Equal Parts of a Whole
By: SheAlwaysDies
with MortisVenom as Story Consultant
Chapter 22 - Incest Girl
*this story has content related to substance abuse*
Anna
This was an image of Elsa she'd carry with her, behind her eyes, to summon any time she shut them. With her hair spread out, mated and half dry, getting lost in the yellow of the old mattress, and her eyes shut, fluttering but pointed upwards, she was serene. Her mouth was slightly open, Anna could see a thin line of her front teeth. She was breathing through her mouth, audibly, not snoring but also not very graceful.
The waves of her breath were soothing, like a sound machine meant to keep babies asleep, white noise that was so much stronger in the empty basement than it would be anywhere else. She was on her back and long ago kicked off the jacket that was covering her. Her breasts fell, heavy, to the side and rose in tempo with the only sound in the suite. Her long torso twisted at the hips, her knees were stacked on top of each other, and her ankles were crossed. She had one arm bent up and under her head and the other stretched away from her, in the same position it was a few hours ago functioning as Anna's pillow.
From where Anna stood, coming in from the hall, she had the view of her sister's backside and three little round birthmarks that peppered her bum. Anna closed her eyes and she could still see them. She could see Elsa lying in rest and for the first time with all her walls lowered. Her defenses were gone, Elsa was gone. She was somewhere else entirely, maybe dreaming behind the twitch of her eyes. She'd be back though, with or without her inhibitions and the peace they had reached together in this small home would be over.
Anna had just gotten off the phone. Her eyes were red, she was sure she didn't want to handle this with a puffy face. No, she wanted to be brave. Anna wanted to be the strength that Elsa had given her as they dropped her last wall and let Anna see and feel her.
The youngest of the two had taken her time with such a gift. At Elsa's command she kissed her sister. Elsa's lips fell on Anna's desperate and sad. The rough pull Anna had received each time her sister initiated sex was present, sucking at her lip. It was like lighter fluid poured over a small flame. For a long while Anna got lost in her sister's passion, just to check herself and pull away.
Elsa looked at Anna with such fear in her eyes and while she was trusting her sister with something precious, it did not take away from her anxieties or the looming end. Anna could see it in her sister's eyes. Elsa had accepted that there was nowhere to go from here, at any moment they would get the phone call that would end a future Elsa had poured everything too. Anna almost felt like a fraud to have ever even debated another option other than this life with her sister.
Maybe if Elsa had told her more of what she was doing, Anna would have been less torn about the idea of leaving her mother. But it was clear Elsa had made a choice, one that both protected her heart and allowed her free range to take whatever steps necessary to procure this home. Anna wouldn't have allowed most of it if she had known. She would have encouraged Elsa to pace herself. Anna would have probably let their mother win.
Elsa knew that about her and still went on with her plan. It was strange to be lying in a space that was the product of hope in the arms of someone who'd lost it all. Anna still had hers. Even if this haven was never meant to be their home, the connection of their bodies was. The blonde's eyes showed her trepidation. Anna pulling away was killing her. Anna didn't know if she had any words to breathe her hope back into her sister, but Elsa hadn't asked her to talk.
Maybe Elsa was looking for a goodbye kiss and she had let go of the dream she'd fought for, but Anna wanted to promise they still had each other no matter what. It was always more comfortable being at home without a bra on. Anna pulled away, Elsa tensed but relaxed as soon as Anna crossed her arms, pulled the hem of her shift and removed it over her head.
"You want me?" she asked, needing reassurance. Anna answered by removing her bra. She sat up to work on her jeans, they were still damp from having half hung in the shower. Elsa seemed too shocked to move, or offer any help. It wasn't a sexy striptease, but as Elsa looked on her demeanor started to change. Anna was so fond of that hungry look. She'd always thought of herself as the off brand version of her sister, but not when she looked at her that way.
They hadn't seen each other in the light before, the sun was bleeding into the basement. The amount of details Anna could see in her sister's creamy skin was likely as much as Elsa was taking in now. The redhead knew that if she fell back into Elsa's arms now they'd be fucking each other within the minute and as tempting as that was, Anna wanted to take Elsa slowly, to prolong their touches.
So instead she scooted to the middle of the bed. Elsa watched her with a cocked head. Anna settled there, sitting up with her legs crossed, her skin exposed for Elsa to take in.
"This is your home, Elsa." Anna watched her sister suck in a breath, her hand clutched as her chest as she curled up her body and brought herself in the same seated position opposite her sister. She was trembling, but Anna knew she'd gotten rid of her chill. The youngest moved slowly, supporting her weight with her hands as she pushed herself forward to close the distance.
She let her legs fall on either side of her sister and lowered herself on her lap. The corner of Elsa's lip twitched upwards when she caught Anna's eye.
"Hi," Anna said softly as her weight settled between her sister's legs. Their skin met at their thighs. Elsa leaned into it, wrapping her arms around Anna's middle and pulling her in close. With each exhale their chests met.
"Hey." Anna's hands came down to the sides of her sister's face, pushed wet hair aside and tipped Elsa's chin back. She leaned in. Elsa's mouth opened in anticipation but Anna kissed her cheek. She ran lips along her big sister's jaw line, pinching her lips into small kisses every so often. She reached Elsa's ear and gave it a gentle nip.
