Hey guys. As you probably know, fanfiction is behaving weird. I'm not sure if the issue has been resolved yet but this is my second attempt at uploading this chapter. Hopefully it works out. If not, I really don't know what to do besides sit back and wait.

That being said, thanks for all the support on my last update! This chapter took a while to crack out but I hope you enjoy it. I got inspiration from "Comfort Crowd" by Conan Gray for this chapter (this song inspires the whole story as well, hence the title), "Suck It and See" by Arctic Monkeys, "Telescope" by Cage The Elephant and finally… Wallows's new EP "Remote". Give those a listen if you want!

Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.

March 16th: Tobias

My eyes feel heavy as I blink them open from my deep slumber. Last night has been the deepest I've slept in weeks, and I find myself reluctant to move from my current spot; lying sideways with my cheek smashed against my pillow. That is, until I notice that the light streaming from my window is bright and heavy, not the early morning sunshine that accompanies me when I wake up at 7:30 for school.

How the fuck did I sleep in? I set my alarm! I instantly shoot up and glance at my alarm clock that's on my bedside table, only to find that it's beeping at 12:00, meaning that it has been unplugged. The hell? I reach for my phone, and when I try to turn it on, I realize that it's been powered off.

As I'm pressing the button and impatiently waiting for my phone to turn on, I notice a bright blue piece of paper with my father's neat handwriting scribbled on it taped to my dresser. I swing my legs over the bed and grimace from the sudden burst of pain. I always fucking forget about my dumbass crutches.

Grabbing them from their place sitting against my wall, I level myself up and make my way over to my dresser, picking up the note.

Tobias

Happy 17th birthday my boy! Don't think I'd forget. I know you were just planning to go to school like normal and then have dinner with Beatrice but I already called in for you to have the day off. Beatrice is skipping school as well and picking you up around noon- hopefully you've woken up by then. If not, I've given her a key to get in. I have to go into the office today, but I'll see you later to celebrate.

Sorry about the alarm clock and the phone, I know you don't like making a big deal out of your birthday, so I knew it would be hard to get you to celebrate. I hope you enjoy the surprise and your day off.

Love,

Dad

I set the paper down and sigh through my nose, my heart filling with mixed emotions. For the past few years I haven't been a huge fan of my birthday, and neither has my dad for that matter, considering that my birthday also happens to be the day that my mother died. Most years I go without celebrating, my dad just deposits some money into my bank account and we call it a day. I don't even think Zeke knows when my birthday is because I never bring it up.

The only tradition I do have today is to go to Stella's Diner and get a chocolate shake with a cheeseburger. It's a pretty simple diner meal, but my mom and I used to go to that diner all the time and order that exact thing. It's sort of my tribute to her, I guess. I usually go alone, but tonight I invited Tris.

She only knows when my birthday is because she pried it out of me, I decided she should know because she is my girlfriend and she was curious. I mumbled it to her and hoped she would forget it, but nope, she wrote it down in her calendar. And last week she informed me that the Prior's had a huge dinner planned for me- to which I instantly objected. Tris was reluctant to cancel it, but she must have seen how little I wanted it so she said she would let her mother know.

Feeling guilty for shooting down her plans, I told her I would have dinner with her tonight. She doesn't know the significance of the diner or what happened on my 12th birthday… maybe she should, but it's a painful detail of my life that I'm not sure how to talk about with her. I should have known she was too thoughtful to let it go that easily, because then she and Marcus conspired together. Really, the thing I wanted most today was just to go about everyday like normal. It makes it bearable. But with my life changing this past year ever since Tris entered it, I guess it's fitting that I'd do something different today.

I sigh, trying to push down the pain and grief that have come back up. Life has been pretty sucky lately, with my injury and me having to leave lacrosse. I can't even drive myself places anymore because it was my right leg that got injured and I'm not equipped to press on the pedals of a car with my left leg. Tris has been my uber for the past couple of weeks, and I'm grateful for her support, I just feel so helpless now. I know lacrosse isn't the end-all be-all, but I was looking forward to a winning season this year as captain. There's still next year, senior year, so I have to really treat this injury seriously if I want a chance of playing. Everything has just felt so pointless these past couple weeks and I still have a few more with these crutches. Oh well, hopefully Tris can cheer me up today, she seems to be good at doing that.

