Castle is in the hospital and she sat in public like a stooge. She storms out of the lift on the fourth floor. Kate's emotions battle between fury and fear for dominance.
Doctor Kyle looks appropriately chagrined at having mislead her, nevertheless he physically restrains her from shoving him aside to get to Rick's hospital room. "Kate, calm down. We need to talk before you see him."
"You're a real bastard! All day you let me sit in court knowing my partner needed me." She goes to push by him again and he grabs her arm to stop her.
She growls, "Let go or end up on the ground." She drops the bag she's carrying, ready to follow through with her threat.
"If I go down I'm taking you with me and I really don't want either of us to get hurt. It's okay to lash out at me. I know where it's coming from and I won't take it personally." He waits for a few seconds knowing the higher brain functions are still under the control of the stress hormones coursing through her body. When his assessment notes slower breathing and the tension in her muscles easing, he shares more. "I had to put Rick's needs ahead of yours. I'm doing it again right now. If you don't calm down and let me talk to you, I'll deny you access to the patient. I am his doctor of record for this admittance."
Suddenly her fury is spent and concern wins out. "Kyle, he's in the hospital! This is my fault."
He picks up the dropped bag and steers her back to the small waiting room just off the elevators. He points to a hard plastic blue chair, waits until she sits, then hands her a bottle of cold water. Drinking it will help the parasympathetic nervous system overcome her agitation. Once a few gulps are down, she starts calming further.
"This is not your fault." He stops. Until she hears the truth there is no point in continuing. She's brittle and he knows how hard the battle is to keep from shoving the emotional trauma aside. Kyle is first and foremost her friend, but right now being a psychiatrist has to take priority.
A small nod is enough.
"Castle gave me explicit permission to tell you all this so I'm going to lay it out. He has an ulcer which began bleeding this morning. He also has an elevated white blood count which may be related to the stomach problem. He's had some preliminary tests today but more are scheduled for tomorrow, so he will be staying in the hospital overnight.
Another tiny nod.
"I know you are silently blaming yourself despite what I said a minute ago. This is no one's fault. Stress may have aggravated the ulcer but probably didn't cause it. The likely origin is over-use of aspirin and not eating. He said it started a few months ago when he was behind on his writing. I gather procrastination is normal for him?"
A tiny smile tugs at Kate's mouth.
Kyle gives her details, drawing out the time his friend needs to calm down. "He did a massive amount of writing to meet his deadline just before Captain Montgomery's death and your shooting occurred. Castle said he decided to rewrite a major portion of the story tilting the plot as a tribute to Roy, basically writing the novel a second time. Rick got that done and then I think he used his writing as a coping mechanism because he just wrote a Derrick Storm novella. All of this writing left him with carpal tunnel injuries to his wrists."
A flick of her eyes betray surprise.
"He masked the pain rather than deal with it by taking too many aspirins, but unfortunately had too little food in his stomach to keep the gastric lining from being irritated resulting in an ulcer. This occurred over several months, not just since your shooting. The pressure he felt testifying this morning made it start bleeding. Rick is an adult and made choices so you're not allowed to take blame for his decisions." Kyle waits.
"Okay. I'm not to blame. Can I go see him now?" She's sitting like a remorseful school girl wearing a dunce cap.
"No, there's more."
Beckett stares at Kyle dreading whatever is next.
"You're not the only one with a debilitating case of PTSD."
Beckett's astonishment plain in her slack-jawed silent expression.
"His disorder manifests differently from how I suspect yours does, but his psychological responses are classic, especially for first responders or others who witness a crisis rather than experience it directly. If left untreated trauma can accumulate and Rick reached his limit." Kyle takes her hand gives a few seconds to take it all in.
"NO! His mind - he's brilliant. His way with words, his humor, his soul... Oh, God! How bad is it?" This is tearing her heart into pieces.
