( 1.7: 𝔇𝔦𝔢 𝔖𝔲̈𝔫𝔡𝔢 )
Now that I am trying to gather all these memories into something I can leave to posterity, I have been looking back at them far more than I have in a long, long time.
More than anything else, what jumps out at me it just how slap silly happy I was in those days.
I was so, so happy back then, so much that I find it hard to believe now that something so good could even exist in this world.
Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I am become one of those calcified old people who chase their joy only in some illusory past, in the days of their youth when they saw the unicorn in the woods.
Maybe I'm idealizing the past when I should have seen the seeds of further misfortune in it.
It was such a fraught, childish take on happiness, suspended atop an abyss of ignorance and doom, but show me any one thing that is substantially more real, let alone permanent…
I'll leave it for you to decide, if there really was any happiness contained in those days.
The events I am about to describe were not all crammed into a short time (or I would have burned through my social battery so quick that I wouldn't have taken pleasure in anything but the first two days at most), but they all took place in the month of September, if you would believe it:
Joy packed as thickly as I could possibly stand to tolerate it.
So where do I begin?
Maybe lets start with the big one: The amateur concert on Sunday the 6th.
The moment my parents got wind of this, they were ecstatic with the chance to deck us out in proper outfits for such a proper occasion… I did have one or two proper suits which I'd occasionally worn when father brought me along to business dinners, or when I'd gone to the theater with mom to go see plays and concerts together. "Such a dapper little man~"
As soon as the subject came up, mom started fondly reminiscing about all the times that she had played in front of an audience when she was young. I once again wondered what sort of circles of wealth and status she had left behind just to run off with my father.
"Oh, that reminds me! I have just the right idea…"
She left to ransack our big storage cupboard and returned with a cardboard box, which she placed on the table and then did some further rummaging in.
Across the table, Rei and I had been doing our homework. She had suggested that we get it done today so we wouldn't have to worry about it tomorrow when it was time for us to go to the concert. I guess she always put duty before leisure, without any room for compromise.
I still heard her pen scraping against the paper, but I for my part couldn't focus when my attention was taken up by mother's mysterious box – the more she searched its contents, the more of those poked out at the sides. They were mostly clothes, including an old-fashioned black school uniform. It was a girl's uniform though, not anything I ever owned. I wonder whose it was…
At last, Mom found what she sought, and proudly pulled it from the box:
It was a formal, dark-purple dress with translucent sleeves and some intricate decorations, including a high collar made of lace.
"What do you think, Rei? I think this would be just the right thing for you to wear to the concert tomorrow."
"It it?"
She appeared to have no particular opinion about it, though she would be going with me. I knew she was like that about most things that had to do with free time so I tried not to feel wounded.
But Mom wasn't deterred in the least. Or maybe she thought Rei was just being modest.
"I'm sure it would look really cute on you! Why don't you go and try it on?"
"I have homework."
"A little break never hurt nobody."
"If you say so."
She got up and left with the dress. I don't think she was happy about it. I hoped that maybe she'd come to like it once she had tried it on. It's not like I wouldn't like the thought of seeing her in a nice dress, but not if it meant that I would become the reason that she had been forced into something uncomfortable. I know mom was just trying to encourage her, but I don't think it was working and I wasn't sure whether I should tell her.
At last, Rei reemerged from her room.
She was wearing the dress, but, how do I put it… if anyone else had worn that dress, she probably would have looked like an elegant, self-assured queen of the night, with a hint of mystique perhaps due to the color, but since it was Rei, the color scheme only served to underline her unusual complexion, and the details of the decorations looked on her maybe somewhat like the flourishes decorating the pages of an old, calligraphic book, faded ink on yellowed pages. It wasn't that it didn't look good on her, I'm just not sure if she was all that comfortable in it.
"So, Shinji, Gendo, what do you think?"
"Uh…" I didn't want Rei to feel pressured to act like she liked the dress but I didn't want to be too criticical of mom's tastes, either.
Hearing his name, father peered past the rim of the scientific journal he had been reading, but I'm not sure he had been paying much attention to the various going-ons in the room. "Yes, Yui, what is it?"
Lucky for him, Rei's uncharacteristic getup was pretty hard to miss.
"Now that brings back memories! Good thinking there."
"I don't know." said Mom, "It doesn't fit her as well as I thought it would."
"Well, Rei is still young. She'll grow into it…"
"She's shorter and thinner than I was at her age, though."
"It still looks good. It's just a little longer on her."
Noticing our scrunchy faces, my mother decided that this was probably the right time to explain: "This used to be mine, though it hasn't fit me ever since I got pregnant with Shinji. I didn't want to throw it away since I had many fond memories of it. I always thought I might give it to my daughters, but then we didn't have any…" She put her hands on Rei's shoulders in what I would have read as a nurturing gesture at the time, looking at her with a warm smile. "In any case, it's yours now. If I keep in our cupboards, it's just going to get eaten by the moths."
It seemed to be like a beautiful sentiment, the sort that would have had me just the slightest bit jealous, a show of my mother's good will and her intentions of making Rei feel welcome at our home – but I'm not sure that intention was getting through. Maybe she was seeing a different meaning in that… or maybe I was the one reading too much into it, seeing as it was usual for her responses to be somewhat subdued…
Even so, she did wear it, probably because she felt she was supposed to.
Of course, Kaworu also showed up in a suit, with a very frilly ornate dress shirt. He was the sort who could pull that off effortlessly – or any other number of more 'experimental' outfits for that matter. That one time some famous actor showed up at the red carpet with something that looked like a suit on top and like a giant ball gown at the bottom? Kaworu could rock that. An outfit made of raw meat? No one would question it. A flesh-colored bodysuit? It would be fine since it's Kaworu.
Since he was a little older than me and Rei, he looked mature enough to convincingly pass as our baby sitter, so our presence wasn't questioned as the three of us made our way toward the old town, to the hall where the concert was supposed to be held. Tokyo-3 was of course a very new city, but something still remained of the older town that had been here before, modernized and fitted into a few of the giant square blocks that made up the city's layout.
Though he had only lived here for a very short time, Kaworu had apparently wasted no time in informing himself about any relevant sights and cultural events. He had much to tell us any many historical anecdotes to relate, mostly for the benefit of Rei who was supposed to be relatively new here, but he told us some things that even I hadn't known though I had lived here for most of my life.
As we walked through the narrow streets of the old town, he suggested some other venues and activities we might want to try out, mostly cultural events, and here I thought, 'Wow. Now here is someone who's actually living his life to the fullest, filling every day like it was the last, while suckers like me can barely stand more than just to dream through all the noise'
Now of course I recognize his attitude as that of a time-travelling tourist in the last days of Pompeii, rushing to see the sights our world had to offer before it's volcano o'clock.
