Chapter 10

"Not just beautiful, though-the stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they're watching me."
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

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November 19th, 2021

Dear Dean:

Today is a rough day. A little crappier than usual, per say.

I dreaded this damn date for as long as I could, but I cannot avoid it any longer.

One year ago, your head felt heavy, and with a breathless goodbye, the weight of your body fell onto my shoulder and never left me. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe, if I hadn't said those words, you would have still been here with me?

It hurt to lose Jess, mom, Bobby and dad. I won't deny that. You are a completely different story, though.

I can still hear you calling me 'Sammy', just to piss me off, back in the good old days when we were looking for dad. Man, everything used to be so simple. It was always us. No one else. I don't need anybody else, but at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

I need you. There is this empty space within my chest that cannot be filled, and it is consuming me alive. I don't wanna feel anything. Specially today.

I'm too tired. I'm too numb. It feels like the day I lost you. A scar that no matter how much time passes, it doesn't heal. It keeps bleeding. It keeps hurting.

It seems nothing's changed or is ever gonna change.

I've been through a lot since you've been gone. A lot has happened.

You already know it from the previous letters. My arm is finally free from the sling, and I can now breathe properly with my healed ribs. When I was a kid, I was afraid of pain. I remember being five or six years old, when I fell from that tree I was climbing in the park. Dad was not in town and you were looking after me, so you decided to show me the real world for a couple hours before dinner. For me, the word home had always consisted in four old walls of a cheap motel.

You always showed me that there were good things out there. There was life, and giggles. You taught me how to breathe fresh air and be grateful for every second of my beating heart, even after you passed. It's crazy to think you're still teaching me things, when I cannot see your face.

When I fell to the ground, one my knees was hurting, so you carried me on your back towards to the motel, and put ice on it. I remember you told me everything would be okay. A couple hours later, I was running and jumping from bed to bed. Do you remember what you said? I sure remember them.

You said, "I told you you were gonna be okay, Sammy. The ice and the magic words worked. I'm the big brother here, and I'm always right!"

You were right most of the time, I must admit.

I believed in your magic words that made the hurt go away, and when we grew up, I believed in more than that. I believed in you. In your soul. I could never tell you how grateful I am for having a big brother like you in my life.

Those words were not spells. Those were words spoken out of love and patience. Something a parent would have told to his crying child.

You were the one that helped me see what was real and what was not.

Baby is back with me, by the way, and I'm taking care of her. I am cleaning the backseat in daily bases again, since it is filled with Miracle's hair. The older version of you would not mind about it, yet, I know you always loved Baby to be clean.

Tonight, I am going to do what we loved to do the most. Remember all those times we got lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere, but instead of trying to find our way to the next hunt, we would look at the stars?

Even when our relationship was a little shaky, you would still stop the car when it got dark, and with a burger and soda in your hands, you would sit in the hood of the Impala, silently inviting me to join you.

There was something special that I always loved about Stargazing.

I will never know what you were thinking about when your eyes got lost into the darkness, but I guess we both thought about the same things sometimes. We thought about mom, dad, and Bobby. About the life we had and the one we could have had as long as we had each other.

Before we found the Bunker, our nights were filled with stars. I would like you to bring your ass down here with me for a minute, and watch them shine in the dark sky. You are one of them.

It still feels unreal to think that now, you will be one of those people I will think about tonight when I sit alone, away from everything I am used to these days. I will look at the brightest star heading North and drink a cold beer, as we always did. Actually, I prefer this over that house I rent. Living in the Impala seems like a good option some days

When we talked about living a normal life once we defeated Chuck, you always said you wanted me to have a family and a house right next to yours, just in case I needed you to change my child's diaper.

You were such a Jerk.

God, I miss you so much.

Even if it is selfish, a part of me still wants to find a way to bring you back. I won't do it, but what if my knee hurts, and there's no one to tell me the magic words to make the hurting go away?

What if I am alone, forever stuck and unable to move on, mainly because I am afraid to forget the sound of your voice or the smell of beer in my clothes whenever you ironed my shirts?

Everything is going so well, yet so wrong.

Hope you are still looking after me. I am still your pain in the ass little brother, after all.

Sammy.

Author's Note: Hey guys! Here's another chapter. I think I will be able to write one more before New Year's Eve. I am going to spend the night at my sister's place with my mom. The thought of celebrating this coming year alone without my dad is not a good option.

Anyways, I wanna mention that Sam is still trying to figure out things with Genevieve, but he doesn't mention it in this letter. He's still struggling to understand himself. Aren't we all going through the same process? 2020 sucks.

Baby is fine now, and Miracle is happy! I'm dreading the day Sam has to say goodbye to him. It will hurt.

If you have a minute, please, leave a review or suggestion. I always love to hear from you guys. Love you.

See ya soon! Happy holidays!

KW