Progress

...three months later...

Bella
As was usual for a Thursday afternoon, I bounced out of my last class almost straight into Jasper, who was standing patiently, completely unfazed, in the steady mid December snow. He grinned when he saw me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders like a ridiculously overprotective big brother, trying to shield me from the slushy downpour.

Alice only had one class today, in the morning, so Jasper and I had taken to hanging out together for the rest of a Thursday afternoon; he would meet me between classes to walk me to my next one, and then escort me home at the end of the day. Alice often used that time to go hunting, but last week she'd spent the entire afternoon shopping, coming home at the end of the day to find Jasper and I battling it out at Mario Kart, completely laden with shopping bags from every single store the city held... and very possibly a few distant ones too. I couldn't be sure. I'd never paid much attention to the shops in this pretty, little city. When I couldn't get out of going shopping, I spent most of the trips with my eyes closed just waiting for Alice to finish playing dress up with me so I could go home again.

I had to admit at first it had seemed a little awkward to spend any alone time with Jasper. He and I had never been particularly close. It's not that I was frightened of him, as such, but he did intimidate me a little, especially after my disastrous eighteenth birthday. I guess Edward had always been wary of him in my presence, so I had picked up on it. But I soon discovered that underneath the stoic, broody exterior was a very energetic, friendly gentleman, who I soon began to feel just as comfortable with as Alice.

We'd taken Edwards' Volvo when we left Denali - he hadn't come back again after our goodbye in the bedroom, so Alice hadn't seen any point in leaving it there for him, but she knew how I felt about the Volvo. She could hear how my heart skipped a beat and my mouth down-turned every time I saw it, so had soon ordered her yellow Porsche to be shipped to Juneau from Forks, and had been trying for the last three months to convince me to drive it around town. I flatly refused... and no one, not even Alice, could change my mind. It was too flashy for my liking and I could tell she felt the same... she wouldn't drive it around Campus, the only time it ever got any use was when we all made a weekend dash up to Denali for a visit... the Porsche could get us there in just a few hours with Alice at the wheel. So eventually the Cullen credit card got yet another workout one weekend when Alice took me car shopping and forced me to pick out something for myself. She groaned when I picked the oldest, rustiest truck that I could find - a prehistoric, dark green Ford ATV - but bit her lip and paid for it without a word. She didn't know it yet... or maybe she did... but I was going to pay her back every penny one day. I didn't mind sharing a house with them, but I drew the line at her spending her money on buying me a car.

Alice and Jasper had bought an apartment right near Campus for the three of us to share; a hugely spacious loft room with arched ceilings and stain glass windows. It was simply gorgeous, though not very well heated... not that that bothered Alice and Jasper, but, as I was a guest, I didn't want to complain. When Alice caught me shivering in bed on our second night there, she chastised me harshly for not telling her, and when I returned from school the next day a large, roaring gas fireplace had been fitted in almost every room and she had even arranged to have heating pads installed under the tiles in the bathroom. I hated that she had gone to so much trouble just for me, but of course she shrugged my shame off, telling me that it was good cover for them anyway... no human could have survived in there the way it had been.

I'd phoned Charlie just a few days after we'd come to Juneau, telling him the agreed upon lies that Carlisle had concocted for me back when I was pregnant with Renesmee. Thanks to endless hours of cuddling up with Alice and Jasper and listening to their life stories and advice, I could now actually say those words without breaking down into a quivering mess. Of course, I could never tell my father, or anyone, for that matter, about my pregnancy, but I didn't mind that at all. I was happy to keep all my memories of her carefully secreted away in my heart, to be shared with only a select few.

I had invited Charlie to come up to Juneau to have Thanksgiving with us, but he'd been unable to get away. He had fallen for the whole made-up story about Edward and I just needing to be apart for the time being to work on our career paths... we told Charlie that Edward was studying Medicine at the Ketchikan Campus, 13 hours away, while I needed to be in Juneau to study Marine Biology. He seemed to buy it. I didn't much like the idea of lying to Charlie, any more than I liked the idea of pretending everything was still fine between me and Edward, but the Cullen's had insisted it was necessary, if only for the time being. Too many questions would be raised if we announced our separation so soon after the wedding.

Edward wasn't supposed to be in Juneau - I'd caught enough of his fight with Alice in the dining room in Denali to know that Alice had ordered him to stay away from me - and while I loved her for it, a tiny part of me shivered with excitement at the knowledge that he had followed us here.

