Chapter 23 Iris
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am" – Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Summer had been torturous. Hot and it seemed like it would never end.
It's July 29th, her birthday or it would have been if she had been alive. 54. That's how old she would be. But nobody knows. Nobody cares. The Burtons certainly wouldn't. The date was approximate, since they couldn't get a hold of all the birth certificates of the children they took. But it was calculated based on her age then. It's what she was used to her birthday being. Not that she wanted to celebrate it. it was a stupid tradition. Everybody had to participate because they were made to, back in the orphanage. At work it was more of a formality. She didn't enjoy it.
The one thing she did feel was about was losing the necklace. It was buried somewhere under the rubble of the tower. It had been a birthday gift from Him. One of the few birthdays she did enjoy. Custom made, gold and onyx. She wore it all the time.
The only thing she got for this one was frustration. Cid kept scratching at the door for her to let him in. then her dreams got really frustrating. It a mix of a memory and a dream. She knew He was waiting for her somewhere. They were supposed to meet. They were supposed get intimate. She wanted it so badly but people kept getting in the way. Giving her misguided directions. Nobody knew where exactly he was. She just kept running trying to find him only for him to not be there. Her frustration growing to the point she felt she would explode. Waking up didn't really help. Feeling the heat in the room, sheets sticking to her from sweat. The intense feeling of arousal that she felt in her dream hasn't gone anywhere. Cold shower doesn't do much. The room feels so hot it's like a sauna.
She struggles with herself. The promise she made. To not get involved with Eliot. Picks up the phone only to toss it away moments later. She had been avoiding him at school, ignoring him. Her pride won't let her beg. Her phone beeps. A message, from Eliot. He wants to see her and she feels almost happy yet hates herself for it.
She meets him away from the Burtons house. Doesn't want to be seen. He is dressed in a light blue shirt and dark pants, not jeans. And he is wearing darks sunglasses. Her heart skips a beat. She gets in the car. Expects him to drive back to his place but they take the road out of town.
"Where are we going?" She finally snaps out of her fantasy.
Hopping he would take back to his place and recalling how amazing the last time was. She was hopping she could convince him to keep the glasses on during.
"You'll see when we get there. "He says
He seems confident, calm, collected. A lot less awkward. She is a little bit curious what it is all about. He pulls into a drive way of building that looks like a small mansion. She reads the name and can't believe it. Eliot gets out and takes something from the back seat. He hands her a large box. Alex looks at him questioning.
"Open it. " He says.
Inside is a dress. It's white, not for a wedding, no, hints of a pale gold, it has tiny crystals decorating it. The shoulder straps are white feathers. It's long on one side and exposes her leg up to the knee on the other. She looks at him in disbelief.
"Put it on" He says.
The windows of the car are dark, nobody can see inside. The dress is made in a way that's easy to get on. No zippers in the back. It just slides on her body, the material feels cool – silk, she realizes. There are matching shoes with some crystals and feathers. She is in disbelief. Gets out the car, he takes her hand, helps her. Put's on a jacket that seems to match the dress in color. Leave the glasses in the car. The man inside greet them.
"A table for two?"
"I've made a reservation." He says. "Under Brown"
The man checks his book.
"Yes, this way."
The table is isolated, further away from others but gives a nice view of the entire room. She did not expect this. Especially not from Eliot.
"How much did you spend?" She looks at him still in shock.
"That hardly matters." He says in a tone that doesn't sound like Eliot at all.
"You said you wanted to talk. What's the occasion?"
"Well I just thought I would be nice try something different. "
"Well this is different alright. "
"You don't like it?" he questions calm.
"I like it but it's not what I expected."
"Not what you expected from a loser who works in a warehouse and spend all his free time getting high?"
"Well, I didn't say that. I can tell that you're trying hard. And you've clearly made progress.
But "
The waiter brings them their menus. She continues when he leaves.
"But when I said I didn't want to be in a relationship I didn't just mean you. And this is.."
"Just a dinner between friends." He says, suggests
"Friends?"
"I figured we could start slow. Until you're done dealing with things. "
She doesn't know what to tell him. . Maybe she could see him as a friend. A friend who takes her out to expensive restaurants and buys her fancy gifts and who sometimes sleeps with her.
"Friends? Well now that Lucy moved away it's kind of lonely." She thinks. "I guess I could use a friend."
"Being friends. l I guess that's alright. "
She can't turn him down. Not after all this. He clearly has feelings for her, spending money to impress her. Acting like it's not a big deal, like he is used to living this way. She decided to allow herself to enjoy the evening and not worry about it. Looking over the menu she sees something familiar. It brings back memories of a time Albert had taken out to a restaurant. He gave her that necklace then. She orders it. Eliot orders a rare steak. The wine is good too. Technically they are both not of legal age but the waiter serves them none the less. She isn't sure how he managed to do it.