My phone has turned on now, and I see that it's 11:45 so that gives me enough time to dress myself and get downstairs in my crutches. I also notice I have a text from Tris.

happy birthday handsome. ik you didn't want to do much today, but i hope you enjoyed sleeping in and getting a day off. sry if i overstepped by conspiring with your dad, just wanted to give you something fun on your 17th birthday! i love you SO MUCH, i'll be there by noon to get you and then we can start on our day ;)

I grin, shaking my head at my phone now. It's funny how just a text from this girl can improve my mood by ten times. Fuck, I love her so much, how'd I get so lucky?

Tris is wearing a large chunky sweater that is striped with various shades of blue and white. It brings out her eyes. As she sees me approaching she instantly hops out of her car to help me inside with my crutches. Underneath she wears baggy jeans and vintage trainers that match her sweater. Her hair is let loose like it usually is, floating around her face in an almost untamed manner that only she could pull off.

I'm probably wearing a goofy smile on my face as she approaches, taking the collar of my shirt in her hand and pulling my lips down to hers. I breathe into the kiss, not being able to touch her because I'm still balancing on my crutches.

She pulls back and grins at me, "Happy birthday."

"Thank you… for this. I wasn't expecting it."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No… I could never be mad at you."

"Marcus just mentioned you never like your birthday, and that he feels like he hasn't been there for you on this day in the past. We wanted to do something special for you."

"Well, this is definitely special. I love you."

"I love you too."

She helps me get situated into the passenger seat of her car, setting my crutches in the back. At first it was a little humiliating to need help with every single step I took, but I've learned to swallow my pride. Especially because it's Tris and she makes me feel safe when I want to be vulnerable. I've learned that it's okay to ask for help sometimes.

She turns on the car and plugs her phone in for music. I recognize the song instantly and I turn to her with a smile, "Where are we headed?"

"Well I know a dinner with just the whole family seemed a little bit intimidating… how about just having lunch with my parents? And Anna, of course, since everyone else is at school today. They really want to wish you."

"Sounds great," I tell her genuinely, reaching over the center console to squeeze her hand. "Thanks for… doing this."

"Of course. Today is about you, you know." About me… I've never been focused on like this before Tris came into my life. Where someone wanted to do something kind for me without any obligation or ulterior motive, simply because they care for me.

She starts the car as my favorite part of the song comes on and I can't resist singing along, as I often do whenever Tris puts on our songs in the car.

I poured my aching heart into a pop song

I couldn't get the hang of poetry

That's not a skirt, girl, that's a sawn-off shotgun

And I can only hope you've got it aimed at me

"You should really work on getting better pitch if you're going to sing," Tris comments with a small smile as she keeps her eyes on the road. Still, she joins me in the chorus, singing just as badly as I do.

Suck it and see, you never know

Sit next to me before I go

Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes

Be cruel to me 'cause I am a fool for you

The instrumental break happens and I begin drumming on the dashboard, loving the small laugh it gets out of Tris. She stops at the next traffic light and turns to me as she continues singing.

You have got that face that just says

"Baby, I was made to break your heart"

"I would never."

"You would never what?" She asks as the light turns green.

"Break your heart."

"I know. I would never break yours either."

"So, you're in this for the long haul Prior?" I tease.

"For sure. You?"

"For sure."

"Okay, Tobias, there's a few things you should know about birthdays with the Prior's."

"Okay," I swallow nervously and look up at Natalie from my spot on the couch. Tris sits next to me with an amused smirk on her face. I trust that she didn't plan anything too over the top with her parents, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little scared.

"First, pictures are a must."

"Okay…"

"Second, singing is a must."

"Alright…"

"Third, now we really only do this for Beatrice and Caleb's birthday but I think it would be fun… Andrew! Do you have it?"

"I can only find the girl one!"

Tris lets out a laugh next to me, and I look to her in mild fear as I wonder what's ahead for me.

"Oh, well, that'll have to do! Tobias won't mind."

"What won't I mind?" I ask Tris.

"You'll see."

"Okay, Anna, go and bring this to Tobias," I hear Mr. Prior say softly from the kitchen.

