Hi guys, long time no see!
Am sorry for not updating in so long on this story, everything has just been so crazy, and I've been focusing a bit more on my other story. Sorry about that...
But here, I am back with a long chapter, that i hope you'll enjoy! I did love writing it!
Let me know what you think in a review, that would mean a lot!
Happy reading!
And as usual, please stay safe everyone
-A
Chapter twenty-two
Getting back to work was definitely exciting for Gabby, but she had been a bit nervous after so much time off of work. She had been struggling with her health for so long, so when she pulled up at the firehouse with Matt, she was pretty glad that Boden had proposed her to leave Kidd on the ambo for another shift.
And after a couple of calls, Gabby was back in the swing of things, and let Kidd get back to truck. Also, she wasn't expecting for her come back to create such a happy feeling to her colleagues and friends, but she was glad for that. And to add to that, Kelly and Stella had announced their great news, and were getting married, which was putting a real good mood at 51.
Coming back at 51 after the third call of the day, Dawson walked inside, leaving Brett to the ambulance. She got to the reunion room where she started on getting her paperwork done. She didn't really like this part of the job, but she didn't want to have to finish it later, or do it at home.
She was pretty focused when she was interrupted by Matt who walked inside the room, and exclaimed "Hey stranger"
Gabby looked at her husband with a grin. "Hey there lieutenant" she exclaimed back.
"What are you doing?" he asked gently coming to stand against the table facing his girl.
"I am working on this paperwork, I did not miss that" She said with a groan. She was never a lover of penmanship and getting back to work she needed to get back into it as well.
Matt raised his eyebrows, and touched Gabby's forehead "Do you have fever? Paperwork?! You?! Gabriela Casey? No way, I think you are not in the right place, but tell my wife I am looking for her!" He said laughing.
Gabby rolled her eyes, knowing Matt was messing with her. "Stop bothering me!" she shot back. "You are distracting me! And I want this done before the end of shift, I don't want to bring this home with me, I have plans for us!" She continued getting an interested look from the blond lieutenant.
"Oh yeah? What are your plans? Does it involve a new addition to our family?" Matt asked with a smirk.
"Maybe, you'll have to see, and play the right card" Gabby said as Matt leaned down and stole a kiss.
"I love you, tomorrow night I am taking you out on a date?" Matt proposed with a smile, having an idea of what he wanted to do.
"Date? That would be nice, but what about Louie?" Gabby asked.
"Bonnie" Matt replied leaning to kiss his wife once more, but they were quickly interrupted by Severide who walked in the room with a huge smile plastered all over his face.
"Casey keep it in your pants!" Severide exclaimed making Matt groaned and Gabby laughed as they pulled away from each other.
"What do you want Kelly? Matt asked, a bit annoyed by the sudden arrival of his friend.
"Sorry to bother you guys but I needed to see you Casey! You guys know that I proposed to Stella and we are very excited about it and we're also planning on having a nice, small wedding in a few months and I wanted to ask you Matt, if you'd be ok with being my best man…" Kelly asked a bit nervous but Matt was his best friend and he really wanted him to be his best man it would mean a lot to him.
"Of course man I would be honored! I'm so happy for you and Stella, and who would've thought that you would end up tying the knot? I am really happy for you Kelly, you deserve it" Matt said really touched by what his friend was asking him, they were like brothers and seeing Kelly get married was a huge step for Matt, he was happy to think that soon he wouldn't be the only lieutenant with a family of his own and maybe someday Kelly would be a family man and that made Matthew really excited.
"I don't know why but I feel so grateful and I never thought that proposing and knowing that I'm going to marry an amazing woman would make me so proud and happy and grateful for the life I have. And now I know how you felt when you proposed to Dawson and how you felt the day you got married, this must really be the best feeling in the world knowing that you have someone by your side, that you are loved and that you are going to be loving this person for the rest of your life" Kelly said as Gabby and Matt looked at him smiling and so happy for him.
"Welcome in my life bro, and soon you're going to find out that the woman you choose is the best partner in the world, she's going to be there through everything she is going to love you and someday she might give you some babies it's pretty great man, it's a great feeling, isn't it?" Matt said giving a kiss to his wife as she seemed moved by his words.
