Things seemed to have settled with his mother but how will Jack react when he finds out he could be a father?
Nikki let the front door click shut behind her, feeling herself relax at the silence now engulfing her. The stress of the day dissipating enough for her to feel somewhat at peace. She wished that Jack had been here with her though, the thought of him being away from her and getting up to no good did add to her worries but she tried not to overthink it too much. He had promised her that he wouldn't go to the gym tonight and she trusted his word; even if he had gone against it quite a lot in the past.
She stepped through the hallway and into the kitchen, placing her bags down on the table. Despite wanting Jack to have been there while she took the test, she still decided upon picking one up. She pulled it out of the bag after switching the kettle on. She was leaning on the counter as she inspected the small box, she was tempted to just get it over and done with. At least then she would have an answer. But she couldn't bring herself to do it, she wanted Jack to be involved from the very beginning; regardless of the result.
Sighing, she ran her hands through her hair as she dropped it back down on the surface and set about making herself a coffee. Her head snapped in the direction of the front of the house as she heard the door squeak. She panicked even though she knew there was only one person it could be. Moving quickly she grabbed hold of the box and hid it in the draw, just in time as Jack appeared in the doorway; a bunch of flowers in one hand and a box of chocolates along with a bottle of wine in the other.
Her lips twitched fondly as she took in the sight of him, that stupid grin he always had on his face.
"I didn't want to be on my own," he admitted finally. "And I didn't know what you wanted so I got all three." He stepped into the room now, handing the flowers over to her which she had accepted gratefully.
The scent of the roses wafted into the room, "They're beautiful, thank you," she moved, reaching up on her tip-toes for her lips to brush his. Pulling away, she placed the flowers down on the counter while she rummaged through her cupboards in search of a vase. "What made you change your mind then?" She asked.
Jack couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of her, half of her body actually inside the cupboard. He let out a snort as she reappeared, a vase in her hand as her hair was skewed all over the place. He reached over to flatten it down for her before answering, "It seems you have turned me into a soppy git, as my father would say. And the moment I sat down in my apartment was the moment I realised I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching some awful drama that you have insisted we watch."
He creeped up behind her, his arms snaking around her waist as she stood by the sink; arranging the flowers. Her breath hitched as his hands landed on her lower stomach and the smile spread across her face. She leaned back into his touch, his lips planting kisses in the crook of her neck.
"It's been such a strange day," he mumbled into her skin. "And I just wanted to be with the one person who has this incredible way of making me forget about everything."
There was a pang of disappointment in Nikki, she had been seconds away from telling him but he had come here for an escape. How much of an escape is it to find out that you could be a father? She let out a deep breath, knowing that she was going to have to wait another day to tell him, at least until when all of this with his mother was over.
She turned in his grasp, her arms wrapping around his neck and her lips capturing his. Her hands soon travelled to cup his cheek as the kiss deepened and he was now pushing her into the counter. She chuckled as his hands roamed her body and his lips peppered her jawline before moving down her neck.
Jack took hold of her hand, guiding her out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
"Now how about that glass of wine?" Jack whispered, his arm around her bare waist as his lips pressed into her shoulder again.
Nikki's eyes opened wide at the suggestion, how was she going to get out of that one? She very rarely turned down a glass of wine and after the stresses of today Jack was sure to ask questions. She could feel his hand on her stomach again and she couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine.
She eventually shook her head, deciding that it might be a good thing if he started questioning her, "Not fancying it."
Jack propped himself up on his elbow to look at her properly, his eyebrows pulling together, "You really must be ill if you've just turned down a glass of wine," he smirked. "Come on, I don't want to be drinking on my own," he leaned down, their lips colliding briefly.
"Honestly Jack I'm fine," she smiled innocently.
But he was pushing himself off the bed and pulling the covers from him, "Well I'm going to pour you a glass anyway and if you really don't want to drink it then I will."
Nikki watched him as he attempted to make himself somewhat decent before he was looming over her to steal another kiss, "You stay there, I will be back in a minute."
She ran her hands over her face letting out a sigh, this was going to be a lot harder than she though it was going to be. She didn't want to go dropping another bombshell on him, especially after the day he's had. But she knew that he was going to start suspecting something sooner or later, he was Jack after all and nothing ever got past him so easily.
It then dawned on her that the test was still in the draw in the kitchen, the same draw that happened to also contain the bottle opener. Panicking now, she quickly draped her dressing gown over her body and all but ran down the stairs; the last thing she wanted to do was fall down them now.
But it was too late, he had already found it. She slowly walked into the kitchen, his hands leaning on the counter as the box sat in front of him. She couldn't see his face which was making it even worse, she couldn't tell if this was something he was happy about or whether he was debating on running for the hills.
The silence was deafening and Nikki could almost feel her eyes welling up as he continued to say nothing. All the thoughts running through her head, not a single one of them positive. When they had had that conversation in Brighton it had sounded as though he liked the idea of having kids one day, or perhaps he had just said that to make her feel better about the situation she had almost found herself in. She was scared that she had misjudged everything completely.
She bowed her head, she had managed to ruin a child's life before it even had the chance to begin. Why was nothing ever simple? She loved Jack and she wanted nothing more than to be with Jack yet she had managed to ruin that completely. She knew that she should've listened to the voice telling her that it would be a bad idea to give into her feelings.
Her mind returning to how she had felt in Mexico, when she had left him then. It was because she didn't want to break his heart, she didn't want to destroy him. And now here she was proving herself right.
She stepped forward, placing her hand on his arm; causing him to jump, "Say something Jack," she had barely got out.
When he turned his head to face her, it had felt as though all the air had left her lungs. She couldn't judge the expression on his face at all. There was a sense of dread filling her body now and she felt numb, "Jack, please," she begged, almost crying now.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He eventually let out, his voice croaking for the lump in his throat.
Nikki's eyes searched his, "I tried," she started. "When you came back from the scene earlier I wanted to tell you then but everything started with your mother and I didn't want to put this on you as well. You've been through so much today and I didn't want to overwhelm you."
"That's why you were ill this morning," he nodded his head slowly. "How long have you suspected it?"
Her eyebrows furrowed, "I don't know. It's been at the back of my mind for the past few days and I kept putting it off until this morning I- I was trying to find my diary to check the dates. To be sure that I hadn't got it wrong," she paused.
"How sure are you?" He pushed. "That you are…" He gestured his head in the direction of her stomach.
