Chapter 23

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking or sitting, just enjoying the other's company. Clarke noticed that Lexa had brought art supplies into her room, set up neatly in the corner, close to the balcony. The same servants brought up all of the supplies that they had brought with them and Clarke noted that the few clothes she had brought were brought to Lexa's room; Raven staying in 'Clarke's' room really was just a formality. She also realized that the clothes she had left in the tower were also in Lexa's room. She quirked her eyebrows at Lexa, who smiled sheepishly. "I had hoped you wouldn't mind staying with me, so I took the liberty of moving your stuff in here. You can always go back to your old room or we can set up another room for you or Raven, if that is your wish," was Lexa's response.

Clarke just smiled, feeling touched, "I think I'll just stay here for now."

Lexa quirked an eyebrow at her. She hoped that 'for now' was actually forever.

Then, Clarke's face grew a little dark, remembering some of the things she would need to do when in Polis, her mind going to the man who still haunted her nightmares and was somewhere below where she stood.

Lexa noticed the shift and stood up, going over to Clarke. "What is it, Clarke?" her voice full of concern.

"I need to see Pike," was Clarke's simple reply, refusing to even look up at Lexa for several moments as she tried to control her feelings about the impending encounter.

"You do and you will, but not today," Lexa said calmly, hoping her calmness might transfer to Clarke.

Clarke sighed before looking up at Lexa, "I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it until I do. Knowing he's here…I need to see him before I do anything else."

There was that flash of pride she had seen in Lexa's eyes when they had entered Polis. Clarke tried to tell herself she was reading Lexa wrong, but she knew she wasn't. Lexa's face had concern, her brows knitting together at what Clarke had said, before sighing and that flash of pride again. Clarke felt like she had spent the last several months confused, but it had been majorly amplified today.

"Alright, but I go with you. We have some time before dinner and I understand not feeling like you can truly rest until you see him. We won't be discussing his punishment today, though. You may see him and speak with him, if you wish," she said solemnly.

Clarke took a calming breath before nodding, grabbing Lexa's hand for comfort, giving her a tentative smile. Lexa gave orders to her guards and Clarke realized that she needed her guards with her, as well. Not because she needed the protection, not even for support, but she knew they would be upset if she went to face Pike alone or even with just Lexa.

"We need to get my friends. They won't let me hear the end of it if I go down there without them," she said softly to Lexa as they entered the hallway. Lexa nodded, instructing one of her guards to inform the others.

They joined them in the hallway almost instantly, concern and confusion written on their faces. Except Bellamy; he just frowned deeply. He wasn't looking forward to seeing Pike again. He and Clarke had gotten closer again, but he still struggled with guilt no matter how many times Clarke told him it wasn't his fault. He also understood why she needed to do it, though he had hoped she would wait longer. But Clarke had always been a person of action, so it shouldn't have surprised him.

"Clarke, are you sure you want to see Pike now?" Octavia asked her, before she turned to Lexa, "Does she have to do it today? Couldn't she wait until at least tomorrow?"

"I would allow her to wait a year if she wished to, but she wants to see him today," Lexa responded, her Heda mask falling into place.

Octavia didn't like it. She was worried what seeing him again would do to Clarke.

"Clarke, why don't you just wait until tomorrow? Have the night to sleep on it," Raven said, crossing her arms across her chest, frowning.

"I need to do this, Raven. If I wait, it'll just make it that much harder," Clarke said with resignation in her voice. She'd already made the decision.

"Has anyone even spoke to him since he's been here? What if he tries something?" Octavia asked, still hoping Clarke might change her mind.

"Kane saw and spoke to him a few times, though he didn't tell me his impressions of him," Lexa said, before slowly adding, "I also saw him once when I was back here."

"And? Was he still as delusional as when we turned him over?" Raven asked.

"I do not know. He did not speak," Lexa said carefully.

Clarke gave Lexa a questioning look. She wasn't sure if she hoped that Lexa had given him a bit of justice in the cell or if she hoped that she hadn't touched him.

"Well, what were your impressions of him? What was he like when you left?" Octavia asked.

"He was alive when I left. I did not even enter the cell; he would likely not have remained alive if I had. He sat in the corner and I updated him on Skaikru and their place in the coalition," she sighed, then continued, "I also told him that Clarke had survived, so I would not have to fulfill the promise I made him when he was first brought into the throne room. He simply looked down when I said that. I informed him that he would be judged for him crimes against Trikru, the coalition, and Clarke. He just nodded."

"What promise did you make him in the throne room?" Clarke asked, noting that Lexa wouldn't meet her eyes.

"One that I realized I could not keep regardless of the outcome," Lexa still refused to look at Clarke for a moment, before sighing, letting her Heda mask slip just slightly, "I told him that he would have his war if I found you had died when I reached Arkadia."

