Toni was getting ready to go to Fatin's little get together. Fatin organized parties in her dorm almost every week. Each time her room was full of people dancing and drinking, most of whom Toni had never met before. This week, however, Fatin was keeping it chill. It would only be a small soiree for her friends. You guys better show up on Saturday I barely saw you this week she had texted the group chat. Toni and Fatin hung out with the same people so they ultimately became friends too.
Toni put on her blue button-up shirt and a pair of jeans and started heading to Fatin's. She would have stopped to pick up Martha on her way there, but she would rather sit through 5 additional hours of lecture rather than be around Shelby getting ready for a party. She always put on her "makeover" playlist that solely consisted of 2000's pop music and Taylor Swift. Toni didn't believe in God, but if there was one, she was sure He sent Shelby to test her patience. Martha loved her roommate though and the rest of her friends seemed to vibe with Shelby a lot, so Toni tolerated her too. She just didn't trust her, although she couldn't pinpoint why.
When she reached Fatin's dorm, everyone was already there.
"Finally!" Fatin said opening the door "Who were you getting ready for that made you take so long?"
"What? No one" Toni said defensively "aren't you the one always preaching self-love and dressing up for yourself and shit?" she added with an ironic smile.
"You want a drink?" Dot yelled from the back of the room but she was already getting a solo cup ready for her friend.
"Sure… so did I miss anything?"
"The girls here were telling Shelby she should break up with her boyfriend. What's your opinion?" Nora filled in.
Toni turned to see the blonde girl for the first time since she entered the room. She looked beautiful like every other time, dressed in dark jeans and a white blouse. And of course, her cross necklace was not missing. I swear this girl can't leave her room unless she looks like she left a fucking photoshoot Toni thought.
"Actually I don't wanna hear it!" Shelby protested "Look, I know it's not perfect but what long-distance relationship is? We have our ups and downs like any other couple but Andrew is a sweetheart".
They have had this conversation a few times already. Dot disliked Andrew a lot, she met him when he came to visit Shelby the weekend before classes started. She was convinced he would cheat a week into the long-distance period of their relationship. Fatin was sure he already went down that path long ago.
"When was the last time you even talked to him?" Toni asked ready to jump on the opportunity to annoy Shelby.
"I don't know like a week ago?" the Texan sighted.
"You talk to me more often than that and you hate me!" Toni laughed.
"I don't hate you that's your thing" Shelby gave a mocking smile that Toni reciprocated.
"Guys, leave her and Andrew alone! We don't know their relationship. If Shelby is happy why do we care? Plus if you really love someone you don't need to talk to them every day to have a strong relationship" Martha jumped in the conversation to support her roommate who gave her a sad smile and looked down.
"Anyway, I really don't care about any stupid boyfriend shit. Leah, can you play some music?" Rachel interrupted.
"Yes sir! What song does your heart desire?" Leah replied and Rachel just rolled her eyes. She was usually the cold one of the friend group but she had a soft spot for Leah, a consequence of spending time together in the gym. Leah put her music on shuffle and reached for another drink. Don't Wanna Fall In Love by KYLE was the first song to play.
"Fuck, I love that song!" Toni exclaimed and rapped along the lyrics giving Fatin the opportunity to add to her instagram story.
"Honestly I'm better as your boy! I'd be kinda shitty as your man! Let's go back to only being friends. Sorry girl, I hope you understand" Toni sang looking at Fatin's phone.
I don't wanna fall in love
"Nope" she raised her cup.
"Yeah, okay heartbreaker." Dot laughed.
"You know me" Toni gave a smug smile.
"Oh shut up Toni you are literally the biggest softie in this room. I've seen you try to flirt with girls, you are a nervous disaster." Martha shot down her best friend and the rest of the girls laughed.
"Not true!"
"Um remember when that redhead asked you out and-"
"No no no, we are NOT bringing that up again! No one needs to know that story" Toni cut her off.
"I wanna hear the story," Shelby said playfully.
"Never" Toni dragged the word as she said it and made direct eye contact for intimidation points.
"Hey Toni quick, truth or dare?" Fatin jumped, finding an opportunity to make her friends uncomfortable. They said they just couldn't get along but all Fatin saw was sexual tension. She made a few jokes once in a while only to be met by either of the girls' death stares.
"Fuck off Fatin" Toni growled and went for a second drink.
A few drinks later, the girls were all dancing around clumsily to Leah's playlist. Fatin's bigger parties were all fun but the girls were always grateful to spend some nights with just each other. There weren't many better ways to spend your Saturday night than getting drunk with your best friends. Fatin was always the last one to feel the alcohol kicking in, she had a pretty high tolerance. Martha, on the other hand, was not trained at all and so after a few drinks, she was the first one to get drunk.
"Wait, wait, I wanna play a song," Dot said as she stumbled to Leah's phone. She put on Jolene by Dolly Parton. "It's missing Texas hours," she said, looking to Shelby for approval.
"That's a classic, I gotta give you that," Toni said and Nora agreed.
"No but that is such an interesting song though," Leah said a bit drunkenly "cause if you listen to it thoroughly it is actually gay. I mean the way she talks about Jolene… It's like she is in love with her"
"How do you make everything gay?" Shelby smiled but Toni could swear she saw her make a face at the sound of Leah's comment.
"I am a gay English major, Shelby, that is literally my job," Leah said with a serious tone and made her friends laugh "I mean I am bi, but you get the point"
"What? You have a problem with that?" Toni confronted Shelby.
"No that is not what I meant at all," The girl tried to deescalate the situation " It's just that I never thought about it like that before"
"Yeah instead of fighting maybe you two would like to keep an eye on your kid there?" Fatin said and nodded at Martha who was napping on Fatin's carpet in an effort to avoid serious conflict.
"Fuck Marty, how much did you drink?" Toni asked her best friend but all she got for an answer was incoherent mumbling.
"I think it's time to call it a night. Toni, will you help me get her back?" Shelby said and got up to help her roommate. Fortunately, Martha was responsive and could still walk. It turned out she was just very sleepy and drunk rather than dangerously wasted. The pair said goodnight to their friends, picked up Martha and walked her back to her dorm. The walk from Fatin's dorm was quite pleasant in the morning, but in the middle of the night, Shelby wasn't very eager to walk alone in the darkness. She was grateful Toni came along, even though she knew that she wouldn't even think about it if it wasn't for Martha. Toni's aggressiveness was usually her least favorite trait of the girl, but it did give her a feeling of comfort this time. After they reached her room, Toni helped her put Martha to bed. She drifted to sleep almost immediately.
