Twenty-three: When Bitches Struggle (in needs)

Returning to her article, Susan realizes that the confrontation with Doug has allowed her to finally clear her head about her feelings for Elaine. It had been instinctive, until a moment before, her behavior regarding the woman, now she truly realizes the depth of what she feels. Of how important it is to be herself with her without expecting anything in return.

To give her what she is allowed, to feel that she is fully welcomed and accepted, to feel that Elaine feels free to be herself as she is, without the weight of expectations or the fear of disappointment or illusion. Because in reality there are no expectations, so disappointment and delusion are not contemplated at all.

Amazingly, she manages to finish the piece without a hitch and can think about dinner, even though it's still early. She usually doesn't ask Elaine what she wants for dinner, she knows she doesn't need to, but given the time available and the desire to hear from her, she decides to text her, hoping she has a chance to read it, despite her commitments at the White House.

«Hey, do you want to have something specific for dinner? I'm going grocery shopping!»

«What a challenging question! What happened to you? Should I be worried?»

«Dummy!»

«I've never wondered what's for dinner when I'm with you! Whatever you do, I'm content to have your company, you know that, right?»

«Oh how sweet of you!»

«Oh how dummy of you!»

—

Elaine stows her cell phone, trying to mask a smile in front of her colleagues who are gathering in the Oval waiting for Garcetti to tell them the schedule for next week. If all goes smoothly, she could be out of there within an hour.

She was never interested in knowing what she would find for dinner at Susan's, even when they can cook together. The truth is that she simply loves spending time with that woman, no matter what they do, in a way it is always fulfilling, even when it is not pleasant due to adverse circumstances.

She had feared that she would unintentionally change her attitude after the young woman had clarified the reasons for that kiss, instead the opposite had happened, she had increasingly welcomed her way of interacting with her and Susan had not let that confession hold her back, she had continued to show her how much she cared about her.

She had begun to think more and more about that kiss, and not only that. Something had happened during their separation, something inside them. The distance had brought them closer together. And when Susan had left, in a way she had really taken her with her.

What had happened at the Horseshoe Bend had been the proof of what was growing inside them. Perhaps if they had been together that day, that kiss would have happened under more natural and spontaneous circumstances. Perhaps it had simply been inevitable. Every time she thinks back to that kiss, she thinks back to the moment when Susan walked away from her, the same moment when, the more she thinks about it, the more she is aware of how close she was to drawing her to herself and reciprocating the outpouring. And every time she relives that moment, she feels herself pining inside. And then the little jokes from her mother and son come back to her, and she is happy to know that they are on her side.

But her life was a completely different matter until a few months earlier. What if she was wrong? What if she let herself feel and then realized it wasn't right for her? Would she bear the weight of the responsibility of taking a step back? Would she bear the weight of looking into the eyes of her sweet Susan and telling her that she'd bitten off more than she could chew? Susan simply doesn't deserve it. She can't do it to her.

She watches one by one all her colleagues sitting at the table with her, watches Garcetti speak, and realizes that for the first time in her career she has no idea what the person who took the floor is talking about. All those people, or a good portion of them anyway, respect her, admire her, and have known her for twenty years. It's not like she cares how they would react. Just her persona is exposed not only to them, but to the public, and the masses, you know, need labels. She's not sure she wants to stick a label on herself. All she feels is just for Susan Berg and how Susan Berg makes her feel. She realizes that she is more aware of this with each passing day. But still, not quite enough to know what to do with that awareness.

—

"Sue, I don't want another position besides the one I already hold", she explains, sticking a forkful of salad into her mouth. "You can tell Garcetti trusts you enough to entrust you once again with the role he already offered you three years ago", Berg reasons. Elaine places the cutlery back on the side of the plate and looks at her carefully.

"Do you remember what I told you that night at the zoo, just before the attack?", she asks her in a patient voice. "That it was time for you to think about your family, rather than putting your career in front of it like always", the young woman replies. "Yeah… then the unthinkable happened and I was forced to put all my good intentions about my family on hold", she reminds her.

"True… but now TJ and Doug have found their own way and although they still remain your kids, you have to admit that they no longer need your constant presence. There were confusing times when you still bent over backwards for them, despite your professional commitments, it's not true that you pushed them aside. You are a wonderful mother. All of this is impressive. But serving the country as a Vice, now that you have regained trust in Paul Garcetti is something you have always aspired to, you two make a great team", the journalist encourages her by shaking her hand.

"This crisis has brought out a lot of good and gifted people, I don't want Garcetti to put too much trust in me and underestimate the rest of the staff. He is young and skilled, and I want him to evaluate all the alternatives. I want him to put together a team that is capable of giving its best even if one or more individuals fail. Troy, for example, comes from a family of industrialists and has traveled the world for thirty years, he knows at least twenty languages and speaks fluently at least six of them, he would be an excellent Secretary of State, not to mention at least a dozen current Governors, who could become suitable Vice Presidents", she explains quietly.

"It almost sounds like you want to resign, Elaine", her friend gently points out, as she gets up and carries the dishes over by the sink. She intentionally stays there, her back to her. She knows she's made a delicate point and wants to give her time and room to think it through.

She realizes that her friend's thought processes are still pretty unconscious; she senses that a good portion of these new ideas depend on what is going on between them. She feels that Elaine is still trying to figure out what to do with her life and her feelings, and she doesn't want to be the one responsible for a decision made too abruptly.

