Ianto helps Estelle off with her stole. Jack tries to help Lewis with his coat. "Get your fingers out of my armpits!"
He peels off his hat and hands it to Jack. He's bald. Jack looks at Lewis curiously. Something's not right. He looks in the hat. A gray toupee is inside the hat. Lewis has removed his hat and his hair.
Jack takes the toupee out of the hat and attempts to place it back on Lewis's head. He stands behind Lewis waiting for his opportunity.
Scout calls out "Where do you want the presents, Tad?"
"In the living room. Thanks" Ianto replies, then says to Aunt Estelle "Aunt Estelle, you shouldn't have done that."
"Oh dear. Did I break wind?" the old lady gasps with horror.
"Jee-zuz!" uncle Lewis growls "Did the room clear out, Estelle? Hell, no! He means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents."
Jack tries to drop the toupee on Lewis's head. He moves forward. Ianto sees him. He explains what happened in gesture. Ianto watches with wide eyes.
"Well, heavens, it isn't every day that somebody moves into a new house." Aunt Estelle argues.
"They didn't move to a new house!" he roars back.
"You'll have to speak up, dear."
Uncle Lewis throws his arms in the air and heads for the living room. Jack flips the toupee, Frisbee-style at Lewis. The toupee lands on his head. He looks up. He pats his head and straightens his toupee.
Jack take's Estelle's coat from Ianto and hangs Lewis's and her coats in the closet.
"Tad?"
"Scout, just put the presents in the living room" Ianto is already done with the day.
"But, Tad... "
"Not tomorrow, Scout. Now!" Ianto demands, losing his temper fast.
"This house is much bigger than your old one. .." Estelle says with wide eyes full of wonder like this house she comes to every Christmas suddenly changed. It's not a fucking TARDIS ya know!
Ianto manages to croon to Aunt Estelle "Why don't you go with Toshiko into the living room and say hello to everybody?"
"Oh, sure."
Toshiko and Jenny help her into the living room.
"Dad?"
"What?!"
"This box is meowing."
Jack takes the box from Scout. He shakes it. From inside we hear a muted cat's meow "She wrapped up her damn cat!"
"Take it in the kitchen and open it up." Ianto waves a hand without really caring anymore.
Jack frowns "Then we'll have a cat running around"
"You can't leave it in a box."
Scout asks with confusion "Why would somebody wrap a cat in a box?"
"She gets confused, Scout. She's old. She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money. She takes things from around the house and wraps them up as gifts." Ianto explains gently, his hands on his son's shoulders to pat gently.
"Oh, great. I wonder what I got." Scout snorts "I can't wait to see"
Owen walks back in with a box. "This one's leaking." Owen licks his finger. "Mmm. It's cherry-flavored."
Ianto samples it. "It's her Jell-0 mould. I'll take it. Everybody just go into the living room."
The foyer clears, leaving Ianto and Jack with their packages. Ianto's is leaking. Jack's is howling.
.
.
.
Aunt Estelle is sitting with a fat Persian cat in her lap. Lewis, Jack and Owen are standing at the tree. Alice's sitting next to her.
Aunt Estelle gushes happily "I have a cat just like this at home."
Alice forces a polite smile.
"Jack, that's the ugliest goddamn Christmas tree I've ever did see. What the hell did you do to it?" Uncle Lewis points a craggy finger He reaches out and touches it. "I'm glad I'm not sleeping here tonight."
"You and me both." Jack mutters while forcing the smile to remain in place.
"This son of a bitch can't wait to catch fire and kill a household. "
Owen sniffs "Hmm! Boy! Do you smell that?"
Aunt Estelle whines "Oh, dear! I'm so sorry ... "
"The turkey, Estelle!" Uncle Lewis roars, then chokes "He's smelling the turkey!"
.
.
.
It's a magnificent twenty-pound turkey. Perfectly prepared, perfectly presented. Jack looks up from the turkey with delight. "Toshiko, if your turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a big treat."
Toshiko smiles sheepishly.
Owen yells "Save the neck for me, Jack."
Jack throws Owen a tired glance. He puts his smile back on and prepares to carve the turkey.
Jack puts the gleaming knife to the turkey. He punctures the hind end. A great gush of gas escapes. Everyone leans back from the table as the turkey splutters and coughs. The slit in the turkey skin flutters as the gas escapes. Jack is leaning back. The gas runs out and the spluttering stops. Jack leans forward and looks at the turkey. The legs slowly begin to rise up on their own. He leans back again. His look is curious and mildly frightened.
Everyone leans back again
The legs are standing straight up. The wings pull away from the body and extend themselves. The incision Jack made begins to expand. It tears slowly from the crotch to the neck with the sound of ripping canvas
Jack is leaned back as far as he can go. His eyes are wide with alarm. The skin separates like two hard, brown flower petals opening in time-lapse, exposing the breast meat. A beat and it falls from the bones in dry, dusty threads.
Jack fishes through the debris and comes up with a can of prepared poultry stuffing. "Owie? Did you make the dressing?"
Owen smiles." I sorta bought it the other night. I confess, Jack, it's store made. Found it in the R.V. last All you gotta do is pop off it and serve it up."
Jack glances down at Ianto, seated at the other end of the table. Ianto offers a stern, silent warning for him to keep quiet.
.
.
Estelle's cat approaches the Christmas tree and sniffs the needles.
.
.
Jack has served everyone their turkey threads. He makes an announcement. "Since this is Estelle's 80th Christmas ... (Everyone breaks into applause - - including Aunt Estelle.) I think she should lead us in the saying of grace. Estelle?"
"What, dear?"
"Grace." Jack repeats.
"Grace?" She says the after a pause "She passed on, oh, years ago?"
"goodness, Aw, for the love of God and country. She won't wear a hearing aid because she says it makes her look old." Uncle Lewis sighs and roars to Estelle "They want you to say the grace!"
Aunt Estelle shakes her head, "no." She doesn't get it.
Uccle Lewis says exaggeratedly "The blessing!"
Estelle catches on. She bows her head. The others follow suit. She clears her throat. Several times. "I pledge allegiance to the flag ..."
Jack He looks up. Owen looks at Jack. Uncle Lewis exhales loudly out his nose and strokes his forehead in defeat. She continues. "of the United States of America ... "
Everyone joins in. They all slowly rise off their seats and put their hands over their hearts. "And to the Republic for which it stands ..."