Olivia found it easy to fall asleep in Trevor's arms, but staying asleep was another story. It was the same every night. She tried so hard quiet the loudest of thoughts in her head but it was no use.

She sighed and rolled away from him. He was lightly snoring. She grabbed the robe at the end of the bed that she had been wearing earlier and pulled it around herself. She tip-toed quietly to the balcony and unlocked the latch, looking behind her to make sure she hadn't awoken him. She paused for a moment as he stirred but he went back to sleep.

She let herself outside for some fresh air as she often did back in Manhattan. The weather was cool for 2:30 in the morning but not cold. She sat down on one of the wicker deck chairs and thought about the past two days with him and the conversations they'd had where she shared things she thought that she would forever keep to herself.

It was very hard to trust herself around him, to guard her heart, to be smart- not foolish. He made it hard for her to breathe sometimes, not on a bad way, but in a way that she'd never really experienced since Elliot. She had almost forgotten what that feeling was like.

She leaned back on the chair and let the city pass by below. She closed her eyes as her thoughts drifted to Elliot. Was she ready to close the door on him for good? There were so many questions surrounding his return to Manhattan. She wondered if he was still with Kathy and if he wasn't … what did that mean for her? Was he coming back to settle things between them, or to let her know that he was free now.

She almost scoffed at her own thoughts. Elliot was the king of never verbalizing his feelings; even if he did come back and wanted something from her, it didn't mean that he would ever admit it or show a side to her that he was never capable of even showing to his wife of so many years.

She thought back to Trevor; his directness, honesty, warmth and how he really didn't know her very well but still cared enough to show her such kindness and to put words to her feelings when she found it hard. She knew where she stood and there wasn't any guessing with him. That, she knew, was profoundly hard to come by in a man.

Elliot really didn't know her either, not anymore. He didn't know about Noah, he wasn't there for her during her adoption process. He didn't know what she'd been through with the man who's name she felt physically nauseous hearing out loud. He had no idea what it was like to find out her brother had died and it was all of her fault. He knew virtually nothing about her. Elliot had been her family, she thought at the time that no one knew her better than him and maybe it was true back then, but a lot of time had passed since and Liv had grown up and matured a lot and saw a lot of things for what they were.

She took a deep breath in slowly as darker thoughts clouded her mind. She let the breath go just as slowly.

She was not going to let Elliot rattle her cage. Trevor was the man that she didn't know she needed and even though it was so far, the briefest of time with him, there was something inside of her that knew inherently that he was special and that if she managed not to screw things up, he might actually fall in love with her and want to stay forever.

Forever... she thought, so far she stood to be a 'love-the-one-youre-with' type of girlfriend to all the men that had come before him. They had proven her worth or how little she felt she deserved by turning their backs when things became difficult.. When she became difficult. As much as she resented that word, she could at least understand why sometimes they felt at a wits end with her. She didn't blame them for leaving. True that she had let Tucker go, but it was because she knew she couldn't stand it if he did it first...

She tried to think of happier things, but her mind came back to the incident earlier with Trevor.

They had sat in the tub earlier and Olivia felt so at-ease with him. He held her in his arms and smoothed the skin of her shoulders, kissing her at random intervals and she hadn't remembered a time where she had felt so much like she belonged to the moment.

She tried to close her eyes and just let the agitation fall away from her. If she was back in her own room she could have at least taken an Ambien as she did most nights when her anxieties seemed to overtake her.

It had been a cycle since the monster – she hadn't slept unaided in years and the times where she fell asleep naturally she woke up in shock from a hideous dream or she was unable to stay asleep at all.

It didn't worry her too much, it was all part and parcel of the traumas from not only what he had done to her, but the every day darkness of working with SVU.

Something had clicked over for her – the part of her that kept things to herself had budged when Trevor had traced his finger over a tiny scar on the side of her chest. She knew exactly where it was as she had obsessed over it every time she looked in the mirror. "What's this from?" he had asked curiously.

She found herself becoming overwhelmed and her entire body tensed immediately. She shrugged him away and sat forward, not wanting him to realize the panic that had set in. She felt his hands on her back, he wasn't quick to press her for details, but the noise in her head made it hard to think about just how honest she should have been about things.

"Liv?" he said gently, figuring out pretty quickly that pointing out scars was completely off-limits. "sorry, I didn't mean to pry…"

She counted to three and let her shoulders drop again, so thankful that he couldn't see her face. He rested his hands on them.

