Every time I opened my eyes in the morning light and turned off my alarm, I was surprised that I had lived through another night. After the surprise wore off, my heart would race with anxiety and I struggled to breathe until I could confirm that Charlie was also still alive.
I could tell he was worried, every time I jumped at a sudden loud noise, or my face would suddenly drain of colour. From the questions he asked now and again, he seemed to blame the change on Jacob's continued absence.
The terror that was now foremost in my thoughts was usually enough to distract me from the fact that another week had passed and Jacob still hadn't called me. When Jessica and Angela asked me at school how things were going, though, I couldn't hide how upset and disappointed I was. They offered to host a girl's night, but I made an excuse. I couldn't live with myself if Laurent or Victoria came for me while I was with them and killed them, too. The only time I could really relax at all was at school, so I did my best to put on a brave face for them and assuage any worry they had for me.
I missed Jacob horribly.
It was bad enough to be alone before I was scared silly. Now more than ever, I pined for his carefree laugh and infectious grin. I needed the safety and normalcy of his homemade garage, his warm hand curled around my cold fingers.
I was angry with myself when I'd half expected him to call on Monday and I was let down once again. If there'd been any progress with Embry, wouldn't he want to tell me? I fervently wished that it was Embry who was occupying all of his time, and not that he was already giving up on me, or tired of me.
I called again Tuesday, but no one answered. I bitterly wondered if Billy had invested in caller I.D. and was now actively avoiding me.
I found myself picking up the phone on Wednesday, desperate to hear Jacob's warm voice, but I forced myself to put it down. If he wanted to talk to me he would. If he wanted to see me he could drive up and do so. I clearly was not wanted, or needed.
Thursday I wavered in my steely determination. I sat in my truck in front of the house for a solid hour, keys in hand, debating on whether or not to just drive down myself and give him a piece of my mind. How could he say everything he had that night after the movie and then pull this crap? It was bordering on cruel.
I knew that by now Laurent must have made it back to Victoria. If I went to La Push, I risked leading them there if they decided to come after me. What if they caught up to me when Jacob was nearby? As much as it pained me, I knew this new distance was probably better for Jacob. Avoiding me was the safest choice for him, even if he didn't know it.
Besides, I had enough to worry about trying to figure out a way to keep Charlie safe.
Nighttime was the most likely time they would come for me, but what could I even say to get Charlie out of the house? Would I even have time to warn him? Should I? Or would that draw unnecessary attention to him?
Maybe she would just leave when she was done with me, having gotten her revenge. The memory of being broken and bloodied on the floor of the dance studio in Phoenix flashed through my mind, and I shuddered. I didn't think I could live through something like that again. It was a close enough call the first time, and I had no one close by to race to my rescue.
So here I was. I couldn't run away, but staying was a death sentence. Even if I could, where would I go? To Renee? I shuddered at the thought of drawing my lethal shadows into my mother's safe, sunny world. No, I would never endanger her that way. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to her.
The stress was eating a hole in my stomach. As much as I tried, I couldn't see a way out.
That night, Charlie took pity on me and called Harry again to see if the Blacks were out of town. Harry reported that Billy had attended the council meeting Wednesday night, and never mentioned anything about leaving.
Charlie warned me not to make a nuisance of myself- Jacob would call me when he got around to it.
Friday afternoon as I drove home from school, I had an epiphany.
I'd been zoning out, not paying any particular attention to the familiar road when my subconscious delivered the solution to me it must have been working on all this time.
As soon as I thought of it, hot, blind rage flooded my chest. I felt stupid for not seeing it sooner. Sure, I'd had a lot on my mind like a narrow escape from death, revenge-obsessed vampires, and giant mutant wolves, but it was embarrassingly obvious. I should have realized it days ago.
Jacob was avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange and upset, Billy's vague, unhelpful answers, demanding I not come down to the rez... it all made sense now.
I knew exactly what was going on with Jacob. And I was livid.