He had good reason to believe that the world as he saw it now would be closing up shop before long (this should prove correct) – and that the memories he'd make while it yet stood would have to last him for all of eternity. (this did not.)
"Hey, did you know? The idea that music or any other sort of art is something primarily done by dedicated professional is actually a product of this recent, capitalistic ordering of society. Until recently, people used to sing and create at almost every opportunity – during festivals, while traveling, while marching to battle during prayer, or even just to keep the time or remember important things before clocks or writing had become widespread. It's true that a certain skill is required if one wishes to make a living out of it, but the idea that to be good at it is the only possible point is a very recent one, a parochial, temporary thing – if you look at human history as a whole though any evidence-based lens, it seems much more natural to conclude that music and creativity are simply things that humans do, like how birds sing and how bees build hives.
The privilege to create ought to be open to anyone – It is a means to purify the soul, enrich it – To bring forth what is inside your heart, even when it seems impossible to understand – or to recognize oneself in the creations of others, wherein one might find the words for what they always wished to say… "
I'm not sure if he was saying this most of all to me, or to Rei. He took care to keep pace with our walking speed, facing us with a smile.
To our left, Rei looked pensive, but she said nothing.
"I don't think I have so much to say though, Kaworu-kun."
But of course, as always, he seems to have the perfect answer for anything: "Towards the end of the nineteenth century, there once lived a man who said something like this: What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. You might have heard of a certain Vincent van Gogh? Nowadays there are of course entire museums and many documentaries dedicated to his life, but our world is still filled with people whose cries go unheard, even though every single one contains a universe within… I wish to know more than anything what is in people's hearts – that is, in great part, why I took the two of you with me today. " When he got to that last bit there was a bit of an edge to his smile, and his eyes took on a mischievous glint.
If anyone else had said this it might have sounded forced or pretentious, too over the top – but the way Kaworu said it, you felt transported to some immaterial plain of meaning, where you could speak from the heart and say the hidden meaning behind your words out loud…
What could we have answered to that? No self-deprecating comment about how we were too insignificant or too ordinary would cut it.
Rei looked deep in thought – I think that by and large, Kaworu was making this grand speech for her. But it was just as he had said, he was not particularly interested in impressing anything. Instead, he was truly the sort of person who genuinely enjoyed listening to others.
That took me a while to understand and when we first met, I apologized often for venting to him about my problems or rambling on and on about my life. I made sure to ask about him of course, but that was something I had to consciously remind myself of. I enjoyed learning about him, too and of course I admired many things about him, but if I'm honest then being heard is what I mostly want while hearing about others is the part that costs me effort.
When he told me time and time again that he didn't mind and actually enjoyed the 'listening' part of it, my first instinct was to assume that he was just being polite, but that was probably presumptuous of me. I guess he's just genuinely interested in other people in a way that I can't claim to be… and it's not like moping about that is anything other than a confirmation of that pattern…
Eventually, we reached our destination and took our places in the auditorium.
The performances were a very mixed bag, from newcomers that were clearly trying their hardest and messed up here and there to some where it hardly seemed right to call them 'amateurs'. We had anything from children to seniors, people from all walks of life.
Throughout it all, Kaworu leaned back in his seat with his eyes cloned, relishing every moment.
It was hard to say what Rei thought. Maybe she was considering Kaworu's words from earlier.
I do think I liked it. There was a very… indie sort of quality to it, a kind of raw life-likeness.
But then it was our turn to get ready on stage.
"My knees are shaking… And I'm sweating… I'm afraid that my fingers are going to be all slippery – I think I might embarrass you, Kaworu-kun…"
"I'm sure that won't happen. You're a good player."
That was nice of him to say, but the thought that he would be relying on me with something that's ostensibly important to him… and that Rei would be watching…
Well, I had this fear that I would prove to be the weakest link and send us both tumbling down, disappointing everyone.
I powered through it somehow, fighting through every possible error to keep going, to stumble forward somehow without stalling out for too long in the wake of what I could look better.
When it was finally all over, I braced myself for a blow – but to see this whole room filled with people applauding… maybe it just seemed more intense to be because I was at the center of it, and even if they were applauding more than for the last few groups, it would probably have been thanks to Kaworu…
But I caught a glimpse of Rei in the crowd. It's not like she was moved to tears or anything that extraordinary, but she was watching with rapt attention, like she hardly ever did in class.
I think that meant as much to me as the whole rest of the applauding crowd put together, not that that was nothing – neither was an experience I'd had too often before.
When it was all over, Kaworu suggested that we all go have tea together.
I don't think either of us would have agreed if we'd known that he meant to bring us to a fancy old-fashioned tea house and pay for what he meant to recommend us with a big wad of cash.
I felt like I shouldn't accept this, but once we were already at the shop it felt rude to refuse.
Of course what I didn't know either was that Kaworu's situation was at best that of a rare bird in a gilded cage. If I had known, I think I would even have ordered seconds, just to try and waste as much of Chairman Keel's money as we could, thought that pointless act of rebellion would have failed to put a dent in his wealth… never mind about changing our fates.
Once we had all sat down, the first thing Kaworu said was said to Rei. "So, do you understand now what I was talking about? Were you moved by any of the performances?"
"If I was, how would I know?"
Kaworu's smile did not waver. "That's not a bad question. It's true that what one person might find moving can often leave another completely cold. I hope you weren't bored, at least."
"Bored? No."
"That's something at least!"
"It's just… I'm not certain what the point of me being there was, if I'm not participating…"
Oh no, I thought, was it what I'd feared? Was she just annoyed to be ragged along and made to wear that dress though this didn't actually interest her? That would feel less daunting if I knew what she would like to do instead… I wouldn't know what we dragged her away from, but I hope it wasn't just to endure something she found boring just out of some general notion of duty, simply 'cause you're supposed to help if you can.
"Nagisa-kun said that perhaps you would have an easier time at it if someone you knew was present in the audience. Did you, Ikari-kun?"
"I think so?" Once I blurted out that answer, I immediately regretted it. After she went through all the trouble to come, the least I could have done was to issue a clear yes – "But I was really glad you came! I wanted you to see us playing!"
"Why is that?"
Never the greatest of conversationalists, I guess I had a tendency to fall back into the basic scripts of socially accepted patterns, so it was challenging to speak to someone who had only a cursory idea of where those rails were supposed to be, and no interest in staying on them.
"That's because… the two of were interested in what you'd think…"
I, in particular, was. But that's something I wasn't ready to confront yet.
Luckily, Kaworu was here to rescue me:
"But you know, if you wanted to participate, then perhaps you should have said so. We wouldn't have minded – indeed, I would be honored."
"I can't play any instruments." said Rei, a little bit downcast. There! Now I knew what to say: "Well if you wanna learn, we can ask my parents! I already get music classes, so, if you wanted them too it's only fair that you should get them."
