"Oh Penders!"
Miles stood on tiptoes to peer out at the street outside where two police officers were emerging from a patrol car, its flashing blue and red lights painting the snow even more brightly than the Christmas lights above.
And the thoroughly inebriated hedgehog giggled in his grip, pulling the neck of his sweater down to tweak at his chest fur.
Of course. This was an apartment building, someone probably called about disorderly mobians and they were going to see a bunch of drunk mobians and one was six and Sonic was here and this was going to be on the news and Shadow was going to shoot all the police and- Oh sweet Yamaguchi he might open his present.
No. He could deal with this. He was a sidekick. And if there was ever a job that needed a thorough sidekicking, this was it.
"Take care of her." He thrust Amy into Cream's arms.
"Hey, look! Mistletoe!" Amy kissed Cream's cheek and resumed swinging around as Cream sputtered in surprise.
He paid little attention. The rabbit, small even by his standards, probably had a few minutes at most before she was as bad as Amy. He stumbled out of the kitchen.
Oh Penders what was he going to do? The front door had a full view of the bomb site. The police were going to ask questions. They were going to at very least breath test everyone. Amy was three sheets to the wind and Sonic was easily four. There was absolutely no way he could clean this mess up, and unless someone had invisibility powers he didn't know about, there was no way he was going to be able to sneak them past the officers who, judging from their pace out of the car, would be knocking on the door within thirty-eight seconds.
Wait.
The window.
Miles dashed forward, grabbing Sonic by the wrist.
"Whoa! What's up little bud? You feeling lonely? I-"
"Hey Shadow!" Miles snapped his gaze to his hero's karaoke companion, who glowered at him in response. "Bet you can't beat Sonic up to the roof!"
"Hmph! Fool. Chaos control!" The black hedgehog vanished in a flash of energy.
"What's this? A race- whoa! Hold on, Tails!"
"No time! Racing!" Miles blasted into Amy's unlit bedroom, wrenching the window open with a crunch, despite it being locked. "You don't want Shadow to win, right?" He hurtled out of the window, Sonic dangling from his grip. "He said you couldn't beat him in a race to Nights Casino."
"He said whaaaaaagh!"
His answer was interrupted as Miles caught the window frame with his tails and threw, sending Sonic flying up to the roof, and himself slamming down against the wall of the building.
"Owww." He clutched his skull, dragging himself back inside.
Okay, Sonic and Shadow out of the way. Miles tried and failed to shake the bleariness from his head. They'd bicker for a minute or two, then get to running, hopefully bypassing anywhere too populated until they reached Nights Casino and sobered up a bit on the way. Next the girls.
He leapt over the couch, bouncing into the kitchen where Cream gazed at him blearily, Amy limp in her grip.
"Can you fly?"
She shook her head. Miles dashed forward just as a fist pounded on the door, scooping her into his arms, Amy stacked on top.
"Now this is more like it." Cream giggled, twitching her tail against his grip.
"Shush." Miles skidded out into the hall again, tottering to a halt by Blaze, the weight of his people pile almost tipping him over. "No time to explain, I need you to watch these two, alright?"
"Hm?" Blaze blinked slowly at him, her head barely inclining into a nod before Miles tossed the pair up at her. "What-"
"I'm so sorry!" He grabbed the princess around the waist, pushing off the floor to swing from the light fitting over to the other side of the room with all three in an ungainly pile in his grasp. "Big! Do you want to get the door?" He yelled loudly as he stumbled into Amy's bedroom and leapt from the window, tails spinning into life. "So sorry. I promise I'll make this up to you, Blaze."
He surged upwards, Cream and Blaze dangling from his arms, Amy dangling from their arms as he lifted up to the rooftop, two snowless furrows carved onto its surface where Sonic and Shadow had kicked off.
"I will be back in two minutes. I promise. Just stop them from jumping off, okay? Please." He plopped them down against the roof, next to a chimney that the purple cat, who Miles just recalled was terrified of heights, immediately clung to. "Thank you! Sorry!" He dropped, slipping back into the window and shutting it behind him.
