In the weeks when Rey had been learning about the Force from Kylo Ren, she hadn't found it particularly frustrating. Difficult, yes, but she'd felt excited to push her skill level forward, bit by bit, by practicing the way he'd suggested.
This was very, very different.
From the beginning, Rey sensed that this Luke Skywalker wasn't particularly happy that he had to teach her. To be fair, he didn't seem thrilled about Finn either, but she sensed that Luke was especially sharp with her, less patient when she failed to grasp a concept he was attempting to teach. For his part, Finn was progressing astoundingly well. He'd just managed to lift a heavy boulder that had stymied him before, and he'd given Rey a proud, glowing grin that made her feel deeply glad that his life's path had led him here. But for her part, she was starting to get the sinking feeling that things were starting to go awry.
The latest failure of her part that had earned her an actual glower from Luke was still fresh on her mind.
They'd been meditating, as was required at dawn every day. Rey had had some issues from the start. The previous night, she'd had a dream that was…unsettling. In it, she'd been lost in the desert of Jakku. She'd spotted a dark shape in the distance and started to follow it, but she never got any closer. It was a new dream that she allowed to progress out of curiosity, but in the end it had left her with a hopeless feeling that she hadn't been able to shake even upon awakening, or even by the time she got dressed and headed out into the thick, predawn air with Finn.
During the meditation, Rey felt restless, her heart still heavy from the emotion of the dream, and her control over her own thoughts slipped. Instead of the neutral environment that Luke had coached her to envision herself in for these meditation sessions, Rey's thoughts seem to twist on their own, evading her attempts to control them. They dodged away and instead, she found herself thinking about Jakku and the dream, and that bone-deep feeling of isolation still lingering. The space she was in seemed to darken. She felt as though she were slipping down, away. And Rey found, for the first time, the well of rage that dwelt beneath.
It seethed beneath the heavy blanket of sadness. Rey had seen glimpses of it before in herself, a core of emotional magma that she had never come face-to-face with before. Like a thundercloud, it sparked and roiled into itself, dangerous and vast. It frightened her to know this was part of her, a monstrosity of emotion that looked as though it more belonged to someone like Kylo Ren than a user of the Light side of the Force.
Her meditation session was cut short when Luke upended a bucket of icy seawater over her head, bringing her abruptly back to herself.
After that, he'd lectured them severely on the dangers of not only allowing darkness into themselves but then losing themselves in it. The entire time, however, his pale eyes were fixed upon Rey, whose face burned with embarrassment. After he released them until their training began after breakfast, Finn had tried to comfort Rey, but she had been short with him, and he eventually left her alone. Rey now sat alone on the cliffs, still in her sodden clothing, staring out across the grey waters and wondering just how dreadful a mistake she'd made by ever agreeing to be trained in the Force.
What did it mean that she was harboring that inside of her? And how could she not have known that about herself?
No matter how she tried, she couldn't come up with an answer. She tossed a pebble, watching it bounce once off the cliff face below before plunging into the frothing sea. A porg poked its head out and screeched its disapproval at her from its nest in the rock face. Rey sighed and rose, taking a moment to let feeling return to her legs before she steeled herself to face Luke and Finn.
They were already in the middle of a training session, Finn practicing swinging a weighted stick, Luke watching with a critical eye. As soon as he turned to acknowledge her approach, his gaze darkened slightly, but he nodded at the line of weighted sticks, and Rey retrieved one, testing its balance experimentally before joining Finn.
It was a hard session, both Finn and Rey giving and receiving their fair share of bruises in their sparring. "Better a bruise than a missing limb," Luke was fond of reminding them, and Rey had to agree. She needed much more practice before she could engage in the type of sparring that she and Kylo Ren had practiced in her dreams.
"No," Luke said to her, after the fourth time Finn got a good hit in. "You're trying to react to him after he starts his attack."
"Am I supposed to react before that?" Rey demanded, rubbing the newest sore spot on her arm.