Rei said nothing.
But once I got my momentum, I thought it worthwhile to keep trying, "Are you worry that you won't have enough free time left between that and the lab stuff?"
"No, that's not it. But there is no need."
"There's no need for me to be doing it either, I'm not good enough to be famous. It's just… for fun. To help you wind down after a stressful day full of school and lab stuff maybe. I mean, for me, I think I mostly do it 'cause it gives me the sense that I'm accomplishing something… if that makes sense…"
"Your feelings came through." said Kaworu, making sure to put me at ease. "It's wonderful to create something. To have it take shape out of nothing – whether it is a physical object like in some handicrafts project, or something more abstract like a song or a story."
Rei thought on that for a moment. "I don't think I have it in me to create anything, or anything that I could share with others, offer it to them – outside of my work at the laboratory. I could study the techniques and methods, but if you say that the point if to have something to say, or to share, then there is probably no point. I could Whatever I would make would always remain stilted, barren, different from a real creator. I don't think that I have anything inside of me that I could draw from..."
That's some heavy stuff to casually drop over tea. And here I was complaining that the things I thought I had to say were simply boring or irrelevant, just not what anyone would want to hear – but to say that you didn't have anything to tell that would be worth sharing… she didn't even sound especially emotional when she said that. If there was any distinct feeling to it was probably resignation.
I felt that this couldn't be left unaddressed, but young and dumb as I might have been even I wasn't so deluded as to think that some witty remark on my part was going to obliterate that sort of deeply held sentiment…
"Well, there's nothing like it but practice. Repeat the same thing over and over again, until you feel satisfied with it. Perhaps it might help you to focus on the aspect of technical skill first. Sometimes, the inspiration will come along while you are practicing… - and if you really don't enjoy it, you can always stop. I do think you should give it a try, though – Our precious time here is short after all."
I thought then that he'd be referring to human lives in general, or even just to the time of our youth – Though now I know of course that Rei would have caught his original meaning.
She did, in fact, end up taking up music lessons.
She didn't really talk to be about it. I didn't know until right before mom was going to drive me to my next lesson and she just got in the elevator with us. Rei had already procured herself an instrument and everything, a sleek Viola that she says Kaworu helped her pick out – so it seems that his wish to get to know her better had also come to fruition.
It helps that Rei was not the sort to be discouraged if she doesn't get results right away.
She wasn't interested in many things, but when she was, she able to summon considerable difference, perhaps more than a typical kid our age would usually manage. I guess she was pretty mature in that regard. In the light of later events, I wonder if either of my parents had told her that it would 'help with her work'.
Unlike me, she was not very sensitive to praise or critique. Once she'd started, she just kept going. Her presence didn't change my lessons didn't change very much. For the most part, she was just quiet and did as she was instructed. But sometimes we'd speak a little before or after the lessons. Those were also happy moments.
Of course, that wasn't the only new developments.
The next one was brought to me by a very excited Kensuke:
"Hey Shinji, have you heard the rumors?!"
"What rumors?"
"About the glasses girl! The mysterious girl with glasses that's been seen on the perimeter of the school, on the roof, or on the stairs leading from the yard. About Nagisa's age, could be a first year or a second year, very… mature if you know what I mean. She's not wearing our uniform and she doesn't belong to any class at our school… maybe she's a spy?!"
Touji was not convinced. "Who'd spy on a bunch of middle schoolers like us?"
"Well if she was real, " said Hikari butting in, "She would be trespassing, and you should report her to the teachers or me."
As you might see later I had good reasons to entertain a definite suspicion, one that was later proven true. So I wasn't too excited about Kensuke's speculative plots to track down the mystery girl. Though I guessed that if he did find her, there's a chance they'd get along.
What else can I think of?
There is that one sunny afternoon when Touji, Kensuke and I decided to hit the arcade, and ended up running into Asuka, whom we found disciplining an unruly picker arm machine with some percussive maintenance when it refused to spit out the plushie she'd been trying to get at. (though she would of course viciously deny any interest in any stuffed animals)
After Kensuke and I barely managed to prevent her and Touji from descending into a brawl, there ensued a goof amount of virtual contests on the various arcade machines. Thanks to my average reflexes and miserable quick-thinking I was usually the first one to lose. Once he followed, Touji channeled his frustration into insisting that we both cheer on Kensuke, but when he got beaten, he was way too impressed with Asuka's finishing combo to bother being mad about his loss.
"That was straight up sublime~"
"Hey Kensuke, whose side are you even on?!"
"A masterful performance like this has got to be appreciated. It's got nothing to do with sides."
Thus we spent a great part of the day there, playing various retro games, drinking cheap vending machine soda. At that point it still wasn't especially cold, but I could already tell that the days were getting shorter. As the light got low, it became apparent which bits of the arcade were painted to be glow-in-the-dark. Towards the end of it I think I was kind of getting a feel for the rhythm games and even won at pool or table hockey once or twice.
But we didn't stay for 'the rest of the day', because it was still a little before our curfews when Asuka did pick an honest to good fight with a bunch of tattooed thugs.
After insisting that we weren't 'with her' didn't work, Touji was just about ready to throw down as a matter of honor, but he never got his chance because Asuka, who at the time was a little girl half their size, laid them all flat with the most unreal acrobatic move I had seen in my life up to that day. You might be thinking that this sounds like something out of an action movie or an anime, but I assure, it was much quicker and dirtier than that, over in a second.
For some reason the four of us all ended up running off into the same direction, as if we were following some buried instinct from the Devonian age where our distant ancestors still lived in schools of fish. I never thought that someone like me would end up actually running from the authorities before the age of 20. Or was it the thugs? Whichever got ahead.
We'd just have to hope that the owner hadn't seen our faces 'cause we really liked going to that particular place. It would be just like Asuka to get us banned for life.
In any case we did escape. We all ended up panting in some back alley – no, not all of us. Even Touji was out of breath, but somehow Asuka wasn't.
I knew so little about anything to do with sports or fights that I might still have chalked this up to her being very athletic and generally ridiculous instead of recognizing it for the great anomaly that I ought to have known them for, after all it's not like those muscular thugs were wimps.
Luckily, we had the power of Kensuke on our side: "Wow that was so awesome! Those were some military grade moves right-there!" Then he asked her about what I presume were particular holds or techniques he thought she'd used.
"Pah, that was nothing! I got the upper hand on them 'cause they underestimated me. It wouldn't have been anywhere as easy if they'd taken me seriously from the get-go. Bet they didn't expect me to fight back just 'cause I'm a girl. Stupid pigs."
You know, Asuka, if I were you I'd cut them some slack. You're not exactly Serena Williams.
I think a great deal of their surprise was less due to your gender and more because you're literally twelve.
"That really was amazing though! Do you take self-defense classes?"
