Even though my dad's a judge, my knowledge of how to portray a court case is kind of limited to what I've learned from literature and television.
I therefore apologize for any inaccuracy/attribute it to the fact that Mabel's a twelve-year-old who probably knows even less about proper legal proceedings than I do.
The courtroom was packed.
Soos, Wendy and Candy sat in the front row, surrounded by a legion of sentient stuffed animals and giant food and other creatures they barely knew how to classify, with that same awful eighties music playing in the background.
Don't get me wrong, Soos liked eighties music as much as the next guy, but even he didn't want to hear the same tune over and over and over again unless it was "Straight Blanchin'."
Mabel sat at a table in front of them, arms folded and face stony, with Dipper in a beanbag chair next to her. And next to the not-yet-occupied judge's chair stood Stanford Pines, who had undergone yet another wardrobe change.
As bad as the hoodie outfit had been, this one was even worse. He was now wearing a black-and-white striped prisoner's uniform, complete with the stupid little hat, and he was trapped in one of those boards with holes in it for your head and wrists, like the ones Mr. Pines had been held in on Pioneer Day. There was a sign hanging over it that read 'LOSER FACE,' in bright red letters.
"Dude, she is really mad at him," Soos whispered to Wendy.
Wendy didn't answer, but she grimaced and gave a tiny nod.
Dipper looked at Mabel in annoyance.
"Seriously? You're putting him in the stocks?!"
"Well, technically this is a pillory," Ford corrected. "Stocks is the term for one of these devices that was for imprisoning the criminal's feet-"
"Would you like to join him, Dipper?" Mabel asked. "Wait, why am I even asking, of course you would."
She started to raise her hands to clap together-before Dipper smacked them back down.
"Would you stop that?"
Mabel scowled at him, but reluctantly acquiesced.
"All rise, for the honorable Judge Kitty Kitty Meow-Meow-Face-Shwartzstein!" announced a giraffe in a policeman's uniform.
A large pink cat in a wig and judge's robes popped out of a hole at the bottom of the chair, and slowly climbed his way up into it.
"Order! Order! The trial begins right meow!" He banged his gavel, which just made a few pathetic squeaky noises, before noticing the large strand of yarn hanging close to his head; instantly he became distracted by playing with it, until the police giraffe reminded him of the situation.
"We are here to try Stanford, and to a lesser extent, Dipper, Pines, for crimes against Mabel's happiness!"
A chorus of boos and hisses rose up from the crowd.
"If the accused somehow manages to win this case, he and his group of mindless followers-"
Wendy looked up. "Is he seriously talking about us?"
Candy scowled. "Not cool, Mabel."
"-will be allowed to bring Mabel back to the real world. But if he loses, he will be banished from Mabeland forever! And, unless he renounces his Ford-worshipping ways, Dipper Pines will be banished with him!"
"I do not worship him!" Dipper protested. It was ignored.
Judge Kitty Kitty-Whatever gestured to the still-empty jury box. "The final decision will be made by a jury of your peers!"
Seconds later, the box was filled with six doppelgangers of Mabel, all dressed in different sweaters, who began complimenting each other's headbands.
Dipper and Ford both groaned in disgust.
"This trial is such an obvious kangaroo court," Ford muttered.
"Is not!" growled the judge. He gestured over his shoulder. "That's the courtroom next door."
There were some loud crashes on the other side of the wall that sounded like a group of large marsupials bouncing around.
Then the doors of the courtroom swung open, and in strolled the same brightly colored and radical young men from earlier; now they were in very nice suits with the sleeves ripped off.
"We have a doctorate degree in hunkiness!" exclaimed the one with the blue hair (Dipper had given up trying to remember their names).
"That's not a real degree!" Ford protested.
"Also criminal and international law!" said the other.
"Okay, that one is."
"Yay, my legal team!" Mabel waved at them as they reached the front of the courtroom.
"Hey! Where's our legal team?" Dipper asked.
Mabel folded her arms behind her head. "I figure since you guys are so smart you don't need one. You can be your own legal team."
"You know that's not fair!" His hands clenched against the table. "Ugh, you are being so sel-"
"Dipper!"
He jerked his head up to see Ford anxiously shaking his head no. He tried to give Dipper a reassuring smile. "It's okay. Just calm down."
Dipper gritted his teeth, and tried to remember what he'd learned from every criminal investigation show ever.
He hoped he wouldn't have to call any last-minute witnesses or try to bust a chair across someone's teeth.
"Let's hear opening statements," Judge Meow Meow proclaimed, squeaking his hammer again.
"Your honor, townsfolk, lovely ladies of the jury-" proclaimed the yellow-haired guy.
All the Mabels swooned; Dipper rolled his eyes.
"Our case is simple: this totally unrighteous dude-" he pointed at Ford.
