FJ Chapter 22 "In Sickness and in Hell"

It hurt. Rachel's throat hurt so badly that it had woken her up from a deep sleep. She forced her eyes open and let them track to the bedroom window. The horizon had lost its inky black hue and cast a thin line of gray across the sky; speckles of orange and yellow were trying to peek through the window. She could no longer see stars, telling her it must have been morning, but not late enough for her mommy to be awake. A tickle in the back of her nose caused her to sneeze painfully, and she tried to cover it with her elbow but it hit her faster than she was able to do so. Her throat stung at the sharp, sudden jolt to her body and the pain brought tears to her eyes. She knew this feeling well, but usually the sickness just went away after a while. This one seemed to be getting worse after only a couple of days.

She knew that she probably had to tell her mommy what was going on so she could try to make it better, but the idea of waking mommy up this early made her tummy feel uneasy. Besides, she really didn't want her moms to take her to her Auntie April's clinic so soon after having to get those shots. The last person she wanted to see right now was her Auntie April.

She bit at her lip nervously as she thought about what to do. Reverend never did anything when her throat hurt or when she felt sick, because he didn't believe that her sickness was real. Most of the time, he either chalked it up to her trying to get out of church service or get out of doing one of her other responsibilities around the house. He never believed her when she said she didn't feel well, and even when it was clear that she was telling the truth, he didn't believe in the medicine it would take to fix it.

As hard as she tried not to think about The Rules the Reverend used to enforce, it was hard for her not to. Her throat hurting brought her back to the nights that she would have to self-soothe, drinking as much water as she could because it made her throat feel better, but then having to sneak to the bathroom in the middle of the night because of it. One of the rules was to never leave her bedroom unless specifically instructed not to.

The Reverend also had sickness rules. The Reverend told everybody at church that doctors were the devil and that God was the great healer. The Reverend told her that God didn't heal a Bastard child like her, and that she was touched by the devil because she got sick so often.

Rule Number One. Rachel needed to leave the floor that everybody else was on. She was unclean, and might infect the others if she spent too much time around them.

The floor was cold on her bare feet, and she could already feel goosebumps forming on her bare arms and she crossed them over her chest with a small shiver. Her nightgown wasn't helping her temperature, she knew, and noted that the first thing she needed to do was find some warm clothes. She found her dark black leggings and fuzzy cat socks in the dresser next to her bedroom window. She had gotten the fuzzy socks from Steffi for Christmas, and they were one of her favorite comfort items. Moving to her closet, she stood on her tiptoes and dug out her sweatshirt with the rainbows and unicorns on it and pulled it over her head. It was a size too big, but that was how Rachel liked it because it gave her room and felt cozy.

The extra clothes had helped, but since Rachel was still cold, she wrapped her fuzzy star blanket around her shoulders before sneaking out of her room and stealthily creeping down the stairs.

Rule Number Two, Rachel thought as she entered the kitchen. Don't touch anything and stay in your room. She knew she was already breaking part of that, but her plan was to make it to the attic, which was also technically her room.

She scanned the kitchen with her eyes. It was still dark, but she knew that soon her mommies and aunts would fill the space for morning coffee, so she had to get out of there quickly. Rachel didn't want to eat anything anyway. She didn't want to swallow food, since swallowing in general felt like glass was scraping the walls of her throat. She was careful not to touch anything, too-not even the railing on the steps of the attic. Anything she touched would instantly become unclean.

By the time she got up the stairs, she was already out of breath. A fine sheen of perspiration glistened on her forehead. This really sucked. It was happening again. Rachel had hoped they had all gone away now that she was living with her mothers and not with him. She hadn't felt this gross since the before the leaves changed color on the trees outside.

Am I sick again because I have been bad? Rachel asked herself as she gently lowered herself to the floor in the furthest corner of the room. The nine-year-old's mind quickly went to Cadence. She knew she had not been the most welcoming to her, and her jealousy had controlled her reactions a lot of the time. Cadence was just a baby, after all, and none of what had happened was her fault.

Tears welled up in Rachel's eyes and started to fall down her cheeks. She had to hold her breath so she wouldn't sob out loud. This is all my fault. I've been touched by a demon spirit because I've been sinful to Cady. There were only two things on the little girl's mind: how she could repent so this punishment would lift from her, and how she could keep her family away from her so they didn't get sick and unclean, too.

It was all just too much for the nine-year-old to think about, so she started distracting herself by looking around the attic at the excess space. Shelby and Cassandra had done a really good job of cleaning the attic up and getting all of those boxes out, and Rachel envisioned all of the possibilities of what the room could look like now that they were making it hers. She wondered if they would install an indoor swing for her in her new attic playroom, like she had seen in the design magazine that she and her Mama had been looking through.

Rachel noticed that there were a couple boxes left over from the day before. Curious, she walked over to them and looked at their labels. One was marked "New York 2009" and her little heart fluttered with excitement at the thought of the city. Wondering if it was her Mommy's, Rachel attempted to move the box, but it wouldn't budge. It was made of thick cardboard, but had a separate lid that was easy enough to lift off. It looked like one of those boxes that sat in the mansion's main office, where Mama kept the printer paper.

Her eyes widened as dawn's light cast a glow through the window, showing that the box was full of both loose pictures and photo lifting the one of the top, Rachel opened it to see her Mommy and Auntie Dee Dee standing at the Statue of Liberty. Her Mommy was much younger than Rachel had ever seen her, probably seventeen, and her hair fell in chocolate curls down to her shoulders. Looking the same was Dee, with a bright smile on her face, glistening green eyes, and loving arms wrapped around her niece.

