Thank you for reviews! This chapter is a bit longer than others but there was no good place to break it.

Chapter 9

White

24th December 1997

A blanket of white still covered the ground. This amount of snow was unusual for their part of the country, but no doubt the dementors' icy chill was contributing to the ever-freezing temperatures. Inside the little cottage, however, everything looked warm and cosy. A fire burned merrily in the grate, and a tiny Christmas tree stood in the corner. They had agreed on no Christmas gifts to each other, but they had still given presents to some of their friends, and a few reciprocal parcels sat under the tree; two soft lumpy packages from Molly (which they were pretty sure contained knitted jumpers), a large box-shaped one from Fred and George (they had been assured that it was safe), several bottles (one from Kingsley and a couple from Bill and Fleur), some smaller, book-shaped presents from Andromeda and a little gift bag from Ginny.

Tonks smiled over at them, trying her best not to think about the Christmases spent at home in her youth, of the days when her only worries had been what to get her parents for Christmas and what ridiculous outfit her mother was going to force her into for their Christmas meal, when she just wanted to wear her bright red leggings and her baggiest sweatshirt.

"You ok?"

Remus was looking at her in slight concern, and she knew the sadness must have shown on her face. She nodded hastily. "Yeah! I-"

For a second, she was on the verge of telling him all about those wonderful carefree Christmases. About how Ted had dressed up as Santa every year, even though Andromeda didn't really approve. How he had always sat underneath the tree with her, rattling the presents with equal enthusiasm, helping her guess what was inside them, at least until her mother came in and shooed them both away. But she couldn't quite bear to relive them. It was still too painful to talk about her dad when she had no clue where or how he was.

"I was just admiring the tree," she finished lamely. "I know it will be a different Christmas this year, but at least we have a tree!"

Remus nodded his agreement.

"Not quite as impressive as the Hogwarts ones though!" Tonks added. "I never stayed at school for Christmas, but sometimes I thought it would have been fun."

"I did a couple of times," Remus replied. "Sirius never wanted to go home, of course, and Wormtail never seemed keen either. I always thought it was because he just wanted to copy Sirius, but I did meet his mother once, after we'd left school. She was perfectly nice but didn't seem to bother with him at all. I don't think he was very happy at home."

A pang of sympathy crossed his face, but only briefly, before hardening into the usual expression of disgust at his former friend. He continued hastily.

"In our fifth and sixth year, though, the Potters had us all round to their house for Christmas. And they were great, definitely some of my best Christmas memories."

"Not your seventh?"

Remus grimaced.

"In my seventh year, Christmas Day fell on the full moon. So I had to stay at Hogwarts. And we couldn't even do our usual adventure. James was back home – his parents weren't very well at that point – and Sirius and Wormtail wouldn't have been able to keep the wolf in check on their own. That was a bit of a low point where Christmases are concerned, although definitely not the lowest."

They sat in silence for a minute or two.

"Sorry," Remus said. "I didn't mean to bring you down. Christmas…just hasn't often been the happiest time for me."

She stretched out on the sofa and laid her head in his lap and he gently massaged her forehead.

"Christmas Eve in Grimmauld place was pretty good though!" she said.

Remus's face brightened at the memory and a reluctant grin spread over his face.

The kids were in bed, or at least in their rooms. Molly had retired too, her relief that Arthur was recovering not quite able to remedy the worry and exhaustion brought on by the last few days. Everyone else had gone home and it was just the three of them, Remus, Sirius and Tonks, as it had been so many times before. Their first bottle of firewhisky had been drained, and they were starting a second as they moved on to yet another drinking game. Even Remus, who had at first protested that this was too childish a game for grown adults, not to mention members of the Order of the Phoenix, was now joining in with enthusiasm, considerably loosened by the copious amounts of alcohol.

"Never have I ever…" Tonks thought for a long moment. "Had the same hairstyle for more than two weeks in a row."

"Oh, not fair!" Sirius sighed, as both he and Remus took a sip of their drinks.

"Like your last one was fair?"

"Sirius has a bit of an advantage over us, I'm afraid," Remus told her ruefully. "Your turn Padfoot."

"Never have I ever…" he grinned slyly at Remus. "Vomited in broad daylight on the streets of Hogsmeade."