Gabby nodded agreeing with Matt. "You know how I felt about marriage for a while and I was wrong you know, getting married to this amazing man is the best thing I have ever done in my life, he is the father of my kid, my best friend, and my confident, I love him deeply and I know that I always will, and you will find out that this is exactly how Stella will make you feel for the rest of your lives"
Matt and Kelly looked at Gabby surprised by this rush of cuteness and love surrounding them, but they couldn't disagree with her. The three friends were genuinely happy, and for the first time in a while, everything seemed to go as plan.
"I love you too babe" Matt said as the siren went off calling all units on a warehouse fire.
"Ah, I love you guys but I hate you, I didn't finish my stupid paperwork!" she groaned standing up and earning from the two men to laugh as they ran to their rigs.
"Sorry baby" Matt apologized, getting in his seat. Gabby waved him off and got to her ambulance, before everybody left the firehouse.
The call had been very long and tiring, longer than what anyone had thought, and to say everybody was exhausted was an understatement. Gabby and Brett had decided to restock the ambulance, and even though they were both exhausted, they knew it needed to be done. But they also would have killed to just go home and get so much needed rest.
"You know what we need to do?" Brett asked sighing out of tiredness.
"Please don't say girls night, I wouldn't be able to handle it!" Gabby warned hoping it was not where Brett was going. She would never go out again first because of her son but also because going out was exhausting and she really liked her night in with her son and husband, cuddling on the couch watching silly Disney movies.
"Oh no! It didn't even cross my mind! I was thinking that we should just go get some donuts" Brett suggested with a smile. This long call had been a bummer, and everybody's mood was pretty down, probably because of their tiredness. And Brett, as the sweet and caring person she's always been, wanted to cheer everybody up. And what better way to do so but with donuts.
"That is actually a good idea, but first I need to take a shower, I am all sweaty! Do you want to shower now, or later?" Gabby asked looking at her watch to see if they had time to just shower before going to get the food.
"You go shower, I'll take mine later, I am not that sweaty!" Brett replied back taking some gauze to put back in the bag.
"You say that because you make me do all the dirty work! I'll remember that Brett" Gabby said teasing and pointing at her friend as she walked past the different rigs and got back inside.
"Hey I'm doing a restocking while you take a shower, we are even bitch!" Brett shot back making Dawson giggled as she disappeared.
She walked to the bunk room where she saw her husband, sitting at his desk, shuffling his hair. She knocked at his door gently and gave him the brightest smile, as he smiled back at her and let her come in with a small nod of his head.
"Hey there, sexy man, you busy?" she asked with a glimpse in her eyes.
"No, I am just waiting for the boys to be over with the showers so I can take mine and get rid of this soot and sweat" he said passing a hand in his hair, a bit ashamed by how sweaty he was.
Gabby smirked and walked as close as possible to him, whispering in his hear as he looked up at her as he was still in his sitting position. "I can make some room for you in my shower".
Matt swallowed hard, suddenly feeling the need to run to the shower, and get undressed with his wife in his arms. He looked at his girl surprised, not expecting for her to actually be the one asking for an intimate. But he felt that she was probably horny, which made him pretty excited. "Is that an invitation?" he asked with a teasing tone.
Gabby was still looking at him intensely, with a smirk over her face. They both knew sharing a shower was not very professional and they always tried to keep the PDA under control while being at work, but right now, neither of them wanted to care or wanted to be professional.
"How quick can you be though? We wouldn't want to be interrupted during a very steamy baby making session" she whispered with a seductive tone, making Matt grin, and leaving his mouth dry.
He stood up instantly, pushing his chair back in it's normal position, and going to get his shower's supplies before putting a loving kiss, full of want and need, over Gabby's lips. "I'll meet you there"
Gabby bite her lips, happy to see that they shared the same ideas. She watched him go and followed after him. But before she could reach the locker room, she was stopped by Otis.
"Dawson you got a sec! I need an advice on something!" Otis said as he was still dripping wet from his shower.