"I want you," Anna whispered, "every bit of you."
Elsa dipped her head to the side to give her sister better access to her neck, sighing as she took Anna's words to heart. Anna trailed the skin offered to her, pausing when Elsa's breath hitched to give that spot extra attention. There was a part of her that told Anna to leave a mark, to press in deep, but Anna paced herself. She wanted to not only savour the moment but to slow down to make love to Elsa.
Her sister was still shaking, but she was calming herself by running her fingers up and down Anna's spine. It was the softest touch Anna had received from the blonde since they started having sex. It was a nostalgic feeling, reminding Anna of the uncertainty Elsa had back before they had ever even kissed, and started to exchange caresses as a way to tell each other they missed each other. Maybe Elsa was telling Anna now how she would miss her.
Elsa was fearful enough to be patient, as Anna's mouth grazed her skin. A small noise escaped her shut lips as Anna worked down her chest and fanned her tongue over her sister's nipple. Anna felt it react much faster than she lapped. Elsa sucked in the same breath Anna did, as the redhead pulled the nerve endings deeper into her mouth. Once the nipple was stretched taut, Anna's lips jumped over to the other side and repeated her delicate attention.
"That feels so good," Elsa whispered, as if any volume might break the peace between them.
Anna's hands had been given free range of Elsa's skin. They were doing so laps of her softness, aimless but exploring. When Anna's touch reached Elsa's navel the vibration of Elsa's body intensified. The blonde's body was out of breath just from the attention to her breasts, anticipating Anna's finger at her core had her withering.
Anna followed the trail deeper. She found Elsa ready, wet, the nub between her lips hard. Anna brushes it lightly. The slight slight touch won her a hitch pitched whine. The redhead kept her stroke soft, matching it with her gentle suckling. Elsa's gasps and rocking body proved the intensity was still there and building. She needed more, so she asked for it, "I want you inside me."
The request made Anna feel powerful. She had never really known control over anything. She'd loved life reacting to time's that happened to her. She had total ownership of Elsa as she plunged a finger inside her.
The moan she received was a surrender. "Anna," the blonde was calling out. Anna replaced her mouth with her hand. Finding Elsa's precious flushed face in response to her name. Elsa's breath hitched as if Anna's eyes on her was a touch on it's own.
It was almost over. Anna would see it in the way Elsa struggled to keep her eyes open and her head from rolling back. At any moment it would hit.
"Look at me, keep looking." Anna demanded, so that Elsa could focus on something instead of getting lost in herself.
The blonde's eyes were locked on her. Anna could see her sister struggle not to roll back in her mounting pleasure. Her gasps were quiet. Her hips swayed gently against Anna's touch.
"I just want to be together," Elsa confessed. Her voice was weak. Her hand left the fat of Anna's ass, and reached in between the sisters. Her knuckles grazed against Anna's. Her eyes looked for permission, with Anna's sudden smile, she pressed her fingers between Anna's wet lips, brushing the length of her without much pressure. When Elsa pushed two fingers inside of Anna, Anna felt the muscles around her own finger tense and pull up, as if even the insides of Elsa were reacting to the connection Elsa had just closed. Even with gentle hands Elsa already knew where Anna liked to be touched. To feel her reach deep inside with languish movements build Anna up faster than she was already used to.
She dropped her forehead onto Elsa's, still looking into her icy blues. She was flattering her own strokes as she felt Elsa's thumb flick her clit.
"God, Elsa this is perfect." Elsa nodded. She was looking at Anna but also slipping away as she was starting to succumb to the intensity of her pleasure. Working each other took Elsa to a new level. She rolled Anna's clit to drive her closer to the same impending release Elsa was bracing herself for.
"Anna, I, I, lov-" Anna watched the words get cut off as her sister sucked some air. Elsa came with a whispered breath. Her head falling forward and onto Anna's shoulders. Her back was curled as she tried to dig herself into the redhead's neck. Her entire body was shaking as it was washed with this sensation, including her fingers, inside of Anna. The youngest felt Elsa's orgasm rattle inside of her, and her sister's efforts to bring Anna with her. But it was a kiss right over her ear that pushed her forward.
There was no space between the sister's as they held on tight to one another, even after their pulses had gone back to rest. Elsa's legs were crossed behind Anna's back. Her arms were curled up from under Anna's armpits, pinning her little sister against her. Her hands bent over Anna's shoulder blades and her cheek rested on her own fingers in the crook of Anna's neck.
"I don't want to let go," she finally spoke. Anna's knees were up by Elsa's side, she squished them together at the end of Elsa's statement. "I just want to stay like this forever."
Anna hummed in response. She wasn't used to being the realist. Elsa was never usually the fantastical one. Their levels of hope were well placed though. Anna held onto hers as closely as she did Elsa. The wetness of her hair was cold on Anna's bare skin. Still she rested her cheek on it.
"Good night," she told Elsa's relaxing body. Soon Elsa's limbs slacked. Her arms fell to the side, her mouth opened and cast a warm breath on Anna's neck. Anna combed through her hair with her fingers. When she grew weary she let go.