Tonks turned to Remus, eyebrows raised, as he reluctantly took a gulp from his glass. "I was drunk!" he protested. "It was my seventeenth birthday. And it was all James and Sirius's fault anyway."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" Sirius laughed. "Your turn Moony. Do your worst!"

Remus screwed up his forehead in thought.

"Never have I ever kissed a girl in the Herbology greenhouses."

"Oh come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius snorted, about to drink. Then he broke off, staring at his cousin. Tonks had also raised her glass to her lips. "Really?" he said curiously. "I mean, fair enough, obviously, I just didn't think…"

Remus was also looking at her with interest.

"No," Tonks rolled her eyes . "Not like that. Girls hated me at school anyway. Couldn't have got a girlfriend even if I'd wanted one."

"So you just had a little make out session with Sprout did you?"

"Ew, no!" Remus chuckled as Tonks continued. "It was a dare," she said. "We used to play this game called Danger Sprout."

"Danger Sprout?!" Sirius choked on his drink, and the next few minutes involved him trying to take deep, steadying breaths between his hacking coughs and hysterical laughter.

"Yeah." Tonks began to explain again once Sirius had calmed down. "Whenever we were in Herbology lessons and Sprout went to one of the other greenhouses to get something - you know how she always does - we'd have to fit in a dare. And one time it was my turn and Archie Robertson – he was a total dickhead – was like, "Oh Tonks I dare you to make your face into a boy's and kiss one of the girls."

"And did you?"

"I was the all-time champion of Danger Sprout, Remus, you don't think I'd lose that title for something as easy as a quick snog, did you? But I got my revenge, because I made my face just like Archie's and I grabbed Ishbel Andrews – who he had this massive crush on – and gave her a proper slobbery kiss, all tongue no technique. And she was so grossed out. And Archie Robertson never did get to out with Ishbel, and he just had to come to terms with the fact that the only time she ever kissed him, it was just my face in disguise."

"You are pure evil," Sirius sighed, looking at his cousin in admiration, while Remus grinned down at his drink.

"Well, serves him right. I hate people making me morph when I don't want to," Tonks said. "I'm not some kind of freak show. If I want to change my appearance it should be on my terms, not other people's."

"Quite right!" Sirius said. "Ok, your turn again."

"Never have I ever…" she grinned. "Been in the Gryffindor common room."

"Come on!" Sirius moaned as the two of them drank yet again. "You've got to make more interesting ones than that!"

"I thought the whole point of this game was to get other people drunk?"

"I think she's right!" Remus reasoned. But Sirius was shaking his head.

"Ok, fine! If that's how you want to play it! Never have I ever believed that babies grow from baby seeds."

"Oh, fuck off!"

"Baby seeds?" Remus's mouth twitched as he looked at her enquiringly. She swallowed her mouthful of drink and nodded.

"I'm sorry, but if you're six years old and you ask your big cousin - who you look up to and admire more than anyone else, by the way - where babies come from, and he tells you that they grow from the ground, then you're going to believe him, aren't you?"

"I suppose. And to be fair Padfoot, it's not such a stupid thing for a six-year-old to believe. I'm not sure we knew where babies come from at that age…"

"Thank you, Remus!"

"Oh yeah?" Sirius's dark eyes sparkled, and despite the knowledge that he was just going to humiliate her further, Tonks couldn't help but feel a warm glow in her chest. She had not seen Sirius this animated for a very long time. "What about when I told her that if the seed got exactly the same amount of rain and sun, then it would make a rainbow baby? And that's why she could change her hair colour."

At this, Remus really did burst out laughing again. Tonks glared at him in mock outrage, but he just smiled and winked at her. As he did so, she felt the jolt in her stomach, so familiar these days whenever he looked at her, yet so much stronger tonight than it had ever been before. She tried to drag her gaze away from him, but it was fixated on his warm eyes, his worn yet handsome face, his unusually carefree smile that lit him up so brightly.

"Don't worry Tonks, we'll get him. Never have I ever used my cauldron as a chamber pot!" Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, and Tonks couldn't even explain the little leap of delight that she felt, knowing that they were allies now in this game, however stupid and childish it may be.

"Yes, well, you would be drinking right now if you'd been there with us!" Sirius retorted, taking another drink. "We got put in detention by Slughorn," he added to Tonks, who was looking both curious and revolted. "Me and James. And we thought a few butterbeers beforehand would make it more bearable. Hadn't banked on Slughorn locking us in the dungeon and forgetting us for five hours. Anyway," he shuddered and then looked challengingly at Tonks. "Your turn again. And make it a good one this time!"

