Chapter 9 – Tom Riddle
Tom Riddle was not a very patient man, he admitted to himself. And judging from his own memories he had painfully pieced together over the last few years, he wasn't a good one either. He hadn't really kept track of how long it'd been, too busy repairing the mess that his mind still was.
Tom was in disbelief, to say the least. What had he been thinking? How had he functioned with that wrapped mess his occlumency had turned into? How could he have let himself abandon his goals? His life's work? His very beliefs?
Some of the things he'd done had been downright abhorrent! Even without a body of his own, he felt stomach-turning nausea when reliving, rebuilding those memories.
How could he have let himself become a monster?
He hadn't been awake for long, scolding himself until he realized he was inside a living being. Seeing this as a chance to do SOMETHING to stop the madness that had obviously overcome his counterpart, he immediately tried to take over. Without a second thought or ascertaining what kind of being it was first. After all it couldn't possibly be a human. Or so he had thought.
'Apparently...', Tom thought wryly to himself as he painfully nursed his head, 'I was wrong…'
He had caught glimpses of memories or maybe what was going on outside while he had fought to take over. His host was definitely a human.
Tom was really curious how that was possible. Everything he knew about magic dictated that long-term possession was deadly for the host. Yet his current one had lasted years already.
But… how could that possibly be the case?
Tom closed his eyes and grimaced as he re-examined his most recent memories.
His followers groveling by his feet, a latecomer –SNAPE, his mind supplied- a prophecy, panic and fear, a twisted sort of determination, the search, WORMTAIL, glee and satisfaction, his visit to the potters, green light, golden runes, pain…
Tom felt sick.
He was inside the child.
Harry Potter. He was possessing a CHILD.
Dear gods…
What… what was he going to do?
What COULD he do?
He could do many things, yet… all of them could and probably would be harmful to the child, or wouldn't be helpful.
The most he could do, was set up a slight connection, so he could see what the child, what Harry saw, hear what he heard.
Thus, all Tom could do was wait. Wait, regret and hope. Hope for an opportunity to repent, hope for something to come along and free the child of him before the corrupting nature of the horcrux magic did any irreversible damage.
Luckily, he did not have to wait long.
-POV-SWITCH-NO-JUTSU-
Leo was officially lost.
When he came to, he had been sitting next to a lake he did not recognize. How did he get here? Did his r- did Vernon leave him here while he was sleeping?
He was lying on some very comfortable moss, even though there were stones a few feet to the right… Definitely not his relatives then, he thought cynically.
„Hello, Leo. We meet at last", a smooth voice greeted him from his right.
For some reason, he was not surprised by the voice, despite the fact he hadn't know anyone was there just a second ago.
'Leo? That's… me, isn't it…'
Turning slightly to look for the origin of the voice, he owlishly blinked up at the stranger leisurely dangling his legs into the water a few feet away. His thoughts seemed to be sluggish and tangled. Regardless, he was sure he did not recognize this person.
He would remember if he had, since he looked quite unique. He seemed to be in his early 30s and had a very handsome, aristocratic face, framed by well-styled black hair that contrasted starkly with his pale skin. Coupled with his bright red eyes, his appearance alone was very memorable. That coupled with that unique voice that seemed to command attention, ensured that the man would leave an impression.
"Wh-who….?", Leo asked in an unsure voice.
"I apologize if I scared you. My name is Tom Riddle. You can call me Tom."
"Tom… Where is this? How did I get here?"
"We're inside your mind. One could also see this as the representation of your soul. Take your time and remember, Leo."
And remember Leo did. He turned back towards the water and silently tried to untangle his thoughts. The confusion clouding his mind cleared awfully slowly.
"If this is my mind, how come you are here… what? Are you…!?"
Leo whipped around to stare at Tom suspiciously. The other only graced him with a pained grimace in return.
"Yes, it is as you are probably thinking. I am the horcrux that resides behind your scar. I owe you an apology... I only became aware of what was going on AFTER that attack last time. I was in a state of hibernation before then."