"Something like that. Well then, bye~ Gotta dash~"
On our way home, the three of us made sure to give the general area of the arcade a wide berth, lest we be forced to content with those delinquents without our star player. Touji of course insisted that he wasn't scared of them, but we could get him to agree that getting into another scuffle would be needlessly bothersome.
"Maaan…" said Kensuke as we waited for the bus, "That was really cool how Soryu beat up those tattooed guys. I still can't believe that she beat me at MissileMaster, either, And she's got good looks on top of that!"
"Pity about her personality, eh? If you upset her, she would probably put you in the hospital."
"That's true…"
"Come on guys, you're exaggerating..."
Another time, we went to a sort of rummage sale, though they were also selling posters. Despite my better judgment I'd been strong-armed into forking over some of my own money once Asuka's had run out and so I was determined to actually spend the other half on stuff that I wanted, even if that meant that I'd once again be bankrupt long before the month even hit its midway point. I was rather sheepish and apologetic in suggesting-slash-asking if maybe we could kinda sorta bring Kaworu, but contrary to my fears the adversity of Touji's response didn't go beyond a sort of vague noncommittal grumble, followed by, "I guess it's fine."
Kensuke promptly winked at me from where Touji wouldn't see it, as if to say 'See? Told you he'd warm up to the idea'. I guess my feeble social battery wouldn't have to cope with a scheduling related nightmare after all.
I guess it helped that it had by then become apparent that Kaworu didn't have any particular interest in monopolizing the attentions of the female students (as if there were any chance that they would have been drooling over Touji instead)… no, actually, I think it's really down to the lack of snobbishness shown in Kaworu's actions. Jealousy-inducing or not, Touji must've had time to see now that he was ultimately a good person.
So we went there to find 'cool posters' or anything else that qualified as 'cool'. I think each of us had a slightly different idea of that – Kensuke brought home several sci-fi-themed posters and a few with prints of vintage anime, some model guns and a toolbox he thought he could use. Touji was more into tough guy motivational posters ("Awesomeness: If you are ever sad, just be awesome instead."), but he also got his hands of some pairs of second-hand high-end trainers that some rich hipster must have discarded after getting even never, fancier ones. It was last year's model, but since unlike our parents Touji's had an additional kid to worry about and provide for, he couldn't have afforded them when they were new. Now that they were no longer the newest edition, the price had steeply plummeted, so Touji was able to resolve all his sport shoe needs for the foreseeable future.
I for my part came home with a nice new poster of the solar system for my room and an old radio. Unlike Touji's shoes it wasn't exactly in mint condition and I'd lamented that I'd love to buy it if I had the skills to properly repair it – that's when Kaworu told me that he absolutely did know how to fix stuff and would love to show me how.
His own haul consisted mostly of a calendar for next year (with some impressive panoramic nature photos in it) and a little bit of decorations for his new lodgings.
He mentioned living alone, which elicited some compassionate responses from my friends: "Wow, that must be tough! I have a younger sister and our grandfather lives with us, so I can't imagine what that must be like."
Though really, the closest that Kensuke and I came to understanding is how we were often alone because our parents were busy. But if we were feeling alone, or there was some emergency, we could at least phone them or something and know that they'd come get us. So it wasn't really the same. In either case, Kaworu scored a decorative lamp with amber beads in its shade, and a fancy old mechanical clock. He really did have impeccable taste, or maybe there was just some overlap between his and mine.
But the part I really cherish wasn't so much the material things we had, but just the feeling of how we went about that place, rummaging through the exhibits, making various comments about some of the various things we found, some funny, some insightful… the sorts of remarks that really showed their personalities, as results of the specific combinations of traits and experiences that had made them – the sort of things that only Touji, Kensuke or Kaworu would say, memorable enough to make me really grateful to have them in my life – had then in my life. Past tense now.
Anyways, there's one more thing I bought.
["Hey Asuka! Look what I found!"]
Attached to that text message was a photo of a plushie I'd found at the rummage sale, the exact same one that had slipped through her fingers at the arcade time and time again. It was an anime mascot that was rather popular a few years ago.
I had to make sure to acquire it while Touji and Kensuke were distracted – if I told them that it was for a girl, I'd never hear the end of it.
["Why'd you get that?! Don't tell me you spent all aftertoon at the arcade trying to win it for me or something."]
["No- I just saw one, I remembered that you'd wanted it, and so-"]
["Geez. I wanted to win it myself. It's just not the same to get a free handout! Like I'd be that interested in stupid stuffed animals or anything, I was playing that game for the challenge."]
["Oh… then I guess I'll have to see if someone else wants it… Maybe Suzunami, or Kirishima…"]
["Nah! Now that you've gone and bought it, it would feel pointless to try and win it. Give it here."]
["What, right now?"]
Not exactly. She ended up picking it up the next morning, when she came to drag me out of bed again.
There was also the time that the science club drafted volunteers for a wildlife survey in the forests of the nearby mountains.
Marie had apparently instructed all her fellow club members to ask everyone they knew, and though Rei had obediently done as she asked, for what little good that did, for there were at best three people she could be said to 'know', and of those, Mayumi had to decline on account of being somewhat squeamish about creepy crawlies.
Rei explicitly noted this when she came to Kaworu and me, if not in those exact words.
"So we're your last hope, eh?" said Touji, who happened to be nearby when she sought us out. "Well, we can't have you show up empty handed."
"Yeah," Kensuke jumped in, "I'd feel bad if you got chewed out by Vincennes."
Honestly I don't think Rei would have been that upset if she hadn't managed to draft anyone, she was simply doing what Marie asked her – nor do I think that the other science club members would all have gone to bother that many of their peers just cause she said so. But it was a nice sentiment. Honestly I was surprised that Rei had even considered Mayumi, she still had some of those get well cards from her in her room but at first I'd thought that Rei must have assumed that they were sent out of obligation only, and Mayumi herself was too reserved to make her intentions all too obvious, but I think she had some admiration for Rei, just for the way she didn't seem to care what people think. But who knows – maybe they were on their way to becoming friends.
I sure didn't see Rei ending up as besties with Marie, she just kind of enjoyed ordering people around and Rei seemed to just quietly endure it.
So in the end, we ended up near a forest along with a flock of science club members and their various plus ones. Our task would be to turn over stones and record what manner of insects we found living beneath them. We'd also set up traps to catch some, placed some microphones to record insect wing noises and try to jot down roughly how many insects we had seen.
Marie was highly excited about underappreciated local species. She never shut up about it and despite her surface level veneer of politeness once could not fail to note that they were being bossed around. Touji was not too excited about that, but Kensuke agreed that we should endure it 'For Science!'.
