Hey sorry about missing last week. I appreciate your comments and continued readership and support!
(The next morning, it was approved that Rachel could participate in the virtual meeting from home. Charlotte was thoroughly warned and threatened before Rachel started the call, and she didn't make a peep. The compromise was that she got to sit in the room with Rachel. At first, Rachel said 'no' because of the content matter, but Charlotte had already seen the photo and nothing they said in the meeting could actually be worse than the image of the dead man himself. Charlotte sat with a coloring book and every time Rachel took notes, or flipped through her portfolio, Charlotte pretended to do the same. Packaging up all of the evidence and intelligence files was going to be a headache of a project, it really seemed like everyone was overreacting about this coronavirus. It's Saturday, 2nd of March and now she and Charlotte are at her therapist's office. Charlotte is supervised by an administrative assistant as she plays with the toys in the children's corner. Rachel now sits with her therapist. She spent only a few seconds complaining about having to hand over another case. Her therapist knew this is always how Rachel started a session. She complains about something minor and then eases herself into the thing that was really bothering her, but quickly discredits her feelings about whatever said topic was. Then they'd spend the rest of the session working through that. They've reached the pause, where Rachel is thinking before broaching her real issue and her therapist waits patiently and expectantly.)
Rachel: I buggered up everything with Robin. So-
Therapist: How? Things were going so well the last time we spoke. (The last session
Rachel spent most of her time talking about how Robin left her in a constant state of nausea because she was always an imbalanced mixture of happy and terrified.)
Rachel: Some girl, I used to know, from school. She told Robin about Sean and how I cheated on him. So, now he doesn't know if he can trust me because he thinks I'm a cheater. I tried to tell him that's not what I'm like. I'm really not the sort of person who doesn't care about how she affects other people. That's why I rang Nick's wife. I never would have carried on with him if I knew he was married. I'm not that sort of person. I cheated but I'm not, that's not, it's not a fair assessment of who I am.
Therapist: I don't think so either.
Rachel: But it's like he said, all the evidence suggests otherwise. So, there's not much I can say. Actions speak louder.
Therapist: Have you told him your side of things with Sean?
Rachel: Yeah, I told him that Sean didn't actually know either of the blokes. And that Kevin, being his best man was just a joke, they weren't really mates.
Therapist: Alright. But Rachel, did you tell him about the abuse?
Rachel: What abuse?
Therapist: Sean's abuse. (Rachel crosses her arms and stares skeptically.) Sean's abuse of you.
Rachel: Sean never abused me.
Therapist: He did.
Rachel: He never!
Therapist: Rachel, we talked about this last time. You're the one who brought it up. You're the one who told me about how he took advantage of you.
Rachel: I didn't. You're twisting things to fit some narrative you've made up.
Therapist: The relationship with Sean was narcissistic abuse. (Rachel begins tapping her foot, annoyed by the suggestion. Her therapist did little to hide her disdain for Sean. Her voice always changed to one of impatience and annoyance when he was mentioned and Rachel always did her best to ignore it. She felt that the therapist couldn't fairly form an opinion on Sean without having met him. She had a soft spot for Sean.)
Rachel: He was persistent and annoying and a bit of a dickhead. But, he never put his hands on me.
Therapist: You know that abuse is not strictly physical.
Rachel: Right.
Therapist: From 14, the first time you had sex, he conditioned you to the point of Stolkhom Syndrome. From what you told me, Sean forced himself on you and dominated you. He forced the marriage, despite the fact that you said, 'no' multiple times. He had booked the venue before even asking you. He even asked Kevin to be his best man before giving you a say. It didn't matter that you said 'no'. He forced his way into your home, taking up your space and freetime even when you said 'no' or told him you weren't in the mood. Before you were even wed, he had moved himself into your flat.
Rachel: It just made sense to do it that way. My place was-
Therapist: And he raped you.
Rachel: What?!
Therapist: I'm assuming more than just the one time you told me about.
Rachel: I never said that! He didn't!