All further thoughts of the Reverend's Rules were forgotten as Rachel studied the photo albums to pass the time, a soft smile spreading across her little face and a careful hand turning the pages of her mother's past.

. . .

Shelby woke with the sunrise, her body already back on the schedule she had been preparing herself to follow through once classes were back in session. She looked over at her wife, peaceful only in her sleep recently, and decided to let her rest a little while longer. There was no point bothering her this early if Cadence wasn't awake, and Shelby wanted to check on Rachel before starting any kind of breakfast anyways. She knew her daughter hadn't been feeling well, and wanted to keep an eye on that summer cold they assumed she had. When she didn't find Rachel in her bedroom, she furrowed her brow.

They had a household agreement that if Rachel woke up before them, she would pop her head into the bedroom and at least let her mothers know which room she would be in. Rachel was old enough to be awake on her own for a little while, but the house was huge and Shelby liked knowing where to be able to find her. She tried to think back to if Rachel had in fact woken her up earlier to tell her and she was just too tired to remember, but was drawing a blank.

She didn't panic right away like she might have a few months previous. Instead, she made her way to the room that Rachel found the most comfort in, the attic. It was unfinished since they had just started cleaning it out. It was far from furnished and comfortable, but it was admittedly a step up so far compared to what Rachel had been used to up there. Still, if Rachel was sick, she didn't need to be exposed to the dust and grime that they had yet to finish cleaning. If nothing else, it would make that cough of hers worse.

Shely dragged herself up the attic steps, still feeling exhausted from the weight of the information she'd learned about Dee the night before, and from the restless night's sleep she had obtained. Coffee was definitely in order as soon as she could convince her daughter to come downstairs.

"Rachel?" she called up the steps as she walked. She heard no response and her heart raced a little, but experience told her that the little girl was definitely up there and just staying quiet. "Rachel, honey are you up here?"

"Please stay away, Mommy," Rachel responded. Shelby's eyes widened nervously at the scratchy, rough sound of Rachel's voice. Instead of its usual bell-like cadence, it was hoarse and deep. "I'm unclean and don't want to make you unclean too."

"If you're still not feeling well, honey, we need to see about getting you some medicine to fix it," Shelby stopped at the top of the stairs and looked across the dark attic to see her little girl curled up in the corner with some book in her arms. "Please come down stairs with Mommy so I can check to see how sick you are and we can try to make it better…"

"No, Mommy." Rachel shook her head. "I need to be shunned away from you and Mama or you're going to get it too."

"That's a risk I am willing to take, little star, if it means I can help you feel better." Shelby told her, walking closer but not too quickly so as to upset her further.

Rachel's eyes widened. No adult had ever come near her when her throat hurt like this. "You don't care if you get sick?" she asked. She sounded so tired and she coughed when her voice cracked and then winced at the apparent pain. Shelby's heart shattered into a million pieces.

"No, honey. I care about helping you so that you can hopefully feel better soon. That's just what mommies do. Will you come here, please?"

Hesitantly, Rachel moved out of her little corner, clutching the photo album to her chest.

"What do you have there, Rach?" Shelby asked kindly.

"Pictures of you and Aunt Dee Dee," Rachel said simply. "I-" she stopped, realizing she might be in trouble for going through her mommy's boxes. "I hope it's okay that I'm looking at them…" she pressed her lips together guilty and coughed into her elbow again. Her eyes swelled up with tears. "Mommy, my throat hurts real bad."

"I know honey, come down stairs and let me look at it, okay?" Shelby tried again to convince Rachel to let her help, to no avail.

"Mommy," the little girl's voice was almost unrecognizable. "How come you've never shown me these pictures of you and Aunt Dee Dee before? You even have one at the statue of liberty and at the theatre!" She coughed heavily and willed herself not to cry. The more she showed she was in pain the more her mommy would insist she go downstairs, and she didn't want Mommy to call Auntie April.

"I guess I forgot they were up here," Shelby mumbled, feeling annoyed at the thought of her aunt. Her voice had been loud enough for Rachel to hear her, but was clearly full of bitterness. Rachel blinked at the response, taken aback by her mother's apparent mood change towards someone who was usually one of her favorite people. She had heard the annoyance towards Dee a little bit the night before as well, and it was all very confusing.

"You can bring the book downstairs if you want to look at it, but we really need to get you out of this room, Rachel, it's full of dust and it's going to make you feel worse…"

"But it's warm up here Mommy, and I'm so cold," Rachel argued.

Shelby knew she must have a fever and wondered if it was worth it to just bring things up to Rachel rather than convincing her to leave her safe space. She considered getting Cassandra to help and wondered if it would even make a difference. Rachel was just as stubborn as her mothers.

"All the more reason for you to come downstairs, honey, we can start the fireplace in the living room if you're cold." Shelby felt desperate and didn't want to argue with a nine-year-old, but didn't want to upset her by forcing her out of her comfort zone, either.

Rachel scrunched her nose. "You won't start the fire in the middle of summer," she challenged her mother.

Shelby blinked. Rachel was getting sassy- a clear indication she was spending too much time around her Mama and Aunt Holly. She bit her cheek in frustration but didn't let it show on her face. "Rachel. Please just come downstairs, I don't want to have to ask you again."

"Are you upset with me, Mommy?" Rachel's lip quivered. She was doing it again. She was being bad. Bad people get sick and have to go to doctors. Reverend would have swatted her by now.