"I'm quite sure," she decided against telling him about the conversation she'd had with his mother, the conversation where she'd unintentionally told her first; but in fairness, she hadn't actually known that she was his mother at that point so she couldn't totally blame herself. She waited for a moment, still trying to gauge his reaction. "How do you feel about that?"
Jack shrugged his shoulders, "Honestly? I don't know," he looked at her, his face sincere. "I knew it was going to happen one day. I guess I didn't think it would be so soon," he noticed her face drop and he moved quickly, his hands on her shoulders. "Before you jump to conclusions, I'll be over the moon if it comes back positive. It's just a bit of a shock, that's all. I know you haven't done the test yet but whatever the outcome is I'm going to be by your side the whole time."
"You mean that?" Nikki swallowed, quite taken back by his sudden shift in mood. "You're not just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear? Because if this isn't what you want, or if you think this is too soon then I need to know. This is a baby Jack, a child. You know as well as I do how the littlest mistake can ruin their entire lives. Children know when they're not wanted and I don't want to put a child through that, I know how that feels. I know how that can damage a person-"
She was cut off by his lips on hers. She leaned into him, feeling herself relax; that was all the answer she needed. She could kick herself for ever doubting him but he had been a hard book to read sometimes. She had been sure that she knew him, that she knew all his thoughts but there would be fleeting moments where he'd surprise her and say something unexpected.
Jack's lips parted from hers, his forehead against Nikki's, "Like I said, he'd be mad to say no," they both chuckled as they recalled that conversation; all whilst digging through rubbish bins on a hot summer's day in the middle of Brighton. "And if anything, this little surprise coming along so soon is proof that we're meant to be," he rolled his eyes at himself.
Nikki's head snapped up at his words, her heart racing now. Jack's face screwed up, not expecting that reaction from her, "What is it?"
She shook her head, "Nothing," she cast her eyes away from him now as she thought about how his own mother had said almost the exact same thing to her that morning. "Just, something someone said to me earlier that's all."
Jack eyed her, not quite sure of what was going on. His hands resting on her waist now, "I say we put our minds to rest, don't you?" He winked, a grin spreading across his face. When he had opened the draw and found the box sitting in the middle of it, it was as though his life had flashed before his very eyes. He didn't know what to think, what to say. He was half tempted to put it back and pretend that he never found but he had heard her coming down the stairs.
He couldn't stop his mind from wandering to the conversation he'd had with his mother earlier, she had said then that he would make a good father but now there was actually a chance he could be, his head had gone in the opposite direction. He was thinking the worst. He could barely look after himself let alone a child. He took his anger out on punch bags instead of dealing with things properly; that was until very recently at least.
He'd enter cages to get the guilt kicked out of him, he was hardly father material. He had thought that that was possibly why Nikki had been so quiet about it, it wasn't exactly like her to keep something like this from him. And she was obviously suspecting it enough that she had gone out to buy a test specially.
And then he wondered if either of them were ready for this. He had been in love with Nikki for the past nine years but they'd only been together for a month. And despite the fact that Nikki had made it adamant that she was happy with him and didn't want to spend her time with anyone else, he couldn't be totally sure of that. He had watched her dip in and out of relationships so many times over the years.
Even to the point that he had told her to her face that she was scared of commitment. She had equally thrown an insult back at him so perhaps they were as bad as each other. But that thought scared him even more, they were both just as volatile and scared of relationships, having a baby mixed up in the middle of it all wasn't exactly ideal.
But then he had started thinking about what they would look like, whether it would be a boy or a girl. If they'd have dark hair like him or blonde hair like Nikki; would they have green eyes or brown eyes? That's when he realised that all his thoughts and his worries didn't matter. If Nikki was pregnant then that would be the most amazing thing in the world and regardless of whether or not something happened between them, he was certain that they would both give the child the love and care it deserved.
He smiled as Nikki picked up the box and disappeared down the hallway whilst he set about tidying the kitchen up and making the two of them some hot drinks; he had changed his mind about the wine, if it came back positive it wouldn't exactly be fair if he drank whilst she couldn't.
He knew that he was just fussing around now but she seemed to be taking her time and he was growing impatient; even more so when he knew they were going to have to wait even longer to get the actual result. The click of the kettle pulled him from his thoughts as he poured the boiling water into the mugs on the counter.
Jack jumped out of his skin as he felt a hand pressing into his back but he lifted his arm up so Nikki could tuck herself under, managing to steal a kiss from him in the process.
"How long have we got to wait?" He asked eagerly.
Nikki shrugged her shoulders, "A couple of minutes." She had never been so nervous in her life, she was starting to worry that she was going to give herself a heart attack if her heart continued to beat so rapidly.
Jack took hold of her hand, noticing that she was shaking now, "You're shaking darlin'," he spoke softly as he engulfed her in his arms and held her tightly; Nikki's face squishing into his chest. She breathed in, the smell of his aftershave bringing her a sense of comfort.
His term of endearment hadn't gone unnoticed either and she had felt the butterflies in her stomach as the word seemed to roll naturally off his tongue. She never had Jack down as being the type of person to give nicknames but in a strange way it suited him.
"How did it go with your mother earlier?" She had been meaning to ask him but everything else had seemed to get in the way and it was as if he was trying to avoid the conversation anyway. He didn't seem all that happy earlier, which didn't surprise her. But he wasn't angry either. He was calm. And that had made her even more curious.
He looked down at her, he should've been expecting her to ask that question, it was bound to come up and he couldn't avoid it forever. But then that is what had brought him here. He had gone to his apartment thinking he needed space to work his head around the whole situation but he had ended up wanting nothing more than to be with Nikki and to tell her everything that had happened. He just hadn't quite got round to that bit yet but there had been just the tiniest of distractions in fairness.
"Surprisingly well," he answered eventually. He was stirring the spoon in the mugs aimlessly, not really focusing on much. "It was strange though."
Nikki stayed quiet, wanting to let him speak and get everything off his chest. She watched him intently though, hanging onto every word he said; her hand taking hold of his and squeezing it tightly.
"I expected myself to be angry with her. I have spent the past twenty years going over all the reasons why she would've left. If it had been something that I did," he started, turning to face her properly, his hand smoothing down her hair as she looked up at him. "But as she told me about all of it, about how she had felt. I couldn't even bring myself to say something negative. Because I understood it all. I knew how she felt. Don't get me wrong, I'm annoyed that she did choose someone else over her own sons but," he gulped, feeling more emotional now as he reflected on today's events.