Anna's tiny feet pad across the tiled floor and soon enough she is in front of me, grinning widely with all her baby teeth on display. When I notice what she's carrying in her hands I shake my head to myself and look to Tris.

"Please?" She asks me, grinning.

The Prior's are probably the only people in the world I would do this for. I begrudgingly thank Anna as I grab the tiny plastic tiara from her hands and adjust it onto my head, not wanting to know how ridiculous I look.

"Apologies Tobias, we have a more masculine one that Caleb wears on his birthday but I see we can't locate it today. That, as you can probably tell, is Beatrice's…" Natalie is giving me an amused smile.

"Hey, he looks amazing regardless," Tris points out.

"It's cutting off my circulation," I whine.

"Oh, hush, just keep it on for a few photos. Andrew! Get out here!" Natalie yells into the kitchen.

I hear the whine of an animal and the sound of scratching on the door. "Milo," Anna says, pointing to the backdoor.

"Oh yes, Tobias, it seems like someone wants to wish you a happy birthday," Natalie lets Milo in and instantly he's rushed up to me, jumping over the couch and licking my face over and over again.

"Hey bud," I laugh as I scratch his head. Damn it, I've missed him. Since I got my injury, the Prior's have taken him in full time until I recover, so I've barely gotten to see him. It's nice to know that he missed me too.

"I exist too, Milo," Tris says sadly.

"Oh, Beatrice, he's seen you everyday this past week. Stop sulking. Andrew!"

"Just a moment!"

I laugh at all the chaos going on in the house, even with less than half the residents present. I guess it always is a wild adventure here. Anna has jumped onto the couch now, trying to join in the fun, and Milo has rolled over onto my lap, his tail thumping as he awaits a belly rub.

I comply as Tris pouts next to me and Anna climbs into the other side of my lap to pet the dog as well. "Tris, it's not my fault he likes me more than you."

"Milo!" She claps her hands, "Here boy!"

Milo doesn't move, and I shrug cockily at her. She glowers back at me and moves her hand into a fist, punching my shoulder. Hard.

"Ow!" I say, louder than the punch probably called for.

"Beatrice. We do not punch the birthday guest!"

"Yeah, Beatrice."

"He started it!"

Natalie rolls her eyes and I grin. I know it drives Tris a bit crazy that her parents seem to love me- I don't exactly understand why, but they do. And they always take my side in our "arguments". Tris swears they love me more than they do her, but obviously that's not true. I think we all just like to tease her a little bit.

"I need to see what the hold up in the kitchen is. Behave," Natalie says sternly to Tris before she marches out of the room.

"If my mom wasn't here that punch would've gone straight into your right ACL," Tris mutters.

"Someone's violent… hey, you know, it's kind of hot-"

Tris grabs Anna off my lap and covers her ears, "I think you forget that my 2 year old sister is present."

"I'm just saying, when you get feisty…" I raise my eyebrows suggestively and she just rolls her eyes, a blush coloring her cheeks.

"Milo… go talk to Tris. She's sad." I urge him off my lap, and at the sound of Tris's name his tail wags again and he approaches her. Not as eagerly as he approached me (haha) and Tris just scowls at him as he climbs into her lap.

"You're only here because he told you, huh… oh, I can't be mad at you, you're too cute."

She scratches under his ear, the place he really loves to be scratched, and hugs him to her chest. Even though Tris and I are still high school students, I really feel like we built somewhat of a family with Milo, as dumb as it sounds.

"Beatrice! Cover his eyes!"

Before I know what's happening Tris's soft hands are cupping my eyes, so that I can't see anything. I feel the weight of the sofa shift which means that Milo has jumped off.

"Anna, come stand next to me."

I feel Anna quickly scramble off of my lap, and then hear a lightswitch flip. "Okay… open them."

Tris removes her hands, and I take in the scene. The four Prior's who are present are all wearing birthday hats now, the lights are off and the curtains are all shut so the entire area is dim. Andrew and Natalie are both holding a large circular cake with 17 candles lit on it. In light blue frosting it says 'Happy Birthday Tobias'. Holy shit.

"Wow… um, thank you guys. Did you make this?"

"From scratch," Andrew answers.

