Chapter Ten
Heartbreaker

The thrilling high of leech killing carried me all the way to Friday. But I still wished I could tell Beau and Quil the truth. I needed to. But Samantha still said no, and that was the alpha no. It was as commanding and forceful as a leader could get, and she had enforced it on all of us. We couldn't tell humans.

On Wednesday, my high only got higher when Samantha revealed that Elliot had proposed to her the previous night. It hadn't been a big plan, he just asked her with no extra fanfare. We all decided to not patrol that day and start fangirling about their wedding. Well, Janie fangirled while the rest of us just cringed at the plans she already started making.

But on Friday, my super high plummeted into despair.

That afternoon, after school, Ember and I decided to patrol as humans. We both knew we needed to get away from the hive-mind, and the only way to do that was to stay human.

We walked through the forest silently, just reveling in each other's presence. I fidgeted with the slick material of my leggings, staring at a single dirt smudge on the sleeve of my white t-shirt.

Ember reached out and took my hand, and I complied, squeezing hers tightly. She leaned into my side, laying her head against my shoulder for a short moment.

"Ember? Jules?" a voice called out from behind us.

Our heads snapped around to see Quil, holding a gym bag—it was Friday, she had a boxing match—and staring at us incredulously.

I glanced at Ember quickly, then we dashed into the underbrush, running further into the forest. We couldn't talk to her. It was dangerous for us to even see her.

"Hey!" we heard Quil shout. "Wait up!" Quil had much shorter legs than either of us and we had heightened speed, so we were able to stay farther ahead than she could see.

Eventually, we stopped running and dove behind a large evergreen and some bushes to stay hidden. We needed to get out without her seeing us, but she was coming up quick.

Quil stopped and shouted, "Why are you running?" She choked, her voice losing sound as she said, "It's just me."

Tears started to slip down Ember's cheeks, tracking in the dirt that had been smudged on her face and marred her white blouse. I slipped my arm around her waist, holding her close to me as streaks were made down my own cheeks.

Quil had looked thinner, unhealthy, and sallow. She prided herself on many things, and her health was one of them. She wasn't healthy now.

I glanced back at her through a small opening in the leaves of the bush next to me. Quil had collapsed to her knees, sobs choking from her chest as she stared in front of her. She had forgotten her bag somewhere along the path; I would have to retrieve it and drop it off at her house anonymously sometime later.

"Please," she slammed through clenched teeth, tears flowing heavily. "Please come back to me." Quil glanced over in my direction, probably hearing the squirrel rustling in the tree above us. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of my staring, and I dove back, out of view. She couldn't see me. "Jules!" she yelled, her voice snapping and cracking in different places with emotion. She took a deep breath, wiping her tears and smearing her makeup onto the back of her hand. Into the forest, she proclaimed, "Jules, I didn't know how much I needed to have Ember and you in my life until you were gone. Whatever this is, I can help you. If this is…drugs or something, then I can help you. Please, just let me into your life. I miss you, Jules. You're my best friend, and I…I love you."

I love you, too, I wanted to yell back. I wanted to run over to her and hug her tightly and tell her everything that had happened and let her in. I wanted it more than anything in the universe.

But I couldn't, so I Ember and I just held each other tightly while we listened to Quil's sobbing and sniffling while we did the same.

I could almost feel my heart crack.

We waited until Quil left the forest, then Ember and I stumbled back to Samantha and Elliot's house, needing to clean off the dirt and grime from being on the forest floor for almost an hour.

When we entered, only Elliot was home. "What's wrong?" he asked us, closing his laptop and standing up from the couch.

"Nothing," Ember whispered.

She and I headed to the bathroom, where we all kept extra changes of clothes, just in case. We changed quickly—I into a pair of dark wash jeans and grey flannel, Ember into a black t-shirt and pleated floral skirt—and headed back out.

Samantha had arrived by then, and Elliot had a teapot boiling water on the stove. They were locked in a quiet conversation and we did our best to not interrupt as we collapsed on the couch, refusing to let go of each other.

"Oh," Samantha said once she realized we were here. "I didn't realize you girls had stopped by."

"They just got here a few minutes ago," Elliot responded, turning the stove burner off as the pot whistled.

Samantha crossed her arms lightly, still being extra careful around her new engagement ring. "I thought you were patrolling today."

"We were," I told her, "but we had to stop."

"We ran into Quil," Ember added.

Samantha walked toward us slowly, the heels of her boots clicking on the kitchen linoleum. "Are you okay?" she asked delicately.

"I guess so," I said.

Elliot handed Ember and I steaming cups of tea, and for the next half hour, we sipped at them quietly while Samantha and Elliot poured over news articles, looking for new evidence of the second bloodsucker we had seen—the redhead, we called him.

Paula and Janie showed up around an hour later, returning from their separate patrols and arguing about who the hottest guy was in some superhero show they both watched. Samantha shushed them, and they fell quiet immediately.

My phone buzzed from where I had set it on the coffee table when I'd left this morning. I picked it up, seeing a text from my mom reading: Come home soon? I miss you.

