AN: Sorry, I'm terrible at responding to reviews but please know I have read and appreciated every single one! We're about halfway through the story! xx
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Rey should be used to briefings — she's sat through enough of them in the past year — but there's still a nervous energy that thrums through her as everyone gathers to meet for what will be their last briefing before their next mission.
It's all a far cry from the "grab a staff and beat the hell out of anyone who attacks you" approach Rey grew up with. She understands intellectually the importance of strategy and war theory and all the other things half the people in this room grew up learning, but a large part of her wants them to stop talking so much and just go.
"It's a good thing" Ben had said last night, nuzzling her neck, when she was already complaining about the many hours she'd be spending listening to Poe in the morning. "Just think, the sooner the briefing, the sooner the mission. And each mission down just gets us a little closer to it being over forever."
She'd left him for her own sleeping quarters shortly after that, trying not to feel stung by the fact that he still hasn't so much as expressed interest in sleeping in the same bed as her. She can feel how much it pains him to watch her leave at night, so she knows he must be able to tell how much it's bothering her too. And yet, he hasn't even brought it up since turning her down that first night.
He'd said he sleeps "fitfully" as if that was a full reason. Well so does she. And she can't help but wonder if they'd both have more peaceful nights if they were spending them curled into each other.
Before she's able to delve too deep into wonderings of what else they might be able to do in the same bed, Poe takes his place in front of the crowd and pulls up a holomap of a small planet Rey doesn't recognize.
It's all very simple — several members of the First Order retreated to Akiva, another planet in the Outer Rim. They're estimated to have a few ships, a few weapons, and dwindling supplies. The plan is to arrive at the planet, take down the ships and defenses before anyone knows they're there, and hopefully get the First Order members to surrender.
"But of course, we have to be prepared for the very real possibility that they won't," Poe sighs. "Most likely, we're looking at a fight. And while we have the numbers on our side for once, we can't discount the power of advanced weaponry."
"And a lack of morals," Rose mutters next to Rey.
Poe shoots Rose a look that's clearly intended as a warning, but really just looks like he's trying not to laugh.
"Let's just focus on the weaponry for now," he says.
And they do focus on the weaponry. For much longer than Rey would have thought possible, let alone necessary.
Finn takes the floor for a while, outlining the different blasters and shields and missiles they're likely to encounter, as well as the general layout of most First Order ships.
She tries to focus, she really does — but despite her best efforts, Rey feels herself zoning out a little. She's sure she'd be more at attention if she didn't already have a general idea of what her role in this whole ordeal will be, which is, of course, to beat the hell out of anyone who attacks her — just with a lightsaber now instead of a staff.
Rey tunes back in when Poe starts giving out assignments. Ground forces will come in after a much smaller group goes ahead to get the lay of the land. Poe had mentioned this part of the plan at lunch yesterday, and Rey's already prepared to be listed in the group that will be going out first. So it comes as a surprise when Poe lists off Jannah, Rose, and himself, but says Finn, Rey, and Ben are going to stay behind. But a mission briefing is not the time to question Poe — especially not when she can tell he's still working so hard to live up to Leia's legacy and establish his own at the same time.
The rest of the plan does unfold the way Rey expects — they'll attempt to take out the First Order's satellite, free any potential prisoners, recruit the planet's locals to their side, and — if they must — fight anyone who fights them.
It all should be simple enough. Somehow she doubts it will be.
The meeting ends without fanfare, just Poe reminding everyone to get a good night's rest and be ready to head out early in the morning.
Rey, as is becoming tradition, hangs back with her friends until the room has cleared. And Poe, as is also becoming tradition, waits until the room has cleared to lean against a wall and run a hand through his hair.
"I think that was my best briefing yet, yeah?" he says.
"I don't know," Finn goes to lean next to him, "I was kinda hoping for more of an inspirational speech at the end."
"Please," Poe huffs, "we've all heard and delivered enough of those to last a lifetime."
"Well I haven't gotten to do one yet," Rose chimes in.
"I heard you were very inspiring on Cra—"
"Crait, yeah but only Finn got the benefit of actually hearing it."
"Tell you what. Next time it seems like everyone could use some rousing oration, I'll yield the floor to you."
"I'm holding you to that," Rose beams.
"By they way, Rey," Poe turns his attention to her. "I saw your face during the briefing so let me explain — the First Order most likely assumes, uh… Ben, is dead. So we can't really have the two of you going ahead of everybody or they'll know something's up. Pretty much our only opportunity to use him for the element of surprise."
"Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense," Rey sighs. "Is my face actually that easy to read?"