"Me and Ryan weren't kids," he continued despite the tears in his eyes welling up. "I had a couple of months left of Uni and Ryan had a couple of months left of school. She tried to stay for us and I really believe that she did. But she had fallen in love and I can't blame her for that. I just suppose that I'm more angry at the fact that she could've just told me. Instead of leaving without a word. My dad hadn't given her a choice but surely, both Ryan and I were old enough to understand and we should've been given the opportunity to understand?"
"Maybe your dad thought he was doing best by protecting you from the truth," Nikki suggested calmly. "Would your twenty-one year old self have reacted so rationally as you have today?"
Jack's lips twitched as he shook his head, "No, I don't think he would've." And there she was again, knowing him more than he knew himself.
"You're older and wiser now Jack. You've experienced the world more so of course you're going to be more inclined to understand your mothers feelings," she sighed. "I still don't like the fact she made no effort to get into contact with you though. If she had really regretted leaving she would've tried to find you, not just accidentally finding you on some bizarre off chance."
"She said that she had thought it would be for the best," he shrugged. "Out of sight, out of mind and all that. But if there is one thing, at least I know that it wasn't me that drove her away."
Nikki's eyebrows pulled together at that, "Why would it have been your fault?"
"I told you what happened with Katie. I didn't speak to them for months and after that I was probably ten times worse, always getting myself into some kind of trouble," he explained. "Things got better when I went to Uni but things still weren't great. For years after I thought that I had been the one to push my mother over the edge, that I had been the reason for her to leave. I think that's what I'm mostly annoyed about, the not knowing. If she had just told me what was going on, just told me the truth. I wouldn't have spent the past twenty years beating myself up for it."
The tears were falling down his cheeks now as Nikki moved to hold him; her arms around his neck.
"I just can't help but wonder, if there is a baby," he took a deep breath. "How can I be any sort of a father to it when I can barely look after myself? My whole life has been a mess and I have spent most of it hating myself. I'm not exactly the best role model."
Nikki pulled back from him, her hands cupping his cheeks, "You listen to me Jack Hodgson. That is what is going to make you a brilliant father," she spoke firmly. "I've had those thoughts. I didn't have the best upbringing either. But together, we know what not to do. And we are going to love this child," she took of his hand to place it against her stomach, her skin tingling. "I'm scared as well Jack but I'm going to be damned to not let what my father did to me, happen to this child. I will not put them through that. And I know that you wouldn't either."
Jack's face slowly spread into a smile at her words. She was right and it only made him more determined. And it made him realise how ready he was to be a father. Even more so when he knew that he was going to have Nikki by his side the entire time.
The pair jumped as the alarm for Nikki's phone sounded off, telling them that it was time. After that conversation both of them were thinking the same thing, both wanting the same result. Although if the result were negative there was one thing they both knew, they were ready to have children despite the short space time they had been together.
"You ready?" Nikki bit down on her lip in anticipation as she turned the alarm on her phone off.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Jack didn't let go of her hand as she moved to pick up the white stick that had been sat on the counter. He could feel her shaking underneath him and he was squeezing her hand to reassure her as best he could. "Nikki whatever the result is, it doesn't matter. If it turns out to be negative then I think we should actually try."
Nikki snapped her head to him, "You're serious?"
"I've never felt more serious about anything in my life," he grinned, leaning down to plant his lips on hers briefly. "So go on, check it. I'm losing my mind here."
She took a deep breath, psyching herself up as she turned it over. She felt her heart drop to the floor as she saw the word 'pregnant' on the small screen in front of her. Her hand shot to her mouth, the happiness filling every part of her; the tears dribbling down her cheeks.
Jack stood there, watching her, waiting for her to say something. He couldn't really tell what her reaction had meant, it could've been taken as happy or disappointment.
Losing his patience, "What does it say?" He felt breathless as she slowly turned to face him, her head giving him the smallest of nods. His lips parted, she was handing the stick over to him so he could read it for himself but he didn't need to read it, his arms were wrapping around her waist as he lifted her up from the ground with ease.
He couldn't describe the feelings that were bubbling up inside him, he had never felt quite so overjoyed. He was now lifting her up on to the counter, his lips pressed into hers. He had started the day off seeing his mother for the first time in twenty years and he was now ending the day with the news that he was going to be a father and he could hardly believe it.
Nikki's arms were around his neck, the kiss deepening. An excitement churning up inside her. She had had the past couple of days to prepare for this feeling but now that it was here and now she knew for definite, she couldn't explain the feeling. They were going to be parents.
It was the next morning, both Jack and Nikki were still buzzing from their news and could hardly contain their excitement; but they both knew that they were going to have to keep it to themselves for some time yet, at least until they were in the clear to tell everyone.
That hadn't stopped Jack from being overprotective of her however. It hadn't been twenty four hours yet he was offering to make her breakfast and telling her that she should be taking it easy; even to the point of demanding that he drive from now on. Nikki had scalded him for that, reminding him that he needn't be so dramatic about it all.
And she was beginning to grow annoyed at the fact that he had yet to peel his eyes away from her, every time she got up from her desk to grab a book, he was watching her every move. She had caught his eye when she sat down.
"Will you stop it," she shook her head at him but there was a twinkle in her eye and a smirk spreading across her face.
"I can't help it sorry," he replied, keeping his voice low so as not to raise attention to their conversation. "It hasn't sunk in yet."
She let out a sigh, "Have you spoken to your dad yet?" She changed the subject, not wanting someone to walk in and start asking questions because they were bound to, they did work with people who solved crimes for a living after all.
Jack nodded slowly, the expression on his face not a happy one, "Him and ma' are meeting up as we speak so if we get a phone call later telling us that a body has been found don't be surprised," he laughed.
"I think they'll be fine, your dad's quite laid back and time is always a great healer," she pointed out, looking over at him.
He was chuckling now, "You've not seen my mother and father in the same room together. He might be as cool as a cucumber these days but I'm sure my mother still knows what buttons to press when it comes to my da'."
Jack was suddenly distracted by Evan walking into the room, "I heard you went to take samples from the suspect on your own," he spoke, his eyes following the boy as he sat on his desk.
