RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES
Written by Christopher Rangel
CHAPTER 11: STARLESS
Squidward looked at the clock on the wall to see how much time he had left. It was enough. He went to the corner of the living room and brought his black music stand to the center of the room. He put some sheet music on it, then took his Clarinet out of its case. He managed to play a single note before a knock came on the door. He looked at the clock and raised his eyebrows. Well, she's right on time, He thought. Damn, it took that long to set up? Keeping a hold of his clarinet, he opened the front door.
"You must be Cinder," Squidward said, extending a tentacle.
"That's me!" said Cinder, shaking his tentacle. "I'm really excited to be here, Mr. Tentacle-Hentai."
"Please, call me Squidward," said Squidward. "Please, come on in." She came on in, and Squidward shut the door. She was wearing an elegant red dress, red streaked dark hair seductively covering one eye. Much better dressed than Squidward in his usual brown t-shirt and no pants. She was standing nervously between the couch and the television. "You're welcome to have a seat!"
"Oh, of course," said Cinder. She sat on the couch. "I still can't believe I won the contest."
"Well, congratulations, you did! And thank you for supporting my OnlyFans!"
"Oh, my pleasure," Cinder said, winking and giggling on the word 'pleasure.' She looked at the music stand, then his clarinet. "Are you going to play music for me?" she asked, flipping her pitch black hair.
"Oh, I was just practicing a little. Give me a moment, I'll put this stuff right away."
"Oh, no, I want to hear it," Cinder said with a smile.
"Alright, this is your evening!" Squidward said approaching the music stand. "I'm not… not great or anything, but…" he stood in ready position to play, legs shoulder width apart, clarinet held right in front of him. He cleared his throat. "Are you familiar with King Crimson?"
"I've heard of them," said Cinder. "Haven't actually listened to them, though."
"Well, this is one of their songs," said Squidward. "It's called 'Starless.'" He started playing. Cinder smiled as the sexy, slender blue squidman she had lady-fapped to many times played one of the darkest, most beautifully haunting melodies she had ever heard. Squidward took the clarinet from his lips and said. "I'm still figuring out the second half of the song. It gets pretty crazy, you know. That hoopy Robert Fripp frood is a madman."
"That was great," Cinder said. She raised an eyebrow as she said "But I think I'd like to feel the music a little more."
"You… do you want me to play it louder?"
"No, I mean…" Cinder spread her legs and lifted her dress a little, revealing her already dripping snatch. "I want to feel the music a little more."
"I see," Squidward said. There was no hiding his erection, seeing as he was not wearing any pants. He got on his knees in front of Cinder, who winked and bit her lip. She moaned as Squidward eased the bell-end of his clarinet into her pusspuss. Once it was firmly and fully in there, he looked up at her. She was nodding, smiling, biting her lip. Squidward licked his lips, cleared his throat, put his lips on the clarinet and blew as fucking hard as he could.
The intense, fast section of King Crimson's "Starless" was playing in the background as Ruby descended with blow after blow upon SQUIDWARD TENTACLE-HENTAI – LOVECRAFT FORM with her MOONBLOOD SCYTHE, all of which Squidward deftly deflected with three quick blocks from his trident-arm.
"Too slow!" Squidward roared, lashing out at the gang with three of his tentacles.
"Yang!" Ruby shouted as one of the tentacles wrapped around her sister.
"Erg, let me go!" said Yang.
"I got it," said Weiss, and she summoned up that ghost knight dude thing and had it chop the tentacle clean off.
"Thanks, comrade," said Yang.
"Da," said Weiss.
"I wish we had our weapons," said Yang. "Ruby's facing him all by herself." But then there was a sound that sounded like "Wr… wr… wr…" and the TARDIS materialized before them. The door burst open and the 12th Doctor (as played by Peter Capaldi) burst out.
"Ruby! Great news! Ye kin fook yerself agin!" He looked at the giant Lovecraftian squid and said "What the fuck is dat shit?!"
"Evil giant squidman," said Yang.
"And yer letting Ruby fight… that thing… by herself?"
"We don't have our weapons," said Weiss.
"Hmm…" said The Doctor. "Where might I find yer weapons?"
"Squidward's house, probably," said Yang.
"Okay, I'll be right back," said the Doctor. The TARDIS disappeared, then reappeared a second later. The Doctor and Clara stepped out, handing Yang and Weiss their weapons.
"I'll just leave Ruby's scythe here," said Clara. "There was also a gunblade there. I'm not sure if that belonged to anyone, or…" said Clara.
"It's hers," Yang said, looking sadly at Blake.
"I see…" Clara said.
"Hey, who the fuck are you guys anyway?" Yang asked.
"I'm the Doctor, Ruby's gynecologist," said The Doctor, Ruby's gynecologist. "This is my assistant, Clara…"
"Hey, I'm Clara," said Clara.