Fuck… what did I do to deserve all this? And to think, these people were gonna throw me a huge party.

"Oh, Tobias, don't be at a loss for words. We do something like this for all of our children, and you know well enough that we consider you to be a son of our own," Natalie tells me.

Tris squeezes my shoulder gently from her place next to me. A son of our own. 5 years ago, on this day, my mother passed away. After that I never thought it would be a day with fond memories for me to look back on. But oh, how I was wrong.

"Just say thank you and then get ready to pose for lots of photos, son," Andrew says gently.

"Well, thank you guys… from the bottom of my heart. I know that in this family this doesn't really seem like much, but it means a lot to me. I've never really had this."

"We love you Tobias," Tris says, giving me a sincere look.

"I love you guys too."

"Well, come on, it's picture time!" Natalie announces, holding up her phone camera and leaning her head back to gaze into it as only a mom would do.

Andrew sets the cake in front of me and Natalie begins snapping photos. A few of just me, feeling idiotic in my tiara, then she calls Tris back in to sit next to me. She kisses my cheek gently and I am reminded of our first date when Natalie was photographing us. That really wasn't that long ago… but in the grand scheme of things it feels like it was an eternity ago. We take some with Anna and Milo too before they decide they've gotten enough and the singing commences. I haven't been sung happy birthday to since I was a little boy, and it's awkward as I remember, but I also come to enjoy all the love I feel being passed to me.

"Make a wish!" Tris tells me, nudging me in the side. There are so many things I could wish for, for my injury to recover perfectly, for a winning season next year, for Tris and I to never breakup, but all of those seem insignificant compared to wishing that everyone I love -in this room and out of it- live out the happy and healthy lives they deserve, whatever path that may lead them on. So that's what I wish for as I inhale and then blow out my candles. I can only hope that it comes true.

"You still have some frosting on your face," Tris says to me from the driver's seat of her car. She reaches into the center console and pulls out a napkin before leaning in and wiping my cheek.

"You know you could've just licked it off… it's not anything you haven't done bef-"

"Tobias!" Her cheeks are bright red and I grin.

"What? It's just us now!"

She sighs, shaking her head and muttering something to herself along the lines of 'horny jerk'.

"Well sorry if it's been a while since we… ya know. I can't act like I don't miss it."

She reaches over to me and pulls me into a hug, pecking me on the cheek sweetly. "I know, but with your injury I think it's the best course of action ya know. To stay safe."

I huff, "Yeah, yeah, I get it. I just miss you."

"I'm right here," she presses a kiss to my temple now.

"You know what I mean… This injury just feels so restrictive."

"I'm sorry… I wish there was more I could do for you."

"No, no," I take her hands in mine and pull away from her. "You've been amazing. And then bringing me here to celebrate my birthday… I probably would've gone through today like every other year if you hadn't cared and put in some extra effort. So… just thank you for not giving into my stubbornness and letting me create awesome memories with my awesome girlfriend."

Her face breaks out into a watery smile, "I love you so much, you know that, right?"

"Of course I do. And I love you…" I lean in and capture her lips with mine. Even if we can't have sex right now, kissing her is pretty fucking great. As cheesy as it sounds I feel like my lips were meant for hers.

She pulls back after a few seconds, a new, sad look has taken over her face, "Tobias…" she says slowly, biting her lip.

"What? What is it?" I ask, my eyebrows knitting together.

"Your… your dad, he told me what happened on this day 5 years ago." Oh man. "Wait, please don't say anything. Let me say this. I-I was surprised that you hadn't told me at first, because I thought that we tell each other everything. After thinking about it more, it made sense. It's a sensitive subject, something that you don't want to relive on your birthday which I understand. But I just thought that sometime today, maybe the car ride over, or inside, you would've said something. I'm not trying to make it about me by any means, I can only imagine how painful it is… but is there a reason you haven't told me?" She finishes her speech that seemed very thought out with wide eyes, looking into the depths of my soul to gauge my reaction.

I can only imagine how revealing my facial expressions are right now since I wasn't expecting any of this to be sprung on me. Well, what's the best thing to do right now? Tell the truth, that seems to work with Tris.