There was a worried look on his face now, as if he was in trouble, "Uh- Sam said it was fine and you weren't around so-" he stumbled over his words. The last thing he wanted was for Jack to have a go at him, he was his mentor after all. And as a mentor he really should've been there.
"There's no need to worry son," Jack grinned, holding his hands up in defence. "I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you that's all. Bet you never would've thought that you'd end up going to call outs - of sorts - on your own when you first started, now would you?"
Evan shook his head, "Absolutely not," he was smiling now as his eyes flicked between Jack and Nikki. He had grown quite fond of the pair over the past couple of months and he really was going to miss them when he left at the end of the week. But he was grateful for everything that he had learned from them, they had both offered him such a great insight into this world - and showed him things that he would remember for a long time.
He had been through so much, he had lost his best friend; the person he had loved most in the world. But thanks to the Lyell Centre and thanks to Sam, Jack and Nikki, he was able to look back on it positively. They had helped him through what could've been the hardest time in his life but they had supported him endlessly and he would be eternally thankful for them; definitely friends that he would now have for life.
"Speaking of which, how are the samples coming along?" Jack questioned.
"I've just sent them off and we should be getting them back in a couple of hours," Evan relayed as he leaned back in his chair.
Jack was distracted by a message coming through on his phone, turning, he reached into his pocket. It was from his father, letting him know that everything with his mother had been sorted and they had managed to avoid murdering one another - just about.
The smile spread across his face, that was one less thing he had to worry about. The other thing he was quickly reminded of when his eyes glanced over his desk to find Nikki gazing at him. He felt the flutters in his stomach, none of this felt real. It almost felt like a dream and he was waiting for someone to pinch him.
He wanted to tell his dad about the baby, perhaps then it would sink in that this was actually his life. He was actually going to get a little family of his own, with the woman of his dreams. But he hadn't known how Nikki felt about it. They'd only known about it themselves for less than a day but he just thought that his father had a right to know; he had been their biggest cheerleader after all.
Nikki watched him carefully, she could see the cogs turning in his head, "What are you thinking about Mr Hodgson?"
Jack quickly checked over his shoulder but Evan had seemed to have disappeared; he hadn't even noticed. But then he was back looking at Nikki, "How would you feel if we told my da' about…" he trailed off, not wanting to give everything away on the off chance that someone could overhear.
Nikki shrugged, she didn't know what to think. The thought of telling everyone else hadn't crossed her mind one bit; she didn't exactly have anyone she could confide in, apart from Sam and Evan. But even telling them seemed out of the question for the minute, this was her and Jack's business, it almost felt wrong to involve them in it so soon. But Jack's dad was different, for one he was Jack's dad. And she had grown so close to him over the past year, after everything that had happened and they had almost struck up this father and daughter bond; he had a right to know, if anything.
She had spent so long without parents she had forgotten what it was like to have them around, and to have them know everything about you. And she supposed that they would have to tell his dad before his mother accidentally slipped up and then Nikki really would have some explaining to do.
"We can if you want to," she spoke finally.
"How about this afternoon?" He dared to ask.
Nikki nodded her head, "Sure," she offered him a gentle smile of reassurance.
"Ah Jack, you're here, can I have a word please?" Sam asked as she walked into the offices; interrupting them. But as quickly as she had entered she had left, expecting Jack to follow directly behind her.
He shared a look with Nikki but it was fairly obvious what the woman had wanted to talk about and, if anything, he had been anticipating it. It had been revealed that her best friend, of however many years, had actually been her colleagues mother - there was bound to be lots of questions she had wanted to ask him. And if he was being honest, there were plenty of questions he had for her, she probably knew his mother the most.
Jack stood and wandered into Sam's office. He was feeling fairly calm about the whole ordeal; he had all night to come to terms with it and he did have something else to take his mind off other things.
Sam eyed him as he entered her office, she didn't even know where to start. It had been just as much as a shock to her - although nowhere near as damaging, Marie had just been a friend to her, not her mother that had walked out. She had managed to get hold of her last night, had even invited her around for a glass of wine.
She had wanted to see if her friend was okay more than anything. But she had wanted to get an understanding, how she didn't know anything about her sons whereabouts. And quite frankly, she had wanted to talk to someone about the whole bizarre situation. It had been a coincidence to end all coincidences that her best friend's son had ended up working in the same place that Sam had not only been in charge of in it's first couple of years but was now working there once again.
Sam waited for Jack to make himself more comfortable before she opened her mouth to speak, "I think the first thing, the most important thing, how are you?" Her voice was soft, comforting.
Jack shrugged, "As good as I can be, I suppose," he let out a sigh. "It's quite strange. I haven't seen her in over twenty years and the last thing I was expecting was for her to turn up at my place of work, let alone find out that she's been your best friend for years."
"Yes, that was quite a shock to me as well," Sam nodded, almost wanting to chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Her hands were now clasped together. "I spoke with her last night, she told me her side of things. But I wanted to get yours, I suppose. I'm still your boss and I need to know if you want any time off, to deal with it all. To get your head around it."
He shook his head, "That won't be necessary," he responded. "If you had spoken to me before I had that conversation with her I might've said yes. But since then, since hearing what she had to say. I'm okay. I really am," he emphasised, noticing the unconvinced look on Sam's face.
"I expected myself to be angry with her but I've spent the past twenty years doing that and I'm tired," he breathed. "And when she gave me her reasons, I understood them and I couldn't judge her for that. I suppose I can't be angry about something that happened so long ago, there's nothing I can do about it now so why waste the energy?"
A smirk spread across Sam's face, Nikki and Jack hadn't been together all that long but she could see the effect the woman was having on him already; or perhaps that had been the therapy sessions he had been attending. Sam didn't quite know but what she did know, the Jack she had first met a year ago would not be saying this right now.
"What?" Jack's face screwed up, confused as to why Sam was now suddenly smiling at him.
"Nikki's worked her number on you, hasn't she?" She chuckled. "How long's it been? A month? And you're already a changed man."
Jack rolled his eyes, even though what she was saying had an element of truth. Nikki had had an effect on his mentality and behaviour, she had been doing that since the moment he had met her, but perhaps being with her constantly had made that even more noticeable - not necessarily to him but more so to an outsider such as Sam.
He laughed as he wondered what Sam would've made of him had she had met him when he first started, then she really would have something to say about how much he had changed. His stomach fluttered at how that could've been as a result of his friendship with Nikki; of course there were other elements that played a role. He had been through a lot after all, but the only constant was her. And she was never one to keep her opinions to herself; especially when it came to how he reacted to situations.
