i do not fear death.
i had been dead for billions of years before i was born,
and i have not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
It was a Tuesday when Mama demanded to come and see me.
It was 9:17 AM on a Friday morning, nearly two weeks since the incident with Papa, and I was just finishing my breakfast. Well, finishing was a bit of an over statement since I had hardly eaten anything since the commotion with my Dad.
"Maka," Tsubaki began for the millionth time, concern pooling in her eyes as she eyed my plate, identical to what it was when I brought it to the table. "You really should eat something. You'll get unwell."
"I'm already unwell," I grumbled quietly. I rolled my eyes at myself, not wanting to make Tsubaki worry any more than she already was. I looked up to her with a sigh and smiled apologetically.
"I'm sorry, Tsu," I began, my eyes casting down once more. "Guess I just don't really have much of an app-"
I was cut off by the sound of slamming doors and heavy footsteps. I heard voices, some demanding and careful, and another high pitched and frantic. It took me a moment to realise that that voice belonged to my Mama.
"You can't stop me!" she shouted at someone. "I have a right to see my own daughter! Now, where is she?! Is she in here?"
The doors to the dining area flung open. When she came into view, I took in Mama's appearance idly. But then my eyes narrowed somewhat in slight interest, maybe even shock.
Mama actually looked troubled. She was a fucking mess. Not smart and sophisticated like usual. Her hair wasn't in its usual elegant bun but hanging past her shoulders. Her jacket wasn't done up neatly - It was left unbuttoned and billowed out behind her wherever she walked. As well as that, she hadn't any make up on. She looked utterly lost. Sad. Her eyes met mine and one emotion filled her eyes, one I hadn't even known she was capable of feeling.
Regret.
"Maka," Kami choked out, stumbling towards me before falling to her knees beside my seat, grasping my fists in her hands as she stared into my eyes. My stomach tightened uncomfortably, and my friends quietened and leaned away to give us space. I swallowed thickly. Where the hell was Soul when I needed him?!
My eyes fell back to Mama, and they widened again. It would seem Mama... cared? But since when? I hadn't seen such regret and sorrow in her eyes when I woke up at the hospital, or when she dropped me off at the institution. Or when my face was black and blue, or when my arm was snapped. Why did she suddenly care so much?
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Mama's eyes tightened painfully.
"Maka... Baby, I - "
"Mrs Albarn," Miss Marie's voice saved me. I hadn't noticed that she was stood behind Mama. She had a cluster of security guards behind her, all breathing heavily and eyeing Mama with annoyance, but Miss Marie's eyes were hard on my Mama. She looked so angry that my mouth fell open.
I hadn't spoken to Marie since I had threatened her. My personal sessions were with another woman I didn't even care to remember the name of. I was surprised at the relief that flooded through me when I saw Marie's kind and earnest face.
"Follow me. And I am not asking." She added sternly. Her eyes softened as they landed on me. She stepped forwards, a smile lighting her face when I offered her a smile.
"Maka, hunnie," she began softly. "I can escort your Mama from this building now - " she ignored my Mama's spluttering of outrage and kept her eyes on me as she continued. " - Or, you can come with us and we will allow you and your Mother to speak. Though, I cannot allow you to speak privately."
My eyes lowered to my shoes and Mama's voice came to an abrupt halt. I knew why Marie didn't want us to be alone. I pulled my hands from Mama's grasp and stood abruptly, only just becoming aware of all the other patients' eyes on me. I walked up to Marie and offered a nod. Marie smiled at me and looked to Kami.
"Please, follow me Mrs Albarn." Mama stood and looked from me to Marie warily.
"Alright," she said quietly, her eyes lowering. "And - and its Ms Nakamura."
I blinked, unable to make sense of this information.
"We can discuss this in a better place," Miss Marie said before I had a chance to speak and turned on her heels to lead us away.
"You divorced him." I stated bluntly.
It wasn't a question. Miss Marie, Mama, and me all stood on opposite sides of one of the English classrooms. Mama nodded to me slowly.
"There was no chance I could stand to be near him - never mind stay with him - after he lay his hands on you." She said firmly, her eyes expressing the agony of the thought. The fucking nerve.
"Why?" I asked coldly and Mama recoiled. "What was it so awful for you? You've hit me harder with you neglect for years."
Kami flinched. I made her flinch.
"Maka, I cannot tell you how sorry I am." She started in a choked voice. "I just - I don't know baby, I was blind. With rage towards your Papa, with my job, just everything - "
She ran a hand through her dishevelled hair. Her hands waving as she tried to think of the words to say.