"It's not that I didn't want to tell you… it's just that I didn't know how. To be honest it's something that I've sort of repressed… I know that doesn't really sound good but, I'm sorry. You know I trust you a lot. I just didn't think it was very important or, I didn't really want to face it. I sort of push it down every year and I know that's bad but that's how I got through it."

"You don't need to be sorry, please, I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

"Of course I know that. You're the only reason that I'm even having a nice time today. Even with… Nita… I would just go about this day like it was ordinary. She didn't even know when my birthday was. But you, you really care about me. And I don't think I deserve any of it, I just didn't want to burden you further by unleashing more of my demons on you."

"Oh, Tobias. You've never burdened me," she squeezes my hand, "Just because we have fun and joke around doesn't mean I don't want you to tell me these things. They're a part of you, and you know I want to know everything about you."

"I know…" I look down and scratch the back of my head. Most of what I just told Tris I didn't even realize until I said it. That's how far that I've pushed down the memories of this day. But I know I'm being foolish, I can tell how much Tris loves me, even if I don't quite understand it. She's exquisite, why is she with me again? "Well you should know something. The diner that we're going to tonight? I sort of go to it every year on my birthday, it was my mom's favorite place so…"

"I'm glad you're sharing it with me, then. Does Marcus ever go with you?"

"Um… no. This day is obviously painful for him too and he, you know, I get it. He's been through a lot and we are getting past everything that's happened. I think being with Tiffany has sort of helped him get in touch with his emotions."

"Yeah," Tris says softly, rubbing my back. "Well… we still have sometime before dinner."

"What else did you have planned?"

Her mouth twists, "Well, it's not more of a plan rather than a proposal. I was talking with your father and he told me that you've never been to your mother's grave before. Well, besides the funeral."

"Yeah, well, that's true," I look down. I guess my dad had the right idea by telling Tris all of this stuff but I would've told her myself eventually… right? Damn it, probably not.

"I think… today, I'd like to take you there. But only if you want to. I'm not trying to overstep and if you don't want me with you I understand I just think that it would be good for-"

"Tris. Breathe. First of all, I want you with me all the time. Second of all… I think it would be good too. You know it's not that I never wanted to go it's just that I never thought I could handle it. But I think with you by my side, I can now." And it's true. She's helped me and strengthened me in ways that she doesn't even see. Before Tris I wouldn't have been able to stomach one second of acknowledging this day, but I guess knowing that I have someone like her who simultaneously brightens my life while steadying me has made me more capable of things than I ever thought possible.

She lets out a strangled laugh and wipes at her eyes.

"Oh, don't cry," I pull her in for another hug and she returns the embrace tightly.

"I'm sorry, I know it's not about me. I'm just glad that we have each other, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm glad too. I have your back. Always."

"And I have yours. Always."

"I know."

We buried my mom about 15 miles outside of town. I remember feeling relieved that we buried her far out because I wouldn't have to pass the graveyard frequently. I haven't been back since her funeral… I feel like such a shitty son. I was too weak to stomach it, but today I'm actually doing it and I never thought I would.

It takes about 45 minutes to get there, and the car ride is relatively silent. Tris doesn't play any music and we don't say much to each other, besides a couple words here and there. But it's a healing silence, we are both lost in our own thoughts. Me, thinking about my grief and everything that's happened since my 12th birthday. I'm not sure what Tris is thinking about, but she seems to know to give me my space on our trip, which I appreciate.

When she pulls into a parking spot a few feet away from the graveyard my stomach is doing cartwheels, but still, I pull her into me for a deep kiss, thanking her for everything she's done today. After that she helps me get out of the car in my crutches and we make our way up the gravel path. Even though it has been a while, I still remember where the grave is and I direct her to the spot where I buried my mother after she died on this day, five years ago.

As we approach, I am surprised to see someone already standing there. A closer look and I realize that it's my father. As far as I know, he's never visited here before either. I look to Tris and her small smile reveals that she orchestrated this. Should I be angry? I don't feel angry, I feel cared for, because I know that this is something my father and I need to do together, and Tris saw that too.

"Dad," I say. He turns around to face us, his deep blue eyes swimming with pain. He loves Tiffany a lot, but he loved my mom too. And the pain of losing someone you love like that doesn't mend in the way that some people think. I can only imagine the man I'd turn into if I lost Tris.

