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A Month Later, Galactica
Bill Adama had another headache on his hands. Literally and figuratively.
Three years earlier-less than a year before the Cylon attack on The Colonies, Bill Adama had let a Black Ops mission near the Armistice Line with The Cylons. The events that led to Novacek's imprisonment weren't known to anyone in The Fleet, except Saul Tigh and Admiral Adama, and now Danny Novacek. The story that Bill had stuck to over the years was that the black ops mission that he, as Commander of the Battlestar Valkyrie had been sent on, was to get troublesome Tauron's off a moon they were mining that was dangerously close to the Armistice Line with the Cylons, that had ended the last war.
It was a lie.
And part of that lie Danny Novacek didn't know about.
The purpose of the mission was to get a steal recon ship over the armistice line, to try and take a peek into Cylon territory, to see if they were building a formidable military force.
The Adar Administration, of which President Laura Roslin had been a part of, never knew this had happened. A Cylon Raider jumped in, damaged Novacek's ship, then jumped out, two more jumping in a few moments later. They were making a beeline for Bulldog's ship.
But the Cylons didn't shoot him down. Adama did, to protect the mission. That was the part Novacek didn't know.
Bulldog was back, and the mental trauma of that mission, and what it had meant, were flooding back to Bill Adama. He had fraked up, and left a friend to die.
He wasn't sure how to handle this one.
"Why do you think you never fought them off, after the first time, or never yelled or screamed?"
Dr. Tribe had been slowly working up to what Kara had endured in the prison on New Caprica. They had worked their way chronologically from her childhood, through Zak's death, to her hot/cold relationship with Lee, then onto the Doll House episode, and through her falling in love with and marrying Laura. All of it needed to come out.
Kara shrugged. "I didn't want to show any weakness, I guess. I wanted them to think they weren't gonna break me."
"Just as you didn't want your mother to see that she hadn't broken you-or did she? Just as you put on a good front after Zak was killed-you didn't want anyone to think Starbuck had been broken by it. Or had she?"
Kara was silent for the moment.
"Kara", Dr. Tribe continued, "I know at first you wondered why I want to delve back to when you were a child, but I think you're seeing why, aren't you? You've always been the kind to keep everything in, tightly held, not wanting to show weakness. That serves you well as a fighter pilot, and in the military in general, but you're not always a fighter pilot. Sometimes you're just Kara."
"Are you saying it's my fault that I reacted to Laura the way I did in the shower? That it was because of my weakness? Frak you!" She spat the word at the psychologist. Kara stood up as if wanting to leave.
But she hesitated, sitting back down after a few moments.
"No, I'm not saying that, Kara", Dr. Tribe said softly, "but the fact is, you don't let things out. Yes, you cried in Laura's arms when you came back, but you have never found that pressure valve to get rid of all the negativity that has built up in you over so many years.
"Look, you've seen more shit than I ever will, and I'm more than twice as old as you. You've seen horrors I can't imagine. We need to find a way to let all the anger, and shame, and even guilt that you feel, out in a healthy way."
"I thought that's what I was doing when I'd get shit-faced, or decided to frak most of the ship-it was a way to cope."
"But it wasn't, Kara", the doctor persisted. "It was a means to cover what you were feeling. And drinking to oblivion, and having sex with everyone isn't healthy, is it?" She gave Kara a smile at that moment, which at first seemed odd to Starbuck, but Kara had to smile back.
"No, it's not." Kara pondered for a few moments. "Is it possible I reacted to Laura in the shower-maybe I was revolting against so many times in the past I'd used sex to escape from the bad things in my life, and then..."
"And then what?" The doctor was letting Kara take the lead.
"Then I thought, perhaps...perhaps that the rapes I went through in the prison, were no different than all the sex I had had before...I don't know if that makes any frakin' sense."
"Maybe not, but I think you're on the right track." Dr. Tribe paused herself. "Sex, in and of itself isn't a bad think, Kara. We both know that. The act of sex, when it's consensual, is a wonderful, beautiful thing, even if it's only a one-night stand. That alone doesn't make it bad. But when it's used as a crutch for our problems? Or when it's forced upon us, sometimes that line can seem blurred."
"And so I guess I reacted to Laura, subconsciously, the way I wanted to react to Leoben and Sharon violating me-how my subconscious, maybe, reacted every time I fraked someone just to frak them?"
"What do you think?"
"I hate when you do that, Caroline", Kara said with a wry grin, despite the subject matter. "I think maybe I am. I lost my virginity at thirteen, when I'd leave the house at night, to get away from my mom's abuse. I've been using sex as a crutch for so long...and now, I'm married, and I think maybe it scares me that someone wants to have sex with me because they honestly, truly love me?" Tears began cascading down her cheeks. "And really, besides Laura, the only two people I've had sex with who honest loved me before, which were Zak and Sam, are both dead. And maybe I feel that I didn't deserve such love-that I deserved simply being fraked as an object to frak, or to be raped."