For fuck's sake, please just let me help you. Let me be a good mother for once. Shelby thought to herself, not understanding why Rachel didn't want her sickness to be taken care of, Shelby took a long, calming breath.

"No, honey, I just…" Shelby sighed.

"You sound upset. I don't want-" Rachel coughed, hard, letting out a whimper of pain as she did so. "I don't want you to be upset, but I don't-" crocodile tears formed in her eyes. " I'm bad. It's 'cause I've been bad, and the rules and, and...I don't want you call Auntie April either-"

"Honey, I'm not going to call April, I just want to see what I can do to help you from home, okay?" Shelby knew she was fibbing a little. It was clear Rachel had a fever and that something deeper, very likely requiring medicine, was happening here. But that was a problem to deal with after she got Rachel out of the attic. One step at a time. She pulled her cell out of her robe pocket and texted Cassandra, hoping it would wake her.

Please get your ass to the attic, I need your help.

Cassandra's phone buzzed on the table next to her. She groaned in annoyance and ignored it, turning over in the bed and trying to drift back to sleep.

Cassandra. Assistance. Please.

Her phone buzzed again. She reached over in the bed blindly and felt for Shelby. Realizing she was alone, she let out a long breath and reached for her phone. What the fuck does she need that she can't just come in here and tell me? She grumbled to herself, pulling herself out from under the comfortable sheets and walking at a glacial pace towards the attic.

When she reached the top stair, she found the stand off between Shelby and Rachel and blinked in confusion. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Mama, tell Mommy not to call Auntie April," Rachel implored her.

Cassandra sucked in a breath.

"Rachel, are you okay?" she asked at the tone of Rachel's voice. "Does your throat hurt honey?"

"Yes, but I don't want you to call Auntie April and tell her, though." Rachel said, starting to get annoyed. It was hurting her to talk and they kept making her talk.

"If we promise not to call her will you please come downstairs so Mommy and I can make you something cold for your throat and help it feel better?" Cassandra tried to bribe her. "Ice chips will feel really good on a throat in that much pain."

"What are ice chips?" Rachel asked.

"Just like little ice cubes, Rach, that you can suck on," Cassandra said. "Come on, I know it will help you feel better," she reached her hand out for her little girl to take. Reluctantly, Rachel did so, still clinging to the photo album with her other arm.

Shelby felt exasperated. Even when Rachel was mad at Cassandra for spending too much time with Cadence, Cassandra was still the fun mom and Shelby was still the bad cop. All she wanted was to help Rachel feel better. Of course Cass is in her bad morning mood and Rachel still wants to listen to her more. Cassie has the fun ideas. Cassie's the smarter one. She slumped down the stairs behind them.

Once they got Rachel to sit at the tabletop in the kitchen, Cassandra set the baby monitor to Cadence's room, which she'd been carrying in her free hand, on the counter top and pulled out the blender to break down some ice cubes as promised. Rachel set the photo album down on the counter top and Cassandra caught the cover out of the corner of her eye. Her jaw set.

"What's that, Rachel?" she asked, not unkindly. She knew exactly what it was, but was feeling bitterness towards the woman creep into her tone.

"I wanted to see the pictures of Mommy and Aunt Dee Dee," Rachel explained, her voice quieter now as she was losing her ability to speak comfortably. She hoped the ice would help like Mama told her it would.

"Mmm." Cassandra threw a cup of ice into the blender and practically slapped the button to turn it on. Rachel plugged her ears at the loud noise until Cassandra turned it off and poured the ice chips into a cup that was accessible for Rachel. Shelby sat next to Rachel and placed her hand against the little girl's sweaty forehead, starting to panic. This was clearly more than the summer cold they had thought it was.

"Mommy, don't touch me too much," Rachel warned her mother. She knew her skin was warm. She remembered that meant that the fire of hell was burning her insides. Rachel didn't miss the pained look on Shelby's face. "No mommy, I'm not mad at you. You just don't know the rules. The bad spreads. That's why I need to stay away, see? I'm not clean, remember? And Auntie April needs to stay away too because this will go away eventually..." she nodded her head like her thought process was incredibly logical.

None of this was making a bit of sense to Cassandra, however, who wanted to tear her hair out for good measure. More evidence of the Reverend's sick, fucked up religious shit brainwashing our little girl's mind.

Shelby put her chin in her hand as her mind mulled over the situation. April clearly needed to come over and check on her, but Shelby wasn't sure how to convince Rachel not to have a full meltdown when it happened. Rachel was against it for various reasons, resulting from god knows what religious preaching had been shoved down her throat that influenced her to have a phobia of all things medical.

"Rachel," Shelby asked after a moment of thinking. "You said you were not clean, right?" Shelby paused, waiting for Rachel to nod. Cassandra looked over at her wife, albeit a little impatiently. Shelby knew that Cassandra was finding this ridiculous and not addressing the issue at hand. She also knew that her dear wife was in desperate need of some coffee to wake her up and get her out of her morning mood, and that the appearance of the old photo album was a large contributing factor. It was hard for Cassandra to have patience sometimes, and for her to understand why everything had to be a battle. She was getting better, but it was taking time. Shelby was definitely the more patient one between the two of them.

"How about a bath? We can use the big tub upstairs, and I can turn the shower up so the bathroom is really steamy..." Shelby elaborated. "And there is a way we can even clean your throat." Shelby kept to herself that her plan later entailed convincing Rachel to gargle with hot salt water. Rachel's posture had become less rigid the more she realized that Shelby was going to try to handle this herself, and not get her Auntie April involved.