"Uh, read the sign, bro," the blue-haired one stage-whispered, "he's worse than unrighteous! He's a loser face!"
"Oh, riiiight!" Yellow Hair corrected himself. "This loser face wants Mabel to come back into the real world with him! But we are here to prove that reality is-" he pointed at a board that had suddenly appeared- "bogus, lame and whack." As he said the words, they appeared on the board.
Ford tilted his head, looking more than a little puzzled. "...Are those things people say now?"
"They are in Mabeland!" The legal team high-fived each other.
Dipper rolled his eyes again, and leaned his hand on his chin.
"We call our first witness, Stanford Pines!"
The "legal team" looked at Ford, and then to the witness chair.
Ford gave them a look, and made a gesture with his hands to indicate the stocks-sorry, pillory-which were anchoring him in place.
"Oh, riiiight!" Blue Hair walked over to lean on the side of the pillory. "Mr. Pines, why are you so insistent on bringing Mabel back to the real world anyway?"
Ford sighed. "Because this place is a creation of Bill Cipher, and therefore-"
"Oh, so it's not because you enjoy ruining her happiness?"
"Objection, your honor!" Dipper leaped to his feet. "That's leading the witness!"
"Meow-verruled!" The judge squeaked the hammer. "Now sit down!"
Dipper growled, but took his seat.
Ford's eyebrows knitted together. "I don't take any kind of pleasure in ruining Mabel's happiness."
"Oh, really?! Because we've got a lot of evidence to the contrary!" Yellow Hair reached into a briefcase and pulled out a familiar, thick, pink scrapbook with random splatters of glittery paint. "I give you Exhibit A: the day the new season of Ducktective came out!"
Dipper flinched.
The scrapbook was opened, and the room changed around them. It showed everyone the day Ford and Dipper had set up their DD&D game in the living room, interrupting Stan, Mabel and Grenda's plans to have their marathon; then how this resulted in Stan and Ford fighting again, and Stan throwing the infinity-sided dice, accidentally summoning Probabilitor the Annoying.
"Mabel's fantasy was getting to watch her show with her favorite grunkle and her friend, but thanks to you, her plans were ruined because she had to save you from getting your brains eaten instead!"
Ford spluttered. "You are ignoring several crucial facts-"
"Silence!" The judge hissed at him angrily, while all his fur puffed up and his claws were bared. Then he cleared his throat, and began washing one of his paws.
"Don't mind me; continue."
"Thanks, your honor!"
Blue Hair turned the page.
"Exhibit B: the day Mabel learned that unicorns are total butt-faces."
The enchanted glade where Celestabellebethabelle lived filled the room.
"Oh come on! That wasn't even his fault! He totally warned her that unicorns were frustrating!" Dipper protested.
"That is so not the point, little dude!" Yellow Hair turned to him. "Up until that point, Mabel was happily obsessed with unicorns, dreaming about them and drawing them and squeezing her Princess Loveacorn at night-now she can barely even look at it, because cold reality ruined unicorns for her forever!"
Mabel folded her arms and stared sulkily down at the tabletop.
"And the worst exhibit of all-Exhibit C!"
Blue Hair turned another page, and suddenly they were in the attic, listening with Mabel to Ford's voice crackling through the walkie-talkie, asking Dipper to stay with him and become his apprentice.
"As if her day wasn't hard enough already-finding out that high school's a nightmare and her friends weren't going to be at her and Dipper's thirteenth birthday party, or even get to say goodbye to her when she went home-then she learned that you, Stanford Pines, were going to take away her brother forever!"
The jury booed, as did most of the audience.
Ford tried unsuccessfully to straighten up. "It wouldn't have been forever! Mabel, you are completely overreacting-"
"OVERREACTING?!"
Mabel, ignoring whatever protocol still existed in this courtroom, jumped up and stormed towards the prisoner. One small hand jabbed him right in the nose.
"You brainwashed him into abandoning me, just like you abandoned Grunkle Stan! You still can't get over your STUPID GRUDGE against him, so you don't want us to be happy together either!"
"That is not true!"
"Oh, isn't it?!" She snapped her fingers, and suddenly they were seeing the crash site, with Ford and Dipper searching for the adhesive.
"Gosh, we've never really been apart before," past-Dipper said hesitantly.
"And isn't it suffocating? Dipper, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?"
Dipper's heart sank into his stomach. How had she-it had to be that Bill had somehow let her see this memory, since Mabel was nowhere near them when it happened. And if she'd heard that…
No wonder she was so angry.
Mabel glared at Ford one more time, before slowly walking back to her seat.
Her radical legal team looked at each other, and then up at the judge.
"Your honor, the prosecution rests its case."
Blue Hair produced a microphone from nowhere, and dropped it.