A/N: I'm alive.
Hi. I know that after the crazy long wait, the last thing you want to do is read a super long A/N. So I'm going to talk a lot more at the end of the chapter, and I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to read it over.
Warnings: brief mentions of past abuse
After the mall incident, time seems to speed by too fast for Murasaki to get a grip on anything.
Student council becomes a whirlwind of setting up final-exam prep activities, approving end-of-term activities for clubs, and preparing for the incoming first-years in April. Murasaki and Yuki start staying after school later and later to help with prep, and when they both realize one morning that they're too exhausted to get up for their morning runs, they decide to put exercise on hiatus until after the start of the new term.
Some part of Murasaki is aware that she misses the additional time with Yuki, but a combination of exhaustion and denial keeps her from thinking about it too much.
It's not until White Day that she's hit with an event which forces her to slow down, to ask questions.
~.~
Yuki had informed her earlier in the week that he'd be going to an onsen with the Soma household (plus Tohru) for the weekend. At the time, Murasaki had suspected he'd told her so she would be aware of him being out of contact for school-related planning and such.
But now, staring at the package on her doorstep, address written in with Yuki's unmistakable handwriting, she wonders if he was actually trying to apologize for his inability to personally deliver something to her. It sounds like the kind of silly, chivalrous thing that Yuki would worry about.
Despite herself, Murasaki finds her fingertips running fondly over his handwriting, as she carries the package inside. She takes a seat at her coffee table and unwraps the gift carefully, fold by fold.
This is not the kind of care you should afford a boy you're not even allowed to like, her mind supplies her.
There's a small box inside, no bigger than a deck of cards. Her pulse beats an insistent drum against her chest.
This is not the kind of excitement you should feel for a boy who's in love with your best friend. With Tohru.
The box opens to reveal a delicate, silver necklace. On it is a strip of silver, with a thin etching of a single word in elegant script. Saki.
She pulls the necklace from the box, fingers shaking.
This is not the kind of gift you receive from someone who doesn't like you, cherish you.
Where denial once was, now there lives conflict. Confusion.
Hope.
"Yuki," she whispers to her empty apartment. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"You're in love with Saki-chan, aren't you?" Tohru says later, while she and Yuki are on a bridge in the onsen garden, staring at the darkened mountains and the winking stars.
He turns to the girl beside him, surprised.
"What?"
Tohru smiles. "You just seem so happy when you're with her. Like you've found your candle in a dark room. Like she lights up your day."
Yuki sighs, turning to stare down at the small creek below them.
"It's foolish of me," he murmurs. "... but yes. I am in love with her."
He's surprised by how easy the confession is. Since that day at the mall, he felt as if it should be some big secret, some stolen fancy he should express in every way except words, and to no one but Saki.
But, as usual, Tohru has a knack for uncovering his secrets.
"Yuki-kun, I don't think love is ever foolish," she says, putting a gentle hand on his forearm. "You should tell her."
He sighs again.
"I think I already have. I just hope she was listening."
When Murasaki arrives at school the next Monday, she goes straight to the student council room and gets to work.
It's empty. She's painfully early- by design. Too much of the weekend was spent speculating and getting nothing done, so now she's trying to find quiet spaces wherever she can, time to breathe and be alone with some paperwork and something to do with her hands.
This, at least, is easy. Monotonous club approvals, filing, planning, scheduling. These are things she's good at, things she knows how to do. Dealing with Yuki Soma and his not-so-mixed-anymore signals, thinking about the necklace pressing against her collarbone, that's twisted and complex.
But paperwork is simple. She can do paperwork.
When Yuki arrives at the morning council meeting, it's with barely a minute to spare, and he slips into the seat Saki saved for him without thinking much of it, too busy trying to set straight the plans in his mind about the opening ceremony in a few weeks.
But his mind screeches to a halt as soon as he looks at her properly.
"Good morning," she murmurs.
"...good morning."
She's beautiful. Not the bright-eyed, rosy-cheeks, lip-gloss beautiful they talk about in bad romance novels. She looks like she's been here for hours already: her hair is coming out of a messy ponytail, her fingertips are stained slightly red with ink from the approval stamps, and by God she is the most beautiful person Yuki has ever seen.
Because in her eyes is a rare and startling emotion, one Yuki prays with all his heart he isn't imagining.
Hope.
Maybe this isn't so foolish after all.
Days pass.
Yuki doesn't say anything, and Murasaki decides not to ask.
It's one thing to have your mind swirling with questions when you're alone, staring at your bedroom ceiling and playing with a silver chain between your fingertips.
It's another to be confronted with Yuki: his soft smiles, his quiet suggestions spoken in a tone of voice that is both delicate and true, the kind of sounds people lean in and hush to hear. Hoping for Yuki in theory and hoping for him in person are infinitely different. And the latter is so much more difficult.
