TEDDY
"I... I think I should go." I mutter, but they don't hear my words. They are in their own world, a world in which I don't exist.
Although I say that I'm leaving, my feet don't move from the ground nor do my eyes from them both. Seeing the way Owen looks at Beth, how he smiles, how he glows, how he hugs her tight and buries his face into her neck.
I want to take her by the hair, get her away from him and shout that this is not her place, kick her out of this room, but I'm still paralyzed. I can only look at them and break inside.
"You can go now." Beth tells me in her ridiculous voice.
"W-what?" I stutter incredulously.
"I said you can go. I'll take care of him. I've got this." She repeats to me with a tone of arrogance.
I look at Owen, waiting, stupidly, for him to back me up or ask me to stay, but he remains silent. I snort incredulously, I turn around and leave the room. I have nothing to do here, maybe I don't even have anything to do at Evelyn's house anymore.
I can't stop thinking about that all the way back home. Is it really worth staying at Evelyn's house? Owen seemed not to care that Beth was practically kicking me out of his room. I'm almost sure she won't separate from him for a moment, so why keep trying?
For the next few days that thought doesn't leave my head. I didn't even want to know about Owen, every time Megan tried to tell me how he was doing, I changed the conversation. Evelyn has started to prepare the guest room for him, I decide to change rooms and give Owen his, besides, I'll leave this place in a couple of days. I've decided to find my own place.
The day Owen is discharged I feel so nervous, almost nauseous. I'll see him again after he let Beth kick out of his room. I don't know how I'm going to react, I know he comes with Beth, as I predicted, she hasn't separated from him for a single moment.
I started searching and saving some properties for rent that I find on the internet. There will be too many at home, Evelyn, Megan, Nathan, Owen, Beth, me and soon the baby. There won't be enough space, and I want my own space, besides giving Owen time, without the constant reminder that, ironically, he doesn't remember me.
When Evelyn and Megan go to the hospital to pick up Owen, not after insisting again and again to go with them, I decide to go for a walk. More than anything not to be there when Owen and Beth arrive.
I go to the mall, I walk through the stores, I decide to go to the cinema, I haven't been to the cinema in years. There are many people, it will be Christmas in a couple of weeks and everyone is buying their presents. With everything that had happened I forgot that we are in my favorite season, I wonder what Christmas day will be like.
I decided to pamper myself and buy some stuff; clothes, shoes, perfumes, some creams, oils. I've decided to start taking care of myself again, I've never been very vain, but I do like to take care of myself, for the moment I cannot exercise, something I love and miss, so at least take care of my skin and my appearance will be enough for now. I also buy some things for the baby, everything is so cute in the baby stores, although I don't buy too much, if Megan realizes that I went to do baby shopping without her she'll make a huge fuss. Also because deep down, innocently, I hope to do it with Owen when he feels better.
When I realize the time was almost 7 at night, time flew away. I really needed something like that to distract my mind. I don't want to go home, I feel so good out here which I find ironic considering just days ago I didn't want to get out of there, that was my safe place and I didn't want to face the real world. Now, that house has stopped being my safe place to go back to... a place where I don't feel comfortable. But I can't stay here, obviously, so I'm heading "home".
When I arrive everyone is gathered in the living room. Evelyn paces side to side, Nathan is making a phone call and so is Megan.
"What part of 'she isn't in good health and is pregnant' don't you understand? We can't wait 48 hours!" Megan shouts to whoever is on the other side of the line.
"What's going on?" I ask closing the door behind me.
Everyone breathes in relief and I don't understand anything. "Oh, for god's sake. Where were you?!" Megan yells at me in a shaky voice.
"Oh, my girl, we were worried about you!" Evelyn exclaims and goes to hug me. "We arrived and you were not here, the hours passed and you didn't come back, we tried to call you, but the call didn't connect!"
"I-I'm fine." I answer a little sorry for all the commotion that I arose with my simple trip to the mall. "I just went for a walk."
"I told you it wasn't a big deal." I hear Beth's annoying voice.