"…And that thing is fucking terrifying," said the Doctor, "So we're gonna get the fuck outta here." And so they got the fuck outta there.
"Ruby, catch!" Yang yelled, yeeting Graceful Dahlia towards Ruby.
"Fuck yeah!" Ruby yelled, catching the scythe. "DUAL WIELD!" She spun gracefully in the air, becoming a black and red cyclone of blades, so powerful that Squidward was forced to take a step back as he held back her assault.
"Alright, bitch," said Yang. "Let's join the fray!" And so Yang and Weiss joined the fray. When Ruby landed back on the solid ice, she was standing right between her old pals Weiss and Yang. All three of them assumed their battle positions with a smile. Squidward started walking towards him, his shredded abs glistening in the moonlight like six newborn babies packed into a tin meant for sardines.
"Do you hoes truly believe you can defeat me?" Squidward said. "I am the SON OF A GOD! Haw, HAW! Haw, HAAAWW!"
"That's too bad," said Ruby. "You might have stood a chance… if you were the daughter of a God."
"Bhad bitchez fo lyfe," Yang said. Without taking their eyes off of Squidward, they gave each other a high five. Squidward clenched his teeth and gave a furious glare, then leapt towards the three girls. Yang fired away with her gun arm; one of her bullets hit Squidward's side, causing him to lose his balance enough so that Ruby, Yang, and Weiss could easily jump out of the way. Ruby cut away a couple of his beard tentacles as she jumped to the side.
"Sorry, thought you could use a bit of a shave!" Ruby said.
"Do you truly think you can shave me," Squidward said, as his beard regrew itself, "WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SHAVE YOURSELF?!" He slammed five tentacles down on Ruby, who crossed her scythes in front of her to hold him back. The frozen lake was beginning to crack beneath her. Beads of sweat began forming on her brow, and Squidward began laughing as the ice cracked further. One shard of ice beneath scratched at her ankle; how far down was she being pushed, anyway? She looked over at Weiss, who gave a subtle smile. Ruby understood. In one deft movement, she forced Squidward's tentacles back far enough to allow enough space to jump out from under him, and as Squidward came down upon the space Ruby had been standing in, a large, long shard icicle shot out from the lake at Weiss's command, impaling Squidward through the chest and lifting him high in the air, his large, squiddy form now silhouetted in the light of the full moon. The three girls stood looking up at him. Something was flowing down the icicle, a thick, dark liquid.
"Blood?" Yang asked.
"No," Mulan said, walking onto the lake. "Ink! Look out!"
The ink formed into dark, squidlike shadows which assaulted Team RWBY and Mulan. Ruby spun her scythes like helicopter blades, scattering the inklings as they came at her. Yang punched and shot away at them, their ink splattering across the ice with each punch. Weiss and her knight-dude were swinging away like crazy.
"Ruby, behind you!" Mulan yelled. Ruby turned around in time to see the final inkling leaping right at her, only for it to be shot and splattered away by Yang.
"Thanks, Yang," Ruby said.
"You know I've always got your back, sis," Yang said. Weiss picked up Blake and hefted her over her shoulder.
"It's over," said Weiss, looking up to the impaled Squidman above. "Let's go."
They walked off of the lake, now painted pitch black by the destroyed inklings.
"Guys, look," said Mulan. They all turned around and watched as something started rising out of the ink.
"The ink…" said Ruby. Squidward, not quite dead yet, began to laugh.
"Son of a bitch," Yang said under her breath. Three expressionless, humanoid giants formed out of the ink.
"What are they?" Ruby asked.
"Our creator in living form," said Mulan. "The ultimate result of Walt Disney's ink-based experiments. The Inkans."
"They were living… inside Squidward Tentacle-Hentai?" Yang asked.
"Yes," said Mulan. "Towards the end of his life, Walt Disney made a pact with the eldritch god Cthulhu. Squidward Tentacle-Hentai was created as a vessel to house the Inkans, in order to keep Disney's darkest secret hidden from the world. His brothers, Spongebob and Patrick, were created to keep him company."
"Darkest secret…" Ruby echoed. The three giants, standing as tall as the icicle Squidward was impaled on, looked at each other, then looked at Squidward.
"Grant me… this last wish… my friends…" Squidward said. The giants nodded, and the tallest one, standing between the other two, pulled Squidward off of the icicle and cupped him in his hands. He then knelt down and opened them again. Squidward stepped out and walked across the ice, now completely clear. His eyes were pitch black, and the hole the icicle left was a bubbling puddle of dark ink. A dark sword of ink formed in his hand, and he left behind black ink footprints wherever he stepped. The three Inkans stepped back, emitting to everyone through the shared heritage of ink that their intention was simply to observe the final battle.
"You… dare… turn… against… YOUR CREATOR!?"
"You're no creator," said Ruby. "You're just an empty shell."
Squidward let loose a primal scream, globs of ink coming from his mouth like spit.