The memory of the two of them playing pool together in the pub flashed in his mind. He had only just been employed at the Lyell that day and she was already scorning him for enjoying boxing as a sport. Telling him that it was wrong and how much damage it could do to a person. (But how can you break something that is already broken in the first place?) It was the way she had been so confident and so sure of herself that had attracted him to her in the first place - he suddenly recalled how he had said 'now that is sexy,' he meant every word.
Sam clearing her throat had brought him from his daydream as he remembered what Sam had said to him, "You could say that," was all he came up with.
Knowing that she wasn't going to get much more of a conversation out of him - he had never been one for long conversations; the only exception to that rule being Nikki - she closed off with, "I mean it though, if you ever need time off. Or if you feel as though it's all getting too much for you then let me know. This isn't something that you'll get over in a day, and you should know more than many how up and down your emotions can be when it comes to these sorts of things."
Jack nodded, grateful to have the woman's support, "Thank you Sam. It really means a lot," his lips twitched fondly as he stood up. He reached the door, his fingers brushing against the handle before he was turning back to look at the older woman. "I don't blame you by the way. You weren't to know. And I've forgiven her. I don't think we'll ever be as close as a mother and son should be but it's a start. And she's got twenty years to catch up on and I don't think it would be very fair of me to push her out now that I have found her. I'm not her, I'm not just going to walk away."
Sam smiled, "There's no rule book to this," she offered. "Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. I know she's my friend but this has to be on your terms, she was the one who left. If you don't want anything more to do with her then that's up to you and I'm sure she can understand that. What I think you are doing is brave and you should be proud of yourself. I'm not sure I'd be able to do it. But I know that Marie is grateful for you giving her the time."
Jack nodded his head, not saying anything else as he left the room. He didn't need to add anything. But it was something to hear that he had the support of Sam despite her impartiality in the whole situation. She was able to do something that he often struggled with; being objective. He had always thought that, being a forensic scientist, that would come second nature to him but alas not.
That was something he had in common with Nikki, they had never been able to just take a step back. So he had to commend Sam on that. Although, from what he heard - from Nikki - she had not always been quite so impartial. So maybe it was something you learned the older you got. Jack wasn't sure at all.
That afternoon rolled around fairly quickly and Jack and Nikki were getting out of their car, arriving at the same cafe Jack had spent hours talking to his mother in, the previous day. Jack had taken hold of Nikki's hand, squeezing it after noticing that she was now looking rather worried.
What he hadn't quite anticipated as they walked in was seeing his mother there. He couldn't help but feel annoyed at that, of course he wanted to involve her in his life more now that she was around but it had to be one step at a time. He turned to Nikki before his parents had a chance to spot them approaching.
"We don't have to tell him today," he breathed.
Nikki's brows furrowed, her head flicking between Jack and the other two people in the room. Then she realised why Jack was suddenly backing out and she knew that she was going to have to tell him. She let out a breath, "She already knows."
Jack took a step back, not expecting that at all, "What?" Fell from his mouth.
Nikki was running her hands through her hair, "Yesterday, before you came back I spoke to her. I didn't know she was your mother," she was trying to speak quickly so as to get her explanation out before he started kicking off. "She seen that I wasn't right and it was just a conversation. Trust me, if I had known for definite that she was your mother I never would've said anything."
"Why didn't you tell me this yesterday?" He was growing agitated now and he could see in the corner of his eye that his dad had noticed them and he was slowly making his way over to them.
"I didn't have a chance, we were both so caught up in the moment, I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up the fact I'd accidentally told your mother that I could've been pregnant with your child," she got out, breathless now.
Jack closed his eyes, trying to remain calm as his father joined them.
"Everything alright?" Conor asked, his eyes bouncing from Jack to Nikki, wondering what had just happened between the two of them in the space of a minute; they had seemed happy until they had seen Marie sitting with him. He looked over his shoulder at his ex-wife. "Look I tried to keep her away but she insisted on coming. Said something that made it sound as though there might be something you want to tell us."
Conor watched for Jack and Nikki's reaction but the pair remained stoic, giving nothing away - the hopeful look on his face dropping now.
"Right, well. How about we go sit down first and then talk?" Conor breathed, guiding both of them to where he had been sitting as he rolled his eyes at them.
Nikki swallowed, suddenly feeling very awkward; Jack's hard glare making it even worse. Marie, picking up on this tension, spoke, "How about you two get us some coffees?" She had directed at Jack and Conor who shot up instantly, neither wanting to sit in the silence.
Marie waited until they were out of earshot before grabbing hold of Nikki's hand, "Now if this is about what I think this is about, I just wanted to say that I couldn't think of anyone better for my Jack to start his family with," she grinned. "I barely know you but I know you enough that I am sure you will make him happy."
Nikki's lips twitched, the tears filling her eyes. She wasn't used to this, having someone comforting her the way a mother would. Soft spoken words, a gentle touch. It had been something that she had been missing for most of her life and the emotions were overwhelming her; although she could also put that down to the fact that her hormones were all over the place at the minute. She brought her hand to her stomach, there was no hiding or shying away from it now. The woman already knew and Nikki could hardly contain her excitement anymore. She was going to be a mother herself and although she was only a couple of weeks, she could feel herself glowing already.
"Oh you are, aren't you?" Marie beamed, pulling the younger woman into a tight hug. "Congratulations," she exclaimed before dropping her arms and looking directly into Nikki's eyes, her face serious. "You must promise me that you will not do what I did. Learn from my mistakes. I have never regretted anything more in my life than leaving my two boys behind."
Nikki stayed silent, nodding her head. She didn't want to add anything, there was nothing she needed to. She knew what the woman was telling her but that also didn't need saying. There was no way she would ever walk out on her own child, not in a million years. She wanted to like the woman that was sat opposite her, Jack had forgiven her after all. But there was something that she couldn't get on with and she wasn't the biggest fan of how she had suddenly inserted herself back into Jack's life as though nothing had happened.
She had known Jack for nine years and she had first hand witnessed the grief and guilt he had placed on top of himself. She had been able to narrow it down; his affair with Chrissie, what he had put his brother through. But the biggest guilt he carried with him was something she had never been able to put a name to, until yesterday of course. She had watched that eat him alive in the time that she had known him; and although this woman was his mother, she had never watched that. She had never experienced that.
