered in so many flowers that he couldn't even see the bottom, and yet, it was still the most horrific sight he had ever beheld. Jenny drifted towards it as though underwater, and when she finally stopped, Gibbs was right by her side, her hand held tightly in his. Her free hand brushed lightly over the polished wood, and he wasn't at all surprised to see the tears falling from her eyes.
They had opted for a closed casket, for more reasons than one, and as each member of his team made their way closer to pay their respects, Gibbs blinked slowly. In his head, he could hear a random announcer, as though he were watching a film screen, and he shook his head.
Step right up, come on down, you're the next contestant on The Price Is Right!
Though he knew it was completely absurd and inappropriate, he still had to bite back his laughter, and he dimly wondered if this was what it was like to go mad. Tony was the last one to approach them, and when he pulled Jenny into his arms, the team leader felt a new wave of respect for the younger man. Jenny clung to him like a lifeline for a long moment, her body shaking as she cried, and when they finally stepped away, Tony gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek.
The service was short, with few words said (after all, what is there to say about a life so briefly lived?), and when they filed out into the cold air of the morning, Gibbs refused to relinquish his hold on Jenny's hand. She stayed so close to his side that he could feel her shaking, and as they made their way back to Ducky's Morgan, the team leader found himself wondering how such a terrible event could take place on such a beautiful sunny day.
Jenny had fallen asleep on the drive back from the cemetery, a result of grief, the sedative still lingering in her blood, and pure exhaustion, her body curled up in the back of Ducky's car. Gibbs didn't even hesitate as he lifted her into his arms, his eyes picking up on the fresh tears that had fallen even in her sleep, and as he made his way to the front door, Ducky called his name.
"Jethro...if you need anything..."
"I know, Duck. Thanks."
He carried Jenny into the house, kicking the door shut as quietly as he could, and as Aries followed them up to the bedroom, he suddenly felt more exhausted than he had in his entire life. Placing the sleeping redhead carefully on the mattress, he covered her with a blanket before preparing to go back down to the basement to drink his pain away. After all, he'd buried his son today. He'd damn well earned the right to drown his sorrow.
"Jethro?"
Her voice was soft, thick with sleep and tears, but it was the only thing that could have prevented him from walking away. He turned, meeting her eyes as he stood by the door, and waited for her to speak again.
"Stay with me. Please?"
He nodded, crossing the room in three steps, and as he laid beside her in the bed, he held her as close to him as he could, his face buried in her hair.
"I love you, Jethro," she whispered.
He kissed her hair, tears dripping onto the long red strands, and fought to keep his voice from breaking.
"I love you too, Jen. And we're gonna make it through this. I promise."
In truth, he had no idea just how they would make it through, but he was clinging desperately to the thin thread of hope he could still feel. It was all he had, and for now, it would have to be enough.
A/N: Don't hate me! I did warn you.