"That might work, yes," Rachel agreed. She had never tried steaming before, not that she had ever been given the chance to. She had just been left alone, locked away from everyone else.

"Ok Mommy, we can try that. And just so you know, you gotta take a bath with me too because you were up in the attic with me a long time. And Mama has to at least wash her hands."

Per Rachel's request, Cassandra followed the two brunettes up the stairs to the master bath. It seemed to Cassandra that they were congrating in the bathroom just to hopefully convince Rachel to relax enough so she would agree to let April come over. Cassandra just hoped that Cadence would sleep through this, because the bathtub could only handle so many bodies at once and that little girl adored water.

"Damn, I need a cup of coffee," Shelby mumbled to herself as she prepped the room, earning her a snort from her wife in agreement.

"Well, you were the one who suggested a "cleansing"," Cassandra retorted with a smirk, more upset about the situation they all found themselves in than her wife's suggestion and strategy to deal with their daughter's illness. "This is the first time she's gotten sick since we've had her, though. I feel bad being frustrated but I promise it's not because of Rachel..."

"I know, you don't have to explain it to me. Or to Rachel, she can't even tell you're upset," Shelby mumbled.

Rachel couldn't hear them, anyways. She was caught up in her own world as she prepared for her bath, excited for alone time with her mommies, but frustrated that she felt so icky.

. . .

Cassandra was brushing knots out of her long, beachy blonde waves when Cadence started screeching over the baby monitor. She calmly set the brush down on the bathroom counter and stepped out of the room to take care of her. As she walked into the hallway, she heard her friend's voice echo through the mansion.

"Cass?" Holly called up the stairs.

"Up here, with the girls," Cassandra yelled back down.

"You want some assistance, sweet cheeks?" April called in response.

Shit. Rachel's going to lose her goddamn mind. "Um… Give me one minute, don't come up," Cassandra warned.

Holly and April exchanged a quizzical look. "Umm….alright…" April said back, clearly very confused. When Cassandra made it down the stairs, she carried a babbling Cadence on her hip, bouncing her to get her to settle a little bit. She was obviously hungry and ready for the day.

That makes one of us. Cassandra couldn't help but smirk.

"Hey," she kissed her friends on the cheek. "You don't want to go upstairs, Rachel's sick."

"Well, we knew that," April said. "Also, sorry I missed the smackdown last night, if I'd known what was happening I would have brought the popcorn,"

Holly elbowed April and shot her a look. April pressed her lips together. "I mean, I'm sure Cass gave her what she deserved, is all I'll say."

"Not hardly, but it was a start," Cassandra rolled her eyes. Cadence continued to babble, and Cassandra turned to her, cooing. "I know, I know, you're hungry, give sissy a minute, yeah?" she turned back to her friends, her voice lowering a little. "Listen, Rachel is really sick. Like she needs some sort of medicine level of sickness. Is there any way on god's green earth you can write her a prescription without actually seeing her?"

"Afraid not, if I want to keep my license," April crossed her arms in thought. "What, she doesn't want to see me?"

"Does this surprise you?" Cassandra answered her question with a question. Cadence grabbed a fistful of Cassandra's hair and shook it playfully, laughing with glee. Cassandra sucked a breath through her teeth. "Cady, honey, we don't pull hair, do we? No…" she gently tried to get her little sister to release the locks she had only just brushed through moments ago. She led her friends to the kitchen so she could finally get some caffeine in her system. "April, if she sees you she's going to lose it. I don't know what to do."

"What's wrong with her?" April asked, graciously accepting the coffee mug that Cassandra got down from the cupboard. The closer to the school year they got the more this morning coffee before work thing was a tradition. Natalie usually elected to stay in bed and sleep as long as possible until it was time for her lessons with Lena, but occasionally she would join them for some decaf coffee and morning conversation.

"Fuck if I know, she won't stop talking about a photo album she found of Shelby and Dee. Fever for sure. Sore throat, maybe strep? Tonsillitis? Her voice is really rough. Still has that cold, too, so I'm wondering if it just morphed into something worse." She stared at her coffee pot, brewing painfully slowly. "I know we can't help a cold, but we can help tonsillitis or something, right?"

Cadence grabbed her hair again and pulled on it, vying for her sister's attention.

"Cadence. No. We do not pull hair. What did I just tell you?" Cassandra snapped. Cadence ignored her sister's tone and pulled again. "OH for the love of god…" she set her sister down into her high chair and paid the price as Cadence began smacking the tray in front of her and making as much noise as possible.

Cassandra turned to her friends. "I'm going to lose my fucking mind. You guys. I'm not cut out for this parenting stuff. I can hardly teach kids. They call me the drill sergeant. Did you know that? If you'd told me I'd have two little kids at 25 I'd call you psychotic and get you help. I can't do this."

"Just cut her up a banana, she'll leave you alone for a while," Holly suggested.

"Don't pretend it's that easy," Cassandra sighed in relief as the pot of coffee was finally full enough to take it out of the tray and pour some for herself and her friends. "It's not even 7 am and I have a baby who doesn't listen and a feverish nine year old who refuses to see a doctor."

She cut up a banana as instructed and set it down on Cadence's tray in front of her. The little girl was content to shove a piece happily and messily into her mouth, nomming on it and smiling at her older sister with a big, slobbery, messy grin.

"Can you just video chat Rachel or something? Do you have to see her in person?" Cassandra asked, feeling desperate.

"I can barely get away with making a house call, let alone video chatting with her," April shook her head. "Sorry, sugar."

"I promised her we wouldn't call you," Cassandra put her head into her hands, slumping into a seat across from them.