"No, I'm just finally becoming Rey-literate."
After a few more minutes and a promise to Finn to squeeze in some more training later in the day, Rey excuses herself, happy to not have to keep up any pretenses about where she's going. They all know she's on her way to visit Ben. And they, thankfully, have nothing negative to say about it.
Ben's pacing when she opens the door. Head down, seven large strides to one wall, seven back to the first wall. She stands by the doorway, silently watching for half a minute.
"Glad to see your energy's up," she says when he reaches the wall on the left side of the room for the third time since she arrived.
His head jerks up at that and he pauses, mid-step.
"This is the first morning I've woken up feeling genuinely good," he grins a little sheepishly.
As soon as Rey steps fully into the room, Ben raises a hand and the door behind her gently shuts itself.
He's standing inches away from her within seconds, and pulling her into his arms in less than a second after that.
"It seems you've recovered just in time," Rey says, her voice muffled by his shirt. "We're heading to Akiva early tomorrow morning."
"And they're still okay with me being there?"
Rey doesn't need to look at him to know exactly which shade of concerned expression is crossing his features. She squeezes him a little tighter.
"Yes, they are."
There's no real need to start talking right away, so Rey just lets herself relish in the feeling of being held, opening her side of the bond at practically the same moment he opens his. Although, truth be told, she's not sure if it ever fully closes anymore.
That, she supposes, will serve them well tomorrow, when they might not have time to communicate verbally.
It's an odd sensation to feel Ben feel the shift in her thoughts, but she thinks she's slowly becoming used to it.
Ben finally lets go of her and guides her to sit, though it does not escape her notice that he opts to keep standing.
"Walk me through the plan for tomorrow?" he asks.
She does.
And as she does, he starts pacing again.
"You know," Rey cuts herself off right after listing off the group that will be under Finn's command, "if you're feeling restless we can just go for a walk."
"No, I'm fine," Ben says. He stops pacing and, to his credit, it would be a good performance of "fine" if he didn't immediately start bouncing on his heels.
"Mhm, okay. Anyways, we'll be with Finn, Chewie, and a few others in the Falcon," he seems to focus quite a bit more at that.
"We'll be in the Falcon?" he asks.
Rey nods, struggling for once to interpret the look on his face.
He huffs. And then the pacing begins again.
"I had initially thought they'd send us out first, since we might be able to sense an oncoming attack the fastest, but—"
"The First Order probably thinks I'm dead. We only have one chance at using the element of surprise."
"Were you— were you listening in after the briefing?" Rey asks.
"No, why?" Ben stops his pacing for a moment to look at her. He looks as dumbfounded as she must.
"That's… almost exactly what Poe said."
"Well, Poe's smart."
The pacing begins yet again.
It's almost fun to watch him, striding elegantly from one end of the room to the other, as Rey continues her explanation of the plan for tomorrow.
She likes noting the little variations in his movement as she talks — the only real indicators she has that he's absorbing any of this. His hair bounces as he nods along to her words, his back tenses any time she mentions the Falcon. She tells him she can give him his lightsaber as soon as they're on the ship and she almost misses the way his hand seems to flex involuntarily.
It's almost fun to watch him like this… except it's kind of dizzying at the same time.
"Ben," she sighs when he completes what must be his fiftieth lap since her arrival. She can feel herself start swinging her legs, some of his excess energy rubbing off on her. "You're obviously getting jittery in here. We can go for a walk if you want. Remember, this is explicitly not a prison cell."
Ben just shakes his head.
I'm fine, pulses through the bond.
"No. You're not fine," she huffs. "You're walking in circles."
"I like walking in circles, it soothes me," he actually manages to say with a straight face.
She knew Leia well, and she thinks she knew Han well enough to recognize that Ben inherited a double portion of stubbornness from them. A refusal to yield that can be a detriment as easily as it is an asset. In the past, that was applied to much darker ventures, so it's something of a comfort to see it now manifest in a refusal to leave his bedroom.
Or, it would be a comfort if it wasn't so frustrating.
Rey resists the urge to scream, and instead pushes herself off the bed and steps forward into his little pacing bubble. She waits for him to meet her in the middle of the room before she reaches up and places her hand on his shoulders.
If he wanted to, he could easily brush past her. But he doesn't. He stops.
"Look," she says, tilting her head to catch his eye. "You know you're only making yourself more mysterious the longer you stay in here? I understand you're nervous. I know it's a lot. But you want them to trust you."
He nods and moves one of his hands up to cover one of hers.
