Chapter 10

Angelus struggled to open the door with one hand seeing his left hand had bags full of food and cradling a cup of large hot coffee and a large iced vanilla soy latte in his arm. After much fumbling, he managed to insert the key and turn to unlock the door.

"Buffy!" he called out.

Setting the food and drinks on the dining table, he frowned not hearing her reply.

"Buffy?" he entered the bedroom searching for her but she wasn't there.

He was about to call out to her again before his eyes laid upon the lithe form on the sofa, fast asleep. He smiled seeing her deep in slumber. This wasn't an unfamiliar habit for him. He couldn't count the number of times he would just gaze at her when she was asleep. There was just something so serene and beautiful about watching her sleep. Buffy often berated him of his stalker-like tendencies but even then, he knew he wouldn't stop. He could spend his whole life just watching her beautiful face in peaceful slumber.

He gently brushed a few strands of hair away from her face before leaning down and kissing her forehead. Buffy stirred slightly at his affection and gently open her eyes. He smiled down at her which she reciprocates before pulling him by the nape to kiss his lips. He closed his eyes and revelled in the gentle kiss.

"Hi baby", he cooed when they broke away.

"Hi" she said softly.

"You look better".

"Yeah, sleeping helps. Been here long?" she asked sitting up.

He slipped next to her and answered, "I literally just walked through the door".

She moaned and leaned on his shoulder. Angelus wrapped his arm around her and kissed her crown, basking in their closeness. He stroked her back soothingly and Buffy curled closer to him, enjoying the ministration and comfortable silence. Moments later, they hear a low rumbling emanating from her stomach.

"Oops", she blushed embarrassedly as he giggled.

"Come on, Okinawa's is waiting" he says, pulling her off the couch and stood behind her, wrapping his arms and prodded her feet forward, guiding her to the dining table.

Buffy smiled, thankful for her attentive lover and she realised all her worries, her insecurities and fear momentarily vanished when she woke to his loving eyes. Angelus has once again proven he has mastered the ability to soothe and calm her like no one else. She threaded her fingers with his and drew his arms tighter around her. Angelus leaned down and nuzzled her neck. Her hand wound around his neck and pulled him into a kiss which he eagerly returned. When they broke away, he hugged her tighter, understanding her unspoken words, knowing that she needed him, needed to give her the comfort to tell him anything. And she leaned into him greedily drawing strength from him.

"The doctor called", she said into his cheek.

He nodded and sat them down at the dining table, never letting her hand go but putting some distance between them knowing that she needed his full attention.

"It's okay", he whispered, caressing the back of her hand, encouraging her to continue.

She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, seeing nothing but love and tenderness and was reassured.

"There was suspicion of a condition at first but we needed to be sure. Hence the blood test. So, it came back and…" she hesitated, looking down at her hands now in his.

He cupped her chin and made her look at him, caressing her cheek tenderly, "And?" he prodded.

More moments of silence passed.

"Baby, you can tell me anything. I've got you…always", he assured her.

She stared into his chocolate orbs and is moved by the sincerity of his words, believing him wholeheartedly. A single tear rolled down her cheek which he quickly wiped away. Mind numbing fear raced through him but for her sake, he tries to remain calm and prepares his heart for the worst. But one thing he was sure, he vowed that no matter what, he'll be by her side. No matter what.

"And?" he calmly urged her.

She took a few more deep breaths and once again drew strength from his warmth and uttered, "I'm pregnant".

Angelus was in a daze, a part of him shook his head trying to make sure he heard her right.

"You're pregnant?"

She nodded.

"As in we're having a baby, pregnant?"

She said yes.

Angelus broke into a smile and crushed her form to his, lifting her into his arms and spinning her around.

"Oh my god, we're having a baby!"

He put her down and cupped her face, kissing her forehead, cheeks, chin, nose, not leaving any part off her features untouched. Buffy felt like she was the most horrible person on this earth. This was happy news and yet, there was confusion in her head and heaviness in her heart. Amidst his giddiness, he saw her turmoil and immediately halted his celebratory self.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She shook her head. How could she tell him the truth of what she was feeling inside? Looking at how happy he was, how could she?