"It just piled up. You always seemed independent - "
"Independent?!" I laughed in shock; my voice seemed so loud in the quiet room. Kami recoiled again.
"I didn't have a choice! I had to do everything on my own. Cook, clean, study, everything!What else could I do? I tried so hard, Mama! To get some attention, get some motherly love, to try and tell you that Papa beat me every night when he came home drunk, while you just fucked off and left me alone with him!"
Well, that was a leap. Mama's face morphed to pure horror as Miss Marie turned her eyes down with a frown as she heard the one thing I had hidden from her, from Mama. Even Soul didn't know the severity of it.
"He what? That – That wasn't the first time?" Kami whispered, her voice cracking as tears fell from her eyes. I felt a flare of anger at how dense she was, how fucking blind she must have been. Suddenly I just felt tired. So, tired. I dragged a seat out and sat down with a nod.
"He hit me, Mama." I said, a weight lifted from my shoulders as I finally got say it. I finally got to tell her. I continued.
"Hard. All the time. You - you were never there. When I was younger, I used to shout for you when he did it, but you never came. After a while I just - gave up. Stopped shouting and just... I don't know, took it."
I shook my head. Mama was bawling now, her words not coming easy when she tried to speak.
"Younger?" she sobbed. "When - How long, Maka?"
I shook my head lightly in thought.
"I must have been, what? Four, five, when it first happened." Mama's cries worsened, though I didn't shed a tear as I relived Papa's thrashings.
"He was always so drunk. It was worse if you and he had argued that day, which was every day. He'd blame me. Say I was the reason you fought, and I ruined things between the two of you. But to be fair, he didn't like me since I was a girl anyway. " I laughed dryly. Mama's eyes widened and snapped up to me.
"The time when you were seven, on your birthday…" She trailed off. "When you broke your wrist – "
"Yeah. I didn't fall out of a tree."
Her cries had quietened. I looked up to see her just look broken. Exhausted. Her eyes were blank and hollow. I felt a pang of sorrow seeing my Mama like that. Never before had I wanted to hug my mother like I did now.
"I let this happen," she whispered to herself. I said nothing because it was true. "I - I let this... Oh my god."
She stood abruptly, her old spark returning so strongly it filled me with relief. Why would I be happy to see that traitor better? But I couldn't fight the feeling of love I felt for her. Kami strode right towards me, kneeling in front of me as she took my face in her hands.
"Maka Nakamura," Kami said, the name filling me with surprise and pleasure. I felt further away from my Papa, less tied down, which felt nice. "I am telling you now you are going to get better. Miss Marie is looking out for you, and I can tell already you're making progress. I can actually see emotion in your eyes now."
I fought a smile and she laughed breathlessly.
"And when you are, you're going to come home with me. I earned the outcome in our family since Spirit was an absolute - Ugh." She shook her head. "We are never going back to the forsaken house or that disgusting, hideous man. We're going to get him put away baby, for a long, long time."
My eyes widened. Tell on Papa? Could I do that? Looking at the strength in Mama's eyes, I thought that maybe I could.
"And we're going to be happy, baby girl," Kami cried softly, pushing a stray hair from my eyes with so much tenderness it made tears well in my eyes. Kami looked at my face and smiled sadly.
"I'll look after you," she promised fiercely, and it made my heart swell. "I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Not me, not anyone. I promise. We will be a real family this time. Just me and you."
I was stunned. Was this the same Mama that raised me? My tears finally spilled from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.
"You seem like… You actually care," I whispered with a small, stunned laugh. Kami mirrored my chuckle.
"Yes, baby," she said. "So much. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for how I mistreated you. But only if you let me."
She added that almost painfully, her hand tightening on mine. It was then I realised she was waiting for an answer. Could I trust her? She did make my life miserable, allowed her husband to abuse me and abused me emotionally without even the care to even notice she was doing it. I looked down in contemplation, before raising my head and uttering the answer.
"No."
Kami's eyes widened and her hand fell from mine as she leaned back.
"No?" She whispered. I shook my head.
"I just - I have so many bad memories tied to you Mama," I tried to explain, my eyes hardening. "Papa hit me, yeah, but I felt more wounded by you. You didn't help me. You didn't even care enough to notice. There were so many signs, so many hidden threats in his words that I know you heard. Sometimes I thought you would say something – But you never did."
Kami cried again and reached for my hand.
"But Maka - Baby, I'll do better. I will! Just please! Please give me a chance to be a better mother," she begged, but I continued to shake my head.
"I just need... I need time, Mama," I said, and Kami's voice quietened once more. "I need to be able to trust you, to know you. I don't even know who you are, what you're like."