Therapist: You said it, last session. After we talked about re-victimization and feeling marked. Remember when we were talking about the two other men that possibly took advantage of you.
Rachel: Two? How'd you fucking figure that number? It's bollocks.
Therapist: I said possibly.
Rachel: Well it's not bloody possible. So.
Therapist: Total, 4. Spencer, Sean, and the possible two times you mentioned to me that you woke up feeling like you had sex but you were not sure.
Rachel: Those times could have been consensual.
Therapist: They very well could have been. Trust me, I certainly hope so. But the point is you were blacked out and can't remember. So it's also valid to assume they may not have been. Maybe you were semi-conscious and compliant.
Rachel: Stop. You're inventing stuff and I don't like it! (she didn't like that she knew her therapist's suggestion was a plausible scenario. She saw it plenty of times working in Sex Crimes.) And stop maligning Sean!
Therapist: No, Rachel. (calmly and softly) While those two times are only possible, Sean is definite.
Rachel: He never!
Therapist: You told me about it last session. Don't you remember me saying how sorry I am that it happened to you? If I had for a second, thought your romanticism of Sean made you think that was okay then I would've stuck with the topic. I honestly thought it was brave of you to share. And very forthcoming which is why I didn't push you on it.
Rachel: No you are twisting what I said.
Therapist: Ok Rachel, we're going to do an exercise.
Rachel: (sighs) Fine. (she closes her eyes. The exercises always made her feel a little silly and daft that things that should be obvious took her an entire step by step exercise to grasp.)
Therapist: I want you to tell me the Sean story again. This time remove yourself from the story. Instead of you, let's pretend the 15 year old girl is Tasie. (Rachel has a flash of the photo of Elise and frowns at the idea.) You knew her at that age didn't you?
Rachel: Yes.
Therapist: Right so, picture her. Picture her face, her hair, how tall she was back then.
Rachel: Ok. (She pushes Elise out of her mind and pictures Tasie.)
Therapist: Now, remind me again of Tasie's husbands' name.
Rachel: Sam.
Therapist: Right Ok, Sam. Now instead of Sean you're going to picture Sam.
Rachel: (shrugs) Alright fine.
Therapist: Now, I believe you told me, that Tasie showed up at Sam's house unannounced and he had mates over. Is that right?
Rachel: Yes. They were all playing a new football game on a video game system.
Therapist: Why was Tasie there? (Rachel's eyes widen a second, resolving the exercise was going to be harder than she thought. She didn't want to picture Tasie the way she showed up at Sean's.) Rachel, why did Tasie show up at Sam's?
Rachel: This is a stupid exercise.
Therapist: Good. You only ever say that when I'm challenging you. That's when you have the best break-throughs. Now c' mon. Be a sport.
Rachel: (sighs and slumps in posture like a reprimanded school-girl.)Tasie was at Sam's because she was beaten up pretty badly. (Tasie was so loved by both her parents, picturing her with the injuries Rachel had incurred that night from her father, was nearly impossible.)
Therapist: And when Sam opened the door, what did he say?
Rachel: He said he already had the max amount of mates over and his mum would go mental if he let Tasie in. But he let her in anyway.
Therapist. Was he nice to Tasie when he let her in?
Rachel: He didn't have to let her in.
Therapist: What did Sam say to Tasie once he let her in?
Rachel: (sighs again in protest) He, well he could see in the light how messed up she was. So, he told her to have a shower and that she could rest in his bed.
Therapist: Did he say it nicely like that? (Rachel rolls her eyes.) You can do this Rachel.
Rachel: No. Alright? He said "Jesus, you look like shit. Get washed and go in my room. Don't let anyone see ya." Because, like I said, he and his mates were having beers. They were just 16 and he didn't want his mum coming round asking questions.
Therapist: So what did Tasie do?
Rachel: Tasie, took a shower and then got in his bed and went to sleep.
