In this eleventh game review of the story, Athena Cykes finds out what is bad about Wally Bear and the NO! Gang for the NES, a game aimed for teaching kids not to take drugs.

Athena Cykes' Game Review of Wally Bear and the NO! Gang

"Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. Now the first thing that baffles me about this game is the actual cartridge.", introduced Athena Cykes as she examined the game cartridge, "I mean, look at this; it doesn't look like any other NES game. And what's this button for? 'PRESS HERE'? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, 'PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK'. Like if some kid's gonna be like, 'Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?'"

She places the game on the NES, turning it on and began playing from the title screen.

The orange-haired attorney began, "So anyway, we start off with the title screen of a deformed bear with sunglasses riding a skateboard. A stereotypical anti-drug corporate waste of imagination. You can choose between one and two players...if you're lucky enough to have a friend who would actually play this piece of shit with ya.", before synopsizing, "Okay, here's the plot. You're the ultra hip, skateboard schmuck Wally Bear. Your Uncle Gary Grizzly wants you to gather up your straight-edge friends, and head over to his house for a party. Wally must reach his Uncle's house before dark, or at least before the timer runs out, before he loses all his lives...but every bird and attack dog on the block wants you dead, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that besides just jump for your life. You can get items like pizzas, frisbees, or hubcaps to throw at enemies. And you can't really hit birds because they just dart across the screen. Now why would a bird wanna kill a skateboarding bear anyway?", before going on to say, "The levels are just incredibly repetitive. Like, literally. The same backgrounds are used over and over again, kinda like in a Flintstones cartoon- If you notice, durin' a driving scene, it's just the same stuff in the background, being repeated over and over again. The only difference is that The Flintstones was entertaining, but this... this is just a piece of fuck. There's also this asshole named Ricky the Rat who's trying to knock you off your skateboard and turn you into a heroin junkie. You also have to prevent a poodle from getting her radio stolen, stop a lizard from drunk driving, and deal with other things that either want you to die or want you to snort crack up your bear snout."; as she was playing, she examined the gameplay through multiple outcomes throughout the stage, "The music in this game just fucking sucks too. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you wanna puke. So rather than that, just turn down the volume, and just turn off the fucking game."

With that said, Athena turns the game off as usual and puts the game away.

Sighing, Athena discussed, "Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters trying to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was McGruff, or Pee Wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny, and Miss Piggy. And...this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless...you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs...", before pulling out a fresh new bottle of orange juice and taking a drink from it, "...and let's say NO to this fucking game.", but also not before she pointed out in conclusion, "It has just come to my attention...that there was a Wally Bear hotline. 1-800-HI-WALLY. Now, you wouldn't think that after like 20 years that number would still be functional. But, somewhere...in some old dusty basement...Wally Bear still lives..."

The thought of her last sentence made her quiver a bit nervously, that was until her courage gets the best of her.

"You know what, fuck that. Moving on.", scoffed Athena, casually saying this as her review ended while she drinks more from her bottle of orange juice.

End of Athena Cykes' Game Review of Wally Bear and the NO! Gang

Up Next: Athena Cykes' Game Review of Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu