Disclaimer: contains mentions of self-harm.
Ryan pulled back immediately, staring at the boy in front of him. His brain was struggling to keep up with the rollercoaster of events that seemed to happen whenever he and Thomas interacted. One minute the guy was shouting about how much of a jerk Ryan was, and the next he was bloody kissing him. What the hell was happening? Thomas looked guilty, humiliated, angry. Ryan hadn't meant to pull back so abruptly.
"Right," concluded Thomas softly, already turning to leave. "I get it. I'm sorry."
"Wait-" Ryan had no intention of letting Thomas leave. Not now. But he didn't trust himself to speak, so he did the only thing he could think of doing, and he kissed Thomas back.
Neither boys pulled away this time. Ryan couldn't believe he was finally kissing the boy he'd been obsessing over for months, and all he could think was... why hadn't he done this sooner? Thomas's lips were soft, and sweet. And Ryan felt different being close to Thomas than he had with Lucas. With Lucas, Ryan had wanted him because he'd wanted to fool around with someone who wasn't a stranger. And he could feel that Lucas was basically on the same wavelength. They had a connection, but it was purely physical. At the end of the day, they didn't want to do the relationship stuff that came between the sex stuff. Their date had been awkward; they didn't even walk home together afterwards; they texted when they could have met face to face. Ryan wanted Thomas because... Thomas was Thomas. He wanted to hold hands with him, watch a film with him, learn about his interests and dream about travelling the world together.
Ryan had never felt this way about anyone. It was weird. Like a villain who'd finally developed morals. Or in his case, a depressed kid who hated people, and then unwillingly finds out that some people didn't suck as much as he thought they did. It was disgusting.
The two came to a natural stop and pressed their foreheads together.
"So..." murmured Ryan. "You wanna catch a film some time?" Thomas laughed breathlessly.
"Sure. I'd like that."
Ryan was sitting on the swing chair when Charlie walked up to him. He didn't quite register her appearance.
"Hey," she greeted. "You've been out here a while."
"Mhm. Just thinking..."
"About what?" Thomas. Of course. It had been a day since the kiss and Ryan was still caught up on it. They'd texted a few times since, but weren't planning on meeting up again until school on Monday. Ryan tried to decide whether or not to tell Charlie; he was in two minds about it but he thought he might as well. She'd find out eventually.
"Thomas and I kissed..."
"What?!" Charlie was predictably shocked, and her reaction made Ryan jump.
"Christ, Charlie, keep your voice down." But Charlie was too excited to take much notice.
"When?! Where?!"
"Yesterday. Over there." He pointed at the trees where the bench was hidden.
"But I thought you two had fallen out."
"Yeah well... apparently not."
"Duuude." Ryan laughed a little. "Wait, but what about Lucas?"
"What about him?"
"Weren't you two a thing?"
"Hardly." Ryan had texted Lucas this morning. Although he wasn't sure where he was at with Thomas right now, he'd thought it would be best if he broke it off with Lucas. He'd been thinking about it anyway, even before Thomas had kissed him, so he'd decided he might as well get it over and done with. Lucas had taken it surprisingly well. He'd said he had been having second thoughts as well so he wasn't too upset. They'd agreed to just remain friends. All in all it had gone as well as Ryan had hoped.
"So does that mean you and Thomas are a thing?" Asked Charlie, her eyes brightening again.
"I don't know, it was just a kiss." Ryan was certainly feeling conflicted. He really wanted to go out with Thomas but his assertion that nothing could happen between them for fear of being outed still stood, so he wasn't sure where to go from here.
Just then, a few of the others came outside to play basketball, Alex, Finn and Chloe. Ryan didn't want them nosing so he stood up and walked back to the house. Charlie followed behind him, but stayed in the kitchen and let him go upstairs alone. He wanted to text Thomas.
Monday was relatively uneventful. The only difference was that Thomas and Ryan greeted each other with a smile rather than a scowl. They talked in front of the gate before the bell rang. It was mainly small talk- 'how was your weekend?' 'Fine, how was yours?' 'I watched a film.' 'What film?' And so on. But it wasn't awkward, not really. Ryan hated small talk, but right now he was happy enough to stand here, in the damp and chilly morning air, chatting about films. At least for once he and Thomas weren't arguing. It was nice.