It was Sam fucking Uley.
Even my nightmares had been trying to tell me that. Sam had finally gotten to Jacob. Whatever was happening to the other boys on the reservation had reached out and snatched my friend from me. He'd been trapped into Sam's cult.
Maybe he hadn't given up on me after all, I realized with a rush of feeling.
I let my truck idle in front of my house. What should I do? I weighed the dangers against each other.
If I went looking for Jacob, I risked the chance of Victoria or Laurent finding me with him, and killing us both.
If I didn't go after him, Sam would only pull him deeper and deeper into his frightening gang. Maybe it would be too late if I didn't act soon.
It had been a week and no vampires had come for me yet. A week was more than enough time for them to have returned to finish me off, so I must not be a priority. They would most likely come for me at night, so as long as I went during the day it should be fine. The chances of them following me to La Push were much lower than the chance of losing Jacob to Sam.
It was worth the danger of driving down the secluded forest road. This was no idle visit to hang out, this was a goddamn rescue mission. I was going to talk to Jacob- kidnap him if I had to. I'd once seen a PBS show on deprogramming the brainwashed, so there had to be some sort of cure.
I decided I'd better call Charlie first. Maybe whatever was going on down in La Push was something the police should know about. I dashed inside, in a hurry to be on my way.
Charlie answered the phone at the station himself.
"Chief Swan."
"Hey dad, it's Bella."
"What's wrong?"
I smirked. I could hardly argue with his doomsday assumption, I was a little accident prone truth be told.
"I'm fine, but... I'm worried about Jacob," I said, my voice trembling a little.
"Why?" he asked, sounding surprised that I wasn't calling from the hospital ER or an urgent care somewhere.
"I think there's something weird going down at the rez... Jacob told me about a group of boys his age that are all in some kind of gang, and now he's avoiding me and I'm really scared for him."
"What? What kind of gang?" He used his professional, police business voice. That was good, he was taking me seriously.
"Well, he was scared of them before, but now he's avoiding me and I think he's joined them. Sam Uley's gang."
"Sam Uley?" Charlie repeated, sounding very surprised.
"Yeah."
Charlie's voice was more relaxed now. "I think you've got it wrong, Bells. Sam Uley is a great kid, well… man, now. A good son. You should hear Billy talk about him. He's really doing wonders with the youth on the reservation. I mean, he is the one who…" Charlie broke off mid-sentence and I guessed he had been about to make a reference to the night I'd gotten lost in the woods. I moved on quickly.
"I get that, dad, but it's not really like that. Jacob was really scared of him."
"Have you talked to Billy about this?" He was trying to soothe me now. I realized I'd lost him as soon as I mentioned Sam Uley.
"Billy's not concerned!"
"Well then, Bella, I'm sure it's fine. Billy knows everyone on that reservation better than I ever could, so I trust his judgement. Jacob's just a kid, he was probably reading into it wrong. I'm sure he's fine. He can't really spend every waking minute with you, after all," his voice was tinged with censure.
"This isn't about me," I insisted, but I could see that I'd already lost.
"Bella, I don't think you need to worry about this. I'm serious. Let Billy take care of Jacob."
"Charlie…" my voice started to sound whiney.
"Bella. I've got a lot on my plate here, kiddo. Two tourists have gone missing off a trail outside crescent lake." There was an anxious edge to his voice. "This wolf problem is getting out of hand."
I was momentarily distracted- stunned, really, by his news. There was no way the wolves could have survived a match-up with Laurent. But that would mean…
"Are you sure that's what happened to them?"
"Afraid so, honey. There was…" he hesitated. "There were tracks again, and some blood this time."
"Oh!" It must not have come to a confrontation, then. Laurent must have escaped, but why? What I'd seen in the meadow just got stranger and more incomprehensible by the day.
"Look, I really gotta go sweetie. Don't worry about Jake, okay? I'm sure it's nothing."