"What is it?" he asked again.

Again she shook her head but Angelus cupped her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. They always said more to him than her words ever could.

"You're not happy", he said as a statement.

"Angel, I…"

"Do you not want this baby?" hearing it from his mouth shook her and at that moment, she was certain that she was the most terrible person on this earth.

"You're afraid", he continued, reading all her emotions through the hazel-green eyes.

She turned away from his grasp and stood, wanting him to stop analyzing her.

"Angel, I don't deserve…. I…I can't have this baby… You don't understand".

"The make me understand. How can you not want this life we've created? The proof of…please, make me understand", he placed his palm on her stomach.

She looked down at the large, masculine hand almost wholly covering her stomach tenderly. Even after knowing what a horrible woman she was, how could he still give her tenderness? How can he still look at her lovingly. She was certain even more than before that she doesn't deserve him nor the role this new life inside her allowed her to have.

"I don't love anything, Angel. Love means nothing to me. It's just sex", she remembered saying something similar to the men who wanted more out of their convenient rendezvous but this time, tears and heartbreak accompanied her words.

"You're still lying", Angelus easily seeing through her.

"I'm not…I can't have this baby, Angel…I just can't. I can't love anything…please".

"You know that's not true. You said you couldn't commit..that you're not 'relationship-girl' and you don't do relationships but here we are, six months later in a committed relationship. You don't know what it's like to be a girlfriend and I'm here to tell you that you are the best…you make me so happy in the past six months than I ever been in a long time. You tell me you don't love anything and when I look in your eyes, that's all I see. You keep this wall up so people don't see but you have such a big heart, such a huge capacity to love. Our child will be so loved and.."

"No!…believe me, I can't love. I tried Angel. I tried so hard but I just can't…I can't", she broke down to her knees, sobbing.

"I want so much to want this baby but I don't….I don't", she poured, tears rolling uncontrollably.

Angelus was grief stricken by her reaction that he froze on the spot, uncertain how to react. A part of him wanted to cradle and soothe her but the other part was terribly hurt by her confession, unable to ignore the sincerity of her words.

After the emotional confession, along with the changing hormones of her body due to the pregnancy, Buffy was drained and exhausted. Wordlessly, Angelus carried her into the bedroom and laid her down. She was fast asleep mere moments later.

That was close to two hours ago and at this moment, Angelus was lying on his side beside her, staring at her slumbered form for the past half an hour. Throughout the time she was asleep, Angelus had time to think. He was over the moon of the news but seeing her reaction tore him apart.

A part of him still doesn't believe her words and yet, seeing her breakdown unnerved him. He knew she was uncertain, undoubtedly afraid…there was definite hesitance but why would she decipher that to not being able to have the baby? The words she uttered was full of anguish that if one does not know her the way Angelus did would believe every word she said.

He has seen her compassion when she speaks of her friends that she has held dear for many years, he has felt the depth of her emotions when she talks about her late parents, he had experienced the warmth of her heart whenever she kissed him, whenever she held him close or whenever he was cradling her in his arms. When he was so deep inside her, feeling heavenly bliss approaching, with her eyes looking deep into his, her beautiful soul within his grasp, he knew no other women could give him that. How can she think she doesn't deserve this gift they created? Was she glutton for punishment?

He cupped her face, caressing her cheek tenderly. As always, his heart was filled with warmth and love just looking at her. He wished to understand her reasoning behind it all. He guessed it had to do with her past, which he had absolutely no interest in knowing but seeing her like this, perhaps he needed to.

At his touch, she stirred and moments later, his chocolate orbs were locked onto her hazel-green ones. She hated how he still could stare at her with the same warmth and love despite breaking his heart about her declaration of not deserving the babe currently insider her. She hated herself more for wanting and craving his comfort, knowing that she did not deserve an ounce of it.

Before she could turn away, Angelus held her face firmly not allowing her to move.