April shrugged. "You didn't call me."

"Yeah, like Rachel is going to make that distinction."

"Hey," April's eyes sparkled kindly. "We'll figure something out, okay?" she reached a hand out to place it on top of Cassandra's and Cassandra nodded wordlessly.

. . .

Rachel leaned her back into her mother's front as they both sat in the water. The steam really did make it easier to breathe, and her Mommy had been really smart. The cleaning of her mouth and sore throat with salt water took some convincing, but had helped ease the pain almost as much as the ice chips had. She and her mother sat in silence for a while as steam floated around them.

"Thanks, Mommy," Rachel finally mumbled, her voice raspy. "You knew just what to do." she let it drop at that. She would have said more if it didn't hurt to talk, but it did, so she kept her phrases short.

For her part, Shelby was trying to find an angle to get Rachel to agree to see April. She was definitely going to have to think outside the box.

"Rachel," Shelby finally spoke up. "You know, I love you with all my heart and I want you to feel better. You're nine years old, and a very smart girl. Auntie April is very smart too. She is very good at her job, and she helps a lot of people. She is not evil, and for all my life she has been like a ray of sunshine. She is like a superhero. Like Wonder Woman."

"What do you mean, Mommy?" Rachel asked, turning in the water so she could see Shelby's face. "She is so tiny and Wonder Woman is tall."

"Auntie April fights germs and things that make people sick. She uses her doctor's equipment to make things healthy and clean," Shelby explained, deciding she and Rachel were going to prune if they stayed in the water much longer."She fights germs like Wonder Woman fights bad guys. Does that make sense?"

"So," Rachel thought aloud to herself, " She is like God's angels who fight evil demons and chases them away from people and sends them back to hell?"

This was so out of Shelby's comfort zone, but if it took making April out to be some sort of superhero or angel, so be it.

"Yeah Rach," Shelby answered, stepping out of the tub before helping Rachel do so too. "And you know she has been given a real gift and is very good at her job. Won't you let her examine you, so you can get better. Auntie April can help you get better."

Rachel had to give her mother credit-she had a point, and it wasn't as if she had ever tried to get help from a doctor when her throat was hurting, so it might not even be that bad. Not seeing doctors hadn't worked in her favor in the past, she knew, because she kept getting these sore throats over and over.

"Okay Mommy," Rachel finally agreed, "She can come."

. . .

Despite how icky she was feeling, Rachel had to think the outfit that her Auntie April had on was officially the craziest one she'd ever seen her in. She would have laughed out loud if it didn't hurt her throat. April was wearing what looked like blue Tinkerbell wings on her back, with matching blue shorts and a sky blue top. Rachel's Mommy and Auntie April must have talked about this angel thing after she had given permission for April to come over. Although April might have called her outfit her "angel attire", Rachel honestly thought she looked more like Galinda with wings.

Rachel had had an epiphany about the whole thing. With her Auntie April's small stature, her sweet singing voice, and the blonde hair, she would have made a perfect performer in Wicked. The whole costume thing was on her mind the entire time that April examined her, in the comfort of her own bedroom. Rachel felt very grateful that she didn't have to go all the way to the scary clinic. Besides, her aunt wasn't using any needles today or anything, all Rachel had to dowas open her mouth when she was asked and sit still while her aunt checked her ears and nose.

Rachel started paying attention when Auntie April said the big word, "tonsillitis". The word meant nothing to her really, besides the fact that she now had a name for the feeling of her throat hurting so much. Before, she hadn't realized it had an official name. Rachel let the adults continue to talk, and reached around the doctor's back to run a curious hand along the edge of the angel wings. The fabric was a gauzy material that she could see through. Why on earth would April have this?

"Careful there, sugar plum," April stopped talking to her mother and addressed the costume choice for the first time. "My wings are delicate and very, very old."

"Old?" Rachel asked, "Why do you have wings? I thought doctors wear white coats or something?" Rachel turned her head and coughed into her elbow. She whipped the tears that came to her brown eyes on her sleeves and kept talking despite the pain, not giving April time to answer. "You're trying to be an angel or something? Mommy tell you that? You look more like a fairy from Peter Pan, or maybe Galinda the Good Witch."

Rachel wanted to ask why April became a doctor when she obviously was pretty and had a good singing voice-good enough to perform, even- but she decided that for now she would be satisfied with April's reply.

"Now, Rachel, I am not like most doctors, wearing white coats all the time can be so boring," April explained. "I also know that doctors can be scary for some people and your mom told me that you both decided that I was an angel. So this was the best I could do on the fly..."

April spun around on her toes, striking a pose and stretching her arms out palms up, as if to say, "Here I am!". She flashed her niece that wide, infectious smile that she had grown accustomed to. Rachel just had to smile back. This whole doctor experience really hadn't been that bad. The pain that Rachel had been the most worried about hadn't happened.

"Don't-cha recognize these?" April asked, "The little ones wore some of these for their end of the year "Spring into Summer Show".

"Oh, yeah!" Rachel answered, giving her mother a look. How come April got to go through those costumes when Rachel had just wanted to look through them and was told not to touch them. Auntie April didn't exactly look like an angel, but Rachel appreciated the effort nonetheless. The explanation of the doctor's appearance had turned Rachel's thoughts back to the subject at hand.

"Can you make me all good again?" Rachel asked April very seriously."Take the bad away?"

"Rachel, Baby Girl, you are a sweet, and very good girl already," April cooed. "You just have a germ that is making you feel so icky. Luckily for you, I have some good medicine that should help you feel better by this time tomorrow night, as long as you're good and take it as soon as your Mama goes to the pharmacy and picks it up."