Therapist: Sam meanwhile played videogames and under-age drank with his mates, even though he saw how hurt Tasie was? (Rachel nods, furious at the idea. Sam loves Tasie. He should prioritize her. At the same time Rachel refused to accept any possibility that out of all the men she loved, Sean might not have loved her back. It sounded too much like Karen telling her no one had ever been in love with her.) And tell me what happened next. Why did Tasie wake up?
Rachel: Tasie woke up because Sam was pulling her knickers down.
Therapist: Was he sober?
Rachel: No he smelled of beer.
Therapist: What did Tasie say to him?
Rachel: She said she, uh, Tasie said he was drunk and Sam said 'You're right." And Tasie, she said her back really hurt, from everything, and she didn't want to have sex.
Therapist: Did Sam listen?
Rachel: No. He was basically already inside of her.
Therapist: What did Tasie do then?
Rochel: Well, Sam he said, "C'mon you love me don't you?" And Tasie did love him. So she... (Rachel's eyes water as she realizes the truth of that moment. Her feeling in that moment was the same as when she was under Spencer. She thought to herself, "Just let him. It'll be over soon enough." And if she was honest with herself, that wasn't the only time she thought that to herself with Sean.) She let him. But, that's not, that…(thinks, trying to find any other solution.) She didn't want it but he didn't quite force her. Isn't that more or less reluctant consent?
Therapist: You tell me. In this case, did Tasie answer Sam? Verbally?
Rachel: No.
Therapist: Did Sam, wait for a positive answer before he began having sex with Tasie?
Rachel: No.
Therapist: Now, Rachel, in your expert opinion. Would Tasie have a case to charge Sam with rape?
Rachel: It would be hard to prove, even with seminal fluids. But she could certainly file charges.
Therapist: And in your profession, what would you say to Tasie?
Rachel: I would give her a realistic idea of what a trial might be like if she planned to press charges and I would recommend a counselor. Maybe give her a pamphlet on Domestic Violence, because him assuming her consent before even waking her is... Well it's abusive.
Therapist: Yes. It is.
Rachel: I feel sick. (she wraps an arm around her midsection. The reason she originally shared the Sean story with her therapist was not because she thought it was rape or abuse but because she was trying to emphasize how different it was with Robin wanting to wait to shag. None of her exes ever turned her down. Rachel thought she was simply sharing a story of Sean's desire for her, relating a story about how he couldn't resist her even when she was asleep and looking like a bruised peach. Putting someone else in the situation she could see the sinister implications.)
Therapist: Do you think you can make it to the lavatory? Or do you need the bin? (she reaches for the bin under her desk.)
Rachel: I'll be fine.
Therapist: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yes.
Therapist: Sean was controlling. He was possessive. I'm not rewriting your history. I'm basing these statements on what you told me. Remember you mentioned the time you went out with Janet? You said he called 15 times. You said even when he agreed to give you space, he showed up at your favorite bar with your Mum, he phoned and text repeatedly. You told me that he would check your phone and call registry.
Rachel: Yeah but...
Therapist: And your words were, when I asked you why you eventually married him… Do you remember what you said?
Rachel: He was there for me when I was going through Nick's murder investigation and I was suspended. I felt indebted. He was kind to me. And everyone said he was good for me.
Therapist: But it wasn't because he made you happy.
Rachel: Sometimes he did.
Therapist: More often than not?
Rachel: (shamefully) I was miserable. (Her therapist flips through her file cabinet and then hands Rachel a faded paper copy. Rachel reads in her head.
12 SIGNS YOU'VE EXPERIENCED NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.
They seemed so perfect at first.
People doubt the abuse took place.
They've started a smear campaign.
You feel isolated.
You freeze up, disassociate, and emotionally distance yourself.
Low self-esteem due to gaslighting.
You always feel you've done something wrong.
You have unexplained physical symptoms (ie. nausea, insomnia, fatigue)
You experience suicidal ideation or self harming tendencies.
You self-sabotage.
You experience a pervasive sense of mistrust.
You protect your abuser.)
Therapist: After our last session I printed this out. Do you see anything on that list that you relate to? (Rachel sighs. She hated how her therapist got her to state the obvious.)