"Otis, I swear if you are asking me some relationship advice, I am walking away!" Gabby warned really not wanting to have a conversation with her friend but really wanting to be joining her husband in the shower.
"No, it's nothing like that! It's not really an advice actually, it's more of a request… It's actually about Molly's! I can't cover tomorrow night, do you think you could cover for me? And I'll pay you back of course!" Otis promised, linking his hands, as if he was praying "Pretty please"
"Otis I had plans..." Gabby said groaning and rolling her eyes a bit upset that Otis was asking her now.
"I get it Dawson but look... I asked Stella but she has plans with Kelly and you know now that they are engaged and all, I didn't want to just impose on her" Otis explained, holding onto the towel wrapped around his waist.
"Otis, you know that I am married, that I have a child, and that I have some responsibility as a wife and mother?!" Gabby shot back, getting upset by the seconds.
"I know I know, and I swear, I'll take whatever night you want... Please I really need you" Otis pleaded with puppy eyes.
"What is so important that you can't work tomorrow night?" She asked.
"Cruz got last minutes VIP tickets for the Hawks game, and he told me like two hours ago..." He explained.
"A hockey game?! You're kidding me?!" She exclaimed running a hand in her hair.
"I am sorry... but Cruz invited Casey and-"
Gabby glared at Otis and groaned "You mean that Matt is going to the game?"
"No, I don't know... Listen... I'll tell you what, next week you have two nights at Molly's, I'll take them if you fill in for me tomorrow night" Otis said really hoping she would accept.
"My two shift this week, and the one next week?" She proposed raising her eyebrows, earning a roll of eyes from Otis.
"Okay fine!" He said.
"Perfect! Now get out of my way, I need to shower!" Gabby mumbled, walking past Otis, and walking quickly to get her stuff before going to the bathroom.
She got undressed quickly, and join her husband in the last shower. Matt smiled as she came in the cabin. "What took you so long?" He asked pulling her to him and planting a kiss to her lips.
"Otis, I have to cover for him tomorrow night..." she mumbled. "So I guess no date for us..."
"Am sorry babe, I know he really wanted to go to that Hawks game" Matt replied caressing her cheek.
"Are you going to that game?" Gabby asked, pushing Matt against the wall, giving him a challenging look.
"We had plans Gabs, I didn't say yes" Matt explained, getting a nod from his wife. He was a bit disappointed that their date was cancelled but at least they were going to enjoy the day together.
"I know, well... you can go if you want "
"Nah, I'll stay home with Louie, wait for you to get home" Matt replied kissing her lips once more.
"You're amazing, thank you" she said putting her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.
Matt smiled he knew that Gabby had to work and even though he wished they could spend the night together just the two of them, he also was very aware that she had responsibilities and that she had to cover for Otis. That's why he loved her so much though, because she was always willing to help people and always ready to step up so he knew that even if that night would not happen at least they would have a lot perfect and amazing night coming anyway.
The lieutenant ran a hand in his wife's back wanting to sooth her and make sure that she was relaxed he knew that she was upset and that she probably wished she didn't have to work but for now she didn't have much of a choice.
Matt sighed, as he could see the disappointment over his beautiful wife's face "Baby, it's okay, it doesn't matter, it's just one night, we can plan for another date night, okay?" he said gently, letting his finger dance over her hips.
"How are we supposed to make a baby if we can't have a date night, and just be together… I mean with Louie it's not easy to find time, and… And yeah I really want to get pregnant soon…" Gabby replied titling her head to the side, feeling a bit ashamed about being so adamant about getting pregnant.
"Sweet girl, listen to me, I know we want to get pregnant, and it's happening, but we are in no rush, I told you that before, I am not going anywhere, and neither are you, let's just take it one day at the time" the husband suggested with a small smile knowing he was getting through to her.
"Am sorry, I know I am a bit crazy about it…"
"Well it's good crazy, and it's how I love you!" he replied with a huge grin. "Now… We are here, together, and we could definitely make a baby right now" he continued with a knowing look as his girl chuckled pulling him closer to her. They shared a deep kiss as Matt ran his hands down her body.
"I love you" Matt said pushing his girl against the opposite wall so excited for this moment full of love they were sharing.