"Well," Rey continues, "it'll be a lot easier for them to trust you if they actually see you."
For a second, she worries she's let her irritation at Ben's insistence on imprisoning himself in this room forever lead her to pushing him too quickly. Tomorrow is going to be taxing, every day leading up to today has been taxing, maybe today doesn't need to be as well. Still, she feels a little caught between the knowledge that Ben can make decisions for himself and the inherent responsibility for him she feels as the one that brought him here in the first place.
Right before she can take her words back and agree to him hiding out for another day, he lets out a shuddering breath.
"Can we go later tonight?" he asks.
"Sure," she gives him a soft smile.
"And can you hold my hand the whole time?"
"To be honest," she twists her hand so she can lace her fingers with his, lowers their arms to their sides, gives his hand a squeeze. "I thought that was already a given."
Finn's a quick learner, as evidenced by the several leaves floating around him and Rey as they sit in their little clearing in the woods.
It won't be long before she actually can take him on the training course — a thought which triggers a twist in her stomach.
She hasn't run the training course since Exegol — technically since before that — and there's something right on the edge of her mind that makes her vaguely uncomfortable with the idea of doing it again.
It's the same distant discomfort she feels every time she thinks about tomorrow's mission. She'd assumed earlier that it was just restlessness or nerves or anticipation, but that doesn't explain why she feels the same way now — especially since she hadn't expected to feel anything other than excitement at the prospect of being able to actually do something again.
There's something else to it, and it frustrates her to realize that she can't tell if it's something she's actively blocking out or if she genuinely can't pull up in her mind. But it doesn't matter either way right now — the mission will happen tomorrow whether her nerves feel settled or not, and Finn's training will advance sooner rather than later by the looks of it.
"Look at that," Finn gasps in wonder, pulling Rey out of her thoughts.
One of the leaves is no longer simply hovering above the ground. It's drifted toward a neighboring leaf and has begun spiraling around it.
Rey watches as Finn turns his hand slowly, a little more slowly than he needs to, but that's okay — they have plenty of time to work on that.
"Good, right?" Finn grins. He turns his eyes from the leaf to Rey and before she can warn him not to lose focus, all of the leaves drop back to the ground.
"Very good," Rey says. She looks down and decides on a short, thin stick. It rises into the air and floats toward Finn.
"Pass it back to me," she says.
He frowns at the stick that's now directly in front of his face and slowly, it starts to move through the air. It drifts shakily, stuttering and stopping a few times.
"Keep going."
Finn's frown deepens, he narrows his eyes… and the stick flies away from him, hitting Rey in the chest with a surprising amount of force.
"Oh, sorry," he says when he realizes what he's done.
"No, no, don't apologize. That was good."
The rush of pride Rey feels at Finn's progress is almost enough to silence that little niggling fear at the back of her mind that she still can't put a name to.
"So," Finn says. He keeps his focus on the stick as it makes its way back to him in stops and starts. "What are the odds of me getting my hands on a lightsaber tomorrow?"
"Not very high," Rey sighs.
"I've used one before."
"Yes, but that was when there was one to spare. As it stands, there's three of us who could potentially use one and only two to go around."
"Oh, right." The stick does a little twist in the air. "I know you told us he got rid of his, but it's not sticking in my mind. Guess I'm still just not clear on what the thinking was there."
"Neither am I," Rey snorts. "It certainly would be more convenient now if we had an extra."
They don't say anything else on the subject, but it doesn't escape Rey's notice that this was the first time Finn's mentioned Ben casually, without any warning added to his words or tone. And that counts for something, she thinks.
They just move back to their little training exercise, graduating from sticks to rocks until they decide it's due time for lunch, and head back to find their friends.
An hour ago, the sun began to sink in the sky, washing everything in a soft golden hue. Then came the burning oranges, bright pinks, and soft lavenders of the sunset, mixing together to create their own form of ephemeral landscape.
And now, dark blue has replaced the swirl of colors, with only stars and a moon to break up its monotony.
It's near enough to full dark, which is why Rey and Ben are walking along the edge of the base, where the trees and the clearing meet, hands clasped together as she intends to keep them for the remainder of the night.
It hadn't been as difficult as she'd expected to coax him out of the room — he was even antsier than she'd originally sensed — but now that they're out, he seems intent on making himself as small as possible, which is a near-impossible task. His shoulders are hunched, head down, hand clutching hers so tightly she's lost circulation.
They haven't run into very many people at all — they started their walk before the regular dinner time, which is often one of the most lively parts of the day — but Rey knows that will likely change in a matter of minutes.