"Are you the property owner?" A brusque voice spoke at the door at a volume that suggested it wasn't the first time he'd asked.
Yes! Thank you, Big. His substantial bulk concealed the room behind him, and its occupants, from the outside. He leapt the couch again to the final inhabitants of the room, Knuckles and Rouge, who had been locked in a deep, whispered conversation. Knuckles looked up.
"Hey, buddy. What's-"
Miles silently shushed him with a finger to his lips. They seemed sober enough, but Knuckles was a terrible liar.
"Broom closet. Both of you, now, next five minutes, no noise. Trust me, do or die important."
"The what, handsome?" Rouge smirked at him. "You have something in mind?"
"I know the way." Knuckles turned serious, grabbing Rouge's arm to lead her to the closet.
At least some people listened to him. Sometimes.
"Sir, if you don't start talking sense we're going to have to take you in for some questions. Do you understand?"
Miles grabbed a mop and bucket from within the closet before shutting the two of them in. He tipped over the bucket beside a puddle, smeared the mop across the worst of the mess, then loudly banged the mop handle off the bucket to clatter onto the floor.
"Ah Penders!" He snapped, loudly. "Who is it, Big?"
"I dono. Humans."
Miles made a big show of crunching towards the large cat, twisting his tails tightly together and dragging things into hammerspace as he walked. "Sorry, he's not much of a talker and I had to turn off the TV. It's been a heck of an eve-" He slowed to a halt as he got close enough to see - and be seen - around Big. Two blue uniformed SSPD officers stood in the hallway - exactly as he'd expected, which was the exact opposite to what his surprised reaction might suggest.
"Oh, good evening, officers!" He brushed off his sweater with a nervous smile. "I guess someone called about the noise, huh? Why don't you head inside and keep cleaning up, Big?"
"... Okay." Big turned, thudding back into the room, and revealing the desolation within.
"Jesus, son, what happened here?"
"Yeah, I'm really sorry. We were settling down with some drinks when Big tripped onto the table." Miles rubbed the back of his head with a grimace. "My fault, really, I left my chair out when I was grabbing the snacks."
"I see. And you two were alone, sir?"
"Hm? No, I already told our dates to head home. Perci and Staci the Bandicoot? You know them? They live around here."
"Uh, no, sir. Do you mind if we come in and take a look around?"
"Um… Sure, I guess. But be careful, and try not to break anything else. I'm already in so much trouble when Amy gets home." Miles withdrew into the hall. "Hey, Big, can you fill that bucket again? I kicked it over on my way to the door."
"'Amy', sir?"
"Amy Rose? The owner? I'm house sitting. Do you know her?"
"I'm sorry, sir. We don't." The taller officer took a long sniff. "Have you been consuming alcohol on the premises, sir?" His expression turned suspicious - well, more suspicious, as his colleague casually glanced from room to room.
"You don't? Man, wait til I tell Sonic. He'll get a kick out of that." Miles relaxed his tails.
"Sonic?" The officer caught sight of Miles' spiralling appendages just as intended. "Wait, it's you!"
The second policeman paused at the broom closet door, peering over.
"Oh, sorry!" Miles rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish grin. "I thought you recognised me from the award ceremony. I remember you being there."
He hoped. Most of the police force had been present.
"Gee, I'm sorry, Mister Tails, didn't recognise you at all."
Perfect. The officer's attitude had shifted completely, and the second officer was coming over, closet untouched.
"That's fine, it's the sweater, right? Amy knitted it for me." Miles waved it off with a smile. "As for drinks, sure, Big was drinking. I got a mouthful of his drink by mistake earlier on, but the girls I'm pretty sure were just on soda. Oh, that's not a problem is it?" He went wide eyed. "I know there's different laws in the human territories."
"Your friend is fine, Mister Tails, sir." The shorter human spoke up. "It only applies to uh, shorter mobians, such as yourself."
"Oh, well do I need to go down to the station or something? It was only a sip, but I don't want to-"
"Just a quick check on the breathalyser should be fine, sir." He pulled a yellow cylinder from his belt and dropped carefully to one knee in front of the much shorter fox. "Alright, just take a deep breath in, put your mouth over the mouthpiece and blow as hard as you can until I tell you to stop."