Finally they ended up in a battle of kisses, grateful for the next few minutes, wanting to make the best out of it, before they needed to get back to the real world. And for now, they just wanted to enjoy being together, to maybe create a new life that would bring so much love to their little family.
Gabby and Matt were sitting in a big hallway with Louie who was on his mother's laps and the three of them were just waiting for the school's director to get here. Gabby was nervous as she always is but tried to stay as calm as possible while Matt on the other end was pretty relaxed.
After shift Gabby and Matt got home pretty quickly because they needed to get ready for the meeting at the school for Louie. They were both pretty exhausted from shift as they had gotten a couple of calls during the night, but unfortunately they didn't get to really have some rest as Louis was really exciting excited to see them and wanted to play with them.
So after a few hours of playing, a big breakfast and a great shower, Gabby tried to find the right outfit to wear for this event and yes she was probably putting too much pressure on it as well but she really wanted this school to be perfect for her son, she wanted him to feel welcomed and she wanted him to appreciate and love school.
She was very much aware that her son was a shy little boy and that he would probably feel a little worried about going to school but she really wanted him to be treated like any other kids, and even more importantly she really hope it could be good for him to finally make friends and start to learn things.
"I think I should have put my blue dress instead of this… Why did I put black pants and a dark jacket it's too serious it's like I'm doing an interview for a job" Gabby whispered to her husband her nerves getting the best of her.
"Babe you look perfect, you don't have to worry! The woman we're meeting is not going to judge us on what we're wearing, she's going to explain to us how this school works and she might ask a few questions to Louie, it's not about us baby…" Matt replied running her hand over her shoulder not wanting her to be so stressed all the time.
"But what if she thinks Louie is not a good fit? What if she believes is not ready to be in school or what if he doesn't like it here?" She asked looking at a boy sitting on her who was more focused on his monkey then the conversation that was taking place between his parents.
"Gabby he's going to love school you don't have to worry about this I'm sure it's going to be great don't worry" Matt replied as a older woman walked to them.
This woman had a huge smile on her face and she looked really nice so when she approached the family Matt quickly to that ready to greet her.
"You must be Mrs. And Mr. Casey, I am Mrs. Kingsley" she said presenting her hand as Matt shook it.
"It's nice to meet you!" he replied with a smile, as Gabby stood up, putting Louie down and greeting the woman as well.
After saluting Gabby Mrs. Kingsley turn to Louie, who took a step back hiding behind his daddy's legs, really scared because he didn't know this lady. "And you must be Louie" Mrs. Kingsley said gently. She got a small nod from the little boy who really didn't seem to feel comfortable.
Matthew and Gabriela shared a look, Gabby was just worried for her baby while Matt just smiled knowing that their boy would quickly feel a lot more confident.
"Louie you don't have to be scared, Mrs. Kingsley is going to talk to us" Matt explained to his son, running a hand over the little boy's face. "Can you say hello buddy?" the father asked as Louie nodded and finally greeted the woman.
"We're sorry Louie is very shy when he doesn't know someone we're trying to find a way for him to be more open and maybe more confident but it's not easy" Gabby explained, she didn't like to see a little boy like this, so scared and worried and as a mother the only thing she wanted was for her boy to be hundred percent happy.
"You don't have to be sorry Mrs. Casey. I've seen a lot of children and a lot of them can be shy it's okay for Louie to be shy and once he'll be settled in his class he'll feel a lot better he's going to get used to it" Mrs. Kingsley replied as both Gabby and Matt nodded grateful that the woman was trying to release some of their worries.
The adults and the little boy walked inside a classroom where Louie would be able to play while the adults would talk. It was a big room, and Louie quickly ran to the pencils and started to make a drawing under his parents looks.
"He looks like he likes to draw" Mrs. Kingsley said sitting on a chair, motioning for Gabby and Matt to sit in front of her.
"Yeah, he does, he makes a lot of them, he's good at it!" Matt replied proud of his boy. He turned to look at his wife for agreement and she just replied with a very excited nod.