So they work in mutual silence, exchanging notes, saving seats. On the surface, it seems like nothing has changed.
But it's there. The silence. The questions. The hope.
~.~
"Saki-chan? Are you alright? You've seemed troubled for the past few days now," Tohru says over lunch. Murasaki blinks, staring down at a bento she realizes she's barely even touched.
"I…" she turns to see that Uou and Hana are both eyeing her intently, faces creased in worry. "I'm fine. Just… student council is really busy right now, with the end of the year. We're planning for the opening ceremony in two weeks, and it's honestly a mess."
It's not completely a lie. Student council was given a new set of opening-ceremony-first-day instructions from administration recently, and they had to throw all their plans out the window and start from scratch. It's been chaotic to say the least.
But that's not what's really on her mind.
"Well, if you need to whip any first-year punks into shape, you know I'm always available," Uou says with a smirk, smacking her fist against her palm and grinning.
"Yes, do let us know if you need our… help," Hana says, a small zap of electricity crackling around her.
Murasaki and Tohru both sweatdrop.
"V-violence isn't the answer-"
"I don't know if that's really the kind of help the council is looking for…"
Yuki has been trying to spend the last two weeks justifying his fear of breaking the spell.
He'd thought hoping would be bad, that silence would be too painful. That's why he sent her the necklace in the first place. But now that she's given him reason to hope, he's beginning to wonder if it's worth risking the delicate balance they have.
It's nice to feel like he could have something, if he only worked up the courage to ask. The idea of being proven incorrect, of being told that he's been misreading this entire situation, terrifies Yuki.
So now it's April 7th, and the opening ceremony is a madhouse for the student council.
"What? What do you mean they're missing-"
"Do we have any extra forms? Some of the students are asking for extras-"
"Who's taking third corridor on the west side? Is anyone supervising the courtyard?"
"I put them all in the box yesterday what do you mean they're missing-"
The council room actually looks like a warzone. To their credit, everyone is actually working quite efficiently. The idea of giving everyone in the student council a black clipboard with a copy if the day's event schedule and plans was a good one, especially because it gives first years another visual cue for identifying council members if they need anything.
It was Saki's idea, though, so maybe he's biased. Something about "concert usher shortcuts". He was surprised when she pitched it, mentioning her past in music performance, but maybe after the events of the tabloid, she's holding a looser rein on that secret.
And, objectively, it was a good idea.
"Yuki? We've been assigned to first south corridor. You ready?"
And there's the mastermind herself.
She looks startlingly in-her-element, despite the chaos of the council room. Not a hair out of place, clipboard in hand, a pencil stuck straight through her ponytail. Yuki can't help his smile.
"Yes, let's go."
It's no sooner than they arrive at the south corridor that they're practically mobbed with questions.
And Murasaki can't help but notice that most of the questions are from first year girls, and most of them are directed at Yuki.
Actually, all of them.
"I lost my notebook-"
"My student ID number is-"
"My name is Hoshiumi Mizuki and I-"
"-971354 and I put it in a pink card-holder-"
"It's a green pencil silver detailing-"
"-and my blood type is AB-"
"Soma-senpai!"
She might feel sorry for him if she wasn't so busy trying not to laugh.
"Need a hand?" she pipes up, swiftly taking her place by Yuki's side and making it more than abundantly clear that she is also a student council member who can answer "questions".
The crowd dissipates a few minutes later, with more than a few disappointed pouts.
And Murasaki turns to find herself faced with Kyo, Tohru, a short, blonde student in a girl's uniform, and Hatsuharu Soma.
Haru.
The werecow.
He's a student here?
Shit. I'm not supposed to know who he is.
Yuki turns to Murasaki, giving her a questioning look, as if offering to "introduce" her, but she shakes her head, plastering on a smile and gripping her clipboard to her chest.
"Do you have this hallway handled, Yuki? I should head back to the council room for … supplies. They probably need help with tables," she lies, and he nods, understanding.
"You do that, I'll be fine here," he replies, offering her a soft smile as she goes. It's only because she's known Yuki so long that she knows that smile hides an apology and a promise to make it up to her later.
Again, with the ridiculous, chivalrous things he worries about, she can't help but think, grinning slightly and exiting the hallway.
They don't know this, but a few floors below, peering up at them through a window facing into the school courtyard, God watches their smiles. God studies the curve of their lips, the softness of their gazes. God observes their quiet understanding and youthful hope.
And God judges them.
"You must be Yuki's friend."
Murasaki is stopped in her tracks by a voice. The bright sunlight shines harshly on the surrounding courtyard, but Murasaki, in the shade of a central willow tree, feels a chill run down her spine.
She turns around to see an older, darker, sadder, more empty version of Yuki.