Rachel: Of course I do. All of it, apart from the suicide bit.
Therapist: What happened to your finger?
Rachel: Accident.
Therapist: Another one? Remember what we talked about? When your feelings get to be too much. Do you remember the other relaxation methods I recommended?
Rachel: Of course I do. (She shifts in her seat, agitated, partly because she's lying and partly because she hated when her therapist spoke to her like a person on the edge. It made her feel legitimately crazy.) This were an accident. I swear.
Therapist: Ok. (They stare at each other and Rachel can tell the therapist doubts her.) I'm sorry that is a lot for you to take in, in one session. I honestly thought we had come to an understanding of Sean before this. (She watches as Rachel pushes her knees together and bounces her leg. The therapist can tell that she's emotionally closing herself up.) Rachel, please don't be upset with yourself. I know you get frustrated sometimes when you don't get things straight away but remember Sean got in your head very early on. He was a constant. An escape from everything you put up with at home. It is understandable why you have a soft spot for him. (Rachel plays with her plaster. The therapist can tell she's trying not to get emotional.) Now, do you think if Robin knew the full story of your relationship with Sean, might he not have some counter evidence to go off?
Rachel: I can't tell him any of that.
Therapist: Why?
Rachel: He'll think I'm a right sad sap charity case. First the Spencer thing. Now this? Who'd want to put up with all that baggage?
Therapist: Do you like him enough to give him the chance to decide that for himself? (Rachel remembers Robin saying something very similar.)
Rachel: (shrugs) I dunno. Maybe.
(After her appointment, Rachel takes Charlotte to the park. It Is a high of 45F and the park is mostly empty. She chases her daughter around and pushes her on the swing and vicariously lives every second of her joy. She wasn't able to protect Jenna Mawson. Janet clearly wasn't able to protect Elise. No one ever bothered protecting her. So what made her think she could do this? Rachel had to keep telling herself to push those thoughts aside and just enjoy the moment. Her therapist appointment, if she didn't have Charlotte with her, would have sent her spiraling. Her previous therapist Karen, although manipulative and unprofessional may have told her some truth, if only once. She told Rachel no one had ever been in love with her. Of all the men she fell for, she had been convinced Sean loved her. All those nights sneaking her in his home? Cuddling her when she cried. Everything her current therapist said about Sean rang true. Can you love someone and abuse them? Her parents didn't but Sean may have in some twisted toxic way.
She text Robin and asked him to meet her. She didn't know what she was going to say to him just yet. She wasn't going to spin him a sob story. When you cut to the facts she cheated. But she was hoping she might do a better job of explaining why he should ignore his perfectly reliable instincts.
When Robin arrives he watches for a few seconds from the carpark. He couldn't take his eyes off Rachel. Her smile as she pushed Charlotte on the swing, lit her entire body. It was as if a beam of light was sparking in the playground. She must not know how powerful her energy was when she smiled, otherwise she would surely do it more often. He was hoping she could give him a good and honest account of her marriage, because if he was ruled solely by his feelings, everything said she was worth the risk. The objector was his mind and right now it was screaming at him.)
Robin: Hiya. (He says as he nears them. Both Rachel and Charlotte's dimpled smiles turn to him.)
Charlotte: Robin! (she jumps off the swing and Robin springs to action ready to catch her but she lands just fine.)
Robin: (to Rachel, who chuckles at his nervousness) Very agile for her age.
Rachel: She's tough. (She watches Charlotte run to hug him. He hugs her back and Rachel feels guilt. Janet once said to her "You bring them into the world and that's the deal, a mum and a dad." Rachel never gave Charlotte the chance. Hopefully Charlotte would learn to love some other way. Since Rachel clearly couldn't figure it out.)
Charlotte: Watch me! I'm going on the slide.
Robin: We'll watch from here. (He points to a bench.)
Rachel: Robin and I have to have a grown-up chat.
Charlotte: Ok but you can still clap when I do tricks?