Rachel nodded with grateful, wide eyes. She wasn't sure she completely understood how April could make her clean so easily, or how she could take away this punishment of her sins. April was only pretending to be an angel, but she tried not to question it any further. Her Auntie April might have hurt her in the past with the shots, but her Mommy had explained that had been done to protect Rachel from getting sicker later. Whether she was pretending to be an angel or not, Rachel knew for certain that Auntie April was a healer and protector, and that was enough for her to trust that she knew what she was talking about.

"Now, let me tell you other ways you can feel better. Tomorrow night you won't be contagious anymore, but your throat will probably still hurt for a couple of days…" April continued. She spied her best friend's worried gaze out of the corner of her eye. "Shelbs, it's just tonsillitis, very treatable. I'm writing that prescription and then she'll be okay. Okay? I'm gonna talk to Rachel for a few more minutes, and then she should probably get some rest for a little bit. Do you want help with breakfast?"

It was April's nice way of telling her that Rachel would never rest if Shelby continued to hover, but it was also reassurance that Shelby didn't need to worry.

Shelby shook her head, then placed a kiss to Rachel's temple and rubbed a grateful hand on April's shoulder. "I'm going to head downstairs then and start breakfast before you and Hol have to go in to work. I should be okay without the help. Pancakes?"

April nodded her acknowledgement, giving her friend a smile, and Shelby made her way out of the room, glancing back at Rachel one more time before leaving completely. The young doctor turned back to her niece and placed a motherly kiss to her forehead. "You're still pretty warm, girlfriend, it might be a good idea for us to get a cold washcloth and lay it against your forehead. That will help take some of that heat down…"

Rachel scrunched her nose, but smiled. Her aunt was so silly. How would a cold washcloth take her fever away before the medicine could? Her stomach churned nervously for a minute at the thought of taking medicine- she'd never done that before, and wasn't sure exactly what all it entailed-but she tried to remind herself that Auntie April knew what she was doing.

"We have to break that fever, but the medicine will help with that once you're able to take it. I know Mama made you some ice chips earlier, did those feel good on your throat?" April asked, tucking Rachel's blankets in around her to help her get more comfortable.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, the cold feels good."

"Maybe Mommy can make you more for breakfast. You have to eat regular food still, but we can find you cold stuff that won't irritate it more. No milk for a while, and no ice cream I'm sad to say because it'll make you phlegmy…"

Rachel giggled at the weird word.

"...but you can have all the popsicles your little heart desires, as long as your mommies are okay with all of that sugar. No red ones though, or we won't be able to tell if your throat is getting worse or not. Red can sometimes look like blood," April scrunched her nose for emphasis.

Rachel was listening to her aunt talk, she really was, but she also couldn't help but squirm and think about how weird her mommies had been acting around her Aunt Dee Dee, especially her Mama's reaction when she got the photo album out. Now that she was alone with her Auntie April, she thought it would be an okay time to ask. She had heard her mommies saying mean things about Aunt Dee Dee the night before when she wasn't sure she was supposed to hear. It had confused her a lot. They loved Aunt Dee Dee. Mommy especially loved her, but she was the one who had said that she needed to, "leave them the hell alone for a while", and Mama had called her a, "backstabber".

"Auntie April," Rachel croaked. She cleared her throat and winced.

April ran a loving hand through Rachel's hair. "Try not to talk too much, lovey dovey, the more you do the more it's going to irritate your throat…"

"I just have one question though. Why is Aunt Dee Dee stabbing Mama's back? What is she stabbing it with? Is it a game, like the fake swords that Brandon and Jesus have? Why-" she paused, falling into a fit of coughing. This was getting so frustrating. She swallowed hard at the pain. "Why does Aunt Dee Dee need to leave us alone for a while? Is Mama mad that she won the sword fighting game?"

Her usual slew of questions, although amusing as always, were too much for her little body to take right now. April soothed her once again with a gentle hand and tried to think of what she was allowed to say to address this.

"Rachel, honey. We love Aunt Dee Dee, don't we?" she started, carefully.

Rachel nodded, not feeling up to continuing to speak.

"And sometimes, when we love people, we get into fights with them because that love is so strong sometimes that it can be difficult to understand. You understand the power that love has, right? You know that sometimes it's so strong that it can be confusing?"

Rachel nodded again, but furrowed her brow, unsure where this was going.

"Sometimes, we want the best for the people we love, because we never want to see them get hurt. And sometimes, we think we can protect the people we love from bad people and bad situations, and we get upset when we can't. Sometimes, we make bad decisions because our brains get overpowered by all the love we have, and we forget to think about what we should do instead of what we want to do. Aunt Dee Dee's love for your mommies took over her brain a little bit, and got her into a little bit of trouble. So your mommies… I think they need some time to process that…. Is all of that making sense?" April felt like she was probably saying too much, but wasn't sure what else to say when Rachel had already heard what was going on.

"So it wasn't fake swords?" Rachel asked.

April laughed. "No, honey. Mama feels like Aunt Dee Dee did a bad thing by accident, and it was very unexpected. That's all. But we have to remember that that doesn't make Aunt Dee Dee a bad person just because she did one bad thing, right?"

"She can repent for her sins, always," Rachel remembered.

April winced a little. "Yes... but more importantly, she can apologize to your mommies and explain why she made that decision, then try to do better in the future. So your mommies are just waiting for that apology now. That's all. You might not see Aunt Dee Dee for a few days, but that doesn't mean we don't still love her and it doesn't make her bad."