Clarke sucked in a breath, "I'm glad I didn't die then."

She looked at her friends and wondered how they would react to what Lexa had said, but they seemed neither shocked nor concerned. Bellamy even nodded in agreement.

"Well," Clarke finally said, "Let's get this over with."

The others followed, Octavia and Lincoln taking up a guard stance, while Clarke followed Lexa. They made it down to the cells and Clarke had too much time to think, for her nerves to get ahold of her. She stopped walking, trying to calm her rapid heartbeat. The others didn't question, though Lexa gave her a look that told her that it wasn't too late to change her mind. Clarke shook her head, partly to clear her thoughts. Then, she squared her shoulders and lifted her chin, her determination taking hold once more.

The cells were fairly dark and a bit chilly. She saw him there sitting in the corner. He looked so small. He didn't look up as they stood in front of the bars to his cell. One of the guards ordered him to stand for the Commander, but Lexa put her hand up to tell the guard that that wasn't necessary.

"Charles Pike," she said in a hard tone, "Wanheda wishes to see you."

That got his attention. He raised his eyebrows as he finally looked at them. His eyes met Clarke's. She still carried a crisscross pattern of scarring across her face; some would likely fade until they were completely gone, while others would always be visible. Pike's face fell at the sight of her, the sight of his greatest guilt, and he looked down again.

Images of the dropship threatened to take Clarke over. She couldn't speak. She felt frozen. Seeing him brought it all back and she couldn't remember how to breathe, her stomach lurching. A gentle touch to her hand, hidden from the sight of anyone else behind them, brought her back to the present, her eyes springing from the man in the cell to the green eyes of the woman she loved. It brought her back to herself, grounding her.

Taking note from Lexa, she put on that mask of confidence, as she turned her eyes back to Pike. She still didn't want to speak, but knew she had to.

"Have they been treating you well?" she didn't mean for there to be a hint of venom in her voice, but couldn't seem to stop it from coming out. She thought he wasn't going to answer, as he continued to look down. She was just about to turn to leave, deciding that trying to talk to someone who wouldn't speak wasn't worth it, when he finally responded.

"Better than I deserve," was the quiet, but clear response.

Clarke nodded, knowing he couldn't see her. She waited a few more minutes, to both compose herself and allow him to continue, before she spoke again.

"Arkadia and our people are thriving. They have begun trading with the grounders. There is peace," she said, trying to school the emotion in her voice.

Pike sighed, but still didn't speak. Clarke looked down, taking in a deep breath. She looked at Lexa and gave her a half-hearted smile. It was time to go; there was nothing more she wanted to say to him right now.

They turned to start to leave, but Bellamy didn't move, glaring at the man he had once trusted so completely.

"Pike!" he said, causing Pike to finally look at him, "Did you really think…did you really think I would see what you had done and be okay with it?" Bellamy didn't try to hide the pain and anger in his voice. He still grappled with knowing that Pike had believed he would be okay with what had happened.

"I did. I thought I did. Maybe a part of me knew you wouldn't be…," Pike responded taking several moments, before continuing, speaking so quietly that everyone had to strain their ears to hear, "I'm glad I was wrong and you got her out of there in time."

Clarke didn't want to hear anymore; she had reached her limit. She didn't want his remorse, she wanted him to be the villain he had been in the dropship. She wasn't capable of forgiveness and doubted she ever would be. She hadn't turned back around when Bellamy had started talking to Pike and she still didn't turn as she started walking away quickly, Lexa and the others matching stride with her.

Bellamy glared at Pike one more time, "It's nothing short of a miracle she's alive. She's not okay. I don't know if she'll ever be okay again. I don't understand how you could let that happen to her. How you could endorse it. It's sick. You're sick. No war could ever justify doing that," Bellamy didn't watch as Pike hung his head again; he left without a backwards glance to catch up with the others. He hadn't intended to speak with Pike. He never wanted to see or speak to him again, but he couldn't stand listening to Clarke actually ask how he was, when he deserved to be hanging by his wrists in that cell, to be tortured day in and day out as she had been. Even then, it wouldn't be enough; Clarke was innocent of the crimes she had been accused of, while Pike was guilty.

Clarke didn't speak the rest of the way back up the tower. She was closing in on herself, shutting all her emotions off so that she could make it all the way up without breaking down. The last thing she needed was for random tower workers, guards, or visitors to see the already weakened Wanheda sobbing on the floor. She had to remain calm and stoic no matter how her skin had begun crawling or how her stomach threatened expel what little she had eaten for lunch.

When they were alone on the lift, she began shaking, still trying to hold it together, but the cracks were starting to show. When they exited the lift, she walked out slowly, her legs threatening to give out. Lexa glanced at Octavia and Raven, whispering that she was taking Clarke to her room and to give Clarke some time. They nodded, glancing worriedly at Clarke.

