Chapter Ten – The Holidays

They hadn't spoken about it. They hadn't spoken about anything. They hadn't even seen each other since it happened.

Laxus had woken up in Freed's bed, wrapped up in the man's crisp sheets without a bedpartner. The sound of movement had stirred him, and through bleary eyes he had seen Freed moving through his bedroom. He'd watched as Freed had retreated quietly into the cottage's bathroom, followed by the sound of a shower. He returned a little bit later, to dress himself, and for reasons he couldn't explain Laxus pretended to be asleep.

With closed eyes, he had heard Freed's sigh. He'd shaken Laxus' shoulder to wake him, but the blonde continued to keep up the pretence of sleep. He had eventually given up, and the sound of pen against paper filled the room. Laxus should have made it known he was awake at that point, but he didn't.

And then Freed left, but not before gifting Laxus a featherlight kiss and whispering, "Happy Christmas my love."

Laxus only opened his eyes when he heard the locking of the front door followed by the sound of Freed's car engine starting. When he did, he sat up in Freed's large bed and rested against the headboard with a sigh, already regretting his stupid decision to remain silent as Freed woke. But he couldn't hang out the window, yelling in the hope that Freed would hear him and turn around so that Laxus could…

Could do what exactly?

Thank him for a night he would most likely never forget? Try to take back his words and all but beg for the opportunity to see if a long-distance relationship could work between them despite his disdain for them? Convince both Freed and himself that he wouldn't mind battling Freed's job for the man's attention for as long as they were together? It wasn't… those weren't things that Laxus could do.

So instead, he had sighed, and looked to the bedside table where Freed had written a note for him to find. A note that Laxus still had on his person, tucked into his jeans pocket, a week later.

It was pathetic really.

New Year's Eve was meant to be a night of celebration for young people, if Laxus could still be considered young. Admittedly, living in a town like Magnolia meant there wasn't much to do on New Year's Eve other than a few bars, but at least that would have been something. But, instead of doing that, he found himself at his grandfather's party, surrounded by people considerably older than he was. He was sat on the sofa, attempting to find some entertainment in the TV coverage of New Years in Era.

The location felt like a kick in the teeth. Because Freed would most probably be out there somewhere, with Evergreen and Bickslow, enjoying themselves and taking advantage of the night long party that the city became. Perhaps Laxus should have asked Freed if he could go with them.

He'd been tempted. But after what had happened, Laxus didn't know what to say to him.

They'd texted a couple of times, but never anything of substance. Laxus had wished Freed a Happy Christmas, they'd had some small talk but that was it. Laxus had wanted to ask how he was coping without any family members throughout the day, remembering how bad the holidays had been without his mother for his first time, but couldn't find the guts to press send. It was ridiculous, because before their night together things had been so easy. But after, Laxus didn't quite no where he stood with Freed.

Because the end date was coming. Only the bathroom needed to be finished in the house, and that would take a few days at most. Once that was finished, Freed would look into selling it, and his time spent in Magnolia would be over. And Laxus couldn't help but wonder if their promise of only having one night together was meant to be an ending to their relationship as a whole.

It was a thought he tried not to linger on.

And to stop it from ruining his mood, he stood and walked to the kitchen, where an array of drinks had been placed for anyone to take. Laxus picked up one of the flimsy plastic cups and assessed all of the drinks on offer, before settling on beer. He doubted his grandfather would be pleased to find a pint of his wine gone.

As he gulped down the drink, he unfortunately didn't instantly forget his anxieties about Freed leaving his life, but it at least gave him the confidence to be optimistic. Because Freed wasn't just going to pack up and leave his life like that; he was the kind of man who made friends cautiously but stuck with them through thick and thin. Even in the note he had left Laxus, he mentioned wanting to continue their friendship.

Pathetically, he found his hand grazing his pocket as the urge to reread it grew.

But the urge was more powerful than any good sense that he had left, so he reached into his pocket as he leant on the kitchen counter. He unfolded the now crumpled paper, placing his beer to the side of him, and began to read through the words that he had already committed to memory.

He tried not to let the feeling of melancholy consume him as his eyes roamed the page.

"You know, if you're gonna be like this all night, you could at least tell me why."

At Cana's words, Laxus let out a small grunt. She and Mirajane had arrived at Makarov's party a few hours prior, which had been enough time for Laxus' mood to get worse and worse. The more he stood around Makarov's house, surrounded by old men and women who had known him since he was born, the more he was reminded of his life before he had met Freed and his life had gained more purpose.

Because this party was what his life had been. Just standing around with nothing to do, wishing the hours away and the day to end, only to have another day of the same boredom. Every day had been like that, and Laxus had a horrid feeling that it would be like that again.