"His PTSD is causing serious and pervasive disruptions to his life. His hyper-vigilance manifested as an obsession with Johanna's case. He was going to solve it at any cost. He lost weight. He couldn't sleep without nightmares so he began working out as a way to force his body to collapse at night. Rick is also depressed and sold things that used to be important to him. I understand he used to be in the spotlight a lot but since all this happened he's isolated himself from public events and made excuses not to keep up with friends. He withdrew from meaning interactions like the NYPD and his publisher. Rick's personality is one who loves deeply, but he admits he's mostly been feeling numb and irritable. His emotions were causing mood swings that probably had him pushing you away despite being in love with you. Rick has a classic case of self-blame for 'poking around' in your mother's case so he carries a heavy burden of guilt for you getting shot. Normally I wouldn't detail a patient's diagnosis, but he shared that you both have communication issues so he insisted on transparency. "
"This is my fault."
Dr. Winston tilts his head, asks in a mock serious tone, "It's your fault? Rick said he was responsible for your shooting - for putting a target on you."
"What? Hell no! How can you even say that?" She looks at him like he is the stupidest person on the planet.
"So Rick is not responsible for your shooting but you are responsible for hiring the sniper that shot you and caused Rick's PTSD? It can't work both ways. Let's agree that Bracken is responsible." He gives her hand a squeeze and lets her be utterly miserable before poking at her. "So are you giving up the super-hero complex or pulling a cape out of this bag?"
"Oh shut up." she grouses. Then she sits up a little straighter. "What else do I need to know? How can I help him?"
"You can't try to 'fix' it just like he couldn't fix you. Let the professionals do their job. Don't assume you know what's best for him just because you're going through it too. Support him, but trust him to make the best choices for his recovery. Your relationship has been rocky from what I heard, but hopefully this will be a catalyst to build something solid and long lasting. That's all the advice I'm willing to dispense for free." He smirks, letting her know he's teasing. "I've been doing most of the talking. Do you have questions?"
Yes, about a thousand of them but only time will tell the answers. "How can I ever thank you? First the work for the task force and then you save Rick when I couldn't... Kyle..." words trail off and she pulls him up to wrap him in a giant hug.
He mummers in her ear, "I'm glad I could help - I like Rick. I don't have any nerd buddies like him so I hope all of us can be life-long friends. I won't jeopardize that friendship by acting like a shrink any longer, so I'm going to leave and go home." He eases back.
She nods, overcome with gratitude that after all the darkness in her life, there are some very bright spots. "I'll take to heart everything you've said and I'll give you some space so I don't use you as my dial-a-shrink. Thank you so very much. It's inadequate, but all I can offer." She releases him picks up the bag and takes a deep breath. "Have a safe trip."
He winks, "Go see lover boy," and disappears before the bag she swings can hit him.
Kate approaches room 411 with the same trepidation as if she were being called before a review board for an unjust shooting. She stands just inside the room relieved to see him resting, looking almost peaceful.
"It's safe to come in. I'm not ready for the looney bin yet according to Dr. Winston." Those deep blue eyes open and shine with mischief.
She snorts, "You've been skirting the looney tunes title ever since you started playing cop without a gun. You did manage to scare Dr. Winston - he tucked his tail between his legs and is running home. The pair of us is too much for him." It's her that's scared, but Rick already knows.
"Kyle is a good man. Last night he took me to dinner and it was the first time I've hung out with a guy who shares a lot of common interests. We both had a great time. I'm sorry I scared him away. It's important to me that your friendship with him continues."
"Just so you know, he hopes you guys can be buddies." She finally steps fully into the hospital room, choosing to sit beside his bed, not on it.
"Come on Kate, don't be mean. That's what the nurses are. Give me my present." He stares at the large bag, pleading, playing up the pout to lighten the moment.
She's been lugging it around since lunch and almost forgot it was still with her. Such a fortunate happenstance. She holds up the shiny teal bag, does a fake debate on whether he gets it, and refuses to say anything about the origin of the gift.
