Chapter 23

Gibbs watched as Tim approached, looking less-than-thrilled at seeing him. The closer he got, the worse he looked. Gibbs could see the torment in his eyes.

"G-Gibbs," he said, softly.

"McGee."

They didn't say anything else for a moment, but Gibbs saw Mark get out of the car and he knew that Mark was there to support Tim. If Tim got upset, Gibbs figured that Mark would throw him out on his ear, maybe literally.

"Can we talk?" Gibbs asked. He didn't really want to ask. He wanted to demand, but it was important to give Tim the option, especially where, after nearly a year, Tim still looked so broken.

Tim looked anxious, almost afraid, and that gave Gibbs pause. Tim was genuinely afraid of seeing him. Had he treated Tim that badly or was it still about Abby? He'd never seen Tim afraid of him before. Tim had been intimidated by someone who was (admittedly) intentionally intimidating him, but he'd never seemed afraid before. But he was now. He wasn't sure he wanted to say anything to Gibbs at all. That made Gibbs even more cautious...and it wasn't about Mark. It was about Tim himself. He was on shaky ground and if pushed, he might fall.

And Gibbs didn't think he could survive another tumble.

Then, Tim licked his lips nervously.

"About what?" he asked.

"Abby."

Tim actually looked surprised, although Gibbs wasn't sure why. Surely Abby was on his mind, too.

There was another long silence. Then, Tim nodded.

"But not out here."

"My house is open and I'm coming in with you," Mark said, not even pretending he wasn't listening.

Gibbs didn't really want to stumble through trying to be gentle with an audience, but he didn't think that Mark would take no for an answer.

"Okay," Tim said.

He turned away from Gibbs and walked inside. Gibbs followed, but he could see Tim's tension. He wasn't happy about all this, but at the same time, Gibbs could see that he probably hadn't been any happier before... and he'd not been taking good care of himself recently. Tim seemed gaunt and some of his shakiness was physical.

Mark's house was simply furnished, and Tim walked over to a couch. There was a broken table by the couch, and Gibbs noticed that Tim had a guilty expression on his face as he glanced at it. Mark walked into the kitchen, but he was still in earshot and he wasn't pretending otherwise.

Gibbs sat down across from Tim.

For another long moment, it was silent. Tim was looking anywhere but at him, and Gibbs wasn't sure how to start this conversation, but he knew it was extremely necessary. Tim needed to hear from him, and he needed to do some talking.

...but before he could, Tim surprised him by speaking, still in that soft, fearful voice. He wasn't physically cowering but he might as well be. Tim was afraid of him even now.

"How did you find me?" he asked. "I thought I'd done enough that no one would do it...even if they looked."

Gibbs smiled a little. "It wasn't me. It was Ziva and Oliver."

"Ziva and who?"

"Abby's replacement. His name is Oliver Felt."

Tim winced and looked away.

"Oh," he whispered.

"They didn't give up and Oliver thought of looking at other names you might have used. He's the one who thought of using the name from your book to search for you."

Gibbs thought about saying that Oliver was a fan, but he decided that might be pouring salt into the wound Tim obviously still had.

"Oh."

"You did a good job of hiding yourself, but Ziva was more determined to find you than that. She never gave up."

"You did?" Tim asked.

Gibbs seriously considered lying to Tim about his attitude early on. He wasn't sure how Tim would feel about the fact that Gibbs hadn't bothered to exert any kind of effort until after a few months had passed...but lying wouldn't really make things better.

"I had a hard time getting started," he finally admitted. "I was too focused on... Abby. Couldn't think about anyone else. Took me a while."

Tim nodded.

"Who replaced me?" he asked after another silence.

"No one."

"But I quit. You had to replace me."

"No. I refused."

"Why would Director Shepard let you do that? It's been... a long time. She had already tried to get me out before."

"Yeah, it has. She tried. I wouldn't do it."

"But you didn't care about me. Why wouldn't you just put someone else in my place? I didn't matter."

Gibbs sighed and looked away, feeling a little bit of shame at how Tim was describing himself. He shouldn't be able to say that so directly.

He forced himself to look at Tim again. "I couldn't lose another person."

"Not even me?"

"Not even you."

"What about Tony?"

"It took him a little bit, but he got on track a lot faster than I did. Ziva was the best of us, and she was down in the lab every day trying to find where you'd gone. Your parents never gave up, either."

"I told them to."

"I know. They're your parents. Did you actually think they would?"

Tim looked down. "They should have."

"No, they shouldn't."

Gibbs paused. And the silence fell once more. There was just nowhere to go with this. Tim wasn't saying much and Gibbs knew that he wasn't really helping. So they were left with these awkward pauses. Another breath.

"I found the house you bought. I went inside. I saw what you've been typing."