At least with the party, he could step outside and get away for a while.

"You should at least try to cheer up before he gets here," Mirajane sighed.

"Before who gets here?" Laxus muttered, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"Your boyfriend, dipshit," Cana taunted, and Laxus' eyes flickered to her in alarm. Her expression faltered. "You do know he's coming, right?"

Laxus shook his head, a little dumbly.

Why didn't he know that; he should have known that? He was, at least to Laxus' knowledge, the only real point of contact that Freed had in Magnolia. How would Freed have even found out about the party, since Laxus had never mentioned it was happening? And even if someone had mentioned it to him and invited him, surely he would have at least told Laxus to expect him there. Their texting had been limited, but it had still been there.

A flush of both excitement and dread filled the blonde. It was very possible that every concern and worry about the future of their relationship would be either confirmed of denied very quickly, and he hadn't been given the time to prepare.

"Lisanna's getting him from the train station right now, she left a while ago," Mirajane explained.

"Why her?" Laxus asked, though the real question of 'why not me?' was obvious.

"When Freed was staying at the hotel, they saw a lot of each other. She insisted on waiting his table when he had breakfast in the restaurant," Mirajane shrugged a little. "I think that, other than you, she's probably the person he's closest to in Magnolia. Apparently he wanted to talk to her, but I wouldn't worry. It's not like she's Freed's type."

"Maybe he wants to make you jealous," Cana grinned. "Maybe he thinks it'll make the lovin' bett-"

"Can you just stop with that shit for one fucking night," Laxus raised his voice, aggression clear as he glared.

Nobody spoke for a moment.

"I'm gonna get a drink," Cana muttered, leaving the front garden, and going back into the house.

Laxus sighed. "I didn't mean to be-"

"I know you didn't," Mirajane smiled placatingly. "She's just a prideful woman, and she can take things too far without realising it. I should go and check on her," She pushed off from the wall she was leaning on and smiled at Laxus. "And, if the reason you're feeling down is because of Freed, then try and make up."

"It ain't him," Laxus lied.

"Well then you should make the most of him being here then," She suggested, though Laxus doubted she had believed him. "Because he makes you happy, and that's important. Don't throw it away."

She walked into the house, and Laxus raised the cigarette to his lips again, looking up the road in the hopes of catching sight of headlights coming towards the house.

A car eventually did show up, and Laxus' heartbeat increased sporadically when he saw that it was Lisanna's. He quickly dropped the cigarette to the ground and stomped it out, not knowing what Freed's opinion on smoking was; whenever he had smoked over the past few months, he had done it in private and never where Freed would find him, though he'd found the urge a lot less overpowering and had indulged a lot less since meeting Freed.

He supposed it was the by-product of having things to do with hit time.

The car pulled up on the road outside of Makarov's house, and out from it came both Lisanna and Freed, dressed in his obnoxiously tempting suit; made more tempting now that Laxus knew what lay under it. That thought went as fast as it came, however, as when their eyes met Laxus found his mind blank.

Lisanna said something to Freed, patted the man on the shoulder and walked into the house, smiling at Laxus as she passed him. This left the two men alone in the cold night air, looking at each other in a moment of almost stupefied silence.

"Laxus," Freed eventually said, and the sound of his voice was like music to Laxus.

"Hey," Laxus said, and his voice only barely wavered. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Freed nodded a little. He visibly swallowed, and took a step towards Laxus. "Could we talk, please?"

"Yeah, sure," Laxus also moved, meeting Freed in the middle. He motioned to the small brick wall that separated the front garden from the pathway. "You wanna sit?"

"Thank you," Freed nodded again.

This wasn't going to be a good conversation, Laxus could tell. The very fact that Freed was willing to sit in the cold winter air near the middle of the night said quite a lot. But, Laxus could see Freed gently grazing the palm of his hand while he moved, a nervous tick that Laxus had picked up on a while ago for when Freed was feeling overwhelmed and nervous. This couldn't be a good conversation, and Laxus forced himself to breath calmly before sitting beside him.

"I should apologise," Freed began, his voice low. Regretful. "For kissing you, and certainly for suggesting that we have a night together. You made it clear that it wasn't for the best, and I should have listened."

"I wanted it as much as you did," Laxus admitted. "I enjoyed it, so you don't need to feel guilty. It's just, that's all it could be."

"I know," Freed sighed, looking down at his lap rather than at Laxus. Laxus wished he was looking at him. "But that doesn't change the fact that, the reason I did it was because I was being selfish. I was too focused on what I wanted to think about what was best for us both, and I am very sorry for that. Because if I hadn't kissed you, if I hadn't wanted more from you than I should have, then we'd probably not be out here, having a conversation like this. We'd be inside, enjoying ourselves. But we can't do that, can we?"