The suspicion Leo felt did not ease at all. In fact, he grew even more cautious. Why did the soul piece drag him here? It hadn't hurt him yet… why?
"I wanted to talk to you. Face to face. Before I disappear.", Tom continued without prompt.
Leo's eyes widened as he once again remembered what the ritual would actually do and looked down with guilt. As a result, he never did see the sad smile Tom graced him with.
"I-I'm sorry…"
"No. Don't feel guilty. I can understand why you would find my presence dangerous, especially after that day. I nearly killed you, Leo. No, I would do the exact same thing, were I in your position. While I thank you for your compassion and hesitation in destroying me, it is necessary."
"But you're awake now, right? We coul…", the boy said stubbornly.
"Leo", Tom interrupted with a shake of his head, "Even if it was not too late to stop the ritual, this is not permanent. A horcrux isn't able to be aware for long. Even if it was possible for me to stay awake, the very nature of a horcrux can and will corrupt the host it is bound to. As it is, I inhabit your mindscape while I'm aware, and can experience everything you do. But eventually, your mind will reject me. This would have happened again. I have already come to terms with this outcome."
Tom had gotten up and crouched next to him as he explained, a serene smile on his face. Ignoring the disbelieving stare the small boy graced him with, he gently patted Leo's head.
"Thank you, Leo. You have a very good heart."
"…", Leo really had no idea how to reply to that. Because he knew that the ritual had been as good as done. There really was nothing that could be done now, even if Viper agreed to abort the whole thing.
So, they sat in silence as the about-to-vanish piece of soul comforted the sad child.
An undeterminable time later, when tears had faded and he had composed himself, Leo finally broke the silence.
"You said you wanted to speak to me… Wh-what did you want to talk about?"
"You don't mind listening to me? Despite what I did to you?", Tom asked in genuine surprise. This had been going way better than he had assumed it would.
Leo took a deep breath before explaining his reasoning.
"You haven't hurt me yet even though you had plenty time to while I was trying to remember earlier. Which is why I'm guessing you either can't hurt me in my own mind or don't want to. In either case, I simply agreed to listen to what you have to say, not do anything for you."
"That's true, isn't it. But Leo, while currently, I do not wish to hurt you, you'll soon find that things aren't always as simple as they seem. If I really wanted to, I could still harm you."
Despite those words, Leo was not discouraged.
"You admitting that much only means I made the right decision. You not having attacked already means you still have some use for me or genuinely don't want to hurt me, so currently you aren't going to do anything to me."
"I see…", Tom said, lips twitching in amusement. 'No arguing against that one', he mused.
"Just make sure to be cautious in the future. Some people are so good at masking their ill intentions, they themselves start to believe themselves to be just. Your heart and sense of justice can be a great weapon, but it can also be a great weakness to exploit."
Leo did gulp at those words. Was he being called naïve? He supposed he was. After all, he had not yet learned a lot or seen much of the world. Yet, Leo understood caution. And that's what Tom's words came down to.
He nodded.
Tom studied him for a long while until he seemingly found what he had been looking for and started his explanation.
"There are four things I'd like to talk about. Even if you don't understand right now, please remember them and talk to your granddad about them as soon as you wake up, OK? He'll need to know these things to be able to keep you safe."
Leo frowned. That sounded quite ominous. 'Did I make a mistake after all… what if this is a trick?'
"What if I can't remember it all?", Leo asked instead of voicing his suspicions.
"Don't worry", Tom said, "this is basically a dream. The only difference is that you'll be able to remember it fully after you wake up. Seeing as this is happening in your mind, that means time doesn't truly matter much. It can only affect us if you want it to. We can go over this as many times as you want to."
'Right', Leo thought, 'This is my mind. I can do whatever I want here. Even if he can harm me here, I can still fight back if I need to.'