Rachel nodded in understanding, glad she had gotten the courage to ask Auntie April what was going on. She didn't want her mommies to be upset that she had overheard them, and although she didn't think they would be, she worried they would think she had been eavesdropping. "I'm sure Aunt Dee Dee is sorry. Mommy and Mama just need to talk to her."

"They are pretty upset, Rach. I think that talk might be a while. But patience is a virtue, right, dear one?" she kissed Rachel's forehead a final time and caressed her face softly. "You want to lay here a while, and we can let you know when your Mommy has breakfast ready?"

Rachel nodded, her eyelids feeling heavy and her body feeling exhausted.

April moved to head out the bedroom door.

"Auntie April?" Rachel sat up a little before she could go. April spun around and leaned against the doorframe.

"Yes pumpkin?"

Rachel took in the costume wings her aunt was wearing one more time. One was a little crooked and the other was stuck against the door. She giggled softly and settled back down into her covers.

"I think you really are an angel," Rachel mumbled before letting sleep take over her body.

. . .

Cassandra laid across the couch in the living room, angrily picking at her lips and listening to Holly go on and on about how Dee had to have had a really good reason for doing what she did. Holly was pacing the living room in thought, basically saying anything that came to her mind and arguing both sides out loud to try to get to some kind of resolution. Like the good lawyer that she was.

"Hol, I really don't care what reason she had for-"

"I mean Dee wouldn't just hurt Shelby like that. Or you, for that matter," Holly continued, ignoring Cassandra's frustrated tone. Cassandra rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated groan. It didn't matter what the reason was or how upset it had made Cassandra that Dee had been lying to them. Shelby was already over at Dee's so they could talk, and Cassandra knew they were likely going to make up before the night was over. Shelby had always been too forgiving of the people that wronged her. It was something that drove Cassandra crazy, as her protector.

Cadence, during their conversation, was content to lay in her playpen with her favorite stuffed rabbit, looking wide eyed up at the large TV screen. Sesame Street was on, but Cassandra had it muted so she could hear herself think. Cadence didn't seem to mind, she just enjoyed the bright colors and silly fuzzy monsters.

"Hol, all I know is that Shelby is going to forgive her. She always does stuff like this, no matter how hurt or upset she is, and it's not fair. Dee doesn't deserve our trust or forgiveness. At least not right now." Cassandra sat up, her thoughts too wired to continue to lay around.

"You really think what she did was malicious?" Holly asked, stopping her pacing and staring at her best friend, feeling desperate to prove Dee innocent even though she knew that was not the case.

"I really don't think it matters whether it was malicious or not. Either way, she lied." Cassandra's tone was cold. She was learning quickly that her circle was much smaller than she thought it was, and all of her original instincts about not getting along with Dee were starting to resurface.

"Like you've never lied before," Holly challenged. Cassandra failed to see the relevance.

"Um, no, not like this," she insisted. "Not for literal years at a time. Dee is supposed to be like a mother to Shelby, and what kind of mother...don't answer that…" Cassandra leaned back once again and put a pillow over her head in frustration.

"Mother figures are human too," Holly said carefully, moving Cassandra's legs so she could sit under them, laying them back over her lap as she leaned back into the couch. "She made a mistake. Did you let her explain why?" she knew the answer to her own question but knew she needed to crack Cassandra's hard exterior somehow.

"Holly, who's side are you even on?" Cassandra asked accusingly.

"Yours and Shelby's, always," Holly insisted. "You know that. But so is Dee. If she was so evil she wouldn't have taken Shelby in for all of those years and she wouldn't be back now to help you raise Rachel and Cady. I know the two of you have a hard time seeing eye to eye, and I know that Shelby's mother is a dealbreaker. I understand that. Obviously I do. But I also know that actions like that had to have been motivated by something. Fear, or hope. I have to believe that Dee had good intentions because it's so incredibly out of character for her to stab you both in the back like that, and I know that deep down you understand that."

Cassandra sat up, begrudgingly. "I hate when you mother me like that."

Holly laughed knowingly. "No, you don't."

Cassandra sighed. "No I don't. I just hate when you're right."

Holly pushed her playfully. "I'm always right."

"Don't get cocky," Cassandra smirked. A beat. "I'm still mad at her."

"You have every right to be mad at her," Holly agreed. "I'm just saying you can't be upset with Shelby if she isn't. You also can't assume that Shelby is going to forgive her so easily, she is just as upset as you are, if not more so."

"Yeah, but-"

"You have to give Shelby some credit that she will stick up for herself," Holly reminded her best friend gently. She took a long drink from a mug of black coffee that had been cooling on the table in front of them. There was a long pause between the two, during which Cassandra stared up at the cartoons on the TV screen. She thought about how she wished she could be little again, and start over with a family that took care of her and protected her. She wondered if a life where Melissa had raised her instead of her mother and father might have been different. She wondered what it was like to be a child like Cadence, with no cares in the world and no trauma to ruin her dreams.

"Holly, are you going to be able to come with me to take care of my parents' estate?" Cassandra asked. "I know it's a lot to ask after the trip we just took. I know you have work and that I can't realistically ask you to keep blowing off clients, so please feel free to tell me no."

"I do have clients," Holly said. "And I hate to say it, hun, but I think that's a battle you're going to have to fight without me. You know I'd be there if I could, but I have to move forward with some of these cases, I can't afford to take another week off right now…" Holly looked over at her best friend, trying to gauge her. "Do you hate me?"