"So, you might consider it?" Kami asked feebly, suddenly seeming more understanding. I met her gaze for a few moments and nodded.
"Yes," I said, and it felt right. "If we get to know each other more, I might feel... safe. Comfortable with you."
Kami smiled and nodded slowly before clearing her throat and standing. She faced Miss Marie, who stood stoically in the corner up until now.
"Would it be okay to arrange weekly visits? Maybe even trips every once in a while, with my daughter?" She asked, sounding all business, which was the way I knew her. Marie nodded slowly, her eyes moving to myself.
"So long as Maka doesn't disagree," she started sternly before nodding. "Then yes, that wouldn't be a problem."
Kami nodded gratefully before her eyes fell back to me. There was so much love and fondness in her gaze that I didn't even know could exist within my Mama.
"Then if that's okay with you, baby," she said softly. "I would like to visit more often. And maybe even we could go out sometime, I could take you book shopping?" she said teasingly, and I struggled to hide my surprise that Mama was aware of my love for books.
"... That would be nice," I said slowly, and Kami's face lit up with pleasure. "I'd - I'd really like that, Mama."
Kami nodded sharply, smiling brightly through her tears. "Then that's that."
I stood at the hospitals entrance and waved to Mama as she drove away, a very new sense of optimism building within me.
"I'm proud of you."
I whipped around to find Soul leaning on the door frame, grinning like a fool, while Miss Marie watched on with a smile. I smiled back and walked towards him to step into his opening arms and receive a much-needed embrace. I looked up to Miss Marie as I turned with Soul to re-enter the building.
"Can my personal sessions be with you again, Miss Marie?" I asked cautiously, watching her expression. "I - I want them to be with you."
Miss Marie smiled brightly. She gave me a quick hug and nodded to hide her tears. Soul chuckled and patted my back.
"We need to talk," he said it with a smile, but I could hear the strain in his voice. I smiled at Marie before turning to follow Soul. He promptly led me to our piano room.
The doors swung shut behind me and Soul sauntered forward as I halted in the middle of the room and crossed my arms, trying to ignore the sense of dread gnawing in my stomach.
"So," I said, trying to hide to fear in my voice. "What is it?"
I heard Soul release a long, tense breath as he turned around, his beautiful, pure crimson eyes pained when they met mine.
He met my eyes for a few moments longer before saying the words that made my world crumble around me.
"I'm leaving, Maka."
I stood still. Completely motionless. Soul's wine-red orbs bored into mine and they were hard. He was trying to hold back his emotion, trying to make this easier. How could this be easier?
"What… What do you mean?" I asked in a quiet, almost inaudible voice. Soul sighed softly.
"I mean what I said. I'm leaving."
"But why?" I asked desperately, my hands clenching into fists at my sides and Soul dropped his head.
"Because I don't have a choice." He said quietly, though his voice shook with anger. He winced slightly and my eyes softened.
"What does… What does Oni think of this?"
Soul's head snapped up, he glared darkly at me.
"Don't speak of hi- that as if it's a person. It's not real. It's just a fucked-up part of my brain, making me see the worst side of everything! Stop making out that it's some little – little side kick I have. Like it has some… opinion." He sneered the word. I fell a step back.
"It's not real." He finished, his voice lowering sinisterly again.
"Okay." I responded after a minute's silence. I raised my hands palm up as I took my first cautious step towards him. "Okay. He - It's not real. Just the fucked-up part of your brain. I get it."
Soul lifted his head to look warily at me, before dropping it once more. He nodded. I noticed his shoulders slump, and I took another step towards his less tense figure.
"So, can I know why?" I asked softly, though my insides were churning. My mind dropped dangerously low into the cold haze of grief. My mood shifted threateningly, but I couldn't let it. I had to be here for Soul.
"They're making me," he spat, pulling me from my inner turmoil. I frowned in confusion.
"They? You mean Sid and them? Because, why would they? They know you're not ready, they know you don't wan-"
"No, not them!" Soul snapped again, making me recoil once more. He threw his hands up in frustration. "God, Maka, put the pieces together! It's my parents. Because I've been avoiding them for so long. They're dragging me out of here."
"How? They don't have the right, do they?"
Soul scoffed, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"They have the right to anything. Money makes the world go around, Maka. And they have a reputation. One bad word said against this place by them, and it's gone. Vanished." He made a gesture of disappearance with his hands, letting them remain risen for a moment before dropping them in defeat. My heart broke.
"We can do something. Right? We can. I'll talk to Marie, we're fine now and, God knows she'll listen to me!"