He nodded, motioning for Tom to start. He would listen to what the soul piece had to say first.
"First, regarding the ritual you just underwent. I can assure some of your worries. It was designed to forcefully strip me of my power and only my power and merge it into your own. After that, this part of my soul will not be able to sustain its independence and will be attracted and swallowed by the closest other piece of my soul. That means my soul can still become complete."
At the stunned look on Leo's face, Tom couldn't help the genuine smile the spread on his face. This was why he loved teaching. The fascination, excitement and shock of his pupils as they learned something new… it was addicting.
"The study of the soul is very complex and difficult, so even Viper didn't know about this. However, as the soul piece in question I have insider information on the process, so to speak.", he winked, "They weren't wrong regarding the side-effects though. Since you will absorb part of my power, my senses and mental capacity as a whole will be slightly affected, but that's all. And that would only matter if I ever became whole again. So seriously, don't take it to heart, you hear?"
"Are you just saying that so I don't keep feeling guilty…?", Leo asked suspiciously.
Tom shook his head in denial.
"If you don't believe me, there are soul magic seminars offered for advanced students in Mahoutokoro. They were included in the information, remember? Just be sure to be very careful. Soul magic is dangerous"
Leo did remember that. He determined to look into it, if only to ascertain Tom's words.
Recognizing the gleam in the small boy's eyes, Tom smiled in satisfaction. Encouraging studies through curiosity was his biggest pride as a teacher! Even though he never did get to become one…
"The second thing is that, since this piece of my soul is so small, it became warped. My power cannot truly be separated from everything else. Even the ritual didn't manage to untangle it all. You will most likely receive some, if not all my memories along with it. Even though this is supposed to happen over a whole year, that kind of influx is very dangerous. Memories shape who we are, Leo. My life was a lot longer than yours. There are a lot of memories and I cannot control which ones will bleed over to you."
Tom swallowed as he once more patted Leo's head. This time more as a way to calm himself than the child. He really rather there were no memories at all.
"I'm not proud of some of the things I did, Leo. Gruesome things nobody should witness, least of all a child. Your grandpa MUST take precautions and seal those memories until your Occlumency is good enough to keep them separate from your own at the very least."
"Occlumency is magic that helps protect and sort your mind.", he explained at Leo's questioning look, "In fact, it would be best if he had a mind healer permanently on staff for the next year. Just in case… They should also be able to check for those memories you believe have been removed. Maybe they can yet be retrieved. Those memories MUST be controlled, Leo. Otherwise, your personality could become affected. You could even lose your mind."
At the reminder of the Others, Leo shivered in dread. He was tempted to ask the soul piece if it knew anything about them, but something in his eyes stopped him before he could make a sound.
"It's not my place to make assumptions, Leo.", Tom said apologetically, "I was not aware at the time, so I cannot say for sure… I'm sorry."
Leo shook his head.
"It's OK. Grandpa promised he'd be there from now on. We can slowly find out. As long as they don't come again and take me away…"
"They won't.", Tom said with conviction, "They will take a long time to find you again, and by then the memories they would have to take away would be too many."
Leo smiled unsurely at the reassurance, not quite convinced but not being able to argue. He had no knowledge of mind magic after all.
Seeing as this was the best he was most likely going to get, Tom chose to skip to his next point.
"My next point will build on the last one.", he said seriously.
"Leo, regardless of how complete and convincing a memory you receive from my soul piece may seem. Do not under any circumstances trust it. Some of the memories will have been warped by time, or by madness, some will contain outright wrong information, many will be outdated. You may use them to guide your studies, to discover new interests, even to just learn more about the lunatic who took your parents from you. But never fully rely on any of those memories. You MUST confirm any knowledge or skills you gain from them. In fact, this is true for any memories of others you may encounter."
He grabbed the boy by his shoulders as he said it. He had to make sure this point sank in.
"Promise me, Leo."
Leo gulped at the dead serious look he received.
