***Author's note: Thank you for all the kind words regarding my family loss, it meant a lot. I do at times feel very directionless, but working on this story has really helped. Sorry for the delay, it was evaluation time at my work and I was burnt out on writing those, that fun writing seemed not as fun. But back in the groove. Thanks for reading and for all your feedback. Is it me or does October feel so weird with no hockey?***

Trina was busy in the kitchen when they returned.

The air felt a little different a day later.

Caroline was exhausted by the conversation at the park. It had been many months of suppressing thoughts and feelings. Many months of not being around him. The closeness of him. And the oddness of being with this person she knew so well, but had felt so distant from the past few years. Ever since the miscarriage it had been different. Sid never wanted to talk about it. When she tried, he focused on her and how she was feeling, which was sweet, but he didn't want to talk about the baby who never arrived. Their new life as parents that never began.

This person now beside her, completely ignorant of what had occurred. What had been that final moment that changed everything. That separated them. He was living in this alternate reality and she was left playing along. She had always wondered when the big hit would come or the injury that would sideline him. He was always so prepared. So she hadn't been scared per se. Just anticipated what that would be like. How they would handle it. She meant what she said at the park, that when they had to deal with a concussion or an injury, she would be there for him. She was prepared to do what needed to be done to help him. But the hit never came. Not when they were together.

Instead it was just day to day life. Trying to get pregnant and it never happening. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like his priorities shifted as he continued to chase the cup. Feeling like she didn't measure up. All the insecurities bubbling back up to the surface. The question of "when are you going to try again?" or the constant pitying looks as players' families continued to grow. The endless baby showers for other wives, holding babies and feeling again like this was a part of life you don't get to have. It was that feeling she'd had before meeting Sid. It was a feeling that had consumed her and scared her and it had returned in full force and she hated it. And in time she started to feel like if she even wanted it, because fighting for it hurt so badly.

"Well you are up early," Trina said with a smile as Caroline and Sid entered into the large kitchen.

Caroline returned the smile a little less enthusiastically.

"We went for a drive," Sid replied easily, walking towards his mother and grabbing a piece of bacon from the plate on the counter next to her.

"Oh, how nice," Trina said, her eyes lighting up as she glanced at Caroline.

Caroline just looked over at the spread on the kitchen table. Piles of toast, mountains of eggs, glasses of juice and a pitcher of coffee. Caroline, now starving walked over towards the table to fix herself a cup of coffee. She was exhausted, not only because of waking up so early, but from the emotions of all this.

She took a seat and sipped her coffee while Trina fawned over her son, asking how he was feeling and swatting his hand away from grabbing more bacon.

Caroline watched the two of them. There was a time when she would have looked on at this exchange fondly. While Trina was a bit over the top, she loved her son fiercely and Caroline appreciated the closeness of family. Now, she just felt bitter. Trina knew everything. She knew why Sid and Caroline weren't together. She knew how he'd felt afterwards. And yet she was pretending just like the rest of them that nothing was wrong. That this elephant wasn't stomping all around the kitchen.

God, there was nothing worse than a hardened heart. It left you empty and alone. Cynical and bitter. Caroline chastised herself as she felt those feelings watching the two of them.

Sid turned, the plate of bacon in hand and walked towards her. Caroline's eyes met his and it made her feel so off guard to see there was no hardening in his eyes. No cynicism or bitterness. For him, in the bliss of ignorance he saw no elephant.

They ate and chatted lightly, it felt so strangely normal. Often Sid would bring her into the conversation, his eyes soft on hers in a way that made her feel like that hardened heart could still be softened. Before she knew it, he'd pushed back his plate and announced he needed a shower before everyone arrived to figure out how to fix their captain.

Now it was just Trina and Caroline. She knew when she'd agreed to staying here for the day there would be these awkward moments. And this was definitely awkward.

"How's your mom doing?" Trina asked kindly. The two moms had grown close over the years, seeing one another at games or family get-togethers.

"She's fine," Caroline replied, not offering anything else.

"I miss seeing her," Trina replied, not deterred.

Caroline knew her mom missed Trina as well. The families got along well and they'd grown close. But in those weeks after the separation, Caroline's mom had seen the heartbreak and devastation her daughter went through and never asked about the Crosbys.

Caroline chose not to reply.

"I miss you too Caroline," Trina said softly.

Caroline looked up in surprise and saw the genuine sadness in her mother in laws face.

"We all miss you, Sid included." Caroline's heart raced a bit. "He hasn't been the same since you two separated. I don't know if he'd want me sharing, but I feel like you need to know. He's been struggling. A lot."