They met up again at lunchtime in the library. Ryan didn't read anything, he just sat on his phone, but he liked the quiet, and he liked sitting next to Thomas, who was engrossed in a book. It looked long and boring. Ryan preferred graphic novels, but there weren't any in this library, so he settled for his headphones and a YouTube video. He missed being able to smoke outside, but it wasn't anything pressing. He was just happy to sit here in silence. It was a comfortable silence.
The day after was not so silent. It was chaotic, and Ashdene Ridge was buzzing, and Ryan tried desperately to avoid it. Mike was taking everyone on a day out to some theme park, and it was all anyone had been able to talk about.
Ryan was not allowed to go. He was grounded for breaking the neighbour's greenhouse with a cricket bat and a badly aimed cricket ball. Ordinarily, Mike would have accepted that it was an accident and Ryan would have been let off with a warning and a threat that the damage was coming out of his pocket money. But this was Ryan. So Mike assumed that it wasn't an accident, and Ryan had thus lost theme park privileges and had to stay home with May Li as a punishment.
To Ryan, this was all part of the plan. The cricket ball had in fact been aimed perfectly. As much as Ryan disliked proving Mike right, of course breaking the greenhouse wasn't an accident. Ryan hated theme parks. The lights, the noise, the crowds. They were all too much for his anxiety to handle. Besides, he didn't want to be forced to interact with the others, and he definitely didn't want to interact with Mike. So he got himself in trouble, knowing full well that one wrong move from him would warrant a grounding and he'd be forbidden from going. Now, Ryan had to stay in his room all day in an empty house. If anything, it was a reward.
By the early afternoon, the house was empty, except for May Li making phone calls in the office. Ryan was on his bed watching TV on his laptop, and speaking to Thomas on his phone.
"So you really just broke your neighbour's greenhouse?" Thomas asked in disbelief. Ryan had told him the whole story, and Thomas was much more amused by it than Ryan had been expecting. He had expected some sort of telling off along the lines of 'you-can't-just-damage-a-person's-property'. But Thomas was more impressed at Ryan's aim than anything.
"Yeah, I mean... they're probably used to it by now. A kid who used to live here, Dexter, he did the same thing. His actually was an accident though." Just then, May Li knocked on the door and Ryan had to quickly hang up. "Hang on!" He called to her as he told Thomas he'd ring him back. May Li came in and informed him that she needed to run some errands.
"I'll be out for a few hours. I trust you won't do anything stupid." She said in a voice that suggested that if he did do anything stupid he wouldn't be allowed out of his room until his 17th birthday. He wasn't too worried though; May Li was much more lenient towards him than Mike was. As long as he didn't set the house on fire, he'd probably be alright. He put his hands up and said he'd be fine. May Li gave a vaguely worried nod and shut the door behind her. Ryan waited a few minutes for the front door to slam, and once it did he rushed over to the window to see off May Li's car. As soon as it was safely in the distance, he called back Thomas.
"Hey, so... May Li had to leave. You wanna come over?"
The doorbell rang, and Ryan jumped up to answer it. Thomas was looking good today. He had on a jacket, and his hair was all swept back from the wind. He offered a lopsided grin as a greeting.
"Hello there," said Ryan, moving aside so Thomas could enter. Thomas looked around as if he'd never been inside before.
"Nice place you've got here," he observed jokingly.
"Thanks, bought it with my own money," replied Ryan, playing along. "Wanna go up?" Thomas nodded and followed Ryan upstairs. When they entered Ryan's bedroom, Thomas looked around for real, seeing if anything had changed. Nothing really had. Ryan wasn't one to put up posters regularly. Nearly all the ones he had were put up when he first arrived, three years ago.
"Wanna watch something?" Ryan asked. Thomas replied by lying down on the floor in front of the laptop- Ryan had moved it there for a change of scenery. "You can sit on the bed if you want."
"Nah, I'm alright." Ryan lay down next to him and turned his computer on. An episode of The Office was an pause; Ryan rewound it back to the beginning, and the two watched in silence.
Halfway through the show, like at Lucas's, the two started to get closer, and it wasn't long before they were kissing.
It was like their first kiss: to Ryan it just felt... right. This time though, they both knew what they were doing. They were aware of each other and they knew what they wanted.