"Its okay," she replied finally, steeling herself. Slowly, slowly, slowly, she coached herself, resting back down against the wonderful, kind man who was just expressing his curiosity in wanting to get to know her.

He reached for her hand and laced his fingers within hers and gave her hand a little squeeze.

"Its from him," she admitted. "Thankfully most of the things he did to me didn't leave scars but… there's a couple little marks…"

"Okay," he had replied quietly, her body was still rigid and he knew it was a very tender subject; one that she may never have discussed with him. He knew some of what had happened from the news and also from court documents but hadn't realised there were scars. It made him feel a little woozy at the thought of someone inflicting physical injuries on her. At the time when it happened, he dealt with it matter-of-factly, but now that they were personally attached, it was entirely something else.

He knew she was thinking about what had happened to her. She remembered when that situation all wound up, people treated her with kid gloves for months, Trevor included, everyone walked on egg shells and everyone stared with piteous eyes as if they expected her to break down.

"Its okay," she said again, a little more like herself, "you don't have to worry about me in that respect, Trevor, I'm fine now…"

She knew he didn't really believe her and that her fine and his fine had two different meanings.

Shaking Olivia out of her thoughts of what took place just a few short hours ago was a voice at the doorway of the balcony.

"Hey… what are you doing out here?" Trevor asked. She glanced behind her to notice him leaning against the sliding door almost entirely naked except for the fresh pair of trunks he'd changed in to after the bath.

"Couldn't sleep…" she murmured, "sorry if I woke you up…"

He stepped out on to the balcony and stood beside her, putting an arm around her. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "Something bothering you, or…?"

"Yeah," she chuckled, "I don't have my bottle of ambien," she admitted, trying to remain light-hearted.

She could tell he was sleepy and would have easily gone back to sleep, but he pulled up a chair and sat beside her. "You wanna talk?"

"I'd prefer to sleep, but sure… why not?" she tried to joke. He reached for her hand and relaxed back, yawning with a huge, wide open mouth, not even trying to contain it. He gave the back of her hand a kiss and entwined his fingers with hers. He loved having someone to hold hands with, he missed it. "You know, you can go back to sleep Trev," she told him, "you don't have to sit out here with me, I'm alright."

"You know what I've noticed I hear a lot coming from your mouth, Benson?" he asked quietly. His voice was soft, hushed almost so that no one else could hear. He didn't give her the chance to answer, "I hear a lot of, 'I'm fine, 'I'm okay, it's fine, it's alright' in this type of apologetic voice about things that are not fine, not okay and they're certainly nothing for you to be sorry about."

His comment hit hard; typical Trevor, astute and perceptive. She bore him a brief glance and he knew immediately the comment had stung her, not in a hurtful way, but just because she knew he had her summed up without much effort.

"I don't know what to say to that…" she said quietly, trying to draw her hand from his, feeling exposed and a little sensitive about how easily he could call her bluff. It was confronting. He held her hand firmer, not giving her a way out.

"You don't have to say anything, it's an observation and I figure its pretty on point… my question is, you can tell me you're fine or that you're alright but I know there's something going on, so wouldn't it just be easier to talk to me about it and get it off your chest so you're not carrying the weight of it alone?"

"Trevor, its not your baggage, when I say I'm fine, I mean it. I will be fine. I might have stuff going on in my head, but I'll survive. If you're already getting frustrated, think of how it must have felt for Cassidy who you trashed earlier for walking away from me, this is me, this is how I deal with things. I don't need someone breathing down my neck and asking me what's wrong every five seconds."

"Okay," he said simply. He let go of her hand. He was calm, cool, maybe a little too calm for Olivia. She was used to raging tempers where she wouldn't bother to try to fight, she would shrink away and take refuge in a silent room and wait for Brian to leave the apartment, letting the door smash closed on the way out. It was only when he left did she ever let herself come undone.

His calmness worried her, the fact that he didn't even look angry confused her.

"Okay what?" she pressed as he got up, grabbing the chair that he'd sat down on, and pushed it beneath the tiny outdoor table. She was trying to figure out just how mad at her he was; if she needed to apologise or if she should just get her shit and leave.

"Okay you don't want me to press the issue or ask you dozens of questions, you're fine. You will work it out and I'm going to go back to sleep, I'll see you in bed." He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "goodnight, don't stay out here all night."