"Thanks for helping me out" Shelby turned to Toni after Martha fell asleep.
"Yeah of course. You know I would die for Marty" the brunette smiled.
"Yeah"
"Anyway, um, I should go back to my room it's late"
"Let me walk you there," Shelby offered unsure of why "It's too late to walk alone" She added quickly to justify her thought.
"Fine" Toni said, too tired to protest.
Neither of the girls talked on the way to Toni's room. They weren't sure how to talk to each other. Casual banter didn't feel right in the air of intimacy that the night holds and the lack of sobriety didn't make things easy. They were outside of Toni's building when Shelby broke the silence.
"Why do you hate me?"
Toni stopped, a bit surprised, and looked at the blonde girl, debating how to answer her question.
"I don't hate you. I just don't trust you," she finally replied, "and I am looking out for my best friend, that's all. I don't want her to get hurt."
"How would I ever hurt Martha? Why would I do that?"
"Look, Martha thinks you are this angel of a person who would never hurt anyone. You got her fooled with your whole 'Love thy neighbor' shit but I don't buy it. I can see the hate you hide underneath" Toni said not caring to hide her dislike.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Shelby asked, a bit irritated.
"Oh please, I didn't forget your little comment when Leah talked about the Jolene song. Homophobic much?" Toni was getting more annoyed as the conversation continued.
"Oh, that is what this is about?" Shelby laughed, but her laughter betrayed a hint of anger.
"You know, you are, like, convinced that I am the bad guy and that you never had anything but friendly intentions as if you don't also hate me. You can't stand me, admit it." Toni provoked. She wanted to get a rise out of Shelby to prove she was right.
"You know what? No, I can't." Shelby snapped, growing increasingly frustrated, "I can't stand your attitude and your everlasting anger and your.. your-"
"My what?" Toni shot back. "Just fucking say it! I make things too gay for you and it fucking drives you mad!"
Just as Toni finished her thought she felt Shelby's hands grabbing her face and pulling her close in a sudden movement. Shelby's lips caught her by surprise. For a second, she froze, not being able to feel anything but the burning sensation on her lips. After her initial shock, Toni's hands moved to Shelby's waste, as she kissed her back. At that moment, everything made sense for Toni. She could feel a wave of confusion waiting to hit her, but at that moment all she could focus on was how the blonde girl felt in her arms. But in the same abrupt way that she kissed her, Shelby pulled away. She looked Toni in the eyes and without saying a word she ran away. Toni was too shocked to act fast enough. By the time she snapped out of it and was able to move, Shelby had already disappeared in the night. The girl cursed her usually good reflexes for deciding to bail on her in a moment of crisis. She was worried for Shelby; it was the middle of the night after all. But her head was spinning like crazy --not clear if it was because of the alcohol or the kiss-- and Toni didn't wanna risk upsetting Shelby even more, so she decided to just text her instead.
Just sent me an ok if you are back safe
She tried to keep it as simple and chill as possible. The last thing she wanted was to appear demanding. Toni went back to her room and got ready to sleep. She tried to relax and fall asleep but her mind was running back to everything that happened. She was turning around in her bed, as quietly as she possibly could, so as to not wake up her roommate who was probably in her 7th dream already. Her roommate was a quiet girl from New York who studied physics. They never really talked about anything other than the essentials. She was a good roommate, but she and Toni just weren't friends outside of the room. Toni spent most of her time at Martha's room anyway. It was never quiet there, she and Shelby were always up to something. Her mind went back to Shelby. All this time Toni thought she hated her, but she had to be wrong. Shelby wouldn't have kissed her if she hated her, right? Toni was very confused about the kiss. They were both drunk, but she wasn't sure if that made it less or more sincere. She could still feel her lips burning in the total darkness of the room. Her phone's screen lit up cutting through the black veil that covered the room. Toni checked to see a notification pop up. She smiled seeing Shelby's name on her screen.
Ok
Toni put her phone down in relief. She felt her eyelids getting heavy and she realized how late it was. She was just glad Shelby was okay, for now. She would worry about everything else tomorrow, she thought, and she let herself drift away in her dreams.
Chapter 2: Let's Talk Over A Cup A Coffee
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Sunday passed without Toni getting a chance to see Shelby. Between basketball practice and catching up on homework, Toni never had time on Sundays. She would have texted Martha asking to study together in her room, but she knew that she would not be able to do any work if her roommate was there so she chose to go to the library with Leah instead. She was expecting to see Shelby on Monday anyway. Toni worked at the campus cafe part-time on weekdays and she always saw Shelby coming in to get her green tea before her class. She couldn't remember the last time she worked a shift without her showing up. She found it weird how fixated the Texan was on her daily routine, but now she was wondering if there was more to it than she initially figured. What were the chances that Shelby came to the cafe for her and not for the tea?
It was the first time Toni woke up excited for a Monday. She jumped out of her bed as if she got an adrenaline injection, surprising both herself and her roommate, who was used to listening to the alarm go off for too long every morning. She was as energetic as she was nervous getting ready for her classes. She grabbed her skateboard and left her dorm. Toni actually arrived early for her lecture, she got a seat near the exit so she could leave as fast as possible once it was over. Her first class went by fine, but her second felt like torture. Toni couldn't focus on her professor to save her life. After a while, she gave up on trying to participate and watched the clock instead, fidgeting her pen between her fingers. Time was dragging too slow and running too fast at the same time. Toni couldn't wait to get out of that class, but the thought of actually talking to Shelby was nerve-wracking.
When she finally got to the cafe her heart was beating so loud, she was sure her coworkers could hear it. Standing behind the counter, she had perfect visibility of the open space. Every movement caught her attention and provoked her nerves. She tried to calm down using grounding techniques Nora had taught her and focused on her tasks to distract herself. The sound of the door opening made Toni jump each time, looking towards the people walking in hopefully, only to be disappointed when she didn't see Shelby's face. But she would show up. She had too, Toni thought, Shelby never misses her green tea. Maybe she should start preparing the tea now, to have her order ready in advance. Toni stopped herself on that thought, taken aback by what her brain neurons were producing. She was grateful no one could read her mind at that moment. If Fatin heard that thought she would never let Toni hear the end of it. Besides, what if Shelby didn't come at all? Then she would be even more pathetic with an extra cup of green tea in her hands.
Toni shook herself out of it. She didn't care about Shelby, at least not in that way, and she was sure Shelby didn't care about her. Or at least she was a couple days ago.