"I don't know why you think you don't deserve this", placing a palm on her stomach.

"You keep saying that you can't love…that I can't understand. I'm right here. Make me understand. Please…I deserve to know", Angelus pleaded.

He was right. The baby was his as much as it was hers. Hers…this was her baby; a momentarily thought fleeted in her. She shook it off and sat up slowly. He followed suit. Thus began the tale of a once innocent girl who was brought up with love and wisdom but it was stolen from her at the tender age of 12.

Thereafter, she was raised by her wealthy uncle who despite loving her dearly ended marrying a shrewd woman who competed for her uncle's affections. When they had a daughter of their own, she ensured that his young niece knew her place, that she was not given the same comfort nor opportunities of her daughter.

Caught between his responsibilities of a husband and father and love for his one and only niece, he tried his best to provide and fulfil his roles fairly despite the challenges. Ultimately, due to circumstances beyond his control, he would unintentionally upset and disappoint her. As she grew into adolescence, she would reply the disappointments with rebellion and was deemed to be a difficult teen, drawing her uncle up the wall.

By the time she graduated high school, fed-up with her antics, her uncle was slightly relieved that she had chose to move away, to matriculate in a college in California, away from the comfort of a place she called home. On and off, her uncle would reach out to her, genuinely concerned for her welfare and she would half-heartedly answer his cumbersome phonecalls. After graduation, when she was offered a job at Wolfram Hart at 22 years old, delightful of having financial indepence, she had no interest in depending on her uncle anymore and feels unobligated to answer his calls.

The sunny state of California was where she was introduced to the heights of sexual pleasure, the divinity of reaching pure bliss the French nicknamed 'little death'. Taught by a master teacher, she savoured the new found knowledge and not long after, earned the title of an aficionado herself, deemed to surpass her master.

Drowning in her sexual tryst, she relished all the pleasure copulation could bring her. Strings of lovers vie for her attention, eager to please her and she was more than happy to entertain them, feeding their ego and giving their manly confidence a boost when really, she was merely fulfilling her own need. Emotions had no meaning. Love was for immature children. For a long time, it worked for her. She used men, squeezed them for all they were worth and when she was bored with them or when the men started begging for her affection, she discarded them aside without remorse, merely moving on to the next conquest.

"I am not this good person you think I am. I don't love anything or anyone and this…this…I won't be able to love…I can't have this baby, Angel. I just can't", she concluded.

Angelus' mind was racing as he listened to her story. He went through a range of emotions from sadness, anger, pity, and utter disbelief as she recounted her past. It was a lot for him to absorb. He needed to think but he couldn't do that with her there so he left, telling her to give him time and space.

She conceded; what more can she do? But the thought that this could possibly end of perhaps the only true relationship she ever had was heartbreaking and for the first time, she shed tears for a lover.

It had been twelve days, almost two weeks she hasn't seen or heard from Angelus. It was the longest time they've been apart and as much as she tries to hide it, she was miserable and people around her were starting to notice.

Her colleagues were seeing a different Buffy coming to work. She was actually good at hiding it and proved by still exuding confidence, still ensure she was impeccably dressed but her mind; her concentration always seems to be somewhere else. It was obvious during their interactions.

She turned away from her friends and their efforts to reach out to her were fruitless. Her own well-being was forgotten and sustenance was often ignored but carrying another life had grievous consequences and it was during a meeting when a dizzy spell came over her.

Ignoring the constant pounding, she shook her head in hopes that it will go away only it didn't and the next thing she knew, it was black. When she came to, there was a constant beeping ringing in her ears.

"Miss Summers?" an unfamiliar voice called.

Buffy opened her eyes but everything hurts. Her head was heavy and the overwhelming pain tried to lure her back into the subconscious.

"Miss Summers, can you hear me?" the voice called out again.

She groaned and tried to lift her head but the world was spinning. The pain was unbearable. She knew she was succumbing to the pain and she was journeying back into darkness but before that, she called out a name. A name that always gives her comfort, a name she misses, a name she needed more than ever.

"Angel…" she whimpered before allowing darkness to take her.