Soul was shaking his head before I had even finished.
"You don't get it." He whispered, though his voice echoed in our room. "They're not just going to risk their entire institution for one guy. It this or me, Maka. They fight for me, say I'm not ready, tell them the absolute truth that if I leave now… I'll literally fall apart, then yeah, maybe my parents will get bored and let it go.
But if they do that, it hurts their stupid pride. It means they're at risk of losing this place. One bad word – If my parents tell anyone, the press or their friends shit like, this place fucked me up even more, made me worse… It's bye bye Abraham Falls.
Or they can just let me go. Keep helping people get on their feet, get better. They only let loose one mental case into the world, not hundreds. So, they'll be able to sleep at night just fine."
Soul slumped onto the piano seat, running his finger over the polished black, his eyes not meeting mine even once since they drew away in the first place.
"Soul," I began, my voice shaking as I stood to stand beside the piano, resting my hand on its sleek surface. "Remember that time you gave me a free pass? You know, when I asked why you were in the hospital?"
Soul just nodded. I swallowed thickly.
"Well, I want to request another one."
Soul rumbled a laugh as he looked up at me, some of his old, playful spark returning.
"That's a rather sizeable request, don't you think?" he teased me. I offered a small smile, but I didn't want to make jokes right now.
"I just thought maybe you'd be generous. You know since you'll be going soon."
Soul sobered up, his smile falling, and he nodded in one jerky motion. "Okay. One free pass. Go."
I nodded, tilted my head up as if it would make my fears sink out of me so there was only room left for courage. It didn't work.
I took a deep breath before quietly asking: "Why do you hate your parents?"
Soul didn't even respond at first, he just kept running his hand up and down the lid of the piano as if I hadn't said anything. A minute past before I cleared my throat and Soul sighed.
"I heard you," he said as I started to ask if he was even listening. Soul closed his eyes painfully. My chest tightened just looking at him.
"If you must know," he began, breathing out every word. "I hate my parents because they hate me."
He looked back down the to the piano lid as he said the three last words as if they had no effect on him at all. I turned my head in confusion.
"What do you mean, they hate you?" I asked a little too loudly, my voice bounced off the walls like hammers, making Soul wince. "All they ever do is try to see you, go places with you."
"Yeah, to torture me about what I did," he grumbled, glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. I took a seat beside him.
"What did you do?" I asked softly. Soul looked at me evenly.
"I grew up North of the City," he admitted, and my eyes widened. Soul shrugged.
"Yeah, my family were pretty well off. Well, very well off. My Mum liked the materials in life and that's most likely why she was with my Dad. My family are made up of musicians." Soul scoffed.
"Can't marry someone who isn't musically known and gifted in my family, probably why my Mum and Dad ended up together. And if you had kids, they had to learn an instrument too. My Mum played the harp and my Dad played the flute. When – "
Soul's voice broke. I frowned in confusion but barely had time to think before he went on.
"When my brother was born," he said in a voice I barely recognised. "They made him learn the violin from the day he could hold a bow. He was gifted in every singly way. He was a musical genius."
Soul shook his head fondly, but smiled a tight, pained smirk. I smiled.
"What's his name?" I asked. Soul's smile dropped; he turned his head away but carried on.
"Wes. My Mum and Dad adored him. He was everything they wanted him to be. They thought since they did so great the first time 'round they'd give it another go, two musical geniuses as sons would give them great publicity so I was born when Wes was eleven."
"Did you get an instrument too?" I asked but almost regretted it as Soul took a sharp intake of breath.
"Yeah," he breathed. "Piano, obviously. But – Unfortunately for my parents, I didn't go as smoothly as Wes. They got lucky with him. My music… It wasn't what they wanted. I could play, read music and the works. But my family's trait was composing. The reason Wes was so great was, with his music, he could make the audience feel exactly what he wanted them to. And my parents wanted him to amaze them, so he did."
Soul sighed.
"But I – My music was dark, and… scary, I guess. I don't know, I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop it! My parents wanted pretty, light, happy and classy music. They wanted me to be like Wes, act like Wes but I couldn't. The music it- it reflected my mood. The more they told me to act like Wes the more I knew they didn't want me to be me. That made it worse."
I rested a hand on Soul's shoulder. He sighed and drew a hand up to rest on mine and squeeze it.
"I loved Wes." He told me honestly, looking up at me earnestly as he did. "He hated what my parents were doing, how they were neglecting me. I knew they hated me and so did Wes. It hurt Wes more than me 'cause he thought it was all his fault. That was Wes though,"
Soul smiled a broken smile and dropped my hand.