After an hour into her shift, Toni accepted that Shelby wouldn't show up. It shouldn't bother her but she couldn't help it. Shelby was an adult who could take care of herself; she shouldn't worry about her, Toni decided. But the day passed and there was no sign of her and then Tuesday went by too and Toni didn't see Shelby at all, not even when she met the rest of the girls for dinner. Leah noticed her absence from the long dining hall table as well.
"Where is Shelby? Is she not joining us?" she asked casually.
"No, she said she had to study for a quiz or something and she would go to the library" Martha excused her roommate.
"That's unusual. Is she okay?" Nora asked, observing a change of behavior on her friend.
"I bet she had a fight with Andrew," Dot began, "You know how she gets when she is upset".
The words hit Toni like bullets. She looked down, playing with the food on her plate in silence. She remembered Shelby's scared face right before she started running that Saturday night. Toni had completely forgotten about Andrew. She couldn't help but feel responsible for Shelby's absence.
"Hey Toni, you okay?" Rachel asked, pulling Toni back to reality.
"What?" the girl looked up.
"You are awfully quiet. No snarky comments about Shelby or her boyfriend?"
"Um no…it's only cool if she is there to hear it. Otherwise, it's a dick move" Toni said quietly and focused on her food again. Her brain hadn't been cooperating with her the past few days. It kept going back to Shelby at every opportunity and the radio silence was not helping at all. Toni decided that she couldn't let the situation go on like this. She had to talk to her.
The next day she tried to come up with a plan on how to do that. The hardest part was finding out where Shelby would be. Toni could ask Martha, but she had to come up with an excuse that would make sense. Otherwise, it would be suspicious if Toni, who flinched at the mention of her roommate, asked her where she could find Shelby for a private conversation. Toni was thinking of all the details for her masterplan while making coffee for the students who spent their lunch breaks at the campus cafe.
"Hey Mateo, what's a good excuse to meet someone?" she turned to her coworker for help. Mateo was a senior, but they got along great despite the age difference. He was a kind person and he didn't talk a lot, which is the best quality a man could have in Toni's eyes.
"What do you mean?" the boy replied, used to Toni's mischiefs by now.
"Like, if I wanna meet someone and I don't want people to ask questions… what do I tell them?" Toni didn't have a problem being more open with Mateo. He knew to mind his own business so she trusted him.
"Um… I don't know you could say you have to study together? Or a project or something?"
"What if we don't have any classes together?"
"You could tell your friends you are meeting your drug dealer" Mateo joked.
"Yeah okay, you are no help" Toni sighed and went back to her work.
No matter how much she tried, she couldn't come up with a believable lie for Martha. But it turned out she didn't have to; luck was on her side that day. She was cleaning up the counter when Shelby walked in. Her body tensed up in the sight and she accidentally knocked a cup over. The blonde girl spotted Toni and approached her. Toni wanted to talk to Shelby ever since Saturday night but watching her walk towards her made her swallow her tongue.
"Hi." she managed to mutter, her eyes not being able to register anything besides the girl in front of her.
"Hey, can we talk?" Shelby said in a worried tone.
"Um.. yeah," Toni looked around nervously, moving her arms around awkwardly unsure what exactly to do with them "Mateo, can you cover for me for five minutes?" she said, not waiting for her coworker to answer. She followed Shelby outside the cafe, where they could have more privacy.
"What's up?" Toni started the conversation.
"You haven't told anyone about… um… you know" Shelby didn't finish her sentence. Toni didn't reply immediately to give her time to finish her thought. "Have you?" Shelby added impatiently, her face filled with worry.
"No, of course not," Toni reassured her. She tried to catch Shelby's eyes but the girl wouldn't look her in the eyes. "Are you okay? Look, if you wanna talk about it-"
"There is nothing to talk about" Shelby cut her off sharply, finally making eye contact.
"Shelby… " Toni sighed.
"Look, I was drunk…" Shelby paused reevaluating her words, "We were both drunk. I wasn't thinking clearly. I am sober now. We should leave what happened in the past". Toni couldn't help but notice Shelby fidgeting with the cross around her neck as she was talking.
"Okay, so we are just pretending nothing happened, I see" Toni scoffed, feeling her irritation grow. Getting angry was probably not the most productive way to carry this conversation, but Toni wasn't exactly a master of emotional control.
"Look, Toni!" Shelby whisper-shouted and moved closer to Toni to make sure she was the only one who could hear "Last Saturday was a mistake. It was wrong and we should forget it happened" Shelby asserted. She was always the calm and collected friend of the group, holding onto her positivity like a treasure. Toni had never before seen her like this. The mix of anger and fear behind Shelby's eyes unsettled her. Shelby took a step back and regained her composure. "I have a boyfriend," she said as a reminder, although Toni wasn't sure who it was aimed at.
"Oh please, don't bring HIM up" Toni laughed in frustration. She took a deep breath to clear her mind. "Anyway, Shelby… whatever you want. I have to go back to work" she said and walked away, but she stopped herself in front of the cafe door. Toni looked back at the blonde girl, "Look, whenever you are ready… I am here for you" and with that, she went back inside.
"So I am assuming you are no longer looking for an excuse to talk to that someone?" Mateo asked, trying to lighten up the mood after Toni got back behind the counter.
"Yeah, no that fucking blew up in my face" she chuckled, "I mean I don't know what the fuck I was expecting to be honest". Toni was mad at herself for not predicting this outcome. Mateo didn't say anything, he just gave her a sad smile and went back to work.
"Oh and Mat, can you do me a favor?" Toni pleaded but her coworker already knew what she was thinking.
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed" he said pretending to zip his mouth shut
"Thanks. You are a real one"
"Yeah yeah you are cleaning the dishes though"
"Fuck you, you are taking advantage of me" Toni laughed, feeling glad she didn't have to go through the torture of this job alone.
Notes:
Happy NYE! this is my gift for 2021 I guess lol 3
Chapter 3: Favourite Worst Nightmare
Notes:
A Shelby pov
Chapter Text
Shelby hadn't been able to sleep through the night in a while, her mind was always so restless. When she closed her eyes a million thoughts went by so fast she could barely make any sense of them. When she managed to fall asleep, she kept having dreams that she was being chased. Her pursuer was different every time, sometimes a dangerous animal and other times some abstract monster created by Shelby's troubled mind. In her dream, she was running and running and no matter how much she ran, the monster always found a way to catch up with her. She could not escape, she had to be caught by her chaser. But when the creature got close enough, she always jumped wide awake. The pattern continued today as well, just like most mornings these past couple of weeks. Shelby couldn't go back to sleep so she decided to get up, even if her alarm told her she still had time to bond with her bed. But Shelby didn't mind the early start at all, because she found out waking up before anyone else meant she got the bathroom all for herself.
