J

I've never been this sober, and I know this because I've never felt this kind of pain.

Lisa slides her finger under my chin, lifting it until I look at her. I give her more tears since all the words are trapped in my throat.

"I hope the world treats you like the incredibly special person you are. I hope your list is long and daring. I hope you experience joy, surprise, anticipation, passion, and … love."

Lisa … I already have …

"I hate you," I manage to get those three vitally important words out.

She nods. "I know you do."

Easing off my gloves, I let them and my poles drop to the ground. My cold hands press to her warm cheeks, guiding her close to me, so we share the same breath. "But I love you more."

Her eyes search mine, and when she seems to find what she's looking for, she smiles. "I know you do."

The Law of Jennie and Lisa: When love breaks, fall inward, fall together, and fall hard. Then let time pick up the pieces.

I pull her to my lips because that's how we fall. She kisses me like my mouth was meant to be kissed only by her. When her lips finish with my mouth, she kisses my nose, cheeks, forehead, and jaw.

"When are you leaving?" She doesn't give me a chance to answer before her mouth covers mine again. My hands slide from her face to her neck, desperate to be closer to her.

In the distance, her horse makes a noise. Lisa pulls away, out of breath and harboring a pang of disappointment in her eyes as she glances over my shoulder to her horse. "I have to get back."

"Yeah." I release her and grab my poles and gloves, putting them back on.

"Jennie?"

After fumbling with my gloves, feeling shaken by her kiss, I glance up.

"When do you leave?"

"I'm uh …" I shake my head. She's completely rattled my senses. "California. I'm going to California for New Years with my dad. Then I'm going to Japan."

"Japan?" She jerks her head back.

I nod. "Starting with places I haven't been. So don't expect postcards from Paris or Rome."

"You're sending me postcards?"

"No. Well, yeah, sure … I can. I just meant …"

She nods. "I get it. I know what you meant. I don't expect anything. Well, actually …" Lisa rubs the back of her neck. It's so Lisa. She does it when she's nervous. "It would be nice to know that you're okay. But don't feel any obligation."

"Come with me." The words are out before I realize they were even on my tongue.

"I can't."

"Can't or won't? Because you could have said something in the parking lot that day, but you didn't. You could have contacted me, but you didn't. You could have done a million things that you just didn't do. And I don't think it's because you couldn't." It's just the beginning. I have so many questions for her, it would take several lifetimes to ask them all.

She exhales, sending a plume of evaporation between us.

"Don't." I shake my head and hold up my hands. "You know what? I think it's best if I don't know all the answers. I know the ones that matter and that's good enough."

"What answers are those?" She narrows her eyes.

"Well, just one I guess."

"And that is?" Her head cants to the side.

"I asked you to come with me. You said no. That's the only question that matters."

"I said I can't."

"Yeah, well … that's just another way of saying no."

"No…" an edge of irritation hijacks her words "…I can't means I want to but I just can't. A simple no leaves it open for interpretation that maybe I don't want to go, but I do. I just can't."

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters a whole fucking lot, Jennie!" I step back. She rubs her gloved hands over her face. "I'm sorry. I'm frustrated and angry and …"

"It's fine."

"It's not fine."

"Jesus, Lisa …" I shake my head, holding my hands out to the side. "What do you want me to say? Because for months I've wanted to knock on your door and ask you to just be with me, but I knew you'd choose your dad, your job, your reputation over me."

"That's not—"

"Then ask me to stay." I stab my poles into the snow next to my shoes, gripping them tightly. "Ask me to move in with you. Ask me to marry you. Ask me for absolutely anything that keeps us together."

She closes her eyes. "You deserve—"

"Stop assuming you know what I deserve or what I want! I want YOU! Don't you get that?"

"It's not that simple."

I unhook my boots from the snowshoes and bend down on one knee.

Her brows knit together.

"Marry me, Lisa. I love you. It's just that simple. I want to spend my life with you. I want to have kids with you. So, marry me. Please."

This hurts. Bending down and handing over my entire heart to her just hurts, but I know that the regret of not giving everything I have to offer her will hurt more.

Her eyes fill with tears as her head moves side to side. "I don't have a life to offer you right now. You said it yourself. It's a cage. That's my life. That would be your life. And you can't live like that. I can't watch you live like that."

I stand and turn. Ripping my hat off my head and throwing it as far as it will go, which is only a few feet. "Why do you live in a cage? Why can't you hire someone to watch your dad so you can live too? Why is it okay for your sister to have a life, but your life is always taking care of your dad? It makes no sense!"

"I have to get back." She walks past me.

"Why you?" I follow her.

"Why not me?" she mumbles as her boots kick up snow behind her.

"Because you deserve a life too."

"I don't."

"Why?"

She stops when she gets to her horse. "Merry Christmas."

"Why you, Lisa?" I ignore her holiday greeting.

She mounts her horse.

"Tell your sister you're getting married, and she needs to split the responsibility of watching your dad."

"I can't tell her that." She stares off into the distance.

"Why not?"

"Because he's my responsibility."

"Why?"

"Jesus … I just told you because he's MY responsibility."

"That doesn't answer my question, why? Why? Why? Why? Why?—"

"BECAUSE IT'S MY FAULT HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR!"

The horse neighs and rears back a bit. Lisa tightens the reins. After the horse settles down, Lisa looks at me with regret. "In another life … I would be with you. Marry you. Have babies with you. Just … not in this one. I'm sorry." She gives the horse a gentle nudge with her feet and rides off.