"Not breakable." he grunts when she shoves it carelessly onto the bed. "Somewhat heavy." He slides the large mound out and tears the tissue paper away. He eagerly unfolds the fabric until he can take in the overall pattern of the quilt. "Oh wow. This is so cool!" He immediately starts fingering different fabrics - the waves, clouds, and wind - but it's the other ones that make him grin. "A Sherlock hat and magnifying glass! A map and treasure chest. Oooh - ghosts!"
He looks up at her, genuine surprise and utter joy playing over his features. "Kate, I don't know where you got this but it's amazing. I can already picture snuggling under it watching a movie at the Hampton's house. It's perfect in every way. Thank you!"
She blushes under his appreciation of it. "It's called Storm at Sea. A security blanket seems very appropriate." They stare at each other, a mix of emotions playing out.
"We need to talk." They both say it at the same time and give each other a feeble grin.
Rick pats the bed encouraging her to come closer. She perches on the edge and motions for him to go ahead.
"First, I apologize for misleading you but I really felt it necessary you be in court. I will also reluctantly admit I wanted to hide this from you- from everybody."
She nods in understanding. "Yeah, I understand that feeling. Kyle filled me in on the medical info. Nikki has hurt you." She takes his hand and traces the special wrap on his wrists.
"No subtext, please. As usual I was acting like an adolescent avoiding my professional obligations. I got behind and had to do some marathon writing sessions. My actions, my consequences, my fault."
"He also told me you have PTSD. Despite the lecture he gave me, I still feel I should have seen what was going on. It's so unlike you to pick fights and stay away from me."
"I was trying to hide it. I'm the son of an actress, so I know how to mask feelings and project false ones. I thought I was pretty good at it until Kyle started dissecting my psyche. You know that first day when I profiled you? I'm really sorry. Now I know what it's like being on the receiving end of that." He gives a small shudder. "Your Dr. Winston is scary good at it. Rather than just lay out the symptoms, he told me stories of medics and cops and how the trauma 'reflected' from the victims to them. Of course I saw the parallels so I admit I have a problem."
The patient takes a deep breath and continues. "I need to deal with the PTSD, and we've come up with a plan. Um, Alexis and I were going to her fencing tournament in Maryland the day after tomorrow. We were planning on being gone for two weeks and doing a little sightseeing once it was over. I don't want to stop her from participating so we're still planning on our trip. Kyle called in a favor to get me daily appointments with a guy he trusts that has a 'great quirky sense of humor.' I'll be a little more out of the spotlight down there and I won't be keeping my daughter from living her life."
It's an unexpected development, but Kate knows his daughter comes first. She evaluates how she can support them and opens up about her recent struggles, "I know there were times after therapy I literally curled up and cried like a baby. You need the freedom to be able to that without having to worry about Alexis. How do you think she'll feel about me tagging along?"
"She's down in the cafeteria right now. If I'm reading her correctly, she's going to be clingy the next few weeks because she blames herself for not making me eat. I didn't give her a detailed picture of what's going on, but she's grasped monitoring my food intake as something tangible she can do to help me get better. I know she is freaked out to find me here."
"Me too. I thought if you ended up in the hospital it was because you didn't stay in the car when I told you to." Things have to be fine if they can tease one another.
"Truthfully, me too. I was reckless and disregarded everything but my whims on so many occasions." he shakes his head with remorse at the person he sees when he looks back at himself. "Back to Alexis, she thinks all Becketts are super heroes."
The look of utter astonishment is priceless. It's an expression he's never seen before and it's full of hope which is what she needs right now. He explains, "You may know I kind of of pushed my way into your dad's life and found ways to fill up his evenings?" He doesn't know what Jim has said and he scrutinizes her for a reaction.
The kiss to his cheek leaves Rick astonished. Who is this woman that is openly affectionate with him? "Oh wow, if I'd known that was the way to your heart I'd have shown up years ago and demanded he tell me stories of little Katie bug."
She reaches for his ear which has him cringing, but she gives it a gentle caress, "Alexis?"