In the early morning hours, she had total privacy to brush her teeth and clean her dental flipper. Before going to college, she was worried living with a roommate would make it hard to keep her secret safe. But after a month and a half of living together, Martha had no idea and Shelby intended to keep it that way. To her, her flipper felt like an armor; with it, she was beautiful and powerful, no one doubted her with her perfect smile. But without it she was vulnerable, her flaws were exposed for the world to see and she knew they wouldn't like what was in front of their eyes. Some days she wished she could just tell someone --anyone-- so the weight of the secret would be lifted, but the shame she felt was just too much to let that happen. She finished her morning hygiene routine and looked in the mirror. She put her hair up in a bun, not caring about the messiness of it. Shelby had given up on straightening her hair every day like she used to do in high school. She simply didn't have the time or energy anymore. It's true what they say about college changing you, she thought.
She found a peaceful moment in the cold silence of the room and her mind went back to her conversation with Toni. The image of the girl standing in front of the cafe's door flooded her mind. Remembering the pain in her face before she entered the building made Shelby's heartache, but her brain wouldn't let her dive deeper into her memory to find a happier image, in fear of bringing up moments she was dying to forget. Shelby took a deep breath and tried to focus on the new day instead. She went back to her room, got dressed, and decided to leave. Martha was still sleeping and she didn't wanna risk waking her up by staying in the room. She grabbed her bag and her pink hoodie and headed for the campus quad. Her hoodie would probably prove useless but she still wanted to be prepared for any case. One of the reasons she had applied to this school was the weather after all. Shelby knew she wouldn't survive the cold winters of the north so she decided to go to California for her education. Her dad wasn't as excited as her when they learned she would move out of state, "California is so far away, how will I be able to look after you?" she remembers him saying. But the school had a strong curriculum and good reputation, so he eventually gave in, despite his dislike of the Golden State.
Shelby reached the quad, scanning for a comfortable place to put her stuff down. A few people were walking around, probably heading to their morning classes, a couple of others were laying on the grass enjoying the sunny day. Shelby found a tree away from the rest of the students and sat down, looking for a few moments of relaxation before her classes started. She put on her earphones and closed her eyes, ready to immerse herself in the music, when her phone rang. She picked up her phone only to see Andrew's name on the caller ID.
"Hey," she said slightly surprised. It seemed impossible to find him on the phone these days and now he called out of nowhere.
"Hello, baby, how are you?" Andrew's voice sounded through the phone.
"Um, I am good… What's up, how come you called?" Shelby said shaking off her initial shock.
"What, can I not just talk to my girlfriend?" he laughed.
"It's just not like you to call like that… You haven't called in a while"
"Yeah… I was... busy. You know, School and everything." He stuttered. Shelby didn't say anything, letting silence take over. "Well I got news for you" Andrew finally announced "I am visiting you this weekend!"
"What?" Shelby was truly shocked now.
"Yeah! My buddy here is visiting his cousin, it's like a 30-minute drive from your campus so I am going with him" Andrew explained.
"Wow, um, that's… big news" the girl was struggling to process the new information.
"Yeah! Isn't it exciting? I was gonna surprise you but my mom said I should check in to make sure you would be on campus" He laughed.
"Your mom?"
"Yeah, it was kind of her idea really…she said couples shouldn't be apart for too long… It can make you prone to sin or whatever" Andrew rambled but Shelby was barely paying attention "Anyway I can't wait to see you I missed you"
"Yeah.. me too" Shelby mumbled.
"Can't wait to hold you again… Maybe I could stay over for the night too… you know, to get more time together" Andrew's voice lowered.
"Um… " Shelby tensed up, "I… I don't think that's a good idea. My roommate will be here… and you know, I- I don't want to, um, inconvenience her" she stammered, cringing at her inability to form a proper sentence.
"Okay" Andrew answered confused "We'll talk about it… I gotta go now talk to you later. Bye babe," he said and hung up.
Shelby felt as if there wasn't enough air in the room to fill her lungs, despite sitting out in the open. Her mind was spinning like crazy. This week had already been wild enough for Shelby and now her boyfriend was visiting, too. But it was Andrew, her high school sweetheart, she reminded herself. Maybe she would actually feel better if he visited her. Maybe he would clear out the clouds that were cluttering her mind lately. No reason not to be excited, she told herself and she got up. Shelby took a deep breath to center herself. She had a long day of classes ahead of her.
Shelby's day continued far less eventfully than it started. Her classes were as boring as always, but she still enjoyed learning so time passed easier than she thought it would. She had lunch with her friends from drama club and decided to join them for milkshakes instead of getting her usual tea from the campus cafe. She wasn't ready to face Toni just yet, at least not alone. Maybe if Fatin or Martha were with her she could walk up to the counter and talk to her, but for now, she decided it was best for the both of them if she stayed away. She couldn't avoid Toni forever though, she was gonna meet her along with the rest of the girls for dinner later. Until then, she had time to organize her thoughts.
. . .
Dot: shelby wya? we are all at the dining hall already!
The milkshake run turned into an impromptu rehearsal so Shelby was a bit late for dinner.
Rachel: watch her ditch us again lol
Shelby : i am here!
Shelby sent the text as she walked into the busy dining hall. It was a long room with a high ceiling and rows of tables so long that they reached both sides of the hall, creating aisles. With its gloomy look, it had an otherworldly ambiance. The first time they were there, Fatin had called it "a less elegant, American version of Hogwarts". Shelby got her food first and then searched in the crowd to find her friends. She saw Martha and Nora waving their arms at her and walked up to their table finding a seat next to Dot.
"Look who finally showed up" Toni greeted her with a smirk. The blonde girl just gave a polite smile.
"So how was your day, Shelby?" Dot asked, happy to see her friend.
"Tiring really" She replied already thinking of the food in front of her.
"Well, my day was great" Rachel jumped into the conversation "Leah and I went to the gym today. She beat her time for fastest mile today! I am so fucking proud!" She exclaimed.
"Not to brag but yeah it's true" Leah grinned.
"I have no idea how you do it," Fatin blurted, "Working out? With exercise freak here? Yeah, count me out"
"Well, my therapist suggested I should exercise to help stay focused on life" Leah explained "plus Rachel and I have a great time together even if she won't admit it" she said lightly punching her gym buddy on the shoulder.