"You think I won't always get the whole story", he reasoned out. "Or that you learned some wrong things…"
"Yes, among other things. It's important that you don't just believe what they show you."
"I understand."
"Promise me."
"I promise. I will confirm first before believing any of the memories I get from you."
"Then, I can be relieved.", Tom smiled.
"The last thing I have to tell you is a warning to you and your grandpa both. Your granddad may already suspect this, but the person who pointed me in the direction of your family during the war was Dumbledore. He is an important figure in the British magical enclave and was my main opponent during the war. Even though you magically and legally changed your name, despite all the other precautions I'm sure have been taken…. Do not for a moment believe my main soul piece and Dumbledore will not find you. There will be traces, no matter what you do to remove them and eventually they will catch up, especially if you become active in the magical community. Both of them are lunatics that will stop at nothing to get what they want."
"B-but… why me? I mean I never did anything to either of them…?"
"Leo, I'm sorry I had to scare you like this. I just had to show you how serious this is. No, you never did do anything. I only have an assumption as to why Dumbledore will come for you, so I can't say for sure. I can tell you however, that he made my main soul believe that you were one of the two only people capable of killing him."
"What!? I…"
"I know, Leo", Tom soothed, "you were and still are a child, an innocent. Maybe Dumbledore had something to gain from the Potter family, maybe they did something to make him upset enough to have them killed. There are many possibilities, some more likely than others. But in the end, only the man himself knows. One thing is for certain. He is stubborn. Once he believes something it's close to impossible to change his mind. Be careful and be prepared for when they catch up to you, alright?"
At Leo's nod, he clapped in satisfaction, a light-hearted grin on his face.
"Great! Then let's see how much of that you still remember, shall we?"
Caught off guard by the sudden shift in atmosphere, Leo had to collect his thoughts for a moment before obediently repeating everything he still remembered.
They had to go over everything two more times before he remembered everything to Tom's satisfaction.
"Good, now, do you have any questions?"
And Leo did. He asked and then asked some more.
And before they knew it the conversation had strayed to other topics. Tom didn't seem to mind and neither did Leo. He felt like the Tom Riddle he had met was not a bad person and he wanted to get to know him before he vanished. He still remembered what his grandpa told him.
'People don't truly die until they are forgotten.'
He felt like Tom shouldn't be forgotten. No, this piece of soul, this person who had taken it upon himself to warn him and try to help him even though he would be destroyed by him, he would not forget. Even if the soul piece only did this to gain something or out of guilt, hiring additional tutors and being more careful wasn't anything that could harm him. Once he was awake, he would talk to his grandpa. They would take precautions. Even if what Tom told him today was absolutely wrong, there was no such thing as being too safe or too prepared.
"Say, Tom. You said this is my mindscape, right?"
"Yes"
"Then can I come back here?"
"In theory, of course. It IS your mind, Leo. It will probably take some time though. Returning will be easier than normal since you've already been here, but it will take effort and patience to learn it regardless."
Leo nodded, not having expected anything else.
"Will I learn that in Occlumency?"
"Perhaps. It's an advanced skill, so if you work hard, I'm sure they will teach you if you ask."
"Awesome! So will I always feel so confused when I first come here?
Leo wrinkled his nose at the thought. He had not enjoyed that feeling. He liked being able to think, thank you very much!
Tom's lips twitched at the expression. He briefly considered teasing the child about it, but decided against it.
"No, you'll gradually get used to the transition. It took around a month for the confusion to disappear completely for me."
Finally, before Leo could start barraging him with more questions, Tom let out a long sigh and turned to Leo.
"I hate to say this, but we cannot stay here forever, Leo. Even though this is a dream and time moves differently here, it never stands still. You should return"
Swallowing down his automatic denial, Leo instead nodded.
"Okay", he whispered tonelessly, before gathering his courage and hugging the older man tightly.
"Thank you, Tom. I'm happy you warned me. About the memories and everything. I- I'll miss you."