Anna guided Elsa down to her back and found a spot pressed tightly against her big sister. She curled Elsa's own arms around herself. She'd almost fallen into rest. Her body was eager to find sleep and use the shutting down of her mind to shut off any and all thoughts that had enjoyed the interlude, but were ready to come back and plague her.
The youngest almost snuffed them all out when her phone rang. She shut her eyes anyways. She grabbed Elsa's hand, the one connected to the arm under her neck. The ringing stopped. She placed a kiss each one of those fingers. When the vibrations of her phone started up again, Anna's eyes snapped open angrily. She was almost ready to ignore it once more. Her attention went back to the hand in hers. Focusing on Elsa could drown out the revival of her fears.
But Anna saw the splinters. Half a dozen more. This was the same hand that was inside of Anna. It smelled of their sex. But there, right in front of her, was why the phone was ringing. The grit in Elsa's teeth was suddenly on Anna's mind. The snarl, the anger, even the grief that twisted up a graceful face was a hard image to erase. The phone started going off for a third time. It was urgent. Of course it was urgent, Anna knew that from the first time it rang.
Anna dropped the hand. She broke the contact that ran the entire length of Anna's legs, back and shoulders, and reached out for her jeans. She pulled out the phone. Three missed calls from Astrid. Anna dialed Bulda and took off the bed and towards the hall, collecting her clothes as the phone rang on the other side. She couldn't look back at Elsa.
She regretted ever getting out of the bed as she reentered the living room easily three hours later. She should have looked at Elsa one more time before she learned what had happened. Elsa was so peaceful, still in a world that was nearly impossible to reach. Anna wondered how she could get back there again after all that had to happen for them to reach each other.
Anna knew she had felt so much hurt. For her part, getting to that place was a lot of forgiveness and a lot of cold. It took a lot of introspection but she had done it. She had done what her big sister had asked and picked Elsa.
On Elsa's part the road to this bed was much more external. Early on she'd told Anna she'd made up her mind, she wanted a life with her sister as her lover. The rest of the steps here were calculated and cruel. She chose not to let anything get in her way. But Anna knew now, taking in the image of her sister before she too came to the realization that a return to the bliss she slept in would be the same arduous road.
The redhead sat on the edge of the bed. She put her hand on Elsa's back. It was enough sleep she told herself. There was no time to prolong what was to come. Anna wouldn't waste another of her limited moments left with her sister on the opposite sides of consciousness.
Anna shook her sister slightly.
Groaning Elsa spoke through closed eyes, "Where did you go for so long?" Her body shifted, breaking the image Anna wanted so much to hold onto and making it better. Her arms opened up, offering her little sister a spot between them. There was a hitch of anger inside of Anna again. It had been soothed by Elsa's peaceful state, but it reared. Elsa had such capable hands, they made Anna feel whole, as if she wasn't missing any part of her, but Anna had just learned how dangerous they would be.
Still she fell into them.
"Mm, I was missing you." Elsa spoke into Anna's hair as the redhead burrowed her front into her sister's chest. Anna tucked her hands in between them, her shoulders were curled into herself. She felt so small in these arms. Not belittled but protected. The danger wasn't for Anna to fear, it was for anyone else who dared try to pry them apart. It was hard to realize that her mother was such a foe, their father too. Each of them could have lost their lives to the Knight who held her.
Elsa hands ran down Anna's back and found their way to skin. They pushed the cotton up allowing the cold of being in bed with no covers to seep in but defeating even that with her own friction.
"You're dressed." She said less sleepily now. "Is it over?"
"It's time yeah. I just got off the phone." Anna was surprised by Elsa's calm. Had their exchange completed her? Was she done with Anna now? Anna barely knew why she was asking herself that, when her anger was making it hard to feel fully comforted by their embrace.
"How's my dad?"
"Fine I guess. Apparently saying he was relieved he wasn't a baseball player." Elsa let go of a long breath. Anna couldn't see her face, but she felt her hair dampen by the tears of relief.
"So he's not mad, he's not going to come after me?" It wasn't his well-being she was content with. It wasn't even the alleviation of guilt. It was the worry that he might use the attack against the sisters.
"It's not that simple." Anna said sternly. Finally giving Elsa some indication that things were not the same as they were a few hours ago. "I had to make deals with them. Turns out everyone is really worried about you."
Anna tried to sit back up but Elsa locked her joints around her.
"Let them. I'm fine here." She said.
"I don't get to stay here." Anna tried pulling again, but Elsa didn't relent.
"You don't have to go. We can wait it out here together. If my dad isn't going to press charges then we can work with the social worker. We can be here." She sounded too optimistic, she wasn't ignorant to Anna's tension, she was just trying to stay delirious. But Anna pushed passed her. She sat up and kicked her legs over the bed.
"Here?" She questioned as she looked back at Elsa. "Don't you remember what you said to me after my first day of school? You said our love belonged in a basement we'd fill with concrete."
'But we didn't do that Anna. We just made love." Elsa shuffled over to little sister and while still laying down curled herself around the redhead hips.
"I know but I think I should go with mom." Anna stood up and again out of Elsa's grasp as she admitted it.