I noted a distinct lack of Hikari and Asuka in our ranks. Despite her zeal for studying, I guess the former would be unlikely to get excited about anything involving insects. And I bet Asuka just straight up refused, probably with some backhanded comment about how she wished Marie a good time 'digging around in the dirt'. Upon first contact, you'd think Marie would be too frivolous for such a thing, but it seems her enthusiasm for all things sciency truly knew no bounds.
But that aside, it was altogether a pleasant activity – the forest air was pure and fresh, the scenery picturesque with gnarled old trees and trickling streams, and our tasks ensure that we took a much closer look at our surroundings than we otherwise would have.
I remember looking at the sceneries and thinking how they seem like the kinds of views that must have inspired poems and romantic fairy-stories.
I remember the sight of Rei sitting among the weeds, her hair even wilder than usual, jotting things down on her clipboard.
I remember Kaworu taking a deep inhale while gesturing widely with his arms, taking in the impressive sight. And though I don't recall the details now, I think Touji and Kensuke somehow managed to get themselves all drenched after goofing around near the creek when they ought to have been looking out for flies or mosquitoes.
And there was that time, during the end of this, when Kaworu glanced over the many tally-marks in his notes with a certain melancholia on his fine features. "It's not just people. There are so many, many lifeforms thriving on this planet…" he said it like it was a tragedy. To him, I suppose it is one. I can only presume that he was feeling the same sense of dilemma that he would one day bring upon me.
He then turned to Rei, regarding her meaningfully. "Though it was an accident, I cannot help but praise your work."
"It wasn't me. We don't share the same memories, we don't have the same shape, the same powers? So how could she possibly be me? – Her experiences must be something that we cannot even fathom. Maybe you can."
"It is true that you couldn't have memories – physical connections in a brain that only began to exist very recently. Yet it was some physical process that gave you life, in which your brain was involved without a doubt. The soul never truly forgets. Surely, you must have heard her voice- perhaps in your dreams."
I had no idea what the two of them were talking about – I suppose someone from the lab? Maybe I imagined it, but, I had the impression that as soon as Kaworu mentioned this hypothetical 'she', there was no part of Rei's body that didn't stiffen ever so slightly.
"I don't remember any dreams."
"No? Well, I've heard that having new experiences is supposed to stimulate them. People dream all the times when they get to new places. Now that I've gotten here, I have been-"
"I don't wish to discuss this at this moment."
"Oh, my apologies. It was not my intention to cause you discomfort. Perhaps I got carried away in my excitement." He was going to leave it at this, but evidently he couldn't quite stop himself from asking: "What do you see? When you look at all this."
"I see how everything lives and eats and breeds and crawls. Disgusting, stinking, pulsating with flesh. It's all pointless but, it all struggles. Hurts. Strives. Everything interlocks in relation to each other. Everything is connected."
"And you and I stand outside the circles and do none of those things?"
That's when they noticed me. Kaworu put on his best smile and waved at me. So I never found out how that conversation would have continued.
Not all memorable moments were distinct events, though. There's a lot of little moments here and there – days on which Asuka dragged me along to help her with her shopping. ("Does this dress make me look fat? Those earrings really make me look all grownup, don't they?")
At other times she would just show up unannounced and since we had nothing else planned, we'd end up flipping through various disappointing TV channels or she'd end up doing her nails while I played some adventure game Kensuke recommended me, until my mom came home and made some pleasant, trivial conversations with the two of us, and even Rei whenever she'd actually come out of her room. I think Asuka might have regarded our home as the default place to crash whenever her mom was particularly busy.
"It's just depressing to sit around in that quiet apartment all the time. If there's no one making any noise, that would just get me down for no good reason."
I guess being an extrovert also has it's disadvantages.
During all this, I was never aware that this was a moment I would be missing – it was just mundane everyday life. To have Asuka lounging on our couch was not a special occurrence.
And yet I miss it so much.
At first she was annoyed by Rei's presence there, but she stayed mostly out of Asuka's hair so, there wasn't really much opportunity for drama. By this point she'd gotten used to her being there, like a piece of furniture that you eventually tune out. She might've been starting to tolerate her, to see her as part of the pack if nothing else.
I don't really know what Rei thought. She didn't seem to care much one way or another.
But a few times, the three of us did have dinner together – mostly when my parents were home, cause they would have called us all to the table with no idea of our territorial avoidance games. The result was really just mother and Asuka carrying most of the conversation, but it was still nice and peaceful, after a fashion?
(1.7: The curse from Genesis)
But that wasn't all that happened this September, not even to start with… which all of this was going on, even while I waded through this time of bliss, I had already grabbed the strangely warm quill made of rooster's feathers, and signed my name in red ink.
Let's go back to Monday the 7th – that would be day right after the amateur concert.
I'd gone to sleep all blissed out and rose refreshed in the morning, so much I almost didn't mind that it was time to go to school again.
I'd barely paid much attention to it between all that stuff with Kaworu transferring in and Asuka being all upset that first week, but I think I did hear Touji mentioning that some kind of talent scouts might be coming to our school. Touji was hoping that his contributions to the basketball club might get him noticed, though no one was really sure what kind of 'scouting' that was actually supposed to be or what sort of 'talent' they might be looking for – Kensuke wished Touji all the best, but he thought it more likely that they might be looking for musical or media-related talent, since we had outright starlets like Kotone in our ranks… and she wasn't the only one, apparently, there was a bunch of girls in class C that had a somewhat successful band going. Though he was speculating that the people from the record label might forget all about either of them 'if they so much as got a whiff of Nagisa on his piano'.
Kensuke for his part hoped that they were military people, simply because he wanted an excuse to look at flyers with pictures of guns and tanks. In some way he was often the voice of reason in our little group, the insightful one who could explain everything about people and organizations, but in other ways, he was still very much a little boy, or at least, very single-minded in his focus.
Our country might have been at peace right now, but one never knows what the future holds, and North Korea is a thing that exists. Even if you'd probably just end up playing with guns and doing glorified nature hikes, I wouldn't want to risk even the theoretical possibility that I might end up having to shoot another human being simply because I'm being told to.
If it were me, I probably wouldn't be able to do it, and end up getting shot myself instead.
Well, whatever it was that Kensuke or Touji had been imagining, it didn't end up mattering, because we were all wrong.
September 7th 2014
T minus 492 days
Yet even that fateful moment started out like a perfectly normal day at school, until Misato came in the classroom and clapped her hands a few times to get our attention.
"Okay kids, today we're going to do something a little different."
She then fed us a story about a survey for the ministry of health for which we would all be subjected to mandatory checkups, and then, walking in two rows of pairs, we were marched out to the nurses' office where a host of medical equipment was already arranged in place, along with curtains and dividers meant to preserve our modesty.
