A/N - I spent way too much time this morning online shopping and was reminded that it's almost December! I'm already counting down the days the the Holiday Story Fest so if you haven't already, go check out the forum (topic/230191/182532169/1/#182585374) and suggest a prompt or claim a prompt (or two) or just chat! And make sure to mark December 20th on your calendar for a ton of fun holiday reading! xoxo - tmtcltb

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Chapter 11 - Playing it Safe

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Andrea was breathing heavily when Kara opened the door, loaded down with an infant carseat, infant, diaper bag, purse, small bouncy chair, and a paper bag filled with what Kara hoped was lunch. Rescuing Liam before he ended up flat on his face, Kara wished that she had offered to grab the food herself, despite the fact that doing so would have meant violating a direct order from Captain Mike Slattery. Clearly Andrea had enough to manage without having to make an extra stop on her way over.

As though reading Kara's thoughts, Andrea nodded towards the bag. "I got Pad Thai. One of the benefits to knowing the owner is that they run it out to the car. Liam slept through the entire thing."

"A good person to know," Kara teased, unlatching Liam from his carseat. She couldn't help but smile as he reached out a pudgy hand to try to grab at her hair. "Thank you for picking it up."

Andrea began to dig through her mountain of supplies. "I see that you got rid of your mother."

"Thank god," Kara groaned. "She was here for days. And all she wanted to talk about was Danny and weddings."

"Weddings?" Andrea actually turned around, eyebrows almost at her hairline.

Realizing that she sounded as if Debbie was planning Kara's wedding - presumably to Danny - Kara quickly clarified. "Yeah, she and Peter are engaged. It's weird. They've been together for so long that I got used to them just being a couple. But now they want to make it official and Debbie is planning her dream wedding." Turning her focus to Liam, Kara began bouncing him, letting his little feet and legs push against her lap. "Hello little man. You remember Auntie Kara, don't you? Don't you?"

As if on cue, the baby began to gurgle and smile. A bit of ticking around Liam's fat little neck and Kara even managed to draw a giggle. It was mildly disconcerting how much the child looked like Tex, the same wrinkly forehead and mischievous smile. But the shock of red hair that stuck straight up from his head was all Andrea. Looking up, Kara smiled at her friend. "I swear that he's double the size he was before I left."

"Tex claims that I'm feeding him buttermilk." Andrea rolled her eyes, but Kara could see the satisfaction on her friend's face as she looked at her healthy little boy.

Gazing down at the giggling child, Kara felt a sting as she recalled how thoroughly her own body had betrayed her in that respect. And, for the briefest of moments, she had a twinge of something almost like envy. Not because Andrea had Liam - if anyone deserved to have a healthy and happy baby, it was Andrea and Kara had never felt otherwise. No, this envy was about something very different. About the fact that, even at forty-five, Andrea could still support new life. Not only carrying Liam for the full nine months, defying all expectations, but apparently also producing the breastmilk equivalent of butter.

Immediately following the thought came the guilt. Because what Kara went through didn't even come close to Andrea's own experience. Which, strangely enough, made Andrea the person most likely to understand exactly how Kara felt right now. An inexplicable combination of joy for her friend, and heartache for herself.

xxxxx

Kara knocked on the door again. "Andrea! It's Kara! Are you there?"

From the moment that Tex called to ask if she had talked to Andrea recently, explaining that she hadn't responded to his calls or texts for days, Kara had known that something was horribly wrong. A quick stop at Andrea's office revealed that the engineer had called out sick for the past two days and, in fact, missed an important all-hands meeting. But it was only after Russ mentioned Lily's birthday that Kara made the connection. Next week would have been Lily's seventeenth birthday, the fifth anniversary of her death only weeks later. Even Mike seemed concerned when Kara popped by to explain that she was leaving work early to check on Andrea, asking her to update him later that evening.

"Andrea?" Kara called again. "I just want to make sure that you're okay."

Another few moments passed before the door creaked open to reveal Andrea - who was a wreck. Wearing ratty sweatpants that Kara strongly suspected belonged to Tex and a sweaty t-shirt, Andrea looked as though she had not slept in days. Her hair fell lanky around her face, dark circles under her eyes, and there was some sort of food smeared across her shoulder. Frankly, Andrea hadn't looked this badly during the damn vaccine trial. Kara couldn't help a gasp. "Go lie back down. I'm going to call Rios."

"No, no," Andrea murmured, although she did turn and head back into the house.

Kara followed her, searching for Timothy's number, caught by surprise when Andrea took the phone away before she could make the call. "Kara, stop. I don't need Rios to tell me what's wrong with me."