"Anna! What are you saying?" Elsa was up on all fours now, seemingly ready to pounce on her sister if she took another step away from her.
"I talked to her the other day, and just now. Finally. She's been kicked out of her program. Her roommate OD'd on some pills. She's fine but apparently when questioned she said she found them in mom's things. The program is zero tolerance." Anna made sure to get a good look at her sister as she fed her this information. The day prior when Iduna had mentioned it, Anna had no idea how deeply troubling it was. She was so numb to the things her mother did, the story about a girl in the hospital bed meant nothing to her. Now it made her sick with worry.
"That was a couple days ago." Anna tried to keep her cool as all she saw in her sister's expression was heartbreak. All Elsa saw was Anna. "She's already got us looking at places tomorrow. She's starting a job soon too."
"No. Anna. I've been working with family services. As soon as the office opens after the holidays I'm getting custody of you. You'll be under my watch. I say you can't go." The heartbreak turned into anger. It looked just as boiled over as Anna's was.
"You might've been able to get custody over Agnarr, but mom trumps you." Anna regretted saying so immediately as she watched Elsa come to her feet and stalk over to Anna. She expected more fire, but Elsa's voice cracked as her mouth opened.
"Like hell she does." There was no anger. Just desperation. "You don't have to give up on us being together like this just because she says. I'm sure getting kicked out of that place is all we need to fight her." Anna sighed as she let Elsa grab at her wrists.
"I'm not giving up. I want to go with her."
"Anna, don't be a fool. Aren't you concerned about where she's getting all this money?" Elsa escalated a bit but Anna knew it couldn't last long as she answered the question.
"From Astrid."
"No."
Elsa stumbled back. Her hands let Anna go and caught her jaw as it dropped.
"Yes. Elsa. I spoke to her too. Our mother's want to fix things for us. They don't hate us. They are both really worried about you. I'm worried about you." More than angry, Anna was scared for her big sister. After what she had done to get their mother off their backs, to be Anna's only option, Anna was terrified.
"No, there's no reason to worry. Anna, we got this. We can do it without them." Elsa's hands gestured to the room around them, motioning to this basement they both knew was condemned the moment they stepped foot in it together.
"Elsa," Anna shook her head no as she spoke her sister's name. "I was scared over what happened with Agnarr. But, you should have never given mom those pills."
Elsa's fist balled up. She brought them down swiftly against her naked thighs. "I did all those things to protect you. To prove to you I'm here for you."
"Someone almost died. It could have mom. You understand that right? In the last few days you could have killed both your parents. Elsa. That's what junkies do." Elsa recoiled but she took another step closer to Anna, this time her hands reached out asking for permission to land on her.
"Please Anna."
"You went too far, Elsa. You did it in my name. But want to know the scariest part of it? You didn't flinch, just now, when I told you someone was hurt because of you." Anna turned away and headed up the stairs. She shoved her feet into her boots. She couldn't get her heels in right without wasting time unlacing them but she kept going anyways.
"Mom will be here any second." She called down. As she pushed through the door Elsa was rounding the stairs, pulling her shirt over her head.
"No, no. No. Please Anna. Please come back inside." She called out as Anna walked past the Elsa sized hole in the snowbank. It was reassuring to see it, it reminded Anna of the list she'd made of the glaring signs that her sister was not well, and that Anna had only made it worse. It hurt to think that her love darkened Elsa Fjelstad. But it had. If Anna was her sister's problem, then she couldn't fix it alone.
Elsa grabbed hold of Anna by the waist.
"Please don't leave me," she pleaded at Anna's back.
"I'm not. I swear I'm not. But something has to change. You need help. They said I couldn't stay." Anna caught Elsa's hands. She tried to pull the fingers apart. Her big sister didn't relent. She dug her chin into Anna's shoulder and begged.
"Fuck them, we don't need them." Anna heard a car pull up to the side of the street. It was time. It was over. Elsa had to let go before someone saw something damning.
"Don't make me say it, Elsa. I don't want to have to say it. I don't think this has to be all or nothing." Anna's voice wasn't as strong as she needed it to be. There was no heart behind it.
"But we've had each other now. Stay with me. This is what's right for you Anna. I am what's right for you." Elsa tried to place a kiss on her sister's face. Her lips grazed Anna gently. It wasn't the same, not anymore.
"You are. I swear to God, Elsa you are." Anna tried to reassure her. She didn't want to lose Elsa. She just wanted her to own her mistake. She wanted her to get help realizing nothing was worth more than a life. Anna just wanted Elsa to be well.
"But No. It has to be right for both of us. I don't think this is right for you."
"No?" Elsa said, as she stepped back. Anna turned to face her. The house Elsa had brought her to was at her sister's back. The finicky door left open. Anna never once imagined herself having to use that word on her sister. Elsa had given Anna that power and she knew Anna was using it now.
"No." Anna said. It was suddenly finite. Elsa's body just stopped. If she was inside it, Anna assumed she would feel each one of her systems shut down. Anna heard the car again. It was behind her. A door opened and shut.
Anna watched Elsa's brows twist as she looked past Anna and towards the slow steps approaching. Her bottom lip quaked. The pain etched on her vanished for a moment to explode in relief.