I'd seen glimpses him a couple of times, watching me from the shadows as I walked across Campus with Alice or Jasper, and it comforted me a little to know that he hadn't completely lost himself to his renewed blood lust. There was still some of the old Edward left in him if he was still watching over me. Hopefully one day he'd be able to overcome his guilt and return to his normal lifestyle... well, as normal as it had been before I came along, anyway. I knew that Edward was the sole reason why Alice and Jasper wouldn't go hunting together. They refused to leave me home alone, even if only for a couple of hours, they always took shifts babysitting me.

I had tried so hard to put everything behind me on that last day in Denali. I had achieved the impossible; I had said goodbye to Edward; closed the door on my marriage and on the idea of eternal life in favour of a normal existence, education, friendship... and a disappointing, aching loneliness.

I couldn't deny that I missed Edward. The gaping hole in my chest had been replaced by a dull, throbbing echo where my heart used to be. I still loved him with all my soul, and mourned for what we once had together.

But my heart, it was just gone.

It had been buried in that box back in Forks with the lifeless body of my infant daughter. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life alone. I could never, ever love anyone again, of that I felt absolutely certain.

But then I had to wonder what was the point of living out the rest of my life alone, of never loving again?

I asked Alice one night what she could see of my future; where I would be, what I would do, whether I could ever be happy again. She did not want to tell me, saying that if I knew of her vision, I would actively seek it, and therefore it would change anyway, but I persisted, and even managed to enlist Jasper's help... and eventually, unbelievably, I won.

"I have had a vision of your future Bella, and it was solid and clear. You will be happy again, I've seen it. I've seen you with a husband by your side, and a beautiful baby girl in your arms."

A baby. I was to have another baby. Another daughter.

I wanted to ask her 'when', but I didn't think I really wanted to know. I still didn't believe that it could ever be possible.

Tears had filled my eyes, and I'd quietly thanked Alice for telling me what I had wanted to know - then I had spent the next three days in bed. Alice had covered for me, telling my professors that I had the flu... but in truth, I just wasn't ready to go back out into that world yet... the world where I could forget about Renesmee and Edward and Jacob and move on with my human life.

I wasn't done grieving for them yet.

Edward
I tried to give her freedom from me; from our marriage; from what I had become, and from what I had put her through. If this was what Bella wanted, what she needed, then of course I would never stand in her way,mbut I could not seem to walk away from her and leave her be.

I had told her I would protect her and I would not go back on my word, although I didn't think I could have forced myself to stay away from her if I tried. I followed her everywhere, rarely letting her out of my sight for more than a few hours. I knew she had Alice and Jasper, and although I trusted them both implicitly to take care of her, it wasn't enough to make me comfortable with the idea of abandoning her.

I monitored the thoughts of those around her, all those that she came into contact with daily, even those who just randomly crossed her path. Most were fine, just youths intent on enriching their lives by education who paid little mind to the beauty and pain in the face of the angelic girl who floated by them; so obviously caught up in her own little world.

She didn't bother trying to make many new friends, some flocked naturally to her the way they had when she had first come to Forks, but mostly she focused on her studies and spent her free time with Jasper and Alice. There was one man in the building where my siblings had bought their apartment who had watched Bella with a disturbing intensity on the day they were moving in, and I could see that he bore a threat to her wellbeing... so I removed the threat.

It was as simple as that. I wasn't sure if he would have acted on his impulses towards Bella but I refused to take that chance. It was better to be safe than sorry.

At first Alice was furious with me for following them to Juneau, but her anger quickly faded into concern when she saw that I wasn't there to make Bella's decision harder, just to watch from a distance. Alice still hadn't given up on the idea of trying to convert me back to our 'vegetarian' way of living but she didn't let it put a strain on the time we spent together. Every night for the past three months I had come to their apartment.

When I was in a sociable mood, which really wasn't very often, I would tap lightly on the door in the small hours of the morning, usually risking being knocked over by my sisters enthusiastic hugs, where I would spend the evening playing the play station with my brother and trying not to think of Bella sleeping alone in the next room. But most nights I simply chose to sit on the roof of their building, right above where my beloved slept, just listening to her breathing and her heartbeat. It was enough to sustain me. Just knowing that she was recovering from all the damage I had inflicted upon her was enough to reassure me that I was doing the right thing. It was enough to keep me away.

I had slipped up twice... though, if I was allowing myself to be completely honest, those two times that she had seen me hadn't actually been accidental 'slip-ups'... they'd been moments of weakness.

A test, to see how she would respond to knowing that I was nearby.

But it wasn't fair on her to do that to her, I knew that, so after that second time I promised myself that I wouldn't ever be that weak again. She deserved to be able to put her memories of me behind her, and that wasn't going to happen if she kept catching glimpses of me from across campus.

I hunted the busy capital city every evening. I didn't actually need to feed that often, but there seemed to be no shortage of vile people for me to feast upon, and so I kept up my nightly vigil, determined to singlehandedly make Juneau a safe place for my Bella to live in.