"Then what?" Kara asked, feeling herself grow cold. It took a lot to shake Andrea and whatever put her into this state would have to be really, really bad. Tex would have known if something had happened to Kat, and either Mike or Russ would have known if there had been a catastrophe, like losing a carrier. The only other explanation that Kara could come up with involved a fatal illness. Kara had already lost so many friends, she couldn't fathom losing Andrea as well.

Andrea sighed, hand rising to pinch her nose, before she sank back down on the couch and waved a hand at the coffee table. Coming closer, Kara saw a line of ten sticks that looked shockingly like...

"Oh." Kara managed to get to the chair before she collapsed. Nobody took ten pregnancy tests unless they didn't believe the answer. And, at forty-four, a negative test would hardly have been a surprise. Kara leaned forward to pick one up, making sure to choose the end that hadn't been peed on. She glanced up at Andrea. "I take it that this wasn't planned?"

"God. I keep thinking that this is a nightmare." Andrea brought her hands up to her face, and Kara thought that she heard a sob. Andrea looked up. "Look, if you need to leave, I get it. I know this wasn't what you expected to hear when you knocked on that door. Does leaving the damn test out count as a pregnancy announcement?"

Andrea was well aware of how much Kara hated those cutesy pregnancy announcements that were all the rage, often showing up at Kara's house with food and a bottle of wine so they could commiserate. But this situation was completely different. It wasn't the announcements that so bothered Kara. Not exactly. It was the fact that people were so damn happy, so eager to share the news and plan for the new arrival from the moment they found out. As though two lines on a stick automatically meant that you got to bring home a living child.

"Not unless you do something vomit inducing like take a picture of the test with a bunch of chocolate hearts surrounding it," Kara replied, pausing before adding. "And then eat the hearts."

Andrea actually cracked a smile. "That was Wright, wasn't it? It's like people don't know that you pee on the things."

"Exactly." Kara shook her head, looking at the pregnancy test she held in her hand again. "Twelve plus weeks?"

Andrea groaned, head back in hands. "I'm an idiot. Do you remember when they used to have that show about pregnant women who gave birth without knowing they were pregnant? I'm one of them."

Kara had been almost ten weeks and had no idea. If it wasn't for the vaccine trial, who knew when she would have figured it out. Perhaps she and Andrea should start a club. Kara forced herself back to the present. "I'm sure lots of women get to three months without..."

"Five," Andrea interrupted.

"What?" Kara asked, confused.

"Pretty sure I'm five months. Twenty-two weeks."

Kara began counting. "But Tex has only been home three months."

"Yeah," Andrea sighed, then snickered. "Don't repeat this, but an old man and an old woman and a cast are a bad combination. There was none of that happening. So we're looking at that debriefing in April before the team went back to Columbia."

Considering that information, Kara set down the stick and pulled out her antibacterial soap. It would have to do until she could wash her hands for real. While cleaning up, she took time to study Andrea. The woman didn't look any different, not from what Kara could see. Hell, if anything Andrea had lost weight and although she was wearing sweats at the moment, Kara had seen her in her uniform earlier this week without noticing anything amiss. "What made you take the test?"

Andrea sunk back on the sofa. "I felt...I felt it move. I actually thought that I was having a breakdown. Lily's birthday is next week and I figured that I was hallucinating or something."

"But you haven't been to a doctor?" Kara pressed.

"No." Andrea paused. "Can you imagine? Telling Rios that I figured out I was five months pregnant at forty-four because I could feel something inside me moving? Forget a pregnancy test, he was going to be sending me for psych testing."

Kara leaned forward, reaching over to touch Andrea's hand. "Tex is in Norfolk visiting Kat, right? When is he back?"

"Tuesday...tomorrow," Andrea corrected herself.

"Then this is what we are going to do." Kara stood up, looking around the usually neat bungalow. Today it looked like a bomb had gone off. "You are going to text that man and tell him that you aren't dying of some incurable disease, because I'm pretty sure that is what he thinks right now. Then you are going to take a shower while I clean up. After that, we're going to take a trip to see Timothy and find out exactly how pregnant you are. Because I'm not hallucinating and all ten of those tests say pregnant. After we get all of that done, we are going to figure out the best way to tell Tex that he's about to push the restart button on fatherhood."

Andrea managed to crack a smile. "Yes, ma'am."

Kara stood, then stopped. "And please tell me that I can throw away those tests."

Andrea looked down, then actually laughed. "Yeah. No need to give Tex a heart attack the minute that he walks in the door."

xxxxx

"Speaking of Tex," Kara began. She played Liam in the bouncer that Andrea had set on one end of the table. He immediately began batting at the toys, which lit up and sang as he hit them. "I heard a rumor that he's retiring. Again."

Andrea snorted. "Not exactly. He's moving back to contractor status. That gives him the option of saying no but do you really think he's going to stay here if the rest of the team leaves?"