"Fine," I sighed, frustrated as his words reminded me of the more urgent crisis at hand. "Bye, dad."
"Bye, Bells."
I hung up, drumming my fingers on the countertop, staring at the phone for a long minute.
Ah, what the hell , I decided.
Billy answered after two rings.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Billy!" I tried to sound friendly. "Can I talk to Jacob, please?"
"He's not here, Bella, I'm sorry."
Quel surprise. "Do you know where he's at?"
"I think he's out with his friends," Billy's voice was careful.
"Oh! Like, Embry? Quil?" I could tell my words weren't quite as casual as I wanted them to be.
Billy seemed happier to answer this time. "Yeah, he's with Embry."
Boom. Got him. Embry was one of them .
"Could you have him give me a call once he's in? I have something really important to ask him," I asked sweetly.
"Sure, sure. No problem Bella." Click.
Liar , I wanted to hiss into the phone, but I took a deep breath and made up my mind.
I drove down to La Push, determined to wait as long as I needed to. I'd sit in front of his house all damn night if I had to, vampires be damned. I'd miss school, I'd skip homework. That boy was going to have to come home at some point and when he did, I was going to rip him a new one.
My mind was so preoccupied that the trip I'd been so terrified to take seemed to last for only a few moments. Before I knew it, the forest began to thin out and I knew I would see the first houses of the reservation soon.
Walking away along the left side of the road was a tall boy with a baseball cap.
My breath caught for just a moment in my throat, hopeful that luck was with me for once and I'd stumbled across Jacob without hardly even trying. However, this boy was too wide and the hair was short under the hat. Even from behind, I was sure that it was Quil, though he looked much bigger than the last time I'd seen him. What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?
I crossed over to the wrong side of the road to pull up beside him. He looked up when the roar of my truck approached.
His expression frightened me more than it surprised me. His eyes were bleak, brooding, his forehead creased with worry.
"Oh, hey, Bella," he greeted me sadly.
"Hey Quil, are you alright?" I asked, my heart going out to him.
"Fine," he muttered unconvincingly.
"Can I give you a ride anywhere?" I offered.
"Uh, sure, I guess." He shuffled around the front of the truck and opened the passenger door to climb in.
"Where to?"
"My house is on the north side, back behind the store," he told me, his voice hollow.
We only drove for a few seconds before I couldn't keep the question from bursting out.
"Have you seen Jacob today?"
I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting on tenterhooks for his answer. He stared out of the windshield for a second before he spoke. "From a distance," he finally said, and I felt my heart break.
"Oh…"
"I tried to follow them, he was with Embry," his voice was low and bitter. "I know they saw me, but they turned and just disappeared into the trees. I think Sam and his crew might have been with them. I've been looking around in the forest for them for an hour, yelling. I just barely found the road again when you drove up."
"So Sam did get to him," I spat with all the venom I could muster.
Quil stared at me in surprise. "You know about that?"
I scoffed.
"The last time I saw Jake two weeks ago he was terrified of them. Now he's been avoiding me and I'm pissed," I seethed. It felt good to vent to someone for once who was on my side, who really knew how I felt.
I chewed on my lip for a minute, thinking. "Is he as bad as the others now?" I was afraid to hear his answer.
"Never leaves Sam's side," he shook his head, his voice dark. I felt another cut slice through my heart. Was I too late?
"What do you think it is? Drugs or something?" I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes. I couldn't lose Jacob. Not now.
"I mean, I can't really see Jake or Embry getting into anything like that but… what do I know? What else could it be? And why aren't the elders worried?" his voice rose in anger as he ranted, and I felt a matching emotion rise in my chest. "Jacob didn't want to be part of this cult either. I don't understand what could change him all of the sudden." He stared at me, his eyes frightened. "I don't want to be next."
I knew I looked just as scared as he did. That was the second time I'd heard it described as a cult. I shivered. "Are your parents any help?"