Barrish is taken aback by Susan's conclusion, but admits to herself that the reporter may be right, it is just what it seems. Amazed at this realization, she falls silent, thoughtful. Where does this new need to distance herself from her career come from? Just when her sons are settled and she could devote herself to it without a care in the world? Elaine gets up and approaches the young woman, who is washing the dishes. She stands beside her to attend to the dishes that need rinsing. It has never been heavy, the silence between them, but now Elaine feels the need to fill it with something else that she realized tonight more than ever. "Thank you", she whispers to her as their arms, busy with chores, brush against each other.

"About what?", Berg asks, "You make me feel… free… maybe I'm still unaware of what I was saying… you're not… and yet… you push me to think about it… even though it might backfire… I truly appreciate that", Susan lets go of the last of the dishes, dries her hands and hands the dishcloth to the woman.

"Nothing can backfire on me, Elaine, if you're free and fine", she tells her as she looks up into her eyes, "I'm the one who feels free with you first. What would be the point if we didn't feel that way?", she finally asks.

Elaine has only one answer, "Right", she declares in a sigh, "Come here", she urges her by spreading her arms and holding her close. She closes her eyes and lets her body gradually adhere to Susan's. For the first time she is attentive not only to her emotions, but also to the physical reactions that contact with the other triggers in her. She feels the warmth of her body in full contact with that of the young woman, aware that only two thin layers of fabric prevent her from tasting her skin. The desire to remove that uncomfortable barrier almost makes her breathless, gentle arms lace behind her back and the warm breath on her neck makes her dizzy. She is no longer sure where her heart might be at this moment, she feels it in her throat, beating furiously, but even more overpowering are the burning pulsations coming from her lower abdomen.

"Aroused with desire, you put me in a trance.

A vision of fire, I never had a chance"

She wonders how much she can resist that physical and emotional avalanche similar to a violent adrenaline rush. She holds her even tighter, as if he wants to disappear into her, to go through those layers and lose herself in Susan. How easy it would be, right now, to sink a hand into her soft hair and let her lips make their way from the temple where they're resting on, down to her soft lips, too easy to test their tenderness, their taste... in a flash of clarity she realizes she's completely losing her mind and doesn't know if she cares or not.

"Arousing me now with a sense of desire.

Possessing my soul till my body's on fire"

Susan becomes aware almost immediately that this is a different kind of embrace than the others. She feels that Elaine is testing herself, it's incredibly difficult to let her do it without reacting and surrendering to desire, but she knows the woman needs it, she knows it will serve her, she senses her body's responses and knows they are the same as her own. For a second she is afraid of not resisting the temptation to gently sink her teeth into the soft skin of her neck and feel the taste and texture on her tongue. All this begins to be too much, they must stop before it is too late and slip into something premature.

"Elaine…", she whispers, pulling her face away from the crook of the other's neck. "Sorry", the woman replies in a labored, mechanical way, pulling her face away from hers, but not enough. The warm palm of her hand rests gently on her cheek as Barrish looks into her eyes as if addressing her soul directly, perhaps, looking for the confidence she still lacks.

"You have nothing to apologize for, it was beautiful…", she reassures her. The older one snorts a sad smile, "I'm not a person who steps back, I don't want to hurt you, you wouldn't deserve it", she tries to explain a concept that is not so clear to her either. "I know the person you are, Elaine", the reporter replies calmly. "It's just my brain that's not ready yet", she continues annoyed by her own admission.

"I know", the other confirms, taking her face in her hands to reassure her and convey her serenity. She makes an effort to stare into her eyes, although the other keeps alternating hers between her lips and her gaze, she waits patiently until Elaine finally manages to focus the same way, and realizes that it's all gone, that both of them have regained control of themselves and 'are safe'. "It's okay… come on, let's finish up here and then I'll let you choose the movie!", she prods her, gently pulling away from her.

The couch in front of the TV is too big for them tonight, and they find themselves snuggled in each other's arms, wrapped in the warm blanket, distractedly watching and commenting on the images passing by in front of the screen. The previous moment of desire and passion is replaced by the knowing tenderness that all will be well, in the proper time.

When Barrish turns off the TV and the room plunges into almost total darkness, Susan doesn't even hint at moving from there to bed, and Elaine welcomes the urge to fall asleep by holding her close. She lets the young woman hide her face inside the crook of her neck and laces her hands behind her back, resting one cheek on her hair, lets their legs intertwine under the covers, lets their bodies fit together perfectly, and wishes her goodnight with a kiss through the dark hair, indulging in a not-so-unexpected shiver when the other's lips briefly brush the pronounced line of her jaw.

—

"You let me sleep too much", she admonishes her in a voice still hoarse from the night as she kisses the back of her neck softly. " Well today is Saturday!", the young woman justifies herself in a sparkling tone, turning around and smiling as she places a blueberry between her lips waiting for Elaine to accept it. "Good morning", the politician smiles at her, leaving another kiss on her forehead. "Come on, go sit down! Breakfast is ready!", spurs the younger giving her a playful slap on the butt. "I've got one or two things to do this morning, I don't know what time I'll be free", she informs her regretfully, they had decided to spend the whole weekend away from everything and everyone else.

"Hey what's with that sad look on your face? Are you afraid I'll run away while you're gone?", Berg jokes noticing the disappointment on the other's face. "You don't mind?", she asks her surprised. "Elaine, I know you'd put it off if you could. Of course I mind, but I know you'll be back as soon as you can, just like you know I'll be here waiting for you, right?", she reassures her by curling the corners of her mouth and cracking a smile at her as well. "Wise woman!", Elaine chants at her with a resounding kiss on the cheek as he pulls away to get ready.