"He should be fine here. If you decide it's the right place for him, he's going to learn a lot. I am sure you have a few questions" She said as Gabby nodded. "I get this is a new situation but it's going to be okay" Mrs. Kingsley getting a sigh from the mother, as she was indeed very much stressed.
"Louie has been through a lot he… hum… He has not always been with us, we got lucky and adopted him but before that he was with foster families, one after another, he spend some time at DCFS and it's a situation that we want to put behind him but I'm a little worried that maybe he'll feel like we are giving him away in a sense…" Gabby explained as Matt looked at her surprised.
She had never voiced this kind of worries, and even though he knew his wife was worried about their son starting school, he didn't think she would be scared for Louie the way she was.
Gently he reached for her hand and squeezed it lovingly, giving her a gentle smile "I am sure he is going to do great" he said hoping to help her realize he would be fine.
"Your husband is right Mrs. Casey, Louie is going to learn that when he gets to school in the morning he says goodbye to mommy and daddy but he gets to see them again at night. Every parents and every kid is worried at first but he'll get used to it" Mrs. Kingsley reassured the mother as she saw Matt nodded.
"All we want is for him to feel welcome and for him to like school we don't want him to be scared to be here" Matt explained.
"Of course, and he will."
Louie called out for his father, and ran to him, pulling on his pants to get his attention "Daddy, come play with me? Please… There are legos!" Louie exclaimed.
Matt looked at his little boy with a grimace, feeling a bit uncomfortable because he couldn't just stand up and leave the conversation he was having. "Maybe after buddy, I am talking with Mrs. Kingsley" Matt said as Louie pouted, disappointed.
"You can go Mr. Casey" the older woman said smiling at the father who stood up excited like a child who was granted permission to go play. Gabby chuckled, loving to see this side of Matt.
She loved to see her boys play together, and she couldn't help but think about adding another child to that. "They like to play together" Gabby said to the woman.
"I can see that!" Mrs. Kingsley replied with a grin, really liking this little family. "I am looking forward to meeting Louie, and hopefully he'll lie his teacher, she is amazing, you all like her!"
"Well, all I want is for Louie to be happy" Gabby said her eyes still focused on her boys, looking forward to see Louie come to school.
Molly's was pretty crowded if you were to ask Dawson. She had not expected for so many people to come out tonight she didn't mind one bit because she was supposed to work but she would rather have a little less people because so much was very tiring.
Also she would be lying if she said she was glad to be here, indeed she wished to be home with her two favorite boys and just enjoy a calm night together. Leaving for money a few hours ago, Matt had promised her that they would take a rain check on this date night she was desperately looking forward.
Sometimes she felt a little selfish because most of the time the only thing she could think about was making a baby with Casey and she didn't like the fact that being close with Matt always meant making a baby, they had not really talk about it but she felt like their relationship and the way they worked together was changing and she didn't really like it and she was responsible for it because she was so adamant about getting pregnant.
It was something she needed to address with Matt but she also didn't know how he would react. Of course, she was pretty aware that she was the one always pushing to try for a baby, she was in the rush, while Matt on the other hand was not, he kept thinking that things happen for a reason and that they would get pregnant eventually.
Most importantly Gabby was worried, she was stressed, not only about Louie and everything around their lives but also about everything that happened to her in the past. She knew deep down that one day her and Matt would start questioning whether they wanted to have a baby or not and that eventually the time would come and they probably would try to get pregnant, but now that the time was now she couldn't help but freak out inside. Both her and Matthew had agreed to get pregnant and they were excited about it but she also felt really worried because she didn't want things to go south like the one before she didn't think she would ever recover from it if it ever happened again.
At some point, she was taken out of her sight when Herrmann got close to her running her hand over her shoulder making her jump. "You've been polishing this glass for the last five minutes is everything okay Dawson?" He asked he could feel that something was wrong with the young lady. He knew her very well and he could feel when things weren't okay for her.
"Huh? What did you say?" She asked looking at her friend a bit confused.
"You don't look good… you completely zoned out and I've seen you getting your own head a few times in the last few days, something is up…" Herrmann said hoping not to hurt his friend.