"Alexis volunteered to go see Jim. Not only did she want to ask him all kinds of questions about the law, but she wanted to transfer your family photos to digital formats and archival quality albums. She did that for Roy's family, too. Anyway, she came back very impressed by your father and that doesn't happen often. She made an album for you full of accolades and special insights highlighting James Beckett, esquire. Then she made another album for him about your career which left her in awe of what you do. She gave strict instructions not to let you leave without making sure you take yours with you." He points to an album with an oak tree on the cover stacked with his other items on a counter.
"Rick, I'm blown away! I can't wait to look through them both."
"Alexis is down in café so she'll back soon." Which means he needs to get to the hard part of the conversation. "Back to the plan, I've got it worked out so I'll have several hours after each session to process things while my kid is elsewhere." He takes her hand and gently shares, "Remember all those appointments you just made with doctors and specialists? You just got started with your new therapist, Dr. Burke, and your physical therapy needs continuity. I think you need to stay here."
"Castle, I can reschedule the medical appointments and do video sessions with the psychologist. I can get physical therapy anywhere. Don't try to use the case as a reason to put me off either. There is no way I'm sitting around waiting for preliminary hearings when my partner needs me. Nothing is going to happen with Bracken for several weeks, probably months."
"Actually Bracken will agree to a plea deal soon. The evidence is over-whelming and he doesn't have the financial resources to attract a top notch firm and jury consultants for a protracted legal battle. Bracken's known assets are frozen and his hidden assets have magically disappeared. Even if a firm wants to represent him for the publicity, he's still facing the death penalty or life behind bars. He can't run - his plan was exposed and the kingpin that could help him withdrew support." He stops, grins, shrugs, then gleefully continues, "I told the man his only negotiation tactic is to choose which prison he goes to unless he wants to be Vulcan's bitch."
She gasps, "You told him that? He'd be Vulcan's prison wife? Oh, wow. No wonder the man gave you a death glare in court." She knows better than to comment on the rest of it.
Castle takes a deep breath and gets back to the heart of the matter. "I think I need to go away to heal. By myself. I mean with only Alexis. I'll be in a location with no difficult memories, I'll put in the work in the morning, take time to deal with it, and Alexis will chatter away in the evenings and drag me to movies and restaurants." He stops rambling when it sinks in for her.
Beckett actually deflates when she realizes he doesn't want me to go with him. "Is this because I turned to Sorenson after I was shot?"
"I'm not surprised you think I'd be that childish to push you away so you'd get a dose of your own medicine. If you need to hear it, I forgive you for whatever choices you made that didn't include me. I hope you can do the same for me."
"Rick, is this the PTSD talking? Kyle said it was the reason you were pushing me away and this seems like a continuation of that behavior."
"The short term result may be the same but the motivations are vastly different. I was trying to avoid dealing with things but now I'm trying to face them. This is me being an adult and communicating what I need."
This hurts. His request to go without her goes against everything she wants. A minute or so of quiet passes where sounds from the hospital try to fill the void. When she speaks, it's more to herself than him, "I'm the one who had the wall but you're the one going up and over it. 'Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all of the king's horses, and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty back together again.' They can help, but Humpty has to be the one to start the healing process by picking up the pieces."
She shrugs. "I'd probably have hidden away all summer even if I didn't have the excuse of someone hunting me down. It took Lanie pushing me to face up to the mess I made and force me into therapy. I did it but I also appreciated privacy while I went through it. I guess you deserve the same option. I don't want it to be like this, but I understand it." She puts on a brave face and waits, too full of emotion to speak.
"Kate, I think we both need this. Your life's quest is drawing to a close. What are your plans once you heal? I want to finish growing up, stop being the class clown and hiding myself behind a playboy fake public image."
"Rick, how drastic is this metamorphosis you're planning? Last I heard Nikki and Rook were being held hostage by Black Pawn and you told the publisher to keep them. No more Heat? If you want them back I can help. Please let me help." She's close to tears.