"Ok... Ok… Never have I ever… spent a night in the Room of Requirement."

"Rubbish!" Sirius said at once, before either of them could react.

Tonks raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"You must have done!"

"I can assure you I haven't! And what are you insinuating anyway?"

"You're telling me that my pretty little cousin Nymphadora never had a secret night of passion with a guy, or indeed a girl, at any point during her time at Hogwarts?"

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't… but that wasn't my statement, was it?" Tonks shot back, and Sirius laughed, and took a big gulp of his own drink. "Alright, fair enough. Moony!" he added indignantly, suddenly glaring over at his friend. "Why aren't you drinking?"

"What's that?" Remus mumbled. His cheeks had gone slightly pink.

"Mary MacDonald! Seventh year. Go on, drink up!"

"Oh, that doesn't count!"

Sirius looked outraged.

"Of course it counts! You dated her for six months."

"Fine, fine!" Still scarlet, Remus took a sip.

Tonks shot a curious look at Remus, but he avoided looking at her, his cheeks not yet losing their colour. Sirius, as if sensing his embarrassment and wanting to avoid awkwardness ruining their fun, turned back to Tonks and looked at her, a triumphant gleam in his eyes.

"Never have I ever fallen down two flights of stairs ten minutes after receiving my official Auror diploma."

Tonks's mouth fell open.

"How the hell did you know that?"

"Kingsley told me!"

"I will kill him," Tonks muttered, as she finished the last dregs in her glass and reached for the bottle to fill it up again.

"Oh, it's ok Tonks!" Remus said suddenly, his embarrassment fading, the sparkle renewed in his eyes. "It's ok… because I have the king of all never have I evers. Never have I ever had a crush on Minerva McGonagall!

"WHAT?" Tonks fell about laughing as she gaped over at Sirius.

"Context Moony!" Sirius growled. "You have to give context."

"Oh, I don't think so!" Remus replied mildly. "Drink first, context after, wasn't that the rule?"

Reluctantly, Sirius took a drink. "It was a photo," he told Tonks. "A very, very old photo. And I didn't know who it was of, but I found it inside an old library book. And I showed it to these guys… and I suppose I might have gone on about it just a little, saying that whoever it was looked like my ideal girl. And then we realised several months later, from an old class photo or something, that it was McGonagall when she was at Hogwarts. God knows how it got in that book but some of us," he glared at Remus, "just can't seem to let it go."

"To be fair to Sirius, Minerva McGonagall was a very good-looking young lady," Remus muttered to Tonks in an undertone loud enough for Sirius to hear. He just sighed.

"Sirius Black and Minerva McGonagall," Tonks laughed again. "God, imagine the kids you would have had! Ok, my turn again. Never have I ever…."

The so the game continued, getting sillier but funnier as they got steadily more drunk. Remus became increasingly aware of Tonks's presence on the sofa beside him and kept having to remind himself that they were friends. Just friends and nothing more. Yet it was a hard thing to remember when she was right there next to him, so close he could feel the warmth of her body, her laughter ringing in his ears, her eyes bright as they met his own with increasing frequency.

And Tonks felt her heart race every time his hand brushed accidentally against her leg or her arm, or every time they shared a secret laugh or smile, and once or twice she couldn't help but think that if Sirius hadn't been in the armchair opposite she would have just thrown caution to the winds and launched herself on Remus there and then.

Nothing had happened that night, of course. But when they'd finally abandoned their games and said goodnight, Tonks hadn't been able to help giving Remus a hug that was just a little bit longer and closer than the one she gave her cousin, and a kiss on the cheek, ignoring Sirius's smug look as she did so. And when she left Christmas presents for all her friends on the kitchen table, she added the card that she had picked out specially for Remus with a smile on her face. Her message in there was completely innocuous, nothing remotely suggestive. She had known, even then, that Remus would probably scare easily. But she hoped that what she had written was enough to convey to him the special place he was beginning to hold in her heart.

The memory faded, and they laughed together, but Tonks was suddenly feeling sombre again, remembering the many long months that had followed, the shift in the dynamic of their relationship that had taken them past the point of no return, neither smoothly nor gently. A couple of times, she tried to speak, but the subject felt forced and wrong, and in the end she just fell silent.