"You have to use the Force to sense his decision as he makes it," Luke urged. Rey was feeling prickly, but she pushed that back. She wanted to get better at this, and while she didn't particularly get along with Luke, he was a Jedi master. Rey could put up with quite a bit if it meant she'd get closer to becoming proficient in using the Force.
Rey tried to follow Luke's instruction, but again and again she was unable to figure out what he'd meant, until the practice was over and a sense of failure settled over her like a cloak. She trudged over to the washing station to clean the sweat from her skin before she and Finn had lunch. Finn doggedly tried to cheer her up, but Rey was too weary and frustrated for his efforts to be effective. After lunch was hours of balancing exercises, but Rey's concentration was in tatters at that point, and both Luke's advice and admonishments only served to make her more and more frustrated as the day went on. By the time they were released for the evening, Rey was both mentally and physically exhausted.
Fortunately, porgs were easy to catch, and soon Rey had enough for two dinners. Finn had tried catching his own, but it quickly became apparent that he was unable to deliver the killing blow to the squawking creatures. Rey, on the other hand, had plenty of practice when trying to supplement her meager portions with any creature she was able to catch on Jakku, and she utterly lacked the soft-heartedness that afflicted Finn. Therefore, by the time Finn had gotten the stove going and the dinnerware arranged, Rey had already relieved her prey of their hides and had them spitted and ready for roasting. Both she and Finn were quiet during dinner, Finn also looking exhausted in the glow of the lantern, and they both went to sleep without saying much at all.
Rey settled into her dream, but she felt restless. She found herself meandering in the direction of the boundary between hers and Kylo Ren's minds. It loomed, dark and secretive before her. She hesitated, then peered across the border that separated them.
He was not asleep, and Rey sensed great unease in him. She hesitated, then pushed against his defenses and waited. She felt the moment his attention turned inward, briefly focusing on her presence, before returning to whatever he had been attending to. Feeling foolish, Rey turned back to her own mind.
Wait.
She turned to find him standing at the boundary, his form less distinct than usual.
It's not easy to split my attention like this, so I probably won't be as solid as I usually appear. What is it?
Rey suddenly felt embarrassed. What was she doing, requesting Jedi advice from one of the chief Dark Force users in the galaxy?
Ask, Kylo Ren said. I have a few moments.
Rey firmed her resolve.
I'm not doing well at lightsaber fighting, she said. I don't know how to follow Luke's instructions.
Kylo Ren snorted.
Luke might have been an adequate Jedi warrior once, but he never figured out how to be an effective teacher. For someone who preaches self-control ad nauseum, he certainly loses his patience often.
He told me to use the Force to predict what Finn is going to do and react to it in time, but I don't know how.
Kylo Ren nodded and thought for a moment. Rey noted how drawn he looked, circles smudged beneath his eyes, his cheeks hollower than when she last saw him. His black hair hung lank around his face, accentuating the shadows.
Your first mistake is thinking of Finn as anything but an enemy when you're facing him. He is your opponent once you square up against him in battle, even if it's just training. And you are fighting for your life every time you pick up your weapon.
But I don't want to hurt him, Rey protested. Luke had been very clear about the fact that they should never fight all-out against each other. Kylo Ren shrugged.
Your training is preparing you for an actual situation where you'll be in a life-or-death fight. If you're worried about hurting Finn all of the time, you'll never be able to practice as you need to practice and build true skill.
Luke said to reach out to Finn's mind and try to sense what he's going to do, Rey persisted, ignoring this last. What does that mean?
Rey suddenly felt a slight presence through the Force, no more than a mild tingle of awareness pressing against her mind.
That. It's like… He paused, brows furrowed. Like putting your finger on someone's pulse. A tiny tendril of awareness that lets you read just enough of their intent that you can predict what they'll do, but not enough to take your full concentration or strength, which you'll need for the fight. Try it on me.
Rey scowled as she grasped the Force, trying to make it move towards Kylo Ren's awareness.
More delicately. Like a plant sending out a questing shoot, he said.