Rachel: Well, yeah. Of course. What could be more important? (Charlotte ignores the obvious sarcasm in her mother's tone and runs to the playground equipment. As if her happiness synced directly to her proximity to Charlotte, Rachel's smile faded. She dropped her head, sneaking a glance at Robin and then followed him over to the bench. They sit quietly not speaking, Rachel averting eye contact and keeping her eyes on Charlotte.)
Robin: For the record, I did initially propose waiting to talk about Sean, when you weren't just recovering from a panic attack.
Rachel: (nods. They both clap for Charlotte.) Alright. You did.
Robins. So. (He tries eye contact but fails.) What do you have to say for yourself?
Rachel: (sighs and again they both clap to appease the toddler.) Facts are facts, aren't they? So, yeah, I cheated on my ex-husband. Twice. That's the truth of the matter. And that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? Whether you can trust me despite knowing that. I could tell you lots of things, but I'm not going to make excuses for myself and spin you a sob story because I don't need your pity. What I did was wrong. I know that. I knew it when I did it and I still did it.
Robin: So why did you call me here, if you don't even want to try?
Rachel: I do want to try. Nothing has changed on my end.
Robin: No, I mean, try to explain yourself.
Rachel: What do you want me to say? What could I possibly say that would make what I did any better? (Robin sighs and is about to speak when Charlotte runs over to them.)
Charlotte: Did you lot see that one, or what?
Rachel: We did, love. Can you bugger off to the slide, please?
Charlotte: (points) You need to clap.
Rachel: Fine. Go on then. (Charlotte goes back over to the slide.)
Robin: Right, so, you'd never murder anyone, would ya? (Rachel squints at the absurdity.)
Rachel: Of course not.
Robin: But, in all your years of service, you've met a murderer or two that you understood, even sympathized with. Haven't ya?
Rachel: (claps abruptly and Robin joins late but it still makes Charlotte happy to continue her pretend routine.) More than two.
Robin: And it's because you were given a motive. You learned more about the inciting incident. You learned what provoked or triggered them.
Rachel: Right.
Robin: So, if you're not a cheater, just like the hundreds of murders we have behind bars that wouldn't hurt a fly, what was the reason? What made you do it?
Rachel: (sighs and closes her eyes. She really didn't want to go into it. She was still processing everything she went over with her therapist and she wasn't sure she was ready to admit to herself that she was in an abusive marriage.) I'm not going to go too into detail, because, well, if this turns out to not (shrugs) be a thing, you and I. I'd rather not hear any of it repeated in the corridors or whispered behind me back.
Robin: I think I've proven to you, that I'm not the sort to tolerate gossip.
Rachel: You never know how you might feel when a relationship is over.
Robin: I promise I won't seek any sort of revenge and speak about your marriage to anyone else.
Rachel: (looks him over and shrugs, she trusted him for the moment.) So, I learned a new term today.
Robin: Have you?
Rachel: Have you ever heard of "Trauma Bonding"?
Robin: I have actually. It's sort of the new term, being thrown about in the psyche community. We deal with it, a lot with our domestic violence cases, where the survivor doesn't want to file a complaint. (Rachel takes a folded piece of paper from her leather jacket and hands it to him. He unfolds it and sees a printed definition of Trauma Bonding. Reads aloud.) Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change. The punishments and rewards may consist of but are not limited to -the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology. (Robin looks over the paper and remembers the moment in his office when she wanted to shag and felt she was owed it for having been helpful. He remembers thinking to himself, that Spencer was not the first man to hurt Rachel, maybe this is what she's confirming.) So, what exactly are you trying to say? (He holds the paper out to her and she takes it back, folding it sliding it into her pocket again.)
Rachel: I dunno. I was, I was unhappy. Even though everyone told me I should be happy, it just wasn't, right. I can't explain it. I don't know why. I just, I felt trapped. I felt desperate.
Robin: So, why didn't you ask for a divorce?
Rachel: I tried. But he kept saying it was all in my head and after awhile, I did, I started to feel mad. I could barely understand what I was running from. I tried to tell him, I wanted to be alone but he refused to listen. That's when I slept with Kevin.