"Ah, but how rude of me. Let me introduce myself. My name is Akito. Soma Akito," Empty Yuki says, bowing slightly.
Another Soma.
"Fourteen. There's one more member…"
Murasaki swallows the terrible feeling of uneasiness working its way up her throat and bows in return.
"Murasaki Kaname. And yes, I am Yuki's friend. What can I do for you, sir?"
Akito laughs, and the sound sends another chill back up Murasaki's neck.
"No need to be so formal, Murasaki-kun. I'd like us all to get along. However. I am looking for-"
"Akito!"
"Ah, there he is."
Yuki is on his way to the student council room when he sees them through a window.
Akito.
Akito at his school.
With Saki.
His breath stops, and his fingertips go numb.
Yuki dashes towards the stairwell, tearing his way down the hallways and bursting into the courtyard where they're standing.
"Akito!"
"Ah, there he is," Akito's familiar voice slithers, and Yuki feels his body becoming stiff and unmoving.
"What did you do to her? What did you do to Saki?" Yuki demands, heart a sparrow in his chest, trying to fly away.
He hates how his voice trembles, but at the very least, Saki looks physically unharmed. Her eyes don't hold any fear, just confusion and perhaps wariness.
But she looks okay.
"We were just saying hello. Weren't we ... Saki-kun."
"Don't call her that!" Yuki shouts, the words bursting out of him before he can stop them. Immediately, Akito's eyes narrow into slits.
"Yuki. You would do well to remember," Akito puts a hand on Yuki's face, and everything falls away. It is just Akito and that dark, insidious room again- "the difference between us and the outsiders." Akito spits the word "outsiders" so hard, Yuki jumps, startled, scared.
His heart is pounding out of his chest, but every other part of him, every other useless wretched part, is paralyzed.
Some irrational, reckless part of Murasaki jumps forth in the instant between her emotions and her thoughts, and she quickly steps between the two Somas and pushes Akito's arm away from Yuki, breaking their contact.
"I'm not an outsider," she blurts.
Akito's eyes narrow at her, but Murasaki stands her ground.
"I-I may not know everything about Yuki. I may not be a family member. To be honest, there are so many things I wish I knew, but I don't." Akito glares at Murasaki as she continues. "But that's okay. I'm his classmate. I'm his fellow class rep. And I'm his friend. And what I do know is that whoever you are, Yuki clearly doesn't want to see you. So please leave, we both have work to do," she says, willing her voice to be steady.
For a split second, Murasaki is actually glad that she went to the academy. Years of public, high-pressure competitions trained her for this moment, to have a steady voice and a steady hand even in this moment of terror.
She has been trained by that which she so desperately hates to protect that which she so desperately cherishes.
Akito's eyes are locked with hers, dark pupils like little black tunnels of endless darkness.
And then, The older Soma's lips curve into a sinister smile.
"Yuki, just look at her. Look at this cute little thing."
Akito takes the hand that was previously on Yuki's face, and wraps it around Murasaki's hand, the very hand which broke that contact.
"Look at this tiny, adorable hand, Yuki, on this tiny, adorable girl. Do you think this hand would have protected you if she knew? Oh Yuki, you poor thing. Protected-" Akito squeezes Murasaki's wrist so hard it feels ready to break "- by ignorance," Akito growls.
The pain is so sudden and so sharp that Murasaki cannot hold back her yelp of surprise, or the wince that follows.
"Akito, stop!" Yuki shouts.
And then Akito relaxes, smiling in victory.
"Of course, dear," the older Soma says, releasing Murasaki's hand. It falls limply to her side.
"Visit me soon, Yuki darling," Akito says, walking across the courtyard and disappearing around a corner.
For April, it is eerie how not a single bird is singing that day.
As soon as Akito is out of sight, Yuki rushes to look at Saki's hand, carefully lifting her arm with one of his hands, leaning in to assess the damage.
It's flushed almost red, blotched with points of contact that look like fingerprints, almost certain to bruise later. The sight sends Yuki's blood boiling and his stomach churning. An apology is tumbling from his mouth before he can stop it.
"Saki, I'm so sorry, you're always so careful with your hands and-"
"You still have to drop off your clipboard, right?"
She smiles at him, nodding towards the clipboard in Yuki's other hand. He realizes he's clutching it against his chest, knuckles white, the sides of the object leaving line-shaped indents in his skin.
"Yes," is the only reply he can seem to muster.
She smiles at him, the expression full of some wonderful, inexplicable warmth.
"Me too. Let's walk to the student council room together," she says, still smiling, and then she pinches the wrist of one of his sleeves and pulls him out from under the shade of the courtyard willow tree and towards the school buildings.
And that's when he sees it.
The light sparkle of silver fastenings against the back of her neck. The delicate chain of a familiar necklace.