The doctor frowned catching on the word but overcome with concern of the well-being of his patient, he quickly directed to his attention to her vitals and called for his nurses to retrieve the necessary dosage of medication to ensure that his patient was okay.

The sand underneath her feet was heavenly as she leaned her head back and breathing deep, loving the smell of the sun and sea breeze. Sounds of waves crashing against the shore were like music to her ears. It was serene and she was reminded of happier times with her parents, playing tag with her father while her mother sat not far away, taking food out of the picnic basket to prepare for lunch.

Her sentimental mind was pulled out by a welcomed distraction. A pair of arms wrapped her waist, pulling her back against a broad chest. Lips found her neck and she smiled at the ministration as she cupped his nape and turned to give him a soft peck on her lips.

"What are you doing out here? It's almost lunch."

"It's just so beautiful out here, don't you think?"

"Mmmhmmm", he agreed nuzzling her neck.

"Can we just stay here and not go back?"

"We can stay here for as long as you want".

"How's forever? Does forever work for you?"

"With you, forever doesn't seem like long enough".

She laughed calling him corny but he didn't care. He was just a man deeply in love with the woman in his arms. He turned her and kissed her with vigour feeling like he was the luckiest man on earth.

"But you still married me so you're stuck with this corny man for the rest of your life", he teased her when they broke away.

"Well, he didn't leave me with much of a choice. He kept following me around like a love-sick puppy".

"And I'll keep following you till the end of this earth".

"Again with the corniness. Baby, you don't need to keep sweet talking me. I'm married to you already".

He cupped her cheek, nuzzling her nose.

"Five years…"

"…and counting", she smiled at him before leaning in for a kiss.

"I love you", he told her.

"I love you", she found herself replying easily, the warmth bubbling inside,making her giddy.

"Mommy!...Daddy!"

A little voice called breaking the couple's attention. They turned to see a girl with eyes of hazel-green and hair of wavy chocolate sprinting towards them as fast as her little legs could take her. She spread her arms to welcome her young daughter's arrival and the child jumped into her arms wrapping her small arms around her mother's waist.

She hugged her daughter tightly and kissed the brown locks her child inherited from her husband. The husband in question simply grinned at the sight which was pure perfection in his eyes.

"I'm hungry", her daughter chimed.

"Me too. So Daddy, what's for lunch?"

"Anything my girls want".

The mother and child looked at each other mischievously, trying to scheme the willing man. He wasn't ashamed to admit that he was whipped. He would give the whole world to the two most important women in his life.

"Mac and cheese!" the little girl chimed.

"Steaks!" her mom requests.

"Chicken fingers!" the little girl added.

The young family laughed as the husband replied, "If that's what my babies want then that's what they'll get".

"Yeayyy!" his daughter exclaimed in excitement.

He scooped his daughter from his wife and together, they made their way into their beach front home where he would start cooking and they would sit and watch him while chattering away.

She hears a beeping sound and stopped. She looked around trying to locate the incessant sound but found nothing. She turned back and saw her family some distance away, not noticing her halt with the father and daughter animatedly engrossed in a conversation. Ignoring it, she jogged towards her family wanting to join them but she hears a voice whispering her name and the voice got louder and louder and the next thing she knew, the beach, the skies, the sea, even her family was becoming a blur like a mirage in a scorching desert.

"No", she called out.

And then it all disappeared.

"She's back", she hears a voice.

Buffy opened her eyes but immediately closed it, the blinding light hurting her. The sanitised, clean air gave her a headache making her want to vomit.

"Hey there, sweetums. Can you hear me?"

'Turn the light off', she thought she said but no one reacted.

"I need you to keep your eyes open, pudding", he said again.

'It hurts' she thought.

"I know it hurts sugar, but try and open your pretty eyes".

'No, let me sleep'.

"Only for a moment, dumpling".

'Ugh, fine'.

Once again, she pried her eyes open, the pain still unbearable but her vision was returning. She sees a man smiling down on you.