She is sitting next to Owen, who again doesn't say a single word, but he looks at me and I don't want to make movies in my head, but he seems to look relieved.
"I'm sorry for worrying you. I…" I put the bags with my purchases on the floor and look for my cell phone in my bag, which is nowhere. "I-I forgot where I left my phone, my damn pregnant brain. I'm so sorry." I apologize.
"It's okay, my love, it's fine." Evelyn assures me. "Let's forget this bitter moment, let's go to dinner, ok?"
"I'll help you serve the dishes." I offer to help and we both go to the kitchen.
While Evelyn brings some things to the table, I serve the dishes. At that moment Owen enters the kitchen. A chill runs through my body, I try to seem unconcerned, I don't want him to notice how much his presence affects me.
"Hey, nice to see you! Finally, at home." I pretend cheerfulness and don't stop doing what I am doing a single moment.
"I was so worried about you." He says, putting those lamb eyes that I love so much and that are my weakness.
"Oh, you shouldn't have." I shrug.
"Why not? I may not remember you, but knowing that you could be in danger... I'm not heartless! It matters to me."
I laugh under my breath. "Yeah, sure!" I say ironically and leave the kitchen.
As soon as we all sit down for dinner, Beth keeps telling anecdotes about her time with Owen. Everyone looks bored, except her and Owen, who follows her with great enthusiasm. Evelyn, Megan, Nathan and I share annoyed looks. Then Owen mentions something that causes my heart to stop for a fraction of a second.
"Oh, and you remember that time we went to the drive-in cinema with that spectacular view of the city, how we stayed after the movie finished talking for hours!"
Beth stirs in her seat with a tense smile on her lips. "I-I don't remember that."
"Oh, come on! It was that time we spent hours talking, God, that night was amazing!"
"That was me." I mention and all eyes go to me. Beth seems upset and Owen seems embarrassed. "It was my birthday, you invited me to see 'The Bridges of Madison County' at the drive-in cinema, after that we stayed in your car talking for hours, drinking beer and eating pizza."
An almost sepulchral silence falls in the dining room. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, you're not supposed to remember any of that."
"I remember all that." Owen replies and I don't know why the hell my first reaction is to laugh, causing everyone to look at me weirdly.
"Of course, you just don't remember it was with me!" Then my laugh turns into a humorless giggle, until I go silent.
"Does anyone want dessert?" Evelyn asks to break the awkward silence.
"Wait!" I exclaim before she leaves the table. "I want to take advantage that we are all gathered to let you know of my decision to leave this house. I've decided to go to my own place, the baby will be born soon and needs to be in a stable place."
"WHAT?!" Everyone exclaims in unison.
"Teddy, why?!" Megan asks me.
Then Evelyn. "Don't you feel comfortable here?!" Ha! If only she knew.
"You can't leave!" Owen exclaims looking lost.
"Why not?!" I fire back.
"Because you can't take my baby away from me!"
"I'm not taking our baby away from you! I'm taking it to a stable place. You can see him or her whenever you want!"
"If she wants to leave, let her go. It's not like she does much anyway, she left Owen in the hospital." Beth opens her mouth to spill her poison. Whoever saw her so cute and coy wouldn't believe how poisonous she can be.
"YOU SHUT UP!" Megan yells at her. "The one who has absolutely nothing to do here is you! Don't you realize that nobody here can stand you? Have some self-respect and leave here, because my brother may not remember it, but we all know that he broke up with you because he doesn't love you. Teddy is my sister, and she is the mother of Owen's child, the one who has nothing to do here is you!"
"MEGAN!" Owen shouts at Megan's rant.
"Please stop, stop everyone!" I beg, this is getting out of control. "This is the last thing I wanted to happen, I expected you to support my decision."
"At least stay until after the holidays." Evelyn asks me. "You love Christmas. I would hate you to spend Christmas alone."
I take her hand and give her a small smile. "I won't be alone, your grandchild makes me very good company." I pat my bump and laugh slightly. "Besides, I can come here for Christmas, if you invite me."