It stops him in his tracks, and Saki senses his pause, turning around to tilt her head in question.
"I'm sorry I'm such a coward," he whispers, stricken.
A gentle hand slips into his. Saki is smiling softly, in a way that makes Yuki feel impossibly forgiven.
"It is not cowardice to be afraid," she says.
And then she takes his hand, and they walk away from that courtyard, away from that shady April afternoon. Together.
They return to their morning jogs that Saturday.
Murasaki meets Yuki at their usual spot. They run in silence. The air is crisp with a springtime chill that promises the oncoming thaw of summer heatwaves. The hills are steep, but not too steep.
And later, when they're leaned against the door frame of her kitchen entrance, each taking sips out of tall glasses of barley tea, Yuki says-
"You're wearing the necklace."
Murasaki tries to take a breath, and finds that all of the air has escaped the room. Her eyes are refusing to look at him, instead fixed on a spot to the left.
"Yes, I am," she manages to say.
"You were wearing it the other day too. During the entrance ceremony," Yuki says.
Murasaki pauses, considers her next words carefully, and then takes the terrifying leap.
"I'm always wearing it," she murmurs, voice low and nervous. "I love it."
Her breath catches when a hand comes to trace the strip of silver resting against her throat, Yuki's gentle touch brushing against her skin.
"I was afraid before," he whispers, expression thoughtful. "But I'm tired of being ruled by fear."
Their eyes meet. His are like storm clouds, like smoke. The eye contact strikes a match against her skin, and she goes up in flames.
Murasaki closes her eyes.
~.~
The romance novels have it all wrong.
There's this cliche, this trope. That a kiss, a good kiss, the right kiss, is supposed to steal your breath away. That it's supposed to make your heart stop.
Her breath was already gone with his fingertips against her skin. Her heart stopped the moment he looked at her and she understood what he was going to do, the way she always understands what he's going to do before he does it.
The kiss.
The kiss gives it all back.
It's like relearning how to breathe, relearning how to be. She didn't have a heartbeat before Yuki. She didn't even know air.
Every moment is like that startling first breath when you break the surface of the lake, sweet and all consuming, a relief because suddenly, Murasaki doesn't know how she was ever living without this.
Without him.
When they pull away, their hands instinctively tangle into a clasp of intertwined fingers, reluctant to be too far apart, their foreheads pressed together. Breathless.
"I didn't know I could get this close," Yuki says after a minute, "without transforming. I was scared I'd..."
She shushes him.
"If you had, I'd have just picked you up and put you on my shoulder. Like Arrietty and Sho."
"Does that make me Arrietty?" he asks.
"We both know that between the two of us, you're the one with an unusual family and I'm the one with rich parents and a morbid awareness of my own mortality."
He laughs at this, and then he leans in to press another kiss to her forehead, her nose, either cheek.
"You're beautiful," he murmurs, and Murasaki finds herself blushing and mentally stumbling to find a retort.
"T-that's not fair, Yuki. You know that over half the guys in school would date you even if they're straight. You don't get to call me beautiful."
This time, his laugh is bigger and brighter and - goddammit, he's gorgeous.
"I'm not interested in the guys at our school," he says.
Murasaki raises a slightly incredulous brow.
"I should hope you aren't, you just kissed me."
Yuki only grins at this, before he leans in to do it again.
A/N:
I'd like to begin by thanking you all for your patience and your support. I know updates have not been what anyone wanted them to be, and I truly appreciate how understanding everyone has been. Your support, your comments, even the silent readers, I know you're there, and you encourage me to write and persevere.
That said, I think you all deserve an explanation for my long absence.
There are a lot of reasons I've been gone for so long. Many of them have to do with school and general life. I'm in a large transition period and there's just a lot to do. But beyond that, I've found it extremely hard to write this fic because of my unstable mental health.
Frankly, I suffer from depressive slumps, and while writing OCs and characters who suffer from similar anxieties and conditions gives me an outlet for my emotions and experiences, I also run the risk of triggering a depressive cycle any time I create that content. Life has been hard for a lot of people in the past few months, and while I've been lucky to have a strong support system and avoid any major consequences of recent events, it's still been hard. Where I can, I've tried to avoid putting myself through additional emotionally-exhausting experiences. And sometimes, that means long periods of having to set Murasaki Kaname aside.
I am not abandoning this fic. I love this story. I love all of you.
But progress is going to be slow. I can't write well if I've written myself into a depressive slump. I can't give Yuki and Saki the joy they deserve if I am writing from a bad place. In order to give them the love story they deserve, I need to give myself the time I need to be healthy and happy.
All that is to say, updates will be slow and unpredictable. I love you all. Thank you so much for the reviews and the support. I hope you understand and continue to read, but I understand if this makes you less willing to follow my story. That's okay.
All of my love,
Starlight