Ritsuko-san was already waiting there – Ritsuko-san was our school nurse, a woman with distinctive bleach-blonde hair who tended to wear a lot of makeup. I believe she's friends with Misato-sensei – even back then, I'd seen them talking at times – but she's not nearly as approachable, much more of a serious, 'conventional' adult to whom you'd naturally speak with some measure of respect. I myself had hardly spoken with her though, I only knew her name from when she introduced herself to us at the beginning of the school year. So far I had avoided any sports injuries or sudden illness that would have gotten me sent to the nurses' office.
Little did I know that I would come to know several things about her intimate life that I desperately wish I could un-hear…
But back then, the only impression I'd had of her at that point was that she looked to be a pretty serious person, maybe a bit intimidating even, not warm or welcoming, like you might imagine a nurse.
That is, of course, because she was only posing as a nurse. All for this one moment. Everyone in our class was already presumed to be suitable – anyone who worked for the Artificial Evolution Laboratory (at least officially) had to submit themselves and their family members for an evaluation, something as simple as having a Q-tip poked against the inside of their cheeks for a DNA sample, and if they get the job and the test was positive, their kids would be expected to give a sample as well. Sometimes, in case of non-combat personnel like HR, the cleaners or the waiters at the cafeteria, it was quite likely that that they sometimes got the job because the test was positive.
Perhaps my parents had even justified this by arguing that they were no hypocrites and had their own son tested before anyone else; At least, it was hard to imagine that that sort of policy would ever have been tolerated if the ones in charge had not led by example.
I would eventually learn that some grew to fear my parents when they heard that, that they would be so ruthless as to use even their own child… but if they hid me away, and saved me alone simply cause they could get away it as the leaders, they would probably have been judged even more harshly. At least some accepted only because they really needed the work – or really wanted it, more than they had wanted not to volunteer their kids. Or maybe they'd just hoped that this chalice would pass them by.
I do not remember the test, but why would I? What would be so memorable about being prodded with a q-tip once? It's possible that they had it done right after my birth, when I was still a reddish, scrunched-up newborn. Or maybe it was done one of those times when Mom brought me to work and I ended up playing with Asuka, Kaworu and the others. Maybe that's when we all were first tested, or at least those of us who had come into this world by (more or less) conventional means, meaning Asuka, Mari and me.
In any case, it was so far back that I didn't remember.
Unbeknownst to me back then, it wasn't just the case that the candidates like Rei, Asuka or Kaworu had all been sorted into this class. We had all been flagged as potential candidates, and then assembled here. Based on that, the children of all laboratory employees working in this city were either sorted into class A, or some other class. But candidates that had been found by other means were also assembled here.
I really should have noticed. Very, very few of us were native residents of Hakone. The students of class A had all been assembled from different parts of the country. Kensuke's family was originally from Yokohama. Touji was born in Sakai, in the Osaka prefecture. My own parents originally met in Kyoto. They got Kotone from some random orphanage where no one would have looked too closely if people on government business showed up and took her with them, as she had no parents to get mad on her behalf – and of course, Marie and Asuka had been brought here from entirely different countries!
Class A was entirely made up of possible candidates, or at least people who were presumed to be such. But that would just have been a binary assessment: Was there any chance at all that it would work, or was there not?
What they hadn't done yet was a detailed assessment on each of us, a scoring of how suitable we were, and who would be the most promising ones to prioritize for the next stage of the project.
Eventually, I would be forced to conclude that that is what this was. No doubt that Asuka, Kaworu and Rei had undergone such procedures done already, but maybe they were here to provide controls so that they could easily compare our scores to the results of actual candidates rather than whatever first aptitude test they would have taken as kids.
I believe they even tested the other classes, both to maintain the fiction that this was some sort of health survey, and to have a control group of definite non-candidates to which to compare our values. I did see the kids of class B filing out of their classroom after we were back in ours.
Even Ritsuko couldn't examine an entire class of kids on her own, so she had recruited some of the teachers and teacher's assistants to assist her with the 'survey'. Within the month, I would learn that every single one of them was secretly laboratory staff in disguise. But there was limit to how many kids could be fit into the nurses' office, so the rest of us were each handed a surprisingly thick questionnaire. "Please answer as honestly as you can and take good care to read the questions carefully!" said a bespectacled teacher's assistant as she handed me the paper. "The results of this survey are very important. For science!"
Also handing out papers, Ms. Kaga the biology teacher addressed us with a sheepish smile. "What Aoi-san means is that the results of this will help a great many people if you all give it your best…"
"Next one!" called Ms. Ibuki from behind one of the screens – she was one of the match teachers as well as the one in charge of the computer club. While she waited for the next subjects, the first ones to be examined were now let go – and that would have been Rei and Kensuke, on account of the alphabet starting with an 'A'.
The freckled boy was still pressing a wad of cotton to the point in the crook of his arm where he'd apparently been prodded for a blood sample and looked far less enthusiastic now than he had been when he'd considered the prospect of military recruiters showing up (as if enlisting didn't involve a physical), but Rei just calmly walked out of there in her usual businesslike, long-suffering manner, as if she did this every day.
The two of them were also handed a questionnaire – it was a thick one. Still under the illusion that all this was some sort of study to investigate the health & wellness habits of adolescents these days, I expected there to be questions like how often we exercised or if we were drinking enough water and eating enough vegetables.
Instead, there were all manner of questions with no immediately discernible pattern to them: What's the meaning of life? How would you describe your relationship with your mother? What's your favorite color? If you ever ended up committing a murder, what do you think would be the reason?
When we discussed the matter later in the afternoon, Kensuke would describe it like this:
"It's like there's a replicant loose in the school in and they're trying to find it."
I was told that was a reference to a classic sci-fi movie that Kensuke was way too young to actually see when he pirated it off the internet.
The questionnaire was divided into multiple sections which at least appeared to have some consistent themes to them – one could have been a personality test, another perhaps some sort of psychological evaluation, which was at least somewhat related to 'health and wellness'. But other sheets seemed to be asking random philosophical opinions, or insanely personal questions: What is your first memory? Do you believe in God? Describe the nearest person to your right in three sentences or less. Which do you think is more important, and why: The collective or the individual? How often do you masturbate? ...were they even allowed to ask us that?
The last page had math problems, as well as some questions about series of numbers or patterns that looked like some sort of intelligence test.
Somewhere behind me, Asuka was plowing through her questionnaire at a pace that suggested eagerness but also a certain annoyance. I chalked it up to how she generally hated being poked or plodded in any way.
Easy to spot by the distinctive cotton candy pink of her hair, Kotone was likewise very hard at work, anxious to contribute to the advancement of science.
Some, like Mayumi, looked unsure about what to write.
But most students, like me, were just mildly annoyed or puzzled by it and eager to be done. Touji and Mana for example were really, really bored. Marie was wondering out loud about what the survey might be testing for, oblivious to how few of her fellow students were actually listening to her. Kaworu looked thoughtful, sighing here and there.