"You mean that I look like shit? That's not very nice!" Gabby teased putting the glass down on the shelf.
"I was not implying that you look like shit Dawson but I'm a little worried. You look tensed and you know that I don't like to intrude or get involved in things that don't concern me but I can feel that something is wrong and I really want to help you with whatever it is…" Herrmann explained, glad that people were not asking for anything to drink, giving him a little time to talk to Gabby.
"It's nothing really I just have a lot on my mind it's been a few crazy weeks and I'm just trying to navigate everything the best I can…" Gabby replied with a tired sigh.
"Tell me about it, I might be able to help you as the old man I am" Herrmann suggested with a grin, getting a chuckle from the Latina.
"Can I ask you a question?" she asked looking around hoping that nobody from the firehouse was listening to them, as Stella, Kelly and a few other members were at the bar, watching some cubs game.
"Of course, what is it?" Herrmann asked curious.
"I… I was wondering… hum… You… You remember last year when I… when I lost my baby… you told me that you and Cindy went through a similar situation…" She started not really knowing what to ask or how to.
"Yes I remember" Christopher replied with a sad look. He knew how hard it had been on Gabby, and some days he could see that she was really struggling with it.
"I was wondering, when… When you two decided to finally start trying for a baby again how did you feel? How did Cindy feel?" Gabby asked hoping it was not an intrusive question. It was very personal.
"Well… We took some time you know… To fully accept what had happened to us, and then we decided it was time to try again. Cindy got pregnant pretty quickly after that, we were a bit nervous of course but everything went well and now we have five crazy kids" Herrmann said with a smile getting a small nod from the woman. He could feel that something was bothering her and it was related to that. "Are you and Casey thinking about trying again?" Herrmann asked carefully.
"Actually we've been trying for a few weeks now but nothing yet"
"Dawson it's an amazing news! Casey must be thrilled!" Herrmann exclaimed really excited, knowing that both Casey had been looking forward to create their own family.
"Yeah he is… We are… But I got to say it hasn't been easy for me and I'm not trying to put too much pressure on this and I've been trying to stay calm and relax and not think too much about anything but it's really hard because I worry that I could have a problem again… and it's not like Matt and I already talked about it… about what happened before…" Gabby trailed off, playing with her wedding band.
"Gabby this reaction is really normal for someone who went through the trauma that you went through, and getting pregnant can take some time you've got to let the time do it's job you know. But I get that you're worried and it's a normal reaction you don't have to be ashamed of it but you also need to make sure that it doesn't stop you from doing what you need and what you want." Herrmann explained. He and his wife had been in their situation they had imagine a lot and everything came crumbling down and they had lost a baby but they were strong and fought back just like Casey and Dawson are doing.
"I know how stressed I am and sometimes I can't help but wonder what's happening in my husband's head because I feel like I'm the only one freaking out about getting pregnant and potentially losing my baby again…"
"Listen Gabriella take it from someone who is very emotional and was heartbroken when that happened, the best thing you can do is talk with your partner talk about your feelings about your worries and you should ask him about his feelings if he doesn't talk about 'em, just ask him maybe you'll have a conversation and you'll feel better after this" Herrmann suggested getting another nod from the paramedic who seemed to be spinning out a bit.
"You must be right…" She whispered her mind focused on her husband's reaction to her "miscarriage". "I think that Matt buried it deep inside of him when it happened, of course we talked about it and every once in a while we have a conversation but it's more me who talks in him who helps…" Gabby let out with a roll of eyes, wishing that maybe Matt would be more opened to talk about this.
"You should talk to him, just let him know how you really feel, tell him that you want to know how he feels, explain to him your fears. This is how you're going to get through it Gabby. Losing a baby and then trying to get pregnant again it's a complicated and difficult thing and process to do, not just physically but mentally. Your body went through a trauma but so did your mental health in a way and I know that you're happy with your son and your husband now but it's not like the loss of your child was ever something you could just forget about"
Gabby nodded letting his words sink in. She knew he was right, she knew she needed to talk to Matt. She actually felt bad that she was talking about all of this to someone else other than Casey. And she also felt bad because they were not supposed to be telling people about them trying to get pregnant.