I tapped in my reply: I'll be right there.

"Bonnie wants me to come home," I said to the group.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Samantha whispered. We didn't stay apart for long; always at one person's house or another.

I nodded sharply. I needed them now more than ever.

We all walked in silence; choosing not to drive because there was something wrong with Samantha's car. I had told her I would take a look at it, but that had been a whim.

As we reached my house, I noticed that a familiar rusty Chevy truck sat in front. Beau was here. Did he come here often? Was that why my mom ask me to come home?

My emotional low reaching a new, furious high, I stormed over to the truck and knocked on the driver's window. Beau sat inside, doodling diamonds on a scrap of paper. He rolled the window down when he heard my knocking.

"What are you doing here, Beau?" I growled.

He just stared at me, and I realized that it was probably like my reaction to when I'd first seen Ember after her phase. How she'd looked much older, grimmer. And I'd cut my hair.

"Jules?" he whispered incredulously.

"What do you want?" I demanded. What was he doing here? Did he want to get hurt? Was this another one of his stupid, adrenaline-fueled, masochistic hobbies? To confront a literal werewolf on her own soil?

"I want to talk to you."

"Go ahead," I hissed.

"Alone!" he hissed back.

I glanced back at Samantha. Could I be alone with him and have a normal, civil conversation without hurting him?

She nodded once and led the others into my house. We'll be right here if you need us, she seemed to say.

I took a deep breath. She thinks I can do it, so I will. She believes in me. "Okay," I said, my fury slowly fading.

"You know what I want to know," Beau said to me.

I didn't answer. I didn't want to accidentally tell him the answer to the wrong question and screw up.

"Can we walk?" he asked after a moment. He got out of the truck and started walking into the forest, stopping just at the edge. I followed him, padding silently next to the loud squishing of mud under his black Converse. We faced each other.

"Let's get this over with."

He waited, staring at me an intense question bubbling in his eyes.

"It's not what you think," I blurted. "It's not what I thought—I was way off." We weren't a cult—we were a family. A group of sisters.

"So what is it, then?"

I wanted to tell him. I wanted to blab about everything. But I had a duty, a responsibility to uphold. "I can't tell you," I said.

The muscles in Beau's jaw tightened. "I thought we were friends."

"We were."

"But you don't need friends anymore," he spat. "You have Samantha. Isn't that nice—you've always looked up to her so much."

"I didn't understand before."

"And now you've seen the light. Hallelujah." Those were my words from when Ember had phased. Seen the light.

"It wasn't like I thought it was. This isn't Samantha's fault." It was mine, if anything. "She's helping me as much as she can."

"She's helping you," he repeated. "Naturally."

My hands started shaking, and the heat in my neck rose violently. No. No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't do this. I couldn't phase right here, right now. I took deep breaths, trying to qualm my anger.

"Julie, please," he whispered. "Won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help."

"No one can help me now." My voice cracked.

"What did she do to you?" Beau demanded, tears welling at his eyes. He reached out to me, stepping forward slightly.

I cringed back, holding my hands up. I couldn't let him touch me. It would just make it worse. "Don't touch me."

"Is Samantha watching?" The tears escaped from the corners of his eyes, and he wiped them away quickly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Stop blaming Samantha," I blurted reflexively. I reached up to twist my hair into a bun, then realized that I couldn't anymore and let my hands fall to my sides.

"Then who should I blame?"

Edythe. The rest of the Cullens. Any and every goddamn bloodsucker in the entire world. "You don't want to hear that."

Beau snapped, "The hell I don't! I want to know, and I want to know now."

"You're wrong," I snapped back.

"Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong—I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me know whose fault this all is, if it's not your precious Samantha!" he yelled.

I clenched my teeth. I didn't want to do this to him, but I had to. It was the only way he'd learn a lesson.

"You asked for it," I growled. "If you want to blame someone, why don't you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers you love so much?" It was their fault I was like this. Their fault my life was ruined, why I was a monster.

Beau's mouth fell open, and he cringed.

"I told you that you didn't want to hear it," I sneered.

"I don't understand what you mean," he whispered.

"I think you understand exactly who I mean. You're not going to make me say it, are you? I don't like hurting you."

"I don't know who you mean," he repeated.

"The Cullens," I spat. His eyes tightened sharply, his jaw clenched. "I saw that—I can see it in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name."

Beau shook his head back and forth. "Don't tell me you're listening to Bonnie's superstitious nonsense."

"She knows more than I gave her credit for."

"Be serious, Julie."

I glared at him. He was not going to disrespect my land, my people, by calling our legends nonsense.

"Superstitions aside," he said quickly. "I still don't see what you're accusing the…Cullens of. They left more than half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Samantha is doing now?"

"Samantha isn't doing anything, Beau. And I know they're gone. But sometimes…things are set in motion, and then it's too late." Too late for me to be a normal teenager. Too late for Beau and I. Too late, too late, too late.

"What's set in motion? What's too late? What are you blaming them for?" he asked.