Miles complied, chest pounding, until the device beeped and the officer cheerfully bade him stop. Both of them peered at it as the shorter human straightened. Miles looked up them with a polite smile fixed on his face.
"There we are, call it a five?"
The taller officer nodded in agreement. "You're fine, mister Tails, technically shouldn't be drinking at all within city limits at your height, but since it was an accident and you're well below the limit we'll say no more about it. You going to be alright dealing with all this?"
"No problem, I'm stronger than I look." Miles winked, flexing an arm drowned in fabric. "And sorry again about the noise. I'm sure you're already busy tonight. It all got a bit crazy for a little while."
"No worries, it'll be something to tell my kids tomorrow. Hope you have a better one, Mister Tails. You too, big guy."
"Bye bye." Big looked up from where he'd been mopping the same section of floor in wide circles for most of the conversation, making a small wave.
A few Happy Christmases later and the police stepped out. Miles didn't hesitate, streaking at full speed into Amy's bedroom and out of the window before they could get down the stairs.
"Hi, Mister Tails!" Cream held up her blue coat, wearing a grin. "I told you I couldn't climb the stairs!"
"Can't stop, yell at you later." He dropped to the roof. "Sorry I took so long, I- oh, uh, okay."
Blaze had transferred from chimney to fox, and in much the same manner, arms, legs and tail all wrapped around him with crushing force.
Not the easiest flight he'd ever made, but… Miles grabbed Amy from where she shivered, slumped over next to Cream, found the least stressful place to grab Cream and dropped backwards once more, tails spinning below him. The front door was just opening as he shoved his two passengers in through the broken window and threw himself in after, rolling to a heap on the floor in the dark, Blaze still gripping him tight.
"Whew. We're all good now." Miles peeled the terrified cat off him with his tails.
"Tails, whass go'on?" Amy mumbled, rubbing her furless arms before rolling over on the floor with a grunt.
There was a knock at the door.
"Penders. Nobody make a noise. Blaze please help them. Cream for the love of Chaos put your clothes on."
He raced out, cracking open the door once more to see the shorter officer out in the hallway.
"Everything alright, officer?" He smiled, mind screaming on all cylinders.
"Oh, sure, we just saw your window was wide open, might want to shut that. It's going to be a cold one tonight."
"Really? I'll go close it now, thanks a lot! Goodnight!"
Miles shut the door once again, waited thirty seconds, then voided his hammerspace all across the floor, multiple shards of broken cups and plates, extra forks, a hammer, three extra jackets, two pairs of shoes, twenty-eight gifts, a chaos emerald and several dozen high yield incendiary bombs flumpfed across the floor with him as the epicentre. Miles scooped up the emerald, his own packages and probably all of the bombs with a sigh, slowly making his way towards the couch where he sat with an exhausted exhalation.
"Okay, Big. You can stop pretending to mop. I dunno if you were going to be staying the night or whatever, but I think the party's over. Knuckles, Rouge, same to you, coast is clear. Maybe give it a few minutes for the police to leave."
"Oh." Big stared at the mop in his hands as though trying to remember why it was there before plodding towards the door.
A few steadying breaths later, Miles shoved himself back to his feet, snagging a surviving glass of eggnog that had still retained some of its contents thanks to wedging up against a pair of mince pies and taking a deep gulp.
At least he'd learned the true meaning of Christmas in the end: Cleaning up everyone else's mess, lying to the authorities and telling a six year old to put their darn clothes. Then turning to alcohol to cope.
Miles swished the sweet liquid in his mouth for a moment as he walked over to Amy's bedroom, slamming the window closed with a weary sigh.
It wasn't even one of the glasses with booze in it.
"Heeeey."
A pink face poked over the edge of Amy's massive, human size bed. Somehow all three of them had made it up, with Cream's blue coat draped over the edge but the rabbit thankfully now wearing the short gold dress she'd purchased the week before - if backwards - while she dozed drooling atop Amy's Sonic plush.