Soon they moved to the bed, their hands on each other, prying off shirts and undoing buttons and belts. Ryan felt almost urgent; it scared him how much he wanted Thomas. He felt vulnerable. But it was a feeling he squashed down for now, focusing only on the boy who was, frankly, right on top of him. Ryan kissed Thomas's lips, and cheek and chin and neck. It was all rather a blur. Ryan could feel Thomas's hands on him, but he was more focused on where he put his own hands.
He barely noticed Thomas's fingers getting nearer to his wrist.
Suddenly, Thomas stopped. Ryan opened his eyes in confusion. He looked over, and froze. Thomas was staring down at Ryan's wrist, lightly running his fingers over it. Over them. The scars.
They were almost invisible now, nothing but faint white lines. He didn't even know how Thomas had spotted them. Ryan turned his wrist so the scars were facing the bed. He didn't want Thomas to look at them any more than he had to.
"Why would you-" Thomas began, but Ryan cut him off.
"They're old. Don't worry about it." Thomas sat up and stared at him.
"Don't worry about it? But Ryan, they're-"
"No, just don't. Please. I don't want to talk about it." Thomas turned himself so he was sitting at the edge of the bed. Ryan sighed, sensing that the mood had been ruined beyond repair. He put his jacket back on and subconsciously fiddled with the sleeves. The silence was unbearable.
"I haven't done it for years," Ryan admitted, reluctantly opening up a topic he hoped he'd never have to talk about with anyone.
"Really?" Asked Thomas, a little optimistically.
"Really." Asserted Ryan. He wanted to reassure Thomas, as well as put an end to their conversation, so he certainly wasn't going to reveal that he was technically lying. It was true that he hadn't cut for years; it was too visible and he didn't want his care workers finding out and forcing him into therapy. So he self-harmed in much more discreet ways. He went days without food so he eventually couldn't sleep for the pain of it, and he'd tell himself over and over again that he deserved it. He still did it to this day. He couldn't stop himself. Charlie had tried, but she didn't know the full extent. No one did.
"So... you're okay now? Really okay?" Ryan took a moment to answer, then plastered a small smile on his lips that he hoped was convincing.
"Yeah, I'm okay." Thomas smiled back, relieved. A second passed, and Thomas shifted his focus elsewhere. Ryan, who was naturally distracted, only vaguely registered Thomas look over at the doorway and knit his eyebrows together in a puzzled expression.
"I thought that door was closed," he said.
"Hm?" Ryan followed his gaze and sure enough, the door was open just a crack. Ryan didn't think much of it, though he was surprised he hadn't instinctively shut the door behind him.
"I guess we didn't," he responded. "Doesn't matter, there's no one in."
"They'll be back soon though, won't they? I should probably leave." Ryan was certainly disappointed. It seemed like every time he was about to get somewhere with a guy, something would swoop in and interrupt them. So they had to stop. It was a nightmare. He'd have to finish it off himself, at night, in bed, with his laptop. It wasn't as good.
"Yeah, okay."
"This was nice though... apart from the... uh..."
"Yeah, it was good."
"You are definitely okay though, aren't you?" Thomas was stood up near the doorway and he looked so genuinely concerned that Ryan felt guilty about how much he was keeping from him. But it was for Thomas's own good. He didn't need to be burdened with Ryan's stupid problems. Ryan could deal with them himself, while Thomas could remain in blissful ignorance.
"Definitely. I'm okay. I promise."
May Li got back around half an hour before the others. She checked on Ryan, asked if he needed anything, and then went back into the office. Ryan had basically just stayed in his room, and when he heard the front door open and dozens of voices floating through the walls, he felt himself close in on himself, as was usual when everyone was around him. He didn't go downstairs, and instead waited for Charlie to visit him and tell him how her day was, and ask questions about his day, to no avail: his only answer was "it was fine."
She excitedly burst open the door as expected a few minutes later, holding a tiny toy teddy bear. She thrust her arm out so the bear was in Ryan's face.
"I won this for you!" She announced with a proud look on her face. Ryan took the bear in his hand and stared at it with a smile. It had a little green bow tie.
"Don't you want to keep it?" He asked.
"Nah, I won something bigger. Turns out I'm great at mini basketball. Anyway, you can call him whatever you want, but I already named him Roo."