He scoffed. "Right. My grandfather's on the council with Jacob's dad. Sam Uley is the best thing that's happened since sliced fucking bread as far as he's concerned."
Damn it.
We both stared out the window in despair for a prolonged moment. We were in La Push now, and my truck was barely crawling along the empty road. I could see the village's only store not too far ahead.
"You can let me out here," Quil sighed. "My house is just there." He gestured to a charming cottage set just behind the store.
"I'm going to wait for Jacob and talk some sense into him," I said, my voice hard as I pulled over and put the truck into park.
"Good luck," he sighed, shaking his head. "Thanks for the ride." He jumped out and closed the door, trudging forward with his head down and a marked slump in his shoulders. I felt my chest ache.
Quil's face haunted me as I headed back towards the Blacks' house. He was so terrified of being next. What the hell was happening here?
I stopped in front of Jacob's house, killing the motor and rolling down the windows. It was stuffy out today, no breeze. I put my feet up on the dashboard and settled in to wait.
I saw the curtains twitch and turned to see Billy looking at me through the front window, his expression full of confusion. I waved once and smiled a tight, uncompromising smile, but stayed where I was.
He frowned, and he let the curtain fall across the glass. So much for being like a second father to me.
I was prepared to stay as long as it took, but I wished I had something to do. I dug up a pen and an old worksheet out of my backpack and started doodling on the back.
I had only just finished a square of diamonds when there was a sharp tap against the door.
I jumped, looking up and expecting Billy.
"What are you doing here, Bella," Jacob growled. I stared at him with my mouth open in shock.
Jacob had changed radically since I'd last seen him. The first thing I noticed was his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short so it stuck up in inky black spikes. The planes of his face seemed to have hardened even more, tightened, and aged. His muscles looked thicker, and his hands where they gripped the window frame looked enormous, the tendons and veins standing out more prominently under the russet skin.
The physical changes held nothing on the change I saw in his eyes. It was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable. The open, friendly smile was gone, like his hair. The warmth in his dark eyes was cooled to a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing. There was darkness in Jacob now, like my sun had imploded.
"Jacob?" I whispered, my voice thick with heartbreak.
He just stared at me, eyes tense and angry.
I realized suddenly that we weren't alone. Behind him stood four others, all tall and russet-skinned with black hair cropped short just like Jacob's. They could have been brothers, all of them. I could barely pick Embry out of the group he had changed so much. What they all held exactly in common was the same expression of hostility, save one.
The oldest by several years, Sam stood in the very back, his face serene and sure. I had to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat at the sight of him. I wanted to take a swing at him. No, I wanted to do more than that. More than anything, I wanted to be fierce and deadly, someone no one would dare mess with. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly.
I wanted to be a vampire.
The violent desire caught me off guard, and I quickly tried to shove it from my mind. It was the most forbidden of all wishes, even when I only wished it for a malicious reason like this. The thought of my skin being white and icy cold sent a shudder through me.
"What do you want?" Jacob demanded, his expression growing more cold as he watched the play of emotions across my face.
"I wanted to talk to you, since you've decided that I was no longer worthy of your attention for the last two weeks," I bit out scathingly, grabbing the door handle and pushing it open. I felt a petty satisfaction when that made him take a few steps back to avoid being hit. I stepped out, slamming the door shut.
"Go ahead," he hissed through his teeth. His glare was vicious; it cut me to the bone. I never thought Jacob was capable of such an expression, let alone direct it at me. My chest ached with hurt, and I felt my eyes brim with unwelcome tears. I hated that I cried when I was angry.
"Alone!" I growled, my lip curling back over my teeth. At least my voice was strong.
He looked behind him, and I hated with every fiber of my being where his eyes landed. Every one of them was turned for Sam's reaction.
Sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar language, I was guessing it was Quileute. He turned and walked into Jacob's house. The others followed in step, moving fluidly as a unit.