"You don't need an invitation, you fool." Megan tells me in a shaky voice and teary eyes.
"Please." Evelyn begs me. "I'm not ready to let you go yet." Her voice also shakes and my heart breaks. She, Megan and I have created a very special and deep bond in the last few months, the idea of leaving them hurts me too. I knew that at some point in my life I would have to leave, whether Owen returned or not, but I never thought about leaving under these circumstances.
"Just the holidays." Owen asks me too.
I turn to Evelyn, I don't want Owen to think I'm making this decision for him. "I'm staying, for you, I'm staying the holidays."
"Oh, thanks!" She hugs me tightly.
Days go by like a whirlwind. After Megan's rant, Beth tries to spend less time at home, but still she spends more time than I'd like with Owen, she is the one who has taken him to his therapies, I've stayed out of everything. I don't want to push Owen.
I decide better to focus on my pregnancy, taking care of myself, resting and preparing as much as possible for the arrival of my little one. I'm getting so big, every day I find it harder to breathe, sleep, bend over and even walk, but still every night Evelyn and I take a walk around the block to exercise a little. We just walk linking arms, talking about everything and nothing, making some plans for when the baby is born and especially admiring the Christmas lights and decorations of the neighborhood houses.
When we realize it's Christmas Eve and with everything we've in mind we've even forgotten to decorate the house. Each day that passed we postponed it to the next and so on until the day came. Even so, right at Christmas Eve, Megan and Nathan left very early in the morning to buy everything to decorate the house all together that night.
We are all so eager and happy, after placing some lights outside and some inflatables in the front yard the boys decide that it's the girls' turn to put the tree. While we set it up Owen plays the guitar and Nathan sings, or so he tries, he is so out of tune. But still we all are enjoying ourselves, we are having the time of our lives. Everything is perfect, for one night everything is perfect.
And it's even more perfect because Beth is not here. Unintentionally I eavesdropped when Owen asked her not to come tonight, it would be a family night. She insisted until Owen told her he wanted me to spend a quiet night. Listening to that made me feel so many things at once.
When we finished placing all the lights and ornaments, only the star at the top of the tree was missing. I take the star and climb on a stool to place it.
"Wait, wait, wait! Get down there!" Owen gets up as soon as he can from his seat, leaving the guitar aside and preventing me from getting on a step.
"I'm just going to place the star!" I argue.
"Give it to Megan, let her put it on."
"But I love to put the star!" I complain. "I'm not going to fall. Hold me then if that makes you feel at ease."
Owen rolls his eyes, but he holds me by the hips while I stretch as much as I can to put the star on the huge tree that Megan and Nathan brought, being careful not to knock it down with my protruding baby belly. When I finally place it I look at the tree with the excitement of a little girl, it is so beautiful, with all the golden and red ornaments and the white lights.
I turn for Owen to help me down, but he stays there, looking me up, I feel his hands on my hips like fire, this is the closest we've been in weeks. He is right at the level of my belly, I see my bump rippling under my sweater with a baby movement and Owen catches it too and smiles broadly. Then he strokes it, so, so softly that it gives me chills even when we are very close to the fireplace.
"I can't wait to spend our first Christmas with him or her." Owen says and then he gives me a soft kiss on the tip of my belly. I feel that my legs become weak.
"I... Can you help me down?" He takes me by the hand and helps me down the three steps of the step stool ladder.
"Hey guys, it's snowing!" Nathan informs us excitedly.
"Do you want to go see the snow?" Owen asks me. I smile and nod.
He helps me put on my coat and we both go out to the front yard to look at the snow. Again I feel like a little girl, I love when it snows. I reach out to catch snowflakes, raise my face to the sky to feel how they fall on my face.
"How did you know I love snow?"
"I didn't."
"Oh, of course, I mean… how… you know what? Forget it. Well, you already did… sorry, I mean… I'll just shut up." I stutter and my face burns with shame that I can almost feel the snowflakes melting on my cheeks.