"Mom?" Her cry was hopeful and hurt. She was a child again, just for a flash. Elsa's shoulder pushed past Anna, forgetting that it was desperate for Anna, so that it could be held by its mother.
Anna's eyes followed her sister. Elsa folded herself over the blonde woman behind them. She clung onto Astrid. Her sister's knees buckled as she took fistfuls of her mother's felt jacket, seeking solace there. Astrid could only get one arm around Elsa. It grabbed a fistful of her blonde hair. Even with her grown child hanging off of her, sobbing with heaving breaths, Astrid didn't falter as she used her cane to bear both their weights.
"You are doing the right thing." Astrid's voice carried past Elsa's cries. A snap of her head motioned towards the car behind them. In the driver's side sat the woman Anna knew as mother.
This wasn't happening the way Anna pictured it. Or maybe Anna hadn't had enough time to look forward enough. She had been overcome with dread. The only way to sooth that was to think exactly what Astrid had just said. But it didn't feel right as she walked away from the love of her life.
Anna got into the passenger seat of the car. It had been almost six weeks since Anna saw her mom last. She didn't get the same feeling of relief Elsa had as she fell into the arms of hers. Anna noted that other than the look of concern, her mother was radiating wellness.
Anna said nothing to her. They had exchanged their concerns over the phone already. Anna dared to look over at her sister as she grabbed at the seat belt. She heard her mother put the car into drive.
"Don't," she said as she watched Astrid hold her daughter close. Anna was waiting to feel like she had made the right choice. She'd never really seen the two exchange much affection. The lingering of their embrace lasted. Anna watched Astrid's lips move next to Elsa's ear. Elsa nodded along to what her mother was saying. Her sister was the first to pull away and take a step back. Astrid lifted her cane from the ground and pressed the handle under her daughter's chin. She used it to level Elsa. Anna's big sister squared her shoulders. Her body was back to life, confident again. As Anna was driven away, she hoped what she had seen was a good thing.
If that wasn't the case Anna would never be able to live with herself. She'd hate that in order to keep Elsa out of trouble about Agnarr and to get her help, she hadn't stood next to Elsa and fought. Maybe instead of filling up the basement with concrete they would have boarded up all the windows, thrown away the keys and lived off of plates with no food. That was a life Anna was used to living. One she romanticized every time she was apart from her mother too long. If Elsa wasn't going to come stronger at the end of this, she would rather take the bare mattress than leaving her behind.
Only time would tell if Anna had chosen well.
She and Iduna drove in silence for a long while. It wasn't until the smell of the potato factory was finally out of the car, and the buildings of the city came into view that one of them dared speak.
"You just left her." Anna's mother had seen the same thing Anna did. The broken girl was Iduna's child. Yet she drove away. Anna had little say in how all of this was handled, only whether or not Elsa punished or helped.
"In good hands." Iduna defended.
"You brought Astrid into this. We could have done it without her. Mom you didn't tell her about Elsa and I did you?"
"Anna this isn't about yours and your sister's relationship. This is about you both needing help. And Astrid and me wanting our daughters back."
"Was that the deal? Did you just exchange Elsa for money mom?"
"Of course not! I told Astrid Elsa was hurting. She agreed Elsa was killing herself trying to take you on. With Astrid's help, we could unburden her."
"Oh God, maybe I shouldn't have agreed to this."
"You won't always see it like that. I promise you that this is the best for you both." Anna wanted to believe her mother. She wanted to believe her so badly. But when she closed her eyes all she saw was Elsa at peace by Anna's hands.
"If either you or Astrid are doing this to keep us apart then know now that I am not going to let that happen. All I want is for her to be okay."
Silence washed over the car again. The sound of icy wind slapping the speeding car along the highway was the only thing that could be heard. Anna was trying not to cry. She didn't want her mom to see her weak, like she could be pushed into letting go. If only she hadn't used that same tactic on Elsa just now.
Once in the city, Anna finally gave in. She pulled out her phone and sent Elsa a few messages. They seemed so inadequate, maybe even cold. Anna found herself forcing herself to think about the bottle of pills Elsa had given to her mother, just to try to fix the feeling in her chest, to reassure herself. It, of course, didn't work.
"I need to go to a meeting. After that we can get some food in that belly and go from there." Anna's mother said as she slowed down the car next to a curb. "You don't have a jacket so you'll have to come into the building."
"Mom, I have to go to Bulda's and talk with my social worker. They need to know Agnarr's in the hospital."
"He's got one or two nights of observation. We don't need family services involved. The adults have this all sorted."
"That's not what Bulda said." Anna countered, she still felt like she had some control over what was happening.
"Bulda has nothing to do with you."
"She's my grandmother." The redhead quickly countered. She'd expected her mother to react with shock. Instead she turned in her seat and faced Anna.
"Listen to me Anna, and listen to me good." Iduna waited until her eyes were locked with Anna before continuing. "That is not your family. No Fjelstad is ever going to have a claim on you, you hear me. They can tell you whatever they want but you do not, and will never belong to any of them. That includes Elsa." Her mother had a finger shoved at Anna as she drove her point.