Again, Tim said nothing. Gibbs knew there were a lot of emotions brewing under the surface, but Tim seemed to be making a concerted effort to show nothing... and Gibbs was finding it difficult to read him. He needed to do something that would provoke a real reaction, something that would be so unexpected that Tim wouldn't be able to keep hiding his feelings. Still, he was painfully aware of the other person in on this conversation. Mark hadn't contributed anything but Gibbs couldn't forget that he was there. He hated having extra people around when this was hard enough as it was. But his discomfort had to come second. This needed to be said because Gibbs really did mean it. Seeing all those pages of pain had only cemented his need to do whatever was necessary to fix things.

"I'm sorry, Tim," he said, finally. "I'm sorry that you ended up out here."

That got Tim staring at him in shock. In fact, he didn't seem to know what to say in reply.

"I've gone over that night more times than I can count, wondering how I could have saved Abby."

"Me, too," Tim whispered.

Gibbs took a breath. "...but I was also wondering how I could have stopped you from leaving. ...and I know."

"You do?" Tim asked, still almost in a whisper.

"I think so. I could have told you it wasn't your fault. It wouldn't have fixed everything, but maybe then, you wouldn't have felt like you had to run away."

"You really think that?"

"What?"

"That it wasn't my fault?" Tim asked.

"It wasn't your fault."

"But it was," Tim said, and there were a bit of emotion in his voice finally. "We both know it was." His voice was shaking. "Abby wouldn't be dead without my book. We both know that. You knew it that night. So did Tony and Ziva. I could see it in your eyes! All of you! You all knew it was my fault! You were trying to hide it by not looking at me, but you knew it. I was responsible for four people dying. I should have put on the cuffs when you first said I should!"

"No. I was wrong," Gibbs said.

"No. You can't take it back, now!" Tim said. He was definitely getting worked up. "You said that if I was guilty, I should put on the cuffs. You said I confessed. You're right! I did! I just didn't realize how guilty I was going to be!" He stood up, his volume increasing. "I might as well have pulled the trigger and killed Abby myself! Abby is dead, Boss! She's dead! And I killed her! I killed her with my typewriter! I killed her with my book!"

Gibbs stood up and grabbed Tim by the shoulders. He shook him a little bit.

"No, Tim! No, you didn't kill her. Landon Grey killed her and that is not your fault!"

Tim shook his head. Gibbs could see tears in his eyes but they weren't falling.

"No. You don't really believe that," Tim said. "I know you don't. Someone made you come here and say it. Someone made you..."

"No!" Gibbs said. He shook Tim again, trying to break through this mind set Tim seemed to have. "No. When we found out where you were, I wanted to be the one to come here first. Tim, you need to listen to me. I don't blame you for what happened to Abby. Do you hear me? I don't blame you for what happened to Abby."

Tim stared at him for a long moment and started crying. Gibbs hesitated. What would have been completely natural with Abby felt awkward and strange with Tim, but he could see Tim needed something more than just words.

So Gibbs stopped shaking Tim and hugged him instead. He could feel Tim trembling. Then, through Tim's tears he could hear an almost inaudible whisper.

"Abby is dead. Abby is dead. Abby is dead."

The same words he'd typed thousands of times. Gibbs still felt the pain of that statement, but at this moment, Tim hurt infinitely more than he did. The best thing he could do would be to try and navigate Tim out of that.

"Yeah, she is, but it's not your fault, Tim. Abby wouldn't blame you, and I don't blame you. It's not your fault."

After a couple of minutes, Tim spoke again.

"I c-can't s-stop seeing it..." he gasped out. "I c-can't stop seeing her d-die. The... The... The last words I heard you say... Abby is dead. ...and I can't... hear anything else."

"It's all right, Tim," Gibbs said. "I know how you feel, but it's all right. You didn't kill her and it wasn't your fault."

Somehow, saying the same words over and over again didn't feel repetitive or useless and he wasn't annoyed by it. Even in the midst of all this, Gibbs was surprised that he wasn't feeling impatient with Tim's words, with this endless loop of pain. In another circumstance, he would have simply expected Tim to get over it on his own time. In fact, he would have been irritated that he hadn't. And yet, in this situation, there was no question of that at all. Tim couldn't just get over this, not if it was so bad after a year. For Gibbs, it was almost as if he was taking back the times he'd allowed himself to blame Tim, even if it had only been in his head and he'd never said the words to anyone. He was replacing those thoughts he'd had with the reality.

The reality that Abby was dead and Tim was not the one to blame. The reality that Tim needed his help in a way Abby didn't. Abby was dead, but Tim was still alive and could be saved, even though Abby couldn't.

"Tim, I'll say it as many times as I need to say it and I'll mean it every time. It's not your fault. I don't blame you."

Tim was starting to calm down a little bit and Gibbs let him go. His breathing was still a little rough, but Tim managed to look at him and even appear a little bit embarrassed.

"I'm... s-sorry, Boss," he whispered. "I'm... not okay."

"I know. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have thought you had to leave."

"Y-You didn't tell me to."