"Hey Dawson why don't you just go home and talk to Casey?" Herrmann suggested.
Gabby tilted her head to the side, glad that he was suggesting this, but she couldn't just drop everything and leave him to do everything "I appreciate it Herrmann but I can't just leave you here with all the crowd that we have tonight…"
"Well whether you're here or not you're not really focus on your job so why don't you just take the night off and go speak to your husband, I'm sure he is still awake and I definitely think talking about what you feel will make you feel a lot better trust me"
Gabby sighed and nodded "Thank you Christopher you're the best!" she exclaimed kissing his cheek, before going to get her stuff to go home to Matt.
"You let me know how it went?" Herrmann asked. Getting another nod and grin from the young mother.
Gabby got home, a bit nervous, and hoping that Matt was still awake, not wanting to wake him up to have a conversation with him. She discharged her bag and coat on the hanger, and walked in the living room, where she found Matt, sitting on the couch, a bear in one hand, his eyes focused on the cubs game. She looked at the clock on the wall, definitely not expecting him to still be up at 1 am.
She quietly walked to the couch, as Matt turned around, a huge smile forming over his face. She walked behind him and ran her hand over his shoulders. "Hey you" she whispered as he smiled.
"Hey, you're home early" Matt said looking up to his girl, a grin on his face. "How was Molly's?" He asked gently.
Gabby gently bend down and kissed the side of his neck. "Molly's was crowed, Herrmann send me home" She explained, walking around the couch and sitting next to her husband, putting her legs over his laps as he caressed them gently.
"Why did he send you home? You okay?" Matt asked a bit worried.
"Yeah I am, I… We had a talk and I think we need to talk Matt…" Gabby said strengthening on the couch and facing her husband.
Matt raised his eyebrows, surprised by her sudden change of demeanor. "Okay… What is it?" he asked worried.
"You… Hum… You know that I've been nervous, about this entire baby thing… And the thing is… I am not completely relaxed about it. And I need to know if this is really what you want…" She trailed off, getting a shock gasp from Matt who looked definitely shocked.
"What? From where is this coming?" he asked.
"It's just… it's just that we've been trying for a while now and I thought that my worries would go away but it's not going away and I feel like you're not worried at all" She tried to explain. But Matt looked even more confused.
"I don't understand, why do you want me to be worried? And I mean we've been trying but it takes time to get pregnant we don't have to put so much pressure on this baby, I told you that already…" Matt said running a hand over her arm to sooth her a little.
"I… I'm not pregnant" Gabby let out, looking down, disappointed.
"Huh? You took a test?" Matt asked surprised because she had not mentioned it.
"I did, after shift, I just wanted to know… And it was negative those three tests I did were negative…" She explained. Indeed after the meeting with Mrs. Kingsley at school, gabby had decided to take a test or more like three because she really wanted to find out whether she was pregnant or not. She had not said it to Matt because she didn't want to disappoint him if she was not pregnant. And negative the test came out… Which brought a lot of questions for her, a lot of incertitude and worries.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? I could've been here with you…" Matt replied with a gentle tone, knowing she was sad that the test was negative.
"I wanted to tell you I really did but it came out negative and I didn't want to dwell on it… I'm sorry"
"Baby you don't have to be sorry, it's okay I'll try again" the firefighter said bringing a hand to his wife's cheek. "It was negative this time but next time will be positive, I just want to be there when you take a test, positive or not I want to be here with you." He continued as she nodded.
"The thing is, it made me think, and I guess I felt disappointed but relieved it was negative in a sense and I don't want to feel this way but I feel conflicted and I know it's not your case but I'm not really handling things well" Gabby explained.
"Baby, whatever this is you need to talk to me and I'm sorry that I didn't pick up on how you felt but if something is going on, if something is weighting on you, you need to tell me so that I can help you, this is how it works right? Us, you and I, we talk things through"
"You're right" the woman said ashamed of how she felt. But ready to explain what was bothering her. "Taking the test, on my own, without you, it reminded me of before, of the first time I had to do this… Alone. And I've been thinking about it all day long, about the day I found out and then the day I told you I was pregnant and the day we lost it… I've been putting this aside because it's been a long time and because things changed and are different now but I don't think I'm over it, and I'm not sure I ever will be, and that scares me because I really want to have a baby with you but I'm also terrified that something's going to happen again and I'm going to have to lose it again… I can't go through that again. And it made me wonder how you feel about all this…" She finished as Matt just nodded letting everything sink in.