Robin: You slept with the other bloke before asking for a divorce?
Rachel: Yes. I- (pushes loose strands of her hair behind her ears) It was like, I never wanted to hurt Sean. I just, I was feeling desperate and I needed to get out and I felt like I was being smothered so, it was like, I dunno, like I was taking something back, for myself. If that makes any sense. (She shrugs) Oh, I dunno. (Suddenly shouts) Charlotte! What did Mummy say about the monkey bars?
Charlotte: (shouts back) But I reckon I'm strong enough.
Rachel: Get away from there, now!
Charlotte: But-
Rachel: No but! If I have to get up and get you, we are going home! (Charlotte stamps her feet and then goes to the top of the slide and sits with her arms crossed.)
Charlotte: I'm not going to have FUN!
Rachel: That's fine, just don't have fun there, where you're safe. (Robin lets out a little laugh. She looks at him.) Sorry.
Robin: It's alright. (He looks her over, her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket, tiny wisps of her hair blow gently about her head, and her dark eyes show that sadness he remembers detecting. He sensed it almost from the start.) So, d'you reckon you had that type of bond with Sean?
Rachel: It's, well, it's what my therapist says. I dunno. I just knew it was wrong and I couldn't properly explain to anyone why. (She suddenly makes a link in her mind. As a child, she often knew she was going to be punished, and so if there was something she wanted to do, she'd do it, because at least then the punishment felt justified. She felt she rightly earned it. Essentially, she realizes now, that's what she did with Sean. She needed him to leave her, something was wrong and she couldn't pinpoint it, so she created something concrete.) I wanted him to leave me. And, if he weren't going to listen to what I was saying, then, well, it's like you said innit? Actions speak louder.
Robin: (nods) Right.
Rachel: But that's all I've got for you. Take it or leave it. I can't change it. I did it, but it's not who I am. So, (he watches her kick her trainers) you either believe that or not. (They sit in silence again for awhile both watching Charlotte who has since forgotten her tantrum and now taken interest in a little girl who is attempting to see-saw alone.)
Robin: Thank you for sharing that with me.
Rachel: Whatever.
Robin: It would be pretty shitty of me, wouldn't it? To break up with you the day before your birthday?
Rachel: (laughs, still not looking at him) I can assure you, I've had shittier birthdays.
Robin: (sighs, he can tell this is true and it makes him sad.) Well, I think that's everything I needed to hear.
Rachel: Right. (She finally looks to him, challengingly) So go on then. Are you breaking up with me or not? Or what?
Robin: I reckon it's worth a shot.
Rachel: Fine. (After a few seconds) Wait, what? What is?
Robin: This. (gently touches her knee) Us. You and me. I reckon, it's worth a shot.
Rachel: (squints) Oh. (He watches her body completely transform as if a heaviness were lifted off and she went back to the light beam he first encountered in the car park.) I thought you meant- (laughs at herself) Are you sure?
Robin: (smiles) I'm sure. I really really like you Rachel Bailey. (Her smile widens and she surprises him with a kiss. He laughs.) Not in front of the kids. (She laughs.)
Rachel: (She nods to herself and grips his knee briefly but firmly) Thank you. For letting me, blather on. And for, for listening. (As a child, she was often punished before she could explain herself, or before she was given an explanation. So, this makes a very nice change.) Really. Cheers.
Robin: Here's my one stipulation though.
Rachel: Right?
Robin: If you ever start to feel those ways with me, desperate, trapped, smothered...anything of the like, you speak up. You say something to me. Alright? Because If I'm making you feel like that, something's wrong. And hopefully, we can work on it. Without the drama of having sex with someone else.
Rachel: I reckon I can do that.
Robin: Good. (He takes her hand and they share a smile. Rachel fights her smile, although she had already betrayed how pleased she was he was going to stick around. There was no playing it cool now, but still stubbornly she was going to try. She turns her face away from him and he keeps hold of her hand as they return to their own thoughts.)