We are silent for a few seconds, just staring at the snow. "I remember once you took a snow machine to the desert. The soldiers were pretty sad for spending holidays away from home and you brought a snow machine and made it snow in the desert." I immediately regret what I said, we are not supposed to say anything to Owen.
"Sorry I—"
"No, I remember that!"
"Really?!"
"Well, not exactly that, but I remember snow in the desert. Until now I didn't know if it was a memory or a dream, snow in the desert sounds crazy. But now that you mention it, I realize that it is not a dream, it was real!"
OWEN
I don't know what's happening to me lately that I suddenly have thoughts, but I don't know if they are memories or just random ideas, or dreams. When I saw the snow, this "memory" of snow in the desert came to my mind out of nowhere, and now that Teddy mentioned that time, with the snow machine, I realize that it wasn't a dream, that it did happen, and I may not remember exactly how, but at least a part, and that is already progress in my mind that until a few weeks ago was almost blank with many memories.
The same happened with Teddy and Christmas. Something told me that this was a very special date for her, that she was a sucker for Christmas and I wasn't wrong. The way her eyes shone while decorating the tree with my mother and Megan, or when she finally saw the decoration of the front yard made it clear to me that she loved this day before Megan confirmed to me that, in fact, it's her favorite.
It was for the same reason that I asked Beth not to come this day, even though she insisted that she wanted to spend Christmas with me. Things between Teddy and I have been quite tense since that night when she announced that she would look for her own place to move. We are cordial with each other, we make small talks here and there, I ask about the baby and how she feels, but nothing more than that. A moment ago, when she was placing the star, it was the closest we have been since that day that she went to see me for the last time at the hospital. Since that time I had no physical contact with her and that was killing me, I was dying to take her hand, to caress her belly and feel our baby move. I was dying to take her face in my hands and kiss her flawless pink lips.
In these last weeks great feelings for Teddy have flourished in me, or, rather, those feelings were already there, asleep for a while, and now they are waking up with more force than ever. I fall asleep and wake up thinking about her. I like her eyes, her voice, her lips, her way of thinking, the way she is with my mother and my sister, the way she talks to our baby when she thinks nobody listens to her, the way she frowns when she's trying to concentrate while solving the newspaper's crosswords, I like how she takes her cup of coffee or hot chocolate with both hands and takes a long sniff before taking the first gulp, I like her peculiar smell. I like all of her. I like that she is the mother of my child.
She has her eyes lost in the sky, following the snowflakes with her huge green eyes and that curious look. I had never seen her smile this wide, probably I had, but my stupid brain doesn't remember it. How could I be able to forget such a perfect being?
While with one hand she catches snowflakes, with the other she rubs her round belly up and down. She looks so beautiful, I can see the glow Megan refers to so much and that makes Teddy feel so embarrassed.
Suddenly Teddy groans and presses the side of her belly. "Ouch! Hey, that was a hard one!" She speaks to her belly.
"A kick?!" I ask laughing slightly.
"More like a stab!" She replies, still frowning and rubbing her side.
"Tell me about it."
"About the constant stabs?"
I laugh. "No, well, yes. Tell me about the baby, how did you give me the news? What was my reaction?"
I can tell how she feels uncomfortable at my questions. "Owen, you know that—"
"Yes, yes, yes. You can't tell me anything. But, I'm really asking you, rather, I'm begging you. Besides, you already told me some things about us. I can't let our baby be born without at least knowing how it was that you told me he or she was on the way."
Teddy lingers her look on me, her eyes becoming progressively more and more watery. She sighs deeply, looks at her belly and smiles as she rubs it. Then she turns her gaze to me. "I found out the day you disappeared. That night we had spent the whole night together and in the morning when I woke up you were no longer in bed. I started to feel very sick and well... long story short I took a test and it turned out positive. That same day we had a lot of work, dangerous people arrived, I was supposed to take one of them to the green zone, but I felt so sick that…"
Her voice breaks and it's hard for her to continue. I place my hand on her shoulder encouraging her to keep telling me how things happened. "You changed places with me… It was me who should've been in that helicopter, not you. I was going to tell you when you came back, but you never came back. And I could never tell you that I was pregnant. And from there everything went downhill."