"I guess not," Laxus sighed, admitting to a truth that he hated. Because as much as he wanted things to be normal, they weren't.

"I really am sorry," Freed whispered. "Everything you said was right, though. Why we couldn't be together. But I need you to know-"

"Freed," Laxus quivered. "Don't."

"I need you to know that I want to change. That I'm trying to-"

"Please don't do this," Laxus' plea was barely audible.

"-become a better-"

"Freed," Laxus almost begged, voice cracking and getting Freed's attention fully. "You can't do this, you just can't. Because the more you speak, the more I'm gonna believe you. You're like a… a fucking drug to me. I don't get why exactly but I knew you were gonna be big in my life the second I saw you but… I can't get addicted to you. Because it's only gonna end badly."

"Why do you think that?" Freed asked, voice bordering on breaking.

"Because it would," Laxus swallowed. "Because your moms dead and you're refusing to deal with it, and I know what happens when you do that. Because you've got a job and a life that I don't know anything about, and I couldn't work with. Because you're not the kind of guy I could have something casual with. For whatever reason Freed you're the first guy I know to ever make me want more than just a quick fuck or a few weeks together. What I want from you, you can't give me right now. And if we get together, and if you keep saying that there's a chance we can work out, then one day it'll all go to hell."

"Laxus," Freed started again. Laxus wouldn't let him.

"You said one night, that was it," He tried to make his voice strong. "And that's what we did. And I can't risk tainting it. You're more important to me than you know, and I can't ruin it. And I think if we do anything more, then I can't see a way that we end up happy."

"I see," Freed whispered.

Neither spoke for a while after that, instead sitting side by side as the cold winter air flowed over them. Laxus found himself blinking back tears, unable to look anywhere but at his feet as seeing Freed might be too painful. He suspected that Freed might have been doing the same.

"Laxus," Freed said eventually. "Do you remember when you invited me to live in Magnolia? You told me that, in certain circumstances, you can't just carry on doing what you're doing because its easy, and that you sometimes need to remove yourself from a situation to find out who you are now," Laxus nodded. "I think I need to find out who I am without you. Or at least without the possibility of something happening between us."

And didn't that feel like shit.

"So you need to take a step back from me," Laxus whispered, blinking harder now.

"I think so," Freed sighed. "Not permanently, I hope. But you're right, the more time we spend together, the more I'll want to be with you. And if you're as certain as I believe you are, then I think we shouldn't see each other for a while. That we shouldn't… torture ourselves with something that we can't have."

"Yeah," Laxus voice broke. "Makes sense."

"I'm sorry Laxus."

"Don't be," Laxus forced himself to shrug. "I'm the one saying we can't be anything. You're just respecting that."

"Are you okay?"

"Fuck knows," Laxus laughed a little. "You?"

"No," Freed admitted. "I think I should leave, though. There's no good that can come from dragging it out."

"Guess not," Laxus took in a quivering breath. "You wanna call a taxi or something?"

"I'll stay at the house tonight, I can walk there," Freed sighed. "I really am sorry, Laxus."

"It's not your fault," Laxus whispered. "It just is what it is."

"I suppose so," Freed's voice wavered. "Goodbye, Laxus."

"Goodbye, Freed."

With an audible, quivering sigh, Freed stood up. The sound of shoes on tarmac became quieter and quieter as Freed walked away from Laxus, and the blonde only looked up when he knew that Freed was out of sight. He let out a strangled breath, looking at nothing as a wash of misery overtook him. He found his hands moving towards the note in his pocket without realising it, and a moment later he was looking down at it with tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

'Dear Laxus,

I would first like to explain why I'm not here for when you wake. This was in no way my intention, but my train to Era was looming and, despite my best efforts, you are nearly impossible to wake. You have a rather endearing habit of gently snoring, so I can forgive you for that. I do wish I could have spoken to you before I left though.

Our time together last night was incredible, I expect I won't ever forget it, and it is entirely because I shared it with you. You seem to enlighten my existence in a way I can hardly put into words, even though I intend to try. You seem to brighten me, challenge me, and make me a better man. It's as if I have been struck by lightning just by being in your proximity, and your influence on my life has been only positive. When we kissed, it felt as though life was reinvigorated for me. Please know that you are one of the best people I have met, and your kindness is something I'll never be able to thank you enough for.

But I understand why last night is all that we can have as anything other than friends. I know why we can't be more, and as much as I would love to indulge my urges to keep you in my arms for as long as you'd have me, I understand why we can't.

I only wish we can still remain part of one another's lives still. I hope to see you soon, my love.

Freed.'

As the fireworks exploded behind him, bringing in the new year, Laxus let himself cry.