"You're saying, without a doubt, he's not my father?" Anna said, knowing there was only one person who could do more than speculate.
"I'm telling you that I'm your family. Me and only me." Anna's face fell, her mother softened. "And I love you more than anything and anyone."
Anna unbuckled her seat belt. The words were ringing in her ears. She tried not to allow her mother's version of family wash over the one she'd spent the last few weeks cultivating, the one Elsa and she were the matriarch of. Anna got out of the car. Her mother followed, her steps quick like Elsa had been when Anna thought walking away had been for the best. Her head was spinning. She wanted to stop in the middle of the road and curse at the skies.
Her mother put her hand on the small of Anna's back and kept her moving forward and into the community hall. Anna stopped in the boot room and leaned up against the wall. Her mother took off her slip-ons and put them down next to all the other wet shoes that had traversed snow. Anna pulled out her phone, it was a touchstone to ground herself. Checking for Elsa was something to do other than breakdown.
Anna was at two percent battery. She knew she should not be flicking on her phone but she was still waiting for a reply. All Anna could think to send was are you okay? And I miss you. Anna knew Elsa hadn't sent anything back but she had to know if they were at least read. They were still only delivered.
"I'll be about an hour, are you okay to hang out here?" Anna nodded while clicking her phone screen off. The boot room was pretty chilly. There were no heat vents into it but it was still better than waiting in the cold of the car while her mother was at her meeting.
Anna received a peck on the head. She watched her mother go through steel metals doors and into the hall. Anna had a pretty good view of several people getting on their feet to greet her mom. She read their lips as they all wished each other Merry Christmases, but in a sympathetic way, instead of the usual enthusiasm that followed the phrase.
Iduna was smiling. She was nervous, but even not sitting in the circle she was already telling a story. It almost, almost, just seemed like a group of friends getting together at a coffee shop. Anna averted her eyes, thinking her name might be on her mother's lips. She instinctively illuminated her phone. The first thing she'd noticed was her sister had read her messages, then the one percent battery.
In her rush to leave Bulda's, Anna hadn't taken anything with her. The clothes on her back and the phone in her hand were currently the only things she owned. She looked back up at the group and kicked off her boots. Anna wasn't going to let Elsa think she was ignoring her when the messages did come in. She crossed the doors.
"Anyone have a charger?" Anna interrupted. She had her phone up as if she was a criminal held at gunpoint by the police. All eyes fell on Anna, she felt much worse than a criminal. Each face on had a different expression scrawled on it, but it was clear to Anna they were all thinking one unified thing, this was the incest girl. It wasn't Anna paranoia, because the one face in the crowd she knew well was mortified to see her.
"Anna, I thought I told you to wait outside." Her mother was trying to collect herself. She took a few steps forward and threw a wince over her shoulder. Anna felt ill, in a way that even her worst thoughts about Elsa's love could never make her feel. All the slurs she came up with about herself at first came alive on these faces.
Her mom was shoving Anna along by wrapping her arm around her daughter's shoulder. "Come on, you'll survive without your phone for an hour." She said, trying to make it seem like a regular exchange between a mother and their teenager.
"I need to hear from Elsa," Anna countered, deciding not to care whether or not she just admitted she was waiting for a text from her girlfriend.
"Anna, please." her mother stressed as she pushed the doors open. It felt more cold in the boot room than it did when she left it.
"Anna is it?" A woman called from behind. "Why don't you come with me, we'll get you juiced up."
Anna watched her mom's head hang, displeased as she let go of her daughter. Anna rejoined the room. The person offering her a charger had not been in the original group. The redhead had seen her setting up chairs, when she was first peeking into the hall.
With a bounce of her head, she gestured for Anna to follow her. Together they traveled through a small hall, past the bathroom, and a few offices before they were at the end of the line. She opened a door labeled Emma Swan, Program Coordinator. Again, wordlessly, the woman offered Anna a seat. Once down she pulled out a cord. It barely reached Anna where she was, she had to set her phone down without checking if the charge had started.
"We can hang out here until you have enough to hold you over." The woman offered, she sat down on the opposite end of the desk and offered Anna a well practiced smile. Anna knew it well and was likely taught in empathy class when studying to become a social worker.
"Thank you."
"Of course, anything for one of Iduna's girls." Anna curled up into herself. She had never thought of her secret as anything a stranger could know. Anna could count on one hand the keepers of that secret. While it made sense why Iduna would share it with this group, their eyes on her felt like a violation. Anna was filling in the blanks to the look behind that smile. The redhead felt vulnerable, cornered, and the sudden need to defend herself and her sister. But she just stared at her phone.
"Your mom's been doing some amazing work. For years we've crossed paths here and there, this is our first time really connecting. But even so I can tell she is committed in a way she hasn't been capable of in the past."
"So I've heard." Anna hadn't meant to sound so heavy. She was proud of her mom, but her defenses were up.
"The last few days have been a really big setback. I'm her sponsor. We've been having an interesting Christmas. But she's pulling through. She's committing to her sobriety."
"So you know my story?" Anna questioned.
"I know your mother's. I wouldn't pretend to know what your side of it is like. We have a really good bunch of kids in our Al-Anon program. You should consider coming to a meeting."