"Unlikely." Kara acknowledged, gathering plates and utensils while Andrea opened the various containers of food. "Although I heard that the plan was to stick closer to home for a while anyway."

Andrea raised an eyebrow. "As always, Commander Foster, you are very in the know. I assume you are talking about Sasha and Tom going through IVF?"

Kara nodded, hesitating. "Yes, although I don't really know more than that."

"Sasha's been pretty open about it," Andrea explained as she began to spoon food onto her plate. "Tom less so but, then, he was always that way."

"I don't know Sasha well," Kara admitted. Frankly, the trip to and from Brazil was the most time that Kara and Sasha had ever spent together. And both were busy with their own duties for the most part.

"If there is any truth to the rumor that I heard about you, you may be getting to know Sasha much better," Andrea said, smirking. "Perhaps I should arrange for a spa day."

"What did you hear?" Kara asked, although she pretty much knew. There were few secrets among the crew - current and former - of the Nathan James. Besides, Andrea was married to Tex, who always seemed to be up-to-date on gossip.

"I heard that you have a date with a certain ex-boyfriend who, last time I checked, was on the person non grata list." Andrea helped herself to a cup of coffee from the pot that Kara habitually left on the counter. "Tex is practically beside himself with glee, claiming that he sees marriage bells. And, of course, he's taking credit for getting the two of you together."

"Hardly. Between Tex and Carlton it's a miracle that we managed to have a single, solitary conversation the entire time we were gone," Kara shook her head. "It's amazing how clueless men can be."

"Oh, don't I know," Andrea mourned.

Kara slowly chewed on her noodles, considering the question that had been burning in her brain for days now. "Can I ask you something about...before?"

Andrea's smile faded, but she nodded. "Shoot."

"I know that you had a few miscarriages." Kara paused.

"Four before Lily," Andrea confirmed, her eyes far away, as though remembering another time. Most likely picturing her daughter. "Originally Bill and I wanted two or three kids but after Lily was born, I was happy with just one little girl. We decided not to try again."

"Did you ever..." Kara paused, fiddling with her cup. "Did you ever look into other options?"

Andrea leaned back in her chair, focusing completely on Kara. "My situation was a little different than the usual. Bill had a balanced translocation. It's a rare event where some of the chromosomes switch places back when the sperm meets the egg. In Bill's case, while the chromosomes weren't in the usual place, they were all there so it didn't impact his health. But it did mean that we had a fifty percent chance of having a miscarriage, depending on whether the fetus got his balanced chromosomes or not."

Kara stared at Andrea. Until this moment, she would have said that she knew everything there was to know about the other woman's path to motherhood. Apparently she was dead wrong. "I had no idea something like that could happen."

"Yeah, well, biology isn't all that different from engineering when you get down to it," Andrea said dryly. "Bill and I knew in advance. Before we ever got married, actually. Still, the first miscarriage hit both of us hard. Human nature, I suppose, to think that you'll be the person who escapes the odds."

Both women were silent for a moment, recalling another time when Andrea didn't beat the odds. After a moment, Andrea continued. "I feel fortunate, in a sense."

"Fortunate?" Kara managed to choke out. "How?"

Andrea shrugged. "Because it wasn't a surprise. I think it helped me stay more detached. We never told anyone that I was pregnant, wanting to know whether it would stick first. With Lily I waited until I had to put in the paperwork due to a scheduled deployment."

Four miscarriages. Kara recalled the way her entire body shook, so hot that she expected to combust at any moment, unable to do anything more than curl into a ball. The virus had been awful but at least then there was morphine to dull the pain. But even the morphine could not stop the horrible, gnawing agony that followed. She remembered seeing Danny's face, and knowing that it was her fault he was sitting there so stoically, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. But she had been unable to do anything to ease his pain. Unable to look at him no matter how many times he begged her to open her eyes. Unable to stop herself from flinching every time their hands so much as brushed. Unable to do anything more than simply endure.

"I can't imagine going through that again."

Kara wasn't aware that she said the words out loud until Andrea spoke. "Your experience wasn't typical, Kara. You know that, right?"

"Rachel told me that my bleeding was much worse than usual," Kara replied. "That's what triggered the anemia and the dizziness. And then there was the seizure."

"I'm not sure it was just the bleeding, Kara," Andrea said. "Physically, my miscarriages were no worse than a heavy period. I popped a few pills and life went on. I've wondered at times why your recovery was so much harder. I don't know enough about medicine to do more than guess, but the virus must have been part of it. It seems to me that there had to have been a reason why you and Maya both got sick so much quicker and were hit so much harder than the rest of us. And we know that Maya wasn't pregnant so it had to have been something else."