Cassandra shook her head. "Of course I don't hate you, Hol,"

"April and I can still watch Cady for you guys, though, if that helps. You won't have the time or energy to watch her and pack up that entire house." Holly offered.

Cassandra nodded slowly, in thought. "Yeah, that's a good point. I'd appreciate that a lot if you are able to. If not, we can maybe see if Stef and Lena can watch her…"

"No, no, she can stay with us," Holly insisted. "She's more familiar with our place anyway." She took another drink of coffee and stared up at the TV screen with Cassandra as they talked. "You know, maybe it will be good for you to have to face Dee without me to hold you back. It means you have to practice self-restraint." she was half-teasing, and a corner of Cassandra's mouth turned up in response.

"You think I could take her?" Cassandra asked.

"Down, girl." Holly warned.

"I'm kidding," Cassandra said, reaching over to steal Holly's mug and take a sip of her coffee. "Kind of."

Holly stole the mug back. "Have you figured out what you're going to do about your musical theatre dance class yet?" she asked, in an attempt to distract her from her personal life. Cassandra knew what she was doing, but didn't fight it.

"I think I'm going to flip that schedule so that Shelby can have the studio for that group performance class she's wanting to try."

Cadence grew tired with the television and turned her attention to her older sister, reaching her arms up and begging to be held. Cassandra obliged, reaching into the play pen to pick her sister up and set her in her lap, rocking her gently.

"I'll be happy when we make it to the start of semester and this shit with my parents is over with." Cassandra muttered.

"Shit!" Cadence repeated.

Cassandra dropped her jaw. "No," her voice dropped. "No, Cady, we don't say that," she shook her head for emphasis. "No thank you."

Cadence laughed and Holly suppressed a laugh behind her hand. "Oh, Cassie July. You're doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. You're so young. For all of this to have happened to you, especially just within the last year…You have to stop being so hard on yourself though. You're starting to take your bitterness out on the people you love."

Cassandra thought about this. "I don't mean to."

"I know that, and so does Shelby. But after a while, it's going to be hard to remember. Just...try to remember that everyone is trying their best, okay? Even Dee, as much as I know you don't want to hear it." Holly knew she was walking a thin line, but sometimes the tough love side of her had to come out and even Cassandra understood that.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." Cassandra held her little sister close to her chest, in a hug. An apology to at least one member of the family. "I'll be better. I promise."

. . .

Shelby sighed, turning on the water at the kitchen sink and washing her hands. She really could not afford to get sick, none of them could. She and Cassandra would need to keep Cadence away from Rachel at least until the medicine started to work and she was no longer contagious. As hard as this was, Shelby could not imagine having to care for two sick kids. They were going to make a trip back over to New Jersey in the next few days. A virus running through the house was the last thing they needed.

Shelby looked out the kitchen window. Her eyes automatically tracked to Dee's apartment out back. As troubled and mad as she was, Shelby was glad to see the moped parked out back as well as Dee's new Prius. Dee was keeping her promise, she had not left. Shelby groaned, not really feeling hungry. She would have liked nothing better than to go back to bed and pull the covers over her head, but that was obviously not happening. She pulled the mixing bowls out of the cabinet while trying to self motivate so she could feed the group of hungry people that were currently in her house. It was so difficult. It was all she could do not to rush out the back door and go see her Aunt. What she would do when she got there was the unknown.

She wanted to both scream at her cursing her with the loudest dressing down she could and at the same time, she just wanted to go sit at Dee's feet like she used to when she was younger. They would be watching television and she would sit on the floor while Dee sat on the sofa. Dee would brush out her hair in long strokes. The only sounds were of the television and the hair brush. It was so soothing to her after she left Ohio and came to live with her. Her mind was a mess and emotions all over the place. Dee never pushed. They honestly hadn't talked about Rachel for months after she came to live there. But just knowing that Dee was there had been a great comfort to her. It made her feel safe, supported and loved.

Shelby opened the fridge, pulling out the milk and setting it on the counter. Again, she looked out the window. Dee had opened the blinds to let in the morning sun. Shelby nodded, thinking of the past, the present situation, and somewhere in the middle where they seemed to skew together. None of this made sense. She was however, incredibly glad that Dee was still there. She always had been, her whole life, and Shelby knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she always would be. Right?

Right, she told herself willing herself to believe it even as she thought of that damned contract that was currently in the drawer of her dresser.

With an audible groan, Shelby abandoned the pancakes and picked up her phone. Standing back at the kitchen sink, looking out the window at her Aunt's place, Shelby tapped out a simple, one worded text.

{Why}

Shelby watched expectantly from her kitchen window. She didn't realize she was holding her breath until Dee's face appeared from the apartment's side glass door. She exhaled as tension was released from her neck and shoulders.

Dee was there. She was there. That was ok.

Eyes connected. Shelby could swear she was looking straight into the woman's soul.

Unfortunately, she couldn't deal with it...not yet anyways. Reluctantly, she stepped away and moved back to the kitchen counter, running an annoyed hand through her messy hair. She had breakfast to make, and responsibilities to see through. Her nine year old daughter was really sick.

Shelby's phone buzzed on the counter and she instantly regretted texting Dee at all. She looked down at the response regardless, her heart pounding in her chest.

{I've always been your protector. That hasn't changed.}

Shelby looked back up through the window to give her aunt a quizzical look, but when she pulled her head up to glance back over at the apartment door, Dee was gone. Gone! It was unsettling. Even as the emotions crept up, another chime of a text message broke her thoughts.

{I'll be here when you're ready.}