She pretended that she was a vine, reaching the barest tendril of Force in Kylo Ren's direction. She felt it brush against his mind, sending a muted feeling of bone-deep fatigue through her. Why was he so tired?
Yes, that's much better. He pulled his lightsaber from his belt, spinning it expertly in his gloved hand and activating it in the same motion. Rey removed hers and did the same, maintaining that feather-light contact with his mind as she braced herself for his attack.
Remember, don't put too much of the Force towards it. It takes practice to determine exactly how much you need. He swung, and Rey belatedly brought her saber up to meet it. But she'd felt his intent a fraction of a second before he'd started moving the saber. The next time he attacked, she was able to get her own saber directly into a blocking position, and he nodded approvingly at her as he twirled the red saber and readied it for another attack.
Rey had just begun to think she was getting the hang of it when he halted in mid-attack, turning towards something she couldn't see. Through her tiny tendril of awareness, she felt his brief rush of apprehension before he veiled his mind with a powerful shield that completely numbed her tendril of Force.
I have to go, he said abruptly.
Thank you, she said, but he was already gone. Rey returned to her abandoned dream and for the rest of the night tried to practice the forms that Luke had taught her, but she couldn't concentrate and eventually just gave over to her favorite dream, which was walking through a lush forest, sitting next to a stream, and listening to the sounds of running water and leaves rustling overhead.
When she awoke, she felt revitalized. She conducted her morning meditation without incident, joked with Finn over breakfast and finally entered the makeshift fighting ring that Luke had set up for their lightsaber sparring. She hefted the wooden saber and tried to find that tendril of Force, but it was harder to do in a real-life situation where she was trying to split her attention between what was physically going on and how she was mentally trying to use the Force. He managed to get past her guard twice, and Rey felt her confidence begin to slip. He was taller than she was, with more weight and muscle behind every blow, and she felt herself start to struggle. He had been improving steadily, and the thought that she was falling behind intruded upon her mind, causing another of his strikes to get past her defenses.
"You can't keep losing focus like that," Luke snapped at her from the sidelines. "This is a serious skill I'm trying to teach you. It requires mental toughness."
Rey felt the words sink home, even as she tried to keep them out. Desperate, she summoned forth in her mind Kylo Ren's advice.
You are fighting for your life every time you pick up your weapon. Rey adjusted her sweaty grip on the hilt of her wooden saber, trying to turn the feeling of defeat into something stronger. Something harder. She didn't look Finn in the eyes, instead focusing on his chest.
He's my enemy, she thought. He's going to try to kill me.
"Attack," Luke said. Rey sent out the tiny tendril of Force. This time, she felt it brush against Finn's mind, his thought fluttering beneath its touch. She had it! Rey felt her heartbeat accelerate as she felt his mind flex with decision, and she raised her saber to the precise position to block the attack. The sticks collided with a resounding crack! and Finn stepped back, smiling and nodding at her. Rey glanced aside. He was not Finn. He was the enemy.
She attacked next, and her strike sent him staggering backwards a few paces. While he recovered his balance, she delivered a sharp smack to his shoulder. Strong arm severed, she thought.
He rolled his shoulder experimentally a couple of times before they squared up again.
"Partner preservation," Luke reminded her.
Rey blocked out the sound of his voice. She needed all of her concentration to maintain and focus upon that tiny strand of Force giving her information that would keep her alive. If there was one thing her mind and body were both expertly adapted for, it was survival. She felt new energy flood her muscles, the same kind that would come to her when fighting off thugs or other scavengers. That energy had earned her a reputation as a difficult mark for predators. This was a new danger, but she also had new tricks for survival.
She brought the practice saber back up, tense, waiting. Finn, who obviously felt the shift of her energy, uneasily came to the ready. Luke gave the order, and they clashed together, the Force surging through Rey's very blood. She was stronger than before, leaning more heavily on Finn's mind, drawing from it and reacting with precision, blocking every strike before finally knocking him off-balance. He belatedly raised his saber to block her next attack, but his angle was off, and Rey easily knocked it aside, delivering a vicious backhand. The Force was thrumming through her: a fierce, victorious torrent. Caught in the excitement of success, Rey delivered a stinging blow to Finn's hand, causing him to yelp and drop the practice saber with a clatter. She stabbed downward, both hands on the hilt, imagining the blazing blade of a real saber punching down, ending the threat. She distantly heard Finn's sharp intake of breath even as Luke shouted, "Enough!"