I couldn't get it all answered before my name was called: "Ikari! Ikari Shinji!"
I was told to put the sheets aside and finish answering later. For now, I was to take off my uniform jacket. Ms. Ritsuko greeted me politely enough but entirely businesslike. I felt a little like I was being processed on an assembly line but that didn't make me any less embarrassed of unbuttoning my shirt.
I had the impression, for a moment, that she paused to size me up, as an intrepid hero might do when they were finally meeting their arch-nemesis face to face, though I believe that this might have been my imagination, or some hindsight bias that I am superimposing onto the past from where I am now. "So, you are Ikari Shinji-kun, correct?"
It started out like a pretty normal physical: She pulled out a stethoscope, touching it to my chest and then my stomach, and then at last my back, asking me to "Take a deeeeep deep breath".
She got my blood pressure and oxygen saturation, and my lung capacity too – each with its own specialized machine – and then she prepped me for a blood sample. "Just a little prick!"
It's not my first time at a doctor so I know that it doesn't even hurt that much, but it's knowing that it is coming and yet having to sit there that is the hard part. I apologized in advance in case I'd embarrass myself too badly, and when it all worked out, I ended up feeling bad for whinging so much to begin with.
Next she put one of those caps on me, to measure my brainwaves. Ms. Ibuki spent quite some time squirting conductive gel into all the little electrodes while Ms. Ritsuko went across the room behind the other screen, presumably to inflict the same poking and prodding on Hikari. ('H' comes right after 'I' after all)
Then, when I was all hooked up, I was talked through a series of oddly basic tasks, like naming random objects, saying my own name or being asked to picture my family in my mind as long as I could. It gradually transitioned into something like a new-agey visualization exercise.
Picture a sphere filled with all the love you feel for your parents held within your chest.
Name five things that make you happy.
Think of traits and experiences that differentiate you from others.
I found it harder and harder to discern the meaning of this exercise.
Can you think of any secret that you don't ever want anyone to know?, she asked me. You don't have to say it, just think of it as hard as you can.
What is the worst thing you have ever done?
Ms. Ritsuko looked at the spikes on her screen, and said, "You're doing very good."
All of the questions and the being fiddled with gradually pulled me into a hypnotic lull, and I think by the end of it I gave more honest answers than my initial self-consciousness would have allowed for.
The last thing she asked me to do is to just let my mind drift for ten minutes and keep following whatever naturally comes to mind, so that her instruments could observe the default patterns of my brain. Well, if there was one skill I had most certainly honed to perfection, it would have to be the art of sitting still and staring at the walls.
I wonder what sort of things the lines on her monitor could tell her about my mind and heart.
At least, I was spared having to pee in a cup or getting poked with thermometers in embarrassing places, so it was not so bad as far as physicals went.
I was let go and left to finish filling out the paper in the time that it would tell them to get from H for Horaki to Y for Yamagishi. I don't think we had anyone starting with a 'Z' in our class.
All in all, I had no idea what had just taken place. I was still enough of a child to view it as just another thing some adults had told me to participate with. If its significance had not become known to me within the month, I don't think that day would have left any trace in my long-term memories at all – that is, if this were all that had happened.
There was one more aspect to it that might at least have lingered as a curiosity, something that startled me – it occurred when everything was almost wrapped up. Mayumi had emerged from behind the screen but was still fumbling with her jacket, when a voice emerged from the hallway.
"Oi! Wait! Miss Science Lady! Don't close up shop yet!"
The one who had spoken so brazenly revealed herself immediately by sending the sliding door rattling against the other end up its tracks, stepping inside.
Most of our classmates were confused, for there stood a girl whom most of them had never seen before – She wasn't even sporting our uniform, but wearing a completely different one.
I'd later learn that she'd kept it cause it was easy to clean, and because people in the city were much more suspicious of a school-aged girl walking around on her own throughout the day when she was going around in her own clothes. It was all about making herself look like she belonged there – though that strategy broke down the moment she came near an actual school, as her different uniform marked her as clearly being from somewhere else.
Besides the same plaid skirt and green cravat I'd seen on her last time, she now came in with a long-sleeved blouse and brown blazer. After all, it would have been suspicious if she'd still have been walking around in a summer uniform, even if it had not gotten especially cold yet.
It's still impressive that she managed to get into this school undetected – especially now that I know well that this was never an ordinary school. But of course, Mari had always been rather resourceful, well-informed and well-connected.
I'm not sure if she recognized her or not, but in any case, Ritsuko didn't appear any less confused than we were. Some mumbling broke out between my classmates – Hikari was rightfully concerned about what some stranger from another school might be doing here.
I wasn't sure what to do – I hardly seemed appropriate to just walk up to her and greet her.
My first instinct was to look at the faces of Rei, Asuka and Kaworu. I figured that if anyone knew what was going on, it would be them – but from the look of them, it would appear that they had not been expecting her either: Kaworu seemed intrigued, Rei appeared somewhat concerned and Asuka was looking downright indignant, which was arguably her default response to anything, but knowing what I do now I think she must have been insulted that anyone would dare intrude on this sacred rite that was so important to the institution she'd pinned so much of her hopes to – or maybe she understood well and good that another challenger had just appeared, with the example of Kaworu so recent in her memory.
But the one who had been called upon to answer was still Miss Ritsuko. "What are you doing here?!"
"Oh, you know, same thing as everyone else~" She actually had the audacity to wink.
I think Ritsuko's right eyebrow might have been twitching.
"Oh come on, don't make such a scary face. You're really strapped for test subjects, right? That's why you're here right, to look for them? Well you just got a volunteer!"
Her speech was somewhere between an excited kitten and an old veteran from a period drama.
There were so many rules for how to act in a school, with your doctor, or even just with people like you – rules so ingrained as to appear as solid to me as walls. The way she casually flaunted them made her presence in this room just the slightest bit unreal.
I think deep down Ritsuko-san was a more conventional type as well, so this sudden assault on her sense of propriety left her without any chance to speak.
"I know, I know – you did some hard work to collect the possible candidates and all that, there's practically no chance that it would actually work with some random stranger off the street. But here's an even better question: What's the odds that I could just waltz in here like it's nothing if I didn't know what I'm talking about? That's pretty slim too isn't it? So what's the harm in just having a look at me, since you've already got your equipment set up and all that?
If you're lucky, you might get a candidate out of me, and if you don't, well, I guess you could still try having me arrested."
She casually walked past the staring crowd of students and assistants, only to plop herself down on Ritsuko's examination table and to begin taking off her blazer.
Mari was lucky that Misato had departed for the staff room once she'd delivered us, that sort of stunt would have never flown in front of her.