"Kate, until recently we only communicated through subtext. Right now we don't need the complication of fictitious characters being mistaken for real life. Please don't misconstrue the situation believing I don't want Nikki and Rook. I don't want to be controlled by them, my publisher, or anyone else. I know Jim offered to help, too. I'll do whatever it takes because I'm not going to be a puppet any more. Meanwhile we are going ahead with publishing Heat Rises. Oh, you need to hear this from me: I didn't dedicate this novel to you. Please don't read too much into that, okay? Does that answer your concerns?"
No, she's more concerned than ever. She has to try one more time. Maybe he's just trying to be brave so he won't inconvenience her, "Please let me come support you and back you up like a partner should. I'll be close if you need me but I won't interfere."
"Beckett, you are my partner but you're also like a drug and I'm an addict. I've spent the last three years following you around, writing novels inspired by you, and using the 12th as a playground to hang around you. It scares me, but I think I need to figure out who I am without using you as a very delightful distraction. I don't want to let you out of my sight but I need to do it to move forward." He pleads with his eyes because he'll relent if she keeps asking. He wants a lasting relationship instead of a fiery tryst that burns out.
Her eyes are suspiciously bright threatening to expose her wounded heart, "Rick, I don't know how to give you space yet be your partner."
"Yes you do. You've already done it. I can't tell you how much the letters mean to me. I thought we could keep reaching out with written words and email each other. It's kind of like an old fashioned romance where you get to know another person's thoughts because you're not distracted by going places and doing things with each other."
It's a lifeline and she grabs it. "Yes! We can do that. And if we're not hiding behind the books or letting things go unsaid, then you need to keep hearing that I love you."
"I know." He smirks as he says it. He uses the Star Wars quote to lighten things up.
She narrows her eyes and decides to take a little revenge. "Just for that I'm going to spend every night you're gone at the loft with Martha drinking your wine and listening to stories about little Ricky Rogers."
He's chagrined, "That will teach me not to hide behind humor. I was deflecting because I won't make any grand statements or promises about 'always' until I'm happy with who I am. I know you understand when I say I need to get my head on straight before I move forward. Then we'll see about pursing a real relationship. Right now I'm a cracked egg and that's not the fairy tale I want my life to be about." It's a feeble grin, but he feels strongly this is the right thing to do.
She wants to debate his words but it's time to accept what he thinks is best. Alexis due back any minute. Kate takes the last few moments to make sure they part feeling hopeful about the future. "Rick, I'd like to call Alexis while she's in Maryland with you. I want to check how she's doing and assure her of my feelings for you. Of course I'll ask her how you're doing. Is that okay?"
His heart is ready to burst with feelings. Kate Beckett is reaching out to his family, showing him that she's going to be a part of it. He barely manages to string together enough words to reply, "Yes! That would be... really great." After a second he adds, "Kate, someday we'll look back on this and know everything worked out like it was supposed to. I still believe in the magic of the universe."
She readjusts her vision of her partner. He's here for wrist damage, a bleeding ulcer and he's leaving to go for intense counseling. What she sees is her knight that caged a dragon, a man who stood by her father, and the partner that saved her life - again. She opts for a gentle kiss even though she wants to leave him with more. Beckett stands up straight, tucks the quilt in around him, and says in a quiet voice rough with emotion, "You've made a believer out of me. I'm going to fight for 'always' and our happily ever after." She reluctantly eases away and picks up the scrapbook Alexis made for her.
At the door she pauses, sends him a scorching look, and warns him, "Rest up writer man. I owe you some ego stroking."
Author's Note: This chapter was the catalyst for the entire story. Castle had trauma in his childhood (Hollander's Woods) and it kept piling up with all those murder scenes and near death experiences. Then having Roy and Kate get shot would undo even the strongest of people - yet few stories touch on Castle's mental wounds - only Beckett's PTSD. This was my humble effort to contribute to that niche.
Thanks for coming along on this journey. Thanks to all the ordinary people out there who come together to make our world a better place. Thanks to the Castle fans still being a bright spot.