He closed the sliding door behind him.

"What the fuck…" Olivia whispered softly to herself. She got up, wondering if he was being passive aggressive. She pushed open the door and found Trevor in bed, glancing at his phone.

"Oh," he looked up, "sorry I didn't realize you were coming back to bed now…"

"Trevor, what the fuck?" she ignored his remark, "what are you doing?"

He sat up and switched the bedside lamp on and looked as confused as she felt. "I'm just looking at Al Jazeera, why?" he wondered.

"No," she sputtered, "what the fuck was all of that out there? I didn't bare my soul to you, so you huff off back to bed in the most fucking disgusting display of passive aggression I've ever encountered," she felt her face heating up with anger.

He stared at her for a moment before he laughed which served her furiousness more fuel. "Don't fucking laugh at me!" she snapped.

"Olivia," he began, "I'm not trying to be passive aggressive. I was trying to respect your wishes, don't curse me out for doing exactly what you asked," he shot back, a little tiny bit of irate showing, "you can be as mad as you want but you don't get to swear at me."

She felt reproached and felt guilty for not being able to contain her own temper. She had to steel herself, it was rare for her to lose it so quickly.

"Liv, you told me you didn't want someone breathing down your neck. I get it, we barely know each other and I don't expect you to start sharing intimate details of things from your past. I'm not frustrated with you, I'm not angry with you. I understand," he said, "And you made it clear you wanted space and I'm sorry if that confuses you, but I'm not about to try to make you feel bad for your own personal needs like others have in your past!"

Even though she could hear his exasperation, she knew he wasn't angry with her, she had just jumped the gun.

"Okay?"

She nodded feeling silly for sounding off over something so stupid.

"I'm just… not used to this…"

"I know you're not, how dare someone respect your boundaries... crazy." he said, nonplussed by her sudden embarrassment. His voice softened. "Why don't you just come back to bed and forget it, I won't ask you dozens of questions, I'll respect you."

She knew she had committed. She didn't want to fight with him or be difficult for no reason. He was just being himself, perfectly understanding. "I'm waiting to figure out what your deal is…" she told him sulkily as she got back in to bed.

He managed a laugh, "What do you mean?" he was happy to have narrowly avoided conflict with her.

"Why are you so perfect? What's your catch? Are we gonna hang out more and I'm gonna realize you have 6 other side girls, or … that you have some strange kinks?"

He grinned at her, happy to notice she was disrobing beneath the sheet. She came to bed in her thong and her bra but had become frustrated with the underwire digging in that she'd tossed it out of the bed right before she went to sleep. "No, Olivia, I'm not perfect and I know you don't believe that I am and I'm sure you'll find a lot of my idiosyncrasies to be incredibly annoying and disappointing in no time at all."

He put an arm around her and drew her close to him, feeling the curve of her breast pressing against his cheek. "I really like you, Liv, if you don't want to tell me something, you need to just say so, don't get mad at me. I'll drop it, I understand that we're probably not very close yet, but I hope we will be and I hope that you'll open up to me in the best way that you can, but its cool for now…"

Without realizing, his kindness made her feel guilty. She wanted to be better at communicating, for him. "I just have trouble sleeping at times, I am fine, that is true, but it's hard for me to sleep. I was so mad at you about the Sanchez case because its hard for me to un-see what he did to his victims and it still gives me nightmares and then sometimes that bleeds in to nightmares about him." She spoke fast and bluntly, trying to disassociate the way she did whenever she had to visit with her shrink. She spoke the words as if they were coming from someone else's mouth – as if she was discussing the weather, or how she forgot to separate the whites from the bright colors in the laundry. It was an almost out-of-body experience.

He gave her a little squeeze and kissed her temple. "I get it…" he murmured, his lips still pressed against her. "And I'm so sorry about the Sanchez case, I mean that. It was my biggest mistake in my career. I've had to live with the guilt of setting a monster free and if I can be so bravely honest as you have been," he admitted, "I have bad dreams over him too, maybe not to the same extent, but I've had recently start seeing someone professionally to talk about it…"

Olivia was not expecting that. "Really?" She looked at him. "Seriously? You were that bothered by it? You are always so stone-faced in the courtroom, so… staunch in what you believe."