She had never held her own son whilst he cried. She had never seen her son in that hospital bed fighting for his life, not knowing that the person he looked up to and admired the most in the world had been sacrificing his own life to save his. She had not watched her son getting the life beaten out of him because he had decided to blame himself for every bad thing in his life.
Nikki was willing to get along with the woman; she seemed kind despite her faults. But those thoughts were always going to be at the back of her head. Nikki had been there with Jack through thick and thin over the years, she had watched him go through many harrowing moments of his life; she had known Jack more than his own mother did. And that would be something that she would never forget and she was sure that Jack wouldn't either. Even if he was willing to forgive her, he would know that he would never have a close relationship with his mother, not after everything.
She was pulled from her thoughts as Conor and Jack approached and she had known instantly that Jack told Conor from the way he had been smiling from ear to ear. After placing the fresh coffees down on the table, Conor was engulfing Nikki in his arms, holding on to her tightly before letting her go and sitting in his own chair.
He was patting Jack on the back, "Well, I think my son should start thinking about getting down on one knee, don't you?" He was winking at Jack now.
Jack shook his head, rolling his eyes, "One step at a time, 'ey da'?"
Nikki couldn't help but chuckle at his dad's suggestion; more so the look on Jack's face.
The four them of talked for the best part of an hour before Jack had a text message from Evan coming through on his phone; the results had come back and both Jack and Nikki were now needed back at the Lyell. The two made their apologies and left.
As they pulled up outside the Centre, Jack looked over at Nikki; the annoyance he had felt earlier had quickly dissipated, he never could stay angry with her for very long anyway. He reached over the threshold, taking hold of her hand, "I'm sorry about earlier."
Nikki glanced over at him, shaking her head, "Why are you saying sorry? I'm the one that told your mother," her face sorrowful.
"But you didn't know so I can't blame you for that," Jack replied.
She leaned over, pressing her lips into his briefly. She didn't want to say anymore; she didn't need to.
They both then left the car and made their way inside where they were greeted by Sam and Evan who were both sat at his desk.
"What's so urgent then?" Jack asked as he perched himself on the edge of his own desk and looked over at the two people.
"I sent the samples off, as you know," Evan started. "The DNA of Andrew Peters matches that of the DNA we found on the glass, as we expected. DI Saunders and DS Freeman are making their way down as we speak and they've asked that we do a forensic sweep of his house when they take him in for questioning."
"You know as well as I do that there could be many explanations as to how his DNA got on the glass, he's her son. His DNA is going to be all over the place," Sam interrupted, standing up now and moving into the middle of the room; her arms folded. "So they want us to find as much evidence as possible that would place him at the centre and actually prove that he was instrumental in his mothers death."
"And if he is?" Nikki pushed. "Who's to say that what he did was a bad thing? She was suffering, in horrific pain. All he did was help her to not suffer anymore, is that really such a bad thing?"
"Nikki," Sam shot her a warning look. Her tone scarily reminding Nikki of how Leo had the same way of saying her name whenever he was annoyed at her. "It's not our place to decide whether it was a bad thing or a good thing, we don't have to make that judgement. We simply provide the evidence we find and leave it at that. Our job is to be impartial and scientific."
Nikki shrugged, she knew the older woman was right and she had certainly been one to shout about simply presenting the evidence and not interpreting it. But she couldn't help it sometimes and supposed that it was only human of her to ask such questions. Her job may to be objective but often is the case, you can't always take a step back. This wasn't her case so it was even less her business but she felt the need to ask questions anyway; give them food for thought.
The detectives had soon turned up and Jack and Evan were now following behind them in the car as they made their way to Andrew Peters house. It was ordinary looking, as they had suspected. And when DI Saunders and DS Freeman knocked on the door, his face told them that he wasn't all that surprised by their arrival. Jack and Evan watched as they took him away in their car before the two of them set about collecting the evidence.
They hadn't been there long and they hadn't found anything that would be of worth. Which hadn't shocked neither Jack nor Evan. Nikki had a point earlier, from what they had found in the post mortem, it was very obvious that this woman had been suffering so even if her son had helped her in the process it, was it such a terrible thing to end her suffering?
But they had to put their feelings aside, they had to be objective. Even if they thought that the son helping had been something brave, it was still a crime. And it was still illegal to assist in someone's death, whether they liked it or not. So they continued throughout the house, trying to find anything that would give them any answers.
It had been well over an hour and still nothing had been found of any note, that was until Jack had been searching under the bed and found a laptop. His eyebrows had pulled together in confusion, it was quite an odd place to store a laptop. Unless of course it wasn't working but as Jack opened it up he could see that it was perfectly fine. Nothing appeared to be broken so why had it been under the bed? But the investigator in his brain was telling him that someone would only hide something if they were trying to conceal evidence that could frame them.
Placing it into an evidence bag, he joined Evan downstairs once again. "Find anything?" He asked the boy, to which Evan had responded with a shake of his head. "I think that's going to be it then don't you?"
Evan shrugged his shoulders, "No point wasting any more time," his eyes glanced down to the bag Jack had been holding. "Think that's going to be useful?"
Jack lifted it up, "Might be. Guess we won't find out until we take it back to the Lyell."
"Explain to us, how and why your fingerprints had been found on a glass in your mother's home?" DI Saunders pushed, growing quite annoyed at the fact that the man wasn't giving them the answers they had so desperately wanted.
"I told you, I don't know," Andrew persisted, glancing over at his lawyer.
"How did that glass end up by the kitchen sink?" DS Freeman now piped up, his hands clasped together as his elbows leaned on the table between them. "We know that it would've been impossible for your mother to have taken the drink downstairs and make it back upstairs in time before she passed. That's not even taking into account her condition. As her doctor had put it," he was now pulling up the notes they had recorded. "She could barely walk for the excruciating pain she had been in."
"So, we'll ask you again, how did that glass end up at the kitchen sink with your fingerprints all over it?" DI Saunders' voice was firm and it was clear that she wasn't wavering.
Andrew let out a sigh, knowing that he couldn't continue with this charade, "Fine, I put it there. I found my mother in the morning and I panicked. I moved the glass. I don't know why I did it, I just did."
"You're going to have to do better than that," DI Saunders scoffed as she opened her file and retrieved photos showing a pestle and mortar. "We were able to narrow down that the drugs used to kill your mother had been crushed before being mixed into the water. We happened to find traces of that morphine in this," she was pushing the photo across the table for Andrew to see. "Now, these had been cleaned. Can you explain that?"