Clarke heard nothing, a ringing in her ears deafening her to all the sounds around her. She had one goal: get behind some door, any door, where there was no one on the others side. She absently felt Lexa put her hand on the small of her back, gently guiding her to Lexa's room. Lexa shut the door behind her and looked at Clarke, who hadn't moved since she removed her hand from her back. She looked at Clarke's eyes and noticed they were glazed and dark; she'd nearly managed to shut herself down completely. Lexa gently grabbed her arm, guiding her to the sofa, telling her softly to sit.

Clarke stared straight ahead. She didn't want Lexa to see her so weak, either. She knew she needed to see Pike again, but she hadn't been prepared for how much it would hurt. She knew it would hurt, but knowing about something in theory and experiencing it was very different. She felt their hands on her skin, heard Pike's incessant questions, felt the shock of the whip, the sting of the knife. She felt the disgust of feeling their hands moving on her, touching her, hurting her. The look of resignation in her former teacher's eyes as he watched them hurt her, knowing all the ways they hurt her when he was gone, knowing he would do nothing to stop it. She was lost in her memory.

Then, her emotions hit her like a brick, causing her to suck in air sharply, her stomach lurching again at the onslaught. She looked at Lexa finally.

"Lexa," she rushed out, "I'm going to be sick."

Lexa brought a bucket to her just as she started emptying her stomach, holding her hair back and gently rubbing her back. Clarke fought with her embarrassment. She didn't want Lexa to see her like this.

Once her stomach was empty, her retching turned into sobs. Lexa moved the bucket away, grabbing a cloth to gently wipe Clarke's mouth, letting her get it all out. She wanted to wrap her in her arms, but also knew that Clarke likely didn't want to be held right now; she wasn't all the way back to herself yet. So, she sat next to her, still gently rubbing circles on her back.

Clarke tried desperately to get back control of herself, trying to force her emotions back in check, but she couldn't seem to stop crying. She looked at Lexa finally, half expecting to see shame or disappointment in Lexa's eyes. Instead, she just saw understanding.

"I thought I could do it," she choked out between sobs, "I thought I was strong enough."

"You are the strongest person I know, Clarke," was Lexa's gentle response.

"I don't feel very strong," Clarke whispered, slowly gaining control of her tears. She didn't mean to, she didn't want to force the Commander to comfort her, but she leaned into her side, wrapping her arm across Lexa's middle. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke, holding her close like she had wanted to from the moment they entered the room, before it even. She let Clarke cry, holding her shaking form. She didn't speak; words wouldn't help sooth her in this moment, so Lexa just held her tightly.

The force Lexa was using was grounding, comforting. It helped pull Clarke back to herself as she slowly let her emotions return to normal after the extremes she had experienced. As she calmed down, embarrassment took their place. She had asked to see Pike, against both Lexa's and her friends' advice. Then, she had worked herself up so much that she had actually gotten sick…in front of Lexa. And why? Pike hadn't baited her. He hadn't yelled that she was the enemy or they were at war. He'd barely said anything and what he had said had sounded remorseful. Isn't that what she should have been hoping for? So, why this extreme response? She hadn't had this extreme of an emotional reaction since she'd attempted to go for a walk in the middle of the night in Arkadia and that had been more than two months ago. She thought she was healing, or at least healed enough to deal with this.

She pulled away from Lexa, looking down, "I need to clean the bucket out."

"No, you don't. I'll have someone get it," Lexa said, letting her go, but reaching for her hand. Clarke let her grab it and hold it, but still didn't look up.

"I'm sorry, Lexa," Clarke whispered.

Lexa reached for her chin, gently lifting her face, "Why are you apologizing, Clarke?" she a asked when Clarke finally met her eyes.

"I insisted that we go down there. I don't even know why I got so upset; it's not like anything happened, but I got so upset I vomited. I'm so sorry," Clarke rambled out, averting her eyes again.

"Clarke, something did happen, though. It happened because of Pike, with his blessing. Of course seeing him would make you upset, but you have nothing to be sorry about," Lexa said earnestly. Lexa shook her head as her face showed both concern and confusion, "Why can't you see how strong you are? Most would never have had the strength to even be in the same room as him after what he did. Yet, you not only did that, you spoke to him, confronted him with the knowledge that your people were thriving despite what he believed about us. You amaze me, Clarke."

Clarke didn't agree with Lexa, but she believed that Lexa believed what she said. She leaned back into her and let Lexa envelop her in her arms again. They stayed like that for a long time, Lexa gently caressing her, an occasional kiss on the top of her forehead. Before long, the exhaustion from all the events of the day, both good and bad, caught up to Clarke and she let sleep overcome her.