"Okay." Jacob sighed heavily, seeming a little less furious now that the others were gone. His face was a little calmer, but more hopeless. I hated it with every fiber of my being. I felt rage bubbling up in my throat all at once, and I couldn't contain myself.
"What the fuck , Jacob?!" I yelled, shoving at him but it was like I'd shoved a brick wall. A tear leaked down my cheek and I rubbed it away angrily. "Where have you been?"
Jacob was stone-faced. Unmoving. He just stared at me, his eyes dark and cold.
I ran my hands through my hair furiously, turning back and kicking the tire of my truck, feeling like I was losing my mind. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down, wiping away a few stray tears that managed to escape.
I took another deep breath. "Can we walk?"
He didn't respond in any way. His face didn't change at all.
I growled furiously, turning on my heel and stomping towards the trees to the north. My feet squished in the damp grass and mud beside the road, and at first I didn't think he was following, but when I glanced around he was right beside me, his feet having somehow found a less noisy path than mine.
I felt better in the fringe of the trees with the illusion of privacy, away from the others. As we walked, I struggled for the right words, but nothing came. It just got harder and harder to breathe as the knot in my throat grew in size, and my ire along with it. Billy had allowed this. Sam was able to stand there so assured and calm while he stole my best friend away from me.
Jacob suddenly picked up the pace, striding ahead of me easily with his long legs, then swung around to face me so I would have to stop, too.
I watched the overt grace of his movement, unnerved. Jacob used to be almost as klutzy as me, and now I felt awkward next to him.
"Let's get this over with," he said in a hard, husky voice. My chest ached the sharpness of his tone.
I waited. He knew what I needed him to say.
"It's not what you think," his voice was abruptly weary. "It's not what I thought, either… I was way off."
"So? What is it, then?"
He studied my face for a long moment, the muscles in his jaw twitching as he gritted his teeth. The anger never completely left his eyes. "I can't tell you," he finally said.
"Bullshit, Jacob," I said scathingly. "I thought we were friends? What happened to 'always being there for me'?" I threw his words back in his face mockingly. I knew I was being cruel but I couldn't help but lash out in my hurt and anger.
"We were," there was an emphasis on the past tense, and I took an involuntary step back. He may as well have punched me in the gut.
"Oh. So you don't need friends anymore now that you have perfect fucking Sam Uley, is that it?" I barked out a humourless laugh. "Well. Isn't that nice? You've always looked up to him so much," I bit out. I wasn't holding anything back anymore.
"I didn't understand him before," Jacob gritted out.
"And now you've seen the light! Hallelujah," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm and resentment. My hands were trembling I was so angry.
"Look, it wasn't like I thought it was. This isn't Sam's fault. He's been helping me as much as he can," his voice turned brittle and he looked over my head, rage burning in his eyes.
"He's helping you?" I repeated dubiously. "Naturally. Yeah. So that's why you couldn't be bothered to pick up a fucking phone? Let me know you were alright? Talk to me?"
Jacob didn't seem to be listening. He was taking deep, deliberate breaths, trying to calm himself. Like me, he was so mad that his hands were shaking. My anger burned out suddenly, all the wind knocked out of my sails.
"Jacob… please," I whispered, my voice cracking as another tear rolled down my cheek. "Why won't you talk to me? Or tell me what happened? Let me help you."
"Nothing can help now." His words were pained.
"What did he do to you?" I demanded, tears streaming steadily down my face now. I reached out to him, trying to take hold of his hand.
This time he cringed away, holding his hands up defensively. "Don't touch me," he whispered brokenly, and my hand faltered in mid-air. My heart was shattering into pieces.
"Jacob… I don't understand," a sob hitched in my throat. "Why is he doing this to you?"
"Stop blaming Sam," Jacob bit out suddenly, like a reflex. His hands reached up to twist around hair that wasn't there anymore, then fell uselessly down to his sides.
"Then who should I blame?" I retorted, my anger flaring up again. His lips twisted up in a bleak, sardonic smile.