And Ben's been mostly silent, only making small noises of acknowledgment whenever Rey points out something about the layout of the base. But she hasn't missed the several times he's paused to take a deep breath of fresh air.
Despite his less-than-bubbly demeanor, she can feel the relief emanating from him. Relief at what specifically she's not sure, but whether it's at stretching his legs or her hand staying in his or simply not being shot on sight, she's glad he's feeling it.
A few lights are starting to turn on all around the base as the night settles into an inky blackness. Soon enough little fires will be starting as Resistance members emerge from their projects for the day, ready for a final meal together before several of them leave for the mission.
"Hey Ben," Rey says, giving his hand a squeeze when she notices someone staring at them from an X-Wing. "Have you ever seen a porg?"
"A what?" He finally lifts his head to look at her.
"They were all over Ahch-To, but I'm not sure if they're native anywhere else."
"Is that some kind of animal?"
"A bird. Except they don't fly much. They're just small and kind of round. A few stowed away on the Falcon when I left but we didn't bring any back here."
"Rey?" He says before she can keep rambling.
"Mhm?"
"Is this your way of trying to distract me from the people looking at me?"
Rey sighs, "Well, it's obviously not working."
"No," he gives her hand a squeeze, "but thank you."
He does seem to relax a little as they keep walking, despite the obvious fact that more and more people are appearing and a not-insignificant number of them are sneaking glances their way.
They chat off and on about inconsequential things — their favorite foods and planets, though Rey has considerably less of a scope of perspective to bring to the conversation.
"I think you'd like Naboo," he says at one point. "It's very green there, from what I can recall."
"As long as it's nothing like Jakku, I'm sure I'd like it," she smiles.
"I don't know how you handled living on a planet like that," Ben shudders a little. "All that sand flying everywhere."
They happen to near the cave that most people are still using as sleeping quarters at the same time Poe, Finn, Jannah, Rose, and Chewie walk out of it. They're far enough away that it's not exactly awkward yet, but as the distance between them closes, Rey knows she only has a matter of seconds to figure out what to do.
She knew intellectually that there was a chance this could happen, but she hadn't actually bothered to consider what would happen next if it did. Making introductions seems unnecessary — they all know who he is and vice versa — but she's not entirely sure what she's supposed to say here. Even if she couldn't tell through the bond, it's obvious that Ben has all but stopped breathing as he stands next to her, standing ramrod straight.
Fortunately, the decision is taken out of her hands. Chewie walks directly over the second he catches sight of them. Rey hasn't seen much of the wookie in the past few days — he's mostly been sticking with Maz and Lando, catching up and repairing blasters and talking about whatever it is people who have witnessed the rise and fall of so many governments and wars talk about.
She can only see that the rest of the group is trailing behind him for a second before both she and Ben — still holding hands — are enveloped in a very tight hug.
"Hi Chewie," she says as she wraps her free arm around him. "You're with us tomorrow, right?"
Chewie softly roars his assent.
She feels Ben relax into the hug next to her. And they stay like that until the rest of the group catches up.
Chewbacca pulls back and the others step forward.
"Hi everyone," Rey says.
She squeezes Ben's hand.
"Hello," he practically whispers, not quite managing to make eye contact with any of them.
"Dinner time?" Rey says in a preemptive strike against any brewing tension.
"Yep," Finn says. "Coming?" He sneaks a furtive glance toward Ben, but mostly keeps his eyes glued to her.
"I'll be there soon," she replies.
Rose looks to Rey then tilts her head up to look at Ben — the first of the group to actually do so.
"There's— if you want to join us, there's plenty of food," Rose says.
Ben goes still, his hand feels like a vise on hers.
"Oh, I—" Ben stutters.
Try to relax, she sends through the bond.
"That's okay," he says. "I appreciate the offer. And also… all of this."
An emotion Rey can only describe as the conceptualization of a wince rolls off of Ben.
"We appreciate what you've done for the Resistance and for Rey," Jannah speaks up. "Just so you know."
The others nod in polite agreement.
"I'll join you all in a bit," Rey says, sensing a natural — or as natural as any of this could be — break in the conversation.
"Alright, see you later," Poe says to Rey. Then he turns to Ben. "And we'll see you in the morning."
He gives Ben a brief nod, which Rey knows is not much of anything really, but it just feels so good to have them all in the same place speaking civilly to each other that her heart does a little flip.
"That went pretty well," Rey bumps his side once they start walking again.
"You and I must have very different definitions of what 'well' means then," Ben huffs. Even in the low light she can spot a pink tinge forming on his cheeks. "I meant to say… more."