"There you are, sweetheart. Just look at me for a second okay?...that's good…just keep looking at me….good…good" he kept talking to her.

'Can you go away already?'

"Do you know where you are?"

Buffy didn't answer, wanting to go back to sleep.

"Stay with me, stay with me…just a few more minutes then you can go back to sleep ok. Just a few more moments okay, sugar plum".

"That's good", he complimented her as she forced her eyes to focus on him.

"I'm Dr. Lorne and you're at Cedars Sinai".

"Why?" she rasped, finding her voice.

"Well, you fainted in the office yesterday."

"Fainted?"

"Yes, what do you last remember?"

"Um…"she frowned trying to recall".

"Meeting…I was a little dizzy. I must have fainted after…I don't really remember".

"Someone hasn't been taking care of herself. Your vitals were extremely low and your stomach was practically empty. When was the last time you ate?"

"I…don't know".

"Well, sweetheart you need to be more careful especially with the growing life inside of you".

Buffy's eyes widened, suddenly remembering. 'The baby!' her mind exclaimed and her hand held her stomach.

"Is the baby…"

"Your baby's fine but you need to start taking better care of yourself. You're underweight and malnourished. If you continue on this path, you and your baby will be in danger".

Her mind reeled back to the young girl in her dreams, with hair spun of dark auburn and eyes of precious emerald. She was split in two. On one hand, she was sure a baby wasn't in the books for her but on the other, the happiness she felt being a mother wasn't unlike any other. It was just a dream but the warmth and joy she felt was surreal, it was almost tangible.

What is the meaning of this? She can't love, she doesn't deserve this babe inside of her and yet, the worry and fear she feels that the small life was endangered couldn't be denied.

Angelus was unhappy. It had been 14 days, 13 hours and 49 minutes since he last saw Buffy. With each passing second, he felt like throwing all his doubts and hesitation into the wind and run to her to say how much he missed her. That whatever confusion, fear and uncertainty that's coming they'll face it together.

Things started to make sense to him. Her behaviour, her reluctance to open up to people, the walls she kept up, how she refrain from having any forms of attachment, it all began to make sense. The past she recounted to him was a lot to take in but as time passed and the dust had settled, he realized that it didn't change the way he felt nor does it matter to him who she was in the past. He saw little semblance of that promiscuous girl to the woman he knew and grew to love.

This woman he fell for was still guarded and it took a while for her to open up to him but as she was unraveling, he saw her heart and all he wanted was to keep it safe and made sure no harm would come to her. Now knowing her past, he understood why she kept saying she didn't deserve the baby. Why she can't love or believe she wasn't a good person. It convinced him of his initial assessment of her words about the baby. It wasn't sincere but was spouted out of fear and her belief of her self-worth. It was the cause of those unwelcoming thoughts.

He rubbed his temples, frustrated at the predicament he was in. How was he to convince her that she was every bit deserving of love and this beautiful gift they created if she's already believed that she was unworthy?

His office phone rang, snapping him out of his dilemma. Pressing the button, Robert's voice came through the intercom. "Sir, Bryan Compton and his team is here".

Angelus frowned and looked at his computer's calendar that holds all his appointments. There was no meeting scheduled with him.

"We don't have an appointment today."

"I know, sir but he says that there are some preposition of the new business deal he would like to discuss".

Angelus rubbed his face. He wasn't in the greatest of moods…hasn't been since his separation from Buffy and he really didn't feel he had it in him to act all corporate and professional. But he knew the value of this partnership and if he were to expand his business, it'd be wise not to make things difficult. He didn't have anything on at the moment and his next meeting is not until after lunch. He was about to ask Robert to prepare the meeting room before a thought occurred to him. He pressed the button again.

"His whole team…even legal?" he asked firmly to mask the wariness of coming face to face with the woman he has thoroughly missed.

"Yes, sir. His entire team is with him".

Bracing himself, he took a deep breath to prepare his heart for the potentially personal implication while conducting this professional setting. Not faltering his stable voice, he said, "Prepare meeting room 2. I will be there shortly."

"Yes, sir".