Kara's shoulders now racked with sobs, as the full force of the events in her life hit her. She fell into Caroline Tribe's arms, crying unabashedly.
Dr. Tribe put her arms around the younger women, a smile on her face. It never ceased to amaze her how even though she was the one that had the clinical degree, it was more often than not the patients she saw that figured it out for themselves. "You've never truly loved yourself, Kara", she said softly to the crying woman. "That's the first step in to giving yourself fully to someone that you love-you have to love yourself first."
Kara's tears suddenly stopped, as she broke the embrace and looked at the doctor. "The problem isn't who I want to love...it's loving, and accepting myself, simply for who I am?"
"It isn't simple", Dr. Tribe added. "There's nothing simply about discovering that. It's taking you over twenty four years of your life to find that answer. And only you could find it, and only you can act on it."
"Maybe it's possible I'll learn to love myself, simply by letting Laura show me that I'm worth loving?"
"It could be, Kara", Dr. Tribe said. "You've come a long way over the last month. I don't think we're quite there yet, but I think you're figuring things out."
Kara let a few more tears down. "I hurt Laura so bad when I ran out of the shower. And yet she's stood next to me through all of this."
"That's what love is, Kara."
Kara's head snapped up to look at the doctor, who had become a friend. "It is, isn't it?"
Laura held a meeting with Admiral Adama and Lieutenant Novacek later that afternoon. Afterward, she was to pick Kacey up from school, then head back to Colonial One to be with her wife.
Laura had questioned both the Admiral and Bulldog about the mission. Bill had told her what Laura had already known, being a member of the Adar Administration.
"Let me try and understand exactly what happened to you", the President said gently to Lieutenant Novacek all right." She briefly paused. "About a year prior to The Cylon attack on The Colonies, you were on a mission with Admiral Adama, is that correct?"
Bulldog glanced over at the Admiral, who nodded that he could tell her.
He then nodded his head. "It was, uh, a Black Ops mission", he began. "You remember that the Tauron colonists were such outlaws, always pushing their luck with the Admiralty every chance they got."
"Right", Laura nodded, remembering all of that from a Cabinet meeting with President Adar.
Bill spoke up. "The Taurons were drilling for Tylium ore on a moon that was too close to the Cylon Armistice Line."
Roslin looked at Bill, then at Bulldog, then back to Adama. Bulldog had nodded his head, knowing that part of the cover-up.
"We knew that they had to get out of there", Adama said, referring to the Taurons, "or risk provoking The Cylons."
Tory Foster was taking notes for the President, and she raised a question. "I'm sorry, but how did this result in his ship being shot down?"
Laura felt something wasn't right, but held her peace-for now.
"He was my recon pilot. He was there to gather evidence. The Taurons must have seen us coming, because they ambushed him. Lieutenant Novacek was shot down by the Taurons in cold blood."
Laura looked over at Tory briefly, not wanting to let Adama think she had some suspicions about the story. She turned back to the Admiral. "So what did you do?"
The Admiral looked at Laura, and, with this part of the answer, was honest. "I made a bad call. His ship was gone; no ejection on Dradis; no distress call. He was dead. So I left."
For a moment there was dead silence.
Tory finally spoke up, somewhat confused. "But the Lieutenant did eject, obviously, and somehow survived in his ejection seat long enough for The Cylons to find him. Wow." She glanced around, then began jotting more notes in her pad.
Laura was ready to burst. All her instincts told her something was awry.
"Could you both give us a moment, please", she said, referring to Tory and Bulldog. "Thank you Tory, thank you Lieutenant, I appreciate it."
Tory escorted Bulldog out of the room.
Laura looked at Bill with hard eyes for a few moment, Adama passively looking back. She gave him a wry, knowing smile.
"So are you gonna tell me what really happened?"
"You're gonna have to trust me on this one, OK", he replied shortly. "This is my mess, and I'll fix it."
Laura looked at him for a few more moments, her face as impassive as she could get. She stood up, and without a look back, left the Admiral's quarters.
Laura arrived back with Kacey on Colonial One at 1630, and informed Tory, who had come back with her, that she was going to their quarters.
Kara could hear Kacey in the hallway, as she was starting to prepare dinner for her family. Her face lit up in a smile as Kacey burst through the door.
"And then Ms. Rogers told Anthony he was being bad, and put him in the corner." She giggled as she finished her story.
"As long as you weren't bad, young Lady", Laura laughed, coming into view of Kara.
"Hey, how are my girls?" Kara looked at both of them with a smile. Kacey ran up to her.
"Momma, I had a excellent day!" Kara picked her up, Kacey planting a kiss on Starbuck's cheek.
"Sounds like Anthony didn't have a good day", Kara said with a laugh, kissing her daughter back. "Hey, why don't you wash up and get ready for dinner while Mom and I talk, OK?"