"You want to know why I became a moody git immediately after that Christmas?" Remus supplied for her. He had been watching her intently. She looked mortified.

"No! No! I'm sorry," she said, sitting up and looking directly at him. "I know it's in the past now, and I don't want to drag up old stuff. I just… I never really understood what happened. Everything was so great that night, and then… I always thought I must have done something to upset you."

Remus pulled her into a hug, looking pretty upset himself.

"You didn't do anything." His voice was slightly muffled against her bright hair. "It was nothing to do with you!"

"Then… what?" Tonks pulled away slightly and looked up at him, her face questioning.

He didn't want to remember. That Christmas had been so painful. But he owed her the truth. He sighed and started to explain.

"I got your Christmas card and gift that morning," he said. "And it made me so happy. Even took away the hangover from that bloody game. And although you'd left cards and presents for everyone, I couldn't help noticing that in mine you'd written a bit more and gone into more detail. I - I did wonder if there was something in that. Sirius had been going on about you for weeks anyway, saying that you liked me and that I was being stupid and that there was absolutely no reason why we shouldn't be together. And I guess part of it was just the alcohol talking, but after the night before… that was the first time that I started to think that maybe - just maybe - he was right. Maybe something could happen between us. And I wanted it so badly Dora. Honestly I did."

Tonks was listening closely. She suspected he had never told anyone this. Even Sirius had not been able to explain his friend's abrupt change of mood, just hours after they had spent such a joyful and happy evening together.

"And then we went to St Mungo's," Remus went on, with difficulty. "To visit Arthur. And you remember there was a werewolf in his ward at the time?"

Tonks nodded.

"Well, he was completely harmless of course, it was ages to the full moon. But I saw that Molly kept glancing over at him, looking terrified."

"Molly did?" Tonks sounded astonished. "But she's never been like that with you!"

"I know! I know!" Remus said at once. "And I know that she genuinely likes me and isn't prejudiced against me personally. But I guess that's because she knows me, and has worked with me herself, and – I dare say – because her children all liked me long before she even met me. I suspect that Ginny, for one, would have thrown an absolute fit if Molly had dared be anything other than friendly."

Tonks laughed, thinking with fond sadness of her young friend, with her fiery temper and solid principles. Ginny adored Remus, her favourite teacher of all time, whose kindly and empathetic approach had helped set her on the road to recovery after her traumatic first year at Hogwarts. No doubt Molly knew that as well.

"But her reaction to this other poor man was totally different," Remus went on. "And reality started to sink back in, and I remembered that just because the Order and a few kids saw me as a normal human being, it didn't mean that the rest of the world did."

Tonks, for once, had no reply. She could tell Remus he was normal until she was blue in the face, but however much she meant it, the fact remained that most people did not view him in this way.

"Anyway," Remus went on. "I was still feeling ok, in spite of that, and when Arthur and Molly started having an argument about something or other, all the kids went up to the café, but I went over to talk to the werewolf. I guess I thought I might be able to share some of my newfound optimism with him or something.

His face clouded at the memory.

"Merry Christmas!" Remus smiled down at the pale, sickly looking man in the bed.

He merely stared back.

"Arthur told me about your bite," Remus persevered.

"What's it to you?" he asked shortly, glowering up at the ceiling.

Remus hesitated, but then reasoned that no harm could really come of telling the man the truth. He had a feeling that his job over the next few months would likely involve trying to convince some of the other werewolves to join their side. He might as well start now. And so he told the other man about the childhood attack, how he had been a werewolf for nearly his whole life, but how the wolfsbane potion had completely eased the pain of the transformations, and how he was still able to lead a normal life.

Even so, the word normal seemed to stick in his throat, and the man who lay before him didn't look any happier, merely scornful.

"Right," he said, and Remus could hear the slightly sarcastic tone behind the outward politeness. "So you lead a perfectly normal life do you? Got a nice home… decent job… steady income?"

"I-" Remus faltered. His happy bubble from that morning was deflating even further.

The man in the bed just looked knowingly back at him.

"Suppose you've got a woman too?" he went on. "A nice, steady girlfriend who conveniently overlooks the fact that you turn into a bloodthirsty monster every month?"

The words were like a knife to the gut. The bubble burst completely. The man's scorn faded instantly at the look on Remus's face, and he went back to staring at the ceiling, looked highly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to be rude. And it's none of my business, of course. It's just been a bit of a shock, you see."

Remus did see. He had suffered enough over the past thirty years to understand completely why the man was so upset and didn't even have the heart to resent him for his words. But as he murmured a few more condolences and walked back over towards Arthur's bed, any shreds of happiness and hope and Christmas cheer were gone.

Remus finished his account of the conversation and stared down at his wife, whose eyes were suddenly sparkling with tears.

"So that's what happened," he said. "Of all the Christmases I've had, that one was probably the worst of all. And I just couldn't seem to get back into the positive frame of mind I'd had that morning, and whenever I thought of you after that, all I could hear was the werewolf saying bloodthirsty monster. And it's not an excuse, I know it's not, but that's why everything started to change after that Christmas. I just…couldn't unhear those words."

"I never knew," Tonks whispered. "Oh Remus I'm so sorry, and then," she suddenly remembered something else and clapped a hand to her forehead. "I had to go and put my big foot in it and have a go at you and say that you didn't realise I'd fallen for you because you were just feeling sorry for yourself." She looked even more horrified.

"I was feeling sorry for myself!" Remus assured her at once. "I was, Dora, you were right to say it. Moping didn't do anyone any good. Sirius said as much as well. And I was so happy to find out how you felt. I know I became even more unbearable after that, but- but it did mean a lot to me. And it was still what I wanted and Sirius just wouldn't let the subject go. So maybe…"

He trailed off, not finishing his sentence. Maybe, he was thinking, if Sirius hadn't been killed, if they hadn't had to vacate Grimmauld Place, if everything hadn't taken such a horrible turn for the worse, maybe everything would have been different. Maybe he wouldn't have spent the next year pushing her away, maybe he could have spared her months of distress and misery.

Tonks didn't say anything. But she had sometimes wondered the same thing. Everything had changed after Sirius's death, as if the playful, energetic, chemical spark that had been building between her and Remus ever since their first meeting had died with him, leaving only pain and longing and the push and pull of a desperate battle of wills. And a memory was coming back to her as well, this time, from the Christmas just one year before.

There was a knock at the door. Tonks nearly didn't bother opening it. What was the point? The only person in the world she might have welcomed was Ginny. And there was no chance that Molly would let her underage daughter come wandering down Tonks's dark street at nine o'clock at night. Another soft knock. She went to answer it. It could hardly make her feel worse. Christmas Day this year had been a disaster. She was heartily wishing she hadn't visited her parents the day before and had just stayed under her duvet eating chocolate as originally planned. Her mother's intense, drilling questions had done absolutely nothing to improve her mood, and she knew that she had only worried her father with her mousy appearance and unprecedented lack of Christmas cheer.

Her heart gave a wild leap as she opened the door and saw the familiar face. But why was he here? Hadn't he made his feelings very clear just a few days ago?

She had been so sure. So sure for months that they were heading down this path. Yes, there had been ups and downs, moments of doubt, times when he had seemed so cold and distant that she was sure she must have been mistaken about his feelings. But beyond that was the overwhelming certitude that she and Remus were supposed to be together. And that eventually, they would be together. After their talks and jokes and laughs; their evenings spent together in Grimmauld Place; her conversations with Sirius about his old friend. After their missions together that had so often led to long, personal conversations; their shared secrets; his warm compassion after Sirius's death. More than one moment where they had surely been milliseconds away from taking that irrevocable step between friendship and more. Every time, some interruption, whether from Sirius or Molly or just the natural imminent nature of Order work, had come between them.

Until the other day.

It had been such a miserable three months. Sirius's death was still so raw, and with Remus now absent too, and likely in permanent danger, Tonks had felt completely adrift without the two people she had come to regard as her best friends. And so when she had seen Remus for the first time after months without the smallest scrap of news, her heart had swelled with relief that he was safe, and she had felt overwhelmed with happiness that she could spend time with him again. And with that had come hope that finally their relationship may move forward. She had thrown herself on him, all other thoughts leaving her mind as her arms flew round his neck and her mouth crashed against his. And for a moment, it had been exactly as she had always imagined, as his lips responded to her, tender but strong, and a warmth that she hadn't known she was lacking spread through her.