"He won the cup, he looked so happy." Caroline said pathetically.

"He won the cup because since you left he's completely immersed himself in his game. He was so single focused that we became concerned. He refused to talk about it, but I could tell. I could see that look on his face when he thought no one was looking. He may have been excited on the ice that night getting that trophy, but I saw him later, after the cameras and the people were gone. He misses you. He has an emptiness to him. He asks if I talk to your mom, I think it's his way of asking if I know anything about you. I never wanted to get involved in what happened. I think that stays between a couple, but I truly think there is a change to resolve this. I know the current situation makes it difficult, which is why I was so eager for him to regain his memories and for you to be here, so that maybe you two can work this out."

Caroline's heart felt softened, she could see the earnestness in Trina's eyes.

It all felt so complicated. So twisted and turned that unraveling it all seemed exhausting, both mentally and physically. She couldn't deny that she still loved him. She would always love him. But it just had gotten so hard. And she had deceived him. Again. And she didn't think he'd give her another shot.

Plus she had a life now. She loved teaching and she'd grown close to her neighbors and made a few friends. It wasn't a lot but it meant something to her. She felt like she could breathe. But at the same time, he was her air. He was her heart, her whole heart. And these past few months had given her perspective. And he, without the memories of before, had a whole different way of looking things also.

"I let him down." Caroline said softly, the guilt coming up to a simmer. "I was dishonest and I lied to him. That's a dealbreaker. He has this standard. I didn't meet it. So I left."

Caroline looked up at Trina. The older woman's eyes were wet and her face sad. "Oh sweetie, is that what you think?"

Caroline shrugged, "I couldn't give him what he wanted."

"You broke his heart. That's all. I think if there ever comes a time when you can talk about it, I think there's a tough but honest conversation you need to have with one another. But I have faith, I believe you can come back from this. He loves you. More than anything, more than anyone. I've watched him suffer. I know my son. He can be singularly focused and for that he's been very successful, but it's also a coping mechanism. It was different with you. You made him different, better, a more complete and compassionate person. You give him so much more than you think."

Caroline sat with those words for a minute. It was a lot to process. She used to think it was the two of them against the world. They were a team. But then it became harder and there was heartbreak and sorrow and they struggled to heal. They moved on but they never mended that wound. That wound that turned them both inside out. Gave them pain like they'd never known, hurt like they'd never felt. Instead they put a bandaid on it. And they'd suffered for it.

There was a knock at the door that broke Caroline from her thoughts.

"That must be the team," Trina said kindly, putting her hand gently on Caroline's before standing up. "I'm glad we could talk. I know it wasn't fair to spring all this on you, but I knew that there was still love there. I thought this could help."

Caroline gave a weak smile, "I can let Sid know they're here."

Trina nodded and left, heading for the front door.

Caroline in a daze walked to the back staircase and climbed the steps to the second floor. The door to their bedroom was ajar.

"Sid?" Caroline said softly, pushing the door open. He was nowhere to be seen.

"Sid?" she called again. This time as she did, he emerged from the adjoining bathroom, a towel in hand rubbing at his wet hair.

And he was completely naked.

For a beat (maybe two) Caroline just stared at the man before her. His body hadn't changed, not from what she remembered. The lines of muscle, the thickness of his legs, the smoothness of his stomach, her eyes focused on the thickness of his penis swinging like a pendulum as he strode into the bedroom.

As soon as she saw him notice her, she quickly shifted her eyes up to the corner of the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, her face already on fire, the blush hot on her neck.

"It's ok," she could hear the smile in his voice, "nothing you haven't seen before."

She glanced back at him.

Still naked.

Only now she could see his arousal stirring. She looked up at him, a sly smile on his face. He looked so much like the old him, it was disarming. Plus he was making no attempt to get dressed, despite his clothes laid out on his bed.

Turning around, Caroline felt the mortification turn to a degree of arousal of her own, which she couldn't let him see.

"The guys from the team are here, you should probably get dressed." she told him.

She hoped the rustling she heard was him putting on his clothes. "You know, I really do appreciate you being here, Care. I was thinking, you know, if at any point, it's too much, you don't have to stay. No questions asked. It helps having you here, but I can handle it."

She felt that hardened heart soften again, just a little bit.

"You can turn around," he said.

He was pulling the t-shirt over his head as she turned around. The rest of him clothed, his jeans tight against the thickness of his thighs.

"I want you to get better. However I can help with that, I'm here." she replied, the heat on her face subsiding.