Kara set down her fork, staring at Andrea. How was it possible that they had never had this conversation before? But Kara knew the answer without having to ask. By mutual agreement, she and Andrea didn't discuss what happened in that tent on the Nathan James. Just like Kara and Alisha didn't discuss Baltimore. Just like Kara and Carlton didn't discuss Danny. And just like Kara and Danny didn't discuss pretty much anything. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair as she recognized a trend. "Honestly, a lot of that time is a blur."

"I'm sure that Rios has all the records if you want more information," Andrea said sympathetically. "Like I said, I'm no doctor. But it might help if you ever did consider getting pregnant again."

xxxxx

"I'm just so tired," Kara admitted, sitting across the small table from Rachel, only feet from where the vaccine trial tent had been. The other woman was reviewing Kara's most recent bloodwork and, from the look on Rachel's face, it wasn't good.

"Kara," Rachel said softly. "You went through a great ordeal. It is going to take time for your body to recover."

"Nobody else is having side effects," Kara pressed.

Rachel pursed her lips. "Everyone is different."

"So it's because I was pregnant." The words were bitter on her tongue.

"Maybe." Rachel closed the file. "Kara, your iron and Vitamin D levels are critically low. I'm also concerned that you continue to have HCG in your system. It could simply be the way that your body reacts but... Have you heard of something called a molar pregnancy?"

"No."

Rachel sighed. "Unfortunately, it can develop into cancer. Now that we are in St. Louis, I'm hoping to find an OBGYN to consult with. I simply don't have sufficient expertise in this area. But until I can determine what is going on, Kara, I can't clear you."

Kara stared at Rachel, her mind a whirl. "So...I'm off the James?"

"I'm sorry, Kara."

She would be staying here, alone, in St. Louis when the Nathan James left. No Alisha. No Andrea. No Carlton. No Danny. Kara's breath caught. How would she explain this to Danny? For weeks now he had been hovering, watching how much she ate and slept, taking overnight shifts so he was free during the day to sit with her. She had told him over and over again that it was unnecessary, that she was fine, that she was just a little tired. First the vaccine trial, then the miscarriage, and now maybe cancer?

She couldn't do that to him. She wouldn't.

She had taken far too much from him already.

"I'm happy to speak with Captain Chandler about other options," Rachel began, but Kara cut her off.

"No, I don't want Captain Chandler knowing." Because if Captain Chandler knew, there was too much risk of Danny finding out. "I'll talk to him. Ask for reassignment to President Michener's team."

But Kara hadn't given Rachel enough credit. The woman reached across the table to take Kara's hand. "You don't have to do this alone, Kara. If you don't want to tell Danny, well, that is your choice. But I will be there to help you through this. I promise."

xxxxx

"Maybe I'll look at my records," Kara replied, knowing that she was lying. The last thing that she wanted to do was relive what happened five years ago. Besides, Rachel was the only person in the world who knew the whole story and Rachel was back in England with Michael. For the first time in ages, Kara wished that Rachel lived closer. Not that she was especially close to the Doctor but...

No, it was better to move on.

Andrea reached out to tickle Liam's foot. "Anyway, you asked about other options. I assume you mean adoption?"

"Yeah." Kara forced her mind to focus on the present. "I never considered the idea but then Danny mentioned the possibility and I can't stop thinking about it."

"Bill was adopted," Andrea explained. "Because of that, he didn't want to adopt. Said that he wanted to know that he was biological connected to someone else on the planet."

"Really?" Kara had Debbie, of course, but Danny had lost his entire family. If they were to adopt someday, would he come to regret not having that biological connection?

"But adoption used to be much harder," Andrea continued with a shrug. "Waiting lists and home checks and thousands of dollars in fees. Nowadays you and Danny could probably walk in one afternoon and go home with a child then and there. It's unlikely that you could adopt an infant, but there are plenty of older children looking for homes. If that was the path that you decided on, with or without Danny, I think that you would make a wonderful mother, Kara."

Looking at Liam, Kara could almost picture a different child lying there, one with sandy hair and blue-green eyes and his father's smile. One who would grow up to be a mischievous toddler and then a shy preschooler who would hide behind his daddy. One who continued to haunt her dreams. Maybe it would be better to adopt an older child, to skip those stages. To avoid any comparisons to the five-year-old who might be playing in the other room right now if things had gone differently.

"It's a lot to think about."

"I know." Then Andrea smiled. "I volunteer over at one of the children's homes. If you ever want to go, just let me know."

Kara nodded, relieved that Andrea wasn't pressing the issue further. "I will."

Andrea leaned back, coffee in hand. "Now, tell me what the deal is with Green treating half of your VBSS team to a night out on the town? Tex claims that it was all the result of a bet?"

Chuckling, Kara picked up her own coffee. "Not so much a bet as a competition."