"You don't want to hear that."
"Bull shit I don't!" I snapped, stepping up so I was as in his face as I could be while being a full foot shorter than him. "I want to know, and I want to know now."
"No, you don't," he snapped back, glaring down at me.
"Don't you dare tell me what I want and don't want Jacob Ephraim Black. I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me right now who's fucking fault this is if it's not your precious Sam!"
"You asked for it," he hissed, eyes glinting hard. He leaned down so that his nose was mere inches away from mine. "If you want to blame someone, why don't you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?"
My mouth fell open and my breath came out in a whoosh. I was frozen in shock, unable to formulate a response. He knew? He knew . How could he know? I fervently wished that I had heard him incorrectly, but the fury in his face didn't lie. My mouth felt dry.
"I told you you didn't want to hear it," he said, leaning back with a haughty expression.
"I don't… what are you talking about?" I stuttered unconvincingly.
He sneered at me. "Please, Bella. You know exactly who and what I'm talking about. You're not going to make me say it, are you? I don't like hurting you."
"Well that's funny, because that's all you been doing for weeks," I shot back defensively, and I saw his eyes tighten.
"The Cullens," he enunciated slowly, drawing out the word and scrutinizing my face as he spoke it. "Yeah. I can see it in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name."
I shook my head slowly back and forth in denial, trying to clear it at the same time. My heart was thumping high in my chest, my stomach flipping with anxiety. How did he know this? What did it have to do with Sam's cult? Was it a gang that finally bought into the old legends to the tribe and were vampire-haters? What was the point of forming a group when no vampires lived in Forks anymore? Why would he start believing the stories now when just last year he stood in a gymnasium full of them begrudgingly giving me Billy's warning.
I swallowed thickly. "So now you decide to listen to Billy's superstitious nonsense ?" I said, a feeble attempt at disdain.
"He knows more than I gave him credit for. You should have listened to him last year," he looked at me with undisguised disappointment.
"Besides, they left over half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?"
"Sam isn't doing anything, Bella, and I know they're gone. I've been helping you pick the pieces back up this whole time. But… sometimes things are set into motion and then it's too late," he said bitterly.
"What? Set in motion? What's too late? Jacob, I don't get it," I ran my hands through my hair again in frustration, squeezing my eyes shut. None of this information was making any sense to me. "What are you blaming them for?"
His furious expression was suddenly right in my face again when I opened my eyes. I felt my heart jump and my body heat up against my will, my face flushing a dead giveaway. "For existing," he hissed. He breathed in and frowned, almost looking confused for a split second.
I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward's voice again, when I wasn't even frightened.
Quiet now, Bella. Don't push him , the soft velvet voice cautioned in my ear. Give him a chance to calm down.
I was so sick of that stupid voice.
"You're being ridiculous," I told both of them.
"Fine," Jacob laughed, short and mean, taking another deep breath. "I won't argue with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done."
"What damage?" I cried, throwing my hands up in the air. Nothing he was saying made any sense. He didn't flinch as I shouted the words in his face.
"Let's head back. There's nothing more to say."
I gaped. "There's everything more to say! I haven't understood a word you've said!"
He pushed past me, striding back towards the house.
"I ran into Quil today," I yelled after him.
He froze mid-step, but didn't turn around.
"Yeah, remember Quil? Your friend? He's fucking terrified," I pleaded with him, willing him to listen to me.
Jacob whirled to face me, his expression agonized. "Quil…"
"He's worried sick about you, just like me. He's even more freaked out. He misses you," my voice broke, because I wasn't just talking about Quil anymore.
Jacob stared at me with desperate eyes.
I pushed further, on the warpath now. "He's frightened that he's next. He's miserable."
Jacob stumbled, clutching a tree for support, his face turning a strange shade of green under the red-brown surface. "He won't be next," Jacob muttered desperately to himself. "He can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still be happening. Why? Why ?" he roared, fist slamming against the tree with his words. It wasn't a big tree, fairly slender and only a few feet taller than Jacob, but I was still stunned when the trunk gave way and snapped with a loud crack under his blows.