"OK", Kacey said, skipping to her room.
The two women looked at each other and laughed. "She is a handful", Kara said, sauntering over to her wife.
"Just like her momma", Laura said, wrapping Kara in a gentle hug, and kissing her tenderly on the lips. "Mmm, my day just improved a lot."
Kara giggled into the kiss. "Madam President had a tough day?"
"You have no idea." The kiss deepened. "How long til dinner is ready?"
"About a half hour", Kara responded. How about some wine, and we can talk over our day for a little bit."
"Best offer I've had all day, baby", Laura said, catching Kara's lips in another hot kiss.
Kara went for the drinks, as Laura sat down, kicking off her shoes and flexing her feet.
Kara returned with two half-full glasses. "Maybe I'll give you a foot massage later."
"Oh", Laura said with delight, "that would certainly help." She grabbed her glass of wine, and as Kara sat down, they clinked them together. "So can you tell me how things went with Caroline today?"
Kara went over the breakthrough they seemingly had, Laura not seeing her wife this happy since the first night they made love to each other.
"The problem isn't you, or The Cylons, or Zak, or Sam. It's me, I guess, Laura. I've never liked myself. I've always felt like a misfit, being raised how I was, and always getting into trouble. I finally realized, today, really for the first time in my life, that I have to learn to accept and love myself for who I am. If I don't", she said, her mouth quivering a little, "then I will probably eventually lose you and Kacey."
Laura kissed Kara on the forehead, and, as if on cue, Kacey bounded into the room and landed on her momma's lap, knocking Kara into the back of the couch.
"Oof!" Kara let out a laugh as Kacey tackled her, but the blonde woman was loving it. "Little lady, you might have a future in Pyramid in you!"
"C-Bucks rule!" Kacey yelled. Kara had talked to her about Sam, telling her that if she had a real daddy, it was Same.
Laura laughed loudly. "Did she learn that from you?"
Kara giggled. "Heck yes", she said, watching language around her daughter. "I told her how Sam was a pro player. She obviously doesn't understand much of it, but she's seen some old game recording on the video displays."
"That's good that she'll know something about Sam. He was a good man."
"He was", Kara said, for the first time not feeling overtly sad about Sam passing. She had always gone into the dumps when thinking of his death, but it had been quite a while now, and she was realizing that she had to move forward-Sam would want that. "I know I shouldn't probably say this much, but he's always gonna be a part of me, babe."
"Oh, Kara", Laura said, softly shaking her head. "I want you to keep Sam and Zak in your heart-always. They were important to you, and that makes them important to me. Don't ever stop thinking of them, OK?"
Kara nodded, almost shyly. "So how was your day, Madam President?"
Laura took a sip of her wine, then told Kara about the mysterious arrival of Daniel Novacek.
"Bulldog?"
Laura was shocked that Kara knew his Call Sign, let alone his name. "You've heard of him?"
"Yeah, I mean the Old Man said he was one of the best pilots he's ever worked with. Said the guy was like ice in a cockpit. You're saying he escaped from a Cylon Baseship?"
"That's what he said. He came in on a Raider-driving one kind of like you did, and said he killed a humanoid Cylon, then escaped."
"How the frak do you get off a Baseship?" Kara was stunned.
"I don't know all the details. Do you know any of the story behind his disappearance?"
"Just what the Admiral told me: something about Tauron miners near the Armistice Line, and that Bulldog was shot down."
"That's what Bill told me as well."
Laura said it with such a flat voice that it made her wife look at her oddly. "You don't believe him?"
"He told me to trust him, Kara, and that this was his frak-up, and he'll fix it."
Kara raised her eyebrows. "What the hell does that mean?" She went quiet for a few minutes. "Do you mind if I take Kacey to school tomorrow, and check up on a few things on Galactica? Something isn't right about this, and it's got my interest."
Laura looked surprised. "You sure you're up to going over there? I know you've been hesitant so far, honey?"
"Today's session was tough, but I think it's finally unlocked things for me. I need to start living a little again."
"You haven't been cleared to fly yet", Laura reminded her.
"I know. I'll just do what you. Just have the Raptor hear when it's time, and I'll head over."
"Well, since I need to go there in the morning-as usual", she said with an impish grin, "we'll make it a family affair, OK?"
"OK, my love." Kacey had scrambled into her room to play, and it gave the women a moment alone. "Laura", Kara said seriously, "you've been...I don't know if I could have been as patient as as selfless as you've been since...sing that morning. I'm getting there, I promise", Kara said, grabbing both of Laura's hands. "I love you with everything I have. Just be a little more patient with me."
Laura leaned in toward her spouse. "Kara, I'll wait forever, if I have to. You're worth all the effort, baby. When you're ready for us to be intimate, that's when it'll happen. Until then, I'm not going anywhere."
They kissed softly, but with an undercurrent of desperation, knowing the last few months had been trying for all of them.