I can't believe it, I run out of words. I can't believe I never knew about the baby until now, until now just when I don't remember Teddy. I liked to imagine that the news was surrounded by many laughs and tears of happiness, that we were both over the moon and that we made thousands of plans for our baby, but instead, it was my mother who confirmed me about my fatherhood, and there were no tears nor screams of happiness.
It breaks my heart. Teddy deserves more than this. Our baby deserves more than this.
"Teddy… I swear that no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always be there for our child. Always. Because I already love him or her and I can't imagine my life without it and it isn't yet born." I would like to tell her that I can't imagine my life without her either.
"And I appreciate that, I really do. These months without you were hell, Megan and your mother were of infinite help and my whole life will not be enough to thank them, but... I dreamed all the time to share this experience with you. See your face during ultrasounds, or when the baby kicked or go baby shopping. So when you came back and well… you know… I was terrified that you would reject the baby."
"I would never do that."
"I know."
"I propose to you something. I know it may sound difficult, but... for now let's focus on the baby, one hundred percent. Let's focus on him or her being fine, you too of course. Let's focus on giving our best, filling him or her with love... the rest, we'll figure it out."
"Yeah, I like that idea." We both smile. "By the way, I have an ultrasound the day after tomorrow. I would love you to come with me."
"Yes, of course, I would love it too!" The idea of the ultrasound makes me extremely excited. It will be my first ultrasound, in 7 months, it will be the first time I see my baby.
The snow starts to get heavier and we are forced to go back inside. When I want to open the front door I find that it's locked from inside. I knock and Megan looks out the window.
"Open us!" I order Megan. She just laughs and points her finger up. "Megan, open the door!"
"Not until you do what the tradition indicates." She tells us from the inside, continuing to point up.
"What are you talking about?!" Teddy asks, confused and looking up for the signal. "What tradition? Megan, open damn the door, I'm freezing!"
"The mistletoe, you pair of idiots!" She mocks us. "You have to kiss under the mistletoe."
"Megan, those are bullshits. Open us!" Teddy knocks on the door with the palm of her hand.
"It's just a kiss. Come on! You will have a baby, a kiss is nothing!"
"Megan." I say her name in a warning tone.
I look at Teddy, she seems uncomfortable, and although I'm dying to kiss her, I also feel a little uncomfortable, more like shy.
"Don't listen to Megan." Teddy tells me. "I don't want you to feel obligated."
"I don't feel obligated." I assure her.
We looked at each other for a few seconds until I can't contain it anymore. I take her face in my hands and kiss her. So much for figuring it out later. I can hear Megan squeal inside. Then Teddy jumps back and looks at me carefully, her breathing fast.
This time it is she who pounces on me and kisses me deeply, I attract her as much as I can to me, as much as her belly allows. She circles her arms around my neck and I run my hands all over her back. Until the lack of air makes us jump apart, joining our foreheads, cupping each other's faces.
Then something comes to my mind like a lightning illuminating everything. "It was for you!" I blurt out and she looks at me confused.
"What?!"
"The snow. It was for you." I remember it, I know I remember it. I brought the machine pretending it was a surprise for the soldiers, but in reality it was for Teddy, to make her first Christmas in Iraq something very special. I remember it, I really remember it. And I also remember her at that moment. Her eyes wide open looking at the snow and her huge smile that illuminated her entire face as she watched the soldiers enjoy the moment.
"Owen, you can't joke with this. You are making this u—"
I can't help laughing, laughing loudly. I remember. The confusion grows on Teddy's face. "No, I'm not making this up, I swear on our baby. It wasn't for the soldiers, it was for you. I pretended it was for the soldiers because I felt ashamed to say it was for you, but I brought the snow for you, because I knew how much you loved Christmas. I never told you, but… I remember, I remember Teddy!"
"What?! Really?!" She squeals and hugs me by the neck and I hug her tightly back. "What else do you remember?"