"After this episode, I'm sure family services will make me start going again." Anna had years of experience with those meetings. She'd never dare talk about her feelings for Elsa. She barely was able to bash her mother, even as she heard others tell stories of neglect that matched hers. Anna always swept those things under the rug.
"Hey, no one is trying to punish you. These meetings exist to help everyone affected by addiction."
"I'm not going to sit in a circle and apologize for the way I feel. Or blame my mother's addiction for the fact that I'm in love with my sister." As soon as it came out her lips it was out there, between these two strangers. The woman wasn't shocked, her face didn't contort like the people in the hall had. Anna's heart was pumping triumphantly, even though it felt a bit like a lie to dig a flag into the ground, claiming her love, when she had just walked away from her big sister.
"Have you ever said that out loud?" Anna started to shake her head but stopped herself.
"I didn't come for a therapy session. I just want to charge my phone."
"I'm sorry. Things tend to get serious here quickly," the woman said with a bit of a smirk.
"I have said it once, to someone who cares about me. She doesn't think it's the worst thing ever. I haven't told my sister though, not with words anyways." Anna felt the realization weigh on her. She was in love with her sister, she'd always been but she'd never declared it. Elsa had, in her actions, maybe Anna had gone that far with hers too. She'd been too scared to say it but right now she felt like going into the hall and announcing it to the group as if she was admitting to an addiction.
Hi, my name is Anna Werin and I am madly in love with my older sister.
"I'm sure she knows. It was clear the moment you stepped into my hall and looked at your mother's friends head on. You're as strong as she says you are. I'm sure having a friend that stands by you helps. There are more people like that in Al-Anon."
"You don't need to sell it to me. I'll defend how I feel to anybody. Not that anyone would understand" Anna said, suddenly feeling more powerful than she had ever before. She didn't like a rat, alone in the world, shivering in a hamster cage waiting for someone like Elsa to save her. She just felt hopelessly in love.
"Try me," Anna was sort of excited to get to put that into words.
"I guess when you grow up alone there's not a lot of places you feel safe. But I feel like that with Elsa now. Even though the world will crumble around us, because we have each other we're safe. We're home. I'm stronger. I have arms I can trust. I don't think that's so wrong. It's worth all the bad feelings and the dark thoughts and it was even worth the looks I just got" Anna looked over her shoulder, as if gesturing to the people in her mother's group.
"I know that Elsa feels the same way. To her it's worth all the shitty things she had to do to make us a home." Anna barely knew if this Emma person had enough information to understand that remark, but she said it anyways.
"But you didn't stay there."
"No."
"Because she's hurting others now. Is it worth that? Is your sister getting the same things you are? Is she safe? Is she stronger?" There was a girl in a hospital bed, one that likely belonged to this group, because of what Elsa had done. Anna didn't condone it. She felt sick thinking that Elsa's intentions were that their mother be hurt. There was a line that had to be drawn. No matter where it landed, that action would always be too far. It was hard to imagine it being forgivable.
"No." Anna answered again.
"See you already know that. I'm not asking you these things under a guise to get you to put a stop to this relationship. I just know you being here means you chose to find your sister some help. Keep in mind that you both need to find ways to heal." Anna didn't notice she was nodding in agreement.
"You're an addict?" Anna asked the woman.
"Yes."
"Have you been forgiven for the worst thing you've done?"
"Yes." Anna was suddenly trying to look through her memories to find the worst things her family had committed, wondering if any of those things could afford penance.
"Did you deserve it?"
"Not at the time, but I worked up to it, and everyday I still fight to be worthy." Anna felt the truth behind those words. She didn't need to know the details. Someone this Emma Swan lady loved very much gave her forgiveness.
"For your mistakes to have been worth it?" Anna clarified. She already knew she'd talked herself into giving Elsa the same gift this woman had received before her sister could earn it. Maybe it was part of helping Elsa.
"You got me there. Yes." She said with a soft smile. Anna reached over the desk and unplugged her phone.
"I'll probably see you around." The redhead was able to smile and that was a good sign.
"I hope so." Emma responded.
Anna didn't have any messages from Elsa. She typed and re-typed texts to send her. But couldn't find the words.
I'm sorry. Was the best she could do with the sixty minutes she had in the boot room to herself.
Iduna was the first back into the space. It seemed that her group was doing her the favour of hanging back until they got out the door. The mother and daughter moved wordlessly as they left the building and crossed the street.
"I'm not getting in the car with you mom." Anna announced when her mother went for the door handle.
"Excuse me? Anna, it's freezing out. I'm sorry about what happened back there. It just caught everyone off guard." Iduna rounded the car and over to the passenger side. She put her hands on Anna's shoulders, and dropped her head to the side. The bore into Anna with a smile as she rubbed the length of her exposed arms.
"Let's get home and order some Chinese."
Home was the motel Iduna was staying in. Normally that would feel right, to call wherever Iduna opened the door home. But Anna had outgrown that now. She suddenly knew what her mother's worst action was. It was forgivable. Anna knew how to forgive her mom. She'd spent her life with blinders on, ignoring you herself in order to ignore her mother's wrongs.