Jacob stared at the sharp, broken point with shock that quickly morphed into horror.
"I have to go." He whirled around and stalked away so swiftly that I had to jog to keep up with him.
"Back to Sam, huh?" I spat.
"Yeah, that's one way to look at it," he mumbled, face turned away from me.
I chased him back to the truck, tripping a few times. "Jacob, wait !" I called as he turned towards the house.
He spun around to face me and I saw that his hands were trembling again.
"Go home, Bella. I can't be with you anymore."
The pain from such a small comment seared through my chest, and brought me up short. The tears welled up again.
"Are you… breaking up with me?" I choked out. The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think of to phrase what was happening. After all, what Jacob and I had was more than any schoolyard romance. It was stronger.
Or so I had thought.
He barked out a bitter laugh, and for the first time I thought I saw tears brightening his eyes. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'let's stay friends.' I can't even say that."
"Jacob… why? Why won't Sam let you have any other friends? Please, Jake. You promised ," my voice broke pitifully around a sob. "I need you!"
The blank emptiness of my life without Jacob reared in front of me like a dark tsunami wave . Loneliness choked in my throat.
"I'm sorry, Bella," Jacob said, his voice a strange emotionless monotone that didn't seem to belong to him.
I stood there, small sobs hitching in my throat as I stared at him. I was back in the forest all over again, being abandoned. Thrown away like I was nothing.
Maybe this wasn't about Sam after all. Maybe it had nothing to do with the Cullens. Maybe he was just trying to pull himself out of what he thought was a hopeless situation. If that was what was best for him… maybe I shouldn't fight so hard to keep him.
My voice came in a whisper. "I'm sorry that I couldn't… before… I wish I could change how I was feeling right now, Jacob." I was desperate, ripping back the layers and exposing the truth and my own vulnerability in a way I never thought I could before. "Maybe… maybe it could change, if you gave me some more time… we could try to be… just don't quit on me now, Jake, please. I can't take it," I sniffed loudly, the tears flowing freely now.
His face went from anger to agony in a flash. One shaking hand reached out towards me.
"No, no, Bella. Don't- don't think like that, please. Don't blame yourself, please don't think this is your fault. This one is all on me. I swear, it has nothing to do with you."
But the thought had already imprinted itself on my brain and my heart had taken to it as truth. "It's not you, it's me," I whispered bitterly, staggering back a step. "There's a new one."
"I mean it Bella, I'm not…" his voice cut off suddenly and he struggled for a moment like he was trying to fight with something. "I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I'm not what I was before. I'm not good."
Fresh agony tore through my chest. "What?" I stared at him, confused and appalled. "What are you saying? Jacob you… you're so much better than I am. You are good! Who told you you're not? Is it them?" I gestured angrily to that house. "Don't listen to them! It's a stupid lie, Jacob! Don't let them tell you that!" I pleaded.
Jacob's eyes hardened and went flat. "No one had to tell me anything, Bella. I know what I am."
"You're my best friend, Jake. You're my…" I sobbed. "Jake, don't!"
He was backing away from me.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said again, this time in a hoarse mumble. He turned and ran into the house, slamming the door shut.
I was frozen where I stood, staring at the little house that had held so many happy memories for me. It looked too small to hold four large boys and two larger men. There was no reaction inside. No flutter at the edge of the curtain, no sound of voices or movement.
It was empty. Just like I was.
The rain started to drizzle, and I forced my limbs to move woodenly. I climbed into the truck, utterly numb. My mind was blank.
As I drove out of La Push, smelling the brine of the air as the rain whipped in harder from the west, I thought of my last glimpse of the pain in Jacob's eyes before he ran away from me.
Tears streamed down my face the whole drive home.