"Nobody will be pleased when I hand him your corpses," Squidward laughed.
"We'll take care of Nobody… the Niplord after we're done with you," said Ruby. She stepped forward to finish this, but there was a hand on her shoulder.
"No," came Blake's voice. "Me."
"But you can't see," said Ruby. "Are you sure?"
"I can hear," said Blake. "Variation" by Dance Gavin Dance started playing in the background as Yang handed Blake picked her sword. Blake started walking towards Squidward.
"Oh look, my poor blind cat has a sword," said Squidward. He pointed his sword towards her. "Here Kitty Kitty." Blake ran towards him and swung her sword, which Squidward effectively but clumsily blocked.
"You'll have to do better than that," Squidward said, kicking Blake back. She almost fell, but kept her balance by sticking her sword in the ice. Squidward came swinging, but Blake, hearing the "Swish" of air, spun around the handle of her sword and delivered an airborne kick to Squidward, sending them both tumbling across the ice and weaponless as the Inkans watched on.
Squidward coughed up ink and struggled to get up, but his efforts came too late. Blake had already straddled him, pinning him to the ground, and she wrapped both of her hands around his thin little neck. Squidward flailed his tentacles, trying to break free, but he was too weak. The intro to "Starless" by King Crimson started playing in the background as Squidward looked helplessly into the sky. One by one, each of the stars began to fade as his vision got dimmer and dimmer. Then the moon, too, disappeared, and all he saw was, as the song goes, "Starless and Bible Black."
"Cinder…" the name went through his head just as it ceased to think. Blake released her hands from Squidward's neck, then collapsed forward, sobbing.
"Blake!" Ruby called. Ruby, Yang, and Weiss ran towards her. They helped her stand up, then together they looked up at the Inkans.
It is decided, the Inkans thought into their minds. The three giants held hands, the ink of their beings melding together into one giant, dark, cocoon-like form. Limbs and a head stretched out as the new figure uncurled itself, with golden eyes and massive wings.
"Chernabog…" said Mulan. "Of course."
Freedom… thought Chernabog, Is the way forward. And we that, he spread his wings and flew away into the moonlight. Ruby looked directly at the moon, and just for a moment she was paralyzed. There was something there… something looking back at her… Something waiting.
Ebony… a name echoed through her head. A presence, completely different from Chernabog's…
"Ruby!" Yang said, shaking Ruby out of it and ending the music. "Ruby, you in there?"
"Y… yeah," said Ruby. She looked at the moon again; nothing was there. "Geez… I'm hungry," she said.
"Come on," said Yang. "I know a place…"
They returned to the ruins of Squidward's house. Amidst the burned remains of the house there was a giant pot, within which Mr. Krabs had been cooked to perfection. Dinner was served…
"It's… Blake," said Blake. "My name is… Blake."
"Blake," Alan Watts said with a smile. "It is nice to meet you, Blake. Please, have a seat. There is one open right next to our good friend Theon, here."
"Hey," Theon said, patting the seat next to him.
"Thank you," Blake said, taking her seat.
"Would you mind telling us a little about yourself, Blake?" asked Alan Watts.
"Meow," said Blake. "I mean, of course!" And so she told them a little about herself.
"You think she's going to be okay?" Yang asked Ruby as they both stood just past the doorway.
Ruby nodded. "I think she's gonna pull through. But come on, we've got one more thing to do today."
"Right," said Yang, and they left their friend to heal.
"It's time," said Albert Wesker, walking across the morgue.
"Time for what?" said Chris Redfield. "What are you talking about?" Albert showed him a vial of dark liquid. "Oh, of course. It's that time." Chris opened one of the drawers, pulling out the body of Jerry Seinfeld. Without saying a word, Albert Wesker injected the ink into Jerry Seinfeld's neck. They stood back and watched as Seinfeld's body began to shrink and change color, turning from the pale shade of death to the black and yellow of… a bee!
The bee crawled around a little. "I'm alive!" it said. Albert and Chris stepped forward to get a better look. "And I'm… a BEE?! What the fuck?!"
Now the reader may be thinking, "Oh, Bee Jerry Seinfeld? See his Barry B. Benson from the Bee Movie, isn't he?" To which I, the writer and Godchris of this Universe would say "No! He's Bee Jerry Seinfeld, a character that doesn't exist!" The reader might then ask "What the fuck, why isn't he Barry B. Benson?" And I would say "Fuck you, I'll get to that." For the record, Bee Jerry Seinfeld is a 2-dimensional character, whereas Barry B. Benson is a 3-dimensional character. But, again, we'll get to that in a later chapter.
Ruby, Yang, and Weiss stepped into the room.
"I remember you," said Bee Jerry Seinfeld. "You haggled me at the show where I killed myself."
"Yup," said Ruby, and she caught Bee Jerry Seinfeld in a glass jar.
TO BE CONTINUED