Hunger didn't bother Anna. Nights alone, or using winter boots well into the summertime. Those things were normal to her. Having embarrassing under clothes meant little to her. It was just a part of life. She knew people had better, but they still didn't have a better mom than Anna did.
Falling asleep in her mom's bed and waking up in the middle of the night to wash the sheets because they were covered in sick was a price to pay to be held. Puke didn't gross her out. Everyone else was just exaggerated. Anna would eventually clean up after her mother's parties, especially if Elsa was coming for visit, but mostly she didn't feel the need to reset when it would all just start again. The people crowding her apartment, laughing the smell of rum into her face, pulling her down to sit next to them, ignoring her completely,or putting heavy hands on her, were all friends because they made Anna's mother glow.
Anna explained it all away. Those little things added up to the neglect that eventually and repeatedly got Anna taken away. They meant nothing to Anna. Even the bigger things, like getting lost trying to make her own way home after classes, or her grade school teacher finding Anna drunk in the washroom, and spending ten days alone before the police came to get her, they weren't the worst thing her mother did.
She let go of Elsa, not lost her, but let go. Both Anna and Elsa would have to find a way to forgive that. Anna knew she'd get there because her mistake brought her to Elsa in a new way. Elsa, who fought with Iduna for hours every time she came to visit about the state of the house, Anna's own hygiene and isolation, and Iduna's addiction, would have her own path to forge.
But for Anna the forgiveness started right now as she realized Elsa was not something she would ever let go of.
"I know the bus route. I'm going to Bulda's." Anna stated evenly.
"Anna. That's not funny. Get in the car." Iduna was looking around to see if her group was watching.
"I get it now mom. I understand why you weren't supposed to call me during rehab and I get why you didn't get in contact with me once you were out."
"Why don't we talk about this at the motel? We have a lot to talk about." Her mother pleaded.
"And we will." Anna said with a smile. "Just not now. You're clean and I'm really proud of that. We both know it's the first real time you haven't even had a beer. I think it's because you weren't thinking about me. The program had us completely separated so you could work on yourself as a person and not a mother. You lost your placement, but I don't think you should lose that." Her mother sighed, tightened her hold on Anna.
"Anna, I am both. I can't stop being a mom." Iduna released a hand to run it down Anna's face. Anna accepted the caress. Doing this felt right, in a way that separating from Elsa hadn't.
"You can. I'm letting you." Her mother seemed torn but Anna still saw easement, a bit of relief in her mother's eyes.
"I missed you Mom, still we've been apart lots, so I guess I'm used to it. But Elsa, I have never ever gotten used to that. I miss her right now sitting in front of you like if I have a hole and I won't be whole until we're together." Anna's mother let her speak. The redhead was a bit surprised considering what it meant. Anna was talking about her love for her sister.
"She didn't choose to be apart from me. She didn't pick the Fjelstads. She picked me. I feel like I'm desperate for her. I'm done having her half way." Anna was crying but her tears were rolling into her smile. Saying the words made it feel so real. Her secret was more powerful when embraced. Her mother was also tearing up. Maybe not because her daughter was embracing her own deviance, but perhaps because she was declaring herself grown.
"She's everything to me Mom. She's as much an equal part of me as I am." Iduna shut her eyes and took Anna's words in with a big breath. Anna knew it was the closest she'd get to approval for now.
"I can't stay with you. I do want us to be a family. But I don't want it in anyway that isn't our version of family. Mine and Elsa's." Her mother shook her head rapidly saying yes to her new reality.
"We're still set to meet tomorrow for Christmas and Chinese food." Her mother pulled her child in close, sealing her lips with the creases of Anna's worried forehead. She held the position for a long while. She seemed at a loss for words but let her body speak. Apart they held each other's eyes for even longer. Until Anna turned away and started walking down the sidewalk, looking for a bus stop to orientate herself with. Once she figured out where she was, she'd know where she was going.
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Okay, first, sorry for making you sit through 9 thousand words. I love you guys. It just grew and this late in the game stuff had to happen heh. This is the second last chapter. I want to make sure the next one is right, so my apologies if it takes a bit longer than normal.
Further apologies to readers of Tiny Elephants. If you are one or know of one, spread the message around, I'm sorry and it's coming. I somehow managed to have two fics ending at the same time. Silly me (is actually flailing) but I want to put in the time and effort in giving you all the endings you deserve for coming along on this ride with me.
Please feed my muse in these last days with your reviews and support! Biotch is gluttonous and can't get enough love.
My spanish guest - what should I call you? lol ese momento de broadway, nunca lo había escuchado. Que triste, pobrecita nuestra Elsa D: por eso historias como esta no son exageradas, ella tiene mucho dolor. "Fue peligro sonar"? )': aye como duele, si es la Elsa de EPOAW. Gracias por ponerte las pilas y continuar con mi estoria que tanto te maltrata! Y por tus palabras que lo hace más fácil continuar cuando tengo la cara sobre las claves. Hasta le fin no?
Guest (stinging cherry on top) xD hi, thank you for your trust. I will clutch it close as I work on the final chapter. I hope it lives up to the story and will antagonize over it less knowing someone thinks I got this!