And then it was over. He was pushing her from him and backing away. He had stumbled and stuttered and could barely even look at her as he got out the words. Then he had given her some lame, ridiculous excuse about being too old, and too dangerous and not having enough money. And she had felt humiliation flood through her before making an exit as quickly as possible.

She had spent the last few days trying to come to terms with the humiliating rejection. Not very successfully, it had to be said. But Remus clearly didn't want her, and so she would just have to accept it and move on. Yet now here he was, on her doorstep the day after Christmas, having come without invitation or request. He did not explain the reason for his visit. He just came in and sat on the sofa, and she brought him a drink and a plate of the cake that she had made the day before, after returning home from her parents'. She had eaten so much uncooked batter that she now couldn't stomach the finished product.

Remus did not take any cake. Instead he picked up one of the sequined cushions from the sofa and fiddled with the little beads, and it was Tonks who broke the icy silence at last.

"Remus why are you here? You made your feelings quite plain the other day and I know there's nothing more to say."

He looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Molly said - " Her head jerked up and she glared at him as the words died in his throat. She loved Molly Weasley dearly, but could she not just leave this particular subject alone and spare her even more humiliation?

"Said what? That I was upset and needed comfort? Because I don't, and certainly not from you!" she snapped back. "And if she told you I was alone at Christmas then she's wrong too. I went to my parents' house."

"Yes I know that too, Ginny told me."

Tonks felt a fierce rush of scarlet flood her cheeks. Why, she didn't really know. She was not in the least ashamed of her friendship with Ginny, and she also knew that Ginny was not one to repeat anything private or secret, but she felt humiliated nonetheless. Why did Remus always completely disrupt her usual emotions like this?

"Did she?" she shot back. "So you were having a nice little chat about me, were you? You probably think I'm a complete idiot, pouring out my heart to a fifteen-year-old girl."

"Of course I don't!" he protested, looking taken aback. "And Ginny was just telling me about your Christmas, that's all… She didn't… say anything else…"

Tonks merely scowled.

"Nymphadora-" Nymphadora? Had he really just called her by her hated first name? Did he really think that little of her?

"So we're back to Nymphadora now, are we? You want so much distance from me that you can't even use my preferred name?" She felt the rush of moisture to her eyes. Damn tears. Were they ever going to go away? Remus, looking stricken, got up and came to sit next to her. But she turned away, shrugging off the hand that he reached over to put on her shoulder.

"I thought-" Her voice was thick. "I just assumed… that after all our working together, all that time I spent hanging out with you and Sirius...and with the way you talked to me, and looked at me... after what nearly happened between us over the summer before you went away, I was just so sure that you felt the same way. And now I feel so stupid!"

"Look," he said. "I wish that things could be different. Really, I do, but-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're too old, you're too dangerous. I heard you the first time." Tonks turned and tried to glare at him, but it was hard to pull off her looks-could-kill death stare when her eyes were clouded with tears.

"You know, Remus, I always thought before that you respected me. You probably think you're being tactful, but you could at least tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!"

The sincerity in his voice pulled her up short, and a previously non-existent doubt crept up in her mind. Did he really believe those things he had said just a few days before? She had assumed that it was just a lame excuse. It's not you it's me. And yet…

His face was pained. His eyes concerned. His body language said so plainly that he wanted to take her in his arms. And she suddenly knew, with absolute certainty - although she suspected that it had been true for many, many months now - that she loved this man. Loved him so much that it was unbearable. And it was that certain knowledge that propelled her towards him for the second time that week. The kiss this time was deeper and rougher. Her hands came up to the back of his neck and his arms snaked round her waist, and then he was kissing her back. There could be no doubt about that. He was holding her and kissing her, his breath shortening as he pulled her even closer, and all she wanted was for this to continue and the feeling to swallow her whole.

Then, as the heat built between them and her hands slipped under his shirt, her short nails scrabbling against his warm skin, her teeth closed, very gently on his bottom lip. His reaction was immediate and violent, and he pushed her away, recoiling, replacing the distance between them on the little sofa. She stared at him in blank shock for a few seconds. Surely, surely she had not been imagining things the last couple of minutes. Surely he wanted her as much as she wanted him.