I took a step toward him; as close as I was able to get. "For existing," I growled.

"You're being ridiculous."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my reflexes. "Fine. I won't argue it with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done."

"What damage?" Beau shouted at me.

I didn't flinch. "Let's head back," I said casually. "There's nothing more to say."

"There's everything more to say! You haven't said anything yet!"

I walked past him, back toward my house.

He didn't follow, and instead yelled, "I ran into Quil today."

I paused. He saw Quil? I wanted to ask him how she was. How much had I hurt her? Was she still crying?

"You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, she's terrified."

Terrified? Of what? Me? Ember? Of…both of us?

I whirled around and whispered, "Quil" to myself. I knew I'd hurt her. But she'd get over it, just like Beau would.

"She's worried about you, too. She's freaked out. She's frightened that she's next."

No. No, she can't. She won't!

I grabbed at the tree next to me, leaning on it with most of my weight. "She won't be next," I whispered to myself. "She can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still be happening. Why? Why?" Methodically, I hit my fist against the trunk of the tree, trying to goad my brain into working. Instead, the trunk snapped and the small tree fell to the ground with a deafening crash. I stared at the broken tree, seeing what my strength could do. What I could do to a human.

Samantha was right, and I needed the pack's support more than ever right now. "I have to get back," I muttered, jogging back to my house.

"Back to Samantha!" Beau shouted, running after me.

"That's one way of looking at it," I said quietly.

"Wait!" He was almost catching up to me, but I wasn't using my full speed.

I spun to face him, feeling my hands vibrate and muscles clench down. "Go home, Beau. I can't hang out with you anymore."

"What, are you…breaking up with me?"

Impossible. I wouldn't do that in a million years. But we weren't breaking up, I was just saying goodbye. I was as bad as Edythe.

"Hardly," I barked. "If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's stay friends.' I can't even say that."

"Julie…why? Samantha won't let you have other friends? Please, Jules. You promised. I need you!" he choked.

I know, I wanted to shout. I know you need me because I need you, too!

But I couldn't say that even if I wanted to.

"I'm sorry, Beau," I said instead. He would never know how true those words were. How desperately I wanted to tell him the truth.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't…before…I wish I could change how I feel about you, Julie. Maybe…maybe I would change. Maybe, if you gave me some time…just don't quit on me now, Jules. I can't take it."

He was willing to wait for me. Willing to give me the space he thought I needed. But I couldn't be alone with him right now unless I wanted to do something I regretted. I needed to deliver the final blow.

"No," I agonized. "Don't think like that, Beau, please. Don't blame yourself, don't think this is your fault. This one is all me. I swear, it's not about you."

"It's not me, it's you. There's a new one," he whispered.

"I mean it, Beau. I'm not…I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I'm not what I was before. I'm not good."

"What?" Beau sputtered. "What are you saying? You're much better than I am, Jules. You are good! Who told you that you aren't? Samantha? It's a vicious lie, Julie! Don't let her tell you that!"

"No one had to tell me anything. I know what I am." I started to back away from him, feeling rain beginning to fall from the sky and onto us.

"You're my friend, that's what you are! Jules—don't!"

"I'm sorry, Beau," I mumbled. He'd never know the extent of it.

I stormed inside, warm tears beginning to slip down my face and water droplets dropping from my soaking wet hair.

Janie stepped forward. "Jules, are you o—"

"Don't talk to me," I seethed, walking over to the couch and laying down.

Ember sat down on the other end, and I put my head on her lap, letting her stroke my hair as I sobbed. My throat felt too tight and as if it was coated in sand paper. "I can't take this," I whispered as someone placed a quilt over me. Probably my mom.

I distantly heard a phone ring, and my mom have a short conversation before wheeling herself out of the house and telling something to Beau. It must have been Charlie.

Samantha crouched down in front of me and stroked a tear away from my cheek. "I'm sorry you had to do that, Jules," she said carefully. "I know how painful it can be."

"No, you don't. None of you do."

"Actually," she whispered. "I do. The others have heard this story, and are probably annoyed every time I think about it." Samantha sat down on the carpet, settling in for a long story. "When I first phased," she began, "I had a boyfriend."

"Elliot," I muttered.

"Not Elliot. Leo."

"Clearwater?"

"Yeah. Leo Clearwater."

Samantha continued with her story, telling me how she had tried to make it work between her and Leo, but couldn't. There were too many secrets between them, and they drifted apart. She told me how painful it was to say goodbye to him, how Elliot was the only one who seemed to care about her. How much it hurt her when she hurt him. And how it all seemed to work out in the end.

"Just like it will for you and Beau," Samantha finished. "You're going to be okay, Julie." She patted my knee softly and stood up.

There was only one way for it to be all right with Beau. The only reason Samantha's story ended well was because Elliot knew her secret. There was nothing between them; their love crossed species.

If Elliot and Samantha could work out, would Beau and me?

Could I tell him?

A/N: *sob*

I was feeling very...emotional the day I wrote this. Can you tell?

Next chapter titled: "All Choked Up and Nowhere to Go"