Just as she was about to discard her jacket, Mari remembered something and picked it back up to go digging through its pockets. "Oh right! If you're satisfied with what you see, contact me using this number. I got both the phone and the contrast with an illegal bank account that I bought of the Dark Web, so please don't waste the hard work of your underlings by trying track me, alright? Okie Dokie~ You may now poke me with your syringes. Meoww~"
Then, without a warning, she started unbuttoning her shirt. It was only through Ms. Ibuki's rapid action that the modesty curtain got closed in time.
I caught a glimpse of Mari's bra, and it's hot pink. Her boobs were kind of spilling out of it though, I think she needs to buy a bigger one again.
"Just where the hell are you looking, Baka-Shinji!?"
"Hey, I couldn't help it. I didn't think she would take off her shirt! But… that is Mari, right? Mari from the lab?"
Seemingly unaffected by that near-nudity experience, Kaworu nodded, thoughtfully bringing his fingers to his chin. "This is an unexpected development. Things are, without doubt, getting interesting."
"...Makinami…" mused Rei. "I believe I heard Dr. Ikari and the Director mentioning someone like that, in conversation with Ms. Soryu or the Vice Director."
Asuka just groaned. "That stupid Four-eyes. Hasn't changed at all! She still reaaaally likes getting attention, huh?"
I wouldn't say that. I think it's more that she's completely indifferent as to whether people notice her or not. She's a bit like Rei in that regard, but because her basic temperament is quite different, the results are vastly disparate in practice. Also, she's somewhat absent-minded… or maybe it's more correct to say that her focus isn't always where that of the average person would have been.
"Why is she even here? What's she talking about, what does she mean by test subjects?"
"What are you, stupid? Isn't it obvious? I thought I'd told you that the people at the lab keep scouting for new candidates. This whole thing here, this bogus 'survey' or whatever, it's all a plot to test more people. Dr. Akagi is secretly a researcher from the lab. Do you really think it's a coincidence that me, Nagisa and Miss Honor Student all go to this same school?"
Actually no, not really.
I think I had begun to suspect it the moment Kaworu told me he was transferring.
"Still, the nerve of her, to just show up like this out of nowhere. What a showoff. Does she think she can beat us or what?"
Rei said nothing. Kaworu just shrugged with an apologetic smile.
"This means war! From now on, she and I are going to be rivals. Rivals, I tell you!"
I wouldn't put too much stock into Asuka's martial declarations to be honest. Her bite has never been as fearsome as her bark and she tends to get attached pretty quickly for someone so combative… I mean, look at how she keeps hanging out with me. Besides, Mari has something that I don't: Very thick skin. She doesn't really take Asuka's mean words all that seriously so she usually just laughs them off without getting angry or hurt. If anything she often gets a laugh out of teasing her right back.
All in all, the relationship between the two is probably closer to 'friends' than to 'enemies'. When we were kids she would often complain about 'that annoying weirdo who keeps singing for no reason' but then she'd turn around and drag Mari into participating into our games and activities, often while bossing her around, which Mari didn't mind.
They're an odd couple for sure: Mari who still talks and talks without a filter but is really something of a recluse who doesn't like being part of groups, and Asuka who is most definitely an extrovert but doesn't really seem to like people that much even when she spends so much time around them.
When the curtain swooshed back to the side, a mercifully fully dressed Mari wasted little time in jumping up from her spot and getting ready to leave.
Not far from her, Dr. Akagi was staring at her monitor.
I can't help but admit that I felt more than a little mortified when she stopped to wave at our little group – all the ones she would have known from the lab. "Bye bye your Highness! Puppy boy! Everyone else~3 ~3 ~3"
You could practically hear the unnecessary emojis that sentence would have contained if she had set it down in print.
That was bound to generate rumors.
"Oi, Shinji, do you know that chick?" Kensuke was more than a little impressed. I guess he likes a girl who knows how to cover her illegal activities.
Touji, not so much. He said he was more into modest, old-fashioned girls.
Hikari for her part had been mildly scandalized. Marie apparently missed the whole thing because her focus was completely on answering the questionnaire.
In any case the incident would have caused a whole lot of gossip. Much speculation. Kensuke probably had a field day fitting this into his favorite conspiracies.
But there's one bit that I could speculate on myself as soon as I saw how grumpy Asuka looked when she arrived the next day.
"Mari's been hired at the lab, hasn't she?"
"She is under consideration as the fourth qualified candidate." said Rei. "However, due to various doubts among the laboratory staff, neither she nor Nagisa-kun have received an official designation yet."
"Kaworu-kun hasn't got one, either?"
"His test results were somewhat anomalous."
Aha.
I don't think either of three bothered to keep very much hidden from me at this point. They each must have figured that I knew about the others already. And I was the lead researchers' kid after all, it's not like I might tell my parents anything that they didn't already know.
Maybe they found a relief in having some outside uninvolved person whom they could tell about all this. At least, I hope that I was able to be that – in the end its not like I was making any special effort beyond just being a normal schoolboy in their vicinity.
And now Mari would join their ranks…
This is how she became the first person to come knocking on the doors of the organization of her own, free will, and the only volunteer who could be considered to have made their choice with fully informed, enthusiastic consent.
She knew exactly what she would be asked to do and what it might end up doing to her body and soul, and she thought, 'yep, worth it'. Mari is truly one of a kind...
For the longest time, I'd also sometimes regarded Asuka as someone who enjoys doing it, but I wasn't entirely fair to her in my bitterness. She might have acted enthusiastic about it at times, obsessed even, but in the end that was probably just another thing that added to her suffering. Having to go through it was probably just as tough on her as it was on me and Rei, only that she was tough on herself on top of that by feeling the need to be the best as it too – she didn't really like piloting, it was only a means to an end… and I wasn't really in the same boat as Rei and Kaworu, either. If I wanted, I suppose I could have left. There were times when I came close to it.
But I didn't, because in the end, I was probably the same as Asuka: I felt convinced that I had to do it. That I couldn't escape. That I mustn't run away….
Oh right, didn't I mention this? I ended up being recruited too, in the end, though that would not be for quite some time. It would have been some coincidence if I ended up the one person on that old photograph who was never drafted, wouldn't it? I didn't end up as I am now because I was zombiefied by the utter boringness of our school curriculum or because I came back to haunt the ruins of this city as a restless spirit – Or maybe I did, but not like people usually imagine it.
From a storytelling perspective it might be anticlimatic to give away the ending, but all of you reading this will know without a doubt how the world ended up, since you live in it every day – I've probably strained your patience enough as it is...
So yeah, maybe Asuka and I ended up forcing ourselves to do it thanks to some obscure masochism of our own. But the sole genuine volunteer was Mari.
For being the designated 'breather episode', this one took longer to come together than I thought and was harder to write than I expected. Still, I'm determined recreate the Death String Quartet at some point… I'm really looking forward to the next one hehehe