"There's always tomorrow."
They start heading back towards Ben's room, walking more slowly than is strictly necessary.
"I'm glad you made me do this," he says after a few comfortably silent moments.
"So am I," she says.
Their hands haven't disconnected once through the entire walk and despite the thin layer of sweat she can feel building between their palms, Rey wouldn't dream of pulling her hand away a second before she has to.
"Hey, did I tell you Finn asked if he can use a lightsaber tomorrow?" she says.
"You didn't," Ben chuckles. "What'd you tell him? If I recall he had some natural ability with the weapon."
"I told him we only have two. Which wouldn't be the case if you had held on to yours."
"I just couldn't keep using that thing."
"You know you could've just healed the crystal or held on to it as a backup, instead of throwing it into the ocean, right?"
Ben ducks his head at that.
"I thought it was symbolic," he mumbles.
"It was," Rey acquiesces. They reach the door to his room. "But I must say running into a planet full of Sith virtually unarmed was not your cleverest move."
"No, but it was brave."
The look in his eyes is almost hopeful as he turns to face her fully.
"Yes, Ben," she grins. "It was very brave."
She's not going back inside with him tonight. Her friends, dinner, and an eventual good night's sleep are waiting for her. So she lets him open the door before she reaches up and pushes a few stray strands of hair from his face.
"I'll see you in the morning," she says.
"Yes."
He crouches down to kiss her on the cheek and as much as she wants to turn her head and catch his lips with hers, she resists the temptation. Walking in public has already been a lot for him — she thinks it's best to not do anything else so publicly yet.
So instead, she just grasps his shoulders before he has a chance to stand back up and says "Sleep well, Ben," into his ear.
Everyone's chatty tonight, which suits Rey just fine. It gives her a distraction from the nervous energy that flooded her body the second she stepped away from Ben's closed door.
"Wait, wait, don't hog it all!" Rose chides as Poe rips off an exceptionally large hunk of a loaf of bread.
"Oh, don't be so dramatic," Poe says, tossing the rest of the loaf to her.
They're in their usual corner, joking and laughing away as if it's just a normal night.
And in many ways, it is. This is what their lives have consisted of for the past year together — strategy meetings and ship repairs and shared meals before missions. The only difference now is that the hardest part of the war has already been won and their numbers are higher than ever, so nothing feels quite as dire as it once did.
No one else seems to be experiencing the baffling mix of anticipation and dread that's coursing through her body. It's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, but until she can figure out why she's feeling it, she decides the best thing to do is push it to the side and focus on her friends.
That's been working relatively well since she joined them a few minutes after saying goodnight to Ben — someone they'd had surprisingly little to say about.
"I wasn't expecting him to be so, uh, awkward," was all Finn had said.
"Shy is probably a better word," Jannah corrected.
And that had pretty much been it. They'd moved on to other topics and Rey had grabbed a spare plate and helped herself to a hearty portion of dinner.
And now Rose and Poe are play-fighting over leftovers as Jannah, Finn, and Kaydel debate the merits of blasters versus energy bows.
For a moment, Rey wishes it could be like this forever. She wishes she could stay at the base with Ben and all of her friends. She wishes they could just go to some other universe without missions or factions or war. She wishes this wasn't still their battle to fight.
The thought feels selfish, but it's difficult not to wonder what her life — all of their lives — would have been like if the First Order had never existed. If she'd somehow lived on a kinder planet and all of them had met in a gentler timeline. If they could have simply been the inhabitants of a world that was already good.
"Okay team," Poe stifles a yawn. "We should turn in early. Everyone needs to be at the top of their game tomorrow."
"By the way," Jannah says as she turns her attention to Poe. "We were thinking, when we get back we should have some sort of party."
"Not right away, maybe" Rose adds, "But maybe we could pick a night to just let the whole base blow off steam, celebrate how far we've come…"
"Didn't we just have something like that last week?" Poe frowns.
"No, half the base was mourning last week," Kaydel says. "That's not the same."
"Please, General?" Rose sing-songs.
Before Poe can say anything else, Finn cuts in.
"I say we should, and as I am also a General, that's an order."
Finn and the girls' cheers don't quite drown out Poe's mutterings.
"How did I not know all my friends are secret boozehounds," he grumbles.
"Oh please," Finn bumps his shoulder, "as if you don't have a bottle of Soulean Brandy stashed under your bed."
It would have been nice to be born into a good world, Rey thinks as the group bursts into another round of giggles. But maybe it still can be one someday.
Maybe they're going to build it.