"Tonks, please, I'm sorry," Remus's voice sounded a little broken now. "I'm so sorry, but I can't. I wish I could, really I do… That- that was….I've never…" He trailed off, and she could see it even more plainly now, the hunger and emotion in his eyes. And she suddenly knew that he loved her too. He didn't know that yet, perhaps. She couldn't even explain how she knew. But she did.

Remus took a deep breath and started again, more steadily. "Tonks, I wish things could be different. And if it weren't for my condition then maybe they could be. But one bite is all it would take. One slip, one mistake at the full moon, and you would be tainted, like I am, forever. Your life would be ruined, your career in pieces. And I would not be able to live with myself. I - I just can't take the risk of that happening."

She stared at him mutely. So it was true. He truly believed what he'd said to her a few days before.

"You really do think you're dangerous, don't you?" she breathed, and as he looked confused, she went on, to clarify, "It's not because I'm not good enough?"

"How could you possibly think it was because you weren't good enough?" Remus asked, and as his eyes met hers she felt the usual somersault in her stomach. But she merely shrugged.

"Well, I know I look awful at the moment," she muttered, running her hand through her short, mousy hair. "Be enough to put anyone off."

"You don't look awful." She loathed herself for the joy that this simple, lukewarm phrase brought her, but she couldn't help but dig deeper for further reassurance.

"So it really isn't me?"

"Of course not!"

He spoke as if this simple fact would make his reaction easier to bear.

It didn't.

"You are such a fool, Remus. It doesn't matter what you are. Really, have I ever given you the slightest sign that I give a damn about that? You know I don't care. It doesn't change who you are inside!"

"Nymph-" she glared at him and he amended himself hastily. "Tonks look, I'm going back to the wolf pack tomorrow. If you could see them - if you could see me - where I rightfully belong, you would want nothing more to do with me."

"You belong here," Tonks muttered defiantly.

There was a long, dense silence between them. Tonks was the one who broke it again.

"Fine," she said, even though things were anything but fine. "Don't worry about it, honestly. Forget I ever said anything. It's fine."

He looked completely helpless, but he got up and made for the door, and she tried to block out the feeling of despair as he did so, the overwhelming disappointment that he was not going to sit and talk and try to reasonably find a solution to this, that he really was too stubborn to give in.

Well, she could be stubborn as well. She was the daughter of Andromeda Tonks, after all.

"I'm not going to give up on you, Remus," she called after him. The only sound in reply was the click of the closing door.

Unable to help herself, Tonks curled up in a ball, and sobbed and sobbed until she thought her heart would shatter completely. Of all the Christmases she had ever had, this was by far the worst.

"Dora?" Remus was looking at her worriedly, and she guessed that the misery from the previous year must be showing on her face.

"Don't worry! I'm OK!" She smiled back at him. "I'm sorry, sometimes I can't help thinking about it… about what happened... with us. Before. But it's ok. I know it's in the past. I guess… I guess I've had a few Christmas low points as well."

"We'll make sure this Christmas makes up for it," he said, hugging her tightly again. "War be damned. We are going to have a Merry Christmas."

25th December 1997

Tonks sighed contentedly, warm and fed and happy as she looked at the crackling fire.

They were both wearing their Weasley jumpers, bright red for Remus and multicoloured for Tonks. One of the bottles of French wine from Bill and Fleur sat open on the table, nearly finished. Ginny's gift, a homemade, jewelled photo frame with a picture of them taken at Bill and Fleur's wedding – to Remus's relief he was smiling broadly in it – now stood in pride of place on the mantlepiece.

Tonks pulled the tissue paper off their final present, a large bottle of firewhisky from Kingsley, and let out a delighted laugh.

"Oh god," Remus said, as he caught sight of the familiar label.

"Fancy a game of never have I ever?"

"Definitely not!" Remus shuddered. "I don't think I could take that hangover again. I still don't even know how I functioned that Christmas Day at all, after drinking all that. And anyway, it wouldn't…" he didn't need to finish the sentence. They both knew it could never be the same without Sirius.

They sat in silence for a minute or two, then, her tongue no doubt loosened by the strong French wine, she blurted out.

"Who was Mary MacDonald?"

A strange look crossed his face, and for a second, she cursed herself. She had felt so comfortable asking the question, in the light-hearted atmosphere within their little home and the talk of their game from two years previously. But maybe she had misread the situation. After all, was Christmas really the best time to bring up old relationships, even if they were school day ones, long past and forgotten?