I pulled up to the house, sitting in the sudden silence after the roar of my truck died down. I stared vacantly out of the window, feeling numb. My chest ached viciously, and I knew if I let myself for even a moment I would break down, but I had to stay calm. At least until I could get to the privacy of my room.
Charlie was waiting on the porch, and I steeled myself.
"Billy called," he said quietly, looking at me with pity. "He said you and Jacob got in a fight and you left pretty upset," he opened the door for me, ushering me inside with a gentle hand on my shoulder. The knot in my throat was almost too big to breathe around.
"More or less," I mumbled, kicking off my boots into the tray in the foyer then standing there, rain dripping off my jacket and pattering gently to the hardwood floor.
He helped me shrug out of the jacket, then pulled me in for a big hug. I gritted my teeth, fighting with every fiber of my being not to cry.
After a moment, he pulled back and led me to the living room, pulling the afghan off the couch and wrapping it around me. I realized I was shivering slightly.
"So what did happen?" Charlie asked gently.
"Sam Uley said Jacob can't be my friend anymore," I said, bitterness seeping into my every word.
Charlie shot me a strange look. "Who on earth told you that?"
"Jacob," I bit out, fighting back another sob rising in my chest. It was basically the truth, regardless of what Jacob said.
Charlie frowned, deeply concerned. "You really think there's something wrong with this Uley kid?"
"I know there is. Jacob won't tell me what, though, and now…" my throat closed and I shut my eyes tight, shaking my head as if to dispel the tears. "I'm gonna go take a shower and change," I said dully, and Charlie nodded, clearly distracted.
I shivered under the hot shower but the water didn't seem to warm me up at all. I finally gave up when the water started to cool, and got ready for bed, moving robotically . It was only 6 pm, but I wasn't much in the mood for hanging out and watching TV tonight.
As I walked to my room, I could hear Charlie talking to someone downstairs on the phone. I wrapped my bathrobe tighter around me and peered down the stairwell.
Charlie's voice was angry. "I'm not buying that. It doesn't make any sense!"
It was quiet then, as whoever was on the other line argued with him.
"Don't you put this on Bella!" Charlie snapped suddenly, then quieted his voice. "She's been doing her best since they left and Jacob should know better than to expect that much from her… Well if that was it why didn't you say so at first? … No, Billy, I think she's right about this… Because I know my daughter, and she knows Jacob! If she says he was scared before…" he was cut-off mid sentence, and when he answered he was almost shouting again.
"What the hell do you mean I don't know my daughter as well as I think I do?" He listened for a second, but he responded again quickly, his voice low and angry. "If you think I'm going to remind her about that then you had better think again. She's finally getting back to normal, and that's mostly because of Jacob… Yeah, well whatever Jacob has going on with this Sam boy you better believe I'm gonna be keeping an eye on it. If any of those boys step a toe out of line we're going to be having a very different conversation. You're my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family. I have to look out for her."
There was another pause while Billy talked, then Charlie sighed. "Fine. Yeah. Goodbye."
I tiptoed down the hall to my bedroom and tried to close the door as quietly as I could.
So Billy was going to act like I'd been leading Jacob on this whole time and it was entirely my fault. Sure, that works.
"Unbelievable," I muttered harshly, combing through my hair while sitting on my bed, staring dejectedly out of the window.
Now not only was I being hunted down by a couple of revenge-hungry vampires, but I'd lost my best friend.
And Edward , my mind reminded me helpfully.
Cool. Great. Super.
I curled up into a ball with my sheets wrapped tightly around myself, and sobbed quietly into my pillow until I fell asleep.
I wasn't sure when I awoke in the dark if my tears had just returned, or if I'd been crying in my sleep again. If I'd been dreaming I couldn't remember it. I stared at my dark ceiling, too tired to get up, but too awake to fall back asleep. I closed my eyes wearily, willing myself to fall unconscious again.
A sharp scraping noise at my window had me bolting upright in a panic. The sound was a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.