"Yeah whatever, you are not the worst" Rachel smiled.
"Actually, I, too, have news," Shelby announced, getting the attention of her friends "Andrew called me today."
"Breaking news, man calls his girlfriend. The nation is shocked" Toni mocked.
"Do you ever catch a break?" Fatin bantered.
"No" Martha deadpanned, answering for her best friend and making the group laugh.
"Anyway, as I was saying, Andrew called" Shelby took the spotlight again, "He said he is coming to visit this weekend"
Surprise took over the faces of her friends. Toni burst out laughing.
"That's sweet," Nora said, ignoring the brunette's laughter.
"Yeah, he wanted to surprise me" Shelby tried to focus on Nora and keep her smile on. Rachel hit Toni on the shoulder in an attempt to make her stop.
"I am sorry, I am sorry…" Toni took a second to calm down "I can't fucking wait to meet him." she told Shelby, smiling deviously, and got up to get water, leaving the table.
"Oh God," Shelby sighed "I need to make sure those two are never in the same room".
"You are kidding? I am not missing that!" Fatin chirped "Dot, we should go buy popcorn before the weekend! And alcohol! We could make a drinking game out of this".
"Take a shot every time Toni looks like she is about to commit murder" Nora joked.
"That is literally all the time, Nora, we will die playing that" Martha chuckled.
"Oh God, this is the worst nightmare I didn't even know I had," Shelby said dropping her head in her hands.
"I'm sorry Shelby," Martha tried to suppress her smile, "I am sure it will be fine, Toni is a mature person" she tried to reassure her friend.
"5 she will deck Andrew in the face" Dot challenged her friends.
"Oh, it's on Dorothy. I raise you: 10 she will kick him on the balls" Fatin said and extended her arm for a handshake.
"Bet" Dot shook her hand closing the deal, both girls having way too much fun with this.
"Y'all are the worst" Shelby groaned, already seeing disaster in her future.
Chapter 4: Mr. Brightside
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Toni's Friday passed easier than she expected. She had turned her attention on anything other than Shelby, a decision that proved very productive. After the news dropped that Andrew was visiting, Toni realized she would exhaust herself overthinking if she didn't find distractions. As long as she wasn't in the same room with Shelby, she could just concentrate on her homework or sports or the squirrels running around the quad. And it worked. For the first time since she got to California, Toni had managed to finish all of her homework before the weekend. She was very proud of herself. It turned out that all she needed was to replace "responsibilities" with "emotions" on the list of things to avoid.
It was already dark when Martha texted her to come hang out in her room. Apparently, Dot and Fatin were there studying as well, and Leah visited too because she was feeling lonely. Toni skated to Martha's room feeling carefree without homework and excited to meet her friends. She was very grateful she met them. She never before felt like she could depend on others, but now she knew her best friends would always be there for her. She had met Martha when she was still in Minnesota through a Facebook group for admitted students. Martha had reached out first, excited that she found another girl with a similar background to her. They became good friends immediately and they stuck together ever since. Toni had never met a purer person. She loved Martha with all of her heart and she knew Martha shared the same sentiment. Reminiscing meeting her best friend made Toni smile as she entered the building heading to Martha's room. She could hear her friends yelling behind the walls when she knocked. Dot's face appeared behind the door.
"Hey," she said letting Toni in, "Come in, we are chilling"
Toni followed her friend inside the room. Fatin was sitting on the floor surrounded by books and papers tossed around and Leah was laying next to her. Dot returned to her seat next to Fatin, going back to her books. Martha was also sitting on her desk occupied by her own books. Toni let her eyes wander to Shelby last. The girl was sitting on her bed playing on her phone, but she immediately put it down when she spotted Toni.
"I see you are having a proper party here" Toni commented, stepping over the papers on the floor and jumping on Martha's bed.
"Yeah partying real hard here learning about different types of chemical bonds" Fatin groaned "Yeah I can't do it anymore I am done for today" she finally gave up and closed her book.
"Where are the twins?" Toni noticed their absence.
"Um, Rachel has early morning practice tomorrow so she went to bed already and Nora has a date!" Leah answered, wiggling her eyebrows.
"A date?" Toni exclaimed, surprised.
"Yeah, his name is Quinn," Shelby explained. "They are in the same science class apparently. She told us in the group chat… I guess you missed your texts." She added her eyes turning to Toni.
"Yeah… I guess" Toni's efforts to forget the blonde girl for the day turned out completely fruitless the moment she heard her voice. Suddenly the dam was broken and everything she was trying to distract herself from flooded her brain.
"I am so excited for Nora" Martha moved her attention away from her homework, "I hope it works out for her. Ugh! Romance is so beautiful".
"Sweet innocent child" Fatin smiled at her friend "Romance is exhausting and men will almost always disappoint you"
"Women too" Toni added, her eyes meeting Shelby's momentarily. It was only a split second but it was enough to accelerate her pulse.
"I mean I don't know" Leah refuted, "Andrew is kinda coming through… visiting all the way here and everything. You must be excited, Shelby. When is he coming?"
"He is flying tonight, he'll be here tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see him" Shelby's reply made Toni scoff.
"What's wrong?" Shelby questioned.
"I didn't say anything"
"You obviously thought of something," the Texan pushed.
"I think it's better if I don't say it out loud" Toni shot back.
"Look… just be nice tomorrow. Can you promise me you won't start anything?" the blonde asked.
"No? Why would I ever do that?" Toni dismissed her.
"Please, Toni" Shelby sighed. Her face softened and her eyes looked at Toni's, pleading for her to comply with her wishes. Toni pulled Martha's pillow in front of her face and let out a muffled grown.
"Fine" she finally said "I'll behave… as long as he does, too. That's the best I can give you."
"Thank you" Shelby smiled and Toni hated how pretty her smile was.
"I told you puppy eyes would work. They always do" Martha smirked.
"You sneaky fuckers!" Her best friend shouted "Marty, how could you betray me like that? I hate this. I hate both of you, whose idea was to put you in the same room? Fucking grouping up against me, what is this?" Toni ranted and her friends just laughed with her reaction
"Such a drama queen" Fatin joked.
"You owe me Takis for this… all of you!" Toni growled.