"He was just so good. He couldn't stand anyone being sad, let alone being the reason they were, and he felt he was. And I was the person he loved the most. But he didn't get it, it wasn't him, it was my parents."
Soul took a long shaky breath that shook slightly. My eyes flooded with dread and concern for him. The bad part was coming, and I knew it. I could hardly brace myself as Soul hung his head.
"One night I was arguing with my folks," he said. His voice sound so old. And so very, very sad. "I told them I didn't want to play the piano. I hated the piano. It was the real reason everything was so wrong. It was the reason my parents hated me, and my brother pitied me. It went on for a while till my Dad hit me, he would've got another punch in if it weren't for Wes. He pushed my Dad down and dragged me from the house and into his car. I remember,"
His eyes glazed over as he relived the memory.
"I was ten, so Wes was twenty-one. He was crying as he drove, and he held my hand. I remember holding my face, it… hurt. It hurt a lot and that made him cry even more. I remember – He was telling me we were going to leave. That we were going to get away from them and live together in our little house. I'd go to a normal school and have real friends, not stuck up ones who only liked me for my title. He said he'd pay the bills with teaching kids how to play the violin."
Soul smiled as a tear escaped from the corner of his eye, but he was quick to wipe it away.
"He always wanted to teach kids," he chuckled brokenly. I smiled with him. "I was so happy. I've never been as happy as I was then. I jumped up in my seat and Wes laughed at me, saying he's never seen me so…"
He trailed off, his eyes turning cold. He cleared his throat abruptly.
"He lost control of the car because of my excitement." He went on, his voice completely void of any emotion.
"We crashed and I woke up in the hospital with my parents faces glaring at me. At first, I thought they were worried about me, but they were angry. Wes had died and they blamed me. Obviously, I had to go back with them, and this time I didn't have Wes to protect me. They tried to change me, to shape me into the man Wes was. They said I had to replace him since I killed him."
Soul sneered and squeezed his eyes shut.
"They never even let me go to the funeral," he told me, his voice revealing his bewilderment towards the fact. And the agony.
"They said I shouldn't have the right to go since I was the reason that he was dead. That was one of the worst parts," he shook his head angrily.
"So, yeah," he finished, shrugging his arms casually in attempt to hide his hurt. "That's why I hate them. And that's what triggered my mental disorder. I killed my brother so a demon in my head tells me how disgusting I am every day since now my parents can't."
I didn't even know what to say – But that didn't matter since Soul had already stood up.
"Where are you – "
"I answered your question." He said sharply and I frowned as he kept his back to me. "I needed to tell you I was leaving since I knew you'd be upset. I have now, so we can go."
My brow furrowed further at his coldness.
"Well – Yes, I'm upset. You're literally the only thing that holds me together."
Soul didn't say anything – I almost wished I could take the words back based on how he was reacting to them.
"I get why they say it now," he ran a hand over his face and turned to face me. "They always say don't do romance at a place like this. It won't help anyone. I didn't get it, but I do now."
I stood slowly from the bench to stand across from him.
"What are you talking about?" I asked cautiously. Soul shook his head.
"You rely on me. You rely on me so much and that was fine but – Now I'm leavin' and you won't have me. So, now you're just gonna get worse and I won't be here to – "
He trailed off, looking at me with an expression that was almost annoyed.
"This wouldn't be this way if we hadn't done this." He gestured around the room. "If I had just left you alone and likewise, I would just leave and that would be it. No harm done. But we had to go down that road and just fuck everything up."
I could barely comprehend what he was saying. Soul had never treated me like this. He was acting as if he regretted ever having this relationship with me – Whatever it was.
"Soul, you're not – You don't mean that." I managed. Soul's expression didn't change. "You helped me, and I helped you. This will always have been a good thing."
"No," he ran a hand through his hair. "We were too reliant on each other. It was dumb and toxic. Especially in a place like this."
I was at a loss for words. What was he doing right now?
"I shouldn't have pursued you. I should have thought about the consequences, but I didn't." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not," I told him as I stepped forward to stand in front of him. He hung his head back before dropping his gaze to look down on me. "You helped me more than anyone. We can find a way out of this – We'll fix it and you won't have to leave."
"Will you listen to yourself?" He snapped and I jumped. "You're just proving my point. You lean on me way too much – And I shouldn't have taken this role. One crazy person resting on another is just a recipe for disaster. And you know it."
I couldn't believe he just said that. I fell a step away – I thought I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes but that could have just been my imagination. I didn't stay to find out as I walked around him and ran from that room as quickly as I could.