Andrew shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know," he gulped. "Maybe she took the time to clean up beforehand? I wasn't there, I wouldn't know."
DI Saunders opened her mouth to ask another question when there was a knock at the door. She took a deep breath, trying to not let the annoyance of the interruption be known, it wouldn't be good for her to lose her temper right now. She leaned over to pause the tape before she made her excuses to see what was so important that they had to intrude her interview.
"What is it?" She questioned, her arms folded and the look on her face stern.
"Jack Hodgson, the forensic guy," the young police officer stumbled over his words, feeling quite threatened by the older woman's glare. But he continued anyway, knowing that it was important and he could see that DI Saunders was growing more impatient the more he took his time. "He has found a laptop with, uh, various searches in his deleted search history. The important ones are highlighted," the boy handed a piece of paper over to the woman. "Oh he also told me to tell you that he had found this laptop under the bed."
She accepted it with a nod of her head and not a single word passing her lips. Her eyes scanning over the words and digesting the information. This case was starting to take shape and Andrew was looking more and more guilty.
With a smirk on her face, she entered the interview room again. The door clicked shut behind her as she made her way into the room and sat down at her desk. She gave DS Freeman a small nod and he was pushing the play button down on the tape.
DI Saunders passed the piece of paper over the table, "Care to explain this?" She raised an eyebrow at the suspect, feeling rather smug about the situation now that she was certain she had the upper ground.
Andrew lifted the piece of paper, his heart racing as he saw all the searches he had made over the past couple of weeks; he had tried so desperately to delete them all and he was sure that he had. But evidently not. He had nothing to say, nothing that would get him out of this situation. He had well and truly dug himself a hole.
"We're going to need an answer Andrew," DI Saunders insisted, the smile growing as Andrew remained silent.
He ran his hands through his hair, not even bothering to look in the direction of his lawyer now. There would be no use, the detectives had made their minds up and they were going to prove that it was his fault no matter what he said.
He leaned back in his chair, "What do you want me to say?" He breathed.
"If you had nothing to do with your mothers death then how come there are searches that you made on your own personal laptop, showing that you had done thorough research into the very thing that you would commit within a matter of weeks," DI Saunders began, her elbows leaning on the table now. "Searches that you tried to delete and also a laptop that you tried to hide."
He watched the detective closely as she spun the story, coercing him into giving an answer that would prove he had caused his mothers death, "So you have my laptop?"
"I'm asking the questions Mr Peters not you," DI Saunders shot back, her tone serious.
"If you have my laptop then there should be a video file on there that will prove my innocence," he explained, feeling somewhat calmer. "If you can fix it that is."
"I'm sorry, I don't understand?" DI Saunders furrowed her brows.
"The reason why I had to hide my laptop and delete the search history was because I knew this would happen," he ran his hands up and down his face. "We made a video, it will show my mother taking the drink herself. It will prove that she did it all by herself. I wasn't even there. She asked me to be there but I couldn't face it. I agreed to help set up the video and I left. When I got there in the morning I tried the video but it had corrupted. I panicked and I knew that I would look guilty so I did what I thought was best."
"But in doing so you've lied to the police and made yourself look even more guilty," DS Freeman piped up. "And what if we can't recover this video, what then?"
Andrew shrugged, the tears slipping down his cheeks, "I don't know."
"Right," DI Saunders leaned back in her chair and turned to DS Freeman. "We need to talk to Jack, find out more about this video. I will suspend the interview until then." She leaned over, pressing the button down once again before standing up and walking out of the room; DS Freeman hot on her tail.
DI Saunders was already pulling her phone out of her pocket and dialling Jack's number. The dial tone rang briefly before she heard the Irish accent on the other end of the line, "Jack, have you found anything else on the laptop? Anything interesting?"
"Nothing of note yet, why?"
"He's talking about a video that was made of his mother, explaining her death. A video that will put him in the clear," she explained. "But apparently, it was corrupted. Will you be able to recover it?"
"I can try."
"Good, we'll be there in about half an hour," she didn't give Jack a chance to reply as she hung up the phone and placed it back in her pocket.
"Who was that? Nikki asked, her face full of confusion as Jack stared back at his phone; his eyes wide in shock.
"Uh, Saunders," he answered. "She wants me to recover a video that might be on Andrew's laptop. A video of his mother just before her death."
"Well that shouldn't be much of a problem should it?" Nikki pondered as she leaned back in her chair and gazed over at Jack.
"No but," he started. "She wants me to get it recovered in the space of half an hour."
A smirk spread across Nikki's face, "Well you've always liked a challenge Jack so it shouldn't be too much of a problem now should it?"
Jack raised an eyebrow at her, he knew what she was doing and he didn't need the encouragement if he was being totally honest. He was perfectly capable of getting it working in less than ten minutes; depending on how bad the video had corrupted that is. But if it was any worse than expected he may have to give a certain forensic examiner a call - and Jack would be damned to give her any hints that he was missing her.
He made his way into the lab, retrieving the laptop from the evidence bag once again. Jack got on with the job in silence, Nikki bringing him a cup of tea in the middle of it; which he had accepted gratefully. But it hadn't been that hard and he had found the video fairly quickly. Further finding out that it had just been the beginning that had ended up being corrupted, the rest of the video - or at least what was important - had been just fine.
And it was just in time as the detectives were banging on the glass doors of the entrance. Nikki moved to let them in and guided them into the observation room where Jack was setting up the laptop ready to show everyone.
Evan and Sam had soon joined them; all settling down in the chairs as Jack started the video on the screen. They all watched as the frail old woman spoke through the screen, explaining every little detail of what she was going to do and that she was fully aware of the consequences. DI Saunders leaned forward, trying to listen out for any movement in the background; to see if anyone else was present throughout this. But there was nothing, not a single breath, not a single sound.
"Can we place Andrew in the room?" She spoke, interrupting the silence that had settled around them all.
"I have gone through as much footage as possible," Jack stood at the front as he glanced over at everyone. "It cuts out after a while, I'm assuming that the battery had run out because there are a few hours of footage."
"And he doesn't appear once?" DS Freeman queried.
Jack shook his head, pausing the video now; they had seen all that they had needed to see. "What does that mean?"