"Hey." Miles stepped over. "Sobered up a little?"
"Been outside helped." Amy smiled, swinging her hand for him and overbalancing.
Miles grabbed her and pushed her back onto the bed. Not helped much, clearly.
"Did police arrest errybody?"
"Nope. I, uh, got everybody out before they got caught."
"You're so smart." Amy wrapped her arms around his head, squeezing his skull with deadly force.
"We're just lucky Blaze wasn't on the eggnog tonight." Miles popped free of her vicelike grip. "I don't know what I'd have done if she wasn't there to watch you two."
"Pffffft." Amy started giggling uncontrollably.
"What?" Miles frowned, then eventually tried again when she'd calmed down a bit. "What?"
"She drank loads. Everybody was drinking eggnog excep Shadow." Amy started giggling again. "He was drinking choccy milk!" She collapsed with laughter onto the bed, kicking Cream in the head in the process.
"Shadow? But he- but she- they-" Miles yelped as he was dragged up onto the bed.
Sure enough, Blaze was laid on the far side of Cream, now clinging to the plushy him, tongue stuck partway out of her lips. She, like Cream, was dead to the world.
"Oh." Well… Worked out fine anyway.
"There." Amy gracelessly deposited him face first onto the bed between the three of them. "Alll comfy."
"Amy," Miles pushed himself upright. "I need to clean up out there, it's-"
A gloved finger pressed across his lips.
"Shhh." Amy giggled again, then pressed her elbow against his nose, making him flinch at her icy flesh. "It's bedtime," she whispered.
"It's not even ten." Miles held up his wrist, but Amy ignored it, grabbing instead one of his tails and wrapping it around her shoulders.
"Wh-what are you doing?!"
"You. Are. Fluffy." She pushed her face close to his, green eyes staring into his own. "And I am cold. Silly plushy."
Miles rolled his eyes.
"I'm not your plushy. Go wrestle Blaze or Cream for one."
"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Amy scowled. "No, you're not getting away. They stole my boys so I'm stealin' you. And you'll stay right here because I asked you to. Right?" She pouted her lips at him, batting her eyelashes, though not quite with Cream's practised precision.
"Ughhhh. Fine." He sighed. This was truth or dare night all over again. He'd just wait until she was asleep and slip out then.
"Good boy." Amy patted his cheek with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll share."
She threw his other tail over Cream. Miles blinked in surprise. Evidently she wasn't planning on sharing with him? What the heck was he supposed to do spread out like this?
"So lucky." Amy sighed. "Why can't my hero do as he's told, huh?"
"I'm not a hero." Miles shrugged, quietly recovering his tail before Cream rolled on it. "Just a sidekick."
"Pfffft." Amy punched him in the shoulder hard enough to flatten him sideways onto the bed. Physics, and his tail, dragged her along for the ride, earning him an elbow in the neck in the process. "Ooof! Brute."
"You did that!" Miles snapped. "Now-"
Amy pushed her finger across his lips, swaying slightly.
"You silly fox." Amy poked him in the chest, still wrapped in his tail. "You used to be so cool. Why can't you be cool old Tails?"
"You're older than me."
She poked him again, then blinked, glancing at the much abused plant still dangling from her hairband.
"Hey... look! Mistletoe!" She puckered her lips, straining towards him.
"Amy, come on, you're-"
She passed out, head falling forward. Miles let out a poorly suppressed scream as her forehead spines stabbed into his face on the way down.
"Everything alright in here?" Knuckles poked his head around the door, peering at the bed with a frown.
Oh thank Yamaguchi. Miles reached out to his friend, one hand clutched over his eye, wordlessly mouthing for help.
"Heh. Nice." Knuckles gave him a thumbs up and walked away.
A moment later, Miles heard the fridge open, and the echidna walked back past the doorway holding a bottle of spirits. The broom closet shut once more.
Miles flopped over with a sigh as Cream rolled off her plush, soft snores going directly into his ear, blood trickling down his cheek.
"Being a sidekick sucks."