"I'm just a man, Liv, I can be wrong but why would I professionally admit that to your squad? I was so wrong and I knew it and all I could think about was Eloise and how I had let her down and it just…" he paused and sucked in air, the first time she had actually realized that he'd suffered too, "it actually just breaks me apart inside."

"I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about it."

"I deserve everything I get about that case, Olivia, don't apologise. Everything you said is everything I thought and if I get a frosty reception to the DA's office, it'll just be just punishment."

He didn't let her say anything, "but in terms of you, Liv, I'm sorry for what you went through and we don't have to go in to it and I certainly never expect you to talk about it unless you want to, but I'm sorry and I'm sorry that you still have the nightmares of the Sanchez case and of him… does it bother you to say his name?"

"Yes," she said decisively, "I don't know why but it just causes a physical response and it's deeply triggering."

"Okay," he said softly, "I'm going to ask a question and you don't have to answer, but… have you actually ever talked about any of it openly with anyone besides legally?"

"Yes," she said nodding her head, "my shrink, as best as I can… I think with a shrink its been easier because I don't have to see the look in people's eyes – its piteous and feels intrusive," she admitted. "Remember when I was in trial and they wanted to take my badge?" she asked him, "and as a result, I could have lost Noah and you… you helped me out there."

He did remember. It wasn't hard to. What had happened to her had been all over the news; he wanted to call to make sure everything was alright, but she had called him first. She was stoic and calm and told him she needed him to represent her when she had to appear before the adoption court.

"I knew Noah was going to be with someone who was going to provide him with a good, stable home, I would never refused either you or him of that."

"I know, but you didn't even bill me, that was kind of you… I don't know if I ever thanked you."

"You had a lot going on, Liv, I didn't need a trophy for doing what I could to just make it all a little more bearable…"

"Well, thank you…" she replied, finally daring to meet his eyes. She felt her stomach drop when she realized he wasn't staring at her with pity which was what she was most afraid of, he stared with a lot of adoration.

"I'm not perfect Liv," he said seriously, "I have my own demons… I'm not entirely comfortable sharing them either but in time I might be able to, so I'm not mad if you tell me a subject is off-limits, I'd never be mad at you for that, I promise."

She felt tears stinging her eyes but she blinked them away. "Thanks…"

"And…" he paused, "give me a moment…" he released her from his half embrace and slid out of bed. She watched him get up and go over to his suitcase. He picked up a small travel bag and heard him rifle around it a little until he found what he was after. She couldn't see what he had in his hand but continued on to the little basin in the kitchenette and filled a glass of water before coming back to bed. He sat on the edge and handed her the glass of water. "I really feel awkward about this, but… I trust you when you say its normal for you to need an aid for sleeping." He held out a small bottle. "I hope you don't take this every day."

She took the bottle of him and saw his prescription for Ambien. She smiled gratefully. "You know, I could arrest you for this…" she joked.

"I'm not selling it to you, I'm simply showing you my medication," he replied, amused. "But I'm not comfortable with it, truthfully, but I don't want you to stay up all night either."

She looked at the dosage and made sure it was the same as hers. "I don't take it every day, just sometimes when the thoughts get a bit loud," she admitted. She unscrewed the cap and took one pill out and broke it in half. She plopped it in to her mouth and took a sip of the water to wash it down. "Thank you… I won't interrupt your beauty sleep once I'm sleeping," she promised.

He chuckled and put the bottle on his bedside table. He got back in to bed and watched her get comfortable, laying down. "Goodnight Trevor…"

"Night Benson," he replied, rolling over, back facing him. She smiled to herself gently coming to the realization that Trevor Langan was probably the real deal.

He switched off the light and turned the aircondtioning up.

"Are you trying to make me freeze?" she asked with a laugh.

"No," he replied, "I'm trying to make it cool enough for me to be able to spoon you comfortably…" he chuckled in to her ear as she scooted back against him, molding her body against his.

He put an arm around her and kissed the back of her bare shoulder. "Sweet dreams…" he said softly, caressing her skin absently, thinking about all that she had admitted to him.

It was his turn for his mind to take him over the night's events, marvelling about how easily and fast it was to connect to another person. He lay awake for a short time and was relieved when he felt Olivia's slow, even breathing, indicating that she had fallen asleep finally.

He closed his own eyes and started to count backwards from 500, an old technique his father had taught him when he had problems sleeping as a kid.