…
Toni was already feeling nervous when she woke up. It was an exciting Saturday after all, she would finally meet Andrew after so many weeks of hearing about him. She didn't have high expectations for him, she already assumed the worst. She knew she was being unfair and that she should probably give him a chance to prove his worth, but Toni had no such intention. She was already looking forward to the moment he would leave their campus and she could go back to not caring whether he is alive or dead. She hadn't even seen him yet, but he still irritated her. However, for better or for worse, she had promised Shelby she would behave when she actually met him and Toni had every intention of keeping her word. She knew it would be hard to control her emotions, but she had time to prepare.
Toni's day was rather slow since she didn't have homework to do, a fact that still surprised her. She never thought she would be so grateful for Saturday practice, but it was a break from watching the clock ticking until it was time to meet Andrew. After practice ended, Toni had all the room to herself to get ready for the evening in peace. She wasn't sure if her friends had planned anything yet since she hadn't been checking her phone, but she knew they would all get together to meet Shelby's guest, so she was very deliberate with her appearance choices. After a while, she got very indecisive, though, and realized she needed a second opinion. But her roommate was nowhere to be seen and the emptiness of the room felt unbearable, so Toni decided to go skateboarding. She enjoyed spending some alone time going around campus on her board. Speeding around with music on her earphones calmed her down more than any amount of yoga could ever achieve. She had too much fire inside of her to just sit around and meditate. Skating was a much more exhilarating emotional outlet. She was passing in front of the theater when she heard a voice calling her name. Toni turned to see Shelby sitting on a bench by the street waving at her. Toni's eyes slipped from the girl to the man sitting next to her. At that moment everything else blurred out. The only thing she could focus on was the male figure across the street. She barely had time to absorb any information about him, when her board hit a crack on the ground. Toni felt her board beneath her feet violently moving away and her body lunged forward. She had enough time only to use her arms as a shield before she hit the ground. The impact was painful enough, but seeing Shelby rushing towards her, made Toni curse her situation even more.
"Toni! Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Shelby worried, kneeling down to help the fallen girl.
"No, I am fine," Toni said, checking to make sure nothing was broken. Her shoulder hurt from the collision, but it wasn't anything serious. Her ego had taken more damage than anything else.
"You good, soldier?" Toni heard a male voice with a heavy southern accent. She looked up to see a man with light brown hair and the most average face Toni had seen, looking at her. He was dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, making his look identical to any white teenage boy from a low budget sitcom. He offered his hand to Toni who was still on the ground. Toni picked up her things and got up by herself, rejecting his offer.
"Do not associate me with your imperialist institution" Toni deadpanned, making the guy chuckle for lack of a better reaction.
"Okay! You sound fine… " Shelby intervened "So Toni meet Andrew! Andrew this is Toni." she introduced the pair with a big smile.
"Hey" Andrew reached his arm out, once again, to close the introduction with a handshake. Toni shook his hand, putting as much strength in her grip as she could without it looking weird. She knew the rules; a firm handshake had a lot of influence over someone's first impression of you and Toni wanted to assert herself.
"Shelby has said so much about you" she forced a smile, but her eyes remained hostile.
"That's nice to hear" he chuckled but nothing about his attitude seemed sincere to Toni, "I am afraid she hasn't told me much about you, though" he added awkwardly.
"Oh well," Toni turned to his girlfriend and the girls locked eyes. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said sporting a genuine smile on her face this time. For a second a smirk appeared on Shelby's face, but the girl looked down before anyone could notice.
"Um, so… We were thinking we could all get together later today and, um, properly introduce everyone," The blonde said while her fingers fiddled with her cross necklace.
"Yeah, okay… Just, um, text the group chat." Toni said.
Shelby nodded in agreement and a moment of silence followed. Toni was sensing it was time to go.
"Okay, I gotta go, I should probably put some ice on this," she said, gesturing to her shoulder.
"Dot might have some" Shelby said, failing to hide her concern. Toni just smiled shyly.
"Alright, um, thanks… anyway… see you later" she waved goodbye and got on her board, putting all of her efforts into not falling off and embarrassing herself again.
Toni went directly to Dot's and Leah's room, after her encounter with the Texan couple. Shelby was right, if anyone could help her out with her injury it was Dot. She was the only person in their friend group with a proper first aid kit and she was always ready to take care of her friends. And she always did it without judging or interfering with their lives, which is what Toni needed the most right now. Upon reaching her friends' room, Toni found Dot playing on her phone and Leah laying with her head on Fatin's lap reading a book.
"You are here too?" She greeted her friend who was also hanging out there.
"Of course… You know these two can't survive without me." Fatin answered nodding towards the roommates.
"Hey, Toni. What brings you here?" Leah said lifting her eyes from the page she was reading.
"I was wondering if you have ice. I fell from my board. I kinda hurt my shoulder"
"Yeah, sure dude, we got a whole pharmacy here," Dot said getting up to look for her ice pouch.
"How did you fall? Was it bad?" Leah asked.
"I just missed a crack on the ground, nothing serious" Toni shrugged off. Dot found what she was looking for in the freezer of their mini-fridge and gave the pouch to her hurt friend.
"Thanks," Toni said, pulling up her sleeve and placing the ice on her shoulder.
"No problem" Dot smiled, "So what's up? How was your day?"
"So… I met Andrew" Toni tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. She could see her friends waiting for more information so she kept going. "Yeah, him and Shelby were chilling by the theater when I passed by so I stopped to say hi"
"What is he like? Do we like him?" Dot asked.
"God no. He looks like a douche." Toni said, clenching her jaw.
"Sounds like you had a rough day," Leah joked, "I mean, first you wipe out, and then you meet Andrew… Seems like you took a couple of hits''
"Wait! Did you fall in front of Shelby and Andrew?" Fatin's face lit up.
"No!" Toni protested, "Okay fine, yes! Shelby yelled hi and it caught me off guard! Are you happy now?" the girl snapped, her friends started laughing.
"Yeah, actually, I am very happy" Fatin continued laughing, "You fell in front of Shelby and Andrew? Yeah, that's hilarious."
"Fuck off" Toni groaned.
"Hey come on leave her alone" Dot tried to stop Fatin but she was still giggling herself, "I am sure Toni's ego is bruised enough already she doesn't need you rubbing it in her face"
"Thank you!" Toni exclaimed.
"I am sorry Toni. I sincerely apologize for making fun of you. Oh dear friend, is there anything I could ever do to make it up to you? Nothing would make me happier" Fatin said theatrically.
"Actually… you could help me pick an outfit" Toni confessed.
Fatin raised her eyebrows in surprise "You are asking me for fashion advice?"
"Yeah I guess," Toni said, playing with the ice pouch in her hands.