Matt knew that it has been hard on Gabby, probably harder than it was on him, and after losing the baby he mostly focused on her and buried his own feelings for her. But now more than a year after the events, he realized that maybe he should've talked about it a little bit more, he realized that his girl was in some incertitude. And he hated the fact that he had avoid so much talk about this. And he felt disappointed in himself, because he had left his wife in some kind of fog.
He felt wrong because it was like he had not seen anything, he had not realized that Gabby felt so wrong about everything and even though they were both very excited about trying for a baby and getting pregnant he had forgotten about how it could affect them mentally. I know right now was probably your consequences of unspoken truth and feelings.
"After that happened, losing the baby, I felt angry, I couldn't understand why us, why you, why did we have to go through this… I mean we were both first responders doing everything right in our lives to help others but we lost the best thing that could have happened to us… I was angry more than I ever had been in my life before. At some point, I realize that anger wouldn't be the way out of my feelings and the pain that we were in, I knew that what mattered now was to focus on us, on getting better, on moving on without forgetting but still trying to put it aside…" Matt said every so gently, seeing tears forming in Gabby's brown eyes.
He didn't like to talk about all of this, even more because it was making her sad. But he knew she needed to hear it. Because it was things he had never voiced to her.
"The six weeks that followed the miscarriage I saw you fight through your pain, through your sadness and I was sure that you were and still are the strongest person I've ever met. You fought back and you got back to work and it was like nothing ever happened really…" Matt said getting closer to Gabby, not liking the space between them. "Do you want to know what help me fight my… My anger. It was you, it's always been you, just looking how flawlessly you went through this, it made me proud of you, of sharing my life with you and I knew that I needed to be as strong as you were, you're an example to me, and I'm proud of you, and how you feel right now is not a proof of weakness, it's the proof that you're still fighting every single day of your life to fill this hole that this loss created. You are one hell of a fighter Gabby Dawson, and I love you more than anything in this world, and if getting pregnant is too much right now, if it's a little too overwhelming or overbearing that you feel like maybe it's not the right time, we can slow down." Matt finished giving her the time to assimilate everything and also to give her a chance to talk if she felt like it.
"I don't want to slow down, I want us to have a baby, but this is exactly what I needed to hear" Gabby said as tears streamed down her face. It wasn't tears of sadness, she was just touched by what Matt had said. She was aware that it had not been easy for him either, but she was so grateful for him, because she was not sure she would have been able to go through any of it if it wasn't for him.
"Promise me something baby…" Matt replied gently.
"Anything"
"That you will talk to me, that if you don't feel okay, you will come to me. And I promise you that I'm going to be more open about what happened to us in the past and I'm sorry that I was not, that I kept a lot to myself, I thought it would do us good and I was wrong and I'm sorry for that" Matt apologized sincerely. Gabby nodded, coming to rest as close to Matt as possible, and putting her head to his chest, just wanting to feel him close to her.
"I promise baby" Gabby said gently, before continuing. "I love you, Matt Casey, you're the best husband and father I could have dreamt about, and I am so grateful to have you." She whispered as Matt put a small kiss to the top of her head.
"I love you too, sweet girl. We'll get through it, I promise" he said squeezing her body against his own, so glad to have her in his arms.
They rested like this, just letting everything sink in. They both felt relieved in a sense. They had not realized how much this conversation was needed, but they were glad they had been able to talk about it. Gabby would probably still feel stressed and worried, but she knew that her husband was by her side, and that through this time, he would always be the one she could turn to. That no matter what, they were in this together, and that if she had to go through a similar situation, she had Matt, right in her corner to pick her up. They were strong apart, but together, they would always be invulnerable. They would always go through every obstacles together like they always did.
They were a family, and nothing would ever compromise the love they shared.