"Tobias."

Tris squeezes my arm. "I think I should give you two some time together. I'll be on the bench right over there."

A part of me really wants her to stay with me, how can I do this without her? But I also know that this is something my dad and I need to do together. "Okay," I squeeze her arm back and watch her as she walks off before turning back to my father.

He holds his arms out to me and I bridge the gap between us and embrace him as well as I can on my crutches. He's only a couple inches shorter than me, but he's always held a towering presence ever since I was a child. Now I feel that we are both equals, grieving over the same woman who meant a lot to us. "Is this your first time back here as well?" I ask when I pull away.

"Why, yes it is," he claps me on the shoulder. "We owe it to her."

"I know. How long have you been here?"

"About ten minutes."

"Have you said anything?"

"A little… if you want to talk I can give you some privacy."

"No! Well I do want to talk, but I want you here with me."

"Of course," he rests a hand on my shoulder and I turn to face the headstone. Seeing her name engraved like that… the line between her birth year and her death year. Her life is represented by that line, and she touched so many people with her love during that time. I can only hope to leave the same impact.

I feel a stinging pressure behind my eyes and a lump building in my throat so I swallow it down. It's time to give my mother a proper goodbye.

"How was it?" Tris asks me as we make our way back down to the car.

"It… felt good. It's probably something I should've done a long time ago but I wasn't ready until now."

"Well, I'm proud of you. Really. And your dad? Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's okay."

I talked to my mom for a while. I really don't know how much time it was, but I told her about my new life, about my lacrosse injury, about high school, about getting to a better spot with my dad, and about Tris. I paused in the places that I would imagine her responses in. No, it wasn't perfect. But it was something. After that me and my dad said goodbye, we told her we loved her and we missed her and we would come back for a visit when we could. I may have cried but I dried my eyes quickly.

My father trails a few feet behind me and Tris now, lost in his own thoughts. "Hey dad," I turn back to him when we reach the parking lot. "Tris and I are going to Stella's now. If you wanna join us."

"Oh, well I couldn't intrude on your night."

"No, you should come. For mom."

At my side, Tris nods a little. My dad scratches the back of his head, maybe this could be a bit much for him. After all, some of our favorite family memories are in that diner. But he says, "Okay, though I did have plans with Tiffany tonight."

"Invite her to join us," I tell him without missing a beat. If I'm sharing this with Tris then he should get to share it with Tiffany.

"Alright… I think she'd like that. I'll give her a call. Thanks, son."

Tris nudges my side as I hobble back to the car on my crutches next to her, "That was a big step, huh?"

"Yeah, it was. But I'm glad. None of this would've happened without you, you know?"

She shrugs.

"Tris, I mean it. And I'm not just talking about the events of today. I'm talking about me even being in the right mental state to be able to walk up to that grave and say something to my mother. You've given me all this strength."

"Well… first of all I didn't give it to you. You've always had it in you. But I'm really glad I could be there for you. Today, and everyday. I love you, Tobias. And I'm so proud of you."

Well, a tear may have fallen just then, but I don't make any effort to wipe it away. When I look to Tris I see that she's crying too so I tell her that I love her too and pull her into a tight embrace and just hold her there with me. For sometime.

Eventually we get into the car and drive over to Stella's, meeting Tiffany and my father. We all order cheeseburgers with chocolate shakes, and I know that I've served my mother's memory right. My father and I rattle off our favorite memories from the times we used to eat here in the past, and Tris and Tiffany listen politely, giving us company and making us feel heard.

This is what healing is. Letting yourself rely on the people you love, sharing the pain and the comfort with them, and creating new memories that you can look back on. What a birthday.

omg i know it's been almost a month, but you all know why it took me a while to update! I can't say updates will become any more frequent, my life is SOO busy right now but writing is the only thing that gives me relief so I try to find time for it.

I've submitted 4 college applications so far, just 5 more to go this month :D on top of that school is very demanding but I cannot thank you for all the support you've given me.

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, and I'll try to upload the next one ASAP. No guarantees on when that will be, though, maybe Thanksgiving break.

As always, have a good one and stay safe.

-Kiki