To his credit, Tom only stayed frozen in shock for about a minute before gently hugging the child back.
"Then, repeat everything for me, one more time", Tom finally said.
Leo did.
Silently they set off back towards the lake. They had at one point moved towards a small grove to enjoy the shade. Leaving it behind left Leo feeling empty.
Leo didn't cry once they arrived at their destination, but only just.
"C-can I ask you one last thing?", he asked instead. This was the last chance he was going to get to ask this. He had wanted to many times, but had never quite found the courage.
"Of course"
"You talk as if you and the rest of your soul aren't the same person…"
"I was wondering when you were going to ask about that…", Tom admitted.
"That's because we aren't. Not really. I was a rash idiot. You see, I was really scared of dying, Leo. Dumbledore had started making a move against me. He is a very powerful wizard, someone I couldn't hope to match at all at the time. So, in my desperation to preserve my life I created a horcrux without properly researching it first. I did not care about the possible side-effects at all. So, I halved my soul, and did it again and again, never realizing how it affected me, how it still affects me. My main soul isn't much different from a beast, Leo. He cannot think clearly, cannot control his emotions, his desires, his instincts. He's not capable of objectivity or anything but the mere illusion of leadership. His goals, my goals, my original dreams, and the whole reason I started what would later evolve into that farce of a war, he's forgotten it all. He… we, are beyond hope at this point, Leo. That beast who is controlled by rage and hate can never feel guilt, he can never reintegrate the other pieces to return to who he was, who we were."
Tom trailed off sadly before turning to Leo with a look of determination.
"Listen to me, Leo. I was never a good person, even before that. I am not a good person, I only talked to you for my own benefit, for my own peace of mind. Don't think too much into it."
"You should learn from our fate, Leo. Don't make the same mistake we did. You must not rush possibly life-altering decisions. Don't let an enemy corner you into making mistakes. Don't panic. Think. Inform yourself. Knowledge is power. Your brain is your greatest weapon. Develop and use it well and nothing is beyond you."
With those words Tom squeezed Leo's shoulders one last time and before he could reply, pushed him over the edge and into the water.
"Farewell, my friend… and thank you."
His friend's, because that what he had become, goodbyes still ringing in his ears, Leo woke up with a start, the worried faces of his tiny grandpa and Viper hovering over him.
Author's Note (important infos!):
So… here we are, after all this time (hehe) there is a sign of life. Even if that life is a bit of an info dump.
I am really grateful to all of you for keeping up with and enjoying my story. I`m thankful for the support I was shown despite my irregular updates and despite the fact I didn't really reply to reviews until now. I like to let the story answer for me. I also never liked when Author's Notes were overly long while I myself was reading story… but, I have realized that it may seem like I'm ignoring you, or not reading the reviews at all, which is why I have decided to reply to them on my profile from now on. So, if you asked me something a year ago, that's where the answer'll be! I will remove them after a while and replace them with any replies to reviews I may or may not get in the meantime.
I am still thinking of and working on the story, however irregular the updates may be and however many times I'll somehow manage to lose my outlines and/or background info folders, or however many times I'll write 10 chapters and then scrap them cause I didn't like where I was going after all…
I hope to see the end of this journey with you eventually and that it stays enjoyable until the very end. I will not leave you guys without the knowledge of where this ship will sail.
That being said, I'll also take this opportunity to remind you that since I post the chapters as I write them… this is in essence a first draft. That means there most likely will be plot holes, there'll be mistakes, there'll be revisions. Since that is the case, if I decide to make changes in any previous chapters, I'll let you know once I post a new chapter. The specific changes, for those not wanting to re-read the whole thing, will be up on my profile. Thus, if you see any mistakes, plot points or something that bugs you don't hesitate to let me know, so I can fix it!
That being said, thank you once more for your support and for keeping me motivated to write. I'm really happy so many of you like my brainchild! [insert hearts here]
Until next time!