"And what about after that?" he asked, his gaze intent on hers.

"I'm not sure," she answered honestly. "I don't," she paused, clearing her throat, "I don't know what you will want when you remember."

He walked towards her. She swallowed, her pulse quickening. She needed to get out of there, but she couldn't get her feet to move. The heat that built between her thighs was still there and it was only becoming more intense.

She stayed still as he came closer, the heat of his body radiating off of him. He was so close.

His hand came up, his fingers brushing her bangs to the side.

"I know what I want." he said softly, the calloused pads of his fingers cool against the lingering warmth of her skin as his eyes searched hers.

Caroline blinked, breaking the trance she'd found herself in. "They're waiting for you downstairs," she said shakily. Taking a few steps back, she then turned towards the door, quickly escaping before something happened that would only make things more complicated.

As she descended the stairs, she saw a group of men talking animatedly. She could feel Sid right behind her and as they came closer the men stopped talking and looked up at them. Some she recognized, some she didn't.

Included in those faces, was Marc-Andre. Caroline felt the pang of guilt upon seeing him. She'd lost touch with Veronique over the past year. All the friends she had made through Sid she had lost touch with. She was embarrassed and figured they would be taking Sid's side anyway, so she found it easier to not respond to the calls and texts of the WAGs she had become friends with. The biggest being Veronique and Marc-Andre.

"Hi Caroline," Marc-Andre said kindly when she reached the bottom of the stairs. He smiled his famous Flower smile and Caroline smiled in return.

"Hi Marc," she said in reply, feeling Sid come up next to her.

She watched as Marc-Andre's eyes shifted from her to Sid, then back to her, then back to Sid, a curious look on his face.

It only lasted a moment, because the group of men that had been chatting with Trina and now Troy too, turned to Sid and pulled him into their group and off they went into the formal dining room to hash out the schedule for the day.

She could have followed but she figured if he needed her, he would find her. Instead she wandered down another hallway feeling the oddness of her home feeling so foreign. Everywhere she turned there were memories. And there were still belongings of hers somewhere. Maybe this would be an opportunity to see what she had left behind in her haste last winter break.

She had always figured she would come back here. There would come a time when she needed to talk to him about next steps and see about her things. She just never in a million years would have thought this would be the circumstance in which she would be here.

Finding her way down to the basement, she saw many items she recognized. Stacked neatly in the corner. There were large rubbermaid containers and she approached the stack, looking to make heads or tales over what was there.

It was just her luck that the first box she opened was the one she was hoping to avoid. Inside lay baby clothes and bottles, a monitor, a mobile. Gifts given when she and Sid announced they were pregnant. Baby books, what to expect books, even the little Penguins jersey made specially by the team. The name Crosby, Jr. on the back.

She didn't even realize she was crying until she saw the drops fall onto the dark fabric.

She stared at that jersey and the memories came flooding back.

It wasn't until the following Fall that she found the energy to pack up the nursery.

The weeks that followed the miscarriage were nothing short of awful. Sid quickly returned to the team after taking a day off. They were in the middle of a cup run.

Caroline stayed in bed most days. Family, friends, they all rallied around her, coming to visit bringing casseroles and comforting words. Caroline would drag herself out of bed when the company arrived, but as soon as they left, she retreated back to the bedroom. Eliot took up post at the bottom of the bed and Caroline would just stare into space, trying to figure out what she had done wrong.

She didn't go to any of the games versus New York. The team had an utter collapse, blowing a 3-1 series lead. All the plans that had been made, were now changed. Because there was no baby anymore.

Instead they decided to go up to Cole Harbour for the summer. The air would do her well Sid said.

And it did. For those few months life slowed down. She found solace in nature and the beauty of the lake. SId never pushed her, but trying to talk about what happened was hard.

Now they were back in Pittsburgh. A new season awaited them, along with the room Caroline has not wanted to enter.

It was at dinner one night that she brought it up. Sid had returned from practice, showered, and they were sitting down to eat.

Caroline squirmed in her seat, pushing around the rice dish they were having, clearly distracted with her thoughts.

"You ok" Sid asked, his mouth full but his brow crinkled in concern.

Caroline gave a weak smile and nodded, "Yeah. Just thinking."

Sid swallowed and grinned, "What else is new?"

"I was thinking of packing up the nursery and turning it into an office for myself. And I think I want to take classes to get my master's degree in education. I need to do something for myself. And I think it's time." Caroline said in a rush, her eyes intent on her husband's.

Sid's smile faded, "I see."