Fatin analyzed her friend and grinned. "Are you trying to impress someone, Toni? Who do you wanna look good for?" She teased.
"Fuck, yeah you got me" Toni threw her hands in the air "I am actually hopelessly in love with you and I've been trying to get you to notice me," she said keeping a serious face.
"Back off? Fatin's mine" Leah interrupted and interlocked her fingers with Fatin's.
"Okay girls, don't fight now. I have two hands" Fatin reassured.
"Yeah, and the other one is mine" Dot exclaimed.
"Looks like I am taken, sorry. Anyway, let's see… Red and black are the go-to colors to wear when you want to get attention. Maybe red is a bit too strong? What do you have in black?" Fatin rambled.
"Um, I have a-" Toni tried to answer but Fatin was already on the next thought.
"Stop, no, you are wearing the green shirt!" Fatin yelled in excitement.
"Huh? What?" Toni was not following.
"That's it! I got it! You are wearing the green shirt you bought when we went shopping a few weeks ago. The emerald green one Martha and Shelby picked? It matches the eyes, too! I am so smart" She smiled proudly.
"My eyes are brown smartass" Toni contested. Fatin just glared at her with such intensity that made Toni feel the hair on the back of her neck stand straight. "Okay… green shirt it is" she said in defeat.
"I could do your makeup, too!" Fatin added her smile reappearing as if it never left.
"That is not happening"
…
They were meeting at Shelby's and Martha's room after all. Toni took Fatin's advice and went with the green shirt. She couldn't help but feel nervous. Her first encounter with Andrew went rather well, given that there was no violence or name-calling, but that only lasted a couple of minutes. Being around him for hours was a different challenge, one she wasn't sure she could accomplish without her emotions getting the best of her. But she had promised Shelby she'd behave and that was giving her strength to go on. Toni was a bit late to the party. She decided to wait for Rachel's practice to be over so they could go together. When they finally reached the room, everyone else was already there. They were talking and laughing loudly, but Toni couldn't register what they were saying, it all blurred into white noise. Toni spotted Shelby, who was standing by Andrew. Her eyes examined the girl from head to toe, stopping on her stomach, exposed under the yellow crop top she was wearing. Shelby noticed Toni looking at her.
"What's up?" she asked confused.
"You have a belly button piercing." Toni noticed
"Yeah, I've had it for a while… Is there a problem?" Shelby was still confused.
"No, nope" Toni snapped out of it, "Why would there be a problem?" She said and let out a chuckle, making Shelby feel like she was out of some sort of inside joke. Toni took a deep breath, already struggling to keep her promise. She joined the rest of her friends who were sitting on the floor. Shelby put on a smile and sat next to her boyfriend.
"Oh hi, Toni!" Martha hugged her friend next to her, "Ooo you are wearing the shirt I chose!".
"Yeah, I thought I'd try it on," Toni said, happy to see Martha excited. "I don't think I've worn it before. It's not too bad."
"No" the word slipped out of Shelby's mouth without her being able to stop it, "I mean… It looks good… You look good in that color."
"Thanks," Toni said and she looked down in an attempt to hide the smile that flourished on her face. Fatin was right, Toni thought. She glanced at her friend, who just smirked in satisfaction knowing her fashion advice was effective.
"Do you want a drink, Toni?" Nora offered, "Dot brought a bottle of vodka". Toni nodded and Nora passed her a cup.
"How do you even get all this alcohol? You don't have a fake." Rachel asked Dot.
"I ask Mateo to buy it for me. I pay him back of course." Dot answered.
"I am pretty sure he has a crush on you," Toni said, "I've seen him when you come by the cafe. He gets all nervous and blushes. You should ask him out."
"I don't know dude" Dot hesitated.
"He is cute. And a nice guy. Plus he would be less annoying during work." Toni laughed, happy it was finally someone else receiving unsolicited relationship advice.
"I am not really looking to settle down right now. Definitely not with a senior, either." Dot argued, "I'll let the sappy couple thing to those two" She added, pointing at Shelby and Andrew. The couple laughed and Toni's smile faded.
"Talking about crushes and couples, Nora, how was your date yesterday?" Leah changed the subject.
"Oh my god, yes!" Martha chirped, "Tell us all about it! I am sure it was super romantic!"
"Um, it was great, actually" Nora smiled shyly, "We went on a stroll around campus and then he played the accordion for me."
"He sounds like a decent dude… If he hurts you I'll kill him" Rachel half-joked. It was nice to see her sister having fun. Sure, they fought sometimes and it could get ugly, but they were sisters. They loved each other unconditionally. Nora could be a little closed off at times, so Rachel was proud to see her experiencing the world freely.
"Isn't it wonderful when you find a proper gentleman?" Shelby told Nora and leaned onto Andrew, making Toni roll her eyes. She realized her patience would be tested to its limits tonight.
"So, Andrew, how did you two meet?" She tried to make small talk.
"Oh, that's a while ago. I mean, we always kinda knew each other, it's a small town. But we started dating, um… Was it junior year?" the boy asked his girlfriend.
"Summer after junior year. We were at John's party and you asked me out, remember?" Shelby answered with her typical smile that never seemed to disappear.
"Right, right, and I took you bowling," Andrew added.
"No, we went to the movies for our first date." Shelby corrected him.
"Huh, one would think going out with Miss Texas would be one of those unforgettable moments," Toni noted and she could feel Shelby's eyes shooting darts at her.
"Well we had so many nice moments together, it's hard to remember them all" Andrew just laughed it off and Toni decided to drop it there.
"That's so cute!" Martha's heart melted with that comment. She was such a hopeless romantic, she loved hearing people's love stories. "It's so nice that your relationship is still so strong after so much time." the girl said and Toni had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. It's like they were trying to get a reaction out of her, she thought. But she had to keep calm, she had made a promise after all.
Toni withdrew from the conversation, realizing that it would only further annoy her. The group kept talking, making jokes and small talk with the couple. The girls were eager to get to know Andrew and they kept asking about his and Shelby's high school days, but Toni wasn't paying attention. Her focus was on the blonde girl across from her. She was observing her, trying to understand her mindset. Shelby's appearance was perfect as always. Not a single hair out of place. She looked happy, smiling and laughing with her friends, but Toni couldn't help but notice how tired her eyes looked. After that kiss, she realized how much Shelby actually hides from her friends. She was going through a lot and Toni was probably the only person to know about it, and that was by accident. If she could, Shelby would probably wipe it all away from her memory, so she could go back to denying the suffering behind her eyes. That thought made Toni frown. She could only imagine how confused Shelby was feeling with everything, but the truth was she was also extremely confused about her feelings. She wished they could just talk about it, but she didn't wanna rush Shelby. Toni realized she was staring and she quickly brought herself back to the conversation.