DI Saunders sighed, relaxing her shoulders, "It means that he's telling the truth," her hand rested on the table in front of her, feeling rather defeated now. "But his DNA was on the glass, surely that means he helped her to die?"
"Not necessarily," Nikki pointed out. "There could be a number of explanations as to how his fingerprints ended up on the glass, he's her son. His DNA is going to be all over the place. They could've been from before, it's all just supposition and you can hardly build a case upon it. Especially not with that video," she was gesturing to the screen now. "If she insisted that she did everything herself, then she did everything herself."
"I have to agree with Nikki on that one," Sam cleared her throat. "There's not much of a case now. And before you ask, I'm not going to waste any more resources on it. We've found our answer so let's leave it." She could see that look in DI Saunders eye. She had seen it on so many detectives faces over the years, it was blood thirsty. She wanted the son for this and she wasn't going to give up on that.
But with these sorts of cases you had to know when to take a step back. This was emotional as it was, you didn't need to make it more harrowing. A son had lost his mother, that was traumatic enough; lest being convicted of murder - or manslaughter.
"Well, he still lied to us and he won't be getting away with that," DI Saunders stood up, not losing her determination in the slightest.
Jack, Sam, Evan and Nikki all shared a look between them as the two detectives left the room.
The week had soon come to an end and it was now Evan's last day. Not much else had come out of the assisted suicide case; Sam had stuck to her word and did no more investigating but from what she could gather they had charged Andrew Peters with perverting the course of justice - which would no doubt end up as a suspended sentence given the circumstances. But that wouldn't mean much to the team at the Lyell Centre until it went to court.
Sam had organised for the four of them to meet up at the pub after work to give Evan the send off that he so rightly deserved. He had helped them a lot over the past year and it wouldn't seem right somehow if they didn't say goodbye properly. She was waiting with Michael for the others to arrive. Evan had turned up long before Jack and Nikki who were surprisingly taking their time; she had noticed a shift in them this past week - there was something different about the couple.
She had put that down to everything that had happened in the past month.
Sam moved, engulfing Evan into a hug; she had almost felt this maternal love for him and it genuinely felt as though she was losing a son. But she couldn't be more proud of him, he had handled things so well for his young age and now all she wished was for him to pass his degree and get his name out there and be the best forensic scientist he could possibly be.
"I'm really going to miss you, you know that?" She gushed, feeling herself welling up.
She was thankful when she spotted Jack and Nikki heading towards them; their hands linked and smiles over their faces. She watched as they interacted with Evan, offering hugs and a bag with a few gifts inside - Sam taking a moment to dry her eyes.
"Oh you didn't have to get me anything," he was blushing now, not used to all the attention being on him. He accepted the bag however and inside was a card signed from the other three and along with it, an ornament in the shape of a beetle. He was chuckling now, "Thank you so much."
Sam was standing up once again, "You lot make yourself comfortable, I'll get the drinks in," she looked around the table. "What can I get you all?"
Jack and Evan had both settled on a bottle of beer but Nikki was panicking as Sam stared at her, "I'll just have a lemonade," she watched as Sam's eyebrows pulled together. "I'm driving," she quickly recovered but she knew that wouldn't get past Sam who now had her hands on her hips.
"You could still have one," she pushed but it was all the confirmation she needed. She had suspected it the other day and with how Jack had been acting around Nikki and now her refusal at alcohol there was only one possible reason. "Are you going to tell us?"
Nikki's mouth hung open as she shot a look to Jack before flicking her eyes back to Sam. She didn't know what to say, she wasn't surprised that Sam had put two and two together; she was a clever woman and it didn't take a genius to work out. But she wasn't expecting her to come out with it.
Evan's head was bouncing around each person sat at their table, his face full of confusion. He hadn't been taking much notice of the conversation; his mind elsewhere. But the silence and Sam's stance had grabbed his attention.
The quiet settling amongst them was beginning to grow quite deafening and they were going to have to provide an answer sooner or later, Jack held his hands up. "Okay, fine. Nikki's pregnant," he breathed. "But before you all start, it's early days so let's not go over the top about it."
Sam couldn't contain her excitement however as the smile spread across her face and she was leaning over the table to pull Nikki into a hug. Michael offered his hand to shake Jack's hand, "Congratulations mate," he spoke sincerely.
"Congratulations," Evan repeated, giving Jack and Nikki a small nod, a grin on his face; he couldn't be happier for the pair and they definitely deserved it after the few years they had had - at least from what he had heard from them.
Their night continued for a few hours, the conversation never dropping between any of them. Although when Nikki had excused herself to go to the toilet, Sam had followed behind her; wanting to have a private word with the younger woman.
"Nikki can I ask you something?" She asked as she leaned against the sink.
"Aren't you already doing that?" Nikki quipped.
Sam chuckled at her sarcasm but continued anyway, "I had an application come in the other day. For a new pathologist. With Evan leaving I knew that we were going to need someone else to help around so I thought I would put some offers out there," she started. Nikki's curiosity peaking at the woman's words. "And it seems that with," she gestured at Nikki's stomach.
"It might not be that bad of an idea to have an extra pathologist," she breathed. "Anyway, he sounds quite promising and I've got him coming in for an interview next week."
Nikki nodded her head slowly, already guessing where this had been going, "And you want me to sit in the interview with you?"
"Please?" The look on Sam's face a hopeful one. "I value your opinion greatly and if anything I need to know if he's going to get along with you. The last thing I need is for there to be tension around the place," she laughed as Nikki rolled her eyes. "Also, you'll be able to tell if he'll get along with Jack. I know what Jack's like but you know him better than me and you'll have more of an idea."
Nikki laughed at that, "I'd love to," she beamed. She had really taken to Sam. When she had first arrived, Nikki had thought that they would clash and that there would be more arguing than getting any work done but it had turned out to be quite the opposite in fact. She was almost like a mother figure in her life now and she would be eternally grateful for that; even more so now.
She was about to be a mother herself and she was going to need all the support and guidance that she could get.
"What's his name?" She questioned, curious now.
"Dr. Adam Yuen."
And there it is, the last chapter! I can't believe I even got to this point. I just want to say thank you for coming along on this journey with me - it was quite a long one wasn't it? Thank you for sticking with it and sharing your lovely thoughts with me. I never ever thought I would get here, very nearly gave up on it a couple of months ago and now here I am...crazy.
Not much else to say but thank you again!