He excuses himself briefly. The musicians are playing, even though there aren't many patrons in the restaurant. The song ends and they begin playing another. It sounds familiar. She thinks back to it. Remembers. The party at the mansion. It was the waltz that they had danced to that night. He stands beside her, reaches out his hand.
"Would you care to dance?"
She is speechless for a moment. Not sure if she should. It almost feels wrong but at the same time right. Alex stands, takes his hand. They are the only two dancing. She can smell his scent. Leans her head on his shoulder and pretends its Albert she is dancing with. Eliot can, to her surprise dance.
"You're full of surprises." She murmur into his neck.
"I've been uh... Taking classes." He looks a little embarrassed.
A reminder that he is Eliot. She wonders if she could fall for him. Learn to love the real Eliot. She realizes she doesn't really know him. All their previous interactions were far from normal. Her punching him in face, forcing him to cooperate with her plan. Making a tool to be used. Fucking him just because he was there at the time she needed a distraction.
This is the first time they talk for real. She digs her fork into the Black Forest cake.
" So, you've made any plans for graduation?"
He looks like he didn't expect that question.
"Don't worry, there's still time. " She says trying to be reassuring.
"You've decided already?"
"I'm going to Seattle with Lucy. She's going into art."
"And you. "
She smiles, saying it out loud still feels strange.
"Journalism."
He looks surprised.
"Are you certain? Wouldn't science or medicine be better?"
"I've already spent a lifetime with it. I want something new. After all it's the very definition of insanity – to do the same thing over and over expecting for something to change. I want to be a different person. I have a chance at a new life. A chance the old me didn't have. I can choose to do what I want. "
Saying it makes her realize it's true. She can choose, do what she wants. She is free.
He looks at her. Surprised, perhaps amazed.
"I don't know if I can get my grades up enough before collage." He finally says.
"I'm sure you can. I can help you study, if you want."
He smiles a little.
"Thanks. But I think I'll pass on collage. My jobs right here. Education's expensive."
"So is all this."
"Not that expensive." He says.
"I'm sure you can find some cheaper local one."
"Maybe."
He gives her a ride home. It was a pleasant evening. She had changed into her regular clothes, not wanting to be seen coming home in a dress like that. He didn't kiss her, didn't even touch her. Just opened the door for her and wished her a good night. She did enjoy it but deep down she still yearned for it. So many things to remind her of Albert in one place. And it would have made it complete. Feeling his body on her own. But he did say he wanted to take it slow, to be friends. And she guessed Eliot thought that sex was off limit. This was going to be a frustrating friendship.
The New Year has started. Somehow she ended up in the same class as Eliot. Lucy has been texting her all morning, pictures of the new school. Pictures of her new room from before. She will be moving again, new apartment. Their own, no longer living with their relatives. The house got sold. Some family with two kids moved in.
She sit's next to Eliot, not because she wants to, but it's the only seat that free when she walks in. Still a good distance away, opposite rows. In the very back. Hers is by the window. His in the middle.
It's literature class. Everyone had to pick a poem. The teacher is criticizing some for picking the shortest. The four best friends who have all picked the same one. Some guys who wrote it on his hand and tried to read it. she is bored with it. so is the teacher. Alex didn't need to pick. She walks in front of the class and begins. Words that she didn't need to learn.
" I weep for Adonais—he is dead!"
It is not Adonais that she weeps for in her heart.
"Oh, weep for Adonais! though our tears
Thaw not the frost which binds so dear a head!
And thou, sad Hour, selected from all years
To mourn our loss, rouse thy obscure compeers,
And teach them thine own sorrow, say: "With me
Died Adonais; till the Future dares
Forget the Past, his fate and fame shall be
An echo and a light unto eternity!"
Her grief is real. She wishes she could them all of the great man He had been. The man they never knew. The man erased from history.
They listen, speechless. When she finishes the teacher begins to applaud and the class reluctantly follow. She doesn't care about it. takes her seat quietly. Not many people are left now. She doesn't listen much. Lost in thought and sorrow. It's Eliot's turn. She doesn't turn her head away from the window, not until he begins to speak.
"It was many and many a year ago.
In a kingdom by the sea.
That a maiden there lived
Whom you may know by the name of Annabel Lee."
There is something in his voice. A sorrow, like he telling about something personal. She listens.
"And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
She was a child and I was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee.
With the love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me"
She is lost in his voice, the tone so much like –His. But He never liked poetry, or books unless it was science or somehow related to research. The teacher compliments him. Some of the girls in class whisper on how it's kind of cute. A sad poem about a love lost.
"Poe. I never expected that from you" she says when he takes his seat.
He is blushing a little.
"Well, I could say the same. Adonais? I didn't know you liked Keats that much."
"Oh, it wasn't for Keats." She says.
He gives her a curious look.
"I had someone else in mind."
"Who?" He wonders
"Somebody you don't know." She says.