She arrested the motion, the end of the wooden saber a scant inch from Finn's heart.
Victory froze in her veins as Rey stared into the eyes of her friend, who looked…afraid. She felt the new strength abruptly ebb away, replaced by horror. Her practice saber clattered to the ground beside her, and she dropped to her knees at Finn's side.
"Are you okay?" she managed to choke out.
"Yeah," he said after a moment. "Yeah, I'm fine." But the fear was still there in his dark brown eyes, and regret squeezed Rey's heart. She shouldn't have followed Kylo Ren's advice. She'd known it wasn't right. She'd known.
Rey felt tears come to her eyes. She hadn't lost control; she'd given it over willingly. Was that what the Dark Side was?
"We're done for today," Luke said, sounding unnerved. "I suggest you focus on meditations before tomorrow's lessons."
Rey didn't meet Finn's gaze as she reached to pick up the practice sabers and silently return them to their stand. She strode away, not waiting for him.
"Rey! Wait up!" Finn called after her, but she didn't slow her pace. He caught up with her eventually, however. It wasn't as though she could hide here, not from him and not from Luke. Not from the training that was making it increasingly clear that she was unfit for the role that had been more or less thrust upon her.
It didn't take long for them to reach the eastern edge of the island. Rey halted, staring out across the ocean. It wasn't much different than the desert, truly. Thousands of kilometers of nothing. A dead end. A vast trap designed to keep her in place.
Finn stood next to her, quiet, waiting. Fondness for him welled up within her. How could she have almost hurt him so badly?
"I'm so sorry, Finn," she said.
"We were sparring. And you were doing really well at it. You just got a little carried away, is all."
"It was more than that." Rey tried to figure out how to put that rush of emotion into words. "It was like I'd tapped into something that would have destroyed you if I gave it a chance. Have you ever felt anything like that?"
"I haven't," Finn admitted. "But maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe that'll help you when you're in a real fight."
Rey hesitated, but then decided not to tell Finn about Kylo Ren's advice. Finn hadn't reacted very well the last time, and she had no desire to get into another argument at the moment.
"But I wasn't in a real fight, and you almost got really hurt because I forgot that."
"Then it's something to watch out for in the future. But you can't just keep beating yourself up over an accident. Besides, you stopped yourself. That's the most important thing."
"How did you do it?" Rey asked.
"Do what?"
"Come through everything that happened to you and still be so kind?"
Finn snorted.
"You've obviously never had to compete against me in the mess hall line when rations were cut."
"Do you ever feel angry about being forced to be a Storm Trooper?"
Finn's smile faded.
"Sometimes. All of that training, the conditioning we went through…it feels like they stole part of who I could have been, and I'll never get that back."
"How do you cope with that?"
Finn shrugged.
"I can't change it. But I can make sure I don't become what they trained me to be."
"What do you do with your anger though?" Rey thought about the glimpse she'd gotten of her own molten core of rage and felt a pang of fear.
"I put it towards becoming someone who can help others going through what I went through," Finn said. "I use it when I'm feeling tired during training, or frustrated, or afraid. It gets me back on track."
Rey let out a long breath. While he had somehow harnessed his rage, she feared her own anger far too much to use it.
"You will make a great Jedi one day," she told him.
"You will too," he said, patting her on the back. Rey forced a smile back. Finn seemed to sense her reservations.
"Give it another chance, Rey. You could do so much good. You are so strong with the Force. It can't be for nothing."
He rose and offered her a hand. Rey let him pull her to her feet.
"I'll try," she said. She'd train. She'd learn better control. And maybe then she could defeat the darkness lurking deep within her.