"Roo? Like kangaroo?"
"No, duh. Like Teddy Roosevelt. You know, like the president in Night at the Museum."
"Ah, of course." Ryan placed the bear on his bedside table, which made Charlie's smile even wider. Just then, Sasha came into the room.
"Charlie, May Li's looking for you."
"Oh, okay." Charlie left quickly, and Sasha turned to follow, but before she did, she turned to Ryan and stared at him in a way that felt unnerving. Sasha always had it out for him, so he didn't think much of the look, but he still didn't like it. He glared at her until she left without a word.
That night, Ryan felt himself slipping into another episode. He'd felt relatively out of it all day. Thomas had been a slight distraction but that hadn't ended great. By the time he was in bed, he felt nothing but a squeezing in his chest, and he stared blankly at the ceiling. He prepared for a painfully long, sleepless night, and he started out by counting. He usually did this when he was overthinking something to the point of an anxiety attack and he needed to calm himself down with a distraction. This time he was trying to prevent that from happening in the first place.
It worked for the first 100 numbers, then his brain got bored and started wandering in different directions.
103... 104... your scars are still visible. What if someone else has seen them and they're not telling you?... 105...106...107... and now Thomas thinks you're all screwed up, and he's going to worry about you... 108...109... you fucking idiot, you've tricked him into caring about you... 111... no, 110... one hundred and... first you drag Charlie down... 113... now you drag Thomas down, are you that selfish?... SHUT UP... they don't want to deal with your fucking problems... just shut up...
His mind was becoming too chaotic and it was starting to make him panic. He got out of bed and walked over to the window. He wasn't going out this time, he didn't have the energy, he couldn't face it. So he just opened the window, climbed out, and sat on the outside windowsill, letting the cold air sting his arms and face. He ran his fingers over his writsts absentmindedly, just thinking. He just sat there and breathed. He didn't go back in until he realised just how cold he was; he couldn't feel his hands. He stepped inside and quietly shut the window. The clock on his desk read 12:01 am. He'd been out there nearly an hour, which surprised him a lot, but then... he always lost track of time.
His bed was warm, more comfortable than it had been an hour ago. He fell asleep at around 1am.
By Friday, Ryan was feeling a little better. He'd even had the motivation to get into an argument with Sasha. It got pretty heated, even to the point where Mike had to intervene. Sasha had accused Ryan of stealing some of her paint supplies. Ryan denied it, asking what the hell he needed paint supplies for, and Sasha responded by saying that he hadn't needed them, he'd just stolen them out of spite. It then started to escalate more and more.
"You're a thief, Ryan! You've always been a thief! If anything goes missing around here it's always you!"
"You mean it's always me that's accused! I haven't gone near your damn art supplies. It's not like you need them anyway, your art's rubbish." This wasn't true, her art was actually very good, but Ryan would never admit that to her. Especially not now.
"Wow, real low blow, what's wrong with you, psycho!"
"Shut up." Sasha smirked, knowing she had struck a nerve.
"Psycho!"
"Shut up!"
"Hey, break it up!" Mike was standing between them, his brows furrowed in anger. "I thought the days of you two arguing were over."
"Not my fault he's a thief-" yelled Sasha from behind Mike's outstretched arm.
"I'm not a thief!"
"He stole my art supplies!"
"I didn't!"
"Enough!" The two fell silent and Mike exhaled loudly. "Ryan, did you take Sasha's supplies?"
"No." Mike looked at him. Ryan looked squarely back.
"Are you sure? If you tell the truth now, it will be better for you in the long run."
"I didn't. Take them." Mike sighed and turned to Sasha.
"I have to take his word for it," he said in an almost disappointed voice.
"Why? You know he's lying," encouraged Sasha, infuriating Ryan.
"I'm not lying."
"You two'll have to work it out yourselves," Mike concluded, walking back to the office and leaving Ryan and Sasha to glare at each other.
Ryan went back to his room fuming. He didn't take the damn supplies. He was too busy dealing with his fucking depression to give a shit about Sasha's stuff. He kicked the side of his desk out of frustration and stayed in his room for the rest of the day. He was sulking.