"...the performance was great, Shelby's drama club is actually pretty good" Leah was finishing a sentence.
"Bummer that I can't come to see her play" Andrew smiled at his girlfriend and rested his hand a little too high up her leg, causing Shelby to drag it down to her knee instead. The movement was quick but Toni noticed how her demeanor immediately shifted on Andrew's touch. She clenched her fist, she could feel her blood boiling. As if on cue, Andrew's phone lit up with a message notification. He checked his screen, his smile fading, and then flipped his phone so the screen was facing the floor.
"Is it your side chick?" Toni let her thoughts escape her mouth. Andrew didn't answer, he just looked at the girl like a deer caught in headlights.
"Just kidding" She added, but Andrew wasn't amused. Toni smiled as an afterthought, realizing she might have come on too strong, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.
"So are you doing anything together tomorrow?" Fatin attempted to break the tension.
"Well, I wanted to show Andrew around and-" Shelby started.
"Shelby is giving a campus tour and then we might go explore the town but I have to leave in the evening to catch my flight back to Texas" Andrew cut her off.
"Don't interrupt her," Toni mumbled, pulling on the threads of the carpet beneath her.
"Excuse me?" Andrew questioned.
"Let her speak." Toni tightened her lips, her anger growing bigger, "It's rude to speak over your girlfriend... or anyone. A sign of disrespect."
"Oh, are you gonna teach me how to talk to my girlfriend, now?" Andrew said, ready for a fight.
"It's cool, Andrew" Shelby tried to calm her boyfriend down.
"Hey dude, it's just constructive criticism. Take it or leave it" Toni said, her words coming off as a challenge.
"I can take criticism alright. But I am sure I know my girlfriend better than you" Andrew kept going despite Shelby's efforts.
"Oh, I am sure you do" Toni taunted him. She was past the point of controlling her feelings. Her anger had taken over.
"I am not gonna sit around and take respect lessons from you of all people" he shot up from his seat.
"Yeah, cause you wouldn't understand them anyway" Toni snapped back, matching his movement up.
"Shit, are you always like this? Who wants to be around you?" he stepped closer as a form of intimidation.
"Oh, you'd be surprised" Toni smirked, not backing away.
"Toni drop it!" Shelby yelled "Both of you, stop! You are ruining everyone's night." Shelby's voice grounded Toni. She managed to get her breathing under control and tried to calm down for the sake of her friends.
"You are not worth it" Andrew scoffed, "I'll pray for you, maybe you'll find God's way".
Toni's attempts to calm down went down the drain. She could feel the rage taking over every cell of her body again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as a last resort to avoid the worst.
"Shelby, take your fucking cowboy out of my face before I ruin his" She exhaled.
Shelby grabbed Andrew's arm pulling him back, but it didn't help Toni's anger. Just seeing his face was enough to annoy her, but seeing him having Shelby's attention made her furious. The image of them together was too much, and her friends' curious stares, trying to make sense of the scene, overwhelmed Toni. She had no intention of offering explanations and she didn't want to break down in front of everyone, so she stormed out of the room.
Toni wasn't sure where she was going, she just knew she couldn't stay in Shelby's room anymore. She walked down the corridor and eventually found herself in the floor's communal balcony. No one was there that late at night and Toni realized she needed the fresh air so she stayed. It was quiet on the balcony. Only the faint sound of people yelling from a nearby room, probably having a party of their own, lingered in the air blending in with the soft sounds of the night. Toni wondered how those people felt, going through their night having fun, not having to worry about petty drama and fights, like her friends had to. The fresh air filled Toni's lungs, clearing her mind as she leaned on the rail looking at the night sky. She was still angry, but now there was room for sadness and remorse, as well. She didn't regret snapping at Andrew, but she did feel bad that it happened in front of her friends.
"There you are" a voice sounded, disrupting Toni's thoughts. She turned around to see Shelby approaching her.
"What do you want, Shelby?" Toni asked with more aggression in her voice than she wanted.
"I just want to talk. I think you owe me that much" Shelby said calmly.
"Owe you? Is this a joke?"
"I mean you did go off on my boyfriend"
"What? He started it!" Toni protested, "He was a dick, you were right there!".
"Toni you promised! You told me you wouldn't fight with him!"
"I didn't!" Toni was getting frustrated, "I told you I'd be nice if he was nice. He was a total dick! What was I supposed to do? Stand by while he is disrespecting me? While he is disrespecting you?"
"Why do you care?" It was Shelby's turn to raise your voice, "Okay, Andrew and I might argue sometimes but it's none of your business!"
"Why do I care?" Toni laughed in disbelief.
"Yes. You are the only one reacting like that to Andrew. What's your problem?"
"You are my fucking problem!" Toni couldn't hold back anymore. She waited for Shelby's response but the girl only had an unreadable expression on her face to offer. Her hesitation made Toni laugh and grab her head in frustration.
"I can't fucking believe it. Are you really so deep in denial you can't even understand why I would care?" Toni wondered. Shelby just crossed her arms and looked away avoiding eye contact.
"Say something! Fuck!" Toni yelled. Her anger gave place to sadness. Her expression softened, pain written in her face. "Why did you kiss me?" her voice cracked.
"I told you to forget about that," Shelby finally spoke.
Toni sighed in defeat "Well, I don't think I can."
Toni's response made Shelby freeze, unable to figure out what words to use next. She wasn't sure if she should feel scared or flattered by the confession. Part of her wanted to tell Toni how she hadn't stopped thinking about the kiss either. How she still felt her lips on hers every night before she fell asleep, how that she thought about her every time she had a moment of peace, and how painful it was. But another part of her, the one that kept telling her to run away as far as possible, reminded her that she could never say those thoughts out loud for that would give them flesh, and then she would never be able to ignore them again.
"I am sorry" were the only words she was able to utter after all. And she really did mean them. But she could see in Toni's expression that they weren't enough. "I should head back." she said looking away from Toni, "Are you gonna join us again?"
"I can't be in the same room as him. It's not gonna end well for anyone"
"Okay… I guess this is goodnight then" Shelby said and walked to the door, turning to see Toni one last time before she disappeared inside the building. Toni watched her go in silence. With every step she took, Toni's pain grew, but she was too prideful to ask her to stay. Maybe Shelby was right, she thought. Maybe she should just forget about it.