But then Remus just shrugged. "We went out in seventh year," he said. "For a few months. She was Lily's best friend and Lily kind of set us up together. And Mary was lovely, but things got… difficult. She never knew about what I was, you see. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her, and she knew something was wrong and that caused a lot of tension. Especially as she could tell that Lily did know. And then towards the end of school she started applying to jobs in America… so things just fizzled out."

The odd expression flitted across his face again. Sadness? Not quite. Not even regret. Curiosity, perhaps. Of what might have happened if he had told her.

"Sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean to be nosy. I've just always wondered…"

"No, it's fine… you're allowed to ask. But as we're being nosy..." Remus raised his eyebrows, looking amused, and she knew that she was about to get retaliation for being so indiscreet. "Where did you have your secret nights of passion, as Sirius called them, if not in the Room of Requirement? You clearly knew about it at school."

Tonks hesitated, feeling unusually wrong footed. But Remus had been honest with her.

"Well… I didn't exactly have any. I mean," she added, as he looked a little surprised, "I had boyfriends at school. But I never felt comfortable going that far… you know."

"OK." He smiled. "Good for you! Although Sirius would be disappointed in you, no doubt!"

"And-" Tonks swallowed. She had never admitted this, but she doubted a more perfect time would ever present itself, and she did want Remus to know. It had never felt quite right that he didn't. "I - um. I didn't really have any - um - Room of Requirement moments with anyone after school either. Not fully. Before you, I mean."

"What do you mean?"

His expression told her he knew exactly what she meant.

"Well… I did date a few guys and stuff. But work was always so busy, and I was just never bothered about them in that way, and then I met you... and that took an age and a half to get straight." She grinned at him to show she was joking about this, but went on more seriously.

"So you were… you know." She took a deep breath. "You were my first."

There was a silence as Remus's eyes widened, his mind processing the implications of this. Tonks remembered deciding, many months ago now, not to share this information with him at the time and realised she had made the right decision. He looked completely shocked.

"Why have you never told me this?" he whispered at last.

She couldn't help but laugh, despite the painful memory that it brought back.

This was a mistake, a moment of weakness. It's all my fault. I'm telling you yet again that you can do so much better than me, Tonks. Deep down, you know that as well. This needs to stop. We can't let this happen again.

"Remus, that first night we spent together you woke up the next morning and told me it was all a mistake and that it could never happen again, and that was when you didn't know. Would you have even come near me again if you had known?"

He didn't answer.

"You're not annoyed, are you?" she added, as he continued to stare at her.

"Annoyed?" he repeated blankly. "How could I possibly be annoyed?"

She shrugged. "For not telling you. And - and I did want to tell you! I've always wanted you to know. But at the start I was worried it would scare you off again. And it's just never really come up since then…"

He laced his fingers through hers. He certainly didn't look annoyed, but there was a far-off look to his gaze all the same.

"Maybe you're right," he said eventually, as his thumb traced a circle across the back of her hand "Maybe it's best I didn't know then."

"And now?"

There was a pause, and his eyes glowed as they met hers, his distant look gone.

"Well, I still can't pretend that I understand why a beautiful young woman could want her only experiences to be with a battered old werewolf."

Her face tautened and he continued hastily.

"But-"

He cupped her face with his hand, drew it closer to him and placed his forehead against her own. He did not seem to have words to express the rest of the sentence.

The feel of his mouth against hers. His hands in her hair. His lips on her neck. The dawning comprehension that this time, he was not going to push her away. The heat of his bare skin. His touch, gentle yet so powerful. Overwhelming, insatiable desire. A brief moment of pain and then feelings so intense that her body could barely take them at all.

The memory of that first night still brought an odd, thumping sensation to her stomach, a flutter in her chest, a slight ache in her fingers as her pulse quickened.

Remus's eyes were even brighter than before.

"Merry Christmas Dora."

Her mouth was on his in reply, in a kiss so different to that of the previous year. One that was not fuelled by despair and guilt and hopeless longing, but by intimacy and confidence and trust, and the safe, certain knowledge that as the days and weeks went by, they would continue to let each other in to secrets previously unshared, truths formerly unknown.

It was a very long time before she replied.

"Merry Christmas, Remus."