"I know. But I let you think you had to. I didn't know it, but I did it, anyway. And I'm sorry that I did."

Tim tried to smile but he couldn't quite get there.

"S-Sign of weakness," he said.

"Yeah, it is. I'm weak."

"No."

"Yes, I am," Gibbs said firmly. "And I let that hurt other people because I couldn't care about anyone but myself. And it wasn't just you, Tim. There were others I hurt because I refused to learn to deal with it. And I'm not going to let you keep hurting."

"I... I don't know if you can stop that," Tim said. "I don't know if anyone can."

"I don't know if I can, either, but you can... if you have the help you need."

"Are you sure I should?"

"Yes."

Tim stepped back from him and sat down on the couch again. He dropped his head into his hands.

"That's what people keep telling me, but it's not what I tell myself."

"Maybe you should start."

"It doesn't feel right."

"It can."

Gibbs sat down beside him and put his hand on Tim's back. Tim was still trembling.

"Are you afraid of me, Tim?"

There was a long silence.

"Yes," Tim whispered.

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid you'll say what I've been saying to myself. I deserve it, but I can't handle hearing it."

"I'm not going to say it."

"Why not?"

"Because that's not what you need, and it's not true."

Gibbs looked up toward the kitchen and saw Mark standing the doorway. He had a concerned look on his face but he didn't say a word. Gibbs raised an eyebrow and Mark just shrugged. It was hard to communicate when there were no words being spoken but it was enough to say that this was apparently not the first time Tim had acted like this. It wasn't worse...which was sad enough on its own.

"I want to believe that, but I can't," Tim said, softly.

"You will."

Tim didn't look up, but he turned his head slightly toward Gibbs.

"You've never talked like this. Not ever... not to me. Not that I've ever seen."

"I know."

"So why now?"

"Because you need it, and... it's what I should have done before."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because, Tim... Sometimes, I'm wrong," Gibbs said. And while he knew that was true because it was true of everyone, it felt strange to say it, to admit to being wrong. He just didn't admit that very often...which was a problem in and of itself.

Tim sat up and looked at him.

"So... now what?"

"You come back home," Gibbs said, although he'd be shocked if it was that simple. Tim's obvious problems wouldn't allow for something so simple.

So he wasn't surprised when Tim shook his head.

"No. No, I can believe that you feel like you have to do this... but I can't go back there. I can't go back to NCIS. I can't..." He stopped for a second and looked away. "I can't see Abby not there. I can't do that, no matter what you say. Because Abby is still dead and nothing can fix that."

Then, Tim stood up and walked out of the room. Gibbs stood up to follow him, but then, for the first time, Mark interfered. He walked out of the kitchen much more quickly than Gibbs might have thought he could and blocked Gibbs' way.

"Don't," he said.

Gibbs raised an eyebrow again.

"I'm serious," Mark said. "Tim just got out of a psychiatric hospital today. You have no idea how much better he is than he was. You've laid a lot of stuff on him all at once, and it's good. He needed to hear it, but you can't fix him in a single conversation. You've made a good start. Now, let him have some down time. ...and call his parents."

Gibbs' eyebrow went up for a third time.

"Like you did anonymously?"

Mark smiled a little. "I didn't want to completely ignore what Tim wanted but when I figured out who he is and saw how devastated his parents were in the news articles about him, I had to do something for them. So I just called quick and hung up. I didn't know if someone would be able to trace the call or not, but I guess they weren't ready for it. I was hoping that I could convince him to call them himself."

Gibbs wanted to be annoyed but then, he nodded.

"This is improved?"

"Yeah. A lot. The first time I got Tim to say anything when he wasn't drunk out of his skull, he screamed at me for about five minutes and then started crying so hard that he could barely breathe. Once he passed out, I called for an ambulance and he was in the hospital for three days just to get him back into a state where he could function physically. He had a breakdown, but he didn't lose control and that's a lot better than he was. Give him some time. Call his parents and let others help him. I don't care how much responsibility you feel for him, his family is important. And it can't just be you."

Gibbs wanted to insist on his priority. He wanted to push Mark out of the way and keep going until Tim agreed with him.

But he also knew that he probably couldn't push Mark out of the way, and he didn't really have the right to do it, even if he could.

"Okay," he said finally. He sighed. "I'm about ten miles from here."

"Yeah, there aren't many options in this area and it's a little early for camping. He'll still be here."

"All right." Gibbs turned to leave, but then he turned back. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"Said it before. For doing all this for him," Gibbs said. He shook his head as he looked toward the room Tim had gone into. "I've never seen him like this. I'd never have thought he could be like this. He needed someone and you were there for him."

"My pleasure. I could tell from the first day he came to my store that there was something a little off about him, but I didn't know how serious it was until I found him drunk one day. Once I knew, I kept paying attention."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Then, Gibbs left and, without any other recourse, he went back to his hotel and tried to decide whether to call Tim's parents himself or to let Ziva do it.