I had stumbled across an underground crime ring run by a thug by the name of Joseph Arcella. 'Big Joey,' as he was known, was most well known for being a pimp for some of the best girls in the business, as well as being the drug dealer for some of the most disreputable thugs in town. If there was something shady going down in the City of Juneau, chances are that Big Joey had a hand in it. I'd been following his thoughts for several days, not really paying close attention, but listening out for the news of one of his 'girls' who was due to give birth with the baby of one of her clients, who just happened to be a local Senator, a friendly, seemingly happily married man with a young family.

Joey's activities wouldn't normally have required my intervention, but when I overheard him talking of blackmailing the birthfather, it had piqued my interest. Joey's thugs and hired goons had become quite a regular part of my diet and I knew I was beginning to get under his skin. It amused me when I heard his suspicious mind going over revenge tactics on a rival gang who he believed responsible for the deaths of several of his hired hands over the past few weeks. If he'd had even an inkling that they were killed by a vampire, he might have re-evaluated his priorities.

But I left Big Joey alone today; because today being Thursday meant that I got to spend a few hours alone with my little sister. Today it was her turn to choose the activity, and what would you know, Alice had decided to take me hunting. The vegetarian kind. I had chuckled at the suggestion, but when she smacked me on the arm with such sincerity, a touch of humor, and just a hint of desperation, I couldn't do anything but play along.

We didn't bother with the cars, knowing it would be quicker for both of us if we just ran, and while I was certain that I could never lose the ability to track an animal using my sense of smell I had to admit I was a little out of practice... a good run could only help me readjust. These days I did all my hunting with my mind.

I knew how hard my recent decisions had been upon my family. I had never meant to hurt any of them, but I couldn't go on pretending to be something that I wasn't. It was all well and good for them, pretending to be human, blending into the world. They lived off the blood of animals because they truly were good, and didn't want to be killers, but I wasn't one of them anymore. Really, I didn't know if I ever truly had been. Inside, I think I had always been a monster, I had just fought it, denied it for so long that I'd been confused. But I wasn't confused anymore. I knew exactly who I was.

I was only on this little hunting trip to humour Alice... it didn't mean anything.

I was broken out of my reverie when a solid ball of slushy powdered snow connected squarely with the back of my head. It was quickly followed by a second that hit my left shoulder, splashing snow onto my cheek, even getting some in my mouth... and a third which hit my ass. I turned towards her in a low crouch, growling menacingly, then without warning I easily leaped the 20 foot gap between us, tackling her to the snow.

I saw in her mind that she wouldn't move away from my tackle... she wanted this play fight, for old time's sakes. Her nostalgia made me sad. I didn't like that she had to resort to play fighting just to manufacture a reason for me to hug her.

She flipped us over, grabbed me by my jacket and sprung, sending us both flying into the air where we crashed against the trunk of a huge spruce. Grinning, I had barely felt my legs touch the tree before I sprung off of it, sailing, with Alice held tightly in my hands across a wide gap in the trees... landing us both carefully on a thin branch overhanging a small cliff, mostly buried by snow. Alice pushed me off the branch, grinning... but I grabbed her as I fell, both of us laughing as we rolled across the snow.

Alice cocked her head, meeting my eyes, a small, sad smile on her lips.

'I've missed this Edward.'

I hung my head, my eyes ashamed. "I have, too."

'Please come home with me? Nothing you've done is unforgivable Edward. We all still love you.'

I wondered briefly if she included Bella in that 'all'... but I knew it wouldn't do any good to dwell on it. She knew what my answer was going to be anyway, so I just smiled apologetically in response.

A vaguely familiar scent assaulted my senses, and I turned my nose to the wind. Alice smelt it too. With a quick grin, she darted off in the direction of our next meal.

The pair of Snow Leopards didn't even have a chance to run... they never knew what hit them. Alice tackled hers at the same moment that I pounced, sinking my teeth into the warm furry coat, letting the creature's clean, pure blood trickle down my throat in long, slow pulls, and I relished in the first feed that I had in nearly four months that wasn't the blood of a despicable human... but as I quickly drained the cat, my guilt returned. I wasn't worthy of ending the life of such a noble creature. I didn't deserve to feed on something so pure.

In that fraction of a moment my decision was made. I pushed the lifeless body away from me in disgust even as I felt the weaker blood mix and react with my body. I knew my eyes wouldn't be gold after just one feed, but they wouldn't be such a sickly, evil red colour either. The two combined would give me orange eyes. I wasn't worthy of anything but the sickening blood red that belonged to the murderous members of my kind.

I would stick to feeding from my own kind from now on. Murderers, and other evil beings.

It was all I deserved.