"I've thought about it all summer. And ever since we got home I walk past that door and I feel like I can't breathe. I need closure, Sid. And I need something new. Something for me. I have a lot to offer and I just...well now that things have changed, I need something to fill my time."

She watched as he swallowed and leaned back in his seat. The t-shirt hugging his torso, his hands running up and down his jean covered thighs. He didn't say anything for a minute.

"I'm not asking for permission," Caroline said, an edge to her voice. "I just want you to do this with me. Packing everything up."

He sighed, his eyes training on her, looking as if he was trying to find the right words to say. Finally he responded. "We hadn't talked about trying again. I wanted to be patient, wait to bring it up until you were ready."

"I'm not ready," she replied quickly. She wanted him to ask her why, talk about their son, wallow in the pain with her. But instead he just nodded.

"Okay, we'll pack it up."

Caroline didn't feel the wave of relief she thought she'd feel. Instead she just felt hollow.

"I'll get some containers tomorrow," she said softly. "We can maybe work on it this weekend." She picked up her fork and began to eat.

Sid picked up his fork as well, "Can you tell me more about taking classes? It sounds like a really good idea, were you thinking Pitt?"

Caroline relaxed a bit and became slightly more animated as she explained her thoughts to him. The air at the dinner table lightened a bit.

Later that night, when he got into bed, he pulled her into his arms. His hand brushing her hair off her forehead, his lips pressing against the cool skin of her forehead.

I wish it didn't hurt all the time. He wanted to say. But he didn't. He couldn't. He had to be strong for her, for them. In time it would get easier. Packing up the nursery was the right step to take.

He just...he just wished it didn't hurt all the time.

Caroline's mouth found his, softly and sweetly she kissed him. Her hands on his biceps, as he maneuvered himself on top of her. His hands slipped under her t-shirt, her impossible soft and warm skin like heaven under his fingertips.

She pulled him closer, the weight of his body the constant comfort she needed.

In moments their clothes were off, his fingers gently probing between her legs, feeling her ready for him. His mouth moved to the slope of her neck, to her collarbone, to her breasts.

Caroline arched into him, her fingernails digging into his muscled arms and in seconds he was inside of her. They moved in the rhythm they knew so well, a dance they had perfected.

Whispers of love and encouragement as they both felt the crescendo of their pleasure. His fingers brushing her sides, his hand curling around her hip, pulling her into him, as her legs hooked around his, her thighs spreading to take him in deeper.

His movements became stronger and faster, Caroline held onto him, her body moving with his. Sid's fingers moved to between her legs, finding that sweet spot and giving her the release she'd been building towards. Moments later he found his release as well.

He moved over to the side, pulling her into him, his lips in her hair, his arms wrapped around her midsection, his palm on her midsection. A move so painfully familiar. He felt her stiffen a bit and he started to move his hand away. Caroline's hand stopped him.

"It's okay," she whispered, angling her face towards his. With shiny eyes, she kissed him softly.

And he held her a little tighter.

That weekend they entered the nursery, the walls pale yellow and gray. Penguins everywhere, cute cuddly ones and bright yellow and black ones. Packed things up, mostly in silence.

In the following weeks, the room was painted a soft taupe and office furniture was purchased.

Caroline began the application process with Pitt, researching the specialties, reaching out to past mentors, and preparing for the GRE.

That Fall life continued in a new way. The Penguins season started with Mike Johnson behind the bench, Jim Rutherford in the office that used to belong to Ray Shero. The team started off hot under new direction and Sid started to feel like they could survive this. That the hurt wouldn't hurt all the time. Not when all those memories were packed away and stored in the basement. They could move on. They could find closure.

Caroline closed up the storage container, her wiping her eyes with her sleeves. The memories felt like yesterday and a hundred years ago all at once.

Taking a few deep breaths, she climbed back up the stairs and joined the others.

It was after two, when everyone had left and the doctor suggested Sid get a much needed nap. It had been a long morning with lots of questions and tests, then more questions and tests. Caroline had stayed nearby for all of it while the doctors prodded and probed her husband, asking basically the same question in a hundred different ways.

For a minute, she was afraid that Sid would ask her to lay down with him, but he didn't. Instead they had an awkward goodbye, as he thanked her again for staying and she swallowed the guilt wondering if she told him the whole story, he would remember.

She wondered when she would see him again. Everything felt so uncertain, undefined. But she didn't have to wonder long, when later that evening there was a knock on her door and there he was. A soft gray fleece hugging his broad chest and muscled arms, a dark hat slung down over his eyes, and his simple question.

"Can I come in?"