Ryan awoke the next day feeling, thankfully, less angry. He knew Sasha wouldn't let it go, but he didn't care. She was stubborn, but she had nothing on him. Let her waste her time. But he knew she'd be on him the second she saw him, yelling at him, interrogating him, throwing around accusations and probably getting the others involved. The idea didn't help his motivation to get up.
His phone chimed. He picked it up as it chimed once more.
Good morning :) said the the first text.
Wanna meet up later?
They were from Thomas. Ryan smiled.
Sure. Skatepark later?
Yh, around 3?
3 sounds good.
:)
Ryan slipped his phone into his pocket and got up. He changed his shirt and ran a hand through his hair. It needed trimming, although he thought it looked alright. Maybe he should grow it out?... He'd ask Charlie.
Not even 30 seconds later he ran into her on the landing. He expected a bright greeting from her but all he got was a very worried look.
"What's wrong?" He asked. Charlie hesitated.
"It wasn't me. I swear I didn't say anything." Ryan stared at her in confusion.
"What are you talking about?"
"Everyone knows. They know you're gay."
Author's Note: Welcome back to: me not knowing how to use asemi colon. Anyway, I published this earlier than I thought I would, because for some reason I found the motivation to write. Fun! Hope you liked it! And sorry if the break up with Lucas seemed rushed. It wasn't that it was rushed it was more... Lucas was so much of a side character that he didn't really need a whole plot surrounding him, if that makes sense. But idk, tell me how you feel.
Also, my handling of self harm wasn't as in depth or as serious as I wanted it to be, but this is because the story is from Ryan's perspective, and he is the type of person to downplay his self-harming. Furthermore, this isn't the only chapter I'm going to handle it in, nor is it the main one. There'll be a later chapter where Ryan does talk to Thomas about it, and I'll have more of a chance to explore it better.
Also also, after this chapter I'm not going to be replying to reviews in the author's notes. I'd rather PM my replies because then I can do it as soon as I get a review, and it doesn't hold up the publishing time. I hope that's okay!
But right now, I have reviews to reply to!
DarkHeart945- first of all, loving the Casual Affair reference. Second of all, I'm glad you like Lucas! I quite like him too, although I can't say I'm too invested in his character. I'M SORRY RYAN RECIPROCATED THE KISS! But, technically him and Lucas aren't together. They went on a date and made out, but they weren't an item. At least, I don't think they were, so it wasn't... too much cheating... if that makes sense. But idk, there was really nothing else I could do. If Ryan hadn't reciprocated it could have taken another whole chapter for them to get together and no one wants that. At least he broke it off with Lucas pretty quickly after. Anyway, thanks for the review!
CharlieSMarts12- Hey! I loved your review so much! Thank you for saying it was well thought through, I appreciate it, cos I do put a lot of effort into making sure there are as little plot holes as possible. And yeah don't worry, I never planned for Lucas to be a major love interest, he was more just a crush than anything, but I enjoyed writing the backstory for him and Ryan. Gave me a chance to write a bit about Carmen. And true, we never see how Ryan reacts with someone he's in a relationship with so he could be completely in character. And yay, the kiss finally happened! Awkward and slightly humorous, just the way Ryan's life goes. Anyway, thank you again for the review, it was really nice!
Justice237- Yeah tbh I didn't expect to like Lucas too much either, but I'm glad I managed to make him relatively likeable. Hopefully not too likeable though, since he's not going to be important in later chapters. He may not even make any more appearances. Don't worry. I tried to make sure that there was no stringing along, cos I didn't want that either. Haha yup, the Tyan dynamic is back, and yeah I think Ryan realised the only way to deal with Thomas is just to be honest. Not his forté but I think he manages it. Sorry for making you miss Newcastle! I've never been, but I have family that lives pretty near it, so I have an idea of the atmosphere. And I will definitely keep in mind Coffee Trader. Might make an appearance soon! Yes I did not know that was all a DEH reference but now that I know that it is... I seriously have to watch that show cos it sounds amazing. Anyway, thanks for the review! It was awesome!
Linneagb- that's okay for reviewing late, I mean I'm no one to talk about timing, I publish like once every six months. And crap, sorry you liked Lucas so much, I'm afraid Lyan doesn't end up being a thing (Lyan is a good ship name, sounds like Lion). Hopefully you'll end up back on the Thomas train? But thank you for your review!